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 Coastergal
Joined: 7/24/2005
Msg: 686
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Is separated single?Page 16 of 37    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37)
NOPE seperate isn't fully single......

-Divorced.... has finality..........
-Seperated.. has some major baggage... ups and downs...... to get to the finality....

I've gone out with 2 guys that let me know they were seperated...
The 1st we were dating very seriously
The 2nd I stated I would ONLY be friends...... I learned from my 1st! LOL

I recently went out with someone that said they were divorced... but there really weren't..... still had drama from finishing up the divorce.....

So NO I won't date someone that is seperated..............
 lizross2
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 689
Is separated single?
Posted: 5/28/2006 11:28:03 AM
Hello everyone,

I am separated and have been for almost 4 years. The reason I am not divorced by now is the money thing. It is very expensive to get a divorce. But, I will get one eventually. I do not look at myself as being married anymore. Although, I am married in the eyes of the law, I am not in my heart and I think that's what counts. I am not bothered by my husband. That in itself is a long story.
 Kytasau
Joined: 5/25/2006
Msg: 690
Is separated single?
Posted: 5/28/2006 11:32:08 AM
Depends on how long they have been seperated and/or how emotionally involved they still are with the partner they're seperated from.
 Frank44010
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 691
Is separated single?
Posted: 5/28/2006 2:15:36 PM
I'm in the "separated" catagory and it appears to be a state of limbo instead of flux. My marriage is finished - the paperwork is not.
 1sttime
Joined: 5/26/2006
Msg: 692
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History
Is separated single?
Posted: 5/29/2006 12:14:07 AM
actually time may or may not matter..ie nystate usually takes at least a year...but the more property to divide the longer it seems to take...so im not sure actual chronilogical time may be important... i think were the people are mentally and pysically is probably a greater issue....
 TampaLady
Joined: 3/20/2006
Msg: 693
Is separated single?
Posted: 5/29/2006 12:57:28 AM
Separation is not only a legal grey area, but can also be an emotional grey area. For some, the marriage was really over long ago and it's just a matter of crossing the T's and dotting the I's. For others, the emotional battle can continue for years with no guarantee that a divorce will ever occur.

Not everyone thinks they need an adjustment period after a separation or divorce, but I think everyone benefits by having time to settle into a new life.

I'd rather take a chance on a man fresh out of a marriage, than one who's never committed to a marriage at all. (For reference: I'm 51 with a 20 year marriage behind me. Any never-married man I'd be interested in has a long track record of never making the ultimate commitment.) Dating someone who's separated is risky, but I think it's possible to get to know the individual and their circumstance before deep emotional ties form.
 YippieRiyiya
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 694
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History
Is separated single?
Posted: 5/29/2006 8:44:11 AM
Not just No...but hell NO! Been there done that. Sometimes there really is no love in the marriage and both partners would like out but it is difficult to split up the assets of a long term marriage and start over. I think most will choose to stay in the marriage to protect what they have earned materially. Meantime "we" the other person get older with less options.
 crabstuffing
Joined: 1/15/2006
Msg: 696
Is separated single?
Posted: 5/29/2006 9:04:53 AM

Seperated is far from single. Pending divorce is far from divorced. Newly divorced is far from single too.


SO TRUE.
 flsoldier
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 697
Is separated single?
Posted: 5/29/2006 9:10:09 AM
No matter how long you've been separated, if you're not divorced, you're not single.

Everyone has their personal preferences and views this differently. Myself, I state plainly in any profile I've ever written that if you're "married but separated" I'm not interested. Don't contact me.

I know people say there are financial reasons, personal reasons, the kids, etc, blah, blah. That's fine and good and the reasons may be valid for you, but it's not something I'd have any interest in being a part of.
 OrchidDaisy
Joined: 3/17/2006
Msg: 698
Is separated single?
Posted: 5/29/2006 10:39:40 AM
Each situation is individual. I married a rocket scientist who abandonned me right away and has lived in another state ever since. In this case - I was only married on paper and an annulment should be easy...... BUT, if you are wanting to see someone who still LIVES with their ex, or has KIDS with their ex (especially young kids...) Then you have a whole different ball of wax and you should absolutely wait until the divorce is final. Why? There is a special thing that happens psychologically once a person is actually free - they could suddenly really want to explore - and only have been using you to get through their situation. (Just like how men leave after getting through school - they have that degree and want to upgrade the woman also...) IF he gets a divorce - and then he pursues you continually - then you know it's real and good. Don't push - let it all work out naturally... you'll see his true desires... Hope this helps - Justine
 Bikeman_
Joined: 10/8/2005
Msg: 700
Is separated single?
Posted: 5/30/2006 8:37:21 AM
some separated people are more available to date than others. in the same respect some single and divorced folks are more available. evaluate on a case-by-case basis. hmm that neatly sums up my opinion.
 Cometchc
Joined: 8/17/2005
Msg: 701
Is separated single?
Posted: 5/30/2006 9:00:37 AM
I am seeing a separated guy. He has been living apart for 3 years now. He dated other women before me, but said his feelings for me are much deeper. He told me "I love you" early on (the day after his wife attacked him - I'll get into that more below). He told me on the 2nd date his situation. He had dated a woman while he was still living in the house (huge and living at different ends of it). He didn't tell his wife about that one although he says she told him she gave him the OK to date.

