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 chrisann23
Joined: 9/13/2008
Msg: 301
My Weight and My BoyfriendPage 13 of 16    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16)
Regardless of when the thread started, this is an ongoing debate.

A woman who is comfortable with herself at whatever weight shouldn't change herself for a man or to get a man. Either take me as I am or move on.

Now, if you want to lose weight for yourself, for your health, for your life, by all means explore possibilities. You cannot embrace the weight loss plan until you are ready, and not when someone else says you are.
 CountryRoadz
Joined: 10/4/2008
Msg: 302
My Weight and My Boyfriend
Posted: 10/13/2008 7:19:14 AM
Here is what I see:
1) Honey, please go starve yourself. No not cuz we need the money cuz youre fat
2) If you dont lose weight we are done, its over and I will turn the love switch off
3) If you are fat we will need a bigger apartment for you to fit in and I'm not doing it
4) Iam insecure so a girlfriend mus be a representation of me and cant be fat
5) All my girlfriends were pretty thin and were attractive to a broader range of men. Even though they were thin I critisized them about things and they left me because the broader range of men appreciated them.

Add yourself to his list and join the ex girlfriend club. Do you think he loves you like you love him? He is more worried about your weight so that in his eyes he doesnt look bad. Its not about you its about him. He wants to parade around with someome who other guys want so he can puff out his chest instead of puffing out his chest because you are an awesone women and he loves you so much.

If he focused on helping you because he loves you and wants you to be healthy and happy then maybe keep him but he's not.

ITS ALL ABOUT HIM.
 YoungHeartat59
Joined: 7/23/2008
Msg: 303
My Weight and My Boyfriend
Posted: 10/13/2008 9:04:41 AM
I understand you very well and if I was in that situation I would leave him and see what happens .If he loves you he will want you for who you are ,not your size !Its what is inside that is important and if that isn't there you have nothing ! He is trying to control you by telling you to starve yourself for him .You have to be happy in a relationship and there are lots of men out there who will love you no matter what size you are ! I am not slim and could not handle a man that would put me down for my weight .Life is too short to have someone on your back ,nagging you about something like weight .I would suggest you tell him you are leaving him and watch how fast he will come begging you to come back if he truly loves you !!
 corindan
Joined: 7/13/2008
Msg: 304
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My Weight and My Boyfriend
Posted: 10/13/2008 9:17:44 AM
As a guy, I say dump him. It is one thing to be concerned for your health, and want you to live longer, and happier, by losing some weight. It is another thing to be abusive about it. He should help you, not hurt you. Perhaps he thinks he is helping, in which case he needs more education. Starving makes your body hold onto the fat you have more, so it is more difficult to lose it. It will be easier to lose weight if you do not think, worry, and stress, about it. Accept yourself as is, and get a guy who can do likewise, and then relax, and the pounds will start coming off. If he is more worried about how you make him look/seem, it is time to dump him. Some guys actually prefer BBWs, and others-like me-can take them, or leave them. Some guys want nothing to do with them. Find a guy who likes you as you are, and does not feel the need to change you. If you were with me, I would do all I could to help you lose weight...if you decided that you wanted to lose it. I would also be fine with you staying the way you now are, or even gaining more. Weight/size are not that important to me. Honesty, sense of humor, etc, are. The women I've come closest to marrying have been BBWs, and they broke up with me; not me with them. In both cases, their families objected to my color. One was black, and another filipnia, while I am white. So, I know there are guys out here who will accet you just as you are, and not nag at you to change. Keep looking, and you will find one. When you do, grab him.
 notgonnatellyou
Joined: 8/12/2008
Msg: 305
My Weight and My Boyfriend
Posted: 10/13/2008 10:50:25 AM
I didn't feel like reading 4 years of posts before my reply, but I do have an opinion:


So I told him this is how I was when he first met me, he's the one who pursued me, and he should deal with it. If he doesn't like it, leave.


YAY! Exactly right! I hope by now you've ditched the jerk and found someone who can appreciate you for WHO you are!
 jackster121
Joined: 9/2/2008
Msg: 306
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My Weight and My Boyfriend
Posted: 10/13/2008 10:52:50 AM
Yo can't intimidate someone into losing weight. That causes stress which leads to comfort eating.
If you decide to lose weight do it for yourself only. It won't work if you are doing it for someone else.
He should be encouraging, understanding and supportive. He is not, time to go.
 ladylookingagain
Joined: 8/16/2008
Msg: 307
My Weight and My Boyfriend
Posted: 10/13/2008 11:03:35 AM
How did I cope? I divorced him...........

