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 jengiz65
Joined: 12/8/2005
Msg: 50
Cheating- can you forgive?Page 2 of 59    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41)
once a cheater, always a cheater......Never forgive!!.nuff said!!
 Unfriendly_Good_Guy
Joined: 5/24/2005
Msg: 51
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History
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 12/17/2005 2:23:26 PM
I am not sure if I could forgive. Unless I can trust them again completely I don't think they are forgiven. It depends on how they cheated, and their reaction.

HOW THEY CHEATED
A. First degree cheating. They planned to do it. Then followed through with the plan. No chance for this type.
B. Skipping right to third degree cheating. Short, unplanned drunken kiss on the mouth with a stranger at a party. Possible.

REACTION TO CHEATING
A. They blame you, say you drove them to it, and don't acknowledge their mistake. Odds are they will do it again once they feel you are to blame again. No chance again.
B. They are devastated, completely blame themselves and realize it was wrong. Possible.

For me personally, if either A is involved, no chance of forgiving. But if its a BB scenario, then I would say yes it is possible to forgive....... Feel like im discussing genetics here. Instead of x's and y's it is a's and b's
 Ms. Picky
Joined: 1/11/2005
Msg: 52
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 12/17/2005 2:28:01 PM
I agree, wolfboy.

I have always said that I could forgive a drunken one night stand a lot easier than an ongoing affair.

Then again, I haven't put that into practice yet. I've dumped any man who cheated on me, but it just so happens that I've always been cheated on with an ex of theirs.
 newfierocker
Joined: 12/17/2005
Msg: 54
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 12/24/2005 11:08:36 PM
The way i seen it is if someone cheats on your and you forgive them... then they know they can get away with it..... if someone cheats on you... cut the releationship off right there... life it to short to have someone in your life making a fool out of themselves and you along with it.... enough pain in this world and no need having somone in your life that is going to create more problems.... peace of mind is everything
 CSUGuy
Joined: 7/12/2005
Msg: 55
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 12/24/2005 11:15:52 PM
Forgive and forget. Don't ever offer them your love again.
 Tinkle
Joined: 12/14/2005
Msg: 56
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 12/25/2005 3:20:45 AM
""""""""""""NoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNo
NoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNo
NoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNo

AND

No""""""""""""""



Dat mean yes right? /wa-wa peddle porno music, gettin freaky now......
 afterimage
Joined: 11/27/2005
Msg: 59
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 12/27/2005 12:52:36 AM
Nope! That is the one line you do not ever cross with me and then come back. I've been cheated on a couple times and that was the end right then and there. I want absolutely NOTHING to do with a cheater!
 RFlagg
Joined: 10/21/2005
Msg: 61
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Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 12/27/2005 2:56:42 AM
One Anecdote that fits this thread:

A close couple that I knew had a crisis of this type. The wife called my wife and I years ago (10+) to tell how her husband had "cheated" and now he was so devastated that he had come home and packed his things and walked out, leaving his wife and two kids. So, I went to talk to him. "What happened? And why are you leaving?"

He had been working in the rigs up north, away from his family for months at a time. In the crews was this rather attractive woman (a cook I think) ... the only woman in the entire camp. She took a liking to him, and he was flirty with her, but never meant anything by it. One night, one thing lead to another, and he woke up in the morning realizing what had happened. (My memory is too poor to recall if alcohol was involved.)

Immediately, he quit his job and headed home. He was distraught. He got there, told his wife what had happened, did not even ask for forgiveness or another chance, because as he put it, he would not have given her one, and started packing his things. That is about when his wife called us.

Over the next several days I spoke to both of them, as did my wife (that is, she was my wife at the time; we have since split for non-cheating related reasons). It was very hard on his wife, and I see her pain echoed in a lot of the stories in this thread and others. It was hard on him, too. Regardless of what a lot of people seem to think about cheaters, this man fully knew the mistake he had made and fully felt the depths of remorse for it. There were even moments when I seriously feared he might hurt himself, or worse.

Yet, after the initial shock and pain wore off enough for them to be rational (perhaps a week later), she told him that she wanted him back. There were a lot of discussions, a lot of apologies, and a lot of promises (and I have to say even one or two ultimatums), but eventually, they put things back together. He did not return to his job and instead found something that paid less but was much closer to home.

That was well over 10 years ago. They are still together. Their children are grown now. To the best of my knowledge nothing like that has ever happened again. I think it was about 2 or 3 years after that I asked him about it. He said they never really spoke about it much after that initial period. She never even brought it up when they fought. She forgave him, and while no one ever truly forgets something like that, she at least did not use it as some kind of ammunition in their relationship.


Ultimately I think this kind of "B-B" situation (as wolfboy put it) is very rare. Most people see only the situations where the cheating is premeditated and has no mitigating factors. There is blame passed around "if you were not so XYZ, then I would not have had to cheat." There is the latent fear that the cheater will do it again, and they are craftier this time because they know what they did wrong last time. Suspicion grows like a cancer in the relationship, until finally it is a blessing that it ends.

