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 sunshine2tan
Joined: 1/23/2006
Msg: 26
Is separated single?Page 2 of 37    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37)
bandito if you do not like the thread or it seems repetitve.....just ignore it
 smile with your eyes
Joined: 9/4/2005
Msg: 27
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/3/2006 10:05:16 PM
Shit...so if I'm getting this straight...it's a no go on separated right????
 auntie-up
Joined: 11/12/2005
Msg: 28
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Is separated single?
Posted: 3/3/2006 10:06:48 PM
Well Ruckus ... at least you two had the smarts to physically separate during your "separation". So often ... as you've read ... the two parties still share the marital home to save expenses. That's where there so much GREY area!!
 smile with your eyes
Joined: 9/4/2005
Msg: 29
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/3/2006 10:08:18 PM
And if they are NOT sharing homes...that's what? I'm confused on this one...since I left...and divorced 3 months after that...Wow I feel like a doof on this one?
 trayc91007
Joined: 12/9/2005
Msg: 30
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/3/2006 10:10:16 PM
I'm going back to what you said first, Smile, "if separated still willing to work things out" I think you were right on there.

No for me separated or not. Reasons stated above.
 smile with your eyes
Joined: 9/4/2005
Msg: 31
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/3/2006 10:11:15 PM
Thanks Trayc.....I knew I was right on this one...just needed clarification. DAMNIT! :)
 kermancutie
Joined: 10/9/2005
Msg: 32
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/3/2006 10:12:24 PM
HELL NO not if they live in the same house that is the most bizzare thing I ever heard that almost sounds like will i sleep in the middle of the bed or at the edge on your side or his
 Sienna_leigh
Joined: 2/16/2006
Msg: 33
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/3/2006 10:15:11 PM
bandito - naturally you find it shortsighted to allegedly discriminate against someone based on their marital status - but that's because you're clearly biased, and separated yourself.

Why is it discriminatory and shortsighted to have personal standards and expectations such that you've decided that you don't wish to get involved with someone who's not fully moved on with one chapter of their life before opening another one? I'd be willing to guess that the majority of us gals who won't give the time of day to a 'separated guy' have made this decision through our own personal experiences of having previously given a separated guy the time of day - only it didn't turn out well........and we personally know many others who've been in the same boat.

Or perhaps you should blame the many, many "separated" men out there who scammed us once trusting gals at one point in the past - such that we're not stupid enough to not have learned the valuable lesson.

I can't tell you how many guys I've met both through online personals and other ways - who were/are separated - and they're nothing but trouble.

-clearly not over their soon-to-be-ex
-on the rebound
-not truly separated - just taking a little "time out" from the marriage - with every intention of going back once they've had some fun
-those who claim they remain living in the marital home for a whole host of farfetched, BS reasons - but of course professing adamantly that they're not sleeping in the same bad as the wife - yeah right, and i've got a bridge to sell ya. How many cases are there where they claim to be separated but if you actually talked to their wife, she'd be quite shocked to find this to be the case - because it aint.

There are no guarantees in life or relationships but why knowingly get yourself into a situation where the odds of BS and being hurt or used are already quite high?
 auntie-up
Joined: 11/12/2005
Msg: 34
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Is separated single?
Posted: 3/3/2006 10:18:46 PM
Smile ... I'm glad you were able to make your split so final so quickly.
I have heard time and time again, of couples who decide to split ... but remain living in the marital home for sometimes several months (and even well over a year) while they work out their arrangements and financial situations. Meanwhile, they lead separate lives ... even dating. I think for the ones they are dating ... that's pretty risky, or "grey", as I put it earlier.
 sunshine2tan
Joined: 1/23/2006
Msg: 35
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/3/2006 10:22:58 PM
yes kermancutie that is exactly what it seems
 sunshine2tan
Joined: 1/23/2006
Msg: 36
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/3/2006 10:24:49 PM
sienna you are so right on the money....OK....let us hear the defense now
 smile with your eyes
Joined: 9/4/2005
Msg: 37
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/3/2006 10:28:29 PM
Auntie....it happened quickly for me cuz that's the way I wanted it. I was the primary bread winner in the household..so when the money stopped so did his desire to fight. I know though that I had a really great determination on getting things done...that's why I offer to help others in the same situation. :) Thanks for the comments though. :)
 smartsalsa
Joined: 2/26/2006
Msg: 38
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/3/2006 10:31:57 PM
To me, separation means 'limbo', which could possible go either way. Anyone seeking true closure, can get a divorce if they really want to. The best thing? Go with you gut feelings... it never lies. And in my case it says 'run like the wind, Forest!'
 Onehelluvawoman
Joined: 7/31/2005
Msg: 39
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/3/2006 10:33:27 PM
My two cents worth.....while there are many players out there....umm...the players..the ones that have issues...the ones that tell you one thing but really it's another....exist in ALL marital statuses and are non-gender specific. To discriminate against someone who is separated..because some separated people "lie" about their situation...is just narrow-minded to me.

