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 RFlagg
Joined: 10/21/2005
Msg: 3
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Trust IssuesPage 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Mindy, the first thing I think you should do is sit down with yourself and define what it is you think is "cheating". Look through the other threads here where this topic has been discussed numerous times for additional opinions.

Then, once you are comfortable with your definition, make sure that before you enter any new "relationship" you discuss what is on your list. If he agrees, great, but if he does not, then maybe you will have to review what those things mean to you, or move on to someone else who has the same feelings as you do.


Some Anecdotes:
I was discussing my own marital failure years ago with a good friend and he asked, "Do you ever look at other women?"

"Of course I 'look'," I said, "so does she [my ex], but we never 'touch'."

He said point blank, "If I ever looked at another woman, my wife would leave me, and if she ever looked at another man, I would leave her."

I have since confirmed this statement with her. They have been happily married for close to 25 years and have a tremendous family life. And in their relationship, even looking at someone else would be "cheating".


Another couple I know (and actually, I know a few couples like this), they could have sex with other people if they wanted. "Swingers" is the common term. They love each other deeply, but they do not see sexual monogamy as a requirement for happiness.


There are some people (women included!) who think that sex with an ex is okay, even when involved with someone new. It is not cheating because you have had sex with them before. (Personally, I will never understand some of this logic, but that is what was told to me.)


Several couple I know "play" outside of the relationship. There are specific limits on what is acceptable and what is not. The kind of play varies from mild "adult-play" that does not involve sex to explorations of homosexual fantasies (it is not cheating because she is not with another MAN) to full-blown participation in elaborate sexual fantasies involving everything you could imaging including multiple sexual partners at the same time.


One friend of mine complains about her husband's use of pornography, while she engages in erotic chat on the Internet. I ask her if that is not hypocritical, to which she says that, "if he is going to do that, I am going to do this". While it might be working for them, I do not consider that attitude all that healthy.


And amongst all the other couples I know, there is a varying degree of tolerance for many other kinds of potential cheating.


So, make yourself a list of things you would consider acts of infidelity. It is amazing to me sometimes how different two peoples' opinions can be on this subject. If you think that only sleeping with ... okay, I will be more specific ... vaginal or anal intercourse with another woman is cheating, then everything up to that is okay. On the other hand, if you think that your man should not even look at another woman, then there is a very long list of things that would be unacceptable. (All forms of sex of course which might or might not include masturbation, dating, flirting, cyber-sex or erotic chat, viewing pornography, having a 'wandering eye', etc. etc.).


And remember ... whatever you expect of him, it is only fair that he would expect it of you.


Good Luck!
 uneekguy
Joined: 10/15/2005
Msg: 6
Trust Issues
Posted: 12/27/2005 7:16:28 AM
Well it takes 2 to enter a relationship and 2 to break it. Nobody runs to another person....they usually run away from a person because that person didn't furnish something that was needed. Find out what your inadequacies are and work on them.
 small*mtn*lake
Joined: 12/12/2005
Msg: 9
Trust Issues
Posted: 12/27/2005 8:51:58 AM
Hi flh,
Ummm trust, yeah I struggle with that too ! My philosophy is that you really can't change what you get, but you can understand it better. So give him plenty of slack and if it's enough he will hang. It is a laissez faire approach but you will come to know the truth.
 arri
Joined: 10/5/2005
Msg: 11
Trust Issues
Posted: 12/27/2005 9:12:36 AM
Trust is one of those things that needs to be built ... not earned. If you are one of those girls who has serious trust issues, you are no good to anyone because you are going to make it so difficult for the man to earn your trust that he will usually just gives up and goes for someone else with less bullshit.

I am a firm believer that everyone deserves the benefit of doubt.

I trust easy .. but never forget or forgive if I am let down.
 mprefont
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 12
Trust Issues
Posted: 12/27/2005 9:23:16 AM
As we can all say, "We all have issues and we are all dealing with them."