He is quite a bit older than I and doesn't want more kids. He had never had a woman to the apartment he lives in before me. They were both utilizing it up until a few months before I met him (they didn't want the son going back and forth every week.. so they did instead). The wife asked him not to make it a love nest. I wouldn't let him come to my place when we first started dating so he invited me over finally saying: "I have to move on with my life" (ie, knew the wife would eventually see my car since she lives just down the street).

She tried to bust into the place one night while I was there. She attacked him and then the police and got herself arrested (no alcohol even). As the months went on I kept asking why he wasn't yet divorced and when he was going to get one. Sometimes I would get pretty forceful about it. He would say "This is good. I need to hear that I need to do it."

Anyway, we continued dating and he continued to tell me he was in love with me but would always add "I think you know that doesn';t mean I want to run out and get married tomorrow though right?" (Duh! He's not even divorced yet!).

About 5 months into it he started getting the divorce going. I asked him one day: "When you talk about life after your divorce and having a partner do you ever see me as that person?" "Of course I do!" he said "It's only natural to think of the person you're with. But I can't make any promises right now. I'm not saying I'm going to go out and try to screw every woman I can. But I'm going to be picky and ask a lot of questions. That's why I've been asking you a lot of questiosn" I was a little stunned. I guess I thought since he had been telling me he was in love with me he already was considering me pretty seriously and it sounded like he was saying he might start dating others.

A week later I mentioned how it made me uncomfortable. He said "We don't know how we're going to feel about this relationship after I'm divorced and have all my freedom back. I cant' give you any guarantees" I said "I know how I'm going to feel about you. I'm not sure I can do this anymore." He begged me not to make a rash decision. I asked what was the big deal if we took a break until his divorce was finalized? He said "#1, you mean a lot to me.. and #2... although #1 is more important.. it would be caving into my wife." ??? "What does she have to do with it??" I asked. "She's been trying to ruin this since day 1!" he said. "What? Her trying to break into the apartment? I'm over that!" I said. "I'm not!" he said.

I left for a week long business trip the next day. I didn't call or email him. He called and left a message everyday. When I got back he told me he had been telling his friends and family all week how much he loves me and was thinking a lot about our future and framed a bunch of pictures of me. I blew him off a couple days when I got back. When I finally called him he said "Should I stop framing pics of you and looking into flights to New Mexico?" (we had talked about vacationing there). I said I was sorry but wasn't ready to talk until then.

The next weekend we went away. He told me in a restaurant at dinner one night he had something he was thinking about a lot and wanted to ask me. He asked if I would be itnerested in building a life with him. I just looked at him "What do you think after what I told you last month?" (I had told him I wanted to marry him).

things have been very shaky and we've broken up twice since (for a few days only). He hasn't mentioned builfding a life again since but is constantly asking my forgiveness for the comments he made (ie, not knowing how he would feel about me once divorced). It's been a real stumbling block.
 TheAwesomeGirl
Joined: 9/27/2004
Msg: 702
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Is separated single?
Posted: 5/30/2006 9:37:17 AM
Just 2cents: In 1981, my then-27-or-28yr old sister moved with her then-fiance (BF of 5+ years) from Philadelphia to Colorado. After about a half-year she flew back east to do the last 2months of prep for them to get married with family around. He flew east to visit 1-2x during that time and for the wedding of course. They drove back to Colorado instead of a "real" honeymoon, and literally 1 day after they arrived in Colorado, he told her, "it's been a big mistake, I met someone while you were gone." She was stunned and stupidly allowed him to put her and one suitcase on a plane back east. He promptly emptied their joint back accounts, devastating her financially, and moved-in with the other woman, and that was the last anyone heard of him. My sister never again saw any of her lifetime of possessions taken with her to CO. She tried time and again to reach him for a divorce, including repeatedly contacting his family, who refused to assist her in any way whatsoever. He moved multiple times and after about 2 years she gave up, not having anyone significant in her life to make it an issue of not being able to remarry and being too broke/focused on rebuilding her life. She finally hired an investigator and got the divorce papers signed in **1999**. So for something like 17 years she was technically "separated but not divorced." She dated as she pleased once she got to that point in her life, and told these guys her story upfront; she lived with one fellow for close to 10years but chose in the end to not remarry. I don't think she was an a$$ or a liar/shyster, she just tried to make the best of a very crappy situaton.

