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 scoobysnak
Joined: 4/23/2009
Msg: 1322
Cheating- can you forgive?Page 46 of 59    (19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59)
I know this is an older post but i thought i would just add my thoughts on the situation (not that it really matters) ...
Ive been cheated on in the past and after 4 years she cheated on me and it sucks to be cheated on. Your feelings are hurt and honestly theres no words to even describe it. Anyways we tried to work through it and did for another 3 years.... then it happend again. So this is the conclusion i came up with .... if someone has the audacity to cheat on you once, then they have the ability to do it again - that is a fact. You can and SHOULD forgive them... but the bottem line is you will never forget what they did to you. Things will never be the same and if you cant accept that, then definitly move on. If you think you can handle it, then your a better person then me ;)
anyways just my thoughts
 logs2bcut
Joined: 12/23/2006
Msg: 1323
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 9/15/2009 12:03:17 PM
anything can be forgiven, but forgotten? NOT HARDLY!!
 always_the_optimist
Joined: 8/7/2009
Msg: 1325
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 9/15/2009 12:22:39 PM
NO. I found out my ex boyfriend was cheating on me. I loved him and planned to marry him, but when I found out I broke up with him and never spoke to him again. If he'd cheat on me once, he'd do it again. If you are married and have kids it's worth working it out, but otherwise, it's not worth the heart ache.
 izblue
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 1326
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History
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 9/15/2009 12:37:31 PM
In my experience I cannot forgive. Everyone is different. According to God, we are supposed to forgive. Not forget, of course, who could _ unless one was knocked unconcious with a two by four and got amnesia.

My S2BXH cheated on my 3x. First time, I tried to forgive, we went to counseling, etc. etc., never to be done again, he said, then I stumbled on 2 more a few years later...pretty much back to back...found out about the 2 at the same time, even though one was 1 year long and then dumped, and another started about 2 weeks after that one. Weird. He must have a problem. I don't want it to be mine anymore. Too hurtful and embarrassing.

He says all 3 are "my" fault. Interesting. He says I was "too busy taking care of our children (3 within 5 years), working two part-time jobs, = more than a full-time one, doing housework/laundry/errands/food shopping/cooking (he did none of those..think he thought it was beneath him), and told me I didn't pay much attention to him except every other night in bed!!!??? And when we went away on vacations, alot by ourselves, and on many weekends, at least one per month..hmmm....interesting...no attention? I am confused.

Doesn't seem to be too remorseful, although, doesn't want to get divorced (afraid he will lose most of his money and possessions, I presume). Whatever....I'll have peace and quiet soon, thankfully.

I have done alot of reading on this subject. The stats that are in are: 70% of husbands cheat (don't know what the boyfriend rate is, I assume even higher), 60% of wives cheat (ditto on the girlfriend cheating ratio being more I pressume), and 2/3 of wives never find out that their husbands cheated!! Ever!!! That is pretty amazing...I think. (guess I am of the unlucky 1/3 to find out...you wonder...maybe ignorance is bliss).
 izblue
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 1327
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History
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 9/15/2009 12:54:42 PM
{When someone does that to you, it takes a toll on you emotionally and physically ... }

How very true "Curiosity27". "They" say that it cause PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). And also, that it is worse than being gang-raped. Horrible, right? Nice thing to have done to one by someone that is supposed to love you, never ever want to hurt you, and supposedly your best friend. You know the saying, with best friends like that, who needs enemies.

I think I must have gone into a grave depression or something after all I had stumbled upon in my scenario...don't know..whatever it was, it cause me to lose one of my jobs, lose 20 lbs (I already was "normal" weight, if not bit under, so, this was not good), and had absolutely no energy or vive to do anything with the children, house, friends or family. I eventually became so angry it was terrible...I was never an angry person...always happy go lucky type, with alot of energy. I actually called up the last two cunexttuesdays (don't want to curse!) and said calmly "hey, would you mind coming over and taking care of our 3 children, do the housework/laundry/errands/cooking/shopping/dog work, etc, while my H and I go out somewhere? They hung up on me, never to be heard from again. Interesting.
 ichi-bon
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 1328
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 9/15/2009 1:52:17 PM

