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 MikeWM
Joined: 2/7/2011
Msg: 713
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Does having sex when you meet for the first time ruin a chance for a real relationship? Page 39 of 40    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40)

There have been loads of posts on here by guys basically telling them that if they don't put out within a few dates, or want to hold out for marriage that no guy will want them


Cant recall seeing anyone say that except you

Its just a preference and compatibility issue

Infact how would it be different for one person to expect sex sooner from the other expecting it later?

Each has their own "preference" and if they are going to carry on seeing each other BOTH will equally be trying to push their own agenda onto the other

Niether is more "right" than the other, but both ARE incompatible with the other

So in the same way many men (and women) wouldnt hang around for someone with sex and intimacy issues to meet their date quota before having sex, people with longer time frames will also not carry on seeing someone with a shorter time frame either

Again, different but niether is more "right" than the other

And as many women do actually expect the man to make the first move towards sex the "let the woman initiate it" idea is kinda flawed as that could be an eternity if youre dating a woman who isnt comfortable enough with her own sexuality to EVER do that lol

And lets not forget the time frame, three months for "grown ups" is IMO pretty ridiculous, and rather than wanting to "shame" someone with that outlook into having sex I'd rather walk and avoid the almost guaranteed drama that tends to come with those types of people who see sex as such a huge deal

And that isnt even a "man" thing either, many women who have posted also see that kind of time scale as ridiculous and a likely sign of deeprooted issues related to sex too
 kran007
Joined: 5/28/2009
Msg: 715
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Does having sex when you meet for the first time ruin a chance for a real relationship?
Posted: 10/1/2011 7:13:54 PM
So it's ok for the guy on the first date BUT he will look down upon the woman and say "SHE sleeps around"? C'mon....what a double standard! I think guys who PUT OUT on the first date are only looking for that anyway. I think both men and women need to control themselves and ask questions before being intimate.
 chromelove08
Joined: 11/17/2008
Msg: 716
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Does having sex when you meet for the first time ruin a chance for a real relationship?
Posted: 10/1/2011 10:03:30 PM
2 of my relationships, i waited to have sex til i thought it was the right time but turned out they were not all that great at it and the relationship went downhill....so i think if you have chemistry and like the person then go for it. life is short and don't waste time just hangin out wanting to have sex. just do it.
 MikeWM
Joined: 2/7/2011
Msg: 717
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Does having sex when you meet for the first time ruin a chance for a real relationship?
Posted: 10/2/2011 4:57:41 AM
My take on the double standards thing is this

From the womans perspective it SHOULD be seen as a good thing rather than a bad one, suppose you HAD waited, that same exact man wouldnt have had the chance to show you what a total knobhead it was for a lot longer, maybe even years later

But by not manipulating the situation by arificially waiting and just doing what you feel is natural you get to realise the blokes not worth wasting time on with a view of women like that and save yourself a chunk of your life to spend with someone who views women in a much better way instead


From a male perspective, the ONLY, and I do mean the ONLY scenario where a bloke has ANY right to view a woman in a negative light for having sex on he first date is where he follows the flow of the date until just before sex is guaranteed to begin and then,,,,,,,

He turns around and says "I'm really sorry but I'm just not THAT type of guy" and leaves

If he actually has sex with her, then any criticism of that woman without also equally criticising himself too is just vaccuous prattlings from a person who doesnt have much of grasp on any form of rational reality and is therefore totally meaningless expulsions of hot air

But women trying to second guess their way around that sort of thing really doesnt do you any favours either, because many men will sense that someone is being false, they might not know what it is theyre being false about, but will pick up on the base inconsistencies subconciously

So as with any other topic about interpersonal interactions its ALWAYS best to be yourself, and that means in a given situation you'd want to ride them like a rodeo horse on date 1 or date 20 then do that. If the bloke isnt happy with that it doesnt mean anyone is "wrong" or "better" its just another type of incompatibility, nothing more

But its always best to do what you think is right for you, rather than pretending to be somebody else and doing what you think some practical stranger "might" prefer

I think the men who do view women negatively for having sex early on are (in the uk at least) in rapid decline. As its not something I have heard anyone I know voice since my early 20s. Most men I know see women and their sexuality/sex drive as not being that dissimilar from their own nowadays. Which is why far more men would view a long "waiting" period as a sign of issues, far more readily than they would see no waiting time as being a red flag

And most couples I know had sex almost as soon as they started seeing each other, many on the first date. So that obviously isnt something that seems to cause many people a problem nowadays either and most just view it as being because they both instantly fancied EACH OTHER not because theyre sluts with no morals as the bible bashing brigade would be inclined to do

