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 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 102
How do you spot a playerPage 9 of 13    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)
I can't imagine that it's that much fun after a while - one night stands get old, and so do players. Someone who is constantly having to look over his shoulder will have more drama in their life than I would care to. I like having a clear conscience of not using anyone as they do. The use the wrong person & could end up at the pearly gates a lot sooner. You see it in the local news all the time.
 Erota
Joined: 12/28/2009
Msg: 103
How do you spot a player
Posted: 7/23/2010 6:54:49 PM
..."with 20/20 vision!~"...lol
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 104
How do you spot a player
Posted: 7/23/2010 8:32:08 PM
The[y] use the wrong person & could end up at the pearly gates a lot sooner.

OR one could end up with a pearl necklace a lot sooner if they took a liking to players... Sorry -- couldn't resist!

ll i am saying its not clear cut and dry anymore . no he wanted me . but isaw red flags and got rid of him

Well, that doesn't describe a player. I would assume a player would be someone who really didn't... and if he was a guy who could swiftly pick up a reasonably attractive woman with just a little effort but truly demonstrated that he wanted you, then I would say that the 'player' part of him in any sense would be a non-factor.

I think a gal commonly refers to a player when a guy is:
- A guy who suddenly doesn't like her, when he surely seemed to before. He could not be a player at all, but if he lost interest and was seemingly charming & attractive in the beginning -- that's all that's needed. Oh, he's a player? Phew... I thought I wasn't a good enough catch for him or I'm someone that one can possibly lose interest in (In some cases of course, yes, he could have been one; in others, no he wasn't)

- Seen to openly approach women and is attractive. Most notably when it's not her. He is a player by the broad definition, but there's nothing wrong with that, right? After all, you can't expect a guy to stop cold in his tracks indefinitely after he gets a girl's number, right? "(After bumping into a woman and exchanging a couple words) Sorry miss, you are really great looking, but I don't want to lead you on. I got a # from a gal at the first place we were at tonite; I'm a one-woman guy..."

- Of course, you can't rule out the classic guy who has proven he manipulates to get a gal into bed (assumed in this category if no evidence, but fits the above descriptions)
 Erota
Joined: 12/28/2009
Msg: 105
How do you spot a player
Posted: 7/23/2010 8:44:25 PM
Yea, that's 0n {point}...Thus giving birth to "generalizations' and 'judgmental stereotypes'
of just a confident, well-mannered, intellect of a gentlemen....
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 106
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How do you spot a player
Posted: 7/23/2010 9:57:35 PM
you gents who were answering this question of mine ...
a player is someone who misleads in order to get sex. how can someone be honest and still be a player?
... which was more of a rhetorical question than an actual question, are on a slightly different contextual page. i was playing devil's advocate from the female perspective, which in most cases applies the label 'player' as a pejorative. most women see a player as someone inherently unethical in his dealings with women, thus ...

Someone who is constantly having to look over his shoulder will have more drama in their life than I would care to. I like having a clear conscience of not using anyone as they do.

i think it's instructive of a fundamental difference in gender perspective to see the men defining the word not in a pejorative sense, but as an ethically neutral label for a man who's highly attractive and who sets the romantic tone with many women.

nothing cityfangels2010 has cited so far reflected dishonesty on the part of the man she's calling a player. so i suspect there isn't any. what she sees as the word's inherent pejorative seems to be its appeal for her. it's the contextual equivalent of calling him a **stard or faggot or shithead or any other blunt, general putdown. after all ...
they are not sure if they want to see you again
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 107
How do you spot a player
Posted: 7/24/2010 3:14:49 AM
LOl

Whoever said that players can tell a woman the truth and still get laid has it partially wrong....I wouldn't call that guy a player just someone who has the ability but chooses honesty over scoring...trust me, being honest about it being just sex will make a few drop off the RADAR. A player tends to do whatever possibler to score, not letting any drop off the RADAR.


This whole conversation is funny to me....but then I'm a hired gun so I see it all!
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 108
How do you spot a player
Posted: 7/24/2010 4:23:41 AM
Many times a guy can score BECAUSE he is honest & open about who he is and what he wants. Then a woman gets to make an INFORMED decision about what she is agreeing to and what outcome to expect.
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 109
How do you spot a player
Posted: 7/24/2010 8:16:37 AM

Then a woman gets to make an INFORMED decision about what she is agreeing to and what outcome to expect.