I actually called up the last two cunexttuesdays (don't want to curse!) and said calmly "hey, would you mind coming over and taking care of our 3 children, do the housework/laundry/errands/cooking/shopping/dog work, etc, while my H and I go out somewhere? They hung up on me, never to be heard from again. Interesting

I love it.......good for you!!
\
In my first marriage my friend thought my ex was EVERYTHING......i think had a lot to do with the $$$$$$, as he had a bunch!!
However she kept coming down to ask him for help with different things, help with kids swingset, etc.
I walked out to the car after second time she came down. I told her." I have absolutely NO Problem with you wanting my husband.you can have him...but take his laundry with you.....and for Goodness' sake don't think you are gonna return him!!"
My husband was dumbfounded. He was actually helping her out because she was a
" friend" of mine and he thought he should because of me. She got all red in the face, peeled out and I never saw her again. I did hear from my other friends how cute she thought he was, that I was too goody two shoes, and he would get tired of me soon.
Well as it ended, I left him, but it had nothing to do with cheating.
 andy.pandy
Joined: 9/11/2009
Msg: 1329
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 9/15/2009 3:12:15 PM
i have been down this road befor trying to forgive and try to forget but it does not work the feeling goes way and then a few weeks later you will feel untrustworthy again towards them
in my case my ex was texting another guy and sending nude pics of her self its not psychical cheating but cheating none the less. maybe if we had kids id stick with it for them but we didnt . even if you had kids you would never be able to fully get over it
 ~Kyn~
Joined: 8/24/2009
Msg: 1330
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 9/15/2009 4:02:41 PM

Cheating- can you forgive?

My answer on this has always been No.
And to the best of my knowledge Ive never been cheated on.

Then after reading many of the fora... it made me reconsider my stance as Ive matured... Im older now supposedly wiser... so could I?
... could I forgive them? but thats not really what is the foundation to this is to me.

Could I forgive them? meh... doesnt really matter. I dont need to forgive someone to move through pain. Some people might have to... I dont.
I know what they did, they know it too... Ive "seen" what they are and thats enough for me.

Back to the age thing. At my age I dont believe there's any reason for it.
When we're young... people do stupid things... but in my 40s? No excuse for it.

Cheating tells me one of a few things about a person
1. their immaturity... meaning they're unable to resolve whatever the issue is with their partner without thinking they've got to reach elsewhere for it... and in someone elses bed isnt gonna give it to you... but will cause a sh*tload of other problems
2. or they simply are unwilling or unable to control themselves
3. or... they want out. And doing it that way... honestly... its just a cowards way and I have zero respect for cowards in any capacity and want nothing to do with them.

So after pondering my feelings on this for a loooooooong time... my answer is still No.
Not to the forgiveness... which as I stated is a moot point to me... but to giving them the opportunity to do it again.

There's more to it than just that.
If I dont love someone... I dont give a damn what they do... and if I do... I know cheating will stab me directly in the heart.
This is why many men (and women too)... get involved with somebody else so quickly during a breakup... its the ultimate act to hurt.
So for any of you out there who've been in the position.. you can keep in mind that its not about the other person and how great they are or what you're lacking... its all about hurting you... for no other reason than they can. Another immaturity issue.

I know myself well enough to know I will find it exceptionally difficult to not let my contempt for a person who did that to me reflect straight back at them.
And staying in a relationship with them will not let me heal... seeing the cause of my pain in my face every single day would just eat me up inside like a cancer.
Especially if they had the audacity to undermine the seriousness of what they'd done.
Cancerous feelings flow onto other aspects of our lives... our children... our other loved ones... just other people.
And I dont want other people to pay for the crime of one.

And regardless of whether they felt remorse for doing it or not... I dont wanna feel like that over a stupid thing they didnt have to do in the first place... and I dont wanna take it out on them either.

It took me many years to come to terms with the disgust I felt for my ex husband over what he did but more importantly it took many years for him to earn back the respect I gave him so freely to begin with... and he didnt even cheat.
He thought I had. I hadnt. He didnt trust me, he doubted me... and that stabbed me just as deeply.

