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 babyfarmer
Joined: 3/10/2006
Msg: 451
Is separated single?Page 19 of 37    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37)
Attached to what???? Even if I were divorced from my husband we would still be attached on some level because we share children...so am I ruined for all others?
 wikkidd
Joined: 2/15/2006
Msg: 452
Is separated single?
Posted: 4/11/2006 5:07:05 PM

The decision, we both took - go separate ways with separate roofs - was the best for our son


So i take it then, because you made this decision..and it was best for YOUR son (in your opinion) everyone elses decisions are to be judged by your standards?
What if the next couple decided what was best for THEIR son was to maintain an united front in the home...though intimately they are separated?


Society in these days hasn't changed much from the past. Image prevails substance

"substance" by whose standards?...who decided what the correct "substance" should be?
You?...the "society" who has not changed?...who??
 puppet master
Joined: 1/6/2006
Msg: 453
Is separated single?
Posted: 4/11/2006 5:16:11 PM
well after reading through all 19 pages of this thread it seems to me that what is at the heart of the matter isn't really are seperated people "single"..its much more are seperated people emotionally available and able to carry on a healthy relationship with another person, and that can be judged only on individual circumstances.

now as much as people say it is easy to get a divorce, or it is cheap to get a divorce, that is not always the case....particularly if there are children involved, and/or marital assets that need to be split. there is no doubt that in a lot of cases it makes much more sense to remain married but seperated, unless there is a pressing reason to divorce.

i personally remained "married" for ten years after my split with my ex-husband. there were a number of factors at play, but one being that he left the province after our seperation, failed to provide me with an address and therefore was unable to be served with divorce papers. was there alternatives, yes of course, there always are, my personal favorite one being that i place advertisments in all major newspapers, in every major city, of every province in canada stating my intent to divorce him. this ad had to run for 10 consecutive days in each of the applicable papers, and was no inexpensive alternative for a single parent. my second alternative was to add an additional 3 years, for some archaic desertion law to apply, onto the mandatory one year waiting period, and then the court would be willing to grant the divorce without his consent. now as luck would have it, my ex decided about 4 months before the 4 (legally registered, 7 years in total) were up to turn up again, and although he did not want to contest the divorce, he did want to re-instate himself into our sons life. so after almost 7 years of being "seperated" both legally and emotionally, we started the divorce procedure. now i am no expert on the law anywhere else except nova scotia, but here they will, or at least at that point in time, would not, issue a divorce until all "outstanding" issues pertaining to child custody, access, and division of property were dealt with. with the backlog in family court here it took close to an additional 2 years to get the custody/access agreement settled.

now, when i look back at it all did i consider myself married, absolutely not, but nor was i divorced or single....so i guess i was a seperated "single" parent. however was i emotionally able to involve myself in another relationship...most definately.

so i guess the bottom line is; it does all boil down to personal choice, and individual circumstances. i do think however, that anyone who discounts "seperated" automatically, without regard for any of the mitigating factors may be losing out on a chance to have a great relationship with a great person.
 babyfarmer
Joined: 3/10/2006
Msg: 454
Is separated single?
Posted: 4/11/2006 5:25:34 PM
puppet master you explained that excellently!
 Mitakuye Oyasin
Joined: 3/2/2006
Msg: 455
Is separated single?
Posted: 4/11/2006 5:31:14 PM
Seperated means leaving your options open
for reconciliation with your wife or husband.
It means an unwillingness to "let go" and move on.
 puppet master
Joined: 1/6/2006
Msg: 456
Is separated single?
Posted: 4/11/2006 5:37:55 PM
@bluelake......there is only one response to that....total narrowminded crap
 floky
Joined: 1/17/2006
Msg: 457
Is separated single?
Posted: 4/11/2006 6:45:40 PM
nergal, You got that right. A question: Did you ever hear so many excuses for eating your cake and having it too!!
 Rocky444
Joined: 3/29/2005
Msg: 458
Is separated single?
Posted: 4/11/2006 7:26:45 PM
Doh, If your separated your not together.
 wikkidd
Joined: 2/15/2006
Msg: 459
Is separated single?
Posted: 4/11/2006 7:56:15 PM
I appreciate the fact that THOSE WHO HAVE HAD TO LIVE THROUGH IT AND MAKE THE CHOICES are at least willing to look at it from a different point of view...not even necessarily agreeing with...but at least trying to see that there are different angles to this...it is not cut and dry and it is not black and white...there are a lot of gray areas in it...


