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 ksue44
Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 162
Cheating- can you forgive?Page 4 of 59    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41)
Cheating, can I forgive? Possibly, but the question is can I forget? Let's put it this way, I'm not happy if a guy cheats on me. I've been there... As the ol saying goes "if Mama ain't happy, no one's going to be happy"... I'd probably kick him to the curb because for me, cheating, stealing, and lying is a deal breaker.
 lildevildilly
Joined: 7/10/2005
Msg: 166
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History
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 2/11/2006 10:08:44 PM
once a cheater always a cheater
 latina_loca1
Joined: 1/4/2006
Msg: 167
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 2/21/2006 4:39:02 AM
why bother to forgive? Wish them well and move on to someone else yourself.
 chula210
Joined: 12/11/2005
Msg: 173
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 2/21/2006 11:57:49 AM
girl, once a cheater is always a cheater. if u try and make it work its not ur just wasting ur time, cuz then ur gonna lose ur trust against that person. u can't trust him anymore. so no u can't forgive him its never gonna work ur just gonna have more problems
 jumpypants
Joined: 2/20/2006
Msg: 174
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 2/21/2006 11:58:03 AM
I have to agree in general that cheating = immediate end.

But in the end it always comes down to the situation. I have enough respect for my current SO that if she ever did cheat, she would have a good reason.

People can go through some strange phases, part of being human. If I actually understood her motives - and more importantly, believed it were not to be repeated for the same reasons, to some extent, it is "just sex".

But yes, it would suck and hurt me - but pain is part of life as much as joy.
 akaclayhead
Joined: 1/12/2006
Msg: 175
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 2/21/2006 3:20:45 PM
Although I agree with you and have always considered my feeling to mimic the once a cheater always a cheater thing. I find myself asking? Well how did you find out? Did he confess. Was he sorry? I think in a marriage it might be different but if you don't have that commitment is it really cheating? Devil's advocate here. Just asking don't shoot the messanger.
 DnickieD
Joined: 5/30/2005
Msg: 176
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Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 2/21/2006 3:39:31 PM
Absolutely forgive them, but once the trust and respect has been lost in a relationship, then the relationship is gone, finished....kaput. I have forgiven my cheaters, but it destroyed the relationship completely. I agree that it makes one feel that somehow you failed them. Trust and respect are earned, and if someone throws it away, then their priorities aren't with you and your relationship whatsoever. Time to move on, though it's extremely difficult to do. I did it, when my son was a mere 3 months old and raised him alone, because his father's priorities were in picking up whatever he wanted and doing them in my home, in my bed while I was working. I could not deal with his indescretions and made him leave us.
 mogrl
Joined: 5/29/2005
Msg: 183
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 5/5/2006 6:39:34 AM
Speaking from experience i think you should stick to what you have always believed.I know lots of married guys that cheat on thier wifes and yet they still convince them that they are faithful.So yes once a cheater always a cheater no matter what he says and how sorry he is.You can count on it happening again.They just get better at doing it and at ways to hide it.That`s just my opinion .
 Leeanne
Joined: 10/14/2005
Msg: 184
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Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 5/5/2006 6:45:00 AM
I can forgive but I can't forget - the pain is too deep, very deep.
I do forgive because it's not in me to harbour ill feelings towards anyone, especially if you love them.
 JerryInTampa
Joined: 9/28/2004
Msg: 186
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Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 5/5/2006 8:01:34 AM
Personally, I don't believe I can.

It's not that I cannot forgive the cheating: It's that the trust cannot reasonably be repaired. I cannot be with someone I cannot trust. Further, the reprocussions from the event itself take longer to heal than the relationship is likely to survive.
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 188
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Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 5/5/2006 2:31:40 PM

(OP) I've always been a firm believer of once a cheater always a cheater and I always vowed that no matter what if anyone ever cheated on me I would kick them to the curb, but it changes once you actually experience it first hand.


That is what I have found out from others. Many say they would throw their partner to the curb but reality is somewhat different.

Marriage, children, a long term relationship, still loving the person.....in many cases it's not desirable to dissolve a relationship because of an affair.

Unless we meet a virgin that person has had sex with someone else before us. Maybe a year before or a week before. Who's to say? If the person is sexually clean we don't really want to know who they had sex with. It doesn't matter to us.

While we would all perfer our partner to be faithful I feel the one time affair is blown out of porportion. A one night stand has nothing to do with loving that person or not loving one's partner. It seldom has anything to do with wanting to end their current relationship.

