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 shy2004
Joined: 11/7/2006
Msg: 305
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u can't have a plutonic friendship with opposite sexPage 4 of 50    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41)
okay what do you do when you have a plutonic relationship with a person for years but relize you have been hiding your feelings all this time. the problem is when that person is dating another person and it bothers you what do you do.the person has already said they have no feelings that way.
 Wise_Monk
Joined: 7/21/2005
Msg: 317
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u can't have a plutonic friendship with opposite sex
Posted: 9/12/2010 3:04:03 PM
It's a lot easier to be platonic friends with the opposite sex if neither one is romantically attracted to the other. I have my doubts that a platonic friendship can last long healthily if there is attraction from just one side.
 Montreal_Guy
Joined: 3/8/2004
Msg: 319
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u can't have a plutonic friendship with opposite sex
Posted: 9/16/2010 9:29:05 PM
I've had quite a few women friends like that, and only one eventually became a girlfriend. That only occurred because we'd spent many years together as friends and went through all the ups and downs of break-up's in both our lives.

Then, one day years later, we were both single at the same time and said....hmmm ?

The weird part is that everything was great.....but we lasted only three months together. That was my shortest ever relationship. I doubt either of us could tell you why we ended it, strangely enough. After a short distant period, we went back to being friends again for a few more years.

I was raised by women, and generally enjoy their company. When with male friends, one sometimes has to lapse into "guy mode" with them : sports talk, discussing the waitress/barmaid/any female in view's "assets" , and all the other testostrone fueled things that come along with that.

The " I-can't-really-say-I-like-you-bro-'cause-it's-so-gay, so-I'll-insult-you-to-show-I-care" type stuff is fun too - for short periods.

Fun to do overall, but it does get old after awhile.

My female best friends have always given me the great luxury of escaping those bonds, and I appreciate doing that when I can.

I've always had female friends, even from my teen years.
 txredbull
Joined: 1/3/2010
Msg: 323
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u can't have a plutonic friendship with opposite sex
Posted: 9/17/2010 11:18:58 AM

So what do u think can we have plutonic friendships with ppl of the opposite sex?

I think these are people that have never been married.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 324
u can't have a plutonic friendship with opposite sex
Posted: 9/17/2010 12:18:45 PM

06MC69, Neither can you. If you get every single one of your "male friends" and get them in your bedroom one on one, and take your panties off in front of them, how many of them are going to say "Oh no, we're strictly platonic and I'm uncomfortable" .....Now, how many of them are going to get on the bed with you after disrobing? I REST my case again!

Uhhhhmmmmm ~ believe it or not, there are people that we are friends with that don't find us physically and/or sexually attractive. Hence, why we are often times friends and nothing more. I don't think most of my male friends would be uncomfortable seeing me naked, that doesn't mean they'd immediately want to have sex with me just because I was not clothed. Maybe YOU wouldn't miss the opportunity to have sex simply because someone is naked and you are friends ~ that doesn't mean everyone subscribes to your line of thinking. (God I love my men friends ~ pretty well-rounded group after reading some of the stuff in here.) JMO
 grizzelda
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 325
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u can't have a plutonic friendship with opposite sex
Posted: 9/17/2010 12:36:22 PM
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^


<div class="quote">(God I love my men friends ~ pretty well-rounded group after reading some of the stuff in here.) JMO

I so agree...I guess its matter or perspective. If anything in a skirt is fair game to a guy he apparently makes the assumption that every other male on the planet behaves the same way. Quite sad honestly. I often wonder if these men even believe that it is possible to have a sexual attraction and not have to act on it or that it is possible for an initial attraction that had a sexual component to it evolve into something other than sexual. Maybe this is why so many men apparently struggle trying to find that special woman, they are so focused on trying to scratch that itch when it happens, they dont wait long enough to see that the itch was actually poison ivy.......
 albinosquirlz
Joined: 3/28/2010
Msg: 328
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u can't have a plutonic friendship with opposite sex
Posted: 9/17/2010 6:37:06 PM
That statement is simply not true. I have many platonic friendships with quite a few men and thats where i intend to let them stay 'platonic'.


I guess that begs the question...is platonic based on what you "do"...or what you "feel"? Does it have to be mutual? Is there a platonic scale (as in there's no such thing as 100% platonic...only varying degrees of it).

