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 dysfunction_junction
Joined: 7/17/2008
Msg: 1267
Cheating- can you forgive?Page 39 of 59    (19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59)
my parents were married for 30 years. long after i'd left home and even after they went their separate ways, i got the stories about how they caught each other fooling around several times. well that was back in the '60s when everyone was wearing skinny ties, smoking & drinking & listening to jazz (so depraved) and the so-called sexual revolution. i guess they had a good laugh about it, i don't know, but i do know that the fooling around didn't end their relationship. so there must have been a whole lot more going on in the relationship that they found to be of value or they would have called it quits way back when.

i know another married couple, still married, that just celebrated their 40th anniversary. again, there has been fooling around on the side by at least one person in this relationship. and i'm sure the other person knows about it, too. yet they are committed as hell and it's something they've been able to work through.

i think most people can't ever get over the betrayal of trust and emotional fallout that comes with cheating, but some of them can. it probably depends a whole lot on (1) the reasons for the cheating; and (2) what else is going on in the relationship.
 danzandsing
Joined: 5/12/2009
Msg: 1268
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/14/2009 6:13:19 AM

Cheating- can you forgive?


The better question to ask is:

Do you want to forgive? There's a need to hold onto the anarchy too long in today's society. I was cheated on, just last year. I'm done with it. Sometimes, we want to linger in the action far too long.

Reality check. What we wanted was to be the person on the receiving end of the intimacy dispersed towards someone else. There's nothing wrong with that. And, that we feel that our partner was already moving past us..is sometimes hard to swallow. But, that isn't for us to place them in the judgment seat. I loved my wife, but I realise that she needed something I wasn't providing for some reason at that time. The thing I remember is that during my nearly 8-year marriage is that I was providing lots of other things that kept us going for that length of time. And that after all was said and done, she was showing me something vastly important. That good sex doesn't just cut it. That there are far more intangibles that make relationships last, and those need as much if not more attention.

Forgiving these situations are just as essential to living a healthy life, as they are an essential to enjoying a future relationship.

"To err is human; to forgive is divine."

Danz
 kpooks
Joined: 12/23/2008
Msg: 1269
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History
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/14/2009 6:33:07 AM
You can forgive them...but don't take them back.
 FresnoChevrolady
Joined: 6/20/2009
Msg: 1270
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/20/2009 7:15:20 AM
I was cheated on many years ago, and you CAN work through it. It is all in how you feel about yourself, and even though it's probably pretty low right now, it will take time but you WILL feel better. NOBODY should have the power over you to make you feel badly about yourself. When it's over it's over. Be honest, and Don't cheat !! As the saying goes " I would do for you what you do for me."
 Vincent_1984
Joined: 11/14/2005
Msg: 1271
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History
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/20/2009 7:55:06 AM
I think they can be forgiven. I don't see how I could ever cheat myself but if someone was to cheat on me, as hurt as I may be at first, if this person shows any signs of remorse for her actions than I would most likely end up forgiving her. For one thing, I firmly believe that people change constantly. We are shaped by our experiences and, whether we realize it or not, we are all changing on a daily basis.

Another part of me also feels that I do not own this person and she is free to do whatever she chooses with or without my consent. Yes, I would feel betrayed by her actions and hurt by the lack of communication but there is nothing I can do to restrict her from cheating if she wants to. However, if it does get to the point where someone cheats, it is usually a clear indication that the relationship failed a long time ago.

I would not want to be in a relationship with this person until I know that I can trust her again but I don't think I would just stop loving her either. To me, love is unconditional and I would be willing to forgive regardless of whether or not we are in a relationship. However, if she is willing to make the effort to rebuild that trust, than I would also be willing to do the same (assuming that I haven't already moved on to someone else).
 Eye have you
Joined: 7/13/2009
Msg: 1272
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/20/2009 8:12:59 AM
No it wont work... You willalways have it on your mind, you will want the details.. They will hurt... Sure a strong person can sit and endure the pain, but a stronger person can walk away from the pain and move on
 CynthiaMw
Joined: 7/13/2009
Msg: 1273
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/21/2009 9:03:51 PM
forgiveness is for the person doing the forgiving, not the person receiving. Forgiveness is about finding peace; not a way of forgetting, or becoming a doormat.

