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Joined: 8/29/2008
Msg: 1193
Cheating- can you forgive?Page 36 of 59    (19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59)

Hit the gym and keep the beaver nice and trim and you will have a better chance at keeping him from straying.

nuh uh. You said above that men have it in their blood. Nothing the woman does or doesn't do will change his blood.

What you don't know won't hurt you.

does this also apply if she's stepping out on you??

Curious minds want to know.
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 1195
view profile
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 2/14/2009 10:50:34 AM

(Msg 1267) people - men AND women - cheat more often than we like to admit. anyone who says they immediately and without a thought dump the person who cheats on them either isn't telling the whole story or has never been in the situation with a person they are in love with.

I agree. What I’ve always found strange is when a person says, “I would have preferred if my partner had left rather than his/her having had an affair.”

Who would prefer that the person they love would leave? Isn’t that the worst thing that can happen? If one believes that having an affair means their partner does not love them what does, “I’m leaving you because I don’t want to be with you any more”, mean?

People say an affair is planned. Who decides to go to the company party because they plan to sleep with the Human Resources Officer? Or goes to the bar planning to pick someone up unless they are single? What married guy goes to the bar with a plan?

“I’ll buy her a few drinks. We’ll talk. As things progress I’ll suggest the Holiday Inn. I’ll park in the back so no one sees my car.”

That, IMO, is planning. How many people actually plan like that? That’s why I don’t understand people who see an affair as a grand plan and their partner as someone who deliberately plotted to be unfaithful.

my current boyfriend cheated.......... i'm still with him, but i'm not sure for how long. i haven't forgiven him and i'm not sure i ever will, no matter how much i wish i could.

Unfortunately, this being primarily a dating site, those whose marriage/relationship survived an affair would not be here so the consensus is somewhat skewed. My advice is to not be swayed by the "dump him" sentiment.

I've known two couples who split over an affair. While the aggrieved party maintained their self-respect and dignity had to be maintained it usually translated to ego. In both cases they didn't realize the consequences of their actions (splitting up).

Family alienation (visits by in-laws, aunts, uncles, cousins stopped), financial difficulties, loss of friends, loneliness, children acting out.......the more they suffered the more they despised their partner when it was they who decided to end the relationship.

That's why many divorces become bitter. It goes way past the initial indiscretion. The act of leaving thinking "I'll show them", believing they will hurt their partner by leaving, frequently results in them hurting themselves, their children, extended family members, friends, etc.

I'd suggest carefully weighing the pros and cons. Depending on your relationship prior to the affair be sure to realize what you're throwing away. It appears you still love your boyfriend so you have to ask yourself, "How long did it take to find such a connection?"

If you were happy with your boyfriend before the affair what are the odds of finding similar happiness with someone else? I think that question is relatively easy to answer by seeing the number of people here seeking such a connection.
Joined: 8/12/2007
Msg: 1196
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 2/14/2009 11:13:40 AM
I was only once cheated on, and I forgave.
Lone hawk wrote it best:

I do not need the stress or heartache of wondering where my partner is, who she's with, what she's doing without my knowledge,

That's what I went through for a entire year afterwards. and it festers - suddenly it becomes arguments which comes down to the time she cheated.

I know some people who are married and spouse has cheated on them. Mentally, they're already divorced, the only reason they stay together is for the children.
I don't know how they can handle it or maybe they stick to the light at the end of the tunnel - kids are gone and living on their own - time to hit the road.
Joined: 8/12/2007
Msg: 1197
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 2/14/2009 11:18:31 AM
[qoute]First of all there has to be a reason why they cheated on you
There's always a reason which the cheater always makes their partner feel guilty.
I was guilty for falling for this one.
There's no excuse for cheating, plain and simple.
If you don't like the relationship, there's the option to move on.
Joined: 8/23/2008
Msg: 1198
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 2/14/2009 12:04:20 PM
No!!!....Just get over it, and move on....with or without another...lifes too short, to put up with cheaters.....
Joined: 1/11/2009
Msg: 1199
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 2/14/2009 2:18:22 PM
I put up with some funny shit from my ex before we split. I don't know if she was actually doing anything with 'the other man', a woman named Carla, but it was all too weird.

