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 sensual14u
Joined: 5/14/2005
Msg: 76
Is separated single?Page 2 of 37    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37)
I have had such a problem with this. It seems all I meet are still legally married men. In the two years that I have been dating again, I honestly cannot tell you how many "separated" men I have dealt with. They all have a different excuse as to why they are not divorced. It has really turned me off to dating again. I view men so much differently now. But then nobody knows what I have been through on all of these dating sites I have been on. I do know this.... If you are on a high quality site that is pretty expensive for a monthly membership, all the hummm....separated men suddenly dissapear. Thanks for listening.
 Bandito
Joined: 11/9/2005
Msg: 79
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/4/2006 8:18:59 AM
my decision to have nothing to do with separated men (which many women also subscribe to) is only PARTLY due to the fact that many out there are lying swine who claim they're separated when in fact they're not - Sienna_leigh


There are an equal number of people in the same category claiming to be single or divorced, yet you are not worried about them. Just seems to me what you are saying is seperated men == lying scum, to me that is judgemental.


The point is, I deserve someone whose attention is on our relationship, not someone who's preoccupied with his past - Sienna_leigh


This was by the most intelligent thing you have said so far. Unfortunately people (seperate, divorced, exiting a long term non marital relationship) are never free from the past, specially if there are kids involved. The closer you are from exiting that relationship the less free you are to walk away from your past. Its not about baggage, but it is very much about someone's ability to give you their 100%...we just disagree that a person's legal status is a fair representation of that.

For me, I can't give that 100% not because I am not emotional free to do so but because I have made choices for my children to come first....at least for now. So I don't date...I would not ask you or anyone else that has "dating" or "long term" as their sought after relationship out so rest assured you are safe. However, other people...men and women alike, have different stories...have made different choices. To close the door in their faces before really knowing who they are just because they where the label "seperated" seems cold and careless but you are allowed to be who you are...that is your right.

Bandito
 cojo4
Joined: 1/10/2006
Msg: 80
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/4/2006 8:26:37 AM
No if your looking for a long term relationship...stay away from separated people...ive been hurt that way more then once
 Bandito
Joined: 11/9/2005
Msg: 82
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/4/2006 9:36:34 AM
^^^Sheesh...I would be horrified if someone thought my kids were baggage because they are not.

I agree with you that angry and spiteful former partners can do a lot to sabotage a relationship...again, they don't have to be legally former spouses. Technically and legally, a ex-spouse has some control...and btw that control doesn't end when the final divorce decree is granted. They can always take you back to court forever after...so being diovorced doesn't mean the end to your definition oif "baggage".

Just be careful what you do define as "baggage" there are many people here that are way more sensitive and might take offence. I am all for freedom of opinion regardless if I agree with you or not.

Bandito
 cojo4
Joined: 1/10/2006
Msg: 83
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/4/2006 9:43:51 AM
i hate that term baggage...its so cold....gessh
 jumpypants
Joined: 2/20/2006
Msg: 89
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/4/2006 11:04:47 AM
I think it depends on who left who.

The leaver (usually) left mentally long before they actually left. Probably a safer bet.

The leavee will be more unstable, and typically will want to dive into another intense, but short lived relationship - but he/she will think and talk long term, and then one day it will just be over. A generality, but one that is quite often true.
 RockDotChic
Joined: 3/1/2006
Msg: 98
view profile
History
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/4/2006 1:28:05 PM
Wow, what a great topic, and some really wonderful insights on this from varied opinions. First, I am not going to pass any judgements on anyone for what they do or believe...it is all personal preference, and unless you have actually "walked in a person's shoes" you cannot completely relate to their experience. With that said....

I am separated for over 3 years, and no, not yet divorced. Sienna, I as a "separated" person do not disagree entirely with your views of dating peope who are not yet divorced, in fact, you do have some very valid points. It is enlightening to hear some of the opinions of people who are opposed to dating non divorced separated people, as I sit on the opposite side of the fence currently. I can however, for obvious reasons, relate my experiences much more to the posters on this topic who are on the same side of the fence as myself. And especially those with children involved, as I have 3. (17,13,9)

My children's happiness, mental stability, emotional development, and security are of primary importance. I am college educated, career driven, but while married I made the choice to be with my children as much as possible to ensure a solid foundation for their upbringing. (Which has it's pay-offs, they are all A students, and involved in several activities) I believe in a "no regrets" way of living. You are in control of your own destiny, you cannot change the past, only learn from it, so make solid choices. I want to be able to look back with no regrets, and say "I did the best I could do".

