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Joined: 12/27/2005
Msg: 105
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Cheating- can you forgive?Page 2 of 59    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41)
One may forgive, but forgetting is something else. You have to remember that when people get into a relationship they are in effect making a contract between themselves. Now, if the man puts words into his side of that contract whch say something like, " ..... and any other woman I want." Then the woman really has no reason to complain. She should have put words in her side of the contract which said "....... and any other man I want." People have to get these things straight between them at the beginning. Say it right out and be honest about how you feel. Personally, I think, what ever freedom you want for yourself, you must be willing to grant me as well. Whatever restrictions you want on me, you must abide by too. Now that's the standard contract I go with. Step outside of that and it's cheating. I might forgive, but I don't forget.
Joined: 12/27/2005
Msg: 108
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Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 1/9/2006 12:51:51 PM
Wait a minute. As far as that second degree cheating is concerned. Why are they out getting drunk without you being there ? Why would they go to a party and get drunk without you ?
Joined: 12/19/2005
Msg: 109
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 1/9/2006 4:32:19 PM
Because married couples aren't joined at the hip. They do not HAVE to do every friggin thing together. THats why. They are still individuals. Trust is key.
Joined: 12/27/2005
Msg: 110
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Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 1/9/2006 9:58:02 PM
Well, that's the whole thing. I don't mean to preach but you are still young. One day if your lucky you'll meet someone and in a sense you will be joined at the hip. You won't want to go out getting drunk without them. You won't want to go anywhere without them, nor they without you. You get invited somewhere and the first thought that comes to your mind is " can they come too ? " People in love don't cheat because they don't want to. There isn't anybody else they want to do it with. The whole idea of the other person cheating would actually be funny. You'd actually say, " You thought that person could do you better than me? " , and you'd laugh about it. And it'd be true. People in love are drawn together like gravity, like invisible strings. You wake up at midnight after great sex and it dawns on you that you have spent the whole day in that other persons company, without noticing it until just now. Between people in love. Cheating is totaly beside the point. Almost a rediculous idea.
Joined: 8/8/2005
Msg: 113
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Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 1/9/2006 11:25:14 PM
can i forgive someone for cheating on me... HELL NO..

if someone cheats on me it shows me that the person does not respect me .. and does not realize what i am worth.. so why waste my time !!!!!!!!!!!!

Also, it makes me wonder if that person has cheated on me : Am I the one for him or is he just keeping me around till he finds someone better..?
so, what a sucky deal that would be.. so cutout the cheating loser from your life .....
and go fishing again ...
Joined: 9/14/2005
Msg: 123
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Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 1/21/2006 9:28:22 AM
I forgave not once, not twice, but 3 tomes and this was after another child was brought into the pic by the other woman.....
So in so many words...I believe u can def. Forgive..but will u be taken advantage of for that forgiveness...more times than not...YES

Oh yeah and u never FORGET....just let it go and move on.
Joined: 12/30/2005
Msg: 126
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Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 1/25/2006 11:21:21 PM
Yes, you can forgive. Then you have to put it out of your mind that's the hard part.
Joined: 3/17/2004
Msg: 127
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 1/26/2006 12:00:21 AM

The fact that this person cheated on you is going to haunt you for many years to come. So why even bother staying with him? Your never going to trust this person again anyways! It's also a big blow to yourself esteem. Dump him, and move on! Good luck.
Joined: 1/30/2006
Msg: 131
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 1/30/2006 9:26:04 PM
I apolozie. I haven't read all of the posts but did read lanies which I'm replying to:

I agree...

I believe every situation must be taken into account on an individual basis. Was this cheating episode a 1-time thing or is there a track record with this person? Was the cheater up-front and honest with you, or did you find out in a lie (or through many of them), or did you find out through a friend, co-worker? Were there any influences: booze, drugs, etc that helped to facilitate this? How does this cheating fit the person's character...meaning if the person who was cheated on went and told anyone, a friend, a co-worker, etc. that their partner cheated, how would that person react? If they give you a "oh my God" shocked looked, chances are, this 1-time cheat was a very stupid thing that probably won't happen again, escpecially if the person who cheated remosefully and genuinely admitted to it and accepted it fully as their own wrong-doing. We are all human and we are not perfect. Sometimes given the right life ingredients (emotions, booze, low self-esteem, not getting needs met, etc., etc), that get mixed together at the right point of time; a person can do a very stupid thing such as cheating or anything else for that matter. It doesn't mean they'll do it again. It doesn't mean they're a bad person. Hopefully they will have learned from their mistake and won't repeat it again. If they do commit it again, now we're talking about another problem. Yes, so many things that can come into play.

And for cheating, yes, a trust is definitely broken, but it can be repaired. And most likely if it was a 1-time cheating event, many of the underlying reasons within the relationship will brought up to the surface that are stemming from both sides, which can then be addressed through counseling. There are relationships that grow stronger (after cheating has been committed), if both people can accept, forgive, let go and move forward to learn from what mistakes were made or from needs / wants are not being met. This is easier said than done, but it can and does happen. Bad things (which vary in degree) along with the good happen in a relationship, which lanie pointed out might just be a bad patch that can be resolved.

Just my humble opinion...
Joined: 1/30/2006
Msg: 136
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 1/31/2006 5:41:46 AM
"Can you forgive a cheater? "

Yes. I have forgiven, only through acceptance and forgiveness for myself to allow myself to be set free; otherwise, if I did not accept and forgive, I would still be holding it and I would be tied to it, which in turn, it would be controlling my life and emotions.. Holding anger, resentment and being stuck in the past within yourself is not healthly and will only negatively impact you and a future person that walks into your life.