That said, sometimes I still cry and wonder why they did it.

Then the mantra comes in handy -- "it's not about me, it's about them." It wasn't something I said or did, or didn't say or didn't do. It was something about them that they needed sex with another woman more than they needed my respect or their own self-respect and integrity.
 SassyBrown*
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 1274
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/21/2009 9:14:48 PM
I think you can forgive, but forget -- not really.

I was cheated on but then again our relationship from the start was pretty messed up.....on again/off again, hmm so was it really cheating? I don't know, I try not to dwell on it. He knew he messed up and he was definitely on a very short leash. I've never seen a man so emotional in my life! I believe there are guys who cheat and don't give a sh!t who they're hurt. And then there are guys who cheat and have seen the hurt and betrayal they've caused and never cheat again. I thank God he was the latter.
 read only
Joined: 8/22/2008
Msg: 1275
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/21/2009 9:35:57 PM
Haven't read any other post in this thread, but no way.

Cheating is the absolute worst thing a person could do.
 Single_in_ H_town
Joined: 6/14/2009
Msg: 1277
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/21/2009 11:38:45 PM
if someone cheated on me once, they get a 2nd chance, but if they cheat again, it just proves to me they dont care about me and thats where I draw the line

some guys stick around however, my sister cheated on her boyfriend over five times, and yet he wouldnt leave her, and she broke it off with him after about a week later

I didnt think my sister was the type who would do that to a person she loved, honestly I still dont get why she did that.
 lovemesomemen
Joined: 7/14/2009
Msg: 1278
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/21/2009 11:52:39 PM
Honestly, I have mixed feelings about this. I can't stand cheaters. I've never given someone who cheated on me a 2nd chance. But a lot of people believe that they do deserve a 2nd chance. But...if you forgive them, are you just telling them that it's okay to do that?
 CarmenJonez
Joined: 4/5/2009
Msg: 1279
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/22/2009 12:14:34 AM
I dont condone cheaters or cheating what so ever... Seriously majority of the times if you forgive them once they feel they can walk all over you anytime they want. Granted their are some people who can change but like the saying goes a tiger doesnt change it stripes overnight. (which is weird becuase tigers stripes never change lol but you get what im saying) Like people need to personally experience life and if someone cheats on you they never respected or value you from the start...
 Crunchy Tacos
Joined: 3/26/2009
Msg: 1280
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/22/2009 12:57:02 AM
The only way to guarantee this doesn't happen to you again by this same person is to not have them in your life.
 sapperman1017
Joined: 7/18/2009
Msg: 1281
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/22/2009 1:42:19 AM
hey, i have been cheated on a couple times everytime hurts. makes u feel as if your not good enough for the person u love. to answer your question u have to ask yourself is this person worth forgiving, we all make mistakes. how much do i love this person and are they truely sorry about what they did. only you can tell since we dont know them. i was cheated on by a girl i forgave her and are relationship lasted very long and we had lots of fun together sadly we departed ways becuase of my job. but she never did cheat again and to this day she says she loves me and cant wait for me to come home again. to be together. so ask urself this if you forgive him and he does cheat again your no worse off than if you didnt forgive him the first time. but if you do forgive him and he doesnt cheat well you made the right choice. if u do forgive him you gotta set some kind of ground rules and if he is truely sorry he well except them no matter what they are.
 Minau
Joined: 9/2/2007
Msg: 1282
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/22/2009 1:54:03 AM
I've been cheated on by someone I was actually preparing to spend the rest of my life with..we were in the process of looking for a place together..when it happened he did propose for over 3 days...crying the entire time...what did I do...I skipped the country to recollect and find myself again and figure out what I needed to do...I decided if I can live without him...I will...if not, then I'll work on it...whatdya know..I got over him so we never worked on it and went separate ways...moral of the story...if you can move on without him...it's just not worth the energy to "work on it" and move on...if I had never seen him as my future... I wouldn't even contemplate working on it...he's done...as is the relationship as evident by his actions anyways.
 read only
Joined: 8/22/2008
Msg: 1283
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/22/2009 6:29:04 AM
I think I am going to cheat today.

