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 femaleandflirty
Joined: 7/16/2011
Msg: 661
u can't have a platonic friendship with opposite sexPage 27 of 50    (10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50)

domo31

It may be easy for you but I bet they are thinking of bedding you even if they dont vocalise it.....I would like to have platonic friendships with men but find it hard as they usually want more sooner or later... THey dont waste their time on you otherwise...........
 JCinVicBC
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 662
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u can't have a platonic friendship with opposite sex
Posted: 11/18/2011 5:08:28 AM
Sure you can. I have lots of female friends, that are just friends. Only one of them is so unattractive that I would think twice before sleeping with her, but her personality is enough to make up for that. But just because I'm attracted to someone, or even have romantic feelings for them, doesn't necessarily mean I'm going to make a move, or jump in the sack with them. Our friendships are much more valuable to me than a quick roll in the hay. And physical and emotional attraction are not the basis of these friendships. They're not a dating pool, they're friends. If I did start dating one of them, it wouldn't change my relationships with any of the others.
 Johnnie Freeze
Joined: 3/31/2008
Msg: 663
u can't have a platonic friendship with opposite sex
Posted: 11/18/2011 8:35:18 AM


It may be easy for you but I bet they are thinking of bedding you even if they dont vocalise it.....I would like to have platonic friendships with men but find it hard as they usually want more sooner or later... THey dont waste their time on you otherwise...........


that pretty much sums it up. Ive read post from men here who say they have platonic female friends but then admit they'd sleep with the pretty ones..which means that the platonic friendship is really built on a lie. Sure, one can pretend, and carry on the facade, just like one can eat soup with their hands, but it doesnt make it a good idea.
 albinosquirlz
Joined: 3/28/2010
Msg: 664
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u can't have a platonic friendship with opposite sex
Posted: 11/18/2011 12:32:22 PM
What's so terrible about a little sexual tension between friends?

If your feelings toward someone is motivated by sexual or romantic feelings, and you "settle" for being friends just because it's the next best thing...then that is probably not a good idea. You just need to be honest with yourself.

But if you truly value them as a friend, yet find yourself the victim of some random primal urges now and then... you just deal with it like you would any number of minor issues that pop up while maintaining a friendship.

Just be careful if you get drunk together. he he
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 665
u can't have a plutonic friendship with opposite sex
Posted: 11/18/2011 1:38:45 PM

And I believe that having had female "friends" it is only possible when clear boundaries are understood. And in spite of that, there are times when those boundaries have become and can become blurred.

Which is why it's just odd in the first place. Having a close one-on-one "friendship" with the opposite sex -- if there needs to be "boundaries" laid out and such, then there's obviously feelings had or potentially had, which is why they're set up in the first place. Its an admission of guilt in some way, when it comes to the viewpoint that one can be 100% platonic friends the same as if they're your bro/sis/buddy-of-same-gender.

Does a (hetero) gal have to set up "boundaries" and make sure they're understood with one of their gay friends? No. With their female friends? No. So any situation where one has to, they're acknowledging that they're walking into a bit of a potential minefield.

But with that said, it doesn't have to be so much. The potential can end up showing as just having been potential, and not really being there -- ie feelings on any level beyond platonic, 100%. However, that is tough to figure out, which is why I think one shouldn't be close 1-on-1 friends with someone of the same gender if they don't want anything more than platonic with them and should just keep themselves from being really 1-on-1 and too close. Doesn't mean you can't be considered friends of course -- you just don't want to walk into a minefield that's all.
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 666
u can't have a plutonic friendship with opposite sex
Posted: 11/18/2011 1:51:00 PM

Actually I was thinking about the spooning and cuddling thing mentioned, and came to the conclusion that some of the "assumptions" expressed were just a tad narrow minded really


Exactly...narrow minded! I actually have a friend who comes over for cuddle dates once in awhile. We both miss the contact as neither one of us is dating at the moment. We've been friend for almost four years now...we did have sex a couple of times back then when I was dating a swinger.