"Yes... only after a good beating"

Sure, that's really going to resolve it... I don't think so.

But really the answer is NO !
How can you mend a broken glass?

I don't agree with applying this analagy and your answer. Most anything is possible if a person is willing to accept and let go.

Joined: 1/30/2006
Msg: 139
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 1/31/2006 6:21:28 AM
I feel trust can be re-built overtime, if a person is willing to internally accept what has happened, deal with it, resolve it and move on, providing you still want to remain in the relationship.

Yes, if "he" repeately broke your trust, then time to forgive and move on to another person (don't want to carry trust issues into the next relationship, not a good thing)...the trust will not get rebuilt because it keeps getting knocked down; otherwise, if it's a one time cheat that was a very stupid mistake on his behalf, then there is probably a good chance trust can be re-built, if both people are willing to take the hard road of working on re-building the trust along with at the same time working on all of the other relationship issues that led up to it. Guess it's one of those all depends scenarios...

 capilano flower
Joined: 1/31/2006
Msg: 140
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 1/31/2006 7:11:42 PM
well i went through that for the first time too i knew it about a year before i had the proof he cheated on me. How did you find out he cheated? if you caught him redhanded cheating how can you be sure he wont do it again you will always have doubts. I gave the guy i was with a chance to come clean, he never did i think that if he admited he cheated we might have been able to work things out.
Joined: 1/4/2006
Msg: 167
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 2/21/2006 4:39:02 AM
why bother to forgive? Wish them well and move on to someone else yourself.
Joined: 5/30/2005
Msg: 176
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Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 2/21/2006 3:39:31 PM
Absolutely forgive them, but once the trust and respect has been lost in a relationship, then the relationship is gone, finished....kaput. I have forgiven my cheaters, but it destroyed the relationship completely. I agree that it makes one feel that somehow you failed them. Trust and respect are earned, and if someone throws it away, then their priorities aren't with you and your relationship whatsoever. Time to move on, though it's extremely difficult to do. I did it, when my son was a mere 3 months old and raised him alone, because his father's priorities were in picking up whatever he wanted and doing them in my home, in my bed while I was working. I could not deal with his indescretions and made him leave us.
Joined: 5/29/2005
Msg: 183
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 5/5/2006 6:39:34 AM
Speaking from experience i think you should stick to what you have always believed.I know lots of married guys that cheat on thier wifes and yet they still convince them that they are faithful.So yes once a cheater always a cheater no matter what he says and how sorry he is.You can count on it happening again.They just get better at doing it and at ways to hide it.That`s just my opinion .
Joined: 10/14/2005
Msg: 184
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Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 5/5/2006 6:45:00 AM
I can forgive but I can't forget - the pain is too deep, very deep.
I do forgive because it's not in me to harbour ill feelings towards anyone, especially if you love them.
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 188
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Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 5/5/2006 2:31:40 PM

(OP) I've always been a firm believer of once a cheater always a cheater and I always vowed that no matter what if anyone ever cheated on me I would kick them to the curb, but it changes once you actually experience it first hand.

That is what I have found out from others. Many say they would throw their partner to the curb but reality is somewhat different.

Marriage, children, a long term relationship, still loving the many cases it's not desirable to dissolve a relationship because of an affair.

Unless we meet a virgin that person has had sex with someone else before us. Maybe a year before or a week before. Who's to say? If the person is sexually clean we don't really want to know who they had sex with. It doesn't matter to us.

While we would all perfer our partner to be faithful I feel the one time affair is blown out of porportion. A one night stand has nothing to do with loving that person or not loving one's partner. It seldom has anything to do with wanting to end their current relationship.

I feel people read way too much into a one time affair. In most cases it's just sex. I doubt there are many who deliberately have an affair in order to hurt their partner. The forgiving of an affair has to do more with the reason someone had an affair, IMO.
Joined: 3/13/2006
Msg: 189
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 5/5/2006 2:32:46 PM
Nope.....I'm not a very forgiving person.
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 204
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Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 12/13/2006 9:18:28 PM
sure you can forgive...and actually you have to! you will feel like a great burden has been lifted off your back..............oh and yea of course forgive them after you ve left or tossed them to the curb.....somethings in life one gets one chance, and if they blow it they blow it . a cheater is most likely so self centered and selfish that they make for bad partners.....well then by the term patner would mean 50/50 and the self-centered one doesnt play by those rules......get out and forgive... you will be the better person...was time and energy wasted maybe but ya just gained a harvard education on life.
Joined: 12/6/2006
Msg: 217
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 12/14/2006 9:02:00 AM
See my thoughts on people who cheat are like this. most women want an ideal man. Thats fine but there is a breed of men Who naturaly or otherwise has this about him that attracts females. Thats why in alot of situations more than one woman is after him. Now this is where it gets good, this guy understands that he has no problem attracting women. So he picks one and has her in a relationship. All the while still being chased by the others. In short he cheats because he is bored and does not value the relationship as much as one should. there are alot of exceptions but i find that this is a repeating scenario hence why a TON of women state they dont want players or a man who plays head games. If the person cheated and this is the situation. Completly unforgiveable. Nowlike i said there are some exceptions where the problem is not outside attraction but i can not comment on those
Joined: 11/10/2006
Msg: 237
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 12/15/2006 11:15:24 AM
But, but...on TV all the wives stand behind their man in such times of stress. And they carry on and live happily ever after. Well, at least they do after the Bud commercial.
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