There are some truly legitimate "separated" people out there..that aren't playing anyone...that have valid reasons for not being divorced. I have been separated for three years...I left him...and the only reason why we aren't divorced yet..is one, I was trying to help him out so he could keep the house ( he was self-employed and the bank wouldn't renew the mortgage if I took my name off the house ) ...and two...not like either one of us is walking down the aisle anytime soon....so I really could care less if we divorce this year ..next year...whenever.

If I found out someone actually pre-judged me ..just based on my marital status...a marital status I am being honest about (heck I could lie and just put divorced...as it really isnt anyone's business anyway....at least not for the first few dates..lol!)....I would be quite offended. How dare anyone judge me...just based on my marital status!!...its not only narrow-minded...its just plain petty in my opinion. While we all have a right to determine what we think is best for ourselves....if you close too many doors on what you deem as acceptable or unacceptable....then how do you really think you will find anyone. The signs of someone playing you....no matter their marital status....are always there....you just need to be open-eyed enough to see it. Sounds like an awful lot of people out there are suffering from the "Seinfeld" syndrome.....the "let's find something wrong with the person..so we don't have to commit to anyone" syndrome.

Just remember all..."it is better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all."
 Sienna_leigh
Joined: 2/16/2006
Msg: 40
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/3/2006 10:34:57 PM
Back when I was separated, I wanted to move on with my life as it was obvious my then-husband wasn't going to get his proverbial sh*t together - so I did the divorce myself. We already had a separation agreement in place, and had no kids, so it was fairly straightforward. I bought one of those do-it-yourself Divorce Guides and the Form book (you can get the same kind for doing up your own Will) and for the lost cost of about $300 in total, it was done. This is living proof that in some cases (no kids involveds, things relatively simple with respect to division of assets, etc) it doesn't have to cost a fortune to get a divorce. Some people merely use that as an excuse to still keep one foot in the door - and I can understand wanting to keep a foot in the door - if you've got a significant history with someone, many memories, and a deep hope that things hadn't turned out as they did, it's only natural to wish it might work out one day - but then you shouldn't be out there dating and looking to bring someone else into your life.
 sunshine2tan
Joined: 1/23/2006
Msg: 41
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/3/2006 10:38:32 PM
onehelluvawoman.....no prejudgment here.....it is honesty that is the best way to go
 Sienna_leigh
Joined: 2/16/2006
Msg: 42
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/3/2006 10:38:37 PM
onehelluvawoman - of course this subject gets you defensive because you're separated. And while you have your "reasons" for remaining married (to many, separated means still married -in the eyes of the law, in the eyes of God), some people out there value marriage and they don't care about reasons. We live in a day and age where people don't value marriage very much - and it's now become a lot more socially acceptable to be separated and date and get into relationships.

That being said, those who are separated shouldn't be bitter when good people pass them by due to their marital status.
 sunshine2tan
Joined: 1/23/2006
Msg: 43
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/3/2006 10:43:26 PM
I have chatted with a person who is going thru this and will IM him...lol....should be interesting
 auntie-up
Joined: 11/12/2005
Msg: 44
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Is separated single?
Posted: 3/3/2006 10:44:46 PM
Smile ... I guess it's obvious every separation must be viewed on a case by case basis. I would have considered your case more the norm, as I would expect (if it were me) that once the decision is made ... I'm outta there.

I was talking about this very issue with a group of women not long ago. Three of the seven women in the discussion stated that they remained in the marital home with their "ex" for several months (in one case over a year), while they made their "separation arrangements ... and to transition the kids through it". They all said they lived separate lives from their spouses during that time ... they stayed in separate bedrooms ... and even tried to divide up the areas of the home in some instances. They all agreed that the fact that their "ex" was still in the house with them meant nothing. As far as they were concerned, they were separated. One women admitted that both she and her "ex" dated during that time. And the others agreed that ... if someone had come along ... they would also have dated. I just wondered how common that is ... as they claimed it was quite normal. *shrugs* ...
 Onehelluvawoman
Joined: 7/31/2005
Msg: 45
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/3/2006 10:50:18 PM

onehelluvawoman - of course this subject gets you defensive because you're separated. And while you have your "reasons" for remaining married (to many, separated means still married -in the eyes of the law, in the eyes of God), some people out there value marriage and they don't care about reasons. We live in a day and age where people don't value marriage very much - and it's now become a lot more socially acceptable to be separated and date and get into relationships.

