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Joined: 1/15/2007
Msg: 488
Cheating- can you forgive?Page 5 of 59    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41)
well ive been cheated on quite a bit, (dont know why) but im a really trusting guy and ive forgiven it most times. if someone cheated cuz they were drunk or depressed or after a big fight or anything and they are actually sorry about it and tell me up front i can forgive them. If they try to hide it from me then i have a really hard time trusting that person again and even if i forgive them the relationship doesnt last much longer after that
Joined: 8/10/2004
Msg: 501
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 2/17/2007 8:21:23 PM
I don’t think I could get over their disrespect for me. Face it - they don’t actually love/respect you anymore.

I had some affairs toward the end of my first marriage (16 year marriage). They were all with married females. They all came to me. People can tell if your weak and seduceable. They can also tell (by your actions) when you do actually love your SO and are able to use that love to not cheat. Even if you are tempted - you pass because you respect your SO.
Joined: 8/30/2006
Msg: 515
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 2/19/2007 7:31:10 PM
No, I wouldn' over!
Joined: 11/26/2006
Msg: 516
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 2/21/2007 5:55:28 PM
This would be a big TILT... game over.

No circumstance would make me stay. Once this type of violation has occured to the relationship, there's no going back. Trust would be out the window and without trust in a relationship, it would be doomed no matter what.
Joined: 2/11/2007
Msg: 534
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 3/1/2007 1:20:51 PM
Unfortunately, when someone cheats, it is because that person lacks the ability to posess integrity, honesty and a sense of commitment and, is solely focused on themselves.
Damaged goods, I'm afraid.
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 542
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Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 3/2/2007 6:31:36 AM
Gardennut writes in msg 576,
I can't see my current partner and I degenerating into "platonic partners" anytime soon, either--and we're in our late forties.

I'm 54 and my partner is nine years younger. After being together for 10 years there's nothing platonic about our relationship. Sex is like anything else. Use it or lose it.

Regarding affairs Just2talk2 writes in msg 578,
You mentioned "why on earth would someone stay"....It's NOT THAT EASY to just walk out of a marriage/relationship, and maybe the bitterness will subside...

Makes sense to me. Everyone goes on and on about sex not being all that important to a relationship. They mention compatibility in likes and dislikes and attitude, etc. If those things are working why would anyone leave?

People talk about self-esteem and the dictionary, under "ego", says, "self-esteem or self-image". I wonder how much ego plays a part when people leave after an affair. It's not unusual for one to feel people will be looking at them with pity or as if they're stupid for staying. That is ego. Self-esteem is realizing what is actually working for you, not what people think is working for you.

I've seen young families split up because of a one time fling. Those who were truly in love gained nothing. The children inevitably suffered financially and emotionally. When people talk about it being better for the children all they are saying is that they are miserable and they make the home miserable and it's better if the children don't have to live through that. The affair has nothing to do with the children. It's the reaction to the affair that determines what is best for the children. Young children have no idea what a fling is unless the parent tells them.

People have the idea their straying partner is deliberately trying to hurt them. As someone noted on another thread, "That thinking is nonsense. It had nothing to do with you. You weren't even there!"

I think what you're doing, Just2talk2, is the mature thing to do. If your partner still loves you and still wants to be with you and treats you well an affair can be dealt with and the relationship grow much stronger. People don't have affairs/flings in order to hurt anyone and once that is understood then self-esteem is not in the equation.

People do things without thinking. They make mistakes. They do things on the spur of the moment. They are not doing it to hurt anyone. At the time it's going down (no pun intended) their partner is the last person they are thinking about so why would anyone feel they're doing it to hurt them? Once that is understood one is able to view an affair from the proper perspective. The person was not trying to humiliate or punish or in any other way hurt their partner. When thinking about ending a relationship one has to honestly ask themselves, "Am I being driven by self-esteem or ego?"
Joined: 2/1/2007
Msg: 552
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Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 3/11/2007 6:03:35 AM
A violation of trust that deep is violating major values, and components of integrity. It violates honor, trust, commitment, love, loyalty, and so forth. If the individual cheats for any reason other than having a sexual dysfunction/illness [especially sexual addiction] -- the values are violated, and can't be restored. Our lives are too fragile to install weak beams to support us in our relationship and the grow of potential family [or established family]

I wouldn't walk a tight rope with a net to begin with, but ask me if I'd walk a tight rope and a net with a hole the size of a swimming pool, and my answer is most certaly Hell NO! That's what a person does to a relationship when they consciously cheat and violate values, they create a massive hole which can never fully support the relationship.
Joined: 12/19/2006
Msg: 554
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 3/14/2007 2:48:11 PM
I love people who try to justify cheating. THere is no excuse. If your not getting what you want, LEAVE...don't cheat.
Joined: 8/30/2006
Msg: 558
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 3/14/2007 4:32:31 PM
No, No, and 'NO' period. Absolutely not......
Joined: 1/15/2007
Msg: 562
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 3/15/2007 10:14:41 AM
ok...speaking from the other side...i guess the bad not forgive.
People cheat for a reason, I dont want to get into the reasons they cheat..but "once a cheater..always a cheater" is not necessary true...i think its more like..once they cheat on YOU..they will again.
I have been in several relationships, never ever dreamed or thought of into this one, married cause I was pregnant ...and i began years later. Somethings missing/somethings not right...we try to keep our family intact...but cant live with just this...people look outside of their relationship or marriage to fulfil that.
I dont want to be bashed because i know its NOT right at save your bashing me emails... but my advice..

