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 allamericangirl1964
Joined: 3/26/2007
Msg: 707
Cheating- can you forgive?Page 23 of 59    (19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59)
If the person has it in them to do it once they will no doubt do it again..........it would be healthy for you to forgive but you can never forget.
 TinoFann
Joined: 7/8/2007
Msg: 708
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/22/2007 9:47:32 PM
Hell no. Kind of cliche, but once a cheater, always a cheater
 InSiGhT_62
Joined: 5/21/2007
Msg: 710
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/27/2007 12:52:03 AM
Yes under certain circumstances however, it will NEVER be forgotten..... try living with that in a relationship
 thebillyguy
Joined: 7/3/2007
Msg: 711
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History
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/27/2007 1:19:53 AM
Sorry just read the headline and HEEELLLLL NNNNOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! DONT EVEN THINK ABOUT IT IF YOU FORGIVE THEM THEY WILL JUST DO IT AGIAN!!! JUST GET BETTER AT HIDING IT!!!! NONONONONONONONO!!!! God!! find a good guy quit giving scum a chance.
 csod64
Joined: 6/21/2007
Msg: 712
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/27/2007 5:07:04 AM
A lot men have a problem forgiving his partner if she cheated. Yet women will. I went through five years of hell paying for it. He couldn't leave me--it was more important for him to punish me. So, I was the one who left--and took our son, that was born after my affair. (And yes, it was my husband's child. No doubt about it.)
 Winter Sparkle
Joined: 6/3/2007
Msg: 713
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/27/2007 5:20:32 AM
I've forgiven, and given second chances. They repeat the same pattern. Once that trust is gone it can never be recaptured.
 AmeliaEarhart
Joined: 11/6/2006
Msg: 714
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/27/2007 10:42:30 AM
It's not even a matter of forgiveness for me, it's a matter of acceptance. This is what I've learned:

Neither the man I am involved with nor a woman he might choose to fvck without my knowledge are responsible for my self image, my dignity or my feelings. I am.

At one point in my life I was confronted with those feelings of public humiliation and loss of dignity expressed by many who have had an unfaithful partner. I examined them. What was it I was projecting onto other people that made me assume they thought less of me? His philandering might mean to other people that I am lousy in bed. Am I? His philandering might mean to other people that my attitude toward him was demeaning and emasculating. Was it? His philandering might mean that I did not have enough control over him, hadn't made the consequences for his betrayal grave enough. And that's the one that got me.

The other two are easy. If I'm lousy in bed get better at it. If I treat him in a humiliating fashion, learn some manners. But that control thing... oh man that was it, that was the clincher for me. If my man cheats I am not a powerful Kali goddess that can lop off the balls of a warrior with one glancing look. Did I really want that though? Is that an accurate self image for me?

I discovered no, it's not. I do not wish to be a controlling factor in his life. I do not wish to tame him and exact from him some standard of behavior that makes me feel comfortable, safe and pumped up with power. I want him to express himself freely. That way not only do I get to find out who he really is, but I get to love who he really is. He is not then simply a reflection of what I want him to be, he's actually the him he'd be if I'd never been born. That's the man I want to love.

So frankly, unlike many, I don't give a sh!t who sleeps with whom. Do whatever you want. Express yourself. I have no interest in controlling my partner or anyone else. Life is full of drama and pain and excitement and conquest and joy. Keep it coming. Randomness and danger keep us healthy. Exerting effort to survive keeps us young and fit. This has been discovered in zoos, why wouldn't it be true of us? Go ahead, challenge my security, I might lose a few pounds and sharpen my claws on it.


Edited to add: And you know what? I'll tell you something else that's not very popular:

We spend so much of our lives answering to ideas. We bake cookies and clean house because we are married to the idea of being wife. We go get jobs because we are married to the idea of providing for our children, when in effect we have abandoned them. We demand monogamy because we are married to the idea of being a wife. I want to be with a man, not an idea. The busier I make myself fulfilling my ideas and the more I demand he be married to my ideas the more distant we become. Every man I've known and loved and in fact every guy I've known period wants his woman to love HIM, not his shirts, not his house, not his job, not even his kids.

