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 AUTHOR
 *topchef*
Joined: 8/2/2008
Msg: 294
Why is a decent girlfriend so hard to find? Page 5 of 23    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23)

then they just can't let go.


Believe me...some of us can, very easily.

When you guys start looking at women as individuals instead of grouping us into one lot, you might actually find one that has their act together. Maybe it is what you are attracting. In other words, its not them, it really is YOU.
 FunkTheMillenium
Joined: 7/11/2010
Msg: 295
Why is a decent girlfriend so hard to find?
Posted: 7/24/2010 7:55:44 PM
a girlfriend in general is so ****ing hard to find.
 FunkTheMillenium
Joined: 7/11/2010
Msg: 300
Why is a decent girlfriend so hard to find?
Posted: 2/12/2011 12:52:56 AM
^^^^ LOL they can try and fix us good guys into bad guys...

no more Mr Nice Guy then...
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 303
view profile
History
Why is a decent girlfriend so hard to find?
Posted: 2/14/2011 6:21:45 PM
What does this have to do with decency? This has become a discussion of manipulation techniques. I sort of approve of such, in that people who LIKE to be manipulated, who hook up with people who like to manipulate them , would logically be a good match. It would also tend to take both kinds out of the mix for those of us who prefer real, straight-forward people, and that's better for us.
 Angel4314
Joined: 3/19/2010
Msg: 306
Why is a decent girlfriend so hard to find?
Posted: 3/10/2011 9:38:36 PM
Well to me u are the very few men that feels that way. From my experience it's the men who treats a woman badly. I know what I want from a relationship.. Honesty, respect and so forth. The guys that I meet on here are mostly liars they use their children as scapegoats to get out of a potential relationship. The men who I meet are online to meet and date and yet when they feel that it's not right for them they use the most pathetic excuse ever made. They use their children in hopes that the woman will feel sorry for them. They don't have the balls and say "hey we're not right for each and therefore we can't persue this" or something to that effect. But don't use ur children as a way out plllease... I think men are even more crazier of being on a dating site and run for the hills when the going gets tough and it's not even tough. Too many men are so afraid of relationships and if they are afraid why bother going on a dating site?? Is it because some men are cheap to hire a hooker so why not get it free from a dating site! They also mentioned that women should not be jaded from past experiences when in fact it's the men that are jaded from past experiences. They compare the women they meet on here to their ex's and run the other way and not giving the new girl a chance. That's my loonies worth on here could be more.. Lol!
 Angel4314
Joined: 3/19/2010
Msg: 309
Why is a decent girlfriend so hard to find?
Posted: 3/11/2011 3:06:08 PM
Thanks for the feedback guys. I guess there's always one or two bad apple amongst us.
Happy fishing everyone!
 parkavenuepearls
Joined: 10/31/2006
Msg: 310
Why is a decent girlfriend so hard to find?
Posted: 3/13/2011 7:25:32 PM
Because all self-professed "nice guys" come off as weird and needy. "Nice guy" is not even a quality as much as a euphemism for "low self-confidence." Don't believe me ... Has any woman in her profile ever said, "Looking for "nice guy?" Thereefore the proverbial NG is only going to attract women with lower self-confidence than himself ... which is not exactly going to equal "decent girlfriend."
 merelymortal
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 311
Why is a decent girlfriend so hard to find?
Posted: 3/14/2011 3:09:43 PM

Because all self-professed "nice guys" come off as weird and needy. "Nice guy" is not even a quality as much as a euphemism for "low self-confidence." Don't believe me ... Has any woman in her profile ever said, "Looking for "nice guy?" Thereefore the proverbial NG is only going to attract women with lower self-confidence than himself ... which is not exactly going to equal "decent girlfriend."


The bimbo test: I'm nice, she runs away = bimbo

That a woman ran away from a relationship with me for liking her too much and being kind does not mean that there is something wrong with me, it means she has emotional issues or is basically just using relationships to conceal her slutness.
 merelymortal
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 312
Why is a decent girlfriend so hard to find?
Posted: 3/14/2011 3:13:22 PM

women really need to grow up and change their ways of thinking. that kind of thnking is why they do only attract idiots that go and cheat on them with their best friends.


don't hold your breath

Now that they have all the freedom to live independently from men, why do they need us?

If they can get laid on the regular outside of relationships, not get pregnant, and be without a man to ask them to do extra stuff, why wouldn't they?