My ex and I are amicable, we equally share all the responsibilities of raising our children. He is a wonderful father and a great friend. We will NOT reconcile. We CHOOSE not to be a married couple. This is a very well thought out choice, as I stated before, the needs of my children are primary, and of course, most children want their parents to stay together, but we decided over 3 years ago, separation leading to divorce was our decision. A very serious one, that will not change.

For the first 2 years, I moved out of the house we own together, with my children. We went from a 2 parent family household with a "leave it to beaver" atmosphere, to a single mom raising kids, with visitations (daily) from dad. We did our best to make this transition as easy as possible for the kids, to maintain their stability. Keeping them in the same schools, where they had been since day one. It was a little hard, but we managed.

After 2 years....about 10 months ago, I began dating a man whom I had known for 2-3 years. When things were going in a positive direction between us, He wanted us to live with him, so we moved into his home (Just north of mine). My ex and I had already at that point discussed and initiated our divorce (papers) and decided to sell our home, and our plan was to buy separate houses near each other north of where we were (just one city north, but new school district, which we felt was better, due to more academic opportunities, and sports, which our kids are very involved in, AND also the school district I had went to). Although uncontested, our divorce will be complex as many are, due to the fact we have several financial ties (time share, home, property, etc) which has always been a dreaded reality, just because it requires so much thought lol. Our "banking and bunking" have been separate since the day we separated however!

So, new boyfriend, new home, new schools, a direction for a new life. MY House for sale on the market (new boyfriend is a realtor and custom home builder), I begin studying for my real estate course (which would allow me a very flexible schedule, to ensure my kids needs are still met), excited things are going well, the kids have adapted, and are happy, they still spend about half their time with their dad, etc. Boyfriend puts his house on the market, with plans to build another for us.
To make a long story short...things go bad (that is an understatement) in mine and my boyfriend's "relationship", so for the stability of my kids, I move them back to what is a familiar and safe, secure home...MINE. Yes, my ex is now my "room-mate", and this is a choice I HAD to make (albeit hard) for the best of all parties involved.

Our divorce is not finalized, we live "SEPARATELY" in the same household, it is easy coordinating the kid's schedules, and until I am established in my new career (I finished my real estate course with 93% overall), I am not prepared to embark on moving my kids yet another time (I now have to commute them to school 4 times per day 30 minutes each way for the past 4 months, but I WILL NOT create instability in their lives by transferring their school again, so it is necessary I drive them). They are very well adjusted due to our efforts in keeping things secure.

My ex and I share expenses (I do have my own income besides real estate), he provides healthcare through his employer. This is not our "ideal" way of doing things, but it works for now.
My house had offers, but I took it off the market recently (partly because the now "EX" boyfriend was our realtor, and decided I would relist my home myself when I obtained my license, which I plan to do in the next couple months).
Some people may judge this, or not understand, but the people in my life who KNOW us commend us for our situation. My ex and I are supportive of the other one, dating people. We even ask "What did you do last night?" or "How was your date?" We coordinate our schedules to accomodate not just ourselves, but each other and the kids. We are no more than room-mates who just happen to have children in common. And we have such separate lives, we do not really even see one another very often for living in the "same" household.

Much of this may not have alot to do with the original post, but I have not yet run into anyone who refused to date me because I am not yet legally divorced. Although I completely respect a person's own reasons for making that choice if it ever happens. I do understand people's unwillingness to try to comprehend a non-traditional or "abNormal" situation such as mine, but as I said initially..."Until you walked in someone's shoes" A VERY important life lesson for me which I truly did not consider until I could relate having been there.
I now, place very careful thought before I make an opinion of what someone else's choices are, because there are always reasons behind their actions. Even if I don't agree with them, they ARE their own.
My Marriage was OVER 3 years ago. From it, I gained a wonderful friend, great father to my children, an appreciation of stability, and a desire to be in REAL love, with a life partner I want to share my life with romantically and indefinitely. I have no "baggage", I am emotionally stable, I have already "Moved on", and look forward to a happy life ahead, with OR without a significant other. I am in no rush to get married again (I guess, as someone else in this forum mentioned, another reason the "Divorce paper" was not all that important for the past 3 years).

My Plan? Keep the kids stable, keep my bills current, get my real estate license/clientelle, list my house for sale by May (Closer to end of school yr, as it will sell quickly), get my divorce finalized, split properties/equities, buy a house north of here so the kids are in the school district they began this year, make the most of all situations and be happy :o) Ex husband will be buying one fairly close as well, to enable the kids to be with him as much as they would like to, and make ALL of our lives much easier. I guess I learned a wonderful example from my divorced parents who remained friends, even with each of their new partners! They often hung out together even.

