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Joined: 5/16/2009
Msg: 1288
Cheating- can you forgive?Page 39 of 59    (19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59)
It all depends on the circumstances. I'd say if they came clean about it, it shows that they are not happy with themselves for what they've done, so in that circumstance, I MAY be able to forgive and continue on. If caught red handed, then there is no possible way ever of repairing that damage.
Joined: 1/1/2009
Msg: 1289
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/27/2009 8:55:54 AM
I don't know if I could really forgive it. I'd like to say that I could, but I honestly don't know if I was a big enough person for that. For me it would be such a betrayal of trust, that I might be able to get past it in terms of maybe being 'friends' with the person, but the relationship as it was would be over and it would be something that would always lay awake.

The trust could never come back to the level that it was. And can it be said that something is forgiven, if the act made it impossible for the situation to get back to what they were before?
 Mr. FLW
Joined: 7/23/2009
Msg: 1290
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/27/2009 11:09:28 AM
"Once a cheater, always a cheater" Oh so so true, unforgivable and whoever does it dont deserve a second chance. I made the mistake of doing that after a girl (my first girlfriend) cheated on me. If they cheat on you, what makes you think they're feel different just because they were caught? maybe make them want to be more SECRETIVE, but thats about it. Dump the guy, hes a lame, fellas, dump the woman if she did that to you. No point in going 100% and she/he goes 0%.

Good luck with your decision,

Joined: 1/7/2009
Msg: 1291
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/27/2009 11:12:12 AM
Eventually, I'll forgive them, but I won't be with them.
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 1292
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/27/2009 11:56:36 AM
If using a basic definition of forgiveness meaning to give up all resentment, that can be, sure. Not immediately of course, and how much time depends on the type of cheating and the relationship you've had with them.

If they were not truly sorry or incapable of having regret about it, I can't say that I could forgive on that basic level, although the resentment would wilter to a small degree and would only come to mind if I even ever saw said girl again. So BASICALLY, yes, but more time given... I think a lot of times when we say we "forgive" we basically mean "It's not baggage to me/bothers me anymore", when really, there is hidden threads of not-that-bad resentment that arises when you're around them.

If you're using the normal definition to grant someone a pardon and cease all debts, I would say no. That would require you to believe "that's not an emotional deal breaker." Unless you believe you deserved it (like, you cheated before), I think you'd be lying to yourself then.
Joined: 7/21/2009
Msg: 1294
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/27/2009 4:38:27 PM
You will have to decide.
If you feel YOU are Worth it.
Worth feeling loved
Worth feeling true
Worth feeling honored
Worth feeling trust
Worth feeling respected
Worth feeling safe
Worth feeling sure
Worth feeling complete
Worth being loyal to
Worth feeling Happy.

It is ONLY YOUR LIFE to decide.
Love yourself first, and you will know your worth.
The bottom line is, the person who is worth your tears will not make you cry.
Love is not deceitful. Never will be.
 Super Mendicant
Joined: 3/21/2009
Msg: 1295
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/27/2009 5:33:44 PM
statistically, 75% of married men and 50% of married women cheat. Non married couples? They often just break up rather than cheat, but I imagine it still goes on a lot. Relationships are complex and most people can't control themselves very well. Some people need variety. Other's need freedom. In many cultures polygamy is normal. Historically, actually, committed fidelity is the aberation, not the norm. The key is to figure out what you need, but also how you put pressure on. It is not to say that the cheat is your fault, just that maybe he needs something from you that he gets, and needs other things you can't give, or he doesn't know how to ask for. All these things take years to figure out.

Finally, in asking, do you stay or do you move on, the question to really ask is, can you use this to develop greater intimacy and vulnerability between the two of you or is it just a matter of two rigid people whose usefulness to each other has come to an end?
Joined: 7/14/2009
Msg: 1296
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/27/2009 5:38:23 PM
When posting statistics, please list your credible source. Because we all know about statistics.
Joined: 6/2/2008
Msg: 1297
view profile
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/27/2009 5:40:39 PM
I am living proof that cheating doesn't mean the end of a relationship. I cheated on my then b/f, now husband and he caught me dead to rights. I confessed everything and we have been happily married for almost 10 years (we have been together for 17 years). You have to be a really strong person to forgive. He did say if I had lied, he would have left me. It was the fact that I told him the truth that we are still together today --- and the truth shall set you free.

We now have an open marriage and the most honest relationship I have ever had. Have the same deal with my FWB --- he knows if I see anyone new.