Seriously, if they can't be loyal what good are they?
Joined: 1/7/2009
Msg: 1201
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 2/14/2009 4:54:39 PM
I could forgive, it's the trust that is destroyed and isn't going to come back. I'm also a firm believe in once a cheater, always a cheater. I won't give it a second chance if cheating happens.
Joined: 12/29/2008
Msg: 1202
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 2/14/2009 5:04:07 PM
I cannot forgive, cause once a cheater always a cheater. They cannot be trusted. You forgive them and they'll walk all over you and do it again.
Joined: 12/7/2008
Msg: 1205
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 2/22/2009 4:45:45 PM
First of all, I think you already know the answer deep down in side. When someone betrays your trust, they can never get it back. Forgiving the person is one thing, forgetting is a whole other story.

I was in this situation. Years ago an ex met someone out at a bar and he went back to their place. Did anything happen? I don't know for sure, but it doesn't matter. The intent was there the minute he went home with her. I guess I never truly trusted him after that and I surely never forgot.

I do believe that people can change. This is something that you will have to figure out on your own. I wish you all the best.
 nice guy here 4u
Joined: 11/14/2008
Msg: 1206
view profile
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 2/22/2009 5:06:06 PM
well For one to cheat there has to be something lacking in a relationship. Im not making excuses for a cheater but there has to be an underlying reason. Even if its not a physical reason. There are instances when people emotionally cheat. Become closer to someone without the physical acts. If things get to that point a couple really needs to talk to each other to solve their problems. Thats what couples are suppose to do.
Joined: 5/9/2008
Msg: 1208
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 2/23/2009 8:36:07 AM
I would just like to say .... being in love and discovering your other half is a cheater really sucks, especailly when you have this perfectly well adjusted child. I recently discovered that my boyfriend of 10 years is on this very site. Awhile back I didnt think much of it, because he said on his profile that he was not single and was not looking. Well he recently changed his status to single(news to me) and one night when he was drunk (again) he didn't sign off. I looked ofcourse and found that he has been meeting people off of here. I also found a lot of lies not only that he tells me but he tells people on here. Sure I was pissed and messaged a few women to let them know he was not what he said he was but it just made me really sick, so i stopped. I could have messaged every woman on there(he keeps all messages to keep up with what things he has told who) to let them know the truth of the matter but I didn't. I didn't want to make myself look bad, I have more pride than that. It isn't the first time he has cheated, i'm sure not the last. I am a good ,honest,and loyal person I deserve better. I CAN do better. I wanted to work it out for us , for our son, 10 years is a long time.
IF you decide to try and forgive a cheater let me tell you from experience that you could end up really miserable. Feelings of insecurity, doubt, always skeptical, no trust, and lose sleep when they are out a little to long. It's a very unhappy place to be, I don't wish it on anyone. After this last time of catching him ..... I no longer feel the same. I am deeply hurt that he could lie to me for so long. Now my eyes wander and my heart slowly drifts away. He is going to lose the best thing that ever happened to him and it will be his own doing. Beware he is charming .... he is funny .... and he is NOT honest! He goes for older women!
Joined: 1/10/2008
Msg: 1209
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 2/23/2009 10:03:45 PM
We all know its hard to forgive and forget,Kudos to the ones able to love and start clean & the ones able to change their "sneaky"ways .(If there is somebody out there capable to do this please i'll pay for lessons)
But you will never understand why he did it unless you are in his shoes ?
and he will never learn how to apreciate if you decide to forgive him unless he is in your shoes.
If he really loves you and wants you back soooo bad he will get the point and you will get the fun.
Ivanka trump said once "dont get mad get Even or even better get everything "
Joined: 1/20/2007
Msg: 1210
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 2/23/2009 10:12:08 PM
I have a problem with the word cheating, but if my partner had sex with someone else,(safe sex, as safe as that can be) Yes, I would take him back. (I have a problem with the word forgive too, as it's not up to me to forgive). Do I want to know about it? Nope.
Joined: 7/17/2008
Msg: 1211
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 2/24/2009 5:48:02 AM
potentially, there is a difference between cheating because you have all the integrity of your average ape and you just can't keep it in your pants, and cheating because there is some other kind of underlying reason, as indicated in post #1309. so theoretically yes, i *could* forgive cheating but it would depend on history, circumstances, and the overall quality/value of the relationship. if a relationship is on shaky ground anyway (which it most likely is if somebody is cheating), well then cheating becomes the last straw. most of the time, for most people in a relationship, it is the first AND the last straw. it creates more conflict and emotional angst than can ever be repaired.
Joined: 8/29/2008
Msg: 1212
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 2/24/2009 6:33:19 AM
^^^^Cynthia. He answered your question in his next sentence:

And if you find a nice guy who wants you to toss a leg for him, by all means do it if you are attracted to him and could use a good lay.