that anyone who discounts "seperated" automatically, without regard for any of the mitigating factors may be losing out on a chance to have a great relationship with a great person
 yourdelights
Joined: 3/27/2006
Msg: 460
Is separated single?
Posted: 4/11/2006 7:56:23 PM
Pupet Master....YOU ROCK!!!!!

Welcome to this thread.....Love your outlook...and is what I have been trying my darndest to say. Your second last post was said just about the best it can be put into words.

Wikkidd....love your outlook too.

And to all those that won't give a seperated person a chance to prove there love for you....shame on you all.
 wikkidd
Joined: 2/15/2006
Msg: 461
Is separated single?
Posted: 4/11/2006 8:07:55 PM

Did you ever hear so many excuses for eating your cake and having it too!!


That is an absolutely inane comment...and i'm going to guess you have never had to make such choices or decisions regarding your marriage or the well being of your children (and good for you because i don't wish that on any family by the way) but some of us weren't as lucky to have a marriage to which we got the opportunity to fulfill our vows...so that you were one of the fortunate ones...that makes the rest of us what?
 RRouge
Joined: 2/1/2006
Msg: 462
Is separated single?
Posted: 4/11/2006 8:12:24 PM
I can speek from personal knowledge as well as a few other people I have know in the same situation. I would not involve myself with a seperated person.. I have known too many who try to patch things up after a period of time. Now the third party is left hanging in the wind.

This may not be so for everyone of course but I would rather start something with someone who is open for more advancement in a relationship.
 RRouge
Joined: 2/1/2006
Msg: 463
Is separated single?
Posted: 4/11/2006 8:13:49 PM
Some times too many ties can gag a new relationship as I am sure many have found out in life.
 Hello guy
Joined: 11/16/2005
Msg: 464
view profile
History
Is separated single?
Posted: 4/11/2006 8:15:35 PM
Well when 2 people are married..they are in love....however when one is seperated it might be able to be pushed to mean single...however if the man is in heartattack city when he sees reminders of what he is about to lose...this is surely becomes a no date Zone...i would make sure first..that it will lead somewhere first...however if u know this couple will break up over smalll things...what is wrong with taking advantage of it? You can learn alot about yourself through having relationships like these as well as about the other person
 Hello guy
Joined: 11/16/2005
Msg: 465
view profile
History
Is separated single?
Posted: 4/11/2006 8:22:11 PM
Speaking as a child that came out of 2 broken marriages...i think it sucks that parents stays together for the kids...here is why! Parents are there not to love each other but the children...in answer to your original question...No...ruined? Sex is good for marriage however its not the only thing...in my opinion i think the state laws to much emphasis on family planning and when abortions happen...i think its time that your legislatures take a look at the family for what is really is...a loving and caring home filled with people who love and care about each other...single ran or not. Everyone can benefit from their partner in one way or another. I want to be honest with the person i am with..and if it donesn't work out...then the kid needs to deal with it...after it being to explaiineed to them...The parent has a right to be in love when the time is right for that parent...The child should respect that.
 Hello guy
Joined: 11/16/2005
Msg: 466
view profile
History
Is separated single?
Posted: 4/11/2006 8:31:27 PM
First of all you make good points...however the relationship is between the parents..the child's obligation to the family is honor and obey his parents. This would end up in possibly the parents getting therapy ...and the child's action would become behavior controlling...the son would eventually feel he has the power to control and manuplate both parents eventually and soon the son would target people as a general would target the other sides general as the enemy.
If your willing to give your son the power to your freedom then go for it...however...it will emotionally weaker...and soon you and him....will have no life...not a matter of chosing image...if you chose image..then you have broken the vows at marriage...marriage vows are there for a reason...not to ignored and put aside...but to be committed to each other..heavens the thought of putting kids in charge of how relationships go. Kids are simply this kids...they have no understanding what a relationship is.
Who did you marry? The kid or your snookums? If things have become that bad...i would advise ANYONE to seek counseling and a divorce...as i have lived through this myself...
 Hello guy
Joined: 11/16/2005
Msg: 467
view profile
History
Is separated single?
Posted: 4/11/2006 8:35:51 PM
well actually i was married for 1 year and seperated for three years...and when it came to our wedding vows...i had continual reminders of why i should take them seriously .. however i am a child of 2 divorces...and am not happy about this..however...as a child experiencing both divorces i had a younger sister to protect through their divorce fights. Had i not done this ...she would have never have been alive today.
 babyfarmer
Joined: 3/10/2006
Msg: 468
Is separated single?
Posted: 4/11/2006 8:52:37 PM
Too many people are scared of getting into a relationship with a seperated person for fear that they will go back to their ex. If they are going to go back to their ex they are going to do it regardless even if they are divorced. Divorce and marriage is nothing but a peice of paper. I know plenty of divorcees who have given their marriage a second shot and sometimes even married again. By chosing to be with someone that is divorced verses seperated because you are afraid they will go back to their ex you are just giving yourself a false sense of security.
 puppet master
Joined: 1/6/2006
Msg: 469
Is separated single?
Posted: 4/12/2006 1:02:01 AM
@your delights and baby

