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Joined: 2/20/2006
Msg: 2
The ex has pushed the limit.......Page 3 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
Unless he is paying you to decorate his home and you have filled out a work order with price and all the specifics, he has given you a retainer fee...... you should not help him. He could be asking for this help for other reasons, none good.

Just my 2 cents

but why are you blaming him when its jut as much your fault for going along with it?
Joined: 11/26/2005
Msg: 5
The ex has pushed the limit.......
Posted: 2/21/2006 11:16:54 AM
This is an easy one......
Joined: 2/20/2006
Msg: 7
The ex has pushed the limit.......
Posted: 2/21/2006 11:35:29 AM
You know you can blame someone for fooling you but if you keep messing with them, then your just as bad.
You see he has issues, so let him go... dont try to pin him down to get a confession out of him as to what he's doing or wants as he might not know.
Just realize he has some issues and if you mess with him, your going to have trouble...
which you will bring on yourself.
I understand your anger and upset but if you help him redo his house or whatever, you deserve anything you get.
 best kept secret
Joined: 1/15/2006
Msg: 11
The ex has pushed the limit.......
Posted: 2/21/2006 12:02:55 PM
Should you continue with him?

Joined: 2/20/2006
Msg: 12
The ex has pushed the limit.......
Posted: 2/21/2006 12:03:22 PM
well sure its crazy...

the real issue is you dont seem to know it is.

Joined: 2/18/2006
Msg: 14
view profile
The ex has pushed the limit.......
Posted: 2/21/2006 2:56:09 PM
You..........the like...........
Joined: 1/1/2006
Msg: 15
view profile
The ex has pushed the limit.......
Posted: 2/21/2006 3:09:52 PM
does it matter that she is his ex? do u want to date a guy who is hooking up booty calls the night before a date with you?
Joined: 12/1/2005
Msg: 20
The ex has pushed the limit.......
Posted: 2/21/2006 10:25:33 PM
But are you still going to do the decorating job?
Joined: 6/11/2005
Msg: 21
The ex has pushed the limit.......
Posted: 2/22/2006 12:22:56 AM

I have been seeing a guy, very cassually for about a month now

ok the key words here are 'very casually'. There is no commitment between the two of you so he can sleep with anyone he wants to so can you

But also first question is what was she doing there - are they still living together. I ask that because you say he said he was just living there to help out with the child, so does that mean he is living in the same house as this woman????!!! If that is the case - get the hell outta there and dont event hink about dating him until he lives apart.

if not and you want to get some answers THENthe main thing here to determine is what stage of the relationship he and his ex are at. She has keys to his house obviously [ if he is not living with her], how did she get in? Lots of questions here, take the emotion out of it for a minute. Dont be focusing on what happened now, but how it happened. How did she get in and isnt it strange it was right at that particular moment. Was it a set up? Maybe she was watching him

I would not be so angry at the booty call with the exwife becuase you guys hadnt slept together yet NOR discussed your relationship. Look sex with the ex happens. What you need to do is first off is:

DEFINE his relationship with her - without anger at him. Be angry with her that she intruded and how dare she yell at you when you dont even know what is going on. She is taking her anger out on you and that is childish and jealous behaviour. She obviously feels played and hurt as well. But there are two sides to every story and one of them could be lying about the status of the relationship [ eg is there still 'anything' there]. It could be her also because she wants to get back together. Either way her actions tell me and you she still thinks of herself in t hat relationship with him whether its delusion on her behalf [ sex with the ex does not always mean getting back together but its amazing how many women think it does] OR he genuinely could have made promises to her to work things out. You just dont know at this point. Thats what I am outling you need to get answers before you do anything further

Then, if he tells you its over between 'them' and you decide to believe him, he needs to DEFINE a relationhip with you. That means what its going to be, exclusive or not??? If he wants one exlcusively, he has to set boundaries with the ex. that includes she cant gain access to his house anytime she wants