I never asked for or expected any type of "penance" from him about it... it was just a process I went through as well as he.
I knew he was terribly sorry when he realized what he'd done by jumping to a conclusion... but it doesnt change the fact that he did... and what he did afterwards.
He inadvertently broke the foundations to our lives and our love.

You cant "fix" everything.

Ive matured... Im older now supposedly wiser... so could I?

I said my position hasnt changed... its still No.
The only difference now compared to when I was 20 years of age is... that its not just a "feeling"... I can articulate exactly why that is.
 Esperanza
Joined: 2/15/2009
Msg: 1331
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 9/15/2009 4:25:39 PM
I received a phone call saying that my ex-husband was cheating on me. I called him on his cell phone and yes he was cheating, He was caught. I think it was the phone call that did it not because of the quilt of cheating. As far as I know he didn't cheat until a few years later. He told me he was heading to a male friends house gave me a kiss and told me I Love You then drove over to his new girlfriend's house. After he left I had an uneasy feeling that I needed to check on him and drove by his male friends house and nope he wasn't there. We bowled that night and thought he might be there, he wasn't there either so I called his cell phone and was told he was in love with her and would be moving out after bowling. I was devastated and he showed up at the bowling alley with her in tow and being humiliated in public. I thought we had a good marriage together, we told each other we loved each other everyday and spent a lot of time together when I wasn't working. At that time I worked nights. When the Cat is away the Mice will play. After we separated I spoke to his first wife and he cheated on her many times. He was engaged a month later but it didn't last long and they broke up a month later and he called wanting to know if he could move back in with me. I couldn't have him move back in to make it easy for him, it wouldn't be easy for me having him living in the same house downstairs not having anything to do with me. Since that time I have forgiven him so I can move on with my life but I haven't forgotten.
 Jexma
Joined: 8/21/2008
Msg: 1332
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History
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 9/16/2009 1:36:40 AM
my past 3 relationships turned out to all be cheats. i tried to revive my last relationship when she cheated on me. and she only broke my heart a few weeks after that.

I'm actually in doubt of continuing dating because of it. take a year or 2 for myself.

But..
I'm Sorry.

Once a Cheater. Always a Cheater
 MoralStand
Joined: 9/14/2009
Msg: 1333
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 9/17/2009 4:22:58 PM
I haven't been cheated on but having a guy look at others like he is almost in love is embarrassing and ALSO like cheating...why don't they leave THEN...because how could they really care? I think those who forgive the worst kinds are not a whole lot better themselves. When I meet a guy I tell them bkuntly (when we start to get serious) tell me exactly the way you feel about this and this..etc...because I won'y be loving the REAL you if I don't know... and there are plenty of sluts for them to use so maybe they won't lie just to get more in time.
 ixshow_timexi
Joined: 9/11/2009
Msg: 1334
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Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 9/17/2009 4:41:11 PM
What's the use of forgiving if they will do it to you again?

Been there, done that...and it doesn't change.
 TedJMill
Joined: 7/6/2005
Msg: 1335
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Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 9/17/2009 6:29:31 PM
I think I would. I don't have that strong emotional reaction to the idea of being cheated on. If the rest of the relationship still works, the fact that she got sex elsewhere at some point wouldn't be that big a deal to me.
 haywiresue
Joined: 9/27/2006
Msg: 1336
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 9/17/2009 6:43:59 PM
I was cheated on by my first ex, and it took a long time for me to get over it. My ex wound up having a shotgun wedding to the woman he cheated on me with, and they are still together. I recently found out he was taken to court to pay for a child he help create when he cheated on his current wife. I really dont think cheaters ever loose their spots.

For me, I did eventually forgiven my ex, but I have never forgot what he did to me. I left when I found out he had cheated on me, as that was something I could not live with or put up with.

