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 Sunnydays68
Joined: 8/12/2007
Msg: 194
Why do some guys write they want friends first?Page 3 of 15    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15)
What an old-fashioned concept...to actually get to know somebody and figure out if you like each other enough to be in a relationship BEFORE having sex! Gotta say, I am under the impression the standard approach on this site (male and female) is to go out on a couple of dates and then have sex before deciding if this person is somebody you could be interested in "long-term". I see comments in the forums all the time like "If there's no sex by the third date, I move on" or "why would I commit to somebody only to find out they can't satisfy me in bed?"

It used to be standard procedure for the most part, that relationships grew out of friendships or at least longer acquaintanceships. I would love to see this happen more commonly...talk about taking off the pressure of having to decide "yay or nay" by the third date! I got my "sampling" out of my system years ago, and I don't intend to start sleeping around now just to weed through enough men to hopefully find the one who also thinks I'm his one. I do hope to find somebody who sees me as his friend AND his partner and lover.

SunnyD
 *Just Jim*
Joined: 7/6/2007
Msg: 197
Why do some guys write they want friends first?
Posted: 3/21/2008 5:34:04 AM
imo, from reading all the replies and all the ways to get you under my skin it for the most part makes no dif in what is put down in a person's wants and needs because eventually your true colors[honesty] will rise to the surface and this is where relationship will either flourish or subside.
And then and only then you will find in what each other really wants and looking for.
 SwampHunter
Joined: 6/1/2007
Msg: 200
Why do some guys write they want friends first?
Posted: 3/21/2008 6:42:59 AM
Guys put "friends first" because they don't want you showing up expecting an instant relationship any more than you want a man showing up expecting instant sex.

Why make a big deal out of it? Iif you can't be friends you can't be anything, no?

Mark
 Sunnydays68
Joined: 8/12/2007
Msg: 206
Why do some guys write they want friends first?
Posted: 3/21/2008 1:08:39 PM
There's no pressure. If someone dumps you because you don't
have sex with them right away you're better off without them.


There IS pressure. And that's why I also said I don't intend to start racking up my "number" in order to weed through men....I have yet to be "dumped" by anybody for not having sex with them because if I feel that pressure, I know that guy's not for me and I move on.

SunnyD (who does not cave to pressure)
 *buzz*
Joined: 6/1/2006
Msg: 207
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Why do some guys write they want friends first?
Posted: 3/21/2008 1:16:21 PM
I, for one, like finding in a guy's profile FRIENDS (as what one is looking for). I rather stand firmly on the ground rather then aspire for something that might not materialise i.e. LTR because two people could not be friends... first.
How can two people progress to being lovers when they could not be friends first?
I like simple things in life and so it goes the same way for a relationship, not "jumping a queue".
 Dumpling-Girl
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 214
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Why do some guys write they want friends first?
Posted: 3/22/2008 3:20:17 AM
I met a guy who said friends first, and what he meant is that he's all for making out and casual sex with no meaning, with people he didn't want a relationship with, but he was fresh out of a long term relationship, and wasn't going to be rushing into another one. So he didn't really mean being platonic, which is what I thought it meant. It just meant he was emotionally scarred and a weenie in terms of a real relationship. Something to stay away from, I think. Another guy looking for friends (but didn't say friends first)just meant that he wouldn't be attracted to a lot of the women he would meet, so I think it is a tactic to avoid hurting girl's feelings by rejecting them. When he finds the right girl, he will be just as willing to jump in as anyone else.

Anyhow, when I see friends first, it makes me wary.
 Sharzi
Joined: 10/6/2007
Msg: 217
Why do some guys write they want friends first?
Posted: 3/22/2008 4:24:27 PM
You know, I wrote an article about that once. I hear that all the time and I've always found it to be silly. If you're going to be a "friend" that means you call when you say you will, you don't just disappear after meeting someone, you don't sleep with that person (or they have changed from a friend to a buddy with benefits), you genuinely care about that person enough not to want to string them along or hurt them, etc.

If one were to define a friend, it's someone you trust, confide in... you have their back and they have yours. You don't walk away when there's a problem, and you stay in touch even when there is. A friend is someone you look forward to talking to and you are honest with. None of that seems to apply in dating though.

I have found very few people who are truly looking for anything longterm. Instead, what I see is more and more people "trading up" thanks to the internet. It's SO easy to just replace one with another if things aren't perfect. So, meeting people under the guise of being "friends first," affords you the opportunity to hold someone at arm's length, check him/her out and see if the goods are worth hanging out for a while, and the whole time, keep looking for someone else who could be another "friend first."

I also don't get the coffee "meeting." It's all symantics if you ask me. If someone asks you out, says "let's meet for coffee," is that still not a "date?" Someone did the asking... someone was interested... someone wanted to see if there would be any chemistry. "Meetings" are held in offices or conference rooms. Two single's going out for coffee is still a date in my book. But, I suppose if you aren't looking for anything other than "friends," you wouldn't want to commit to a date. lol

Yeah, it's all part of the game. And man, do I hate games.