Because I was immersed in the idea of a relationship and all its customs and rules I wasn't relating with him. I was playing house. I was amazed when I watched my small niece and cousins play. Hours were spent dividing up the toys and the accessories and then the diatribe of "then I'll say, then you'll say, then I'll say, then you'll say" and inevitably when one of the adults said, "It's time to go" they'd scream, "but we haven't gotten to play yet!" What I learned from watching that was that I'd established a very long list of "then I'll say then you'll say" rules, and I still hadn't begun to play. He became involved with me because I'm one of the best-goddamned playmates he ever had. It was time for me to drop the constructs and play with him, even if it meant I might fall out of the tree or crash my bike or he'd take off without me and scare me by popping out from behind a wall somewhere. He thinks it's funny when I scream and pee my pants. Girls can be fun to play with.

When we let go of our fear of pain amazing things can happen. So I say, "Let go."

I swear to you when I said "play with whomever you want, I don't care" all he ever wanted was to play with me, because it's me he got, not my fear, not my rules, not my little girl bossiness. And guess what, all you other bossy little girls out there with all your rules and scripts, he knows if he plays with you, all he's gonna get is "then you'll say, then I'll say" so he isn't even interested. He's going to say and do whatever he damned well pleases and if any of us pee our pants all the better.

Now maybe that's just me, but I tell you, we had a ball, and if he wanted to play a round of dip my pee pee in sally's twat he could go right ahead. When I removed myself from the cvnt of all the other females on the planet he stopped trying to talk to me through them. When he goes into sally's twat he doesn't find me there anymore.
 Anazdaddy
Joined: 7/12/2007
Msg: 715
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/27/2007 12:56:09 PM
yes I would forgive, but it depends on circumstances. Also..why are people willing to forgive almost anything, but not infidelity? I am not saying infidelity should be tolerated..just curious as to why this kind of deception is worse than any other kind of deception (people forgive financial lies, etc often).
 lopezlaw03
Joined: 6/6/2005
Msg: 716
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History
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/27/2007 2:04:29 PM
I have to agree here
 mfoster121416
Joined: 11/1/2005
Msg: 717
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/27/2007 3:08:03 PM
I don't think you can. Because if you do, someday they will do it again....sooner or later they will.
 scottishlassie24
Joined: 12/30/2006
Msg: 718
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/29/2007 11:09:47 AM
nope....it is a sign of weak character. My motto is "finish one relationship before you start another". But some people are selfish and want the best of both worlds. I think alot of cheaters who are forgiven would do it again. I'd rather be alone than with a cheater.
 Jersey Girl 1971
Joined: 10/30/2006
Msg: 719
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/29/2007 4:10:16 PM
SIMPLE ANSWER....................NO !!!!!
 HappyLittleFish
Joined: 7/21/2007
Msg: 720
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/29/2007 4:22:51 PM
Sure I can fogive them as they walk out the front door and never, ever come back.
 SugahPieHoneyBunch
Joined: 4/2/2007
Msg: 721
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/29/2007 4:27:58 PM
I feel you can forgive someone for cheating , but it does not mean you will ever forget . I forgave my ex husband for cheating ,but I forgave him for my own sense of well being , because I just got tired of carrying around the anger and bitterness . Just because I forgave him , and we are now friends , it did not mean that we stayed together .
 Just Carol
Joined: 1/31/2007
Msg: 723
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/29/2007 6:24:32 PM
sometimes you can forgive....but you never forget...the trust is gone and I'm not sure it is replaceable....too much drama for my life....turn the page and find someone worthy of you.
 TiltawhirlBaby
Joined: 7/3/2007
Msg: 724
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/29/2007 6:29:02 PM
I have tried~ even sought counseling to do so (wth was I thinking?) lol. In the long run, as someone else so aptly stated above~ Yes you can forGIVE, but No one never forGETS. Somewhere in the back of my mind I was in a constant state of panic~ and eventually had to leave the relationship. ~C~
 FATTYxGORE
Joined: 7/25/2007
Msg: 725
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/29/2007 6:29:23 PM
He wouldnt be alive long enough to ask for forgiveness.