We want different things in a relationship and so we don't date, don't have sex anymore but DO cuddle and watch movies sometimes...there's no TENSION or hidden agendas by either of us. Then again, we're both mature, rational adults who know what we want...and don't.

OOPS! I misread the thread title... I thought it said the lower case letter "u" could not be PLATONIC friends with the opposite sex....actually it says the lower case letter "u" cannot be PLUTONIC friends with the opposite sex.

I STILL disagree...although I can't speak for the lower case letter "u", I can say that men and women CAN have a PLUTONIC [read; rock solid/deep.] friendship...

plu·ton·ic/plo?o'tänik/
Adjective:

Relating to or denoting igneous rock formed by solidification at considerable depth beneath the earth's surface.
 yabunchabums
Joined: 11/12/2011
Msg: 667
u can't have a platonic friendship with opposite sex
Posted: 11/21/2011 8:39:22 AM
Yes, guys and girls CAN be friends, even EXes can be friends, but as others have stated many times on here, clear boundaries must be set and understood between the two, and if one "friend" can't respect those boundaries, then they turn the "friendship" into a "dirty little secret" situation and will ruin relationships for both parties due to their longing to be with someone who may or may not want them in the same way.

If one friend quite clearly shows that FRIENDSHIP is not enough for them, (i.e., emails telling the other how they love them, want them, need them, and/or miss them being together) then the other HAS to have the COMPASSION to end the "friendship" and allow that person to move on.

I do agree that if you wouldn't do something with a same-sex friend, then don't do it with an opposite-sex friend...cuddling and such. It is too intimate and MAY lead the other to think something more is possible. It is also disrespectful to the significant others in the relationships.
 Johnnie Freeze
Joined: 3/31/2008
Msg: 668
u can't have a platonic friendship with opposite sex
Posted: 11/21/2011 8:58:17 AM

Yes, guys and girls CAN be friends, even EXes can be friends, but as others have stated many times on here, clear boundaries must be set and understood between the two, and if one "friend" can't respect those boundaries, then they turn the "friendship" into a "dirty little secret" situation and will ruin relationships for both parties due to their longing to be with someone who may or may not want them in the same way.

If one friend quite clearly shows that FRIENDSHIP is not enough for them, (i.e., emails telling the other how they love them, want them, need them, and/or miss them being together) then the other HAS to have the COMPASSION to end the "friendship" and allow that person to move on.

I do agree that if you wouldn't do something with a same-sex friend, then don't do it with an opposite-sex friend...cuddling and such. It is too intimate and MAY lead the other to think something more is possible. It is also disrespectful to the significant others in the relationships.


Well said..and in a perfect world, all this would be great. Unfortunately there are too many people who will settle for friendship who secretly want more, and will hope they get a shot one day. A good rule of thumb is if that person is someone that you have romantic feelings for or can see yourself dating then dont enter into the facade of platonic friendship, just stay away. (again, an ideology that people just wont follow.) Unfortunately most are willing to enter into platonic friendships with people they find attractive because its *BETTER THAN NOTHING*, while they fantasize of more..sad.
 trplfire39
Joined: 11/1/2011
Msg: 669
u can't have a platonic friendship with opposite sex
Posted: 11/21/2011 9:06:26 AM
OP, I blame Jr. High and High School for this, people still can't get their heads around what happened to their relationships during this period of life...It' a maturity issue.
 Amboyace
Joined: 5/3/2008
Msg: 670
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u can't have a platonic friendship with opposite sex
Posted: 11/21/2011 4:51:26 PM
IMHO, everybody can be pleasant and civil online, or at an occasional event. You don't have to be "friends" for that. I think both parties have to "get something" out of a true friendship, and if it began with dating failure, you're asking a lot out of one of the parties involved.
 zootscoot20
Joined: 3/7/2011
Msg: 671
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u can't have a platonic friendship with opposite sex
Posted: 11/21/2011 6:03:51 PM
I think you have to take relationships between platonic friends on a case by case scenario. A lot of it depends on the relationship between 2 people in a committed relationship (dating, married etc).

