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Joined: 9/2/2007
Msg: 51
How do you spot a playerPage 3 of 13    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)
^^^^LOL...those guys don't sound like players...they sound like ***holes...the players I've met are actually super nice, great guys, alot of fun to be with who just happen to be really hot too...that's why it's so easy to be drawn/attracted to them...the other guys you mention...not so much...I don't think he'll catch too many women with that attitude.

Okey, you're last comment may make sense...the shifty no good players may just try to be/act like the perfect go you want them to be to get what they want...then be not so nice once they get it or if they don't get it
Joined: 9/29/2009
Msg: 52
How do you spot a player
Posted: 10/2/2009 8:53:28 PM
The overlap between players and ***holes is huge. If theese guys were really "nice, great guys," then they weren't players. At least not by my definition.
Joined: 9/2/2007
Msg: 53
How do you spot a player
Posted: 10/2/2009 9:17:05 PM

The overlap between players and ***holes is huge. If theese guys were really "nice, great guys," then they weren't players. At least not by my definition.

I think the players you speak of are another type of player...they're shifty in character, dishonest, lie, cheat, etc...
Joined: 2/21/2005
Msg: 54
How do you spot a player
Posted: 10/2/2009 10:53:02 PM
oh I have a good one to tell.

Years ago I was between boyfriends. Got approached by an old boyfriend who had cheated on me. I caught him because the girl he cheated on me with was a friend of mine, and he had been lying to both of us, really playing both of us. We happened to go to a local bar together, and there he was. Both of us thought we were dating him,exclusively. We both approached him, thinking we were his one and only. He turned so white he freakin glowed. Fast forward, she storms out, I right hook him, we all get thrown out of the bar.

So he apologizes, tells me how sorry he is, how he really wishes he'd never messed with her, and how he still misses me, all the crap you'd expect. I don't believe a word of it, but to be honest, he was always really good in bed, and I was in the mood for some physical comfort, so we end up spending the night together. Yes, before you even think it, I made sure he wrapped it up.

After it's over, I'm getting ready to leave, I ask him if he's seeing anyone. He admits he has a girlfriend. I literally have to sit down I'm laughing so hard. I tell him, well, I guess a leopard never changes it's spots. He says, and I quote "yeah, I'm just a bast@rd".

That's how you spot a player. If they do it once, they'll do it again. Lesson learned.
Glad I grew up.

Joined: 9/16/2007
Msg: 55
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How do you spot a player
Posted: 10/3/2009 11:30:31 AM
^^^^ Yea, you gals really know how to pick `em.

It's largely futile for women to try and "spot a player" in advance, as women are almost entirely clueless when it comes to judging male character. Instead they display a nearly uniform "commitment skepticism" -- skepticism about whether the guy is really committed and is "really faithful", or "just using her" -- which is a part of women's "game".

Only other males really have the ability to judge male character at all accurately, which is no doubt why the custom evolved in so many cultures of a (male) suitor having to ask a woman's male relative (usually her father) for permission to have access to her gametes.

By basically turning the permission step over to women themselves, all that's happened is the field has been opened up to cads because women are so lousy at screening them out.
Joined: 9/6/2009
Msg: 56
How do you spot a player
Posted: 10/4/2009 10:34:46 AM
In my mind, a player is a man who is deceiving women and pretending to be interested in more than just a sexual relationship and who feigns exclusivity and this kind of man is busy engaging in subterfuge to hide from each woman the existence of the others.

