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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > why do many women expect men to make the first move?      Home login  
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 SmileyInKamloops
Joined: 12/14/2005
Msg: 76
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why do many women expect men to make the first move?Page 4 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
Will nevergiveup....well put.

This has been a very interesting thread to say the least. Let's me see if I am getting this right....men want women to pursue them but men also think women should still be at home bare foot and pregnant (we reaped what we sowed, etc, etc) Hmmmmmmm It seems that the double standard doesn't drip far from the horse's mouth.
 CuddleFreak
Joined: 5/23/2005
Msg: 77
why do many women expect men to make the first move?
Posted: 1/11/2006 7:09:53 PM
If a guy doesn't make the first move then he must be shy or a wimp......maybe he's just not interested...or maybe, because it's the 21st century men realize that women are smart enough to know what they want and they can make the first move...women are suppose to be equal in everything else and they want to be equal, so why can't they make the first move....hmmmm
 fuzzzer
Joined: 1/7/2006
Msg: 78
why do many women expect men to make the first move?
Posted: 1/12/2006 12:15:43 AM
I asked a guy on a date a few years ago...It was not even a date. I needed an escort for a play that I wanted to see. After the play, he took me into the backroom of the cast party and was expecting sex. When I told him that this was not what I wanted, his comment was, "Well, what do you expect me to think? You asked ME out!"

I guess it didn't matter that I paid for my OWN ticket and I MET him at the theatre! I make sure that I make myself VERY clear about my intentions before hand.
 travisty
Joined: 9/9/2005
Msg: 79
why do many women expect men to make the first move?
Posted: 1/12/2006 12:31:14 AM

but men also think women should still be at home bare foot and pregnant

Not quite, no cigar for you. Sure, in the 50's.
It takes 2 incomes these days to make it work for most couples.
Women pursuing men on equal terms. That's just so much to ask for.
I guess equality has a different meaning for men.
 SmileyInKamloops
Joined: 12/14/2005
Msg: 80
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why do many women expect men to make the first move?
Posted: 1/12/2006 12:39:46 AM
And that's a good reason why I don't ask guys out. Not all, but many take it the wrong way. Nope, I'll stick to what's comfortable for me....being asked out. If guys are getting rejected a lot, maybe it's because they aren't watching for the ok signs to approach.

Some tips....
quickly turns her head when you catch her looking (a bit shy ? doesn't want to get caught)
Smiling at you alot.
Looking at you alot.
Flirting with you.
Touching you alot.
Inviting you along.
Maintains eye contact. (outgoing ? or interested)
She mimics your body movements.
Laughs at your corny jokes.
Pays attention to what you have to say. (Interested ? or good communicator)

These are just a few of the clues....the more signs you have, the better your chances.
And if you get quite a number of these signs and you don't ask her out...well, you just never know what you might be missing.

Anybody else out there have some signs a guy should watch for to add to this. I do understand the reluctance a guy would have if he finds he is getting rejected frequently. So maybe this will clear up some of the confusion.
 andrea71
Joined: 12/27/2005
Msg: 81
why do many women expect men to make the first move?
Posted: 1/12/2006 10:19:21 AM
i have no problem asking a guy if he would be interested in going on a date.

i really make sures he knows i am interested in him by the things i do and the way i flirt.

i can see why guys are sick of rejection.i think us women can make things alot easier for them by showing if we are or are not interested in them.a clear understanding if you are or are not interested.
 travisty
Joined: 9/9/2005
Msg: 82
why do many women expect men to make the first move?
Posted: 1/12/2006 5:36:36 PM
Smiley: Good advice you gave there. Guys do get disappointed after awhile. They just hope someone will see that they are special too. Well, good luck to you anyways, you seem like a very nice person.
 Now or Never
Joined: 12/18/2005
Msg: 83
why do many women expect men to make the first move?
Posted: 1/12/2006 6:02:49 PM
Because it gives them all the power...and a free ride... a co$t free ride. Men are supposed to be able to handle rejection 99 times out of a 100 and women are cut to the bone the first time it happens. As Sean Connery said, "A gentlman never says no to a lady." So the popular women giggle in your face and the not-so-popular ones sit at home alone. As do so many men. Why would a man say no to a request for a date, because he will invariably end up paying for it. Women seem to think that offering to go "Dutch" is somesort of huge concession. You ask someone out, you pick up the tab, totally and joyfully. A lot has been said about "signs and signals" here. Yes, send a signal. A sign that you want to be with him and enjoy his company. Pay for something; a coffee, a meal, a cab ride or a round of drinks.

Thought we had this debate 35 years ago?
 Dryad
Joined: 7/19/2005
Msg: 84
why do many women expect men to make the first move?
Posted: 1/12/2006 7:14:05 PM
Both the universities I’ve gone too have been over 60% women.
The not so surprising result of this was the women often asked the guys out.