And that's how it should be....of course there are those women who despite the truth, think/feel that if they "play along", eventually the guy will fall for her. Then they get all bent out of shape and cry when it doesn't happen!
 cityfangels2010
Joined: 7/17/2010
Msg: 110
How do you spot a player
Posted: 7/24/2010 9:25:47 AM
it sounds like someone is getting personal with it . when a person comes on strong and lies to get in someone pants or being dishonest on their intentions. i call a player . i not here to judge anyone . this just what i experience . everyone has a right to their own opinion . but don't be rude and insulting , thank you . .
 christ on a crutch
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 111
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History
How do you spot a player
Posted: 7/24/2010 10:45:34 AM

And ulterior motives need to be taken into account, people choosing to date a "player" in order to hide their own player status by covering it with victim status,

also, the evolutionary imperative (mating with the most desirable partner) runs up against the cultural imperative (women are unethical/immoral if they have satisfy their sexual urge outside some kind of committed monogamy). so when this desirable partner moves on and leaves a bruised ego behind, the immature woman often will denigrate him to talk herself out of her feelings of attachment and attempt to seize the moral high ground of victimhood. ironically, often she applies the same unfair cultural standard she labors under (see above) by labeling him a sexual criminal ('player'), regardless of the honesty of his dealings.
 readthedamnprofile
Joined: 5/5/2010
Msg: 112
How do you spot a player
Posted: 7/24/2010 3:57:16 PM
"I'd like to know what the signs are before meeting them? Are they TOO eager? Want to meet right away? How do I make that distinction from out here?"

Unfortunately, you have to get to know someone before you figure out if he/she is a player. Unless they are so blatant about it that you pick up on cues while just talking to them. Take the first posters advice. Take your time, pay attention to how the other person acts, if something gives you a bad vibe don't ignore it.

Players are players because they are good at games and manipulating others. Most of us know deep down when we are being manipulated. We just ignore the warning signs for whatever reasons, fear of being alone, lack of confidence in our decision making ablities, delusional thinking that you can change another person. If you are alert, smart, confident, have self esteem and self respect, it will be hard for people to play because you will not let them cross your boundaries.
 readthedamnprofile
Joined: 5/5/2010
Msg: 113
How do you spot a player
Posted: 7/24/2010 3:58:29 PM
To jco415, Yup, you got it. There is no fool like a self made one
 1234deleted1234
Joined: 10/8/2009
Msg: 114
How do you spot a player
Posted: 7/24/2010 5:25:12 PM
Thanks, onenightengagement I'm glad someone got it!

I wasn't making an attact on any one individual. I work in the night club scene and see it all and was just stating what I've seen. I hear a lot of stories and often hear both wanna-be-players and women crying about this and that.

I work with a guy who lives with a GF, he gets hit on all the time. He flirts, but tells the girls he has a GF. Still they go to his house or wherever and sometimes later they get hurt that he has no plans on dumping his GF. Well, you might say he's this or that, but he's honest about having a GF so none of the women can say they don't know what he is....and don't feel too bad for his poor GF either....she's caught him many times so even SHE knows what he is!


We deserve what we accept!
 cityfangels2010
Joined: 7/17/2010
Msg: 115
How do you spot a player
Posted: 7/25/2010 7:32:25 AM
wow not to be mean but wow to put up with that , but its very true , the more you say your with someone the more people want. people want what they dont have . wow maybe if i walk around with a wedding ring i might get hit on . that is very sad . i think we do have radars built in us . but we do not listen to it .
 cityfangels2010
Joined: 7/17/2010
Msg: 116
How do you spot a player
Posted: 7/25/2010 10:10:20 AM
i am glad to listen to everyone . its good to know from a guys point of view . and a women . ok i am done with this subject . when it comes down to it . sum it up . to listen to my own gut feelings before i go on a date. safe me headaches and heartache . thank you for the info . everyone . its very true about boundaries .
 sarniafairyboy
Joined: 6/19/2010
Msg: 117
How do you spot a player
Posted: 7/26/2010 4:50:53 PM

"I'd like to know what the signs are before meeting them? Are they TOO eager? Want to meet right away? How do I make that distinction from out here?"

Unfortunately, you have to get to know someone before you figure out if he/she is a player. Unless they are so blatant about it that you pick up on cues while just talking to them. Take the first posters advice. Take your time, pay attention to how the other person acts, if something gives you a bad vibe don't ignore it.

