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 Lanie Grace
Joined: 10/22/2005
Msg: 130
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Cheating- can you forgive?Page 4 of 59    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41)
_not reading all other responses before responding to OP_

Yes but....

I don't think there's one easy answer. I don't think it's as simple as "Once a cheater always a cheater."

People make mistakes. People make hideous stupid mistakes that hurt other people in ways neither could have realized.

It's the age old question: Would you rather he have meaningless sex with a prostitute or never have sex with another woman he feels he is in love with? There's rarely an easy answer to that one, too.

Was he upfront and honest if even after the fact? Were you in a rough patch? Do you really care that much about him to try to work past it?

It is a breach of trust. That does take work. You may both do the work and realize you're simply not that vested in the relationship. You may also, however, cut him out of your life completely for being imperfect then regret it for all his other wonderful attributes.

It's not a matter of if other people can forgive if someone cheats. It's a matter of if you can forgive that he cheated under your circumstances in your situation and having the relationship that you do.

best of luck.
 lifebegood
Joined: 1/30/2006
Msg: 131
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 1/30/2006 9:26:04 PM
I apolozie. I haven't read all of the posts but did read lanies which I'm replying to:

I agree...

I believe every situation must be taken into account on an individual basis. Was this cheating episode a 1-time thing or is there a track record with this person? Was the cheater up-front and honest with you, or did you find out in a lie (or through many of them), or did you find out through a friend, co-worker? Were there any influences: booze, drugs, etc that helped to facilitate this? How does this cheating fit the person's character...meaning if the person who was cheated on went and told anyone, a friend, a co-worker, etc. that their partner cheated, how would that person react? If they give you a "oh my God" shocked looked, chances are, this 1-time cheat was a very stupid thing that probably won't happen again, escpecially if the person who cheated remosefully and genuinely admitted to it and accepted it fully as their own wrong-doing. We are all human and we are not perfect. Sometimes given the right life ingredients (emotions, booze, low self-esteem, not getting needs met, etc., etc), that get mixed together at the right point of time; a person can do a very stupid thing such as cheating or anything else for that matter. It doesn't mean they'll do it again. It doesn't mean they're a bad person. Hopefully they will have learned from their mistake and won't repeat it again. If they do commit it again, now we're talking about another problem. Yes, so many things that can come into play.

And for cheating, yes, a trust is definitely broken, but it can be repaired. And most likely if it was a 1-time cheating event, many of the underlying reasons within the relationship will brought up to the surface that are stemming from both sides, which can then be addressed through counseling. There are relationships that grow stronger (after cheating has been committed), if both people can accept, forgive, let go and move forward to learn from what mistakes were made or from needs / wants are not being met. This is easier said than done, but it can and does happen. Bad things (which vary in degree) along with the good happen in a relationship, which lanie pointed out might just be a bad patch that can be resolved.

Just my humble opinion...
 lifebegood
Joined: 1/30/2006
Msg: 136
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 1/31/2006 5:41:46 AM
"Can you forgive a cheater? "

Yes. I have forgiven, only through acceptance and forgiveness for myself to allow myself to be set free; otherwise, if I did not accept and forgive, I would still be holding it and I would be tied to it, which in turn, it would be controlling my life and emotions.. Holding anger, resentment and being stuck in the past within yourself is not healthly and will only negatively impact you and a future person that walks into your life.

"Yes... only after a good beating"

Sure, that's really going to resolve it... I don't think so.


But really the answer is NO !
How can you mend a broken glass?

I don't agree with applying this analagy and your answer. Most anything is possible if a person is willing to accept and let go.

Cheers!
 lifebegood
Joined: 1/30/2006
Msg: 139
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 1/31/2006 6:21:28 AM
I feel trust can be re-built overtime, if a person is willing to internally accept what has happened, deal with it, resolve it and move on, providing you still want to remain in the relationship.

Yes, if "he" repeately broke your trust, then time to forgive and move on to another person (don't want to carry trust issues into the next relationship, not a good thing)...the trust will not get rebuilt because it keeps getting knocked down; otherwise, if it's a one time cheat that was a very stupid mistake on his behalf, then there is probably a good chance trust can be re-built, if both people are willing to take the hard road of working on re-building the trust along with at the same time working on all of the other relationship issues that led up to it. Guess it's one of those all depends scenarios...