You have no idea what thoughts are going on in the minds of your male friends any more than they know what's going on in yours. Most of this stuff is happening on a subconscious level anyway, where you not only have no control over it...you will usually never be consciously aware of most of it's effects.

You don't have to do something as blatant as getting naked in front of him to cause arousal (which it certainly 100% will). Simple proximity or just the way you smell will do it. This has nothing to do with how "attractive" he finds you....the "monkey brain" doesn't care about that.




but i do like a mans perspective on lots of matters which is why i do have many platonic men friends.


There are many advantages for a female to have platonic male friends...back-up mate, "daddy" figure, to make other males jealous, emotional support, ego/self esteem boost, safety. I just don't see to have a "male perspective" as being high on the list.

When you treat your male friend like a girlfriend, and talk about other males you like, or discuss anything of a graphic sexual nature regarding other guys, he WILL find this emasculating and it WILL trigger a jealous reaction. How he rationalizes and acts upon it is up to him. And you are doing it to cause this reaction, whether it's conscious or not (yes...you have a monkey brain too, and it isn't interested in the "male perspective").

Hetero male/female "friends" can make a conscious, mutual effort to suppress their romantic/sexual desires by using logic, weighing the consequences, applying cultural taboos/personal morals...whatever, so that any actions that cross the boundaries of "platonic" are rationalized so they don't happen. The conscious/subconscious instinct/desire to act is there...but you can certainly control your actions. As long as this doesn't cause undo distress in either party, then a healthy, "physically" platonic relationship can flourish.

Friendships are platonic...until they aren't.

The worse case scenario is probably when it one way or another results in unrequited love...that can be very emotionally damaging. The best case scenario is I guess when it develops into true mutual romantic love (I'm a big fan of this). The rest fall somewhere in-between.

The females I'm wary of, are the ones who have many male "friends" and few or no female friends.

It may sound like I'm making a case against platonic male/female hetero friendships, but I'm not...I'm just saying..."Here, There Be Dragons". I think it is important for males to learn to control their primate instincts....not the least of which, is because it probably puts you in a better light with females in this day and age.

On a slightly different note, I wonder how different this dynamic is with same sex oriented friends?
 Capitano_Blaugh
Joined: 3/18/2008
Msg: 329
u can't have a plutonic friendship with opposite sex
Posted: 9/17/2010 9:51:25 PM

If anything in a skirt is fair game to a guy he apparently makes the assumption that every other male on the planet behaves the same way. Quite sad honestly. I often wonder if these men even believe that it is possible to have a sexual attraction and not have to act on it or that it is possible for an initial attraction that had a sexual component to it evolve into something other than sexual.


Your good male buddies may never ACT on their attraction, but you'd better believe that they THINK about and FANTASIZED about what it would be like to bang you...

... many have probably spanked monkey thinking about it.

I always find it remarkable how naive women are about their male "friends".

 albinosquirlz
Joined: 3/28/2010
Msg: 333
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u can't have a plutonic friendship with opposite sex
Posted: 9/18/2010 6:57:44 PM
First of all, I NEVER say, "let's just be friends," to a guy who wants to date me. If I become friends with a man, it's because we've found mutual interests and liking, just like I would with a female friend.

If an acquaintance who has friend potential expresses any sort of sexual interest, and I'm not interested, he never becomes a friend.

Exes are exes and never turn into friends.

I don't treat guy friends just like girlfriends, unless they're gay. I don't unload on them about relationships and sex (don't really do that with the girlfriends either, now that I think about it), and don't expect them to fix my stuff or be protective of me. If they're married, I make friends with the wife. If I'm in a relationship, they get to know my husband/boyfriend as well.


That's a reasonably bullet-proof system. If you can actually apply it then congrats to you...you're way ahead of most women.

Most women foolishly think there is only one rule to having platonic male friends...don't have sex with them. Then they turn around and break every other frik'n rule there is, sending mixed messages, making the males confused and frustrated. The same women will then complain about the males behaviour. Of course, most men are dumb enough to go along with it.
 albinosquirlz
Joined: 3/28/2010
Msg: 336
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u can't have a plutonic friendship with opposite sex
Posted: 9/19/2010 12:59:17 PM

This pisses people off for some reason. I play by my own rules, I think thats why!


