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 Sea Bound - Master
Joined: 1/17/2009
Msg: 1157
Cheating- can you forgive?Page 35 of 59    (19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59)
Interesting topic we have going on here. I have a few questions to pose to you and I am not being coy. Is cheating a result of one not being sexually satisfied by his/her spouse? Is it a result of a lack of emotional support? Perhaps a lack of self-image? Something that one has to prove to him/herself? Or is it simply an addiction? A lack of morals? I am really unsure but I think that society has to re-evaluate itself and its character as it (cheating) seems to have become socially acceptable. Not good! How we live and how we are supposed to live seem to have been cast aside for this "I am allowed to do anything I want" attitude. Get inside yourself and find out who you are. Work on yourself. Treat others the same way as you want to be treated. Most of us do not take the time to nurture ourselves in this hectic world and the consequences are that we have no idea of how to nurture others. Also, from what I have read I get the feeling that most do not truly understand exactly what love is. As for forgiveness? That is a necessity. I can forgive someone. I have to because fear , anger, and hate will eat any soul over time. I am not excusing that act of cheating and as adults and this is the fact of the matter, we all have choices! Make the right ones. Morasl? Those work!Communication is so very important and we have seemingly lost that art! Relationships... Hmmm Think about it. I certainly do. Good luck in your decision as well
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 1159
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History
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 1/26/2009 1:11:24 PM
Yes I can forgive a cheater , if the marriage/relationship/man is worth saving.
 bodypro8
Joined: 12/10/2007
Msg: 1161
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 1/26/2009 1:28:25 PM
I tried, but it was a cracked mirror. A cancer eating at our relationship. I no longer trusted her and if it happened again in another relationship I would walk away. I wouldn't try to forgive. It would be less pain in the long run. And also I would kill her and her lover and hide the bodies and THEN I would forgive her. Um...that just slipped out.
 Sweetface75
Joined: 1/22/2009
Msg: 1162
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 1/26/2009 1:38:10 PM
Not a chance,ppl have some reasonable excuses I guess lol..or so they think ,but im gonna have to say I couldnt forgive once that circle of trust is broken its lost forever .
 tuezdaye
Joined: 12/11/2008
Msg: 1163
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 1/26/2009 2:25:32 PM
For me it's not even about forgiveness. I don't treat monogamy as a moral stand, but as a well defined sexuality -- one that, from what I can see, is rather uncommon. I happen to be monogamous, which means that when I love a man, to have sex with anyone but him is repulsive to me. It's kind of like being straight or gay. The other kind of sex is just blechy. Strange d!ck will literally make me want to vomit.

Now, that's me. The men in my life? Pretty much all of them have been nonmonogamous -- they were not repulsed by strange, at all. In fact sometimes they wanted strange. Since I have a kink, you could say, for my partner's full freedom of self-expression, I didn't demand that they ignore those urges if they wanted to act on them. I didn't demand they confess to me, or ask for my permission or approval, or involve me in any way. And they didn't. If they had sex with other women I never knew about it. Maybe they never did!

The point I realized is this: It's completely illogical to demand something I'll never know if I've received. How can I ever know if another person has been true to me? If I don't get a disease, his time appears to be accounted for and I'm not getting reports from other people that he's sleeping around, then maybe he's being true, or maybe he's lucky or maybe he's just that good.

So even with accountability, freedom from disease and a lack of gossip he could be boffing all kinds of people. That means I would still wonder if I were "satisfied" every minute of every day of my life. There are so many other things to wonder about. Why in the world would I set myself up to wonder about something so pedestrian as fidelity? Especially if one considers the sheer magnitude of people who do engage in extra-monogamous affairs and are later revealed it seems completely illogical to assume I'm not included in those statistics. Why would I even begin to think my partner is true to me? And why would he think I was?

I'm monogamous. I know that. I do that for me, not for him, since he will never, ever know whether or not that is true.

Who he sleeps with is his business and I'd certainly hope that any periods of monogamy or nonmonogamy would be done for his own benefit, not mine. If he's staying true for me, I have no way to receive that gift, so it's a complete waste of his time and effort. If he wanted to do something for me, I would prefer it if he simply took care of himself and met his own needs. That way what I do have of him will appear to be from him and for him. If he chooses me it's because he genuinely wants me, not because he's denying himself something in order to avoid conflict. I really don't want him to live in fear of me and the fewer demands and standards I hold him to the less likely he is to fear me.