They're not gonna change, they're gonna get worse.

Its men who need to change and realize that women who are looking for a man who is "not nice" really aren't much good for anything but sex, so learn to identify these female sexual predators, enjoy them, don't expect more, and you'll be fine.
 merelymortal
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 314
Why is a decent girlfriend so hard to find?
Posted: 3/14/2011 8:38:44 PM
The whole "nice guy" and "a-hole" crap is just wrong. Depending on the woman a guy is with, or was just with, he can be either. I know this because I've been there. I can also explain the real reason why this happens today so often.

Basically, just like women, men now have to ask: does she want me for a relationship or just want me for sex?

As a nice guy I've gotten laid before and it turned out I was just being used, which led to me becoming an a-hole, its cyclical. I can't be relationship material unless I'm nice and civil and respectful. I can't be out of the friends zone unless I'm an a-hole (cocky, sexually dominant, emotionally apathetic, confusing and novel).

The whole idea that a-holes are always a-holes is not true. Basically, whenever a guy cares about a girl and cares if she leaves he is labeled a "nice guy" in this thread. It will happen to every a-hole eventually that he will run into the perfect storm of a **** and she will wreck him emotionally. Quit worshipping the fake "coolness" of apathy like its something worth aspiring to, it's not. All the a-holes are just a-holes because they were nice guys at one point or another and got ****ed over. Its better to have loved and lost, sure, but to love and loose and become a a-hole isn't better than finding true love and not spreading STDs, hurting nice girls, or making unwanted children.

Relationships in our society are screwed up now because men cannot be "men" without being ***holes. If they are nice/cultured/civil/real, most women will naturally overlook them because they are not forced to be attracted to cultured and civil men like they used to be before the democratization of sex, and sexual equality.

If you think running around rubbing up against random women for pleasure is what finding love is all about, then you're shallow, foolish, stupid, and weak minded; not strong. Definitely not classy, or cultured for sure.
 merelymortal
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 316
Why is a decent girlfriend so hard to find?
Posted: 3/15/2011 6:34:16 PM

merelymortal: The two examples I brought up were only merely two examples of an array of personalities out there. By no means does it mean a guy has to only be either or of the two.


Then we are both on the same page. I just want to start moving the conversation in a better direction than people use in general when they use language that is not really accurate. In real life there are a-holes sure, but summing types of people into categories and saying one is better than the other when there is really no objective way of doing that anymore seems intellectually dishonest.

Some people are OK with sleeping around and not being committed. I don't think there is anything wrong with that kind of relationship.

The bad thing is when a relationship is "exclusive" and one of the people in the relationship is not affected whatsoever by "oneitis" and is really still shopping around and planning the failure of the relationship in advance. That's using somebody!



*Disclaimer: To discern a genuine woman from an un-genuine woman (you know, one who may only want to use you for a couple night stands or any other material and/or emotional possesssion of yours) -- You will have to actually use your noggin here and do not blissfully brush off any red flag signs that may and will come back to haunt you.


True, but as I mentioned in my post it is hard to really see the signs because it is unclear what women want from men now just as much as what men want from women, and women can be just as dishonest!

There are red flags, but some people are really good at hiding them. Everyone has issues, almost everybody has been burned by an ex in some way or some form. There is really no clear way to tell if they have dealt with their issues or not. Maybe we should devote this thread to pointing out red flags?

Love is complicated, but not impossible. It's definitely more complex than summing people up as "real" or "game players". We are all real and we are all game players. This is why I tend to look away from women who mention crap like that in their profiles:



Tell me: How attractive do you find women who get burned and complain and whine about how "all men are jerks" or "all men are cheating **stards" , blah blah blah ..... Just ask yourself that and you will know how women feel about men who whine & complain about "women wanting a-holes over the nice guy" .


good point! there's a red flag!
 merelymortal
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 317
Why is a decent girlfriend so hard to find?
Posted: 3/15/2011 6:40:04 PM
MrFication:
Some of the flakes can put on a great act.


Yes! So lets start making observations about that!
 magicallaroundme
Joined: 3/9/2011
Msg: 318
Why is a decent girlfriend so hard to find?
Posted: 3/15/2011 10:22:53 PM

How do you know if woman wants you or not unless you pursue her?
You don't. What you do know is that if she is not pursuing you, then she can't be worth having. Try to make a point of ignoring those who ignore you. That will be most. The only acceptable solution for the benefit of your psyche is to invest your attention on those who do seek it. Be the solution. There are a lot of "nice" girls out there who are working hard to get a mans attention. For ONCE let their efforts pay off and see to it that these "nice" girls win out. There will be one less girl out there who is muttering to herself how it is all so unfair. You yourself will not be sorry if you give a nice girl an even break and discard the "hard-to-get". She won't let you regret it.