Might not work for everyone, but it did for me.
Joined: 6/26/2009
Msg: 1298
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/27/2009 5:51:24 PM
wow, i came into this one late in the game! just discovered the forums & have spent i dont know how long reading this thread! this has been a tough one for me. i was in what i thought was a forever-relationship, of course, ended up being cheated on. i forgave & on we went. then i found out that whenever he got ticked off at anything, or just got bored & wanted a little variety, he put up profiles on sites like pof (thats actually how i ended up discovering pof in the first place!)
so then came the question of exactly what is considered cheating? should i consider him cheating because he went on singles sites, looking for someone else, talking to women, taking them out to dinner or lunch.....beyond that i dont know if it went any further. it was always the same old story....every 6-8 months, i'd find him on some site, let him know he was busted & things would go back to ok for the time being. why i put up with it for so long, i dont know. but after 4 1/2 years, i said forget it & went my own way. now for the kicker, after almost a year apart, he started sending me messages, asking me if we could try again, make it work this time, etc, etc.....& yep, i thought he'd really learned something important during the time we were apart. YET.....he still has a profile on here & has started ignoring my calls or messages after only trying to do this for a couple of months. ive been going round & round for the past few weeks wondering if i was being stupid & gullible again.
like i said, i've read all 50-something pages of this thread & i'm sitting here thinking.....what was i thinking???? i could have avoided years of pain & tears if i had just walked the first time it happened & maybe even found someone amazing during those years. instead, i thought i could forgive & forget. i couldnt....i may have forgiven (too many times) but i never forgot, & learned the hard way, once a cheater, always a cheater!

Joined: 5/28/2009
Msg: 1299
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/27/2009 5:53:49 PM
It depends on whom and why.
Joined: 1/17/2009
Msg: 1300
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/27/2009 6:38:38 PM
Ok, this is splitting hairs.

Forgive yes. Because when you are angry with someone, it really doesn't hurt the other person. It hurts you. Anger, hatred, fear, insecurities..these things eat away at hearts and leave scars.

So can you forgive someone for cheating, yes, and you owe it to yourself to forgive.

Now FORGET - that is a differnt story. When you are in a relationship with someone you value, there is an assumption of honor. When someone performs action that is not honorable, well, actions say something. We are defined by the choices we make in our lives, yes?

I would not forget. And the love and esteem I hold for mysef would not allow me to take back a lover who was dishonest with me, and did not respect my trust once given.

think about it, and no matter which way you go..may the sun shine on you.
Joined: 1/25/2009
Msg: 1301
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/27/2009 7:02:17 PM
You know the saying, "Once a cheater, always a cheater"....That was said by someone I'm sure that forgave their SOs cheating ways. And like a puppy dog/child/kitten if you allow bad behavior it will continue. IF he/she cheats on you ONE TIME, it's time to teach them a lesson and move on...chances are that he/she will not cheat again! There's always an exception to every rule and you can't teach an old dog new tricks but you can teach them right from wrong!
Joined: 4/12/2009
Msg: 1302
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 7/27/2009 7:53:35 PM
why would you want to forgive someone for disrespecting you like that.... dont
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 1303
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 8/13/2009 5:54:02 PM

Well, that's the whole thing. I don't mean to preach but you are still young. One day if your lucky you'll meet someone and in a sense you will be joined at the hip. You won't want to go out getting drunk without them. You won't want to go anywhere without them, nor they without you. You get invited somewhere and the first thought that comes to your mind is " can they come too ? " People in love don't cheat because they don't want to. There isn't anybody else they want to do it with. The whole idea of the other person cheating would actually be funny. You'd actually say, " You thought that person could do you better than me? " , and you'd laugh about it. And it'd be true. People in love are drawn together like gravity, like invisible strings. You wake up at midnight after great sex and it dawns on you that you have spent the whole day in that other persons company, without noticing it until just now. Between people in love. Cheating is totaly beside the point. Almost a rediculous idea.