Now he sits alone in his raggy duplex while I have gone on to lose the weight because I no longer have him nagging at me and acting as if he's the food police. Oh and BTW, he's an alcoholic. Funny, he could harp on me about my "fatness" and how I ate like a man while he couldn't stay sober long enough to ever even drive a car past 4pm.

It's a form of mental abuse plain and simple. You didn't share with us what he's like but I bet he's got some kind of issue that he's trying to hide behind. First one that comes to mind is that he's a jacka**. Dump him and find someone who loves you for you, I certainly did.
 Sepia777
Joined: 2/26/2008
Msg: 308
My Weight and My Boyfriend
Posted: 10/13/2008 11:49:26 AM
It's pretty obvious this guy isn't looking for a relationship but instead a "trophy gf"...
He regards you much the same as that disposable douche (paris hiton) regards her pets.... as an "accessory" to make him look good... ugh

He does not care about either your emotional well being or health.. Think about it.. you would not tolerate a gf to berate you like this..abd advising you to "starce"yourself? so why put up with it with a so called boyfriend who claims to "love" you?

The fact that he is verbally abusive and feels free to insult you like that makes me only wonder not about him but about why you think so little of yourself to allow it.....

If he cared about you, he would be a positive force in your life encouraging you in a positive way to loose weight for health reasons in a healthy way..

I do not know your health situation of course but I do have a beautiful sister who happens to be overweight and I am well aware that her weight has contributed to a plethora of health concerns from high blood pressure to diabetes heart disease etc... I love her .. I would never berate her - Instead I try to motivate her in a non judgemental and positive way do get more active.. walking together with me .. give her new recipes ideas etc.... and guess what? she is feeling better about herself and loosing the weight..because she wants to and feels good about herself..

You can of course do the same when you feel good about yourself and dump the negative energy in your life.. your bf

This Sadist er boyfriend of yourself is doing the old carrot n stick routine.. berating you to loose weight but at the same time breaking your spirit so that you will only feel worse about yourself and eat more!!...

Do yourself a favor hun... Flush that jakal and love yourself more!
 firegurl61-17
Joined: 11/22/2006
Msg: 309
My Weight and My Boyfriend
Posted: 10/13/2008 12:29:29 PM
Tell him to kiss your beautiful fat ass and find someone who values you and doesn't treat you this way!
Believe it or not..you will naturally lose the weight when you lose the fathead...hes keeping you where you are...feeling bad about yourself! Walk out with your beautiful head high and shake your cosmic thang on the way out! YOU GO GIRL....don't let anyone treat you like this!
 BigDaddyJinx
Joined: 11/4/2006
Msg: 310
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My Weight and My Boyfriend
Posted: 10/13/2008 2:14:23 PM

So I told him this is how I was when he first met me, he's the one who pursued me, and he should deal with it. If he doesn't like it, leave.

Well this seems like a very dead topic, but I'll pipe up anyways and just pretend that she's still here lol.

OP - you said it all right there with just that one sentence. It's who you were when you two first hooked up, and he was the one that pursued you, so obviously he liked what he saw. That, or he saw good qualities and a weak enough spirit that he assumed he could "change" you, else he'd leave. It's a power trip. But you really said it all right there...if people don't like what they see, why did they bother in the first place? If the intent was to "change" you, why do people feel the need? It's stupid. That's like buying an expensive car and then 3 months later saying you don't like the color. Well you liked it enough to BUY the damn thing, but now you wanna change it?

Men and women who aim to "change" their mates are the ONLY ones that need changing...as in, direct reference to their attitudes.

I can relate to this in a personal way too. My ex fiance was overweight when we first met. I knew this, 'cause hey, I have eyes in my head. I didn't care. I pursued her (albeit briefly), only to find out that the pursuit was mutual and I just didn't see it. From the day we first got together, up to 5 years in, she gained weight. Still, this didn't faze me at all...she would often joke about losing weight, and I told her that she could do what she wants but if she lost too much (say, below the weight she was when we first met) that I'd have to reconsider staying with her. Her weight peaked at 206lbs (and I had long since proposed to her), and she finally decided that she wanted to lose weight.