The next time we hung out, I held her hand and kissed her on the cheek, and for some reason she was offended and went home.


If she wasn't forcing herself on you after 20 minutes then you had no business going there.


Was I a "nice guy" or was I an "a-hole"? I don't think having good manners and being police automatically make you a sissy.

They are one and the same. "Nice guy" dilemma in a nutshell: Females do not and never have responded to "nice guys". "Nice guy" tactics were meant to impress a girl's father not her herself. It used to be that dad had the last word on who his daughter would be with. Not so anymore. Many men are using an outdated paradigm to attract women today. It doesn't work anymore -- dad is out of it.

The reason a-holes can attract girls is not because they are a-holes but because they are NOT "nice" Nice is ALWAYS unattractive a-holes may be but are not necessarily unattractive. The a-holes are not handicapped by being nice. They have NO chance against a guy is both accomplished and also not "nice" -- say James Bond.
 magicallaroundme
Joined: 3/9/2011
Msg: 319
Why is a decent girlfriend so hard to find?
Posted: 3/15/2011 11:55:52 PM

I hope that was pure sarcasm, otherwise it makes no sense.

Dead serious. She should be also. Anybody is is attempting to put you through a bunch of hoops will never be worth it. DON'T... I repeat ... DON'T waste your time on distant ambivalence. If she isn't wildly enthusiastic at the start, then flush her. That is the very summit of her interest. It will only lessen over time and she will deal you dirt eventually because she doesn't want you -- period. A woman will stop at nothing -- nothing -- to get with a man she wants. If you don't see her moving heaven and earth to get with you, then it is safe to assume she doesn't want you. You wind up being an annoyance to her at best.


but I give most girls a chance. I always respond to all my mail and I think you should meet someone in person before forming an opinion about them. I'm not holding out for a woman that looks like a barbie doll, I just enjoy being around women that are pleasant to be around.

Right idea but wrong implementation. You are indicating that you would ACCEPT someone who isn't a barbie doll. Passive and also a tad insulting. Just because I think the girl has to be totally into you doesn't mean that you get to be restrained. You need to really work out in your mind who could and would set you afire and return any overtures from such a girl IN KIND.

If you aren't stiff as a poker every time you think of her, then do her a favor and pass her by. None of this forming an opinion crap. She puts her self forth then she deserves the best you got without exception.
 magicallaroundme
Joined: 3/9/2011
Msg: 320
Why is a decent girlfriend so hard to find?
Posted: 3/16/2011 12:27:01 AM
^^^^
Evidently I misunderstood what you said. We have a like mind on this one.
 Angel4314
Joined: 3/19/2010
Msg: 321
Why is a decent girlfriend so hard to find?
Posted: 3/16/2011 9:15:35 PM
If she isn't wildly enthusiastic at the start, then flush her. That is the very summit of her interest. It will only lessen over time and she will deal you dirt eventually because she doesn't want you -- period. A woman will stop at nothing -- nothing -- to get with a man she wants. If you don't see her moving heaven and earth to get with you, then it is safe to assume she doesn't want you.

Are you kidding me?? From the stuff that I have been reading from let's say Christian Carter the "Mr. Relationship Guru" He says that woman cannot pursue the man because men get turned off, it's the "Man who must do the hunting".. or is "Mr. Relationship Guru" wrong about this?

I'm not the one who moves Heaven on earth to get the man she want's (but I would like to) but if I really like the guy I'm cautious as not to scare them away. And I've been very careful and I still scare them away lol! So how should we woman act towards a man if we do like them? I'm now one very confused lady... LOL! They say give them space,, oh I give them space, they say don't mention anything about commitment, "mum's the word! Commitment?? Never heard of it. Then they slowly disappear,, and then after a month or two they re-appear again?? What the?? Either I'm confused or they're totally confused!
 merelymortal
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 323
Why is a decent girlfriend so hard to find?
Posted: 3/16/2011 10:27:48 PM

Are you kidding me?? From the stuff that I have been reading from let's say Christian Carter the "Mr. Relationship Guru" He says that woman cannot pursue the man because men get turned off, it's the "Man who must do the hunting".. or is "Mr. Relationship Guru" wrong about this?