Players are players because they are good at games and manipulating others. Most of us know deep down when we are being manipulated. We just ignore the warning signs for whatever reasons, fear of being alone, lack of confidence in our decision making ablities, delusional thinking that you can change another person. If you are alert, smart, confident, have self esteem and self respect, it will be hard for people to play because you will not let them cross your boundaries.


most players have at least metaphorically, a huge neon or fluorescent sign on them that says "PLAYER!!'

but women are too distracted by the excitement and feelings he generates in them to notice it until it's too late
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 118
How do you spot a player
Posted: 7/26/2010 7:16:54 PM

most players have at least metaphorically, a huge neon or fluorescent sign on them that says "PLAYER!!'

I pretty much agree with the next thing you wrote... but I think if a guy has no fear approaching a lady and shows no (cute?) subtle nervousness, and he's generally in her 'league' or possibly more, the "player" warning sign will light up like a Christmas tree. Not for all women of course, but for many out there, it's a hasty hair-trigger alarm system.

But as you said, if he approaches in the right way to instigate feelings of excitement (attraction) and rubs them the right way off the bat so to speak, signs of him ACTUALLY being a player can easily be ignored.
 Erota
Joined: 12/28/2009
Msg: 119
How do you spot a player
Posted: 7/26/2010 9:05:35 PM
The differentiation level of self-confidence between the woman vs man, in a woman specifically, explains the paranoia women traditionally use to 'mark' man-' player's, firstly. In order to fully explain why so many women waste time striving to irrationally label that which seems different at first, is what i call a 'jump-to-conclusion tactic. This creates an overt paranoia need to rationalize the initial influx of emotions between woman vs man. Self-confidence, or 'lack-of', is the fundamental emotion that ignites such feelings that immediately cannot be processed rationally nor emotionally..This creates a generalization that initially stereotypes that person as a "PLAYER" status...So, the less a woman's initial self-confidence is displayed initially, coupled with a stronger self-confident man. This is the birth place where the analogy of "he's a player" inimitably started..again, "stop looking for excuses to justify what might be an underlying issue within one's own psyche.
Initially speaking, "it is what it is, so in order to irrationally 'disprove' 'he is a player, give it some time to' play out' before wasting your time trying to figure out...this way, if you do get played, then you will have learned the game, and most importantly learned something greater about yourself. ..Then there will be no such concept as a player, only how to spot wanna b'sss. This realization minus overreaction, creates an even 'playing field' next time...no pun intended, well, a little....lol
 Erota
Joined: 12/28/2009
Msg: 120
How do you spot a player
Posted: 7/26/2010 9:45:53 PM
lol..yea, but would they not be considered Hustler's...instead of 'Players'..
 mr.evil
Joined: 11/14/2009
Msg: 121
How do you spot a player
Posted: 7/27/2010 2:59:34 PM
(Yawn)Ahhhh, another vastly overused term in the dating lexicon. Not unlike the "golddigger", yes they are everywhere(hahahaha).

Because a woman let's you buy her a couple of dinners, maybe a few drink too, hardly qualifies her for the "golddigger hall of fame". More likely just some window shopping on the way to her next relationship.

Now just because some men will sleep with you, on their way to a relationship with another, doesn't put them in the "playa's hall of fame" either.

I'm not saying the gender version of users don't exist, but they hardly rise to the level of Matahari or James Bond, certainly not on here. The most likely answer here is one none of you will like, YOU!!

If a woman uses you to pay her bills or rent, take her on vacations, or just the odd $20 once in a while, she is a user, IF she doesn't reciprocate. The main difference in the male counterpart is there is no equivelant reciprocation, for sex.

When we get used, our feelings of trust are violated, not to mention that bruised ego we carry from being fooled. When we make mistakes, for the vast portion of society,it is all too easy to give over the blame to the other person for our poor choices, our failure to see them for what they are when love blinded with rose colored glasses.

More often than not, our friends in some misguided sense of loyalty will support this notion of being "played" or "dug" which ever word applies. Further supporting our notion of "it's all their(s/he) fault.

Far too often we are content to look at the "pretty picture" and drop them an email. Then when we meet, if they are as advertised we are like deer in the headlights, blinded by beauty over substance. You could have had a sea of red flags, sirens going off in your head, and still you blindly trudge on because "he held my hand" or "she kissed me so passionately". FOOLS!

I'v spent most of my life in sales. I see people all the time, who question every claim, challenge every change, argue the price, negoiate as though their life depended on it. BUT will give away their heart as though it were so much garbage from the street, without blinking an eye.

