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 semper_vera
Joined: 10/25/2006
Msg: 329
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Girls Night OutPage 16 of 20    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20)

And, if she needs to go on a weekend skiing trip with a couple of her girlfriends, the guy should trust her. It's not necessary to mention that she will be drinking, partying, and sharing a cabin with some guys because nothing is going to happen. After all, if he can't trust her, the relationship is doomed.

AACK! Okay, it really is not necessary to mention the drinking because, after all, that happens on ski trips so it should be taken as a given. But even *I* wouldn't take the position you just outlined. Good gawd, if you're going 'out with the girls', the idea that there AREN'T men joining you. I thought that was the assumption underlying all of this.

I went on a co-ed ski trip without my bf ONCE. ONLY because HE was the one that suggested it in the first place - because HIS friends were going and wanted to know if I wanted to come along. AND all the girls stayed in one suite, all the guys stayed in another. NOTHING happened - and he knew it would be that way.

On the other hand, I see no problem with trips with the girls - be it skiing or to Vegas. Or, on the flip side, a guys' trip to Vegas. Uh, nightly phone calls might be in order just for that extra little bit of reassurance (and of course there should be no sharing of accomodations with members of the opposite sex) but if you truly trust your partner, it shouldn't matter - any more than a business trip should matter (which often ends up with a similar state of intoxication by the end of the night).

That's why you have a Designated Driver. Why the DD gonna drive her to her girlfriends place..when she could easily drive her to her man?!?

That's assuming there is a DD. What if they just all jumped in one cab? Or what if one of the gals happens to live close to the bar?

For that matter, maybe if you're so worried about it, YOU could offer to pick her up when she's ready to go home. That seems like a fair enough compromise to me. And if you're willing to drag your ass out at 3am and she still insists on crashing somewhere else, THEN you might want to really think about what she's doing! LOL

Of course, I'm apparently an optimist when it comes to relationships, because when this sort of stuff gets discussed I tend to think of it in terms of both partners being trustworthy and considerate, so there should always be a way to work things out. How's that for naive and idealistic, huh?

sv
 semper_vera
Joined: 10/25/2006
Msg: 330
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Girls Night Out
Posted: 3/20/2007 11:59:41 AM

Its no wonder so many people cant have a healthy relationship, too many people think that they should become their SO's world. Thats a very unhealthy way to have a relationship.

Just one of many examples I have seen on these forums of why so many people never have good relationships. Fascating, really.

sv
 Smjle
Joined: 9/19/2006
Msg: 331
Girls Night Out
Posted: 3/20/2007 8:51:59 PM

Of course its all right. Im not a jealous person, and I trust my gf. If I didnt, I wouldnt be with her.

That's good and, although it wouldn't be acceptable to me, I approve of your choice. You will be dependable and a good provider for you g/f and her children. And, when she is ovulating, you faithful g/f is free to select the best genes in order to provide you with superior children.
 Honey_babe
Joined: 4/1/2006
Msg: 334
Girls Night Out
Posted: 3/20/2007 11:05:08 PM
It's just you being you. You are not controlling her because she is still haveing her nights out. You have your own reasons.. I would expect a little change from my guy. But I think sometimes would be ok.

The question is this: Do you trust her?

Actually the questions are: Do you trust her? If not, do you think you can trust her? Do you think she is worth the stress? And.. have you talked to her about it?

If you don't trust her then move on, if you think you can then try to, if she is worth the stress then talk to her about it.

If she cares about you she will take it into consideration next time she's gonna do those shots with her single girl friends.

My guy said to me once.. "you make me not wanna hang out with my boyz" and I thought that was a huge step in our relationship considering he was the tuff guy bad ass type.

That's what Honey does to guys I guess... lol.

I hope this helped alittle.

HB
 Smjle
Joined: 9/19/2006
Msg: 335
Girls Night Out
Posted: 3/21/2007 4:19:03 AM
"Do you trust her" is not all that relevant. What a woman says is not very important compared to what she does which speaks volumes. All women claim they never cheat. Nevertheless, most women, at some time in their life, do cheat. You should expect that she may follow her nature which has evolved over eons to select the best genes for her children.

You don't stop loving your pets if they follow their nature, even though you may train them otherwise. Nor should you not love your girlfriend because she has inherited a woman's nature. Just do what is necessary to train and encourage her to control it. If your cautions and admonishments fall of deaf ears and she is unable to control her nature, then perhaps you should let her go.

You should not expect your girlfriend to never be tempted and maybe on occasions acting on her nature. That is especially true, if you do not take precautions and freely allow her carte blanche to look for and act upon opportunities.