Things happen and so you have to look at the person not the label.
 just_good_old_stephen
Joined: 5/28/2006
Msg: 703
Is separated single?
Posted: 5/30/2006 10:05:57 AM
not really if your separted from your man or woman , your still legally married, but there is ways to get out of a legal marrage without going to lawer, you file your divorce yourself at the local courts in the town you live in, and you could get some one other than a police officer to dilver the divorce papers( friend some one you know, etc ), if you can address at all, if anything if he or she wont get the divorce you could a annulment to the divorce without he or she even knowing it. and its all legal.

who says you need a lawer to get out of a really bad divorce, if you take the time to file it and do the divorce yourself, you can get a legal divorce without a crooked lawer that only wants your money. one way is to file a no fault divorce that what my mother did, and file in in a another state near by if anything it might cost you a little money for gasoline and to file the divorce papers with a local court small town no body knows about. if anything not much he or she can do unless they file agaist you, and if there children involed you can file for custody and well as child support yourself, and stick it to them in the long run legally, all without a lawer.

you all have a wonder life and God bless.
 Bryantinfl
Joined: 1/4/2006
Msg: 704
Is separated single?
Posted: 5/30/2006 10:24:39 AM

NO being separated is still being married in the eyes of the law. Nope.

I won't date a separated guy either, among many other things. I know. Picky picky picky. But guess who will be happier in the long run. You guessed. ME!


Get out of my head!!! How did you know I was going to say the EXACT same thing?
 singleguy64
Joined: 5/27/2006
Msg: 705
Is separated single?
Posted: 5/30/2006 10:48:20 AM

About 5 months into it he started getting the divorce going. I asked him one day: "When you talk about life after your divorce and having a partner do you ever see me as that person?" "Of course I do!" he said "It's only natural to think of the person you're with. But I can't make any promises right now. I'm not saying I'm going to go out and try to screw every woman I can. But I'm going to be picky and ask a lot of questions. That's why I've been asking you a lot of questiosn"


I'm sorry, you said he's dated other women for 3 years, and didn't start doing the divorce until he met you... from you pushing him on it, which was probably a good thing for him... and you got him thinking about *really* ending it (and doing it), and thinking about a future with someone (you)... and then when he says he's going to be careful and "ask a lot of questions", which to me is common sense, a lot of people get a bit more cautious after even just a relationship breakup, much less a divorce, with kids involved no less. And you blame him for being cautious and not saying he's going to 100% commit to you when he's still in the process of getting divorced? And sure, you're over his wife (yes, *wife*, they are only seperated) banging on the door in the middle of the night, but they may not have been living together but they have a kid together, and she still *is* legally his *wife*, yes, I could see very easily how thats not easy for him to just "get over". You and her have no emotional ties, no history, him and her *do*, remember, at one point they decided to get married, and had a kid together, you don't do that without there being some bond there - the fact that they are seperated and getting divorced doesn't just shut off all those feelings like a light switch.

Good god, if I was him I think *I* would have broken it off by now, permanently (not on and off) - but then again thats spoken by me who's never met you. The last thing I want is a woman who is holding the fact that I'm dealing with a lot of different emotions (I'm sure actually getting divorced, the finality of it, is dragging up a lot of stuff, plus "legalizing/formalizing" a child-custody agreement, etc) over my head and slamming on me over and over about committment on top of it. If he's still there, he must *really* have a lot of feelings for you, and you're giving him attitude instead of understanding.

Just a guys point of view.