If you are new to a relationship or have been in a relationship for a long time and things are off (not as close as you once were, increasingly less time together, more arguments) both parties in the primary relationship may be susceptible to being affected by a platonic friendship.

In my mid - late 20s I had a number of female friends. I did not have any hidden agenda but I was kidding myself in some cases because I told myself I could be around these women and not be affected.

As I have gotten older and I have a clearer idea of what I am looking for in a woman. I am less likely to put myself in positions as the "friend" when I know it is masochistic and I would just be torturing myself. Conversely, I have told myself that someone hooking up with someone else is usually a symptom of a bigger problem if you are in a committed relationship. So, I try to focus on what I can control which is what I say and how I respond to others. If I ask someone if there is a problem and they don't tell me the truth I cannot fix a problem unless I know it exists.

Lastly, I am going to define myself by my values and the values of people I respect. If I can be honest with myself about my faults/tendencies in relationships and I can honestly say I tried my best, that's all I can do. If someone cheats on me they may have a history of not only doing it with me but others. Do I really want to waste my time on someone like this? There values or their opinion of me are not more important then my opinion of myself.
 jpwrnglrwmn_forumsonly
Joined: 4/23/2011
Msg: 672
u can't have a platonic friendship with opposite sex
Posted: 12/2/2011 10:30:27 PM
I will say this is possible between two people who were friends prior to a romantic relationship developing (though I haven't had experience with this), but it's more difficult for two people who started dating, broke up, then try to be friends. I dated someone who had only female friends (and the majority were women he had dated). .his excuse was that he said he got along better with women. I did notice when we went to social events, he would always make it a point to talk to other women. .not so much the men. In fact, he was the only male who made it an effort to talk to other women . .other than his girlfriend.
 bottleguy
Joined: 3/22/2011
Msg: 673
u can't have a platonic friendship with opposite sex
Posted: 12/3/2011 7:05:09 AM
Have you seen When Harry Met Sally? %90 of guys only want to be friends with girls if they are 1)trying to sleep with them 2)trying to sleep with their friends 3)find them ridiculously unnattractive 4)they are gay. Men and women generally don't have enough in common to desire a non-sexual relationship.
 That_girl*
Joined: 9/29/2008
Msg: 674
u can't have a platonic friendship with opposite sex
Posted: 12/16/2011 2:11:48 PM
no i don't belive platonic friends can happen with the opposite sex UNLESS 1 or both parties is gay..otherwise not going to work.
 SeaCatcher
Joined: 9/11/2011
Msg: 675
u can't have a platonic friendship with opposite sex
Posted: 12/16/2011 2:54:43 PM
trplfire39 wrote [OP, I blame Jr. High and High School for this, people still can't get their heads around what happened to their relationships during this period of life...It' a maturity issue. ]

Hear, hear. It is absolutely a maturity issue. Men and women can be friends with each other without desiring a sexual relationship. I have numerous male friends I would not dream of wanting sex with. I did grow up, you see.
 Capitano_Blaugh
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 676
u can't have a platonic friendship with opposite sex
Posted: 12/16/2011 3:53:17 PM

I have numerous male friends I would not dream of wanting sex with. I did grow up, you see.


.... yeah, yeah, yeah....

... but your male "friends" still want to bang YOU.

Try this the next time you think they're "just" friends and they think you feel the same way as you:

Tell them that you have absolutely NO interest in them sexually and you would NEVER bang them even if they were the last guy alive..... or....

... tell them that you'd really like to bang them, that you've been thinking about how great that would be.

See how your male friends respond. I think you'd be a bit surprised...

If they're not gay, they've ALL thought about what it would be like banging you...