You see, I want to be with the man I love, him, the real him, all of him, I don't want an arrangement or an agreement or a structure or a pact or a set of rules or an illusion or security or a pain free fear free existence. If part of the experience of being with him is pain and fear I'll take it. If part of the experience of being with him is that I have to learn to be in reality I'll do it. If part of the experience of being with him is living without knowing, every minute of every day, of consciously not knowing where he is, what he's doing, then dammit, I'll do it. Some men really are just that good.


Edited to add: There's another aspect to all of this that just occured to me. In order to keep him willing to give me the kind of sex I want I have to be willing to allow his wildness. In order for him to be wild for me he has to be wild in general. I can't seek to make it all mine. I can't insist he be focused on me. There has to be a strong element of him keeping his eye on the ball, and I can't be the ball. If he keeps his sights outward, toward all kinds of conquest, if I don't fetter him or seek to own his wildness he remains wild. When I demand he only be wild with me, he becomes domesticated and is no longer interested in dangerous sex.

This is why I don't demand monogamy from my lover even though I'm a monogamous person. His freedom benefits me sexually. If he's free to conquer, seduce, and fvck any woman he chooses, he comes back to me wild and untamed, and guys, that's just the way I like him. I don't want a domesticated male. I want a stud.

I know this isn't for everyone, by any means, but it works for me.
 Blk_Archangel7
Joined: 12/21/2007
Msg: 1164
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 1/26/2009 2:31:28 PM
I can forgive it, but don't expect me to stay in the relation ship tho cuz my self respect always comes first.
 LucOberdere
Joined: 3/12/2008
Msg: 1166
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History
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 1/26/2009 5:24:43 PM
Walk.. NO ! Run away!

Shows anothers' respect for you (none).

And if this person did it to you once they will do it again.

But I do think to forgive would be healthy.
And after some time you should do just that.

Don't forget it though, this is all part of learning...
 CheloWelo86
Joined: 11/24/2008
Msg: 1167
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 1/26/2009 8:14:44 PM
If you love the person, you will forgive them, If you like them but dont love them..You'll dump them like hot garbage, My opinion....if she/he has time to have intercourse with another counterpart.....she/he has time to suffer the punishment and heart ache of an individual act of self-endulgence
 floridafood09
Joined: 1/12/2009
Msg: 1168
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Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 2/12/2009 7:38:17 AM
helllllllllllll too the no
women cheat because they think it is empowering because they think all men cheat and they are jsut getting even. this is a perverted form of equality for women that have no ideas on life and that cannot or will not think for themselves
a women that cheats will get a boot to the back of the head if she is lucky
and she will find herself at the curb because men no longer have to put up with that shit anymore
 ~Hello~
Joined: 7/30/2008
Msg: 1170
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 2/12/2009 8:01:55 AM
...........................................................................................................................................


Has anyone every had a succesfull relationship with a cheater?


Yeah .. but it wasn't their Spouse. I knew a woman who used married men .. she dated cheaters exclusively. It was successful for her, crap the last one bought her a car!!!

Can I forgive someone who's cheated on me? Sure I can - but forgiving is not about letting them back in to repeat the behaviour.. Forgiving is about letting go of the anger and hurt so I can get on with My life and not bring that past baggage to my next relationship.

Forgive, move on. Be happy you found out Before you received the nonreturnable give of AIDS.

 frieda22
Joined: 2/5/2009
Msg: 1171
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 2/12/2009 8:17:58 AM
I forgave ....I never thought I would forgive, but I did and I feel much better now than I was in the previous weeks. However, I don't forget and I can't and won't take a cheater back. I won't put myself through the same sh!t again and I hope no one else does it either. One time was enough for me to learn, thank you very much.
 Sepia777
Joined: 2/26/2008
Msg: 1172
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 2/12/2009 8:30:20 AM
Surely you jest.... NO
 Cynderella
Joined: 3/8/2007
Msg: 1173
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History
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 2/12/2009 10:08:31 AM
I have forgiven...
I learned one thing, a man can be loyal... A loyal cheater.
Have I forgotten...no

So next time...I will forgive but I will be long gone after!
 jm0405
Joined: 7/7/2008
Msg: 1174
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 2/12/2009 10:10:26 AM
No. Cheat once = Cheat again. Once a cheater/liar always a cheater/liar.
 ironangel13
Joined: 12/31/2008
Msg: 1175
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 2/12/2009 10:35:06 AM
YES, you can forgive and move on..."CHEATING" is just a symptom of what the underlying issue really is. When a partner strays from you, they mainly do it for a reason. Ask yourself some honest questions:
1. Has our love life become boring?
2. Are we going through a stressful period of time (financially, someone is ill, etc., etc)
3. Have I done anything I am aware of that my partner is upset about?