Infact nobody has "no morals" they just have different ones. And although people will try to feel better about themselves by pretending their morals are "higher" than someone elses they arent. Theyre just different
 chromelove08
Joined: 11/17/2008
Msg: 718
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Does having sex when you meet for the first time ruin a chance for a real relationship?
Posted: 10/2/2011 6:39:54 AM
You know...i might actually read your posts if it wasn't a damn novel.
 MikeWM
Joined: 2/7/2011
Msg: 727
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Does having sex when you meet for the first time ruin a chance for a real relationship?
Posted: 10/4/2011 12:49:42 PM
Actually I find quite the opposite to be true

I find that once the sex bridge is crossed you tend to have a new level of intimacy and far fewer boundaries and barriers so conversation and the whole "getting to know each other" thing seems to actually speed up

Not quite sure what the big attraction about building up tension is though, does that mean that once youre actually in a relationship with someone all the sex is crap unless they work away for months at a time without that "tension"?

As for flirting, again, thats an ongoing and integral part of a relationship and isnt actually supposed to cease the moment you bump uglies for the first time as far as I was aware

I mean jeez, if this built up tension and anticipation is what allegedly makes having sex with somene sooooo fabulous would that mean if you were living together you'd only have sex once a month so it has time to build back up again? Or just never bother with again because it will never be like the frist time twice?

As for being better when you have some "knowledge" of each other I actually agree

Although knowing someone is allergic to peanuts, doesnt like milkshakes, has a pair of homer simpson slippers, used to have a cat called Munchies and never has a go on the lottery has never, not even once in my life improved having sex with them

Having physical and intimate "knowledge" of them for some strange inexplicably unfathomable reason however ALWAYS seems to have that result though

Go figure.....

Signed

Mr Confuddled
Wednesbury
 MikeWM
Joined: 2/7/2011
Msg: 729
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Does having sex when you meet for the first time ruin a chance for a real relationship?
Posted: 10/5/2011 9:12:34 AM
Course theyre two different things, so are having a relationship and NOT having sex early on, so?

The point being theyre not two mutually exclusive things unless someone has some kind of issue, hang up or other notion about sex

And as many have stated its not only "possible" but actually very common for couples to have a long term serious relationship AFTER having sex on a first date

Nobody is saying it should be compulsory, just that unless one or both of the people involved have some kind of weird hang up about sex it really doesnt influence whether a relationship will follow or not. As that is a "different thing" and depends on other things like how well you get on, how your personalities match and zillions of other things

And rather than it being "how men think" who on earth do you think all the men having a long term serious relationship following sex on the first date are having them with?

Aliens?

No, its with women, so obviously many women also think the same think too

The fact you dont doesnt really have any bearing on what the other 3 billion or so women on the planet think as much as you might like to think youre their spokesperson
 chromelove08
Joined: 11/17/2008
Msg: 733
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Does having sex when you meet for the first time ruin a chance for a real relationship?
Posted: 10/5/2011 10:24:09 PM
Lol you crack me up. I have done that before actually. I just wanted sex really so as soon as i saw him for the first time i thought he was sexy so i just grabbed and kissed him. We made out for a while, then went from that to the most amazing foreplay to the most awesome sex i have ever had. It turned into a relationship and i was with him for 2 years. I loved him more than i have ever loved anyone. It can happen.
 simplyamorous
Joined: 8/5/2011
Msg: 736
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Does having sex when you meet for the first time ruin a chance for a real relationship?
Posted: 10/7/2011 8:44:23 AM
I think some people apply hard and fast rules to their life such as, if a woman (or man) is willing to have sex with me on the first date then they are somehow not worthy of a long term commitment. Take it a step further. Some people think that anyone who has sex outside of marriage is loose or has low standards. Everyone has their own "rules" they live by, sometimes without even realizing they are doing it.

If someone having sex with you on the first date is such a turn off to you then why in the hell are YOU doing it? It takes two. You can't have sex on the first date and then negatively judge the other person for doing the same. It kind of makes you a hypocrite.

For me, whether I had sex with a person on the first date or the tenth date is less important that how I feel about them and how much I like them. If I am really crazy about them and want to have more of a relationship with them then the rest of it (when we first had sex, etc) is secondary to that.
 5150Rivergirl
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 737
Does having sex when you meet for the first time ruin a chance for a real relationship?
Posted: 10/7/2011 11:11:15 AM
I see the thread was started quite a few years ago...

Ive had it on the first date. Ive waited way after the first date. Both relationships ended.

I dont really care about the "rules". Im an adult, and if I choose to, I will. No one elses opinion on the subject will change what I may or may not do.

