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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abus      Home login  
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 home_osorio
Joined: 2/12/2011
Msg: 69
How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?Page 6 of 11    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)
did you leave him already?
 Sportsfreak89
Joined: 12/28/2010
Msg: 70
How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 7/14/2011 8:16:59 PM
Why the woman even got married to the alcoholic in the first place is beyond me.
 gentleplus
Joined: 9/8/2008
Msg: 71
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How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 7/14/2011 8:43:50 PM
As long as she needs to feel powerless and stupid
 AlreadyTakenBootboy
Joined: 11/5/2009
Msg: 72
How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 7/14/2011 10:10:21 PM
well.... that is alot to go through! wow... abuse isn't good.... iether verbal.... or emotional.... so you did the right thing by leaving.
 HappyLibra70
Joined: 5/17/2009
Msg: 73
How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 7/15/2011 12:33:20 AM
Seriously? Oh I'm going to say 1 week to all your life, it all depends on how much you value your life or how little. Since you asked the furumites we have the right to tell you how long you should stay in that kind of marriage. So I will suggest that you stay with him forever, that should be your sentence for asking such a question, and also for your awful grammar, and horrible writing skills!

On a more serious note though, run!
 Iced1071
Joined: 7/2/2011
Msg: 74
How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 7/15/2011 7:07:04 AM
To me it depends on the circumstances..did you marry him like this or did something traumatic happen to him and this is the path he chose to deal with it? Wrong path it may be, but it also could be his way of screaming for help.

I speak from experience - when I came back from afghanistan, I had no idea I Had PTSD ( i didn't find out til not long ago.) When I initially came back, I was heavy into drinking and didn't really realize my own path of self destruction til months later..and I also said some things to my ex that she didn't deserve.

But you know what? It took a couple of things to snap me out of it:
1)Seeing my Friends Drunk in a club and how unattractive that is.
2)The weight loss/money/fact that one of my friends got so wasted he drove home
and didn't remember ditching me at the club.
3)My father is an alchy and I've seen what you become..not pretty, but didn't snap me out of it either. The #1 thing did, especially when I realized I was hurting the person I loved most.

If there were was something traumatic that happened to him - Honestly, if you really love him - get him into therapy. Take the Bottle AWAY. If he refuses help, threaten to leave,show him you're serious and tell him that he needs help. Worst come to worst you need to create a bottom for him if he can't snap out of it himself. Maybe take him to an AA meeting and just have him sit and listen to people and their stories... Show him the health risks that are associated with it. But he needs to snap out of his funk and figure he CAN control his addiction - its a CHOICE he makes.

As a guy - what worked for me also was realizing how much I hurt my ex as we were going through it. That helped me snap out of it a few times,but I fell back into the pit when I moved in with new friends temporarily (moved to start college in another state,no we didn't break up or seperate). Communicate your feelings to him when he's sober - how much it hurts,how it scares you, what it means to you...And emphasize that it hurts you - because it does afterall right? Just make sure you do it when he's SOBER, and NOT When he first wakes up in the morning... I'd also suggest writing a love letter. There are many ways to communicate to him - you really just gotta find a way to get it across and find out what words make him think.

I don't know how bad he was - I wasn't as bad as some of the people in AA...But I don't believe alcoholism is some incurable disease. Its a choice and a decision we all make - the question is,is your will stronger than your addiction?
 Iced1071
Joined: 7/2/2011
Msg: 75
How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 7/15/2011 7:35:51 AM

Yes lots of soldiers come back with PTS and drinking is a way of blocking out things and my great grandfather came back after the war, his friends came back from war and started drinking heavily and became alcoholic.
Its good that it is identified now and so much help available, but it still is a very big problem these days, Speaking to some younger soldiers I could see that relaxing for them was going out to bars and drinking to the point of destuction , and little understanding of why they were doing this, which is understandable when young men are being fired at all day, every day.
I hope they all get help like you have done and recover so they are not subject to a lifetime of it and that ex military continue to help them through there own experience


Thanks. The thing I had to realize was "Am I going to keep running my issues and numbing it, or tackle it head on?" I'm not usually one whose known to run so the decision was easier for me once I cleared my head... but getting to that point is not easy - I really had no idea really even why I was doing it.