Having said that, I can say most of us have been in the same situation and its hard to get past it even when you are with the right person. If I have learned anything from mine is that if you expect them to cheat or you think they will cheat, they will cheat. That type of attitude just creates problems with the relationship and it will break down and at some point, it will just happen. Its hard to remember that everyone you meet is different that what happened in one relationship does not mean it will happen in another. Best thing you can do is to talk about it with the person. Let them know what your fears are and help each other get past them. We all keep forgetting that a relationship takes two people who actively care about each others feelings that we want to know what those feelings are and how we can overcome them together. If you leave them out and try to only deal with them yourself, it will eventually create issues but also on the other point you must also be willing to deal with it yourself and not expect someone to solve them for you for that will never happen.


As for trust earned or given, in my opinion it has to be given and given freely. Nothing is more frustrating in getting to know someone if you are constantly worried that someone is cheating or lying to you. It ends the relationship before it can ever take root.

My best advice is not look at dating someone for a relationship but rather date someone to get to know as a friend and let it grow into a relationship. I think we can all say that if the friendship is not there the relationship never lasts.

I hope this helps
 arri
Joined: 10/5/2005
Msg: 14
Trust Issues
Posted: 12/27/2005 10:08:24 AM
They love intensely one moment and pull back the next determined not to get hurt. The partner sees/senses such bizarre behavior/attitude and thinks the person is nuts.

Nicely said Dave. I have experienced that many times and now .... the moment I feel like I am walking on egg shells .... I run. It's not my job to help some woman with her trust issues and certainly not what I want out of a relationship.

I would imagine most people feel the same way.
 cuter_than_anyone
Joined: 10/28/2005
Msg: 15
Trust Issues
Posted: 12/27/2005 10:09:37 AM
i would have to agree ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

it's hard work to constantly convince someone you're not doing anything wrong
 bucsgirl
Joined: 3/2/2005
Msg: 16
Trust Issues
Posted: 12/27/2005 10:18:48 AM
Another thing to consider if he's letting you set the pace. And that pace should be SLOW! People who are truly interested in each other will take the time to get to know each other really well. People who are looking to get laid ASAP and as often as possible, like to do the old sweep them off their feet, lavish you with almost constant attention. In the getting acquainted stage, don't email each other 10 times a day, and don't spend 3 or 4 hours on the phone, just as an example. Limit your contact somewhat. Let them get to know you at a pace that you're comfortable with. And a complete stranger who wants to suck up a huge block of your time immediately is most likely NOT wanting to get to know YOU as a PERSON. If they're fine with taking the time to get to know you, then more likely they ARE interested in you. People who make a big investment in another person is less likely to cheat. Getting laid is a lot easier and quicker than actually building a relationship.
 arri
Joined: 10/5/2005
Msg: 17
Trust Issues
Posted: 12/27/2005 12:40:01 PM

most of my relationships have ended due to cheating


No

By the time cheating happens, the relationship has been pretty much over for some time.
 RFlagg
Joined: 10/21/2005
Msg: 18
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History
Trust Issues
Posted: 12/27/2005 1:36:38 PM
nonnick: The one who was with her ex ... did she try to tell you it was not "cheating"? I have heard that explanation before. "I am not cheating on my current b/f because he knows I have had sex with my ex before." It is like they can project the event back in time or something.

Honestly, I really do not understand feminine logic at times. *smile*
 arri
Joined: 10/5/2005
Msg: 20
Trust Issues
Posted: 12/27/2005 2:18:11 PM
Sounds like you were the interim guy .. sorry pal

at least you got to boink her too
 whooPer
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 29
Trust Issues
Posted: 12/30/2005 1:39:46 AM
hmm...after reading what y'all been saying here...its freak me out a lit tho..my bf currently in ***** n lately,thats a lot on things been goin on in my head....eg:is he having an affair with someone else there.....maybe he's get back wid his ex-gf....etc...well,too many things that it sometimes drives me nuts!n my friends are all waiting the time to tell me 'see,i told ya so!' ...but i need an advice here....its not wrong rite?i meant...to trust in somebody but doubt him/her in d same time?errmm....

whatever ur guys answer wud be....i still think...

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