^^^I totally agree with this 100%, well said
Joined: 3/11/2007
Msg: 57
How do you spot a player
Posted: 10/4/2009 8:13:47 PM
hmm...i think i met a player once. anyway, at the time, he seemed so very, very sincere & was extremely convincing, but as i read the 14 points mazli posted, he hit about 12 of them. i couldn't see it at the time. as i said, he was very convincing & seemed so sweet, innocent, and sincere. i'm fairly bright, so i would have *thought* i would have caught it, but there was no way to catch it until after the fact. those 14 points seem so obvious when reading them, but if someone is that smooth, the whole thing will be very subtle and convincing.

i think, if someone is truly a player, they're often very-well practiced and very subtle. just cannot until after the fact!

anyway, i knew for sure when i found him on one of those "player outing" sites!!!! some gal had posted about him and i read her post skeptically as she was obviously angry at him....but her description & the level of detail in her post was just eerily & uncannily was almost verbatim how he acted around me...right down to the phrases he used, his mannerisms, getsures, thoughts, etc. he used with me. almost as though she had been privy to my private conversations with him! soooo eery!
anyway, it turned out he had a whole string of women he was saying exactly the same things to...he was in "love" with all of us!

those 14'll be really subtle at the time, but you'll recognize most of them after the fact!!!!

looking back over my dating life, i think this was the only time i've been played. he was just very good at it....very charming, never overdid nor underdid it, and he came off as sweet, sincere, innocent, respectful, etc. he was the last person you would have ever guessed...and i can still say that to this day long after i've been over him.
 ~Azul Ojos~
Joined: 7/2/2008
Msg: 58
How do you spot a player
Posted: 1/24/2010 4:14:58 PM

But players come in all shapes and sizes with varying traits and attributes.
So true. Hard to define a player.
Joined: 8/28/2009
Msg: 59
How do you spot a player
Posted: 1/24/2010 7:10:06 PM
Re Message 184 by batgirl

<div class="quote">
Dead Giveaway Signs 1: When Making Phone Contact He Calls You
Dead Giveaway Signs 2: You Have a Time Slot
Dead Giveaway Signs 3: Hidden Comments on Social Websites
Dead Giveaway Signs 4: Secret Code Public Bulletins
Dead Giveaway Signs 5: Talking About Other Women Harassing Him
Dead Giveaway Signs 6: Sends Presents to You for No Reason
Dead Giveaway Signs 7: Sick Relative
Dead Giveaway Signs 8: Can't Remember Your Interests
Dead Giveaway Signs 9: Very Open About His Life
Dead Giveaway Signs 10: Suddenly Has Multiple Accounts or Threatens to Close

I'll submit that there are plenty of female players and date whores out there that show many of the same warning signs. I'm just getting back into dating and am starting to 'break the code'.

One side note, I'm not bitter about any of it. I'm having a great time and have met some decent people along with the players. I've figured out how to neutralize the 'date whores' and as far as the female players if I know what to look for, I can avoid them. I don't need the drama. (date whore = someone who lists themselves as looking for an LTR but is really just looking for serial dating with no emotional contact and perhaps some select sexual contact. The female player is married or living together and looking for some exciting one night stands)

#1 - Applies to female players who are married but listed as not married. You only get a cell and a throw away email address. However, that could also be a factor of women taking necessary safety precautions
#2 - For female players. Date whores will work you in when they can.
#3 &4 - Admittedly not up to speed on that yet
#5 - Hmm, Yep, lots of stories about the crazy ex that don't add up or have plot holes you can sail an aircraft carrier through. (OTOH, there are some ex stories that are either verifiable or seem honest)
#6. Haven't had that but wouldn't complain. Also, I'm honest about my status. A woman could use that tactic, say a fedex shipment that must be signed for, to see if a guy is really single.
#7 - Could apply to female players and date whores. In either case, they got a better offer for that weekend
#8 - the female players are juggling too much and the date whores don't really care about you anyway. However, I would give a lot of slack here especially to divorced moms who have a couple of kids and a job. When you have to deal with three pre-teen kids, you might not remember everything your date said over a three hour period.
#9. Hmmmmmm - I have run into what seems to be 'too much information' on the first or second date. Now that I think back on a couple of situations, I'm not sure if it was a situation dump or just rehashing a well rehearsed cover story. My guess is that the female players would be more apt to do this than a date whore.
#10 - Not enough experience to nail this down. POF is the only site I'm on. The easiest thing here would be for a woman to simply block the guy.