It added a fun dynamic to flirting for both people. Less stress on either side than being stuck in a role. It’s nice to be asked because it’s flattering. But it’s also nice to ask because you know you like them. The guys I knew did say they loved it there.
 loverlady01
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 85
why do many women expect men to make the first move?
Posted: 1/12/2006 7:31:13 PM
I was also raised in the old school, where a man makes the first move. But that is not the reason I like it that way. I find it a real turn on when man makes a first move on me. I am not afraid to talk to a man I like first, but I really would love him to call me or ask me out first. I find that extremely flattering. I am a bit shy in a way when it comes to a sexy or handsome man. I get a little nervous sometimes around a trully good looking man. And even more so when he is very handsome and has an awesome personality to go along with that.
And I really love a man to open doors , pull out chairs and all of that type of romantic stuff. A romantic man can get very far in a relationship with me. I guess in a way, I am old fashioned, but I really don't think that there is anything wrong with that. I also have a tendency to be very romantic with a man I am in love with. The man who is this way will get all of my love and attention.
 feistycat
Joined: 10/29/2005
Msg: 86
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why do many women expect men to make the first move?
Posted: 1/12/2006 7:33:21 PM
travisty..interesting quote...."they made their bed, they can sleep in it, alone." if all the women are sleeping alone---so are all the men. as i use to tell really angry women--i'm not about the "cut off" my (ex)husband (yes, some women do that for spite), that would be cutting myself off also. seemed sort of counterproductive (and stupid) to me. easier to just talk it out, then go to bed!! sort of a win-win solution. men like to pursue--if women pursue, then they claim you're some kind of "lib-er", and we all know what a horrible thing that is to men. i just wish we could all finally make it out of junior high school.
 lickissizzle
Joined: 1/8/2006
Msg: 87
why do many women expect men to make the first move?
Posted: 1/12/2006 7:39:01 PM
It is a primal, evolutionary thing. When the man pursues the woman he is telling her that he is in charge and can take care of her. The proof? In species where the male is bigger than the female, it means there is selection of males by females, that males compete with each other. This means the female sits there, waiting to be doted on, chased, won. In this culture it isn't necessary, but still instinctually desired by the female. My advice is just cowboy up, get some testosterone supplements if you need to, and bite the bullet.
 loverlady01
Joined: 9/13/2005
Msg: 88
why do many women expect men to make the first move?
Posted: 1/12/2006 7:47:57 PM
"they made their bed now they can lat in it"

All I can say to this is How old are you?? Thats pretty crude.
But if he treated me right and was a good man, I wouldn't mind doing anything for him. But I am older now and I love working. When I was married in the past I did stay home and raise my children because I could. Alot of families now days have to have 2 incomes. Thats reality. I did it for my children because I loved them so much and my husband at the time had a very good job, where I could stay home. And for that, I am very greatful to have spent that time with my children when they were young. But now I have to work for a living and I love my job. And my children are older. So barefoot and pregnant for me is a non reality, lol.
To each his/her own I guess, lol.
Thanks for the great post!
 travisty
Joined: 9/9/2005
Msg: 89
why do many women expect men to make the first move?
Posted: 1/12/2006 8:23:30 PM
Countrygal45: thank you for your level and rational response. I was being over dramatic I know. I admit that I too prefer not to have an empty bed, as anyone else would.

I just get the impression these days that pursuing is taken for granted and expected for a man with little regard for his feelings or appreciated for the fact he is even trying. There is not much motivation to being shot down with curt replies after a few attempts.

Perhaps men try to be too much of a gentleman and hope that they can be themselves without having to resort to being a smooth talking player. We all know the success rate to players who say anything as to the average guy is who uses plain honesty.

You can tell that some women expect men not to change this traditional habit by using condescending remarks such as:

My advice is just cowboy up, get some testosterone supplements if you need to, and bite the bullet.


While men appreciate the advice lickissizzle, we can do quite fine as defining ourselves as men. thanks anyways for the input.

That is like saying men are used to having women have the house clean and dinner on the table when they come like men expected in the 50's.
I'm sure some men expect women to continue this behaviour and demand it, but many men including myself don't and would share in the duties.

