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 tangofish
Joined: 6/16/2015
Msg: 333
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Why do some guys write they want friends first?Page 12 of 15    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15)
Shhhhhhh halcyonskies ! You're giving away all my secrets!
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 334
Why do some guys write they want friends first?
Posted: 11/17/2015 8:44:35 PM

Ultimately, the trick is to make her think that she has won you over, changed your mind, and conquered your apprehension. She will forget about holding back as she would do under normal circumstances. A master of these dark arts could very easily get laid on the first date.


Dude, that does it. I am going to have to send commandos to silence you. You've just gave away the whole bad boy strategy.

The secret for it to work is that if it's not going your way, you don't give a s h it, you stick to the plan. Women have this nasty inner voice that wakes up the "bad girl" and that is "What's wrong with me? Why doesn't he find me attractive? But, let's be real, they are responsible for their own actions. And while before they were going "Stop it, stop it, stop it, you're such an ass w ho le." Now they are going "Do you find me attractive? Do you want me? What would you like me to do?"

I know the women of the forums are going to go after me after what I said here. And no, not all women are like that, but many do, and they are young, old, intelligent, with professions, in business, drop dead gorgeous, normal looking, charismatic, introverted, extroverted.

So go ahead. Shoot me down.
 castlehillsmile
Joined: 11/4/2015
Msg: 335
Why do some guys write they want friends first?
Posted: 11/17/2015 8:52:34 PM
These forums are a great education.
I think when some people say Friends First they mean:

Let's get to know each other.
Go out. Do things. Movies, dinner, concerts, picnics et
No sex as we are just friends.
If in the future we jointly want to move to the next level and become intimate, then we will be more than friends.




Have sex with no expectations of anything.



The problem occurs when the peopld involved have different expectations.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 336
Why do some guys write they want friends first?
Posted: 11/18/2015 6:48:59 AM

The problem occurs when the peopld involved have different expectations.


Castlehills, what is a peopld? (Just kidding, I am dyslectic and commit this crime all the time. )

I agree with the above statement. The man, usually a nice guy, thinks that he can warm up to the girl so in whatever time he will be able to have sex with her. The woman, usually in a rebound situation, where the last guy treated her badly, or still not over him, befriends a guy for companionship and pretends that she may like him sexually, when in reality all she really wants is a girlfriend that wears pants. She gets the best of both world, the male companionship and sense of protection, but the girlfriend that she can talk to, but with the male spin.
More often than not when a woman friend-zones a guy, she will never go back to a sexual relationship with that guy. However, the only time this happens is when it was the other way around. The male friend-zoned the woman, and after some given time he realizes that she has the hots for him, so they become more.
 SunKist_Gal
Joined: 9/7/2015
Msg: 337
Why do some guys write they want friends first?
Posted: 11/18/2015 7:12:58 AM
IG...... I do agree this playing hard to get with certain women works for some men.
No it wasn't with me..... I had a friend who met a guy...the original consensus was she was not interested in him but she had a tendency to "friend" them forever.
This particular guy then dated others and boy...was she upset.
I pointed out to her that....she originally didn't want him to begin with, so she has no right to be upset....right?
So, then it became a quest to get him to "want" her....story short, it didn't pan out.

I'm in the thought pattern...when a man puts "friends first"....they want to play the field or it's an excuse to fall back on.
I'm not looking for 'friends'.....I need the other type of attraction.
 Chromis1
Joined: 9/9/2015
Msg: 338
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Why do some guys write they want friends first?
Posted: 11/18/2015 7:14:44 AM

More often than not when a woman friend-zones a guy, she will never go back to a sexual relationship with that guy. However, the only time this happens is when it was the other way around. The male friend-zoned the woman, and after some given time he realizes that she has the hots for him, so they become more.


Huh?

Is this what you're saying:

1) Woman friend-zones man = man stays in friend zone.
2) Man friend-zones woman = woman stays there, unless man changes his mind.

Why on earth would a man's brain function differently?
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 339
Why do some guys write they want friends first?
Posted: 11/18/2015 7:23:00 AM

1) Woman friend-zones man = man stays in friend zone.
2) Man friend-zones woman = woman stays there, unless man changes his mind.


Maybe two factors. One the nice guy factor. Meaning the guy didn't quite had the balls to pursue, tell her that he found her attractive, yet not in love with her. Second. His pecker. Eventually the little brain develops enough courage to tell the other brain to do something.

Actually who in the fvck knows.