I've been wondering about the number of female profiles with no pic and very scanty bio info. My guess is that some portion of these are female players. They want to get out there but are cagey so that their hubby doesn't find them online. (the date whores want to attract so they do put out good photos and a full profile. )

BTW - I hadn't thought about the prospect of female players when getting into the dating thing. I picked up on something a person I had met said and then I chanced into a conversation with the father of one of my friends. He figured out the female player thing early into his dating experiences. Once I had those two peices, the whole thing popped into place.

Let me also add that I've also met some genuine women who were exactly who they said they were. There were no gaping holes in their stories and they weren't hiding anything.
Joined: 12/12/2008
Msg: 60
How do you spot a player
Posted: 1/26/2010 9:01:49 AM
Here is my experience, meeting a guy on eharmony, then saw him on pof. we met in the summer time. talked for hours a day. the very first conversation he asked why i was divorced and told me his life story of marriages. a week or two later, we had a 3 hour dinner and really clicked. instant chemistry, cute guy, all the right moves. little communication for a week then nothing. i would see him on here every time i was on. all the time!!! he would email me on here every few weeks or so. so, a few months after our first date, we start emailing on here, meet for drinks, sit in his car and talk for hours. i didnt want to drive home, that's why we talked in his car-but he had offered that i come to his house and stay in his guestroom. hmmm. i said no. btw, this is supposedly a very very christian man who said he doesnt have sex outside of marriage and had been div for 4 years, the last woman he slept w was his wife. so over the next 2 weeks, hours of phone calls a day, the following friday night-movie-he picked a chick flick-arm around me, mr charming, back to my house, spends the night cuddling on the couch. felt great. next night, came over, was an hour after he said he was on his way. what was he doing? btw he always ran an hour late. always excuses. forgot his wallet, taking a shower. next day, sunday-i asked him to go to church w/me. sure no problem! just before church-got called into work on an emergency which was gone into in great detail. calls me sweetie, sweets, sweetheart, nice texts. still, no personal email address. very interested in everything about me, we have everything in common i cannot find a single flaw. and i am looking. friday comes along, brings dinner, spends the night. things get steamy. for a guy who doesnt have sex before marriage, well a real christian man isnt going to put him in the position where he is tempted. i know, i have responsibility too but i just thought, he's the one!! there is somuch compatability, chemistry, blah blah btw, we did not have sex but did go further than it shoudl have. gets up in the morning to go on a men's conference at church. really? a men's conference after staying over at a womans house? how hyppocritical is that? was he really there? who knows??? no text, phone call late next night, long story of how good the day was. sunday-no call, no email, no text, i got 4 stories of what he was doing and a call in the late evening. i said, things got serious lets talk about not dating others. now full of excuses. monday-not available for text, meeting, no phone call, no email. lesson learned. the christian players tell you what you want to hear. they are cute, charming, always at church, pray before dinner, looking for marriage, willing to rent their home so you can be married and live where your kids go to ladies, we think we've hit the jackpot. he really had his game down, so smooth, i didnt see it coming. the bottom line is, dont give up the cookie, thats all they are after, and the challenge/hunt. and as soon as they get it theyre off to conquer the next girl who will take the bait hook line and sinker. i'm done with the bullshit.
Joined: 8/19/2004
Msg: 61
How do you spot a player
Posted: 1/26/2010 2:44:08 PM
^^^I assume you meant that she sounds bitter. What is wrong with being honest and if she sounds bitter, so what? She has a right to feel this way, and I am sure that "this too shall pass". Seems as if anytime someone expresses displeasure about something that happened when the man was a jerk the woman is always bitter. It is difficult to spot a player sometimes , and my fear for myself is that I might meet an honest to goodness non player of a man and not believe him. There are some marvelous men who do not play women, but there are an awful lot who seem to love to play with our emotions. I am sure that men say the same thing about some women.
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 62
How do you spot a player
Posted: 1/26/2010 7:52:22 PM
Players come in many forms (I think they're shape shifters). Use your instincts and if those have failed you in the past start reading all the forums here - learn from others.
Any attempt at coercion, no respect for personal boundaries, is rushing things along, actions don't match their words, they run hot and cold, they want to be able to reach you but you can never access them - God it's endless. Good Luck! Maybe bring holy water, garlic, a crucifix, a mirror, and a big wooden stake.
Joined: 10/14/2007
Msg: 63
How do you spot a player
Posted: 1/26/2010 7:59:05 PM
Think of Charlie in Two and a Half Men. The older shows. He's a good example of a player.
Joined: 10/9/2008
Msg: 64
How do you spot a player
Posted: 1/26/2010 8:21:21 PM

