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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abus      Home login  
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 4everPossible99
Joined: 9/29/2009
Msg: 51
How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?Page 3 of 11    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)
That obviously is an extremely difficult situation, but I would advise the relationship to come to a sudden halt because there is no justification for any kind of abuse (verbal or physical). Men rarely will admit to being the victim of either, but when it happens to you no matter who you are it takes its toll and the best thing to do is to find a way to remove yourself from it. It sounds to me like you know what you need to do. Make a change for yourself and find the happiness you deserve.
 stogee
Joined: 1/25/2009
Msg: 52
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How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 1/19/2010 2:07:39 PM
RUN,RUN,RUN,RUN,RUN,RUN,RUN,RUN,RUN,
RUN.................................................
 farscapeprincess
Joined: 4/28/2008
Msg: 53
How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 1/19/2010 2:24:16 PM
I haven't read all the responses in this thread, but I hope the OP went through with the divorce as the original post goes back to '07. A controlling, abusive man should never be tolerated any longer than it takes to get the **** out.

There is a thread in the California forum about these "Taken in Hand/Head of Household" marriages. Basically, the man has the final say in all matters. The wife is submissive to him. This thread is the reason why I would never be in such relationship.
 GotAHubCapDiamondStarHalo
Joined: 10/25/2009
Msg: 54
How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 1/20/2010 12:05:52 PM
I would recommend approximately 60 - 90 days. Compressing the timeline will only make the arsenic easier to detect!
 ohwhynot46
Joined: 6/28/2009
Msg: 55
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How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 1/20/2010 7:27:44 PM
To the original question: as long as it takes you to drive to the attorney, after you discover this is what he is.

I assume walking is joking. There are several vows that make up a marriage contract. Let's not forget "Love, honor & cherish". Once the terms of a contract are broken, the contract is voidable.
 brownie360
Joined: 8/7/2008
Msg: 56
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How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 1/21/2010 2:41:01 AM
Putting up with an abuser is not something I will contend with; which is why Im divorced. You only have one life; why give it and spend it with some pathetic dirt-bag loser? Congrats for finally making moves towards a better life for YOU!
 takin_a_look
Joined: 11/14/2009
Msg: 57
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How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 3/28/2010 12:06:08 PM
you got money and you don't want want to leave an abusive man after all this time? this is 2010 if you're willing to put up with that shit for that long I have no sympathy for ya. GOOD LUCK @ YOUR NEXT ASS KICKING!
 marisia
Joined: 10/25/2008
Msg: 58
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How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 3/28/2010 2:31:43 PM
To those who are lucky enough not to have experienced an abusive rel please do not critisize the actions of those who have. The emotional, psycological and physical effects are many and very powerful. Many of these people are like illusionists of the mind. We end up doubting what we have seen and heard. It is hard to understand unless you have lived it.
 SynergySeven
Joined: 9/16/2007
Msg: 59
How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 3/28/2010 3:02:06 PM
For 5 minutes....long enough to grab her purse and some of her things and leave!
 junipermoon
Joined: 3/1/2006
Msg: 60
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How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 3/28/2010 3:07:03 PM
wow, op. your experience sounds eerily similar to mine...until i got to the part where you had kids and stayed with him for over 20 years.

i lasted 5 years, and had the sense to avoid reproducing. i knew him for 12 years before we married. our families were friends, we went to college together ~ the whole nine yards. to everyone who knew us, we were perfection with a beautiful life ahead of us.

but he decided to become a career drunk, as opposed to the carefree partying we did in college. he got multiple duis, spent time in jail, sustained nerve damage and did all the charming things these people will do. the last few years of the marriage, he rarely came home. he didn't work and spent all his time in the engineering lab on campus (or so he said). i could go to work, but i couldn't go anywhere alone. and i couldn't take calls from friends.