But here is the reality. I've met couples that they say they started as friends. I've met guys and women that had friends that when they tried to cross that line, it did not work. A man may have friend-zoned a woman that liked him, because he was hoping to find a more attractive woman, but that never happened, so as the relationship evolves with this friend, they realize that she is really cool, and well, things evolve. But she all along still had the hots for the guy.
 tangofish
Joined: 6/16/2015
Msg: 340
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Why do some guys write they want friends first?
Posted: 11/18/2015 8:14:21 AM
Sorry IG, but I'm an agent of chaos. All will be revealed as a right of free press, and panic will grip the world as all the dark secrets of the bad boy's are revealed. Once known, these secrets cannot be unlearned, and the world will tear itself apart from the inside out.

There will be a resistance though, an order of nice guy's that try desperately to fight back. But, because they still can't get laid, (even as they try to save the world) - the order of nice guy's will give up as usual. The world will cease to exist, and nobody will actually care, because life kind of sucks anyway.
 Chromis1
Joined: 9/9/2015
Msg: 341
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Why do some guys write they want friends first?
Posted: 11/18/2015 8:39:33 AM

Maybe two factors. One the nice guy factor. Meaning the guy didn't quite had the balls to pursue, tell her that he found her attractive, yet not in love with her. Second. His pecker. Eventually the little brain develops enough courage to tell the other brain to do something.


Anecdotal evidence aside, this just doesn't make any sense. C'mon, think this through. What you're saying is that men and women friend-zone in different fashions. I can't buy that. Our neurons fire the same way. If I've friend-zoned a woman .. I mean, really friend-zoned her .. she's staying there, just as assuredly as am I for the woman who's friend-zoned me.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 342
Why do some guys write they want friends first?
Posted: 11/18/2015 9:16:33 AM

But she all along still had the hots for the guy.


Isn't that being dishonest-playing the "I only want to be platonic friends. Treat me like I'm one of your buddies" game, while having the hots for the guy? Is she going to be OK and not say anything if the guy dates and has sex with other women, and he tells her about the latest fantastic woman he met, who he is thinking of getting serious with, and could be the One, while she has the hots for him?
 Ladyinred4755
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 343
Why do some guys write they want friends first?
Posted: 11/18/2015 9:40:47 AM

.....................just as assuredly as am I for the woman who's friend-zoned me.


I agree with chromis.
I have never thought to myself or said out loud, to any man, "Let's be friends first". Nope never. Never "friend-zoned".

From my teen years to now, if I was physically/mentally, attracted, he was available, I was available, I was LOOKING, I went for the whole ball of wax. None of this in between stuff.

I don't sleep with my friends (LOL male or female) for numerous reasons. And no, I'm not going to change my mind.

I have never set out to have a FWB, and was ticked off when it became clear, several men I dated (6 weeks-18 mo.) in the past 8 years or so, led me to believe they wanted a relationship, and when I "saw the light,", dropped them like a hot potato. THEN THEY wanted to come back around and sing a new tune. "I miss you,/ I miss talking to you, /But I love you, /I didn't know you meant what you said,/ I've changed my mind."
LOL Really?
Yaddy yadda. Yah, Cry me a river.

I work with a male friend, young enough to be my son. Several years ago, we took a 4 day road trip together, to the New England states. Had a blast!
From the get go, when I first proposed the idea to him, to take the trip, I clearly stated, "We go as friends, nothing more, nothing less, and this stays between us. We do not share a motel room. Are you interested?" He immediately agreed and asked, "When do we leave?"

Sooooo............ If a man wrote in his profile, "Let's be friends first", or in a message, or said to me on the phone or on a first meet, "We can be friends", I avoided him, steered clear!

LOL All a mute point now. BF and I knew from day one what we wanted from each other.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 344
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Why do some guys write they want friends first?
Posted: 11/18/2015 10:55:53 AM

Friends means friends.

I agree. "Friends First" -- first before what? Being more than Just friends (non-platonic). Hence it means Just friends at first.

Pay 50:50 or either can treat the other.

That may bode well in the land of Crocodile Dundee, but not so much here in the US. Many gals playing the FF game will want their dinners paid for, for the most part. :)


No sex.
No kissing.
No romance.

I agree that's what the phrase strongly says and Should mean, yes.

Same as a friend of the same gender.

I agree that's what the phrase says, BUT... here's the kicker: It's not like that for 99.99% of people playing the FF game. Hence the PROBLEM with using the phrase. You're NOT *just* friends. Litmus test? Start kissing the waiter or waitress in front of them, or asking them to be your wing-man picking someone up. It's NOT *just* friends, despite what the phrase Says. :)
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 345
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Why do some guys write they want friends first?
Posted: 11/18/2015 1:44:22 PM

Chromis1
Anecdotal evidence aside, this just doesn't make any sense. C'mon, think this through. What you're saying is that men and women friend-zone in different fashions. I can't buy that. Our neurons fire the same way.