Ask any man, and it's a catch 22 for them. This is one of those conversation pieces that a man NEVER EVER wants to engage in with their SO. EVER. I knew she wasn't joking this time, so I just told her that if she lost weight it would have to be because she wanted to, and this wasn't in any way an effort to please me. I even went as far as to ask her if there was ever any time that I gave her the impression that I wanted her to shed some weight. She said no, and she doesn't care about how *I* feel about it...she wanted to lose weight for her.

I liked who she was in the beginning. I liked who she was even at peak weight. The "man" you described in your story is no man at all. If you're concerned about the weight because he/she is unhealthy and it's clearly ruining or impairing their health, then yea, say something about it. If you're concern is what others think seeing her/him next to you out in public, then you need to get every square inch of your ass kicked. No man would ever expect his girl to starve herself to fit some "ideal" in the eyes of the world.

If people get disillusioned after the honeymoon period, which can and may happen, then it's natural to speak up. But tact counts for a lot. I don't see why people allow themselves to be pressured or belittled by their SO "for the sake of" the relationship. Once that relationship becomes toxic, you lose sympathy from most people because at that point, you're just allowing yourself to be hurt. People, both men and women, need to stand up for themselves and if they're not comfortable being belittled or bullied or berated...they need to speak up!

There is nobody important enough to reduce yourself to this kind of behaviour, by allowing someone to treat you like shit. The sooner people realize that he/she just ain't worth the powder to blow them to Hell, the better off we'd all be. No one should stay in a bullshit relationship (especially where abuses of the mind, finances or body are present) just because they don't wanna be alone. If you really think about it, staying in that type of relationship, you're already there...alone.

Stand up and shout. Get out. Leave. Why waste any time with someone who doesn't appreciate what they have?

Just my $0.02.

 starrz71
Joined: 10/2/2008
Msg: 311
My Weight and My Boyfriend
Posted: 10/13/2008 4:33:12 PM
First off..no matter if you are thick (as I) or thin..YOU have to LOVE yourself...It is what it is...If your health (like mine) is NOT in dire straits then you take your time to do what you need to do for you. He should not be the one to make you feel good about yourself. That is YOUR job. He should help you make yourself feel good. Support from him is what you need. And if he can not or refuses to give it to you...Honey tell him "there is the door..step..."
 honestspirit
Joined: 2/6/2008
Msg: 312
My Weight and My Boyfriend
Posted: 10/13/2008 5:21:55 PM
Sweetie I'm a larger girl myself and have never had a "di&%" treat me like that and I wouldn't take it if I ever come across one. You said you met him when you were larger than you are now. He obviously knew this when you met... duh! I only have one thing to say, kick the "dick" to the curb. Don't let him make you feel less a woman because of his insecurities. The next time he says something to you about your weight stand up for yourself and tell him if he doesn't like how you look, tell him he's a****and hit the pavement, otherwise you'll live up to your "big girl" status and throw him against the pavement. I don't usually advocate violence but a girl can only take so much.
Then enjoy your new status as sexy "single" woman on the prowl for a new one.****that is.
 SamuraiPixie
Joined: 9/12/2008
Msg: 313
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My Weight and My Boyfriend
Posted: 10/13/2008 6:28:10 PM
My advice to you, given what I do for living, is much along the same lines as the other wise people on here, dump the loser, this relationship is toxic on so many levels, it would take me an hour, to type it all out. The bottom line is that if he is this emotionally abusive, never mind the fact, that his suggestions for you to starve yourself, are completely above and beyond merely twisted, but show a complete and total disregard for your health, or well-being, physically or otherwise, if his needs or desires are in direct contradiction to your own, to include your medical well-being. This man is being abusive to you, these are your words, and clearly your feeling, do you honestly think he's going to stop with just this sort of abuse? Abuse typically, and statistically, increases the longer it's allowed to continue, do you really want to be on the receiving end of a beating when his emotional abuse is no longer enough for him to feel "superior" to you, and he needs a bigger fix?? People, men and women alike, who degrade their partners in this manner have serious, and severe issues, it is one thing to sit down with your partner and have a compassionate discussion about your concerns for their health if their health is being adversely affected by their weight, or diet, or what have you, it is quite another thing to bludgeon your partner with demands of "starve yourself", this shows neither concern or compassion, but more so, evidences a single-minded desire to diminish your overall well-being, physical, emotional and otherwise, and a more than likely the singular desire to degrade you. No one deserves to be able to do that to you, let alone a miscreant who cares only about himself and what he wants. His statement to you to, "starve yourself", is pretty indicative of some severe emotional immaturity issues. You can do far better, give yourself the chance to do better, and you will get better, but you're the only one that can want that for yourself.