That being said, those who are separated shouldn't be bitter when good people pass them by due to their marital status.


I am not bitter at all....I do see everyone's point..honestly....my point is that to judge someone ..based on marital status alone...in my personal opinion....regardless of my marital status...is just again..narrow-minded. I was brought up in a very religious upbringing...and one thing I always remember and live my life day to day by...is "judge not lest ye be judged". To categorize, label, assume that someone that is separated..."may" have issues...or "may" be someone that is "playing" with you...is being far too judgemental in my opinion. My point also is....someone that is "single" or "divorced", may also be playing you...have issues...have doors they have not yet closed or dealt with....but your willing to take the chance on them...just because they have the right "label". Sorry ...but to me ...that's just wrong.
 sunshine2tan
Joined: 1/23/2006
Msg: 46
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/3/2006 11:01:37 PM
oh yea smartsalsa.....limbo is bad news
 Sienna_leigh
Joined: 2/16/2006
Msg: 47
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/3/2006 11:16:09 PM
Onehelluvawoman - I don't see making a personal choice not to date those who are separated as being 'judgmental' - i see it as a personal choice. I don't look down my nose at people who are separated (hey, I was once in that boat myself - though according to my personal beliefs/ethics, I didn't date until I was officially divorced), I don't think they are rotten people who don't deserve love.........for to do so, now THAT would be being judgmental. There's nothing wrong with making a personal choice as to the type of person you're looking to date or aren't interested in dating. We all have our preferences. Some aren't interested dating those who have kids, or who are shorter/taller than a certain height, or who don't enjoy travelling, or who have different religious beliefs, etc. I see choosing not to get involved with someone who's separated as no different...it's just personal preference.
 Onehelluvawoman
Joined: 7/31/2005
Msg: 48
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/3/2006 11:44:03 PM
Again...understood.. Sienna...you're right...everyone does have a choice for personal preference. My apologies, by the way...as I used your post to post my last reply...which wasnt really directed at you. While I see the "cons" to dating a "separated" person...and the personal choice issue etc....my main reason for posting at all....was to give those reading this another viewpoint...another perspective on the situation. For every person that views "separated" as "still married"....you will find another person that views it as "single". For those out their that really aren't sure which way to take it....they have this thread to look at ...and decide for themselves how to view it and formulate their own opinions. In my opinion...it is prejudging though..more then a matter of personal preference....they really arent quite the same thing in this particular situation as far as I'm concerned. I personally don't care what a persons marital status is....so long as it isnt married..lol! Cause really....who am I to say that just because someone has kids...or someone that is separated...may be a "red flag" for any number of reasons.....I'd rather say....I can look at myself in the mirror and gave someone and honest chance to prove themselves to me one way or another....let me see them for who they really are....then I will decide whether I want to date them after that. Sure, I may waste more time that way....hehe...but you know what....at least I know that I did the right thing and gave someone a chance. Personally...I treat those as I expect to be treated....and I would certainly hope that someone, despite reservations over my having a child or my marital status..or whatever the case may be....(less they find me downright hideous ..or to tall for them...lol....) that they would take the time to get to know me...to see if I really am who I present myself to be. Sometimes those you close the doors on too soon...could have bestowed more gifts on you then you could ever imagine ;)

Hehe...so Sienna...shall we call a truce and just agree to disagree?
 Hands_on
Joined: 3/1/2006
Msg: 49
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/4/2006 12:07:54 AM
Separated ?

It means you are too fkn lazy and not interested enough to save your pennies to break the ties that bind. OH YEAH baby, your just the person I am looking for, carrying your train-load of old baggage.

NO THANKS ! There are enough challenges in life and happier places to expend my energies.


Should I rewrite this to sound politically correct and nice ?

I would rather not date a 'separated' person, as they have not found it important enough to break the final tie to an ex. When people are truely motivated to make a change in their life, they will find a way. Legally, this becomes a problem for a person who is contemplating a long term relationship, possibly marriage.
 Kelleyisnice
Joined: 1/5/2006
Msg: 50
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/4/2006 12:15:10 AM
Would you wish to involve yourself with someone not legally divorced?

No!!! That was an easy question to answer.

If a guy has been married, I will not involve myself with him. If he has children, I will not involve myself with. I don't need to because a single young man, without children, that has never been married is a far better choice for me. However, I cannot speak for other women because what is best for me may not be best for them.
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