 That_girl*
Joined: 9/29/2008
Msg: 677
u can't have a platonic friendship with opposite sex
Posted: 12/16/2011 7:10:40 PM
@ Capitano_Blaugh

exactly
 badbrains213
Joined: 5/6/2011
Msg: 678
u can't have a plutonic friendship with opposite sex
Posted: 12/16/2011 7:26:07 PM
the only reason why id ever spend time with someone of the opposite sex is because i was physically attracted to them, and/or trying to sleep with them.
 Agallah005
Joined: 3/23/2006
Msg: 679
u can't have a platonic friendship with opposite sex
Posted: 12/17/2011 10:32:14 AM
nonsense I have plenty of female friends, some are even my exes
 HeathV2012
Joined: 10/11/2010
Msg: 680
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u can't have a platonic friendship with opposite sex
Posted: 12/17/2011 5:07:27 PM
I have had many female friends and prefer the company of women over men. I do find it hard to just be friends with women I am physically attracted to. If im attracted and like them enough to be friends then im probably going to ask them out sooner or latter depending on how I feel about the situation.

“A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure, it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy.” Friedrich Nietzsche
 NYDistrict14
Joined: 12/3/2011
Msg: 681
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u can't have a platonic friendship with opposite sex
Posted: 12/17/2011 8:35:25 PM
Friendship is good for the most part, but once non-mutual feelings start to arise, it can get suffocatingly awkward very quickly. This girl I knew in one of my first jobs was a case in point. For a while, we could talk about anything. And then I started to like her a bit. And then I really, really, really, really, really began liking her. By the time our friendship or aquaintanceship ended that summer, she was annoyed and I was in ruins.
 good_catch77
Joined: 3/28/2007
Msg: 682
u can't have a platonic friendship with opposite sex
Posted: 12/17/2011 8:46:06 PM
Here's a youtube video that speaks of this very subject lol

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_lh5fR4DMA

It is the college generation but I do think men and women can be friends BUT for the most part men will have the sexual aspect to the friendship and for the most part women want just friends.

I've been in the "friends zone" before to where she knows I "like" her and uses that to her advantage for me to do things for her...
 BEACHBUM611
Joined: 12/12/2011
Msg: 683
u can't have a platonic friendship with opposite sex
Posted: 12/18/2011 6:58:52 AM
It is possible to have platonic friendships with the opposite sex. I have and have had lots of platonic female friends over the years. The key to that is respect and also knowing that neither one wants the other. Once that is established, you can have a great platonic friendship. Now, I have experienced women friends that "say" they just want friendship and somehow we end up sleeping in the same bed just to sleep. They would get all bent out of shape because I didn't make a move on them. So to me that's false on the woman's part because she's thinking she could get something more out of the friendship. Maybe a friends with benefits type of deal. So it is a little tricky but for the most part, yes it is possible to have platonic friendships with the opposite sex.
 CptJohnSheridan
Joined: 11/23/2011
Msg: 684
u can't have a platonic friendship with opposite sex
Posted: 12/18/2011 10:42:12 AM
My four best friends and 8 of my 10 closest are all female. I think if we recognize that each lady is someone's mother, sister, and/or daughter and treat them as we'd like our mother, sister, or daughter to be treated then lust will disappear as an option. We must understand that people are not objects to be used for our needs. Once this is accomplished, then all of the weirdness will go away.
 lotustemple
Joined: 10/23/2011
Msg: 685
u can't have a platonic friendship with opposite sex
Posted: 12/18/2011 10:51:32 AM
Whoop ti do! You guys figured out you can hang out with a woman and not screw her and you are sooooo impressed with yourselves.

But is it wise to do so? No. Is it a ridiculously stupid and shallow friendship? Yes. Why? Because you need to constantly monitor your behavior with one another. You can totally chill with the guys but with a girl your internal monitor is always working. How about when one of you gets a new gf/bf? Don't things change drastically? The dynamic of your friendship are always shifting, you can't really relax and be yourself with them. What's ok this week is not ok next week.

If you are hanging out with your boyz and you get a new gf, not too much changes on boyz night out. Can you have platonic girlfriend night out too? Maybe go out dancing and drinking once a week or month? Why not? Think maybe your new gf might be wondering wtf is your problem?

It's such a joke on all levels to think there's no difference btwn same sex and opposite sex friendships.
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