It is only natural the woman wishes to have 100 percent trust and total freedom from fear of being found out should she cheat. When a woman calls you controlling because you are wise enough to be aware of what may happen, that is a strong indication that she doth protest too much.

Edit: Message 438

she has no children....and neither of us want any

In that case, it is less likely that she will be tempted to cheat and so you have no real reason not to have 100 percent trust.
 semper_vera
Joined: 10/25/2006
Msg: 338
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Girls Night Out
Posted: 3/21/2007 8:43:35 AM
^^^^^^^^^^^Good point Arugula

Those who aren't trustworthy are less likely to trust. Those who are trustworthy are more likely to believe that others can be trusted. Makes sense, really.

Maybe that's why this sort of stuff has never really been an issue in the relationships I've been in.

sv
 Smjle
Joined: 9/19/2006
Msg: 345
Girls Night Out
Posted: 3/21/2007 5:14:42 PM

...guys who've been in bars know not to bother with a girls night out---it might look like "tasty treats," but your chances of prying one of the women away and getting anywhere are remote, at best, and the risk is that you may end up on the wrong end of several women's angry side. Two, this is just the other side of the One coin; in that the other women will drive off any male that enters their domain, should he be brave enough to try running that gauntlet; and it has a kind of logic to it---"we're here to get smashed, and if a guy's allowed to take one of us away, that's less fun we're gonna have...if we allow any guy to take away one of us, somebody's gonna be alone pretty soon, and I don't want it to be me."

Nicebluiz,
1. When that describes a girl's night out, the guy has no reason to object because guys are not included. 2. If guys are included, especially if it is one-on-one interactions such as slow dancing on a dimily lit dance floor then, whether that night or later, the prospects exist for meeting that special and exciting guy resulting in more than a girl's night out.

Whether or not a SO has justifiction to complain or be concerned depends on the defination of a girl's night out. That's is are guys included or excluded. People are not going to agree when they are not talking about the same thing. That is, if they agree on the defination.

Unless the defination is clear, it shoud be given a liberal interpretation. That is, that guys may be included.
 chuchurillo
Joined: 2/15/2007
Msg: 347
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Girls Night Out
Posted: 3/21/2007 8:55:00 PM
ancient probverb, "Love many. Trust few. Harm no one."

What ever, happened to compramise? Why is this a one way or the other argument?
Isn't comunication, and honesty THE most important thing in a relationship?
If something bothers you speek up, and say why it does. Use commen sense, in the age of the cell phone, a phone call informing you that they are alright and in from the night isn't controling. That's caring enough about some one enough, to aleaviate their worry.
I have done that, all of my long term ex's have done that.
If a small compramise like that is too much, then as far as I'm concered, that person doesn't respect you, which leads to another saying " Never prioritise anyone, who only makes you an after thought."
And thats my 2 bits.
 Smjle
Joined: 9/19/2006
Msg: 348
Girls Night Out
Posted: 3/21/2007 10:07:05 PM
ancient probverb, "Love many. Trust few. Harm no one."

What ever, happened to compramise? Why is this a one way or the other argument?
Isn't comunication, and honesty THE most important thing in a relationship?
If something bothers you speek up, and say why it does. Use commen sense, in the age of the cell phone, a phone call informing you that they are alright and in from the night isn't controling. That's caring enough about some one enough, to aleaviate their worry.
I have done that, all of my long term ex's have done that.
If a small compramise like that is too much, then as far as I'm concered, that person doesn't respect you, which leads to another saying " Never prioritise anyone, who only makes you an after thought."

Chuchurillo, that’s spot on.

Most women are not seeking a night out where she is going to dance and interact with other guys, unless her boyfriend is invited and usually comes along with her. Regardless of their protests to the contrary, if a girls night out includes drinking and dancing with other guys, not coming home until the next day, and she doesn't wish to include her SO, more likely than not, in the back of her mind she is seeking a replacement or looking to get laid.

If a woman wants to get laid, what better excuse than a girls’ night out that includes a sleep over? When she is drinking and meeting/dancing with other guys, when she says she never cheats and that you are being controlling, it only means she doesn't want you asking questions or checking up on her so she has the space and freedom to meet other guys and maybe get laid.
 Smjle
Joined: 9/19/2006
Msg: 358
Girls Night Out
Posted: 3/23/2007 12:50:35 AM

Generally speaking, a "Girls night out" is guy-exclusive. I've seen and observed far too many "girls night out" situations to think otherwise.

By jove, I think he's got it!!!
GIRLS' Night Out
No guys.

In that case, the guy has no reason to object and should cool it.