But for all of those who say "once a cheater, always a cheater" I just needed to relate this one story. Perhaps it is the exception that proves the rule. Or perhaps, there are still some people out there who make a mistake yet are still worthy of a second chance.


Good Luck!
 Greenstar1
Joined: 6/14/2005
Msg: 62
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Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 12/27/2005 4:29:23 AM
Gee whiz, what a conundrum. Recent stats say some 60% of men cheat and some 45% 0f women do. Let's ignore the homosexuals for now.
This means there is an unexplained 15% gap of non-cheating women to cheating men.
I racked my brain to explain this and think I got it.

Some 15% of women are actual whores, supplying a necessary service to guys who simply want an orgasm without getting told they forgot to take out the garbage, or it is their turn to take the kids to soccer or hockey. Or guys who never get the oral thing at home.

By actual count, the clients are middle-aged men 38 to 55 or so, married with children. If there is no emotional attachment, it is not much of a betrayal, unless you make it so.

I used to do deliveries - snack foods and such - to escort services and was amazed to find that a number of women there were married to guys on the military base and making some good money while hubby is overseas.

If the most important part of your marriage/relationship is sexual exclusivity, then dump the **stard or the ****. But sex does not constitute a relationship, and be advised you have more of the same coming with the next person (by actual odds), so adjusting your outlook might be smarter.
 Ldygmr
Joined: 12/19/2005
Msg: 65
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 12/27/2005 5:07:00 AM
No. I cannot forgive cheating.
I am very hesitant to enter a monogomous relationship and even then am willing to allow my man a mistress if he will trust me to choose her for him. My man would have no reason to perpetrate deception such as what is associated with cheating save to be malicious.
 nolegirl
Joined: 12/26/2005
Msg: 66
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 12/27/2005 5:36:53 AM
absolutely not.
relationships that succeed are built on trust and
mutual respect. I didn't forgive nor will I forget,
if you want out, get out. pretty simple really.
 veni vedi vici
Joined: 12/9/2005
Msg: 68
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 12/27/2005 5:49:40 AM
i was accused of it twicw in my life and the actaulity is i never cheated once with no evidence!!so find out 100 percent if he cheated cause its not a nice feeling when one is accused and never did it!!
 allclass2
Joined: 12/19/2005
Msg: 69
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 12/27/2005 5:52:54 AM
Forgive them, yes, stay with them, NO. Never been there and hope I never go there, but then, what is mine has to be ALL mine, I don't share well. I would never cheat either, I can't expect anything of a man that I don't expect of myself. I let it be known from the beginning that he has another woman even on his mind, I am gone, don't need that. There are too many men around to put up with that stuff. So he would be forgiven, lol, but not around me anymore.
 falltopieces
Joined: 12/4/2005
Msg: 73
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 12/27/2005 11:55:13 AM
I say no

Chances are once they cheat they'll do it again.... there are a few that are genuinely sorry for what they've done and won't do it again buuuuut.....

IMO there's the door
Don't let it hit your butt on the way out :)
 small*mtn*lake
Joined: 12/12/2005
Msg: 74
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 12/27/2005 12:18:07 PM
I am with you........ but you need a band to sing it properly
 pky1988
Joined: 10/3/2005
Msg: 75
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 12/27/2005 12:51:13 PM
there is a trust issue. I would say don't go back to that at all..
 small*mtn*lake
Joined: 12/12/2005
Msg: 77
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 12/27/2005 7:43:15 PM
lets try this again

No-no, no, no, no, no-no-no, no, no-no, no, no-no Na-no, no, na-no, no-no, na-no, no-no, no, no-no, no

Nobody can do the shimmy
Like I do
Nobody can do the shake
Like I do.

No-no, no, no, no, no-no-no, no, no-no, no, no-no Na-no, no, na-no, no-no, na-no, no-no, no, no-no, no

Nobody can do the Shingling
Like I do
Nobody can do the snake
Like I do.

No-no, no, no, no, no-no-no, no, no-no, no, no-no Na-no, no, na-no, no-no, na-no, no-no, no, no-no, no
 kitsguy4u
Joined: 11/19/2005
Msg: 80
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Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 12/30/2005 6:06:36 PM
Yes I forgave a cheater once. so they cheated again. You are posting this thread because you are hoping that you will get people to tell you what you want to hear.
You are wanting people to say that you can forgive him and get passed it. That with a little hand holding and some loving talk it will go back to being a happy relationship. You are doing this because you dont want to accept what you know to be the truth. It is wishful thinking that a cheater will change. You arent married to him and you dont have kids with him. Boot him to the curb and dont look back. Dont even bother talking to him or trying to fix it. all that does is let him know that the next time he does it he just has to sweet talk you. People that are married with kids shouldor could try to work things out because they have a reason to. Since you dont then just be thankful you caught him now and have the opportunity to dump him now. Dont try wasting another year on him. as in the end you will have to dump him. Its just up to you. How long do you want to be his door mat?
pity you cant tattoo a big C on his forehead to warn the next woman he dates!
 ~Dangerous Liaison~
Joined: 8/22/2005
Msg: 81
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 1/4/2006 11:31:02 AM
Check this out. My boyfriend is stationed in Texas, and i am still here in St. Louis. A couple of weeks before Christmas, he made out with a girl at a strip club. he told me and i freaked out and then forgave it...basically based on the fact that he didnt want it to happen and he felt so awful that it did. So i go down to texas durring christmas to be with him and while i am there i use his cell phone to call home, because mine was on roaming and i didnt want the **stard extra charges, so i guess i hit a wrong button and all of his text messages pop up. I see one from this girl and it said "I miss kissing you". and then just out of curiosity i go to the message that he sent back and it said "I miss kissing you too." and with that, i confronted him. He said it was an ongoing joke and he would never hook up with her, and they were just friends. I know i shouldnt have taken him back but i have. Honestly, its worth it. When we are together and i hear him say the things he says to me, im like putty in his hands. I think its worth it to forgive, but its hard.