Identify, confront ,and treat it. And thanks again for the kind words :). I should have mentioned I don't have it anymore, atleast enough to be clinically diagnosed with it - but well, 4th of july was fun for about 5 minutes lol :)
 valenciacityx
Joined: 3/10/2009
Msg: 76
How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 7/16/2011 5:57:01 AM
YEARS - if you love him ENOUGH he will change for you.


cheer up, at least he isnt the NICE guy.
 peppermint petunias
Joined: 9/2/2009
Msg: 77
How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 7/16/2011 10:25:09 AM

How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?


I am sure he was the poster boy of perfection before the ceremony..but
Answer

As long as it takes to whack him in the head with an iron skillet/brass candle stick in the library and grab your purse and keys..
 dd3va
Joined: 11/18/2008
Msg: 78
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How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 7/16/2011 11:44:13 AM
Unless you have been through it, you don't know. I cannot speak on abusive relationships, but alcoholics I can. I grew up with 2 alcoholic parents, and neither would admit they were because (a) in the seventies, you didn't talk about those things and (b) neither drank during the day and were not in the gutter drunks as they described alcoholics to be. So as much as I despised people that drank a lot and swore never to be like that or love anyone like that, I had 2 long term relationships with alcoholic men. I took years and I do mean years of self realization, self esteem and research to learn why I chose men like that. Why did I think I could "fix"What about them was attractive and triggered my affection. I don't have it all figured out yet. It is a daily process. This will sound terribly simple, but I had to learn to love myself enough to want better.
 cantmakeuluvme
Joined: 10/8/2010
Msg: 79
How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 7/16/2011 11:57:54 AM
1st I undrstand why you stayed for the children, though it may not have been the best decision I understand why. Your children are not blind and have seen what you have descrbed. You should contact a divorce attorney to no exatly what your options are. They should be able to set you straight on on potential spousal support, child support, and even possibly putting in a protection order if you feel the need.

I just finished a divorce and this would have been my 30th year of marriage! I lived through similiar issues and I did it for my children as well as being afraid of the unknown.

Bottom line! Everyone is miserable & you don't feel safe, TIME TO MAKE A STAND.

THE CHOICES ARE YOURS - I KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO - I DID IT

Best regards!
 peppermint petunias
Joined: 9/2/2009
Msg: 80
 debnm
Joined: 6/14/2011
Msg: 81
How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 7/16/2011 5:03:56 PM
I left after a 13 year marriage, and had one son 5 years old. My ex was very abusive and threatened to hunt me down and kill me, I had no drivers license, no job, no car, he made it as though I had no way out.
Then while watching Oprah, she had a battered woman expert on, and I learned at that timeabout battered womens shelters. It wasn't long after that I left him for good.
At the shelter I learned so much about myself, I was so lost, and they helped me find me.
When I first left it was as though I was stepping off a cliff in the dark, not knowing where
I would land.
To those of you afraid of where you will land, I can only say this...
On your own two feet.
You learn to live the way you were intended to live, Free from abuse. Free to be you.
It was very liberating, And it showed my son that was not the way to treat women. If you
have kids what message are they getting?
The girls learn it is okay to be abused,
and the boys learn it is okay to abuse.
Choice should be easy. It is that first step that is the hardest. Then it gets easier as
you get yourself back.
That was a little over 20 years ago. I am very satisfied with how things turned out for
me and my son. I am not a victom haven't been for years,
I am a survivor. And you can be too.
 debnm
Joined: 6/14/2011
Msg: 82
How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 7/16/2011 5:39:52 PM
Well it shouldn't be. It doesn't matter how you find your way out, just that you do.
Abuse is life threatening and it does not get better unless the abuser gets help, and even
then the damage is done.
You can call it funny, goofy, or outrageous, I am alive because I got out.
 stilldreaming61
Joined: 4/29/2011
Msg: 83
How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 7/16/2011 9:11:01 PM
I didn't read your entire explanation nor most of the posts. Your question says all I need to know. You need to get away from anyone in your life that you describe as
"a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic." Do it NOW and don't waste another moment.
 yestoday07
Joined: 6/10/2011
Msg: 84
How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 7/17/2011 4:52:55 AM
I spent 18 years with an alcholic. I gound it to be exhausting, embarrassing since he was at bars seven days a week, and lonely. Once I left the situation, I had panci attacks for six months because of the fear of not making it on my own. Two years later, I'm happy, I have peace, I don't get woken up at 2am by a disrespectful drunk arriving home making all kinds of noice, I don't have to deal with his anger, grumpiness because needs a drink to level out his moodiness, I don't have to wait on him to come home for dinner or call him ten times a night to come home from the bar. He's not my problem any more and I am a much better person for it. Leave him, give yourself time to heal and get over the co-dependency you have with him. You are an enabler...spend your talents giving to people who really want to change...an alcholic can't change without wanting to. My ex told me recently that he likes his life and will never change when I asked if he wanted to try again for our son. So, I rest my case! Good luck...you can do it alone...I did!!
 magicallaroundme
Joined: 3/9/2011
Msg: 85
How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 7/17/2011 5:30:27 AM
For Life. Divorce is a mortal sin.
 Easygoin68a
Joined: 5/17/2011
Msg: 86
How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 7/28/2011 9:14:07 PM
You lost me after the 2nd very long run-on sentence.

