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 Cometchc
Joined: 8/17/2005
Msg: 701
Is separated single?Page 14 of 37    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37)
I am seeing a separated guy. He has been living apart for 3 years now. He dated other women before me, but said his feelings for me are much deeper. He told me "I love you" early on (the day after his wife attacked him - I'll get into that more below). He told me on the 2nd date his situation. He had dated a woman while he was still living in the house (huge and living at different ends of it). He didn't tell his wife about that one although he says she told him she gave him the OK to date.

He is quite a bit older than I and doesn't want more kids. He had never had a woman to the apartment he lives in before me. They were both utilizing it up until a few months before I met him (they didn't want the son going back and forth every week.. so they did instead). The wife asked him not to make it a love nest. I wouldn't let him come to my place when we first started dating so he invited me over finally saying: "I have to move on with my life" (ie, knew the wife would eventually see my car since she lives just down the street).

She tried to bust into the place one night while I was there. She attacked him and then the police and got herself arrested (no alcohol even). As the months went on I kept asking why he wasn't yet divorced and when he was going to get one. Sometimes I would get pretty forceful about it. He would say "This is good. I need to hear that I need to do it."

Anyway, we continued dating and he continued to tell me he was in love with me but would always add "I think you know that doesn';t mean I want to run out and get married tomorrow though right?" (Duh! He's not even divorced yet!).

About 5 months into it he started getting the divorce going. I asked him one day: "When you talk about life after your divorce and having a partner do you ever see me as that person?" "Of course I do!" he said "It's only natural to think of the person you're with. But I can't make any promises right now. I'm not saying I'm going to go out and try to screw every woman I can. But I'm going to be picky and ask a lot of questions. That's why I've been asking you a lot of questiosn" I was a little stunned. I guess I thought since he had been telling me he was in love with me he already was considering me pretty seriously and it sounded like he was saying he might start dating others.

A week later I mentioned how it made me uncomfortable. He said "We don't know how we're going to feel about this relationship after I'm divorced and have all my freedom back. I cant' give you any guarantees" I said "I know how I'm going to feel about you. I'm not sure I can do this anymore." He begged me not to make a rash decision. I asked what was the big deal if we took a break until his divorce was finalized? He said "#1, you mean a lot to me.. and #2... although #1 is more important.. it would be caving into my wife." ??? "What does she have to do with it??" I asked. "She's been trying to ruin this since day 1!" he said. "What? Her trying to break into the apartment? I'm over that!" I said. "I'm not!" he said.

I left for a week long business trip the next day. I didn't call or email him. He called and left a message everyday. When I got back he told me he had been telling his friends and family all week how much he loves me and was thinking a lot about our future and framed a bunch of pictures of me. I blew him off a couple days when I got back. When I finally called him he said "Should I stop framing pics of you and looking into flights to New Mexico?" (we had talked about vacationing there). I said I was sorry but wasn't ready to talk until then.

The next weekend we went away. He told me in a restaurant at dinner one night he had something he was thinking about a lot and wanted to ask me. He asked if I would be itnerested in building a life with him. I just looked at him "What do you think after what I told you last month?" (I had told him I wanted to marry him).

things have been very shaky and we've broken up twice since (for a few days only). He hasn't mentioned builfding a life again since but is constantly asking my forgiveness for the comments he made (ie, not knowing how he would feel about me once divorced). It's been a real stumbling block.
 just_good_old_stephen
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 703
Is separated single?
Posted: 5/30/2006 10:05:57 AM
not really if your separted from your man or woman , your still legally married, but there is ways to get out of a legal marrage without going to lawer, you file your divorce yourself at the local courts in the town you live in, and you could get some one other than a police officer to dilver the divorce papers( friend some one you know, etc ), if you can address at all, if anything if he or she wont get the divorce you could a annulment to the divorce without he or she even knowing it. and its all legal.

who says you need a lawer to get out of a really bad divorce, if you take the time to file it and do the divorce yourself, you can get a legal divorce without a crooked lawer that only wants your money. one way is to file a no fault divorce that what my mother did, and file in in a another state near by if anything it might cost you a little money for gasoline and to file the divorce papers with a local court small town no body knows about. if anything not much he or she can do unless they file agaist you, and if there children involed you can file for custody and well as child support yourself, and stick it to them in the long run legally, all without a lawer.

you all have a wonder life and God bless.
 Bryantinfl
Joined: 1/4/2006
Msg: 704
Is separated single?
Posted: 5/30/2006 10:24:39 AM

NO being separated is still being married in the eyes of the law. Nope.