You have to work out what you want from him as well. Be honest, do you want exclusitivity, a relationship with him? Then see if he can match that. Or maybe you just want to keep it casual, in which case you have a right to demand you use protection but not really a right to keep tabs on who he can and cant sleep with, ex or not

Theres a lot of work ahead of you here. It looks messy. But only you can decide if he is worth it.
Joined: 2/17/2006
Msg: 32
view profile
The ex has pushed the limit.......
Posted: 2/22/2006 6:50:08 AM
Run.... and I don't mean walk.... I mean RUN.. as far away from this guy as possible. It will only get worse. As I was reading your post, I kept thinking of an ex I had who lied to me for 2 years. He is full of crap, he is lying to you.... it will not get better, he will continue seeing the ex wife. Get out now!!!! It will not get better. It will end badly. Take the ex wife's advice, you are pretty, you can have anyone you want. Take that advice and go!!!!! Is that adamant enough?!!!!!
Joined: 6/11/2005
Msg: 34
The ex has pushed the limit.......
Posted: 2/22/2006 6:26:16 PM
I have to disagree with you simplegirl. Newly Divorced or seperated does NOT mean they are not eligible for dating or a relationship. I know male friends that were SO over the marriage before the ink was dry on the divorce papers. And at our age- you might want to rethink that as more and more people you meet if you want to date someone your age or older are in that very status

I do agree with you on your decision not to see someone who is booty-calling his ex however asit sounds like [ in reference to my earlier post find out whats going on] that you have workd out the situation with this particular guy

And just remember, you could meet guys who are not seperated or divorced who are also booting calling their exes. Best idea is to find out their situation of ANy guy - through series of discussions [ not just one] before getting intimate or at least on the way to getting intimate with them. And fingers crossed they tell the truth !! Cause thats what it's really all about.
Joined: 6/11/2005
Msg: 35
The ex has pushed the limit.......
Posted: 2/22/2006 11:07:16 PM
So in your opinion without exclusivity there should be no expectation of the bare minimum of respect. Would you sleep with one guy one night and then turn another the next and try to do another? If so, your opinion is not needed, because you are just like them!

No, Simplegirl that is not what I am saying. Yes there should be a bare minimum of respect but - that does not include sexual commitment without some kind of mutual discussion and agreement beforehand between both of you. Yes I do believe if you are guys are so casual - your words "" VERY casual "", then he does not owe you sexual fidelity. Why do you assume the guy is exclusive to you just because you start getting naughty with him, when nothing has been said prior to the event ???
I have been seeing a guy, very cassually for about a month now. We haven' slept together so that is irrellevant, and let's you know the "seariousness" of this realtionship.

You even state sex its irrelevant but yet at the same time now you are all bent out of shape because he IS having sex with another person, so which is it ??

He does owe you the truth [ to answer what respect that you are due] but did you even ask him? from your posts you only started out asking him questions on his marriage or single status AFTER your incident Had you ever asked him any of those questions beforehand?Did you think to or did you just assume? I do agree its unfortunate, but is it all his fault…??? Was he forcing you to partake of "one thing led to another" ??? Sounds pretty mutual to me. Take some responsibility here.

You seem to be ticked off about two things in the original post. That he had sex with his ex the night before and you got caught up with the ex walking in. My first post was to address both those things, plus to give a reality check of what casual really means. Now it seems by your above response to me you are just caught up on the fact he had sex with his ex wife the night before and almost had sex with you the next night going by the basis of your question you put to me. This is why I am outlining the difference between your question to me and what happened as described by you.

So here's another thought for you - did you ever think he probably didn’t even plan to have sex with that day you ended up over at his house?? By the sounds of your original post it was a very spontaneous and unplanned thing. The original idea was to talk decorating a new house. As per below. You say he tried to have sex with you. But was he the only one doing all the trying? maybe he wanted to be with you more than he did with the ex, but he didnt plan on having the sex with you that night, heck you guys werent even in a relationship. My point is it just happened - and that you were also responsile for what happened between the two of you. Sounds pretty mutual the way you tell it.