Move on...find someone that totally respects you and wants to be with only you...they will do it again to you...
Joined: 5/10/2005
Msg: 565
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 3/15/2007 4:53:06 PM
Personally, I will not tolerate any kind of cheating. I believe if you are truly committed to one another in a relationship, then there is reason to go off and cheat. Cheating is for losers!
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 567
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Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 3/19/2007 2:01:02 AM
People say, “Leave before you cheat.” I don’t believe most cheaters actually plan it out. Sure, there are some who place profiles seeking “Intimate Relationships” but, in general, if you had a spouse who cheated wasn’t it with someone at the spur of the moment?

For example, a man doesn’t limit his employment search to companies that have pretty receptionists because he plans on having an affair with one six months down the road or base his home purchase on the number of attractive neighbors. The point being I don’t believe most people actively go looking for an affair, planning an affair, so isn’t it unreasonable to expect them to leave before it happens?

Another thing I find strange is someone preferring their partner leave in the first place. Isn’t that the last thing one would want to happen? If there was any way to reconcile isn’t that what someone would want to try?

It has often been said here “once a cheater, always a cheater” but isn’t it reasonable to conclude it is the people who have forgiven their partner once and had it happen again who are here? If someone made a mistake, cheated, and worked it out with their partner I don’t think either of them would be here.

What I’m getting at is it’s similar to going into a barroom and asking all those who went to AA if it worked for them. The unanimous answer would undoubtedly be, “Once a drunk, always a drunk.” The ones for whom AA worked would not be in the bar. I mention this as I feel it is not a good representation of the general population and it may contribute to one not believing people can change and relationships saved.
Joined: 3/3/2007
Msg: 572
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 3/19/2007 6:30:06 AM
I posted on here awhile ago that i could stand it if i really cared about someone and be forgiving because of the deep feelings involved, but now, WTF was i thinking, never ever can i forgive, to those who are****hungry and the scumbags that did it with her, what did they think, that i was not going to be upset? These type of people are going to meet karma one day and they won't ever forget it. Done venting now, and realize i am way better off with cheaters, my life is absolutely great without that kind...
 Leigh AKA PL
Joined: 4/20/2006
Msg: 576
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Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 3/21/2007 2:48:05 PM

love people who try to justify cheating. THere is no excuse. If your not getting what you want, LEAVE...don't cheat.

love that from a girl in a previous post said that unless he is married she is game if he is.... no matter what.... if he is with someone they are not available simple... don't go there.... but don't contradict your self to funny
 Leigh AKA PL
Joined: 4/20/2006
Msg: 577
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Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 3/21/2007 2:56:56 PM

Unless he is married....he is fair game IMO.

your words in another post.... to funny

ok message to short..... why bubbles do you think it is ok for a man who is committed to be fair game as long as he is not married? you contradict yourself here..... could be married for only a year but an un married man could be in a relationship for years,why is that different?

if someone has a partner keep away BUTS
Joined: 7/26/2006
Msg: 583
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Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 3/22/2007 8:45:30 AM
God says we must forgive....but forgiving doesnt mean u condone it....i would try to work it out...if hes willing to go to counseling with you and thinks your relationship is worth saving...and seems committed...then please...get some counselling. By the time you are done with will really get to know your partner and either like him....or dislike him. know you can trust him or know you cant!

I was cheated on after being married with four kids for fourteen years! it hurts like hell! i stayed for another four years...trying desperately to get past it all...i thought time would heal all wounds. he was a truck driver and gone all the time...he was not there to counsel with me and wasnt there to hold me and get me thru it all. he wasnt there for me to watch his behavior and see for myself that he had changed and it was just a mistake. the trust is gone....and when its must try to regain it. but if hes not there to do this with just doesnt work. if hes commited to the relationship and you then it will work! God bless you!
Joined: 2/26/2007
Msg: 584
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Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 3/22/2007 9:15:38 AM
Depends, but in the long run never works. Don't waste your time because cheating hardly ever is the problem.

Therefore my answer is NO
Joined: 3/17/2007
Msg: 588
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 3/22/2007 11:54:56 AM
The trust to me, that once was there, will never be again, so without trust, their is no relationship
Joined: 2/21/2007
Msg: 591
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 3/22/2007 5:57:45 PM
I have had it happen to me. As far as I am concerned, that's treading on sacred ground. Automatic termination of the relationship is my response, without a second thought. There is no excuse.
Joined: 3/16/2007
Msg: 593
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Cheating always has been and always will be a deal breaker - FOR ME
Posted: 3/22/2007 8:38:41 PM
my Ex wife cheated on me and that is the one thing I will not forgive or accept. I have moved on and I refuse to put up with cheaters
Joined: 3/15/2007
Msg: 599
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 3/23/2007 9:25:04 AM
i guess i am somewhat with nicebluiz.... i could maybe forgive after a long term of bitterness about the situation... sorry but that is me.. call it hasty to be bitter but heh...... i move on fast ... dont need to waste my time on something as usless as cheating.. or the possiablity of was cheating on me.... been threw that WAY to many times.... as a friend tells me... intuiation is only right 100% of the time.. this is something i think i going to adapt should have got out alot sooner in a few cases there are things that just point to a cheater and a liar but i guess the fact that love beats all sometimes and we are just blinded untill the day we just get a kick in the balls for being so stupid.... sorry guess this turned out to be a bit of a rant but aw well.. those are my ideas of it all lol
Joined: 7/31/2005
Msg: 605
Cheating- can you forgive?
Posted: 3/26/2007 9:19:51 AM
Everyone can forgive if they really wanted too, As for me it all depends on how long has he been doing this and if hes sorry for doing it in the first place. Im a reasonable person and i usely give a 3 strikes and your out kind of thing.All i ask is to have the balls to tell me straight up that you cheated and lets talk about it and save all the drama that usely comes later if you lie about it and then get caught. Your more likely not going to be in the "dog house" if you just tell the truth and get it over with. So to answer the question yes i can forgive.
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