Suz
 duqdukes99
Joined: 7/31/2007
Msg: 314
My Weight and My Boyfriend
Posted: 10/14/2008 8:23:24 AM
There's almost no point to me even saying anything here because it's been said 1,000 times over already, but all I will say is get away from him before he breaks you down and you're a mess for the rest of your life. As for the weight, that's your call.

God Bless
 sheilarodri
Joined: 10/7/2007
Msg: 315
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History
My Weight and My Boyfriend
Posted: 10/16/2008 7:47:12 AM
Tell him he can fix the weight problem it will only cost $16,000 for a lap band hope he has lots of money or really good credit.
And another 4-5 thousand for the new wardrobe.
 Rachelle~C
Joined: 6/30/2008
Msg: 316
My Weight and My Boyfriend
Posted: 10/16/2008 9:13:07 AM
Debeers is nothing but a troll and is only making comments like this to make waves. I have no doubt in my mind that he is a 455 pound man who still lives in his mommies basement surrounded by all his star wars actions figures and a collection of over 2000 superhero comic books. By all means pay no attention to him.


I see the op is no longer here, but women face this issue all the time so I will speak to all other women facing the same issue. First of all he knew you were big when he met you so if he accepted you enough to chase then it's ridiculous for him to expect you to lose the weight now. By all means ladies get that full length mirror another poster talked about but stand in it and learn to love yourself as you are right now. Love every single part of yourself. Don't ever stop doing this also. Learn to be comfortable with your naked body and all it's flaws.


If someone wants to lose weight then by all means do so , but don't feel it is necessary unless you doctor tells you so. Studies prove that for a woman a little extra weight in the tummy,hips and thighs is actually healthy for a woman. Now I am not talking about 80 extra pounds in that area but more like 15 to 2o pounds. Also the magic number of waist size for a woman to indicate good health is 34 inches and under. You can be a plus sized lady and still be healthy. Being overweight does not automatically indicate that you are sick and unhealthy. That's just what popular culture would like you to believe. No I am not saying morbid obesity is healthy , but a little extra chub is fine.
 girlwillbegirl
Joined: 4/25/2007
Msg: 317
My Weight and My Boyfriend
Posted: 10/16/2008 10:56:07 AM
If he didn't find you attractive right at the start, why on earth did he get involved with you? It doesn't make any sense to me. But people are always trying to change other people. Why?? CONTROL. On the other hand, try to lose the weight because it will make YOU feel better, you will be healthier and have good self esteem. But don't do it for him.
 2emesoog
Joined: 10/2/2008
Msg: 318
My Weight and My Boyfriend
Posted: 10/16/2008 11:13:58 AM
If you want to loose 150 #, dump him!
 Athena82
Joined: 9/7/2005
Msg: 319
My Weight and My Boyfriend
Posted: 10/16/2008 12:11:44 PM
You should never have a guy tell you things like that, ever. It is abuse. I coped by packing my shit up and leaving, it took me a minute or two to do so because I was afraid to do it there were some other shady things.. if you will... going on in one of my previous relationships but yes, a guy should never say things. He can politely ask if he cares about you but this guy seems to not give a shit. **** him and **** the shit that spews from his mouth you don't need him.
Leave him plain and simple. You can lose weight on your own without him and once you do you can find someone that appreciates you weather you are big small thick thin crazy sane or anything else you can think of.
 Gaddflye
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 320
My Weight and My Boyfriend
Posted: 10/16/2008 1:19:16 PM
Do yourself a favor and lose some weight for your own good. Do not let your feelings about how he approached you about it affect you one way or the other.
 flowerforce
Joined: 9/6/2006
Msg: 321
My Weight and My Boyfriend
Posted: 10/16/2008 1:48:36 PM
Lose weight because it is healthy to do so not because your boyfriend wants you to. I once dated a fellow who thought I was big. I wore a size eight at the time and am five feet one inch tall so I looked pretty good. I got tired of hearing this from him . So I made him a deal. He was five feet six inches tall. I told him that if he grew two inches I would lose ten pounds. He never spoke of it again. I also was once interviewed by a fellow who wanted to know what my weight was because he wanted to date only thin women. So I asked him about the size of his penis. I told him I only wanted to date men with big penises. he could not handle that. My point here is a persons dimensions are not a criteria for loving. I think your boyfriend is behaving like a jerk to you. His behaviour is not loving it is insensitive, disrespectful and uncaring and is bordering on abuse. There are a lot of wonderful loving men out there. Put him back in the pond and go fishing.
 FeatherHues
Joined: 3/9/2007
Msg: 322
My Weight and My Boyfriend
Posted: 10/16/2008 2:09:49 PM
First- Break the relationship.
Second- Try to lose the weight carefullly and healthy minded...you'll feel better
Third- After the weight loss and the New You emerges.... pass him in a store ,
cordially shake your buttocks, (cute as it is) as you walk away from him..
letting him get a good look at the New You............
Fourth- Get around the next corner, out of sight...... and smile and grin real big.