i don't do drama. and i don't play victim either. so i filed for divorce and never looked back. end of story.
 OregonBelladonna
Joined: 7/12/2009
Msg: 61
How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 3/28/2010 5:12:31 PM
Dear 'faith': About 90% of your story sounds like it was written by me. I married a man with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and our life fits your description to a 't'. I thought I'd die of a broken heart if ever he left me. Yet his treatment of me led finally to my suffering from several years of deep depression, during which, at the end, I actually began wondering strange things, like what would be the most painless way to die, and would sleeping pills be enough or would they just leave me brain damaged. However, literally one day it suddenly hit me that I did not love him. I remember sitting in my big blue chair, and it dawned on me that my 'love' for him had been played out as far as it could go. No one tried harder than I, to be what he wanted, to do what he wanted, to live for the survival of the marriage. All without him ever doing his share. I was almost 50, and realized that it was now or never: either leave and start over before it was too late, or stay and know he'll never change and that the rest of my life would be miserable. I felt so free. I felt as if the sun had come out of the clouds and was shining on me. As if a weight of 22 years had been removed. I'd suddenly realized thta I NO LONGER LOVED HIM. I'd done my best to be a good and faithful wife, while he had spent 22 years killing all the 'sweet' young love I had for him. I could walk away knowing I had donen my best AND that I would never miss him. (And not once have I missed him!) I took a little money out of one of the bank accounts, found an apartment, and had it ready for me to go spend the night in (I slept on the floor), the day I told him. He talked about us staying together. He talked about us getting back together. He said he understood what was wrong. He wanted to know what he could do to make things right. I told him he knew. He asked me did it start with flowers? Welll, I'd always wanted him to give me flowers, he'd never done so in all the time we'd been together. He knew that. But no matter how badly he wanted us to stay together, he could not bring himself to buy flowers. You see, a narcissist of his type has so much pride, that he could not bear the idea of having to DO something to get his wife back, particularly something like take a bouquet to her door: after all, he felt that women are here to please men, not the other way around. But mostly because if his friends saw him go against all the advice he'd ever given them about their own marriages (don't bend to women by giving them flowers or letting them drive the car that runs properly, etc.) it would be a sign of weakness. And that's all that really mattered to him.

He is now a lonely man.
 barbs91156
Joined: 8/17/2009
Msg: 62
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How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 4/11/2010 7:48:14 AM
Dear Faithhopelove06,
Any amount of time you spend here is way too long. Do whatever it takes to get away from him, it won't get better it will only get worse. He doesn't care about himself, how could he possibly care about you. A friend who was in recovery, once told me the best thing you can do for someone like this, is to walk away and hope they get help. You might be saving his life, and you'll certainly be saving your own. As far as being alone, as you had to get used to being married, you naturally will get used to being alone. After a while you might even enjoy the peace and quiet.
Good luck and I hope this works out for you.
 Pingshooter
Joined: 3/15/2009
Msg: 63
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How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 4/11/2010 8:36:33 AM

How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?


Until the divorce is final.
 racefan77
Joined: 4/19/2008
Msg: 64
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 Cinnamon Bun
Joined: 3/7/2010
Msg: 65
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How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 4/11/2010 4:13:11 PM
One hour and not a minute more.............
 Cinnamon Bun
Joined: 3/7/2010
Msg: 66
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How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 4/11/2010 4:15:39 PM
You should definitely check out Al-Anon in your area if you haven't already done so!
 CookieLady66
Joined: 11/7/2008
Msg: 67
How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 4/13/2010 9:48:06 AM

How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?


I didn't even have to read that huge paragraph to say this:


GET THE HE*LL OUT NOW! Or you may just be leaving in a body bag.
 anewstartforme
Joined: 4/4/2010
Msg: 68
How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 7/24/2010 8:13:04 PM
OP, I don't know know if you're still signing on and reading but your post struck home with me. I too was in a verbally and sometimes physically abusive relationship with a raging alcoholic. We were married for 17 years total until I knew I had to get out or one of us would be six feet under. I too have been called every imaginable name under the sun all in front of my children. I finally had enough and knew for everyone's sanity that it had to end. I have never been happier in my entire life than I am right now. The one thing I wanted in life was peace and I have that now.