I have been seeing a guy, very cassually for about a month now. We haven' slept together so that is irrellevant, and let's you know the "seariousness" of this realtionship. Well, last night we had met for dinner, and were going to see his new house. He wants help decorating so I said I would. We had a few toast to his new home while we were there, and then went back to his current residence to go over some ideas. Well, one thing led to another and we ended up on the couch in a very compromising, partially dressed, position..

So lets go to respect - because it isn't lack of respect he had sex with someone else.
You were not in a relationship with him. He wasn’t committed to you and you just ASSUMED he owed you something and for what??? A few casual get together based upon a semi-work arrangement - ie decorating his house - and he hadn't even slept with you yet. YET you assume all the righteous indignation of a girlfriend or partner that has been cheated on. That is irrational. Sure be outraged you were put in that position but if it were me I would be focusing more on the pyscho stalker ex.

No I wouldn’t do it, sleep with one person and then with another one the next night - but as I said who said even he had planned that to happen. So thanks all the same - but and I am not the same as he or his ex wife aka "them"

If you had asked him what your relationship with him was before that day, what his single status was, was he seeing other people and talked about what was happening between the two of you and he had said "No" there was no other people and he was just 'seeing you' then YES you would be correct and justified in He would be a liar and a cad and a jerk and I would be with you all the way … But did any of that happen? No…hence the reason for my original statement.

As for the other topic - I did agree with you and would with anyone that being put in that situation of the ex is just wrong. And anyone would be outraged furious and all the rest of it But my original post was also to say before we go crucifying this guy that just maybe he wasn’t as guilty in that. Ever think the ex manipulated the whole scene? That was a thought I was trying to put out to you. Why did I write any of that? because you were wondering whether it was worth being with him as your original post said you hadn't broken up with him yet and the whole basis of my post was to address all of that.

I am not sure if I should even see this guy again. I haven't told him if I want to see him anymore or not because I haven't made my mind up. I have however decided that it will take a lot of time for me to be comfortable in this realtionship after what I learned last night. Should I continue to see someone who is booty calling their ex wife? Should I even care?

what you do think.

I would love some input

When you offer a question in the forums unfortunately you don't get to select or block the opinions of those who may respond. So stop being so 'precious'
If so, your opinion is not needed
No I am not like those people or you for that matter because I would at least define my relationship with the guy and find out what's going on before getting down on the couch on him OR I wouldn't assume we are in some kind of relationship that we haven't even talked about. AND if I didn’t do my homework and went in "blind" I wouldn't be going for the Purple Heart award or being hostile to others just cause they wont join in and crucify this guy just because you got jiggy with a guy you didn’t know a lot about. If he turned out to be a jerk because it would also be my own partly my responsibility to find out a little bit about a guy im even thinking of getting intimate with. Yes it wouldn’t be pleasant I'm not arguing with you there but I certainly wouldn’t be going on about to this degree and you are blaming everything all on this guy - my opinion was not to be so hasty and consider all angles - but not being hostile to others who just don’t agree with you on crucifying the guy and that is all his fault.

To be honest should he be tried and found guilty of having sex with his ex wife when Not in a relationship with you - NO.

Should he be guilty of being a total creep for putting you in the position of his ex wife walking in - YES , IF he had knowledge of her going to be there or had some part in it. But my point now and in my former post was there may be a chance he didn’t.

He simply hasn’t cut his ties with his ex YET and that is all there is to it. You say you thought he was available. Again, key word. You thought = You assumed. You do a lot of assuming. Try talking with someone next time rather than taking it all for granted they owe you anything when they havent even said 'boo' to you, about you.

He has tried to explain. You don’t believe him .
I think he is full of crap! I think he is lying about the whole relatinship with the ex.

I even answered your question about whether you should continue to see someone if they continue to booty call their ex. My reply was to make sure he stops if you go into a relationship with him. Because back to my original point you weren't at that point in time

Thanks for the hostile response to a simply different perspective BUT If you have made up your mind that the guy is guilty as all heck and purposefully cheating on you - as you are stating now, [ and also labelling all divorced and separated men the same generalisation because ONE guy was a jerk in your eyes??] why even post the question in the first place

Next time do a bit more homework and at least discuss, not assume,. your status with a guy before getting partially undressed with them and you may avoid a repeat scenario.