Errr...the way you described it makes it sound quite cold and mean....and unnecessary...that's why.



Take "Kate" for example. She is a friend. I have known her for 24 years, and we get along really well, have many things in common.


This doesn't strike me as a description of a "vague female acquaintance".

I don't quite understand the nature of whatever "rule" applies here....is it because you don't think it's "right" to be around another man's gf when he isn't there? Is there something about her personality you really don't like? Do you interpret this as her taking advantage of you or using you?

The scenario you described sounds like nothing more than your garden variety "favour"...I don't even see where gender should even be a factor.

I know you have this "system" Joe, and if it works for you...great. But based on what you've said, and the flack you admit to getting for it, I can't help but suspect that this system has gone beyond being pragmatic, and entered the territory of "I have some issues".
 like2hike
Joined: 11/26/2006
Msg: 342
u can't have a plutonic friendship with opposite sex
Posted: 10/5/2010 9:27:04 PM
I have a couple female friends that have always just been that. So yes, it is possible.

However, I would never go hang out with one of them without including my girlfriend (if I had one at the time) as I feel telling your mate you're going to go hang out with someone of the opposite sex and you are not included doesn't have a good feel to it. I wouldn't want it done to me so I wouldn't do it to her.

I guess that makes me a blend of old fashioned and modern.
 Molly Maude
Joined: 9/11/2008
Msg: 346
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u can't have a plutonic friendship with opposite sex
Posted: 10/7/2010 2:41:04 PM
in this one very specific case, I completely agree with JustDonald ...

I'm friends with my ex-husband ... we go on trips together with no problem other than arguing over who gets to drive ... his "girlfriends" and men I might date generally have a problem with our friendship but we don't ... after all the crap we went thru during our years of marriage and our very acromonious long drawn out divorce then all the years of forced "friendliness" due to shared children and (now) grandchildren ... and being required to take each other's side during family disputes!!! ... we've overcome any residual romantic or sexual tension we might have had for each other ... actually, we've KILLED any of those types of feelings!

I've been friends with other men as well ... men with whom I just share no romantic or sexual feelings at all ... we go out to eat, to dances, parties, concerts and other forms of entertainment ... we talk about our pasts, current issues, people we're dating or have dated, trips we've taken or want to take, our kids, jobs, cars ... sometimes but rarely, we even talk about political issues!
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 348
u can't have a plutonic friendship with opposite sex
Posted: 10/7/2010 3:03:19 PM

donald and molly,
ever heard the old expression: you need to let go of the old to bring in the new? it's like a law of nature.....want that great new relationship? let go of the old ties, which includes women you sleep with in the same tent that aren't related or lesbians.

Oh hell yeah, let's DUMP longtime friends of the opposite gender so as to seem more "relationshipworthy".
I'd be inclined to be very dubious about someone who cut all opposite gender friends out of their lives in order to maybe get a new relationship. Sounds pretty shallow and desperate to me.
OF course, emotionally balanced and healthy adults can have friends of the opposite gender. I know of TONS of people,male and female who go to events/camp together and are very close friends due to shared recreation/hobbies or interests.
Me, I'd be real dubious about someone who DIDN'T have a friend or 2 of the opposite gender. Might be an indication of an unhealthy fear or dislike of the opposite gender, or maybe they are so completely ill-behaved that no one of the opposite gender can stand them-and I would NOT see that as a GOOD sign for a "great" relationship.
Cindy O
 RazzleRoadRunner
Joined: 4/13/2007
Msg: 350
u can't have a plutonic friendship with opposite sex
Posted: 10/8/2010 12:59:27 PM
Some people are capable of having a platonic relationship and others simply are not. It's been my personal experience that people who have very little self-control over their sexuality are not capable of this type of friendship with the opposite gender. People who are jealous of another person's platonic friendship.........have no self-control over their jealousy or feelings of possesiveness.