I am comfortable with my sexuality, but it doesnt mean Im going to open my legs on every date. It all depends on the person and how things are going, IMO.
 MikeWM
Joined: 2/7/2011
Msg: 742
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Does having sex when you meet for the first time ruin a chance for a real relationship?
Posted: 10/9/2011 3:47:42 AM

I guess I'm thinking that rather than an ethical dilemma, it's more of a practical one. Is this a person you really want to hook up with long term? How can you know? Sometimes you'll get lucky and spend many wonderful years together. Or, two people will spend (waste?) a little or a lot of time together trying to make a partly good relationship work because the attraction is big and the sex is great (try 14 yrs ).


That isnt really a very good point as it also works on the flip side too where someone gets sooooo into someone that even when they finally have sex and its crap or mediocre they already like the person so much they put up with that too

So its indicative of a certain type of person or mindset rather than whether you have sex early on or not

For the rest of us it doesnt matter how "good" the sex is, if the rest of the interaction isnt up to scratch it wont under ANY circumstances become serious relationship, it will at best become a transient temporary mutual interaction thats more about sex than anything else and definitely isnt heading towards a happy ever after

The same also applies if the personality angle pans out but the sex where it happens later is crap, no long term prospect there either as BOTH, not just one or the other has to be good for a relationship to be a viable proposition IMO
 Telepresence
Joined: 9/3/2011
Msg: 751
Does having sex when you meet for the first time ruin a chance for a real relationship?
Posted: 10/10/2011 8:37:29 PM
As horny as you may be id say wait it only if your really feeling the person you are dating also if your wanting something serious.
 ravenhair4u
Joined: 8/13/2011
Msg: 757
Does having sex when you meet for the first time ruin a chance for a real relationship?
Posted: 10/30/2011 12:28:39 PM
Yes, having sex w/a stranger will ruin the chance for a real relationship.
 JerseyGirl2008
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 764
Does having sex when you meet for the first time ruin a chance for a real relationship?
Posted: 10/31/2011 7:20:05 AM
A message for the Ladies:
It should never matter if sex happens right away or not. Please keep in mind, however - the people that totally ruin the whole sex experience are the ones that "plan" it. Frankly, the ones that pre-decide sex will/won't happen until the 3rd-4th-5th date ALSO do a lot of pre-deciding about other aspects of the relationship, and maybe don't realize it until they scare someone off by boring them or annoying them to death. Sex should ALWAYS be spontaneous. That was a key reason why my marriage ended - you can't put 'have sex' in a monthly planner and expect to get it on-cue. If you want that kind of thing, you buy a lot of Viagra and date a porn star who is used to it.

How the hell are you going to try to compare a MARRIAGE - and the lack of sexual spontaneity causing the marriage to fail - and FIRST DATE sex? Everyone has their boundaries and if they choose NOT to have sex on the 1st, 2nd and 3rd date because that's what makes them comfortable, then that choice should be respected.

Comparing spontaneity in marriage Vs a first date is ridiculous.
 GoldinSFla
Joined: 10/21/2011
Msg: 766
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Does having sex when you meet for the first time ruin a chance for a real relationship?
Posted: 10/31/2011 10:39:36 AM

I was stating sex should always be spontaneous, whether it happens on a first date, or 20 years into a marriage. Making the act pre-planned and boring is harmful to ANY relationship, whether it's a brand new one, or one that's been around for a long time. Spontaneity is good. It's not ridiculous to compare them.



I don't agree that planning something will always cause it to be boring, anymore than spontaneity will always bring excitement.

Ive heard of people that meet, maybe have a little too much to drink, maybe are just desperate for the touch of another person, but they wind up having a quickie, that turns out to be two minutes that they regret the rest of their lives. Nothing good or exciting about it. I'm not saying all spontaneous sex is that way, just giving one example.

But if you're with someone a while, your feelings grow, you look forward to it, treasure the day it will happen, and then finally get to live it, if you have sexual chemistry and it lives up to expecations, then it can be the most amazing, exciting experience there is.
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 767
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Does having sex when you meet for the first time ruin a chance for a real relationship?
Posted: 10/31/2011 11:36:13 AM

I was stating sex should always be spontaneous, whether it happens on a first date, or 20 years into a marriage. Making the act pre-planned and boring is harmful to ANY relationship, whether it's a brand new one, or one that's been around for a long time. Spontaneity is good. It's not ridiculous to compare them.

Big difference between having pre-planned sex and having boring sex!
The two are far from being automatically connected.
My guy and I have planned sex pretty much every time! We're both busy....so we plan a night of sex.......and shewwie honey, it is far from boring sex!
Sex is what you make of it....each and every time.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 770
Does having sex when you meet for the first time ruin a chance for a real relationship?
Posted: 10/31/2011 1:12:14 PM

Geez, how much does a person know about the other person they date for the first time and end up in the sack together in the same night? How would two people even know from the first time they date each other if they are relationship material? It is what it is, two people knocking boots.