Cheers!~
 capilano flower
Joined: 1/31/2006
Msg: 140
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 1/31/2006 7:11:42 PM
well i went through that for the first time too i knew it about a year before i had the proof he cheated on me. How did you find out he cheated? if you caught him redhanded cheating how can you be sure he wont do it again you will always have doubts. I gave the guy i was with a chance to come clean, he never did i think that if he admited he cheated we might have been able to work things out.
 theirishlalor
Joined: 1/5/2006
Msg: 146
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Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 1/31/2006 9:51:45 PM
You can never forgive a cheater because they will do it again.
 Gangrel_in_london
Joined: 9/24/2004
Msg: 148
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 1/31/2006 10:58:50 PM
Josie, No. Having said that, let me justify my stance.

I've been married, and in this position before...twice. They simply couldn't keep a penny between their knees during a marriage to save their own soul. This might be the worst case scenerio, granted, but when your mate actually sits on your lap and asks you for permission to continue until it's "out of their system" is asking a bit much.

"Once a cheater always a cheater" -->only holds until they grow up<--. I'm sure that stance is going to pi$$ a few people off here, but I'm also sure that they have never been tempted during a relationship (right? Well? Anyone? Anyone? Beuller? Beuller?). You'll excuse me if I don't buy it. OF COURSE we've all been tempted. But two things seperate us from the lower life forms...

1.) We use cuttlery.
2.) We are capable of controlling our sexual urges.

The fact is that more opprotunity comes from a group of people wanting spouses of their own. Having a spouse (either by marriage or mutual understanding) defaults you into this group. It's really quite simple, and I'm sure most men have heard this in one form or another: "Once you get her, the rest come crawling." You can change the sexual bias as needed.

The odds of them somehow getting the superhuman strength in order to change in time to save the current relationship is nil. People don't learn that way. They learn by doing, and once he loses you, he'll (possibly) learn that if he cheats he will lose. Maybe not. That's up to him, not you. Which brings me to my next point.

Leave, or make him leave. It's over. There is nothing you can say or do that will change the fact that he held the relationship in low regard, and his own learning if you continue to try is that it is ok to do so.

To put it simply:

He will continue if you do.

Regards,
~W.S.
 OnTheBus
Joined: 9/12/2004
Msg: 150
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 2/1/2006 5:52:00 AM
you are too sweet

Flattery will get you halfway there. Bring me some stout from Ireland
 aegean_odyssey
Joined: 10/12/2005
Msg: 151
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Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 2/7/2006 2:48:48 PM
on the surface,,, I wish I (we) could open the door for forgiveness Yea the 2nd chance---

However after reading many posts it seems consensus is NO--
once a cheater always a cheater ---- that may be VERY TRUE

I would try to look at the situation as a whole and see if there could be any reason--
(I know that this opens a Pandora's Box -- and no offense to anyone)
sometimes the situation may have more to it ---

Also what is the Status,, Married, Engaged, Dating commitment?
are you living together?
so many factors ==

in the end my wise words of wisdom are:
he probably cheated before and this is the first time you caught him
and if you give him the chance he will probably do you dirty again !
kick him to the curb and get tested for STD.. he probably is not SAFE

more from the 2cents zone,,,,
Most probably IF a woman cheated on me I would never take her back-
without being overly graphic I do not want where she has been anywhere near my bed!
 njcutie72
Joined: 1/30/2006
Msg: 154
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 2/8/2006 11:48:49 AM
uh uh, no way. no how.
 Darklights
Joined: 12/22/2005
Msg: 155
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 2/8/2006 12:22:53 PM
Sure I can forgive 'em, but that doesn't mean I won't be holding that door open on their way out.
Forgive them, then tell them got get the hell out!
 Moving soon
Joined: 4/7/2005
Msg: 157
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 2/8/2006 11:24:59 PM
You can but it isn't worth it. I just got out of a 9 month relationship with a "young girl" She is 20. I caught her because she was on the net showing me some psychology homework she was doing and some kid from down the road sent her an IM that asked when they would get together again. Kinda pissed me off, nut then later I got looking in her message archive and it was all there. I tried to forgive her and we stayed together right up until the day I caught her in the apartment we shared with my best friend. Once a whore always a whore.
 chrishall1967
Joined: 2/5/2006
Msg: 161
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 2/11/2006 9:06:39 PM
I've been through this before and it's not easy but you need to forgive according to the word of God you must forgive in order to be forgiven.The answer to your question is yes if your not married I'd say there is a possibility that he may do it again,and that is a sad reallity but true.hope this helped you some I'm sorry it Happend to you. Chris
 ksue44
Joined: 6/20/2005
Msg: 162
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 2/11/2006 9:10:23 PM
Cheating, can I forgive? Possibly, but the question is can I forget? Let's put it this way, I'm not happy if a guy cheats on me. I've been there... As the ol saying goes "if Mama ain't happy, no one's going to be happy"... I'd probably kick him to the curb because for me, cheating, stealing, and lying is a deal breaker.
 PixelJockey
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 165
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Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 2/11/2006 9:55:02 PM
I don't think you can ever really forgive.