My longest platonic friendship with the opposite sex has been 15 years. Did the subject of physical attraction for each other come up.............Yes. We both agreed that he might wanna find himself a lover and even though I'm attracted to his personality, character and we share a lot of the same interests.........I had no attraction for him in a sexual way.
 Yew4ics
Joined: 9/30/2010
Msg: 353
u can't have a plutonic friendship with opposite sex
Posted: 10/9/2010 5:40:52 AM

but perhaps the real issue is that you are not ready or capable of true intimacy. cowards dilute intimacy by spreading it around, it's safer that way. let the other person put their heart on the line. you aren't ready yet. let the carnage fall where it may, right? because you are self-centered and it doesn't matter does it?


Or maybe the real issue is that someone isn't secure enough about themself, to allow their SO to have the platonic relationships because there is that thing called trust between them. I have many male friends, and our relationship is like siblings. I probably would see them less if I was in a relationship, just as I wouldn't see my girlfriends as much. But that is because of a limited time factor... not because it would be more respectful to the guy I am with.
 RazzleRoadRunner
Joined: 4/13/2007
Msg: 354
u can't have a plutonic friendship with opposite sex
Posted: 10/9/2010 9:56:46 AM
There is little consensus regarding a set definition for the word intimacy, especially when it comes to dating relationships. As well, there are different types of intimacy: physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual. In recent years the term intimacy has come to refer to physical, or sexual contact, rather than all four types combined.

With female & male (no-sex) friendships, emotional, intellectual and spiritual intimacy can be achieved.........people require different levels of intimacy in the different stages of their life. In a platonic friendship/relationship........physical intimacy is never achieved, other than a warm hug or quick peck on the cheek

In the case of a male/female platonic frendship...............some people fear crossing the line to attain the physical intimacy because they value the emotional, intellectual and spiritual intimacy much more and/or are afraid of loosing the other levels of intimacy.
 RazzleRoadRunner
Joined: 4/13/2007
Msg: 359
u can't have a plutonic friendship with opposite sex
Posted: 10/10/2010 5:17:48 PM

Even if you're attracted to them, you might realize they wouldn't be good in a relationship with you, so you just stay friends.


I agree completely........there might be some personality characteristic, habitual behavior, questionable maturity level, etc. that we know wouldn't fit well with the type of relationship that we desire to achieve with a potential SO. But aside from those things, you manage to achieve a wonderful, long-lasting and mutally-satisfying friendship with them. Could the dynamics of such a friendship change over time??????
Absolutely, anything is possible!!!
 RobertKoi
Joined: 11/9/2008
Msg: 360
u can't have a plutonic friendship with opposite sex
Posted: 10/10/2010 6:59:46 PM
A "plutonic" relationship... *scratching my head*

But no, men and women can't be friends plain and simple. In 9 out of 10 cases the guy's hoping to get into her pants and that's it.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 361
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u can't have a plutonic friendship with opposite sex
Posted: 10/10/2010 8:52:25 PM
The difference between a true friend and a casual friend is the ability to put
aside the sexual desires.
I have some very close male friends......and I would never say that somewhere
in their minds they don't find me sexually desirable.....
but I will say they have enough respect for our friendship to never act on those
desires. ( and vice versa for myself towards them)
There are those out there that realize the love a great friend far outweighs
a romp in the hay.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 366
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u can't have a plutonic friendship with opposite sex
Posted: 10/11/2010 2:11:15 AM
Good to know that we are now having relationships in outer space instead of platonic ones. JC on a cracker, do a spell check at least on your thread title.


The only guy friends (of women I know) that i've personally ever heard of who did NOT want to sleep with the woman friend was because they were gay, or had known each other since they were like 2yrs old.

I see it all the time, these women who are like oh him we're just friends...and then I talk to said guy, and in conversation it comes up he's got the hots for her...or would bang her 4 ways to sunday if given the chance.

Maybe not chronological maturity and yet with another five years under his belt a bona fide man made this statement.


I've had female friends that I never wanted to date. If they're not your type, you date other people, and they date other people, and they make a great person to talk to. Even if you're attracted to them, you might realize they wouldn't be good in a relationship with you, so you just stay friends.


As Micki noted, doesn't really matter if there is some underlying attraction on the part of the man or woman when they accept that the other person does not care for them in a romantic way, they have enough respect for the other person to not be an irritating asshat by trying to get into someone's pants whether male or female.
 Montreal_Guy
Joined: 3/8/2004
Msg: 367
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u can't have a plutonic friendship with opposite sex
Posted: 10/11/2010 5:15:23 AM

I don't write off women as friends...but here's the difference, I will call a guy friend and we'll just kick it me and him, play video games, watch movies, hit the gym, have a drink whatever you get the drift...