Actually, I don't think he answered my question. I read his poast that it's ok for some nameless/generic woman to lay it down for another guy.

He didn't answer whether it was ok for 'his' woman to step out on him.

I'm not trying to be argumentative, but I've learned in many years of dating and many months of reading forums, that one shouldn't assume people have the same standard of behavior for themselves (and their loved ones) as they do for people they don't know.
Joined: 11/7/2008
Msg: 1213
Here I thought the only reason to get married...
Posted: 2/24/2009 6:56:31 AM
was to cheat on your wife (or husband if thats the case), why would you do it otherwise? :)

Fools fall in love
wise man do it too
wise men hit the bottom
and fools fall right on through
 english lass
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 1214
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 2/24/2009 7:05:56 AM
at first i'd probably be too shattered to think about anything logically.... but after that initial blow had worn off, i would forgive, because i wouldn't want to live with the bitterness, resentment, anger and sorrow etc. that can come from not forgiving - i've found that hanging on to stuff just continues the pain and is more punishing to me than it ever is to the other person...

but i wouldn't be able to trust him again and therefore wouldn't want to continue a relationship with him

i don't become vulnerable easily at all and to be cheated on would be a very deep betrayal...
Joined: 1/27/2009
Msg: 1215
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 2/24/2009 7:17:01 AM
Cheating- can you forgive?

If this happens the relationship is over, period.. Sure I could forgive, but I would never want to see her or acknowledge her again.
Joined: 5/31/2008
Msg: 1216
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 2/24/2009 7:17:29 AM
Wow, Fed~up!!
Your story sounds almost exactly like mine! Together for 9 yrs, we have a daughter, never maried.... and he was on this very dating service as well as so many others.... I also found he had been sending love letters to some gal he dated for a few months aas a teen, 25 yrs ago! Saying he had never stopped loving her... yeah, we tryed to work it out, but he kept trying to get in contact with her...I found the corrospondance between him and the woman he cheated on me with when he went to school last year, she had no idea he was in a relationship... I still hurt so much, even now. Charming, funny.... not honest... I wonder if their related?

I hoped we could work it out, as my parents and his parents had... my parenst were together since they were 13 and dad cheated on my mother several times dyring their marriage, but they worked it out, he loved my mom, and when my mom passed away, after being with each other for 64 yrs, she knew he had always loved her...everything else was just a fling. Yeah, it hurt her, but his love was what she valued. He was with her to the end, caring for her on her death bed with ever ounce of energy he had left. His( my ex's) mother went through the same thing, she stuck it out, and in the end, they were inseparable... his last words he could speak to her before he passed last year (also) was " I was afraid I would never be able to tell you I love you again" Emotional and physical are two different things. Women get very upset at the emotional attractions, Men seem to be more upset at a physical attraction... it's been documented.

I think I could have eventually forgiven mine , if it had only been a physical thing, but his need to continue a relationship with the one was what broke us apart. The sneaking around to call her, email her, even trying to meet her while he was out on the road trucking and went to her state... that was the worst thing possible. All the others he dropped right away. The worst thing is, she is married, and we were getting married, until he started with her.... then suddenly, he changed his mind.