I attended his mothers funeral this year, as I thought she was a wonderful woman and I was sorry to learn of her death. It had been 30 years since I had last seen my ex and I needed to have his brother who I see regularily in business point him out to me after the funeral. It was funny because he did not recognize me either, and when his brother introduced us, he had a shocked look on his face. I think its safe to say that I have aged better than he has, but it was fun catching up. I hold no ill will or nasty wishes for him, but I would never believe anything that ever came out of his mouth, or put myself in a position where I would have to rely or trust him, as he proved himself unworthty to me. I had a wonderful time catching up to people I knew a lifetime ago, and I am not sorry in the least for leaving him.
 Sturgis_girl
Joined: 9/6/2009
Msg: 1338
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 9/17/2009 8:27:45 PM
ur right once a cheater will always be that way ive been through a 7 yr relationship like that fine someone who really cares for u if this guy really did care he would have done it and yes they will do it over and over they just get better of liying and being sneky
 Southernbelle1953
Joined: 8/19/2009
Msg: 1339
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History
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 10/5/2009 7:04:30 PM
U R RIGHT, ONCE A CHEATER ALWAYS A CHEATER, KICK HIM TO THE CURB AND GO FISHING AGAIN FOR A NON CHEATER. I KNOW, THEIR HARD TO FIND. HOPE UR CHEATER AINT THE PLAYER & LIAR FROM IOWA. HAVE A GREAT NIGHT & HAPPY FISHING.
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 1340
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 10/5/2009 7:11:29 PM
yes,
but trust comes later and much harder.
 InNCsearching
Joined: 7/22/2009
Msg: 1341
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 10/5/2009 7:21:45 PM
you can forgive and that's healthy but you'll never forget and once trust is broken...it's over.
 scottdehart
Joined: 6/5/2009
Msg: 1342
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Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 10/6/2009 5:46:32 AM
Like the song by Apocalyptica says, "I'm not Jesus, I will not forgive." Nor will I EVER forget.
 pittpa
Joined: 12/20/2008
Msg: 1343
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 10/6/2009 12:19:45 PM
please listen to this if you were married to this guy and he did cheat on you that means he's being stupid and ignorant and has no respect for you and he does not deserve to be forgiven but if it's was just a relationship that's very common and both men and women cheat
 Chitownguy40
Joined: 9/29/2009
Msg: 1344
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 10/6/2009 12:28:35 PM
No, you can't. Well, that's not quite true. A better way of saying it is no, you shouldn't. If monogamy is important to you, think of what you are telling a cheater if you forgive them. You're saying, "I'm weak. I have low self-esteem. I am so pathetic and desperate for your affection you can lie to me, sleep with other women, and I'll forgive you. " Are those the terms on which you want to conduct a relationship?
 ichi-bon
Joined: 3/30/2008
Msg: 1345
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 10/6/2009 2:30:23 PM

just a relationship

People with honor and integrity do NOT cheat because it is "just a relationship". With dating one cannot expect a person to be committed to that, but in a defined realtionship...I would think so. I would not be interested in being the " other party" if my SO were not on the same page
 GQSunset
Joined: 2/28/2009
Msg: 1346
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 10/6/2009 4:51:17 PM
You can forgive,

BUT you will NEVER forget.

RUN.
 FluffyBrain
Joined: 3/11/2007
Msg: 1347
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 10/6/2009 8:38:44 PM
Yeah, sure you can forgive. You can even be friends. Heck, you might even trust the person again at some point. ...But you'll never really respect that person again...and that's not an "uppity" or defensive statement. That's just plain fact. You'll just never view them as you used to. They seem off their pedestal all of a sudden and that's pretty well permanent. Makes logical sense, actually. How can you respect someone whose values just aren't there? Btw, people make excuses, rationalize, etc, but really boils down to lack of character. If you're under duress, you do the right thing...and that does not include cheating!
 Cindy A. S.
Joined: 9/3/2009
Msg: 1348
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 10/7/2009 5:03:07 PM
Once a cheater -always a cheater---- He hits you once_he will hit again.
There are men out there that do not cheat---not many--but I have been cheated on so many times and know you aren't to blame. I was a loving kind, worked at trying to be my best, he just loved to cheat.
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