He is wrong. Women have always been, and especially today are the selectors. Sure, men approach, but we put on a show to get attention. Some of us don't have to put up a show because we are talked about by other women, which increases interest in all women about us.

Men only pursue when we don't really care, or when we know we can get what we want. This means we either don't really care if the woman we approach likes us at all, or when we already know she does.

The problem men have now is that women can play the same game. This overcomplicates relationships and is the reason why now the divorce rate and statistics of relationship are so messed up and conflict prone.


I'm not the one who moves Heaven on earth to get the man she want's (but I would like to) but if I really like the guy I'm cautious as not to scare them away. And I've been very careful and I still scare them away lol! So how should we woman act towards a man if we do like them? I'm now one very confused lady... LOL! They say give them space,, oh I give them space, they say don't mention anything about commitment, "mum's the word! Commitment?? Never heard of it. Then they slowly disappear,, and then after a month or two they re-appear again?? What the?? Either I'm confused or they're totally confused


Gender roles are over. Do you think that gays sit around wondering who should pursue who? No. What they do is mutually seduce one another.

Women can seduce men and keep their respect, as long as they don't run around town seducing other men. If you like a man and think he is a keeper there is no shame in doing so.

Just don't come across as a female version of a male pick-up-artist like my ex. She was the type of girl who will come into a man's life and work on him until he gives her his heart and then she throws it on a grill, and runs off with her next victim.
 magicallaroundme
Joined: 3/9/2011
Msg: 324
Why is a decent girlfriend so hard to find?
Posted: 3/16/2011 10:30:47 PM

Are you kidding me?? From the stuff that I have been reading from let's say Christian Carter the "Mr. Relationship Guru" He says that woman cannot pursue the man because men get turned off, it's the "Man who must do the hunting".. or is "Mr. Relationship Guru" wrong about this?


Yes, Christian Carter is wrong about this... or more precisely he is not taking into account the present fad for perceived "neediness" that is going on at this very second. He was right when that wasn't a factor and will be right again when the current fad is over. However until the day comes that a casual hello isn't tarred as evidence of puking need then it is up to the girl to make the initial effort. For a man to do it, it is the portent of doom. For a girl it is often risky... I grant you... but no longer fatal.

Another thing about Christian Carter... He excels in giving good advice about how to engage a certain kind of man. On that specific type, the aloof commitment phobe, he is without peer. Other kinds, he is more hit and miss. There are just as many men who are rushing into relationships at light speed. Carter is no doubt aware of them and probably knows how to deal effectively with that sort too. But they are not his chosen domain nor are they particularly popular with his audience.
 merelymortal
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 326
Why is a decent girlfriend so hard to find?
Posted: 3/16/2011 11:04:54 PM
magicallaroundme:
If she wasn't forcing herself on you after 20 minutes then you had no business going there.


This is not true. If she is preoccupied with a man she is currently with and you can get a foot in the door for when things are not great or end with him, then you are "there" so to say afterward. Even women who turn you down as a mate now can take you on as a mate later when their situation has changed.
 merelymortal
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 327
Why is a decent girlfriend so hard to find?
Posted: 3/16/2011 11:13:54 PM
magicallaroundme:

Another thing about Christian Carter... He excels in giving good advice about how to engage a certain kind of man.


yes, he is giving advice about alpha males. A-holes. He is trying to explain to women how to get and keep a man who is not interested in keeping a woman. Inevitably, it end in failure unless she puts way more into a relationship than he ever will, he will leave her without ever considering any of this. She's wasting her time listening to him in the first place.

No woman ever really gets an Alpha male, otherwise, he isn't an alpha. It's insane to me why women keep searching for them in civilized society other than that those women are stupid.
 magicallaroundme
Joined: 3/9/2011
Msg: 328
Why is a decent girlfriend so hard to find?
Posted: 3/16/2011 11:14:59 PM

Maybe I'm in the minority of women out there but I have never nor do I plan to "stop at nothing to get a man I want". ..... By all means I will let him know I am interested, but to go to the extreme of not letting anything stop me from doing that, well for starters if he is doesn't reciprocate nor show signs of interest back then umm, no point of me going there -- no matter how much he may be the man that I desire. ... That would be obsessing no? ...