I feel people read way too much into a one time affair. In most cases it's just sex. I doubt there are many who deliberately have an affair in order to hurt their partner. The forgiving of an affair has to do more with the reason someone had an affair, IMO.
 sayonara7
Joined: 3/13/2006
Msg: 189
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 5/5/2006 2:32:46 PM
Nope.....I'm not a very forgiving person.
 a_sweet_fishy
Joined: 3/11/2006
Msg: 191
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 5/5/2006 2:44:05 PM
Well, I always said I could never forgive a cheater. My husband cheated while I was recovering form the birth of our youngest child. I forgave him. No one can ever forget. I am also now in an open marriage. I love him dearly and I don't want to leave him, but I really do not think I would have wanted this open marriage if he had never cheated. I can't be 100% sure of that since we are forced to live 1,000 miles apart, but I think it would have been less likely. It will always be there for the rest of my life. I honestly think staying together or not depends on how willing you are to keep that wound open forever and live with it.

 Who Knows_28
Joined: 8/29/2006
Msg: 195
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 12/12/2006 7:43:18 PM
NO...back to the pond
 SexyScorpion
Joined: 7/10/2006
Msg: 196
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 12/12/2006 7:59:38 PM
You are right, once a cheater, always a cheater. The trust can never be earned back in my opinion. If they didn't care enough to be faithful then they aren't worth it.
 Miss Cherie Dior
Joined: 11/1/2006
Msg: 197
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 12/12/2006 8:38:46 PM
Oh No! Cheating is cheating! And that is right, Once a cheater, always a cheater... If someone loves you they will not cheat on you and thats that! Kick him out of your heart and I know it is easier said than done, but you will find that everyday gets easier....

Hugs!
 Adwatcher
Joined: 11/20/2006
Msg: 199
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 12/12/2006 9:40:55 PM
I lived with a cybercheater who cheated in real life. I have no idea but can only speculate how many girls he picked up online and then met for coffee etc. in person and then went to their home. I know b/c they told me after the fact. In fact, I just broke up with a guy with an online profile here on POF, if anyone wants to know, esp the girls on here, just ask me. He was really smooth, I didn't know anything.

Even though 3 years ago the same exact thing happened only with lavalife: I took him back with a promise of anger management counselling, couples counselling, with an emphasis on why he cheated. He trolled the online ads and chatrooms and had no problem "hooking up" with girls online and in person. I broke up with him after I started getting strange explanations about 2 months ago as to why he was out late, overnight sometimes. It varied between guys poker nights to a friend with cancer and he was on the emergency call list and had to care for "her".

Cheating and lying go hand in hand, if he's not straight with you (and I was an investigator no less, I should have been able to tell, but again, he was smooth!) then he's not quality material. My regret is that I spent most of my 30's with this guy engaged and stepmom to his son for 7 years. I made the decision to live alone (I have the two dogs now) and I am safer for it. Yes, there were physical violence problems as well, the police were called a few times, and I was not the only girl like this. I think the pressure of living a double life was too much and even though he begged me to stay in the relationship, I'd had enough of the lies and my low self esteem wasn't getting any better.

In the end, I feel raped to put it bluntly. I'm going for my AIDS test along with all the other tests so I can have a bit of piece of mind because he put his needs before my health and safety. So everyone, be careful of guys who never take you to their place, even if they say they live with their mother/father; get to know their whole life and getting rid of the computer really isn't practical, but if they stay on an unreasonable amount of time and are trying to hide their activities on it, you will be able to tell. Trust your gut feeling, your women's intuition b/c it's usually right.

I made a longterm investment in something that didn't pan out and I would hate for anyone else to be lied to and cheated on. I know I'll think of some other "shoulds" later, but another main one that I didn't do is: don't lend them money, even if they tell you they'll pay you back, I know this firsthand b/c I signed loans and loaned from my own accounts to the tune of almost $ 30,000 and I'm stuck with it now. If someone doesn't seem to be who they say they are; if it seems too good to be true, then it isn't. We all want the rose colored glasses and to enjoy life with someone who seems adventurous and attentive and caring, but when it's used to manipulate and push your buttons up and down, it's only going to end in heartache.