 Hopeles Romantic
Joined: 5/20/2009
Msg: 1304
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 8/13/2009 5:57:42 PM
Can I forgive? Yes. I would like to think I'm a forgiving man. Can I ever trust again or stay in that relationship? Simply put, NO.
Joined: 1/31/2009
Msg: 1305
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 8/13/2009 6:20:26 PM
My experience in cheating and betrayal has been this.... (get ready for a long one)

My ex-boyfriend of 2 years had cheated on me and left me for another girl. I was not aware he had a new girlfriend. He was also telling me he wanted to get back together and so him and I were still "getting together" after it ended. Then I found out about this.... So... long story short... He was cheating on me with her....then cheating on her with me.... and neither of us realized it. It's hard to not forgive and forget because your heart is so involved and you can't imagine not having them in your life. I have never seen someone lie SO easily in my entire life and that hurt. In my case I refused to give him another chance when he asked me to get back together, and even though the transition to single life was hard to deal with I don't regret it for a second.

I also think that it's not impossible to make a mistake and change... I'm thinking... Steve from the Sex and the City movie... (lol....) But... for me I could never trust someone who did that to me unless they told me about it, told me everything...and didn't try to hide it. It's not so much the act that I couldn't's the deceit.

Hope this helped.
Joined: 3/6/2009
Msg: 1306
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 8/13/2009 6:26:44 PM
a cheater is always a cheater
Joined: 7/31/2009
Msg: 1307
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 8/13/2009 6:40:13 PM
as a single woman: no. there will never be an acceptable excuse for lying to me, betraying my trust, being disloyal, and wasting my time. if you decide to step out on me then stay there because you can't come back.

I also feel that men/women that forgive cheaters and take them back are usually showing the guy/girl 'hey it's okay! you know you can always come back if your sob story is good enough!'
Joined: 3/16/2009
Msg: 1308
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 8/13/2009 6:41:53 PM
This is an old post, but i want to add something in it. When i first started dating my ex, i didnt want to be his"girlfriend" tho we had a sexual relationship. I was married for over 18yrs and my husband had passed away. I never once cheated on him. I married younge and was ready to go out met people and have fun. So when i was with my ex i told him point blank i was just with him. He called it cheating. I didnt. When i was ready to be with just him, and we talked about it i never ever slept with another man again. We did get married, which yahhhhhhh he ended up in drugs and drinking which i ended the relationship. SO he in his mind thought i was "cheating' so i did stop once i just wantd to be with him and never did when we were married.
Joined: 7/28/2009
Msg: 1309
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 8/13/2009 6:44:06 PM
I can and I have when I was married.
Joined: 6/14/2009
Msg: 1310
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 8/13/2009 6:47:01 PM
Excuse my French, f-ing way. I would not willingly subject myself to someone who would take away my comfort level, my sense of security and sense of attractiveness as a woman. My opinion of the cheater would change so drastically there's no way I could forgive and forget. I'd like to think we're not animals and have some control over our impulses. I can understand feeling tempted, but to actually go through with an act that could potentially crush someone's self esteem is the height of selfishness and I just don't think I could get past that. I haven't had this happen to me (that I know of), but it happened to someone who meant the world to me and I'll never forget the pain he went through. Still brings tears to my eyes to this day when I think of it.
Joined: 2/3/2009
Msg: 1311
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 8/13/2009 7:19:06 PM
Some old sayings are old because the have stood the test of time.
I have learned to forgive because it is essential to my mental, emotional and spiritual well being. The anger and animosity that comes with ' not forgiving ' tears at everything. It tears at everything from the inside out. It is like a cancer that will eat you alive from inside. Sometimes to the point where, for some, death is preferable.
It is preferable only because you believe the hurt of betrayal and abandonment will never go away.
I don't feel these things anymore, because I have learned to forgive.
I need the reference of the things that have happened so that I am wise enough for it not to happen again.
Recently, someone I cared for very much did not honor her words. I don't think she knows that there were lies of omission ( lies non the less ) that I knew of. Maybe she did, maybe not.
Saying you will call someone and not calling, is one thing.
Being on line at that time you said you would call is another.
Telling someone the next day " I'm sorry I didn't call. I fell asleep."
Is a different animal and it is ugly and should be extinct ( the act not the person ).
So I said nothing and let it drift apart, then gave her the out that " We don't seam to be working out." She agreed, and so it goes.
But I too continue, because I can forgive...but I will not ....FORGET.

It is nice to have a choice.
Joined: 11/25/2004
Msg: 1312
view profile
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 8/13/2009 8:19:07 PM
I will never forgive if it is intetional.....why?
Joined: 2/3/2009
Msg: 1313
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 8/14/2009 10:55:47 AM

I will never forgive if it is intetional.....why?

Cheating by its happening IS INTENTIONAL ! ! ! ! !
There are some other choice words I could pick to your response.
I don't think you would get it anyway.
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