Sharzi
 ________
Joined: 12/24/2006
Msg: 218
Why do some guys write they want friends first?
Posted: 3/22/2008 4:28:13 PM
It's like that all over..... The idea people can't have more than one thought or goal at a time.

Friends are always worth more than sex play mates.... so friends are the only thing -- first, last and middle on my priorities list.
 dentwebb
Joined: 6/11/2005
Msg: 219
Why do some guys write they want friends first?
Posted: 3/22/2008 4:32:08 PM
The same thing as when a woman says Friends First, silly!!
 StarreGazer
Joined: 2/21/2007
Msg: 226
Why do some guys write they want friends first?
Posted: 3/25/2008 11:04:41 AM

Msg: 234 -- To lose your best friend because you wont sleep with him, only makes me feel, thats the only reason a man would even want to be a 'friend'. In hopes of getting laid. This makes me sad. :o(


When I first meet a woman, she USUALLY communicates the type of relationship that she wants with me. My relationships with them, including any sexual involvement, either remained static or decayed regarding sex. They NEVER progressed beyond her INITIAL implied desires, NO MATTER HOW MUCH SHE WANTED OTHERWISE. "Just Friends" meant JUST THAT, strictly PLATONIC for as long as the friendship would last. "Friends With Benefits" would include sex for as long as she was open to it. Once she closed that door, it was from that point forever barricaded. "Long Term Relationship" by implication means friendship, sex, and monogamy. When she decides to eliminate one of the three from the relationship, then it is DISSOLVED and CAN NOT BE RESTORED.

THIS is how I handle my relationships with women. It avoids confusion. I like simple. Simple is good. I UTTERLY DESPISE complications in my life and will do WHATEVER it takes to ELIMINATE them. The above-mentioned self-imposed rules are an attempt on MY part to KEEP things SIMPLE.
 StarreGazer
Joined: 2/21/2007
Msg: 228
Why do some guys write they want friends first?
Posted: 3/25/2008 11:22:33 AM


Msg: 235 -- If it means something different to others, it would make it their issue, not mine.


I heartily disagree. Upon initial contact, it is the WOMAN who determines the type of contact she desires. From THAT point, it will progress NO FURTHER. If she STATES, even by ERROR, that there will be no sex between us, there will be NO LTR between us. She has written her desire in STONE, NEVER TO BE CHANGED. I will look for someone else.

I want a woman who KNOWS WHAT and WHOM she wants. If she is flaky or hesitant in her decision as to her desires, I will wait a very SHORT while for her to make up her mind. But when my patience wears thin, it will be HER INDECISION that will register as a NEGATIVE with me, and I will move on. "NEXT!!!!"
 StarreGazer
Joined: 2/21/2007
Msg: 229
Why do some guys write they want friends first?
Posted: 3/25/2008 11:37:21 AM


Msg: 238 -- Smart.......if I am not friends first then nothing else is going to happen


No argument there. Further, if you make it clear that you are "Just Friends", then you pretty much guarantee that NOTHING will EVER happen.
 natbedfor
Joined: 3/14/2008
Msg: 230
Why do some guys write they want friends first?
Posted: 3/25/2008 12:27:35 PM
i posted that i want friends first because that is what i feel i want. if i can not have a friend, someone to talk to, lean on, etc. then what is the point in being "in love" with that person? to me love comes from friendship, sure it might happen everey once in a while that you don't even know the persons last name but feel like you are i love with them. but that is the exception not the rule. so, i guess what i am saying is if on a first date it feels right to hold hands or even a small kiss upon parting then fine, i see friends give hugs and kisses all the time. not big tongue filled kisses but a kiss on the cheek or a quick peck on the lips and a hug. one can be friends and have a less than striclty no touch relationship. i personally look for a person i can talk to and be comfortable with first and to me that means someone i would be friends with.
 Sharzi
Joined: 10/6/2007
Msg: 236
Why do some guys write they want friends first?
Posted: 3/26/2008 3:42:35 PM
natbedfor wrote:

>>>>what i am saying is if on a first date it feels right to hold hands or even a small kiss upon parting then fine, i see friends give hugs and kisses all the time. not big tongue filled kisses but a kiss on the cheek or a quick peck on the lips and a hug. one can be friends and have a less than striclty no touch relationship. i personally look for a person i can talk to and be comfortable with first and to me that means someone i would be friends with. <<<<

If you just met someone, they aren't really a friend yet... they are still just an acquaintance. You need to get to know someone first. And if you do, chances are, what you mean by friend is someone you're in a relationship with that you can confide in and trust, someone who cares about you and protects that relationship... someone loyal and honest and will stand by you through thick and thin.

But the word "friend" doesn't usually conjur that for most people. When I think of a friend, it's not someone I'm ever going to be intimate with. So, if a guy makes me a friend in the traditional sense, it's just not gonna happen.

Most of the time, men who have said they wanted a friend first, wanted to go out, test out the goods and if they are to his liking, he "might" consider a relationship. Because of that, I'm turned off by that wording in a profile.

I'd much rather read that someone is looking for a close and loving relationship, than a friend first.