I know because I still cry over my poor judgement and how I've ended up in this. But, I'm trying to make my stint on here a good thing, something positive out of discovering a negative, so I still have hope, but I'll have a serving of judgement on the side, no two ways about it. To Love and Honour, I still believe.
 Kindheart34
Joined: 11/17/2006
Msg: 201
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 12/12/2006 10:23:06 PM
I can never forgive a cheater and have left a woman of 8yrs when I caught her. All trust is gone and the intimacy is the part of a relatioinship that is to be private and special between each other. If they want someone else then they should just end the relationship and move on. It doesn't matter what the reason as you had the choice to say yes or no. Some things are just not forgivable in a relationship. Just my two cents on this topic. Have a good day all...
 bryan45656
Joined: 12/2/2006
Msg: 202
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 12/13/2006 8:36:52 PM
i have been in this situation being i am a 38 year old so i say it is not worth trying to work it out i would say move on and find a guy who will be faithful because if they cheated once they will do it again. I think it is wrong to try to change them they do not want to be changed. So move on to someone who will be trustworth to you. because everytime you are apart you will be wondering if they are out cheating on you and usually they probably are.
 cindy1974ontario
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 203
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 12/13/2006 9:15:02 PM
I have been cheated on. I was emotionally crushed by it. Cheating is a terrible betrayal.

Partly I don't understand it because I can never imagine doing that to a boyfriend/husband.

There is something to be said for being forgiving. Cheating makes a fine mess, but the right people with the right attitude may be able to move past it. It would be hard but sometimes maybe a relationship is worth it.

In my case...he never asked for forgiveness. So, I really didn't have to think about it.
 cbot007
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 204
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Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 12/13/2006 9:18:28 PM
sure you can forgive...and actually you have to! you will feel like a great burden has been lifted off your back..............oh and yea of course forgive them after you ve left or tossed them to the curb.....somethings in life one gets one chance, and if they blow it they blow it . a cheater is most likely so self centered and selfish that they make for bad partners.....well then by the term patner would mean 50/50 and the self-centered one doesnt play by those rules......get out and forgive... you will be the better person...was time and energy wasted maybe but ya just gained a harvard education on life.
 1-of-a-kind
Joined: 10/24/2006
Msg: 205
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 12/13/2006 10:00:17 PM
My ex cheated on me. It was a 10 year relationship. I eventully forgave, never forgot. Even now he's my ex and it's still not forgotten. I guess it may be one of the contributing factors to him being my ex.
 *Illsa
Joined: 10/10/2006
Msg: 206
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 12/13/2006 10:25:01 PM
You may be able to forgive in time, but don't go back for more...no matter how they beg and say they are sorry and it will never happen again...it will...and this betrayal takes something away from you that can never be replaced...your innocent trust.

Off with their heads!
 Nightcowboy
Joined: 10/8/2006
Msg: 207
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 12/13/2006 10:57:27 PM
Not surprising the female posts I read all said leave him and we wonder why marriages only last 4 years on average now a days.In the past when I was young I cheated and twice I had women cheat on me.Everyone talks about what to do after the fact when people should be asking WHY it happened in the first place.Back around 93 I had a Gf that wasn't giving me enough sex or the nasty type I wanted at the time.I told her I have needs but it didn't matter and when I tried to leave her she wouldn't accept it.Eventually I cheated then she finally left but I wasn't happy either way.Today I would never do it now.I'd leave her first then move onto someone else first.But I know in my heart if I was really in love or married there would be no way in hell I would do it.I couldn't go home and look the woman I love in the eye without crying and the guilt would be too much for me.If she was a good woman she'd forgive me and stay with me cause she would be loyal.But since few women are like that anymore I'm sure she'd leave so getting some ass on the side wouldn't be worth what I'd lose.While I was away in the army my high school sweet heart cheated on me.I see it as disloyal but I was never there sometimes for over 7 months at a time looking back now I have no ill will towards her some women need a man around lot.Then I was in love with this sweet german girl that left me for a dope smoking long haired musician cause I was too clean cut and boring.In the end he knocked her up,beat the hell out of her and dumped her and I said forget it when she tried to come back.There are reasons for why people cheat just cause you don't think they are good enough doesn't mean they aren't valid to another.Don't give your man or lady a reason to cheat in the first place and they likely won't.
 Macaria
Joined: 11/29/2006
Msg: 208
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 12/13/2006 11:04:47 PM
My firm belief if that if someone cheats they are not committed to the person they are with. Something is lacking in the relationship, but the issue should be addressed and worked out if possible. I believe that once a cheater, always a cheater. Kick him to the curb, if he does it again you are only going to kick your own ass later.
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