 libby1217
Joined: 8/26/2006
Msg: 726
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History
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/29/2007 6:38:10 PM
you know i usually read other posts before i post mine just to see ,like you, what people think.....i don't have to after this one....if he cheated ,he will always at least on you.....if you know and forgive him, he will do it again......if he does it and you kick his nasty ass to the curb....he won't and if he cheats on the next one that's their problem.....keep your pride....if a guy truly "loves" (and i don't think people know what that means anymore) he won't cheat....
 me-l-e428
Joined: 3/21/2007
Msg: 727
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/30/2007 1:12:10 PM
Yes, I can forgive. Forgiveness is another step in the healing process. Holding on to the anger and bitterness drained too much energy from me so I chose to let it go. Sometimes relationships will just not work no matter how hard two people try and accepting that and moving forward is best for everyone involved.
 leprechaun77
Joined: 6/5/2007
Msg: 728
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/30/2007 2:19:41 PM
When my ex cheated on me I tried to forgive, only to find out she did it again x3. That's a mistake I will never make again. Once a cheater always a cheater. No matter how you feel in a relationship if it's not working for you, leave. There really is no excuse for cheating.
 kart71
Joined: 7/24/2007
Msg: 729
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/30/2007 4:19:27 PM
noway.once a cheat always a cheat.If you are truly in love you will not cheat.Water the grass on your own side of the fence.
 prettyinpinkxo
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 730
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/30/2007 4:50:40 PM
Could not and would not forgive a "cheater".
 Master irisheagle
Joined: 2/25/2007
Msg: 731
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History
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/30/2007 6:39:07 PM
i have trouble Forgiving even a single incidence
in a new relationship, But it would depend too on how
long the relatonship had been going on and at what level it was at.
But, i have this saying that seems to always run True,
And has for the last 3 years.

once is a fluke.
Twice is a coincidence,
3 times is a F*ckin Pattern!!!

Men and women alike cheat for various reasons
and i couldn't even come close to naming them all here.
but One Thing i do know, Most people that cheat,
have a deep rooted desire for acceptance, a type of
validation if you will, due to low self-esteem or self Worth,
not Everyone, but quite a few and some that i know personally.

Although it is hard for me to understand that, cause
i've never had the desire to cheat in any of my marriages
or with girlfriends. To me it's about commitment, and dedication
To making it work and working to make it last.

Foolish? Maybe, but that is me, like it or not.

Just my Thoughts about it.
And My 2Pence
 Betti Bewp
Joined: 4/27/2007
Msg: 732
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/30/2007 7:27:42 PM
there is some success (as cheating is a symptom of a bigger problem in the relationship)
if the couple can really work out the bigger issues, if they can even find out what they were.
but, my wisdom tells me that if a person has cheated for the first time, they will never know if they could ever hold a committment to themselves. I think it becomes an easy way out, like a crutch when things get tough, can fall in to the same catergory as addictions, another tear in my beer thing.
I believe you can forgive, but the hardest thing is to gain trust within yourself to trust another. I catch myself doing this quite abit. I have a friend who has always been truthful to me and has never given me reason to doubt him. However, I catch myself falling into the suspicion and the doubt and all the emtions that come with that, for the most part I work it out within myself and understand the experience I am going through but the point is, is that I still have trust issues, due to the betrayal of my previous signifigant other. I find this a very interesting and incredible self awareness and growth development that I am going through.

to sum it up....I really dont have time to work with a cheater, or worry if once a cheater or always a cheater as I have my own fine tuning to tune. I will not go out with someone else in a committed relationship, and until I am in a committed relationship, I will date if the opportunity arises. I can be committed, but only if the person is willing to committ to me. and this has to be verbally communicated, while actions may speak louder then words. Words add to clarification. I dont want to assume either.

but I think a person who has experienced the cheating experience, there is a lot of rewiring to be done as well as some soldering lol, whether you are the cheater or the cheated.
so there is abit of my truth, I am learning how to trust again, and really listening between what is real and what is old programming.
Cheers
Betti
 jtme2j0urs
Joined: 7/27/2007
Msg: 733
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 8/2/2007 9:25:35 PM
Yes but you never forget.
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