Regardless, changes happen whether you or me want them to happen or not.
I appreciate your seeing it from both sides.
 dceeeee
Joined: 8/23/2005
Msg: 90
why do many women expect men to make the first move?
Posted: 1/14/2006 3:50:36 PM
Okay, good thread...and some good answers, too, and I think a lot depends on the generation the woman is in, as seen by most of the answers. I was raised 'old school' also, where a woman didn't pursue a man, lest she be considered to be loose. However, I do realize that times have changed...although at my age, you can't always be sure that the guy isn't still in that mode. Another problem, as it pertains to people my age, is that unless he specifies an age, so many of them are looking for the 'youngsters'...Heck, I read a profile the other day, where the guy was 70 yrs old, and was looking for a woman between 20 and 50....WTF? I'm too old for a 70 yr old? Sure glad HE expressed his preferences!!! This on line dating sure makes it easier for the woman to make the first move, though. For the record, I contacted a couple of men when I first started this dating thing and thought I would be at my destination within a few months, (and got positive responses, too), but now that my move is taking so long, it just doesn't seem fair. So, for now, a man has to do the first move, if he thinks it's worth emailing for awhile till the move happens, not knowing when it will be).

To Latintango, you said....

It's very simple why...
A double standard....
For all the strides women have taken through the "women liberation" movement, they still want the man to open doors, pull chairs etc etc...

Comming from a place where women used to stay home and raise the family and man went to work, I've seen the transformation first hand...

And I do believe that, without ever admitting this openly, a large number of females regret how far equality has taken them...for what they lost...


....but not all of us women were for the 'Women's Lib' movement in the first place...it was thrust upon us and we had no choice but to 'go with the flow', so we had to make the most of it...so, sure, some of us regret that a few made it bad for the rest of us. I was perfectly content with the way things were...but now, I've adjusted to the changes, and not all were bad. So that's why in my profile, it says, "I believe in equality (to a point)...."
 amberzamber
Joined: 10/23/2005
Msg: 91
why do many women expect men to make the first move?
Posted: 1/14/2006 5:41:54 PM
I have not really read any of the other posts on here so I apologize if I’m repeating someone else:

I have made the first move many times (email first, IM first, ask out first and kissed him first) and it has backfired every single time. The issue seems to be (whether this is true across the board or not, I don’t now but it’s been true 100 % of the time in my case) Men will accept whatever first move you make whether they find you attractive or not or if your their type or not, and the difference is that women generally won’t do that…and on the flip side 100 % of the time if a man likes you he WILL let you know at all costs, no matter where they are located and no matter if everything in your profile describes anyone but them…

So unfortunately I have gone back to making the guy make the first move….I’m tired of finding out later that I’m not their type and they were merely flattered and went out with me because of that and no other reasons……I’m not here to stroke their ego’s….(guys shouldn’t put up with women who do that either) but if some guys profile has been up here as long as mine and he’s never written, than he’s just not interested……however if I pursued him he’s most likely take me up on it…

I really dislike that this is true because I did grow up with the thinking that women should not ask men out and I thought that was ridiculous...but now I see that in most cases there is some unspoken reason why guys have always done the asking for the most part...

This may not apply to the few of you guys here who are complaining but seriously, if a woman was nice looking and absolutely not your type and you really would never ask her out, would you have the guts to say your not interested? The problem is for the few of us women who will ask you out, your not honest about that and we end up getting strung along, so we stopped doing it...and I'm all for hearing your guys few point on this.....
 Lily3
Joined: 11/13/2005
Msg: 92
why do many women expect men to make the first move?
Posted: 1/14/2006 5:58:47 PM
I f he doesn't make the first move - how am I supposed to know he's interested? Women aren't clairvoyant ( although it would be great for both sexes if we were LOL )
 Latinomarine
Joined: 1/6/2005
Msg: 93
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why do many women expect men to make the first move?
Posted: 1/14/2006 5:59:40 PM
Well first of all, going out and seeking a female or a mate, companion significant other blah blah blah, whatever you call it, is more of a search a hunt if you want to call it, and well i guess from what i see all the other older males doing is that, they go out and get ready for the hunt, but when it comes to it, we as males are on our own. females travel in packs for a reason, as do males hunt in packs but just as they are about to strike on a prey they seperate each going his on seperate direction, and at the end they all come back seeing what they have caught.. or won. but thats how it is, and it should always be... because after all as males we are not complicated we're just very simple and a bit primal, but females are so damn compicated that in the end all they can do with all theses guys on the prowl is group up and have a thick "hide" or though our eyes just cold and heartless, but its really for thier own protection, the tougher the guy the less it will matter because he will just bite in and well he will finally get her to actually come in contact with him. well thats how i see it as...
 Iron Wolf
Joined: 10/11/2004
Msg: 94
why do many women expect men to make the first move?
Posted: 1/14/2006 6:11:31 PM
Trav, I agree with you on this one, man. It's taken its toll on me, God knows. I'm tired of getting shot down, so I RARELY ever initiate.
 Iron Wolf
Joined: 10/11/2004
Msg: 95
why do many women expect men to make the first move?
Posted: 1/14/2006 6:32:36 PM
Lots of good posts on both sides on this one, but I have to agree with Trav on this one, largely! I used to enjoy the chase, but I kept getting shot down so much, that it now hurts to even think about trying it - let alone doing it! I got hurt bad the last time I did it, & no, I'm not ashamed to say it had me in litteral tears!
 SONNY...
Joined: 1/5/2006
Msg: 96
why do many women expect men to make the first move?
Posted: 1/15/2006 5:27:30 PM
The fact of the matter is,,,Reguardless of who makes the first move, the whole idea of internet dating is to meet someone, if a lady wants to contact me first then the more power to her. I have been contacted by women and to me there go getters and i like that, come on ladies bring it on, you just might meet your match !!!!
 oneafternoon
Joined: 3/15/2005
Msg: 97
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why do many women expect men to make the first move?
Posted: 1/15/2006 5:39:59 PM
I've been told never too make the move!
 will_nevergiveup
Joined: 1/10/2006
Msg: 98
why do many women expect men to make the first move?
Posted: 1/15/2006 6:03:48 PM
I really feel for you fellas. Some of us gals are old fashioned. Some are womens libbers. You don't know whether to open the door and go through first or hold it for her. Either way, you have a 50/50 chance of getting your azz bit. And that's AFTER you've secured the date! Oh my! I'm sure glad I'm not a fella. You guys really have it hard.
 sonoranstud
Joined: 7/24/2005
Msg: 99
why do many women expect men to make the first move?
Posted: 1/15/2006 8:09:56 PM
well i started this post a week or so ago and i have thought about this and still don't know what a solution would be.