To me its pretty much very simple, and this applies across the board: If signs of interest is not reciprocated or if one party has to go to great lengths to get their interest across (aka: chasing) then this definitely is NOT the type of relationship I am interested in. If a guy has ever had to "chase" me -- then there is something definitely wrong in that picture. If I liked him in the same way, he would never have to use such extreme measures to get his point across. Doing so means he did not get the message that I was not interested and he is now teetering on the the borderline of obsession.

I don't play mind games nor do I tolerate it. None of us should either really.


You don't seem to be too far away from what we are talking about. Nobody is talking games here or obsession. Just a mutually reciprocated escalation on interest. It may have seemed we were talking about a unilateral female banzai charge but I assure you that is not what was understood between us guys. The kind of thing that you describe was exactly what we were referring to. It is taking note of the rapidity and the end state of the interaction that is what we are looking to. For instance:

A guy sits at a bar next to a girl.
She says "Hi".
He smiles and swivels his chair toward her
She plays with a coin in front of her.
He starts telling a bad joke.
She forces herself to laugh and gives him a playful swat.
He chuckles and asks he her name.
She tells him and turns her chair to face him.
after about a half an hour of banter things are heated.
She is telling a story and grabs him by the forearms.
He turns his head to listen better and give her some verbal feedback.
She takes a sip from his glass. etc...

That stuff can and does happen rapidly. Whenever it does, it is a good sign. The guy should... MUST match her step for step. She is inserting herself into his ken and he should be inviting her the whole time. If she is all "Ho hum. Humor is for the indolent of mind. I prefer verisimilitude." Then leave off he should and not look back.
 merelymortal
Joined: 11/24/2009
Msg: 329
Why is a decent girlfriend so hard to find?
Posted: 3/16/2011 11:19:48 PM
^^^^^^^^^^^ thats true. But I think we are still disagreeing what a decent woman is.

Lets say said woman was into the man enough to go home with him and even be"exclusive" and meet the family and everything, but really, she was always looking around for her next man.

That aint decent imo.
 magicallaroundme
Joined: 3/9/2011
Msg: 330
Why is a decent girlfriend so hard to find?
Posted: 3/16/2011 11:35:28 PM
^^^^
Yes. We are definitely agreed on that. Are we agreed that anyone we would consider decent would necessarily be drawn from the pool of ebulliently interested?
 magicallaroundme
Joined: 3/9/2011
Msg: 332
Why is a decent girlfriend so hard to find?
Posted: 3/17/2011 12:54:46 AM

Those words are a little extreme in using to describe how woman might show interest don't you think?


I think it can be said that most intelligent, confident, self-respecting women will show interest with straighforward communication and/or signs but this DOES NOT mean that they are going to use such extreme measures of throwing themselves at you either. ........ Believe me, MOST self-respecting women will know where her boundaries stand.


No, I don't think they are extreme. It should be expected. I am not asking anyone to respect themselves. I am asking that they invest... in totality. As for intelligence and confidence... a guy should reserve them for himself. The girl should cede all instances to him or be regarded as too butch.

She has the option of not going along with it. Most don't. Men should not count on them doing so... most women are NOT relationship material. Still those that do go along should be seriously considered and even treasured.

It is right and proper that a man cherish a woman. Both parties need to facilitate the conditions that make it possible.
 magicallaroundme
Joined: 3/9/2011
Msg: 334
Why is a decent girlfriend so hard to find?
Posted: 3/17/2011 2:02:04 AM

Though there are men and women out there who are willing to bend over backwards bc they believe that method proves the intensity of their interest. ...... If it works for them, then more power to them. .. .... Just that from my own experiences I never found the need to resort to that extreme to garner attention from a man I desired. .... (Dont get me wrong, I'm not saying "its so easy for me to get attention" -- what I am saying is with proper common-sense communication, demonstrating one's intention doesn't have to be such an obstacle)

I don't doubt that for even a second. Even if you had said "It is so easy for me to get attention", I have no reason to dismiss that either. There is nothing inherently wrong with how you do things. Only do realize that there are other styles and I endorse a particular one. That in no way means that you cannot succeed by using yours.

I don't represent all men only a small cadre of like minded ones. That the less demonstrative approach that you employ may not pan out on us, it will on many many others who hold other thoughts dear. You can rightfully say, "eh, your loss" unabashedly. You wouldn't like our kind anyway. If you can honestly say "more power to them" (the ones who bend over backwards as you describe) then I can say you are being very fair minded and you do impress me much on that level.
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