thanks guys!!

as far as children go, pertaining to the whole seperated, divorced scenerio, it is really irrelevant what the current marital status is of the parents. when my sons father left, do you really think he cared if we were "seperated", of course not.....what mattered was his father was no longer there. when i applied for "legal seperation" after a couple of years, that surely did not matter to him either. and well by the time the actual divorce happened he was 12 or 13 years old, and his father hadn't been around for alot of his formative years. believe you me, the fact that we were finally divorced was the least of his concerns.

the fact of the matter is, if you choose to involve yourself with someone with kids, unless they are a widow/widower, there is a very good change the ex will be in the picture, it doesn't really matter if they have been seperated for a year or divorced for 10. although the emotional "romantic" ties can be severed, the parental ones should not be. myself personally would have no problem dating a seperated person if the circumstances were condusive to a relationship. i would however look real close at any man who was divorced for 10 years and not a part of their kids life.......i see a whole lot more emotional red flages there, than with men like bandito and delights.

and well for those of you who think kids are to much excess baggage, well again that is your choice.....and again the legal maritial status of the parents has nothing to do with it.

me, i prefer to look at mine as top of the line, high-quality carry on luggage...that i wouldn't go anywhere without.
 yourdelights
Joined: 3/27/2006
Msg: 470
Is separated single?
Posted: 4/12/2006 6:01:59 AM
Ok folks this is seriously my last post in this thread. I have been contacted by at least 6 people to come back in and talk on the subject but frankly...there are too many negitive thinking people in here.

It shouldn't matter if you are single, widowed, divorced, seperated, black, white, yellow, small, tall, thin, hefty, healthy, handicaped, smart or challenged.

The way people look at things have been issues for years. So lets face it nothing we are going to say is going to make them wake up.


When it comes to relationships it shouldn't matter what your status is....it is just as easy for a single's couple to get back together with an ex as it would be for anyone else.


And for those that are seperated there are reasons for that to come about....if they wanted to be with their ex's they wouldn't have become seperated. Seperated is a term used between marraige and divorce. It is a statement of moving on with life, they can be just as commited to a new relationship as anyone else.

So everyone for gods sake bury the hachets. Why single any one group of people out? Or is it a way to make you think you are better than everyone else? If that is what it is ... I got news for you. That train of thought is a huge turn off for many.