I can tell you, I am still very much in love with him, the pain is still so fresh, but I know he has no empathy, he is just a liar, and that wll always be. I have to make myself move on for those reasons. Hopefully, there will be a man out there that can give me the love and respect I deserve..... time will tell.....
Joined: 12/9/2007
Msg: 1217
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 2/24/2009 7:27:59 AM
I had been in a relationship with a women who didn't provide the full details of her involvement with another guy before we proceeded with our relationship at that time. She placed me in a cheating relationship while withholding information that would have changed our interaction had I known of her other relationship. So I think cheating has to do with the situation and whether each party involved had knowledge of the infidelity. Delibrate has to do with engaging in the act while having knowledge that those involved are cheating.
 Bigger Guy
Joined: 10/3/2005
Msg: 1218
view profile
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 2/24/2009 3:39:26 PM
As much as no one likes to hear it, cheating, or infidelity as it is really called, is a sign of a problem by both partners in the relationship.It may seem like the main problem, but it is a side effect of the real problem.
So to overcome the side problem both parties have to understand what went wrong and be able to completely forgive each other and move on.
If you choose not to, then you should at least do some self searching as to where you went wrong, so as not to create the same problem situation again on your part.
In most cases it boils down to two basic areas. Communication and changing someone to someone they are not. In both areas there are many ways for a relationship to flounder.
Infidelity is not the main problem, just a side effect of it.
Joined: 8/7/2008
Msg: 1219
view profile
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 2/24/2009 5:37:46 PM
there is no such thing as a successful relationship with a cheater. and NO i dont forgive cheating. that is a automatic deal-breaker; why? because cheaters places your very live in DANGER due to all of the deadly STDS that are floating around. why risk your life for some that clearly dont love, like; much less respect you. you cheat and i find out; im GONE!
Joined: 8/7/2008
Msg: 1220
view profile
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 2/24/2009 5:40:38 PM
I would not take her back; she broke the ultimate link that keeps trust, love and respect in tack. You take her back and before long, she will be at it again. Taking cheaters back does nothing more than to give them the opportunity to cheat again. Also, cheaters are liars and ask yourself; can you ever trust a liar?
Joined: 12/11/2008
Msg: 1221
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 2/24/2009 10:44:41 PM
Other's who haven't experienced it can say, "run, don't walk. Once a cheater, always a cheater" with conviction and a clear conscience. But I agree with you, if experienced first hand, the answers aren't always so clear. It happened to me. At first, I wanted to leave. I was hysterical and probably should've handled it a little better but those emotions are so raw. Damned! I never want to feel that way again. I got to thinking , we've invested all these wonderful ( or so I thought) years in each other, our marriage is worth saving! We used to tease people who said marriage was hard work. "No it isn't! We're each other's best friend and we have fun sex all the time, never argue, keep our money separate as agreed beforehand...what work?" Then it happened. I read many books on the subject. Some couples actually come through an affair closer than before. All the feces comes out when the wayward spouse is honest and tells the other what was lacking in the marriage. The act of the spurned spouse being willing to listen, to work things out tells the wayward spouse they are loved. Just the honesty and the outpouring of emotions during a conversation like that can bring a couple closer together. Usually, there are contributing factors that lead to an affair. If those factors are addressed, changed, protected from happening again, I believe a marriage can not only be saved, but thrive. I know of two such marriages. I tried that approach and desperately wanted for us to thrive, but he was a serial cheater. There's was no saving him from himself. He wanted to stay married to me because I'm pretty damned wonderful, but he was just too weak to temptation, too selfish, too vain. I know he'll miss what he threw away. He already emailed, "We've spent 10 years together and I'll never forget you. You were my best friend, my wife and my fantasy lover." I put it out there just recently maybe someday we could work it out after reading that email. He made it clear, no way was he going to go through the accusations again. Sometimes, I admit, I was wrong and like I wrote, could've done things differently. Those are the stories he tells his friends. Most of the time I was right. Those are the stories they don't hear. Unfortunely, we never had that tearful moment of honesty. She left her #*!!! pantihose on our bedroom floor! Do I really need to do a DNA test to get him to finally man up and admit what I already know? So if your spouse is placing ads and nailing every hottie on the internet, I'll say there's no hope. If your spouse had an affair with the secretary, the one- time affair, then there's a chance. Honesty, sincerety, remorse and understanding are all precursors to forgiveness. I wish you the best. Take your time to make the right decision. It'll affect the rest of your life but it does take both willing, honest partners to make it work. If it makes you feel any better, the odds are not good, only 3-7% that if he leaves you (the spouse?) for her that they'll make it as a couple.
Joined: 5/24/2008
Msg: 1222
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 2/24/2009 10:53:14 PM
Forgive someone for lying?- maybe. For cheating?-never.
You can forgive...but you will never forget. Will you ever FULLY trust the person again? -of course not.

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