Fifth- Feel Good ... the rest of the day, maybe into the next.

Good Luck Lady!
 KitKat1959
Joined: 10/13/2008
Msg: 323
My Weight and My Boyfriend
Posted: 10/16/2008 5:28:40 PM
You will forever feel this pressure with him. I am a big girl as well. My ex accepted me as I was but then was more subtle than your other half that maybe I should lose a few pounds. I found that very hurtful. I did get into weight lifting and lost several pounds and became very fit at one point. He was never someone overweight by a lot but could have lost a few pounds himself for health reasons but I put so much pressure on myself that whenever I started to gain weight I felt awful. I tried and tried and couldn't keep it off and his constant eating of junk food in front of me didn't help. His reply was always....you're the one on the diet so why should I do without. I'm 49 years old now and married and divorced three times to men who were not very sensitive to my weight. Two of my ex's have since hit the middle age spread themselves and the latest now has a girlfriend 10 years younger than him and he's the one losing weight to keep up with her. Do you really want to put yourself through all that. Dump him and move on...you'll just be constantly putting that pressure on yourself. If you want to lose weight then do it for yourself and no one else. Do it for your health. I'm new to this site so I put on there "a few extra pounds" and I have promised myself to be honest with anyone who contacts me. I don't want to put myself into another relationship based on my size at the time because I know from my past I can put it on quickly and the older you get the harder it is to take it off and keep it off. You are a person, you are beautiful inside and out no matter what someone else says. He is abusing you...don't take it...get out now!!!
 Gaddflye
Joined: 9/10/2008
Msg: 324
My Weight and My Boyfriend
Posted: 10/16/2008 6:33:56 PM
He may or may not have been "abusing" you. He may have been trying to do you a favor by shocking you into losing weight. One thing is for certain, you are abusing your body by being obese, so lose weight!
 ariatlady
Joined: 9/27/2008
Msg: 325
My Weight and My Boyfriend
Posted: 10/16/2008 7:25:35 PM
I never had a weight problem UNTIL I hit mid forties and was put on medication for arthritis. I had two worn out arthritic hips that needed replaced. I toughed it out for 15 years-in pain, depressed, and overweight because I couldn't move or have an activity level like I previously had. People were rude to me and told me to my face that I was fat, ugly, and repulsive. I had people to tell me that I needed to quit eating. Obviously, not everyone has weight problems that are related to food. Mine was medication and side effects. People need to put their brains in gear before they put their mouths in motion.

One of these "charming" people who was continually disrepectful was a guy that I dated. Long story short, I had both hips replaced, regained my life and activity level, lost almost 90 pounds and have kept it off. All of the superficial people that had no time for me have started to come around. I have point blank told them that if they didn't have time for me before, then I certainly don't have time for them now and to go away henceforth and forever more.

Girl, you need to dump him. Tell him to "hit the trail". You are better off at home without the verbal abuse and the deplorable treatment that you are tolerating. Under no circumstances do you have to put up with that BS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There is someone out there who will appreciate you for you! Without all of the superficial guidelines that society has deemed as necessary criteria for dating or courtship.

No one deserves to be talked to or treated like an inferior life form because of extra weight. Period.
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