Far too ofter disagreements are because the parties have a different defination of the terms.
 Dr.Strange
Joined: 3/6/2007
Msg: 359
Girls Night Out
Posted: 3/23/2007 4:53:11 PM
So say you are dating someone new that you are really crazy about! She says they are crazy for you and so on. Here is my question. Is it acceptable for her to go for a "Girls Night Out" with her friends who are single, to places she use to go with them when she was single, and drink like a fish(becuase we all know thats what single people do) and then sleep over at one of those single girlfriends houses after the bar?


Trust would be a factor for sure..I have no problem with Girls night out in a strong relationship I would encourage it,If She has had a few drinks and was a little tipsy..
...then ya I'd expect Her to make the right decision and sleep it off.
If I can't respect Her enough for being wise enough to make Her own decisions as an adult..maybe I shouldn't be with Her..JMO


edit:..Besides I'm probably gonna be out with da boys anyways kicking back a few.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 361
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Girls Night Out
Posted: 3/23/2007 5:10:28 PM
I've personally never gone out with the girls, or A girlfriend and had it be any more or less than enjoying each others' company. Doesn't have to be a bar...my friends and I have been approached in Denny's. It's not what the men do, it's how the women respond that is the OP's concern.
We enjoy our time out together and don't welcome distractions or intrusions. Not rude, but don't engage, either....much less LOOK for it.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 364
Girls Night Out
Posted: 3/27/2007 6:29:55 PM
I guess I'm a minority. I have NEVER enjoyed GNO, and stopped participating many many years ago. I simply see no need. I can have lunch with the girls, see them at the gym, visit them at home, etc. I simply see no need to go to a bar/club with a bunch of my girlfriends. When I used to agree to go, I was inevitably the purse-holder, cell-phone-answerer, and more often than not, the DD. Nope, for me ~ give me my man and a night out with other couples or just the two of us alone. The whole GNO thing just seems pointless to me. The odd thing ~ I have absolutely NO problem with my man going out with the guys. It's personal preference I suppose.
 Ron9
Joined: 8/10/2004
Msg: 365
Girls Night Out
Posted: 3/27/2007 7:31:29 PM
^^^

OMG - there is one left that considers her SO's feelings.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 366
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Girls Night Out
Posted: 3/27/2007 7:48:24 PM
"there is one left that considers her SO's feelings." Not the only one Ron, but I agree it's nice to see a couple that's respectful of their relationship.
I haven't gone out with the girls in awhile to a bar. Last time I did it was meeting some people, one girlpal from POF, to do karaoke.
When my sweetie was here last visit, I had found a British pub that has the soccer (football...they call it) league that his team plays in. We went there one evening for a visit and had a great time, he met some new mates, the owner of the bar. I'm sure once he moves here, he'll enjoy going and watching the games with his new friends.
If I did want to go out with the girls, he'd know where we were going, and likely wouldn't be out til all hours, and guarantee I wouldn't be drinking. And not because it would be because he wouldn't trust me at all, it's just that I'd rather not be out til the wee hours with a bunch of people who are slammed. I've gone out with the girls for lunch and been hit on...it's not just that it's a bar. And I've worked in them before, as my SO has, alcohol is the liquid courage for some. Doesn't affect me at all, I don't flirt and don't welcome it. Not rude, just know how to let someone know they're wasting their breath.
I can't think of anything I would do that my SO had any hesitations about that would be that important to me to cause him concern or worry. And only for my safety and well being.
Bottom line is we're happy, and I wouldn't worry about him being out, I took him to Hooters when he was here. It's just obvious to some here who's really happy and secure in their relationships and who aren't.
There are people who have problems with a jealous partner....I couldn't or wouldn't deal with that type of insecurity myself.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 369
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Girls Night Out
Posted: 11/20/2007 4:47:28 PM
"Our love continued to grow and we were married September 24 2006. We grow closer together every day and could not be happier. "

Wonderful news!! SOOO happy for you both.

Oh and thanks for the update (for those who read...haha!!)
 fancynanci
Joined: 8/21/2007
Msg: 370
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Girls Night Out
Posted: 11/20/2007 4:55:16 PM
Trust is the issue....you must trust the person you are with to be faithful to you.
 funnychk
Joined: 5/22/2007
Msg: 371
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Girls Night Out
Posted: 11/20/2007 5:50:11 PM
I know where you're coming from and you've gotta wonder. I wonder why he/she has to have a "girls" nite out at the bar, rather than a nite out with you.

I know it's healthy to let your significant other or girlfriend/boyfriend do their own thing. It's also important to have a life of your own as well.