I have already planned on having some "Soft Tacos" for dinner, when what I really want is some "CRUNCHY tacos"

Anyways, she would have to have a pretty dam good reason for me to take her back. I just don't condone cheating for ANY reason. I am typically not a man to give 2nd chances on most things. My belief is once something always something. In this instance it is cheating.
 wendy_2008
Joined: 7/3/2009
Msg: 1284
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/27/2009 1:32:21 AM
once a cheater, always a cheater.
 saintsinner2
Joined: 5/31/2009
Msg: 1285
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/27/2009 2:23:28 AM
If you cheat on me I'm done. If I cheat on you, go find Lorena Bobbit and I assure you I'll take my consequences (then again, why cheat?).
 *Wonder_Woman*
Joined: 11/18/2008
Msg: 1286
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/27/2009 2:46:48 AM
Were you dating only, exclusive and sleeping with each other only, commited and engaged to be married?. It all depends.
 joebean1026
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 1287
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/27/2009 8:37:52 AM
OP: Sorry this has happened to you, it is a painful thing to have in one's life... At least you're not married or have children....

Forgiveness? Forgiving is for YOU, not for THEM. Forgive or become a bitter person... forgive, put that baggage behind you -- for yourself...

Now, to the bigger question - can you stay in a relationship with them? Can the trust be repaired?? Can they develop more strength of character in the future, than they have shown in the past??? These are questions for you to answer.

Me? Yes, I forgive - becuase I do not want to become a bitter hateful person...

Me stay? repair the trust?? wait while they fix themselves, develop esteem and character???... NOPE.
 dyinginside11
Joined: 5/16/2009
Msg: 1288
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/27/2009 8:41:44 AM
It all depends on the circumstances. I'd say if they came clean about it, it shows that they are not happy with themselves for what they've done, so in that circumstance, I MAY be able to forgive and continue on. If caught red handed, then there is no possible way ever of repairing that damage.
 varinia
Joined: 1/1/2009
Msg: 1289
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/27/2009 8:55:54 AM
I don't know if I could really forgive it. I'd like to say that I could, but I honestly don't know if I was a big enough person for that. For me it would be such a betrayal of trust, that I might be able to get past it in terms of maybe being 'friends' with the person, but the relationship as it was would be over and it would be something that would always lay awake.

The trust could never come back to the level that it was. And can it be said that something is forgiven, if the act made it impossible for the situation to get back to what they were before?
 Mr. FLW
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 1290
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/27/2009 11:09:28 AM
"Once a cheater, always a cheater" Oh so so true, unforgivable and whoever does it dont deserve a second chance. I made the mistake of doing that after a girl (my first girlfriend) cheated on me. If they cheat on you, what makes you think they're feel different just because they were caught? maybe make them want to be more SECRETIVE, but thats about it. Dump the guy, hes a lame, fellas, dump the woman if she did that to you. No point in going 100% and she/he goes 0%.

Good luck with your decision,

Mr. FLW
 Sabrosura
Joined: 1/7/2009
Msg: 1291
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/27/2009 11:12:12 AM
Eventually, I'll forgive them, but I won't be with them.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 1292
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/27/2009 11:56:36 AM
If using a basic definition of forgiveness meaning to give up all resentment, that can be, sure. Not immediately of course, and how much time depends on the type of cheating and the relationship you've had with them.

If they were not truly sorry or incapable of having regret about it, I can't say that I could forgive on that basic level, although the resentment would wilter to a small degree and would only come to mind if I even ever saw said girl again. So BASICALLY, yes, but more time given... I think a lot of times when we say we "forgive" we basically mean "It's not baggage to me/bothers me anymore", when really, there is hidden threads of not-that-bad resentment that arises when you're around them.

If you're using the normal definition to grant someone a pardon and cease all debts, I would say no. That would require you to believe "that's not an emotional deal breaker." Unless you believe you deserved it (like, you cheated before), I think you'd be lying to yourself then.
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