I'm pretty new to the dating world. I'd love to get some input on "players" and how to spot them. Anyone willing to help? What constitutes a player?

pretty self explanatory

they are usually the ones with a little bit a bullchit left on their chin.....
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 65
How do you spot a player
Posted: 1/26/2010 10:59:04 PM
There are some very good answers on here, but they're all too complicated!

The simple truth is that ANY man can be a player, be it a full-on player or just player you.

What makes him a player? YOU DO, by allowing yourself to do things you wouldn't normally do without more of a commitment. If you're allowing your fantasy view of him to guide your actions then you're either being played or playing yourself.
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 66
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How do you spot a player
Posted: 1/27/2010 8:02:50 AM
Msg.1: I was told to spot a player is they how he walks >> His crotch is protuded not his stomach, but guys hide their being a player, it is like looking a needle in a hays stock..
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 67
view profile
How do you spot a player
Posted: 1/27/2010 12:25:14 PM
Ronnie baby! oh babe!!!!! I was not born yesterday for your information, ...
YOU DON'T LOOK CUTE AND HANDSOME when you insult my brain ,so knock it off.

What part of the crotch word that riled you up ??????
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 68
view profile
How do you spot a player
Posted: 1/27/2010 2:18:41 PM

Vannili, players are so obvious. Women must be genetically fated to be blind to these guys. Or maybe they are so busy pushing your buttons that your brains get flummoxed.

There is no PLAYER IF there is no GAME. Every man knows that . I am a woman and I know that too.....
Joined: 1/16/2008
Msg: 69
How do you spot a player
Posted: 1/27/2010 2:35:12 PM
My definition of a player is a guy who calculated exactly how much he needs to give in a relationship with a given woman in order to get what he wants(usually sex and/or money) then gives that and not an iota more.

They usually keep their options open. This means that they aren't big on making firm plans ahead of time.

They are often pretty stingy. They may follow the Tom Leykis rule of not spending more than $30 on a date.

Sex-motivated players often won't see you in settings where sex isn't possible.

They usually want to go to your place. this is another Tom Leykis rule, but can also mean that they're married.

They are not
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 70
view profile
How do you spot a player
Posted: 1/27/2010 3:16:50 PM
Thank you feline fan, but if a woman will believe all the telltales of a definition of a player ,they can not get a good man because they will suspect all the men are players ie flirting sweet talking, wants to sample her cooking ect.etc..... I suspect these men who author some book on datings are putting fear on women.. By looking you can not spot a player but by interacting with them , you will know their intention if they want a serious commitment or just playing with you... They maybe player/ playboy/ gigolo/ men but they may change into a good lover/marriage material once they learned that you are a GOOD match for them, and that happens, we can not judge a person. We are evolving like the earth we are prone into changing..