Uhhh…. No, not really.

I don’t want to get into the whole inherited versus learned debate, but either way you slice it, men and women ARE different. Very different. We see things differently, we approach things from entirely different viewpoints. This is a fact, pretty much all scientists (both hard and soft science) agree, men and women are very different, they think differently, they react differently.

Don’t get me wrong, I like the difference, I celebrate the difference. I like women, very much. What’s not to like? They look good, they smell good, they feel absolutely great when I hold one in my arms slow dancing.

You need to go and re-read ladder theory. Men have only one ladder, women have two.


The first thing to notice here is that a woman has not one ,but two ladders. This is because in addition the normal ladder, a woman also has a friends ladder. The friends ladder is where a woman puts guys that she considers "just friends". More to the point where she puts guys who don't get to have sex with her.

The problem arises because a woman never lets a guy know which ladder he is on. Obviously there is a huge difference, or gap between these two ladders. It is in this gap that kisses of death are delivered and intellectual whores are made. All a man can do is "go for it" and make a move on a girl; ask her out, try to kiss her, write her a love note or whatever. If he's on the good ladder fine. If he is on the friends ladder this is a case of ladder jumping. The man is trying to jump the gap from the friends ladder to the real ladder.

The girl has two choices at this point: she can let him on the ladder and all is well, or, more likely, she can kick him in the head, and off the ladder. If you look you'll see that below the ladder is the Abyss(what was it Nietzsche said about a man being on a rope stretched over an Abyss?....well it's worse than he thought; there is no rope.) So the man falls into the Abyss. The Abyss isn't really as bad as it sounds. Mostly it's a period of self-loathing, embarrassment, and of course utter awkwardness with the girl in question if they are talking at all.

 castlehillsmile
Joined: 11/4/2015
Msg: 346
Why do some guys write they want friends first?
Posted: 11/18/2015 3:53:56 PM

peopld


^^^ Just typing as I pronounce after a few too many glasses of bubbly.

Opps. Sorry. My bad. :)
 SunshineGirl__
Joined: 10/7/2014
Msg: 347
Why do some guys write they want friends first?
Posted: 11/18/2015 4:16:22 PM

This is because in addition the normal ladder, a woman also has a friends ladder. The friends ladder is where a woman puts guys that she considers "just friends". More to the point where she puts guys who don't get to have sex with her.


This is NOT how a genuine friend thinks! If all you want from women is sex, don’t pretend to be her “friend” hoping she’ll give in eventually and screw you.

And don’t blame women for your own insincere motives.

“Normal ladder” “friend ladder,” ….what garbage.
 SunKist_Gal
Joined: 9/7/2015
Msg: 348
Why do some guys write they want friends first?
Posted: 11/18/2015 5:24:34 PM

Normal ladder” “friend ladder,” ….what garbage.

Where do people come up with this stuff.??

Pretty cut and dried for me..if you're friend zoned or my friend and you are giving off creepy vibes that you are only friends with me...looking for an in to get laid.
You're done!
 Whatsamatterbaby
Joined: 11/7/2015
Msg: 349
Why do some guys write they want friends first?
Posted: 11/18/2015 5:52:33 PM
^ While I'm always the one protesting gender stereotypes, I've often wondered if men tend to experience sex differently from how women tend to experience it, in that many (most?) men would be comfortable having sex in non-romantic friendships because, well... it's just sex?
 ShowboatSupreme
Joined: 11/10/2015
Msg: 350
Why do some guys write they want friends first?
Posted: 11/18/2015 6:50:18 PM
^^^
If I'm not into a gal at some point after the sex, it's often not the sex that is the issue.

I won't waste her time while I'm searching for someone else.

Also, there's plenty of gals that just want sex and not the hangups of a bf up their arse.

I suspect a lot of the 'women place more value on sex then men' mentality is more prevalent in the younger demographics.
 Whatsamatterbaby
Joined: 11/7/2015
Msg: 351
Why do some guys write they want friends first?
Posted: 11/18/2015 7:09:41 PM

Also, there's plenty of gals that just want sex and not the hangups of a bf up their arse.


One of us is drunk.
 HalftimeDad
Joined: 5/29/2005
Msg: 352
Why do some guys write they want friends first?
Posted: 11/18/2015 7:50:02 PM

Also, there's plenty of gals that just want sex and not the hangups of a bf up their arse.