Heres where it is. If you take him back, it will be hard to ever trust him again, if you ever trust him again. You can forgive, but you never really do forget.

Good luck
 latina_loca1
Joined: 1/4/2006
Msg: 82
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 1/4/2006 2:09:35 PM
why go back there's plenty of other people to date? Plus they'll likely do it again when your guard is back down
 hismuse
Joined: 7/18/2005
Msg: 84
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 1/4/2006 2:41:09 PM
Wow! it looks as though most here say the cheater will do it again and don't continue your relationship. I was involved with a man for seven years. When we first began going out, i found out he was cheating with his old girlfriend. she lived in another state. I was deeply hurt, of course, but also knew that i loved this man. We made it work. i forgave him because i felt he was worth it. No, I don't have low self-esteem nor did i let him walk all over me. I gave him another chance. Our relationship was good for many of those seven years, but there was suspicion way in the back of my mind of whether he would do it again. But it wasn't like I was obsessed with it. i forgave him and we moved on. But I don't think i would have ever forgotten his infidelity. Just my 2 cents.
 QuestingKnight
Joined: 12/27/2005
Msg: 85
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 1/5/2006 1:17:20 AM
i can forgive a multitude of sins, but cheating? hell no. my last GF wanted to surf the web, and i didn see any problem in that. we both IM, and we have freinds all over, so as far as i'm concerned, its all good. but then to my suprise, a freind of mine emails me and say he see's her on a personal site!!! WTF?! so we went thru a period of break ups and make ups. then i started finding tons of her profiles via my freind . let me clarify,, a MALE friend. so i find her here on POF of all places..... she said it was just for the forums.... uh huh...

well its been a month, she's lied about the guy she met here, ims all day long talks to on the horn, running up OUR bill. so im done,,,, we still live toghter. i tried ot work it out , and she said "yes,, I love you too much to let you go" well that was a few days ago.. and she'd rather talk with him, good riddance to bad rubbish. im the primary income, and im gone in a few weeks. so she can eat baloney and mac n cheese in the dark while she talks to him. let HIM be next inline to get shafted
my dad taught me a lesson.. if your gonna play... be ready to pay

end of rant
 mortalez
Joined: 4/9/2005
Msg: 90
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 1/5/2006 3:13:49 AM
Forgive cheaters ?...... In my opinion cheaters should castrated/sown up (depending on gender) , covered in hot sauce after recieveing 9,999,999,000,666,000 paper cuts have their toenails peeled back with rusty plyers by a near sighted dock worker, forced to eat chilie peppers soaked in exlax , beaten with a 2X4 wraped in streelwool
thats been soaking in a porta potty in a desert construction site then trown into a pit filled with every venomous reptile and insect known to man.

Not only is cheating a slap in the face and a total show of disrespect , it is putting someone you care about at serious risk , who knows what you are exposing your partner to , not to mention the emotional damage you are causing a fellow human being with your selfish act .

I personaly know someone who's wife cheated on him and left with the other guy , but not before leaving a going away present , it was called HIV .
 twang67
Joined: 12/16/2005
Msg: 91
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 1/5/2006 3:24:05 AM
I have never cheated and couldnt of gone through with it when I had the opportunity the mirror on the wall wont let me do it. As for to forgiving a cheater I dont think so just wouldn't be the same for I wouldnt be able to forget. Trust is something I dont take lightly and to loose my trust would end any relationship.
 Tiffs_popular
Joined: 12/19/2005
Msg: 92
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 1/6/2006 8:06:56 AM
not that i'm condoning it, but humans aren't naturally monogomous. Males of most mammal species are wanderers, spreading their seed. There's only a few species like beavers and ducks, that actively mate for life.

If monogamy was easy then adultery wouldn't be so prevalent in our media and societies.

The kudos go to those that try and don't give in to those urges to "roam".

If we were monogamous creatures we would stop noticing the opposite sex the moment we found a mate, which doesn't happen. Even the most loyal of us notices a pretty face when we see one. It would be unnatural not to notice. Its just how you act on that thats important.
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