I won't date a separated guy either, among many other things. I know. Picky picky picky. But guess who will be happier in the long run. You guessed. ME!


Get out of my head!!! How did you know I was going to say the EXACT same thing?
 singleguy64
Joined: 5/27/2006
Msg: 705
Is separated single?
Posted: 5/30/2006 10:48:20 AM

About 5 months into it he started getting the divorce going. I asked him one day: "When you talk about life after your divorce and having a partner do you ever see me as that person?" "Of course I do!" he said "It's only natural to think of the person you're with. But I can't make any promises right now. I'm not saying I'm going to go out and try to screw every woman I can. But I'm going to be picky and ask a lot of questions. That's why I've been asking you a lot of questiosn"


I'm sorry, you said he's dated other women for 3 years, and didn't start doing the divorce until he met you... from you pushing him on it, which was probably a good thing for him... and you got him thinking about *really* ending it (and doing it), and thinking about a future with someone (you)... and then when he says he's going to be careful and "ask a lot of questions", which to me is common sense, a lot of people get a bit more cautious after even just a relationship breakup, much less a divorce, with kids involved no less. And you blame him for being cautious and not saying he's going to 100% commit to you when he's still in the process of getting divorced? And sure, you're over his wife (yes, *wife*, they are only seperated) banging on the door in the middle of the night, but they may not have been living together but they have a kid together, and she still *is* legally his *wife*, yes, I could see very easily how thats not easy for him to just "get over". You and her have no emotional ties, no history, him and her *do*, remember, at one point they decided to get married, and had a kid together, you don't do that without there being some bond there - the fact that they are seperated and getting divorced doesn't just shut off all those feelings like a light switch.

Good god, if I was him I think *I* would have broken it off by now, permanently (not on and off) - but then again thats spoken by me who's never met you. The last thing I want is a woman who is holding the fact that I'm dealing with a lot of different emotions (I'm sure actually getting divorced, the finality of it, is dragging up a lot of stuff, plus "legalizing/formalizing" a child-custody agreement, etc) over my head and slamming on me over and over about committment on top of it. If he's still there, he must *really* have a lot of feelings for you, and you're giving him attitude instead of understanding.

Just a guys point of view.

And no, per the thread, seperated is *not* single, or most of the time isn't. It can be, after a while (ie, if you've been seperated for 10 years and not divorced, chances are you both are acting pretty much "single" by then). I'm sure its different for everyone, but seperated doesn't have the 'finality' emotion wise that divorce does (although even after divorce it could take some time).
 sungirl82
Joined: 2/6/2006
Msg: 706
Is separated single?
Posted: 5/30/2006 10:54:56 AM
I couldn't date a separated person. In my eyes, they are still married until the day their divorce becomes finalized.
 brandieskie
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 710
Is separated single?
Posted: 6/1/2006 9:50:23 PM
No, separated is NOT single, but I do agree that every situation is different. About a year and a half ago, I broke my cardinal rule of never getting involved with a man who is married/separated OR divorced. For a little over a year I was in a relationship with a man who had been separated for about 15 months before we got involved. Because of my insistence he filed for divorce and it became final while we were still together (kind of).

Although he told me he loved me throughout our relationship, he also told me he still loved his wife and probably always would (they were married for 16 years and had 2 kids together). That was my red flag, but I chose to ignore it. We eventually broke up for a multitude of reasons. Because of my experience, regardless of the situation, I will NOT date a man who is separated and would be reluctant to date a man who is divorced. Picky, yes, but as another poster said, I think I'll be happier in the long run.
 Regularghuy
Joined: 4/2/2006
Msg: 712
Is separated single?
Posted: 6/2/2006 5:54:34 AM
Damn the vodka for ruining all chances of spelling properly!

Thats Great !!!! I do that all the time ... when I've had a few ..... lol

Anyhow.... I am currently separated. almost 6 months now. It really doesnt matter what my situation is..... as earlier posts indicated some guys lie about their situation, rebounds I imagine are possible.
I do however present my situation honestly and I really only expect chat or email contact till I am divorced. Some ladies have chosen to talk and or meet me ... that is their choice and I appreciate that.
As the post indicate many ladies tell me to let them know when the divorce is final.

No separated is not single to answer the question...

Jim
 Sheezadyme
Joined: 1/10/2006
Msg: 713
Is separated single?
Posted: 6/2/2006 6:44:12 AM
Separated isn't single but sometimes married isn't together, my friend has been married for like 13 years but he doesn't sleep with his wife, eat with her, vacation with her or anything else he's at work all the time!

on the other hand...