I have met alot of great friends on this thread, including my current fishy!

I will see you all on other threads, luvs ya all!
 Mandrake48
Joined: 12/19/2005
Msg: 471
Is separated single?
Posted: 4/12/2006 6:43:38 AM
A lot has been shared on this point....each to their own!

I look at certain facts here:

Under the Law...separated is not considered single. There are legal consequences for your actions.
When I look at profiles that say separated, I pass them by. I don't care what the circumstances are, unless your partner is infirmed or dead!

When I separated from my ex,it took 3 months for the legal separation, and then I filed for divorce. I had the divorce in a year and a bit.

I want to see action to move forward, not words. If someone has been separated for 2 or 3 years, then I have to ask myself why. I hear a lot of excuses, but no good reasons!

I took nothing except my personal belongings when I left. The material things were not important to me.

If you are going to have a relationship with someone else, make sure you finalize the one you are in before moving on. That is only fair to a new person.
 UniquelyDifferent8133
Joined: 1/24/2006
Msg: 472
Is separated single?
Posted: 4/12/2006 2:22:43 PM
I believe that if you are married then you are married until you sign the divorce papers. If two people are separated then they are still married and there will always be that tie to that person. I want a man that is mine and not legally someone else’s. Not to mention that if I wanted to marry the guy I wouldn’t want to wait tell he divorced his current wife. It all would seem like a lot of drama and a lot of unnecessary work.
And heck if you are ready to move on with your life then be responsible and do it the right way no matter what the cost. If you can’t pay then do the divorce with out the lawyer by educating yourself on the process. Just don’t drag someone else into the mess and risk someone getting hurting.
 Nexus11
Joined: 7/15/2005
Msg: 473
view profile
History
Is separated single?
Posted: 4/12/2006 4:48:35 PM
I believe that even if you are separated, you are still married and should not be starting a relationship with somebody else. Marriage is a serious obligation. If you choose to enter into it, be prepared to abide by the moral code of marriage until you legally terminate it.
 Hi_ghBoy
Joined: 3/5/2005
Msg: 474
Is separated single?
Posted: 4/12/2006 5:16:04 PM
Single? So many issues around the same topic. I think the question is ....single enough for what?

(A) ...playing? Well apparently everyone is doing that, even the one's who have no intention of separating or divorcing. If you and they are just into playing then what's the big problem -- "say what you do, do what you say". ...just remember the terms of "all is fair" in the sandbox of the serendipity ...think about your physcial health
(B) ...living together? threesomes may be fun for some but common law being the way it is, don't be surprised if you are held financially liable for someone else with whom you are not even "involved " -- your partner cannot even always be held accountable for "say as you do, do as you say" because they are still puppets of another person, or worse yet our courts ...think about your financial health
(C) ...committing to forever? highly doubtful from an emotional standpoint. Psycholigists have often said that it takes half as long to get out of a relationship and resolve (not rationalize) the combined mistakes. Yes, each person is unique in their ability to recover, but wouldn't you prefer to have the other person see you as you instead of seeing their baggage with other people first, then you? "say what you do, do what you say" can become distorted into "as long as you don't touch my baggage that I am unwilling to talk about or negotiate" ...think about your emotional health
(D) ...getting married? Ha, even the mormons had to supress poligamy on the surface to be accepted into North American confederations. It's illegal here -- although there should be no right or wrong provided people enter into contracts with open minds and with the commitment which should be given to contracts, its still illegal ...think about freedom and acceptance in the communities where you want to live.

...where are you at and what do you want?
...where are they at and what do they want?

P.S. (D) makes the assumption that there still is a sense of community where you have chosen to live ( sorry Dr. Phil, i think the one thing exemplified in the traditional mormon communities is a strong sense of family/community ...and no, I'm not one, nor could I be, but I can respect them and admire them for their ability to commit).
 floky
Joined: 1/17/2006
Msg: 475
Is separated single?
Posted: 4/12/2006 8:23:20 PM
So what? you are still not single, you are still married until divorced.
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