Well, I for one never have my butt plugs hanging on the wall. That's just crass.
 ShowboatSupreme
Joined: 11/10/2015
Msg: 353
Why do some guys write they want friends first?
Posted: 11/18/2015 8:09:00 PM
I've never been good with words...

Don't worry Anabelle..I'll do whatever it takes to get it up for you...

Referring to fixing a robot asap.
 InnerGorilla
Joined: 4/1/2014
Msg: 354
Why do some guys write they want friends first?
Posted: 11/18/2015 8:26:57 PM

C'mon, think this through. What you're saying is that men and women friend-zone in different fashions. I can't buy that. Our neurons fire the same way. If I've friend-zoned a woman .. I mean, really friend-zoned her .. she's staying there, just as assuredly as am I for the woman who's friend-zoned me.


Men and women think differently. Men and women behave differently. Not only do men and women behave differently, but men of principle, meaning the guys who can get laid with regularity, and the guys that are desperate and don't get laid with regularity, act completely different. A lot of men pretend to friend-zone a woman, because they are just nice guys. I don't have statistics, but there are so many, many nice guys out there that want some eye candy, arm chair girlfriend, someone to hang out, that they will do anything. How do I know this? I know some of those poor **stards that wined and dined a woman for six months as friends, and in one night the girl wants to do me instead of him. Hmmm.

Then you hear the millions of stories from women (yes I do have women that are actually REAL friends and I really do not want to do them at all.) They tell you how the felt betrayed that George, their good friend of several years, when the got drunk went after them. Go figure.

Dude, our neurons may fire the same way, but they are driven by a totally different set of hormones and a totally different set of fears and objectives.


^^ Just typing as I pronounce after a few too many glasses of bubbly.


Hehehe. Life is good. I was just kidding. People driven by grammar end up with no passion. I'd rather have the passion you have.
 Chromis1
Joined: 9/9/2015
Msg: 355
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Why do some guys write they want friends first?
Posted: 11/18/2015 9:54:06 PM

A lot of men pretend to friend-zone a woman, because they are just nice guys.


Then the man didn't actually friend-zone the woman, did he?

And poor George, who went after the woman 4 years later, he never friend-zoned that woman, either.

If a man friend-zones a woman, he does it exactly the same way, irrevocably, that a woman friend zones a man. There is no difference between the two. Everybody is walking down the same ladder.
 LetitiaLeGrande
Joined: 3/22/2015
Msg: 356
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Why do some guys write they want friends first?
Posted: 11/18/2015 10:01:54 PM
darktranquility

I agree with you. When a guy is attracted to a woman he wants sex as soon as and if she feels the same, she will too.
A friendship would need to develop for there to be an enduring relationship but that grows over time. I have not encountered any guy in my limited dating experience that wants to be friends first. When women declare they want that, the guy usually disappears.
 norwegianguy456
Joined: 6/11/2015
Msg: 357
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Why do some guys write they want friends first?
Posted: 11/18/2015 10:06:30 PM

Men and women think differently. Men and women behave differently. Not only do men and women behave differently, but men of principle, meaning the guys who can get laid with regularity, and the guys that are desperate and don't get laid with regularity, act completely different.

Yes, men & women tend to behave differently. Social culture helps propagate this, too. And as you point out, not all guys act the same way. Heck, some guys even like other guys. But there are trends & expectations.

Guys friend-zone women all the time (not interested), and girls do the same. So is life. However, I think the key difference is, guys will tend to NOT friend-zone a gal to be 1-on-1 friends with her when she likes him. It's going to more often be the other way around when that happens. But friend-zone doesn't mean being 1-on-1 friends. It means I'll still keep in touch / hang out (usually as group-friends), but I don't like you 'that way'.

I know some of those poor **stards that wined and dined a woman for six months as friends, and in one night the girl wants to do me instead of him. Hmmm.

Almost always that's the guy having interest in her, while she lacks interest in him. He may tell his buddies he's not that into her, but that's not necessarily the case. He may not be ga-ga about her, actually like being friends with her, but he's going to continue being 1-on-1 friends with her because he Does like her in-that-way.

There's a big difference between group-friends & 1-on-1 friends. I still don't see how men & women, where one likes the other but not vice versa, would begin rolling as 1-on-1 friends. WEIRD. I'm not saying opp-sex friends can't ever hang out 1-on-1. But one's 1-on-1 friends when that defines their friendship spending time together VS defined by being group-friends.
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