I was in a ltr for 5 years lived together 2 of them and we slept together, ate together, played together etc...but I still considered myself single beacuse I wasn't married.


You're not technically single if you're married but you're not unsingle (nottaword I know) just because you're in a relationship...you're just that, "in a relationship" whether it's monogomous or otherwise. You're single 'til the law of your land says you're not.
 sparticuss
Joined: 5/9/2006
Msg: 726
Is separated single?
Posted: 6/4/2006 1:09:42 AM
NO being separated is still being married in the eyes of the law. Nope.

I won't date a separated guy either, among many other things. I know. Picky picky picky. But guess who will be happier in the long run. You guessed. ME!
==========================

How long a run design???

Five years? Or twenty five years?

Whenever you choose to be picky always remember that although the man shortage is a myth the supply of men , willing to committ after the damage done to them by the last divorce , does diminish.

A lot of hetro Aussie women these days are turing to lesbian relationships because of it.
 TruGen
Joined: 6/5/2006
Msg: 728
Is separated single?
Posted: 6/7/2006 5:32:33 AM
Been there, done that. The short answer is no, separated is not single. Single is single, divorced is single, widowed is single, but any version of married is married. I dated a "separated" guy, and on our one year anniversary he had sex with his wife. He's been separated two years now, and that's plenty of time to get a divorce; I mean he's not Donald Trump. If they're still married, they're hanging on for some reason. And they won't be quick to tell YOU what that reason is.
 Bikeman_
Joined: 10/8/2005
Msg: 729
Is separated single?
Posted: 6/7/2006 7:24:15 AM
No Trugen, I respect your opinion, but I've had different experiences. Widows who on the surface are ok but emotionally are a wreck. Single ladies who tell me they aren't seeing anyone else but are dating multiple guys simultaneously. Separatees who were unusually emotionally balanced. Divorced women who were extremely spiteful over their X.

Each situation and everyone is different, it's easy to make the short answer to try to simplify things in our minds, but life is much more complex than that.
 singleguy64
Joined: 5/27/2006
Msg: 732
Is separated single?
Posted: 6/10/2006 10:07:30 AM
I have to agree with that bike_man, every circumstance is different. The divorced women still extremely spiteful over their X, maybe should look at their part in it and move on. Widows, well, I can see still having emotional issues after losing someone you love, especially to unexpected death. I've met single women who yes, lie, or on the flip side who are single just because they are emotionally unstable to begin with and their relationships don't last. And I've known some people, both sides, who were well balanced and "emotionall divorced" if not legally on paper.

I think there's a matter of time, I could certainly see a man being seperated, and both of them dating and having that "emotional divorce", while keeping the legal marriage so the kids have his insurance from the job. If they are mature about it and emotionally over it, I'm not so sure thats a big negative (unless, as someone posted, you want to marry them, then its obviously an issue).

To me its more an issue of that "emotional seperation" rather than some legal boundry. Although I would still argue that no, seperated is not "single", in they eye's of the law anyways, and I've been in a relationship with someone seperated, who wasn't really over with things emotionally, so I would be very cautious of it again... but I think you can be seperated and "emotionally single", even if not "legally single".
 Ginger-ann
Joined: 5/29/2006
Msg: 733
Is separated single?
Posted: 6/10/2006 12:03:34 PM
I am seperated now for nearly a year . Did not date during this time took a while to recompose myself and now feel ready to start dating . I just want to take a break from dealing with negativity for a while that is why have not gone through with divorce quite yet . Need some positive focus for awhile. Is it wrong to take a slow approach to the change in my life? Everyone has own speed for things, but I definately see no reconciliation in our future , and decided to evolve myself in the dating expirience. It definately says SEPERATED on my profile so no games here.
 Darkwolf46
Joined: 6/7/2006
Msg: 734
Is separated single?
Posted: 6/10/2006 12:12:29 PM
I throw my vote in with the "depends on the situation" contingent, as I think it is possible to be separated and move forward while things get taken care of - although maybe it is a 50/50 proposition. Probably some people can't move on and are waiting for their spouse to return from Vegas with the stripper, but, can be done. We have to be careful about making generalizations about relationships, I guess. I agree with what SG64 said about being "emotionally separated".....I think that's the key.

You can't start a new chapter if you're still in the same old book. :)
 Forget Me Not
Joined: 6/9/2006
Msg: 735
Is separated single?
Posted: 6/10/2006 7:06:01 PM
Sometimes there are legitimate financial reasons for staying separated. For example- While I'm still married on paper my ex is still covered by my company benefit plan.