Those are just an example of some questions. I am not saying CHEATING can be justified and is OKAY in a healthy relationship. I am saying, we are all HUMAN and everyone makes mistakes or has issues they need to work on. Sometimes the person who got cheated on may be in denial with regard to something going on in the relationship, or is unable to accept the truth that their partner may struggle with addiction such as drugs, alcohol or sex addiction or even unexcepting of an undiagnosed mental illness that can lead someone to cheat? Many things contribute to someone cheating...

Very sorry it happened to you. It is how you deal with it going forward that will make all the difference. Sometimes forgiveness is the hardest thing to do, but in some cases can be the most healing....best wishes to you
 ~Hello~
Joined: 7/30/2008
Msg: 1176
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 2/12/2009 10:35:33 AM
.........................................................................................................................................

Forgiving does NOT mean "forgetting" .. it does Not mean you allow the same person a chance to 'screw' you (screw you around) again.

Forgiveness (Simply) means that You give yourself a break from all that negativity, animosity, headaches, sleepless nights, anxiety, fretting and general not so nice thinking and feeling that ONLY serves to Hurt You!

The person you hold the grudge or bitterness toward carries on enjoying life - while you hang on to Old Garbage - aka Baggage.

Forgive. Period. Accept that they are who they are, they've done what they've done and don't give them ANY more energy.

Resentments, grudges, hanging on to OLD HURTS - is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to get sick.

Let it go. Move on - You'll be glad you did. I KNOW.
 moonlit09
Joined: 9/18/2008
Msg: 1177
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 2/12/2009 10:57:15 AM
Never just move on there is better for you out there- Its disrespectful.
 brianmills
Joined: 10/30/2007
Msg: 1178
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 2/12/2009 12:38:21 PM
Its only cheating if you are married or engaged if that's the case then leave them,otherwise its called dating .
 southernlady1840
Joined: 4/30/2008
Msg: 1179
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 2/12/2009 12:43:23 PM
Nope... the trust has been broken and then i wonder every time they leave if they seeing somone else... just can't do that to myself so.. i let them go.
 hyper777
Joined: 8/14/2008
Msg: 1180
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 2/12/2009 3:42:29 PM
THE ANSWER IS NO ONCE A CHEATER ALWAYS A CHEATER AND MOVE ON AND DONT FORGIVE
 Metallica87
Joined: 10/1/2008
Msg: 1181
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 2/12/2009 9:47:59 PM
I can forgive but I sure as hell never want that person back in my life.
 worldclassman
Joined: 2/7/2009
Msg: 1182
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 2/12/2009 10:07:46 PM
It's in our blood as men to want to have a mistress on the side. It's not that we don't love you, we just like to drive another car every now and again instead of hopping in that same old jalopy in the garage every day.

Just tell him if he cheats to not let you find out and to wear a rubber and just forget about it and move on. What you don't know won't hurt you.

Hit the gym and keep the beaver nice and trim and you will have a better chance at keeping him from straying. And if you find a nice guy who wants you to toss a leg for him, by all means do it if you are attracted to him and could use a good lay.

If you have children with the guy then that's a different story and I'm not gonna get into that. There are more souls on POF I must save.

Moving on...
 foobie
Joined: 2/7/2009
Msg: 1183
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 2/12/2009 10:59:35 PM
Yes, I can forgive a cheater but will I stay with him? Nah. My new boyfriend promised me that he will not cheat and he will try to control his needs. If he ends up cheating on me then he's either too selfish or something is missing the relationship. It's not something I can fix so I would definitely leave. I'm not a hateful person so I'd probably just forgive and remain friends or something.
 crazy4mars
Joined: 2/9/2009
Msg: 1184
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 2/12/2009 11:39:11 PM
I think I would be like Michael Keaton in the movie "Speechless" when asked by Gina Davis "would you forgive a cheater? And he says ...well, I would take the one I loved and go for a drive to the beach at sunset overlooking a cliff and then push her off!
It's a "no"
 RADinsocal
Joined: 2/3/2009
Msg: 1185
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History
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 2/13/2009 1:58:50 AM
What? Do you think women have the market for having emotional needs? Heck no!
Speaking for myself, yes, I have very recognizable needs, they're just not met. I was cheated on, and the player that she was didn't offer any apology, nor excuse... But I got over it.

Trust once broken, can be mended to a degree, but it is so fragile, it is no longer the strong connection, it will break.
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