Sharzi
 kensar
Joined: 7/22/2004
Msg: 239
Why do some guys write they want friends first?
Posted: 3/28/2008 1:51:47 PM
BeccaTO,
It on EVERY woman's profile that I have ever read. Friends first and see where it goes. Its all deception for sex without commitment.
Hey I have an idea, Why don't we plant an apple tree and see if it will grow into an orange tree. Same frigging difference.
 justin_mtl
Joined: 2/9/2008
Msg: 240
Why do some guys write they want friends first?
Posted: 3/28/2008 2:22:25 PM
Wow. Where's the logic in that? So you must believe in creationism I guess. Things evolve and change. I'm sure you don't do the things you used to do when you were 5.

Do you still get your milk from your mom's breasts? Hope not. Relationships change and there's nothing wrong with that. People aren't meant to stick with to one role. Even machines can evolve and learn to interact differently with their surroundings.

Your friend can become your boss. Can still be your friend. Your neighbor can become your friend. Your sister can become your roomate. Your coworker can become your teamate. Your dentist can become your business partner.

Your friend can become your lover. Your lover can become your friend.

It's sad that a lot of people don't allow for that. People can adapt. But people's mental images and expectations usually don't. They're not 'one' thing. If you can't get the conception you have of them to change...just too bad. Everytime something changes you'll lose someone because they're just their to play this 'one' role...
 *Just Jim*
Joined: 7/6/2007
Msg: 241
Why do some guys write they want friends first?
Posted: 3/28/2008 2:47:56 PM

I have found very few people who are truly looking for anything longterm. Instead, what I see is more and more people "trading up" thanks to the internet. It's SO easy to just replace one with another if things aren't perfect. So, meeting people under the guise of being "friends first," affords you the opportunity to hold someone at arm's length, check him/her out and see if the goods are worth hanging out for a while, and the whole time, keep looking for someone else who could be another "friend first


It is what it is on the net and personally that is why many folks just stick to the forums only for the reasons you have stated or are trying to find to see if the person is more true to form and has substance to pursue further along, and in finding a parther with similar interest,goals and beliefs. A pretty face can go so far but a pretty [chemistry,etc] can go much further.
 wisguyingb
Joined: 1/5/2008
Msg: 243
Why do some guys write they want friends first?
Posted: 3/29/2008 12:00:19 PM
This means they are lying.

The truth is this-- He wants to make sure you look good and don't have any drama b4 he would even think about dating you.
 justin_mtl
Joined: 2/9/2008
Msg: 245
Why do some guys write they want friends first?
Posted: 3/29/2008 3:00:31 PM
What's the opposite of bingo? I might want to use it.
 randomstoic
Joined: 3/2/2007
Msg: 246
Why do some guys write they want friends first?
Posted: 3/29/2008 7:21:51 PM
I think "friends" is a worthless term. I want articulated expectations first. You can take everything slow, but you should bloody well commit yourself to someone (i.e promise not to look elsewhere). I notice some women take this for granted and just won't articulate that. What men mean by "friends first" has me absolutely baffled.
 Vannili
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 251
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History
Why do some guys write they want friends first?
Posted: 9/22/2008 6:18:52 AM
Why not? I myself would like to be friend a man first,before we hit that nitty gritty relationship..
 LVGSDS
Joined: 2/15/2008
Msg: 252
Why do some guys write they want friends first?
Posted: 9/22/2008 6:45:11 AM
You can't have a meaningful relationship without being friends first. OP should stick with 'casual sex', 'intimate relationship' men only and leave the 'friends' guys for people wanting more.
 lil_ladybug
Joined: 1/21/2008
Msg: 255
Why do some guys write they want friends first?
Posted: 9/25/2008 6:48:36 AM
One of the best ways to explain friends first, at least for me:

Relationships built without a solid friendship is like building a house without a foundation.

Being friends is one of the most important parts of a relationship. If you can't be friends first and foremost, how can you be more?

I don't want a husband, I want him to be my best friend for life. Does that make sense?
 jackster121
Joined: 9/2/2008
Msg: 261
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Why do some guys write they want friends first?
Posted: 9/25/2008 9:24:28 AM
the 2 main building blocks of any relationship is trust and being friends first.
Perhaps some say it because it is in so many women's profiles that they think it is what women want to hear.
Friends first implies let's not be hasty and jump into something. You can kiss, and be flirty, I think you are taking the term too literally.
 PaSaRyu
Joined: 8/17/2008
Msg: 271
Why do some guys write they want friends first?
Posted: 10/19/2008 8:57:31 PM
It is confusing...

In just a few weeks for my first profile I started out Long Term, changed to Dating, changed again to Friends but now back to Long Term only because Forever was not a choice.

I guess in my mind it is a mental / emotional process that boy meets girl, boy likes girl, boy dates girl, boy loves girl, boy marries girl.

Now the lone exception is the amazing "lust factor" which includes even the slightest physical attraction to each other.

This factor automatically over-rides that process and allows being flirty or holding hands, kissing or whatever to jump right to the front of the line.

Thank you for bringing back great memories......:}



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