That would be the reason no divorce has been filed here too. I need the health insurance, I have some ongoing health issues that need taken care of and won't have a plan upon divorce. He has moved on with the woman he left me for and I'm not stupid enough to want him back so the marriage is for all purposes over and done.

Since I have no intentions of getting remarried quickly (out of a 25yr long relationship) I don't really see the need to hardship myself in order to have the "right" to date.
 Darkwolf46
Joined: 6/7/2006
Msg: 737
Is separated single?
Posted: 6/11/2006 3:12:55 PM
Sorry, Wolf.......holy smoke! I hear that! But, you know, as hard as it is to believe, sometimes they jump back.........
 chicky63
Joined: 11/17/2005
Msg: 739
Is separated single?
Posted: 6/11/2006 7:34:22 PM
Ruckus i feel the same way. Some people even though they were devorced still marry the same one after time has gone by. Life does go on weather you are with that person or an other. Seperated legally or not if they are not living together trying to get on with their life you might as well make the best of it. That is how i feel. I have been seperated for over a year and he lives in anothere state then i do.
 Nemafish
Joined: 8/20/2005
Msg: 740
Is separated single?
Posted: 6/11/2006 11:01:07 PM
Nope... separated isn't single. Divorced, widowed, never married - that's single. Anything other than that is some kind of married and wouldn't be something I'd consider. "My wife doesn't understand me" is one of the oldest lines in the book.
 placenamehere
Joined: 6/4/2006
Msg: 741
Is separated single?
Posted: 6/11/2006 11:04:19 PM
No I wouldn't. But then again I don't like or need any kind of drama in my life. I might invovle myself after only speaking to the other person in the marraige (b/c that is what it still is) and made sure they understood my intentions. That way it may not feel so wrong and you may still get some much need days of our lives type drama.
 Trying2FindU2
Joined: 6/1/2006
Msg: 742
Is separated single?
Posted: 6/12/2006 7:17:27 AM
Like many others have stated already in this thread, in my opinion, it really depends upon the situation whether or not to date someone who is separated. In my case, my wife had not one, but two affairs. I tried to work things out with her after the first affair she had with a mutual friend, and thought we were back on track. I even started to trust her again, and we were seeing a marriage counselor. Boy was I wrong. The only thing she changed was her tactics. With the second affair, she told no one, and found a guy at the gym we went to. She is so skillful at lying, that I think she even believes them herself sometimes. Needless to say, she is going to turn 40 this year and has issues wanting to party and feel young again. Both times she told me I had done nothing wrong, and that she just needed the excitement. Well... I'm not into sharing my partner with anyone else, and I have already pushed her out of my mind. The divorce should be finalized soon, and I am moving on. I will never take her back because how she treated me, when I was doing everything possible to make things work. I would hope that many women on this site could understand this situation, and give my profile a serious look. Instead of just moving on when they saw the word "separated". I would rather be truthful from the start than lie and put that I am already divorced. My two cents...
 justshrimpie
Joined: 10/26/2005
Msg: 743
Is separated single?
Posted: 6/12/2006 11:24:45 AM
I would never date a man that is just "separated" because he is still married. If he is seeing someone while still legally married it would be cheating and I don't want any part of it.
 rainskiss
Joined: 3/5/2006
Msg: 744
Is separated single?
Posted: 6/12/2006 12:21:04 PM
Not everyone is fortunate enough to be able to afford divorce just like that. So yes If I was sure he was done with his ex and this wasn't just a cooling down period I would.
 Trying2FindU2
Joined: 6/1/2006
Msg: 746
Is separated single?
Posted: 6/12/2006 1:57:31 PM
Good for you, feylass... Stick them with the legal bill, they deserve it...
 FitAznCdn
Joined: 5/26/2006
Msg: 749
Is separated single?
Posted: 6/12/2006 11:56:39 PM
Ask yourself these questions?

Do I want to be with someone who can't get his butt out of the house just to save expenses? Do I want to be with someone who is not financially stable? Do I want to share paying his bills, alimony and family maintenance? Do I want myself get tangled in this drama and issues? Am I this desperate knowing there's lotsa fish in the sea?

Think girl, think!!!
 Forget Me Not
Joined: 6/9/2006
Msg: 751
Is separated single?
Posted: 6/13/2006 10:54:28 AM
Oh and I just wanted to add that living in the same house is not single. My stbx lived in the garage for 3mths and I didn't consider that separated and ready to date even though stbx WAS dating but hey he started "dating" while we were still sleeping in the same bed .
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