If you are being abused. Leave, and call the police.
 2dance2live
Joined: 1/17/2011
Msg: 87
How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 7/29/2011 7:49:15 AM
You have to learn to love yourself again and you wil never be alone because you have your family & most importantly your children. Trust me when I say he will never change & its time you put yourself first. Stand up for yourself & show your children what self respect is & what love truly is. Wishing you all the best I have been there before.
 AgentFury
Joined: 12/6/2010
Msg: 88
How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 7/29/2011 8:33:34 AM
For better or worse - Til death do us part
 mrcs84
Joined: 12/9/2008
Msg: 89
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How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 7/29/2011 8:36:22 AM
Just tough it out. I'm sure he still LOOOOVES you. Just remember, it's your fault that he keeps acting the way he does around you. And look at the bright side, I'm sure you've gotten some really thick skin from all of the verbal beatings.

I'm sure I'm not the only person here that thinks that this thread probably should have been deleted before it even got to the second page.
 number451
Joined: 6/2/2010
Msg: 90
 infennario
Joined: 5/24/2011
Msg: 91
How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 8/21/2011 3:17:24 PM
This thread started so long ago. Anway...

<div class="quote"> If anyone has left an abusive relationship like mine I would love to find out how you did it, what was your turning point, what gave you courage, how did you handle the religious and spiritual aspects of it? I just want to love and be loved...how can that be so complicated? How much more of me do I loose waiting for him to change? How do I get over the fear of being alone even though money won't be a problem? Thank you so much for any help you can give me!!

I left such a situation. Leave as soon as you are possibly safely able to- emphasis on *safely.* I lost a friend to DV. It’s epidemic. If you haven’t thought of it yet (although most abuse targets have), first, be careful about internet communications and other traceable communication, as you are preparing to leave- cookies, deleting internet history and key-loggers.

The “good times” are an integral part of the cycle of abuse, and are NOT a less dangerous period. Embrace help. Getting out is THE key, but leaving has to be done safely and wisely. If you have a divorce ahead, how you leave is important in that respect too. You can do it. Google “abuse escape plan.”

As to the spiritual component,there are traditional Christians and others who are bloggers and activitis on the issues of abuse and faith.

I found the following to be very helpful for me: Therapy (including EMDR for PTSD, a great therapeutic tool). A support group (AlAnon and CoDA address the essence of these issues, even where abuse isn’t alcohol-related; even an online group- delete those cookies, ease your history, learn what a key-logger is!). For reading: Lundy Bancroft’s books, Patricia Evans’ books, and Gavin DeBecker’s “The Gift of Fear.” Learning about Stockholm Syndrome and Traumatic Bonding was jaw-dropping for me. Again, safety first. No abuser is going to take kindly to one of these books on your nightstand.

People who survive trauma and abuse are actually strong- surviving it takes strength. As you go about leaving, you will use your strength for something new and different and you might find you have a great deal more energy to apply once you are out of the over-powering relationship.
 Pasionlatina529
Joined: 8/5/2011
Msg: 92
How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 8/21/2011 4:41:56 PM
Didn't have time to read ur book..but under NOoooo circumstances should u take abuse..however..maybe ur used to it so much u won't leave. I will pray for you.
 mako20
Joined: 9/8/2007
Msg: 93
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How long should a woman remain married to a controlling verbally abusive alcoholic?
Posted: 8/21/2011 6:57:59 PM
Must be hard,,,,but every min you stay is one less you could be moveing on and being happy,,most people do not change they are who they are,,move on with your life.
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