Same here.

As I mentioned earlier, that's precisely the reason why I've always had women friends.

They give me the opportunity to break out of "bro mode" .
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 369
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u can't have a plutonic friendship with opposite sex
Posted: 10/11/2010 7:12:00 AM

: MsMicki: There are those out there that realize the love a great friend far outweighs a romp in the hay.

mchurch: And this is coming from an advocate of FWB's?

I knew you wouldn't "get it" mchurch.....and I truly didn't want to turn this
thread into another FWB discussion....but you're going to make me explain anyways
by being so obtuse about this.

Yep! And that 1 male friend is the exception. We thoroughly discussed the "benefits" before adding them to the friendship. We didn't add the benefits because we had the hots for each other and couldn't deal with it. We just both decided we wanted some
intimacy in our lives and rather than get that intimacy from strangers ( we both have no desire to "date" at this time) we would take our friendship to a different level.
We're both mature adults that can handle this new level without it ruining our friendship. What we have is special and rare. Not every friendship can handle throwing sex in the mix without it screwing up the friendship. When I ended the "benefits" for a time and did date........he wished me the best and was still a
great friend. This is my personal life that has nothing to do with the rest of my life.

I have male friends that I hang out with regularly.
They love and treat me as an equal. We go fishing, we go shoot pool, we go canoeing,
we discuss our love/sex lives, we discuss politics.....all the stuff friends do.
As I said, some might find me sexually desirable......might even make a comment
if they think I'm looking good, might even give me a smack on the ass when I'm bent over shooting pool.........but the friendship is more important than the desire
to boink me.
 RazzleRoadRunner
Joined: 4/13/2007
Msg: 371
u can't have a plutonic friendship with opposite sex
Posted: 10/11/2010 10:43:52 AM

But no, men and women can't be friends plain and simple. In 9 out of 10 cases the guy's hoping to get into her pants and that's it.


I have a question for all the men out there in POF land...........if you can't maintain friendships/relationships with a woman, how do do you manage relationships with your sister, mother, aunts, grandmother, daughter, etc. and avoid thoughts of wanting to get into her pants??????

The answer could be the "missing link" as to why Amazon women killed the males in the tribe after breeding/impregnating them. It would appear that males were eliminated simply because they couldn't focus on the intense training of survival techniques, due to a man's lack of control over his sexuality. Men may have been considered not much good for anything else, except for breeding.

The term Platonic was derived from the philosopher "Plato." He believed that love could be achieved in it's purest form if the selfish desires of one's sexuality were removed.
 RazzleRoadRunner
Joined: 4/13/2007
Msg: 374
u can't have a platonic friendship with opposite sex
Posted: 10/11/2010 12:30:10 PM

You have to be kidding! Those are family relationships.They are genetic bonds! Even animals know that breeding with close family members will weaken the offspring.We know this instinctively.

Sure there are a few sickos out there who will do these things,but as a whole we know it's bad for the species.Instinctively normal people will be repulsed by doing such things.


I disagree that instinctively humans know NOT to breed with close family members....it is more due to the "social stigma" or "accepted societal restraints in our culture/species" and the scientific knowledge that breeding with close family members may cause birth defects in their offspring. It is one of the reasons that some religious organizations bring in strange males who are genetically different to breed with the females in that particular religious organization.

Some species of animals inter-breed with close family members until birth defects significantly reduce the members of the pack, herd, flock, pod, school, etc., then are forced to look outside their "social structure" to continue procreation of their species.
 RazzleRoadRunner
Joined: 4/13/2007
Msg: 375
u can't have a platonic friendship with opposite sex
Posted: 10/11/2010 12:42:41 PM
Another way that nature inhibits "inter-breeding" are when lone males must fight to kill the dominant male of the "pack" in order to be accepted into the "pack".....as is the case with wolves.

People think that humans are smarter or superior to other animals because we are educated in schools, colleges and universities............but we really are not, IMO.

Ooops sorry, I'm getting off-topic.......back to Platonic Relationships!!!
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