How much does a person know about another person after 5 or 10 years??? I was married for a long while before I discovered many things that I did NOT know in all the years prior to me finding out a long list of things that were clearly unbeknownst to me. No different than spouses who find out their husband/wife is/was a serial killer (BTK, Boy Scout Troop Leader, husband, church-goer; Gary Ridgeway, "The Green River Killer" married, same job for 32 years and a church-goer; Robert Yates, married with 5 children killed 17 prostitutes, and the list goes on and on and on.) You can think you KNOW someone, but the truth is? We never truly know everything about someone else. Not that I'm disagreeing with your take on first date sex, as it's not my deal either. However? It's not necessarily a bad thing if the parties are two consenting adults. There is no guarantee a relationship is going to work out if the parties wait 3 months or three days prior to getting physically intimate. Clearly most of us here are single. This would mean that those who slept together on the first date, vs those of us who waited ~ the end result is the same. It's over. To each their own ~ if two people feel sexually attracted and both feel like "knocking boots"? So be it. The rest will either proceed or it won't. Just like those who opt to wait longer. JMO
 GoldinSFla
Joined: 10/21/2011
Msg: 773
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Does having sex when you meet for the first time ruin a chance for a real relationship?
Posted: 10/31/2011 4:00:21 PM

I'm only going to marry the man who has sex with me on the first date... because then I know he's a horny fvck like me and I'll be sore rather than unsatisfied :)


I can probably send a few your way.
 SweetLilGTP
Joined: 10/22/2010
Msg: 778
Does having sex when you meet for the first time ruin a chance for a real relationship?
Posted: 11/2/2011 8:23:59 PM
Did I say no already?

<img src=http://www.plentyoffish.com/smiles/icon_201.gif border=0>

I'd like to vote for "no".
 MikeWM
Joined: 2/7/2011
Msg: 784
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Does having sex when you meet for the first time ruin a chance for a real relationship?
Posted: 11/6/2011 5:21:45 PM

I had sex with my husband and all boyfriends the first date



I'm fairly sure you could have worded that MUCH more betterly

When I first read it the thought that crossed my mind was "wow, that must have been some night"
 MikeWM
Joined: 2/7/2011
Msg: 787
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Does having sex when you meet for the first time ruin a chance for a real relationship?
Posted: 11/7/2011 11:41:26 AM

I believe so. so far my experience with women is that they have always wanted sex either immediately or on a second date. none of those relationships ever worked out. I suggest waiting unless that is all you want



To be completely honest, if everytime I'd had sex with somebody early on it never went anywhere I'd be more focused on what I was doing in the sack that was putting them off really

Except where its been an agreed one night thing thats always led to either a fair amount of repeat performances or some form of relationship with them, so if you've been getting a completely different type of outcome I wouldnt say its linked to how quickly you've had sex unless you tend to look down your nose at those women because they wanted to have MUTUALLY consenting sex with you

If that isnt the case, then perhaps you need to make a better first impression between the sheets so they actually want to have seconds
 Athletics89
Joined: 8/23/2011
Msg: 788
Does having sex when you meet for the first time ruin a chance for a real relationship?
Posted: 11/7/2011 11:49:53 AM
The only time I have ever had sex with a woman on our "first date" was with my now ex-fiance' (Lisa). But Lisa and I had talked for 6 weeks prior to me flying out to Los Angeles to meet. We already knew we would be spending the weekend at Lisa's house. We were together for over 4 years.
 SweetLilGTP
Joined: 10/22/2010
Msg: 789
Does having sex when you meet for the first time ruin a chance for a real relationship?
Posted: 11/7/2011 1:00:25 PM
I would like to place a vote......for no


 SweetLilGTP
Joined: 10/22/2010
Msg: 795
Does having sex when you meet for the first time ruin a chance for a real relationship?
Posted: 11/8/2011 5:59:18 PM
It's funny how you hear SSSOOO many say that a relationship isnt about sex; then make SUCH a dramatic stressful decision making process out of whether or not to have sex.

If it feels right; and there is no reason to not go forward with your passion, why the heck not right? If you have an answer to that question, which sounds right to you; than it's solved, no sex!



Decision made

P.s. I'm going to place a vote for 'no'.

 CasperImproved
Joined: 11/13/2011
Msg: 802
Does having sex when you meet for the first time ruin a chance for a real relationship?
Posted: 11/20/2011 12:14:45 AM
OP? I maybe a bit old fashioned, or maybe because I'm not a serial dater, but I can't relate to the question.

Unless I was between the age of 17 and 21, I wouldn't even want to have sex on a first "date". If you have sex on the first date, in my mind, it's not a date. It's a booty call. And no, I wouldn't respect you in the morning.
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