WAKE UP!! See and think about who you are dating. None of you are 12, your all supposed to be, functioning adults, even when you don't act that way.

JMHO
 mr.evil
Joined: 11/14/2009
Msg: 122
How do you spot a player
Posted: 7/28/2010 10:18:25 AM
"the less time they spend deciding..."

Well I never did retail sales, but from my habits, those who worked around me, I didn't see that. Since cars and houses were among the "higher the value" purchases most make, what I saw was most people in my industry looked more closely.

They wanted good schools, functional homes that fit their needs and a price that seemed fair in the market of their choice, among other things. As for cars, it had to meet their needs, be safe, be reliable and come at a reasonable price, according to their income.

Look, all I'm trying to say here is that everyone sees "the grassy knoll" conspiracy, when the person may NOT be conspiring at all, just have a different set of values, needs or paradigm they operate under. NO, that doesn't make it right.

When a guy will sleep with any woman, it makes it right for him, not neccessarily for her. When a woman wants to be amused or occupied with her time, until something better comes along, the same applies. We all operate within a set of beliefs and values in our own head, not neccessarily the same as the rest of society.

They well might be playing you, more likely it is the way they view their beliefs on dating or how one should be able to operate in the dating world.

Certainly part of this comes from TV, society as a whole and their individual values and those of their circle of friends.

Advise on here is in no short supply. But I doubt there are as many players or goldddiggers as claimed in these forums.

Further, individual prejudices, from years of beliefs color things as well. I doubt it is fair for women to see a man as cheap because he won't pay for every date or coffee, but it seems most women view it that way, then some men rail at being "used".

Women rail at being used for sex by players, how many men are really players, how many just let things happen and think of it as finding a $20 bill on the sidewalk?

In the above case, women would pick up that 20 as well. But because sex is so personal to them, they view the opportunity as reprehensable when it happens to them. Even though it happened with their permission and participation.

In the end, it's just bad timing, no chemistry or a slew of other reasons for an event either gender embraced. Just with a different end in mind. The woman having a casual dinner with a "friend" or the guy wanting sex with a casual woman.

Sure there are men who prey on women for sex, yep there are women who take advantage of their dating rules that men pay. The numbers I think are smaller than most people believe and more a result of random encounter, lack of chemistry, lack of scruples, morals or standards, than an actual plan.
 RushLuv
Joined: 4/16/2009
Msg: 123
How do you spot a player
Posted: 7/28/2010 10:56:00 AM
I think the easiest way to spot a player, is to watch out for the one's sporting shirts that read, "I'm a player. Woo-hoo!"

Easy peasy...Japaneasy.
 kailania
Joined: 4/10/2008
Msg: 124
How do you spot a player
Posted: 7/28/2010 11:06:18 AM
it is not so much the number of women a man plays, (or men a woman plays...or if a woman is a gold digger)..
it is the underlying deceit.
players use smooth words...tell you what they think you want to hear to get what they want.
this is true for men and women. a woman gold digger will try to behave as if she loves the man.
men playing a women or multiple women lie to them.
as in the saying..
they will fake your future to get what they want today.

i am sure there are numerous red flags. we have to learn not only to spot them, but to leave when we see them.
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 125
How do you spot a player
Posted: 7/28/2010 2:28:16 PM
Listen, I don't care how many women a man wants to sleep with - He wont have the attention span that I require. The only thing I am asking of all the self-proclaimed "players" in society is to get a vasectomy, get snipped, get fixed, because unwanted pregnancies, single mothers, fatherless children, all lead to more poverty, and general dysfunction in our society. They want to be a free man, then fine, be a free man, but be responsible for your life, don't knock anyone up, be honest & honorable, & don't choose to be with someone simply because you are afraid to being alone for one minute or you are afraid of emotional intimacy. Scores of women don't validate someone as a man, they make you a coward. Be a real man and live with honor and integrity instead of letting your penis do the picking.
Sorry just had to vent after each time I turned the TV on today, Maury Povich or that security guy from the Springer show popped up, even though I changed the channel quickly I thought of where all that dysfunction originated from - Some loser thought they were a "player".
 valenciacityx
Joined: 3/10/2009
Msg: 126
How do you spot a player
Posted: 7/29/2010 1:23:41 AM
a raging zoister is a pretty good indicator
might want to study up on identifying those; early and often.
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