Perhaps, but I have found that, if it was a once-only thing, a person can eventually make his or her peace with it (to his or herself) and then try to repair the damage, but only in that order; first you, then with him or her. Even then it will hang over the relationship like a cloud for a very long time. Eventually though, it does heal, if you and your s/o let it. There are no hard and fast rules, given that the reasons are rather wide and variable.

It's the second time you find the spouse cheating that breaks the deal entirely, IMHO.

I finally forgave her for that once the divorce decree was final - and it became some future guy's problem.

If you're not married? Depends on how well and closely tied you are with the person, and what the circumstances are, but it seems like a much better time to break it off on the first incident than to have to make that decision when there's a mortgage company, kids, lawyers, and families involved.
 lildevildilly
Joined: 7/10/2005
Msg: 166
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Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 2/11/2006 10:08:44 PM
once a cheater always a cheater
 latina_loca1
Joined: 1/4/2006
Msg: 167
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 2/21/2006 4:39:02 AM
why bother to forgive? Wish them well and move on to someone else yourself.
 chula210
Joined: 12/11/2005
Msg: 173
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 2/21/2006 11:57:49 AM
girl, once a cheater is always a cheater. if u try and make it work its not ur just wasting ur time, cuz then ur gonna lose ur trust against that person. u can't trust him anymore. so no u can't forgive him its never gonna work ur just gonna have more problems
 jumpypants
Joined: 2/20/2006
Msg: 174
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 2/21/2006 11:58:03 AM
I have to agree in general that cheating = immediate end.

But in the end it always comes down to the situation. I have enough respect for my current SO that if she ever did cheat, she would have a good reason.

People can go through some strange phases, part of being human. If I actually understood her motives - and more importantly, believed it were not to be repeated for the same reasons, to some extent, it is "just sex".

But yes, it would suck and hurt me - but pain is part of life as much as joy.
 akaclayhead
Joined: 1/12/2006
Msg: 175
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 2/21/2006 3:20:45 PM
Although I agree with you and have always considered my feeling to mimic the once a cheater always a cheater thing. I find myself asking? Well how did you find out? Did he confess. Was he sorry? I think in a marriage it might be different but if you don't have that commitment is it really cheating? Devil's advocate here. Just asking don't shoot the messanger.
 DnickieD
Joined: 5/30/2005
Msg: 176
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Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 2/21/2006 3:39:31 PM
Absolutely forgive them, but once the trust and respect has been lost in a relationship, then the relationship is gone, finished....kaput. I have forgiven my cheaters, but it destroyed the relationship completely. I agree that it makes one feel that somehow you failed them. Trust and respect are earned, and if someone throws it away, then their priorities aren't with you and your relationship whatsoever. Time to move on, though it's extremely difficult to do. I did it, when my son was a mere 3 months old and raised him alone, because his father's priorities were in picking up whatever he wanted and doing them in my home, in my bed while I was working. I could not deal with his indescretions and made him leave us.
 lonelywon
Joined: 1/19/2006
Msg: 178
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Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 2/21/2006 4:01:50 PM
I am in somewhat of the same situation. After you find out your partner has cheated and the initial shock, devastation, and anger deminishes, what then? Isn't forgiveness part of real love? Can't a relationship get stronger by looking past a mistake and moving forward? or once a loved one has been unfaithful it's simply the ultimate betrayal and sin, and there simply will never be any hope for a future together, once that trust has been broken?

I go back and forth considering what is the right way to react to infidelity and if the relationship is worth another chance.....
 mogrl
Joined: 5/29/2005
Msg: 183
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 5/5/2006 6:39:34 AM
Speaking from experience i think you should stick to what you have always believed.I know lots of married guys that cheat on thier wifes and yet they still convince them that they are faithful.So yes once a cheater always a cheater no matter what he says and how sorry he is.You can count on it happening again.They just get better at doing it and at ways to hide it.That`s just my opinion .
 Leeanne
Joined: 10/14/2005
Msg: 184
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Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 5/5/2006 6:45:00 AM
I can forgive but I can't forget - the pain is too deep, very deep.
I do forgive because it's not in me to harbour ill feelings towards anyone, especially if you love them.
 JerryInTampa
Joined: 9/28/2004
Msg: 186
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Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 5/5/2006 8:01:34 AM
Personally, I don't believe I can.

It's not that I cannot forgive the cheating: It's that the trust cannot reasonably be repaired. I cannot be with someone I cannot trust. Further, the reprocussions from the event itself take longer to heal than the relationship is likely to survive.
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