guys like the chase but some of us guys don't like to chase what we know we cannot ever catch.

women like to be approached by the guys who they are interested in.

i agree with most of what Amberzamber said.guys will go on a date if asked whether they are attracted to a women or not.so where is the common ground where both genders would be happy? i don't know but i do know that there is a common ground that both sides would accept if presented in a fair and logical manner.

i'm a little different than alot of guys in that i won't go on a date with a women just because she asks.if i am not interested.i would tell her i think that we are not compatible.i might say nothing at all and not respond if asked by a women online because i might hurt her feelings if i say i am not attracted to her.i don't like to hurt anyones feelings.
if its a non attraction issue i will email them and tell them why.

on the internet you cannot feel the vibe for lack of a better term of the opposite sex. its is harder to flirt with written or typed words words than with your eyes.words sometimes make you come across to strong.if we were in a bar and attracted to somebody of the opposite sex we guys are thinking"gee i really want to f**k her hard or we are thinking gee shes hot what a nice a**".ladies would be thinking"i want his hard c**k or he's got a nice a** . if you send a email saying what you think you will get shot down as a guy everytime and a lady will be perceived as a slut.

so i dont know an answer to this burning question.
 Linguatic
Joined: 4/18/2005
Msg: 100
why do many women expect men to make the first move?
Posted: 1/15/2006 9:06:17 PM

Men will accept whatever first move you make whether they find you attractive or not or if your their type or not, and the difference is that women generally won’t do that…

I think that is true. Let me suggest a couple of reasons that aren't as pejorative as "lack of guts".

1. Men do not get very much practice at being the rejecter, since they don't get asked out very often. It is likely that the men you have asked out were *never* asked out by a woman before, and didn't quite know what to do about it.

2. Since men get turned down a LOT, they know how painful rejection is, and don't want to hurt your feelings.

3. Men are more sensitive to women's feelings than vice versa, possibly because the cultural stereotype holds that real men don't *have* feelings and real women have nothing but feelings.

4. Men are more willing to give things a chance to see if an attraction develops, even if it wasn't immediately present.


on the flip side 100 % of the time if a man likes you he WILL let you know at all costs, no matter where they are located and no matter if everything in your profile describes anyone but them…

I don't agree completely. First, you have no way of knowing which men like you but don't tell you -- it's logically impossible.

Second, many men will shoot themselves down early rather than face the rejection they anticipate. The prettier/thinner/younger the woman, the more likely this will happen. See the various posts along the lines of "I'm beautiful, why won't the guys ask me out", where the men respond "because we're sure that you MUST already be taken."

Third, I can provide an easy counterexample: I like you, but I have never contacted you simply because you're too far away.

That said, there is truth to your analysis, I just don't think it's quite as black-and-white. You shouldn't give up on contacting men that interest you. You might want to limit that contact to something that can be deflected easily without appearing to be a rejection, in order to avoid situations 1-4 above. I suggest a simple email along the lines of "hey, nice cat" or "I liked what you had to say in your post about Hawaii, it sounds really beautiful." That is the equivalent of being caught looking a few times in a face-to-face, real-life venue. If he's interested, he can pick up the ball from there, and you can exchange emails for a while, and if he doesn't ask you for other contact information -- phone, outside email, or meat-meeting -- then you can conclude that he is not interested enough to bother with.
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