How can you possibly go on with a man who tries to demean you and totally mess with your mind by telling you he had a fake affair? There is no love here because someone who loves you would never put you through that kind of pain. Like you, I had no idea how I was going to make it on my own. I worried about putting a roof over my children's heads and keeping food on the table. I finally had just had enough and I took a leap of faith and ended it. It was the best decision I ever made. I saw so much of myself in your opening post and I look back at what I was then and what I am now. Please, please, please find the strength to end it with this man. If not for yourself, do it for your children so that they have the opportunity to see this is not how people should really live!!!!
 home_osorio
Joined: 2/12/2011
Msg: 69
 Sportsfreak89
Joined: 12/28/2010
Msg: 70
How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 7/14/2011 8:16:59 PM
Why the woman even got married to the alcoholic in the first place is beyond me.
 gentleplus
Joined: 9/8/2008
Msg: 71
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How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 7/14/2011 8:43:50 PM
As long as she needs to feel powerless and stupid
 AlreadyTakenBootboy
Joined: 11/5/2009
Msg: 72
How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 7/14/2011 10:10:21 PM
well.... that is alot to go through! wow... abuse isn't good.... iether verbal.... or emotional.... so you did the right thing by leaving.
 HappyLibra70
Joined: 5/17/2009
Msg: 73
How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 7/15/2011 12:33:20 AM
Seriously? Oh I'm going to say 1 week to all your life, it all depends on how much you value your life or how little. Since you asked the furumites we have the right to tell you how long you should stay in that kind of marriage. So I will suggest that you stay with him forever, that should be your sentence for asking such a question, and also for your awful grammar, and horrible writing skills!

On a more serious note though, run!
 Iced1071
Joined: 7/2/2011
Msg: 74
How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 7/15/2011 7:07:04 AM
To me it depends on the circumstances..did you marry him like this or did something traumatic happen to him and this is the path he chose to deal with it? Wrong path it may be, but it also could be his way of screaming for help.

I speak from experience - when I came back from afghanistan, I had no idea I Had PTSD ( i didn't find out til not long ago.) When I initially came back, I was heavy into drinking and didn't really realize my own path of self destruction til months later..and I also said some things to my ex that she didn't deserve.

But you know what? It took a couple of things to snap me out of it:
1)Seeing my Friends Drunk in a club and how unattractive that is.
2)The weight loss/money/fact that one of my friends got so wasted he drove home
and didn't remember ditching me at the club.
3)My father is an alchy and I've seen what you become..not pretty, but didn't snap me out of it either. The #1 thing did, especially when I realized I was hurting the person I loved most.

If there were was something traumatic that happened to him - Honestly, if you really love him - get him into therapy. Take the Bottle AWAY. If he refuses help, threaten to leave,show him you're serious and tell him that he needs help. Worst come to worst you need to create a bottom for him if he can't snap out of it himself. Maybe take him to an AA meeting and just have him sit and listen to people and their stories... Show him the health risks that are associated with it. But he needs to snap out of his funk and figure he CAN control his addiction - its a CHOICE he makes.

As a guy - what worked for me also was realizing how much I hurt my ex as we were going through it. That helped me snap out of it a few times,but I fell back into the pit when I moved in with new friends temporarily (moved to start college in another state,no we didn't break up or seperate). Communicate your feelings to him when he's sober - how much it hurts,how it scares you, what it means to you...And emphasize that it hurts you - because it does afterall right? Just make sure you do it when he's SOBER, and NOT When he first wakes up in the morning... I'd also suggest writing a love letter. There are many ways to communicate to him - you really just gotta find a way to get it across and find out what words make him think.

I don't know how bad he was - I wasn't as bad as some of the people in AA...But I don't believe alcoholism is some incurable disease. Its a choice and a decision we all make - the question is,is your will stronger than your addiction?
 Iced1071
Joined: 7/2/2011
Msg: 75
How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 7/15/2011 7:35:51 AM

Yes lots of soldiers come back with PTS and drinking is a way of blocking out things and my great grandfather came back after the war, his friends came back from war and started drinking heavily and became alcoholic.
Its good that it is identified now and so much help available, but it still is a very big problem these days, Speaking to some younger soldiers I could see that relaxing for them was going out to bars and drinking to the point of destuction , and little understanding of why they were doing this, which is understandable when young men are being fired at all day, every day.
I hope they all get help like you have done and recover so they are not subject to a lifetime of it and that ex military continue to help them through there own experience


Thanks. The thing I had to realize was "Am I going to keep running my issues and numbing it, or tackle it head on?" I'm not usually one whose known to run so the decision was easier for me once I cleared my head... but getting to that point is not easy - I really had no idea really even why I was doing it.

Identify, confront ,and treat it. And thanks again for the kind words :). I should have mentioned I don't have it anymore, atleast enough to be clinically diagnosed with it - but well, 4th of july was fun for about 5 minutes lol :)
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