I however am not inclined to think they are working on a reconsilation when he just bought a house of his own, and is moving out of the apartment he moved into during the divorce. That would indicate to me he is wanting to move on with his life. One minute you are saying that they are in a relationship and deliberately deceived and used you as a pawn, and that he is a laiar and you dont beieve him, then the next you are saying this. So obviously you are back and forth and still in two minds. When you calm down you might see the rationale behind some of what i am saying without the hostility

As for the ex - The only way she could have known we were going to be at his house was if he told her.
Again I disagree. Are you aware of what jealous and psychotic exes are capable of. How do you know she wasn’t parked around the corner, all day . How do you know she didn’t go through his phone the night before at some point before and after the booty call. Who is to say she isn't stalking him or following him around.

Either way its all very messy as i said in the original post and sounds like from your posts that this situation is something you couldn't handle. Move on.
Joined: 6/11/2005
Msg: 36
The ex has pushed the limit.......
Posted: 2/23/2006 2:08:01 AM
^^ Hi medic - yes I am picking up that vibe. Oh well each to their own. : )
Joined: 7/26/2005
Msg: 37
The ex has pushed the limit.......
Posted: 2/23/2006 9:02:50 AM
what we won't do to justify getting what we want....

I would be out... I don't care what he says... if he is still sleeping with her... I am not developing anything with him... he seems like the kind of man who can't be alone and thus had sex with his ex probably until you put out... then he may cut her off... but when I have sex with someone... I don't want there to be anyone else having sex with him... I know I know you didn't have sex... but it is a general thought... they obviously have a connection and by her reaction... that connection is greater than he would like you to believe...

and why date a 46 year old man that still looks at sex as booty calls??? I would hope he would have more respect for his body by that age...
Joined: 11/30/2005
Msg: 38
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The ex has pushed the limit.......
Posted: 2/23/2006 9:24:37 AM
LMAO! I haven't read every last post so what I have to say may be irrelevent at this point, but....

1. If you don't know the clear cut answer as to what you should do in this situation, then I say the answer is plain as the nose on your face.

2. If you are still considering any type of a relationship with this guy, then you need to have your head examined. Why would you even consider inviting someone like this in to your life when there are plenty of other completely unattached guys out there who would be better suited to the role you want. I just don't understand why some women will settle for a f*cked up situation like the one you described. It defies all logic and sensibility.

If you choose to continue this relationship you are just asking for trouble. Don't come back here crying when it blows up in your face. You've been warned!
Joined: 8/26/2007
Msg: 42
The ex has pushed the limit.......
Posted: 4/4/2008 12:47:03 AM
I personally would not want any guy that was hoolkin up with someone else a night before a date with me. If that was something he wanted he needed to stick with it.
 Ghost Shadow
Joined: 10/11/2007
Msg: 44
The ex has pushed the limit.......
Posted: 4/4/2008 6:55:46 PM
simple girl, does this look familiar?

If you can't be brutally honest with yourself you deffinately don't need to be looking on the net. It's full of people just like yourself who will tell you want you want to hear...oh I forgot-90% of the population don't want to hear the truth. Maybe "I" should be looking elsewhere. I don't have time for games

First, the subject line seems all wrong here. The ex is to blame? You've only known this player for one month and you're having trouble with what exactly? Let's count the red flags.

You haven't told him becuz you haven't made up your mind?

and it will take a long time before you can get comfortable in this relationship?

should you continue to see him, should you care?

well maybe the answer is...
If you can't be brutally honest with yourself you deffinately don't need to be looking on the net. It's full of people just like yourself who will tell you want you want to hear...oh I forgot-90% of the population don't want to hear the truth. Maybe "I" should be looking elsewhere. I don't have time for games

I'm NOT slamming you girl, but maybe you need to listen (read) to your own words. Better luck next time.
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