And no, per the thread, seperated is *not* single, or most of the time isn't. It can be, after a while (ie, if you've been seperated for 10 years and not divorced, chances are you both are acting pretty much "single" by then). I'm sure its different for everyone, but seperated doesn't have the 'finality' emotion wise that divorce does (although even after divorce it could take some time).
 sungirl82
Joined: 2/6/2006
Msg: 706
Is separated single?
Posted: 5/30/2006 10:54:56 AM
I couldn't date a separated person. In my eyes, they are still married until the day their divorce becomes finalized.
 alishatngirl
Joined: 2/9/2006
Msg: 707
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Is separated single?
Posted: 5/31/2006 2:13:27 PM
it just depends on the situation....like my i am legally seperated from my husband wit full intentions of divorce....i cannot afford a divorce and he refuses to help me pay for one....he was very abusive and spent alot of time in jail for it.....i have arestraining order against him and he is to come nowhere near me...i legt him a year ago after he almost out me in the hospital for the last time....because i cant pay for a divorce does that mean i dont have the right or capability to not seek the company of someone who i might truly fall in love wit and theyll give me respect and loyalty something i wasnt getting from my marriagewit my husband? i think i more than deserve to seek good companionship after all he did to me even tho im just seperated.....i havent even seen or talked to my husband in a year......as far as i know he landed back in jail for abusing his new girlfriend last i heard...so i think seperated can be seen as single in my case.....its the situation not the title.....
alisha
 brandieskie
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 710
Is separated single?
Posted: 6/1/2006 9:50:23 PM
No, separated is NOT single, but I do agree that every situation is different. About a year and a half ago, I broke my cardinal rule of never getting involved with a man who is married/separated OR divorced. For a little over a year I was in a relationship with a man who had been separated for about 15 months before we got involved. Because of my insistence he filed for divorce and it became final while we were still together (kind of).

Although he told me he loved me throughout our relationship, he also told me he still loved his wife and probably always would (they were married for 16 years and had 2 kids together). That was my red flag, but I chose to ignore it. We eventually broke up for a multitude of reasons. Because of my experience, regardless of the situation, I will NOT date a man who is separated and would be reluctant to date a man who is divorced. Picky, yes, but as another poster said, I think I'll be happier in the long run.
 Regularghuy
Joined: 4/2/2006
Msg: 712
Is separated single?
Posted: 6/2/2006 5:54:34 AM
Damn the vodka for ruining all chances of spelling properly!

Thats Great !!!! I do that all the time ... when I've had a few ..... lol

Anyhow.... I am currently separated. almost 6 months now. It really doesnt matter what my situation is..... as earlier posts indicated some guys lie about their situation, rebounds I imagine are possible.
I do however present my situation honestly and I really only expect chat or email contact till I am divorced. Some ladies have chosen to talk and or meet me ... that is their choice and I appreciate that.
As the post indicate many ladies tell me to let them know when the divorce is final.

No separated is not single to answer the question...

Jim
 Sheezadyme
Joined: 1/10/2006
Msg: 713
Is separated single?
Posted: 6/2/2006 6:44:12 AM
Separated isn't single but sometimes married isn't together, my friend has been married for like 13 years but he doesn't sleep with his wife, eat with her, vacation with her or anything else he's at work all the time!

on the other hand...

I was in a ltr for 5 years lived together 2 of them and we slept together, ate together, played together etc...but I still considered myself single beacuse I wasn't married.


You're not technically single if you're married but you're not unsingle (nottaword I know) just because you're in a relationship...you're just that, "in a relationship" whether it's monogomous or otherwise. You're single 'til the law of your land says you're not.
 electric_jester62
Joined: 1/4/2006
Msg: 715
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History
Is separated single?
Posted: 6/2/2006 11:05:44 PM
Not in my book it isn't.........
 YellowHeart
Joined: 4/3/2006
Msg: 719
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Is separated single?
Posted: 6/3/2006 2:04:10 PM
There is a relationship-formula theory stating: After a breakup, it take one year of personal healing, for every four years the prior relationship lasted. Ask yourself where you are emotionally and if you would want to start a relationship with someone who hasn't healed.
 Astrido
Joined: 12/28/2005
Msg: 720
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Is separated single?
Posted: 6/3/2006 2:57:26 PM
This is the post where all those that are separated (or dated while still married) will try post pretty convincing stuff about being 'emotionally' or 'physically' separated ...

Separated is married ... legally, morally and in every other sense of the word. There's a reason stuff is left undone and it's usually not the kids.

If you're 'separated' friend is in the hospital you can't make any decisions for them, their spouse can and they can even refuse you visitation. If they die you get nothing, their spouse gets it all. Chances are really good that holidays and family pictures will also exclude you ... so why on earth start a new chapter when you haven't finished the last one? Isn't life in general hard enough without complicating things more?

Remember what goes around comes around ...
 Astrido
Joined: 12/28/2005
Msg: 721
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History
Is separated single?
Posted: 6/3/2006 3:10:31 PM
Mixing the words 'divorce' and 'healing' in the same sentence implies an illness of sorts. While the formula that you state is really good and pretty standard it only works when people are working on themselves to heal, grow and learn in the process.

Most people today seem to be really into the "I'm okay it was all their fault" mentality. There is no mounring and they don't take any ownership for what they contributed (or didn't) that added to the demise of the relationship. In that case it doesn't matter how many years goes by there is no 'healing' or growth, just repeated mistakes...

Remember what goes around, comes around ...
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