The bigger question lies in how secure you feel about your relationship, do you believe she loves you and you fullfill all her needs? It's also a value thing, does she have any?

Either way let her do her thing but make sure you do your own thing too!!
 Ron9
Joined: 8/10/2004
Msg: 374
Girls Night Out
Posted: 11/23/2007 9:20:17 PM
OH NO .......

Who brought back this ......

“I do what I want to - with who I want to - when I want to and if you don’t like it you are a controlling azzhole” thread.

Just shoot me lol.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 376
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Girls Night Out
Posted: 11/23/2007 9:26:16 PM
Did anyone else read the update? Post 478?? He brought the thread back up to share the good news!! A happy ending!!

Wow...I'm happy for them, if you can't share in that or READ....a few posts!!

Thank GOD it's not reading comprehension...just an internet forum.
 english lass
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 377
Girls Night Out
Posted: 11/23/2007 9:35:35 PM
yes, i think it is controlling and presumptive to think that she should give up her friendships and/or usual activities with them, just because you don't think she should... the only reason for you to have input into that is if she were cheating on you during those times or that her "girls night out" s were so frequent as to drain away the time for your relationship with her.. neither of which appears to be the case..

(and btw. not all single people "drink like a fish", just a fyi ;))
 english lass
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 378
Girls Night Out
Posted: 11/23/2007 9:38:52 PM

********Update**********

I stopped by to see how my old thread was going (been a long run) and update anyone who may still be interested in what ended up happening.

I look back at this thread and realize how much I have grown since I started dating and even living on my own for that matter. I really am very sad that so many people simply do not understand what being in a monogamous relationship is all about. I think maybe it is because so few have found the person that makes them want to forsake all others.

I originally wanted advice about this matter because I felt such a strong connection to this woman I was seeing that I didn't want anything to disrupt our relationship. After getting posts that both agreed with my view point and were completely against it I made a major decision, DON'T ****ING LISTEN TO ANYONE BUT THE PERSON YOU ARE WITH.

What we found was that we both had problems, like everyone does. I had some insecurity issues and she had some independence issues. We both worked really hard on our own issues and kept friends and family out of the equation. Suddenly things seemed clear and my feelings of insecurity slipped away and I encouraged her to have Girls Night Out (without the staying the night elsewhere for safety reasons) and because I was ok with it, she realized that she didn’t need it and in fact it was not a practice that was conducive to a healthy relationship that might have a future.

Our love continued to grow and we were married September 24 2006. We grow closer together every day and could not be happier.

I have some advice for anyone who may be getting married.

1. Planning a wedding is extremely stressful for one reason and one reason only...everyone who has nothing to do with it wants to tell you what you should do.

2. When you find the right person you will not "need" time away from them that involves going to bars or clubs. If you feel you "need" that kind of space, you are not ready to move forward in the relationship.

3. Keep everything about your relationship to yourself and your S/O. Do not pull a classic Sex and the City and complain to your friends about everything your S/O does, this is not healthy and it makes them take your side and put a negative perspective on your relationship.


That’s it, thanks for all the hours of bad and worse advice...and the good as well.
I hope each of you can find just a small piece of happiness my wife and I have found.


The_Truth


good luck and much continued happiness to you both
 cooldude
Joined: 4/26/2004
Msg: 380
Girls Night Out
Posted: 12/5/2007 4:40:48 PM
There is nothing wrong with a girls night out, I even encourage it. But if we are talking about excessively, almost every night, showing up in the morning, then most people would probably have a problem with it. If the girls night out was only about going to bars to have fun, I might also be a little concerned with that too. I could see going to a bar one time, bowling the next, movies, ect. Its not only about trust, but also respecting the relationship you are currently in.
 Khamrun
Joined: 2/20/2008
Msg: 381
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Girls Night Out
Posted: 2/24/2008 3:03:56 AM
No, you're not "controlling" but maybe insecure. At what point do you start to "hang-out" where they go just to "see". Kick it to the curb, your feelings or her and stop waiting at home watching the clock. Sorry bud, you've gotta move on one way or another. Make up your mind.
 cw35
Joined: 4/8/2005
Msg: 385
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Girls Night Out
Posted: 2/25/2008 7:37:11 PM
Although you have no right to tell someone what to do, I do see your point. Getting drunk at a bar with a bunch of single guys and girls will probably lead to no good eventually and shows a lack of respect for your feelings. Personally, I wouldn't date someone who liked to get drunk and it sounds like you aren't much of a partier yourself. If I were you I would look at the bigger picture for you and your compatibility. Do you really want to be with someone who behaves in this manner?
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