What I know is a woman should not open her legs to know a man but her mind, and she knows her self values and doesn't lower her standard for nothing..
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 71
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How do you spot a player
Posted: 1/27/2010 7:13:54 PM
shrimpscampi: I am sorry of your experienced with this man. Talking hours a day ,emailing everyday 3 hours dinner talking each other status doesn't gurantee that you will know the person verywell and his intention. You invited him to your house,huh that is scary.. and you don't know him very well..........
Of course ,a man and a woman will have a great chemistry even in a few minutes meeting(sexually) but if you give in because of his sweet talk and slowwww hand you are in as a victim .
All the guys I dated, I am more enterested about what kind of person he is and not what kind of a man he is. A person can lie by their mouth but they can not lie by their actions.. There is a big different of a man and a PERSON,( and that goes with women too).
Most people wants action to get something for nothing,(greed) and my motto is "I give nothing for nothing".. This is me and I don't impose my morals to others.
I wish that the next man will love and cherish you for you are a nice woman and a person...

Joined: 10/6/2009
Msg: 72
view profile
How do you spot a player
Posted: 1/28/2010 4:16:08 PM
The greater his confidence,
The more women he has been with,
The more likely you will not be good enough for him

Although the really good players can read what you want and tailor their approach just for you :D
Joined: 12/26/2009
Msg: 73
How do you spot a player
Posted: 1/30/2010 12:11:13 AM
A player will have plausible explanations for everything, and will offer them up without being asked. I was late because... I didn't call because... I stood you up because...

They're totally into you for day or two and then you won't hear from them for a few days because they "got really busy." Don't buy it. Every guy I've ever dated that has turned into something long term, there was near daily contact after the first date.

I have had some who actually DO remember little details about you too. They want you to think they really are into you, so they remember stuff to make you think that. These guys are evolving like viruses.

I'm not opposed to sex on the first date. I've had it end up in two long term relationships, 5 years and 4 years respectively. But here's the thing. I went into both of them expecting that that would be the last time I saw them. They just happened to keep calling me.

I've had some where it was a one night stand, it it didn't upset me since I never expected any more than that. If you're one of those people who can't have sex without emotional attachment, then do not try at home. I am fine with sex on the first date. I am also fine with waiting a month. Whatever feels right at the time.
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 74
view profile
How do you spot a player
Posted: 1/30/2010 8:01:55 AM
Some are usually profiled in mags like Life & Style, Cosmopolitan or the trashy tabloids. Sorry but some loser deceiving women who can't even afford a bus pass is not a real player.

Passionate Gent: That was a bulls eye shot. That bring me back to earlier life when I was a young girl working as a housekeeper/cook to some super handsome rich bachelors while going to school .. we live in a flat or condominion and I befriend girls that works for bachelors or bacheloretts too.
Those rich bachelors have so many many women that comes to them .like actresses, models ,socialites singles/married women...Sometimes, their schedule is mixed up while the lady was in the house ,another lady is bussing the doorbell. And it is a no no to bother Sir while he is with a lady ,so when I saw the other lady I went out and close ( locked Ihave a key inside my pocket) the door and talk to her outside the door ,I lied to her that Sir is not home the big give away is his car in the garage, and I close the door and talked to her ,she slaps me and fulled my hair and insulted me that I am having an affair with my boss,I did not fight back to her and the security guard intervened *calmly*.. When my boss learned about it he laugh so hard and it was a topic among his friends in a party and he gave me a big bonus. I got smarter if some woman would want to see Sir ,guards will intercom me in advance,in returned I gave them food. Now, I've seen on the TV news one of them is a Senator, and one is in London and they are happily married with adult kids... Those young bachelors that I work for ,they are very strict like a father protective, very generous concerned of my family and it never comes to my mind that what they are doing is wrong ,playing with women.
Joined: 7/8/2008
Msg: 75
view profile
How do you spot a player
Posted: 1/30/2010 9:13:01 AM
Passionate Gent : Where are the words ??? Did the Cat got your tongue ?

Your words are like a tumbling stars from the sky.. *****************************

PS we are still on the tract of the topic but it diversified on another branch of the topic... which is not boring.
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