I feel fortunate we (my Ex and I) do have an amicable relationship, as several years ago, I was a single mother (with my first child), divorced, going to college full time, struggling to take care of my son, working 2 jobs, etc. It was NOT easy. I had no help, I did it myself.

I would date someone who was separated, and not divorced. But with each individual situation, you need to analyze all aspects of it, to decide if it is the right situation for you, or one that you want to deal with.
 Alwaysmischief
Joined: 2/26/2006
Msg: 99
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/4/2006 1:40:30 PM

I'm seperated. Not legally divorced.. We kind of went our seperate ways years and years ago and haven't even talked to him in 8 years.. But I'm not legally divorced. Does that mean I am not able (emotionally and mentally) to embark on a new relationship? No, it just means I'm too damn cheap to pay a crook, errr.. I mean lawyer.. for the paperwork! lol


Seperated ISN'T single.

There is a book available in all states titled "Doing Your Own Divorce in (state name)" it is a fairly straightforeawd process that you don'r really need a lawyer for unless there are complicated property issues.
 RockDotChic
Joined: 3/1/2006
Msg: 100
view profile
History
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/4/2006 1:48:13 PM
To me, "Single" In the literal sense of the term implies "Never married". Divorced means it is finalized on paper. Separated can mean many things.

On my profile, I chose "Dating" because I am not single or divorced technically. If anyone asks me my situation I am always up front.

"We have been separated for over 3 years, but it is not yet finalized through the courts"
I need a nap lol
 Bandito
Joined: 11/9/2005
Msg: 101
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/4/2006 1:56:40 PM
onehelluvawoman thank you for your support

At least you understood that my point is that it is wrong to blindly label and judge people just because of a marital transitional status. There are people that choose to do this and that is their right however, that doesn't make their behavior right either. Racist and bigots follow the same argument in defending their right to discriminate based on colour, race, sex and sexual preference. There is no winning the argument.

I would be the last one to say a seperated person is single, I wouldn't even say that for someone that is divorced. In fact once you marry, in terms of the law, you never go back being single again....kind of like being a virgin, you can only be it once.

I only am here to make a point trying to get people to be compassionate, understanding and tolerent of other peoples life situations be it if they were married/seperated. abled/disabled, heavy/thin, gay/bi/straight, rich/poor...etc. Seems that some people in their haste to remove themselves of past ghosts sometimes forget where the real deamons are. Thats a real shame.

Bandito
 RockDotChic
Joined: 3/1/2006
Msg: 104
view profile
History
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/4/2006 4:00:55 PM
Hi Sienna~

No I don't think it is necessary to disclose ALL personal information to a public dating site. If anyone would like to take the time to ask, I am always happy to explain my circumstances or position with COMPLETE honesty. I do not include info in my profile about many areas of my life, as I feel my business is my own. If there is a contact initiated that I feel is worth replying to, I am more than happy and willing to elaborate on any areas of "Concern".

The facts are..."Dating" is completely accurate to my situation. There is no dishonesty in that category. It does not imply my marital status in any way.

I am on another dating site as well, and "Dating" was not a written option, so of course I used "Separated." And as I mentioned in my prior post, I have never corresponded with a single man who has an issue with that. Perhaps that is paritally due to my candid honesty about my situation.

I do however, feel it is innapropriate to disclose a plethora of personal information on a dating profile to millions of people. Keeping things somewhat vague initially works best for me. I also never include details about my children or other personal aspects of my life.

I, and all who are aquainted with me would consider myself one of the most honest people they know. I feel it is more fair on a topic that is apparently quite controversial to have an opportunity to explain a variance from the "Norm" than simply have people preconceive their own ideas. Yes, I am separated, I do not consider myself "Single" in the sense I HAVE been married. I am in the process of a divorce, therefore, I am "Dating." After over 3 years of being OUT of a marriage bond, it goes beyond separated....it is OVER :o)

Take care~
 mommyf25
Joined: 3/2/2006
Msg: 105
view profile
History
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/4/2006 4:35:57 PM
NO WAY!!
I WOULD NOT DATE A GUY THAT WAS STILL MARRIED.
BUT THATS JUST ME
 smile with your eyes
Joined: 9/4/2005
Msg: 106
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/4/2006 5:56:10 PM
Ok not to be a thorn in the ass of this thread...but here's a question to those of you still married...but living apart.

Let's say for arguments sake..your ex..in a fit of insanity goes in to deep financial debt..and walks outside one day only to be hit by a bus. Who, may I ask, do you think is going to be stuck with that debt? YOU ARE! Come on. You are doing this for admirable reasons..sure..however..there will come a time when you or they die..and you will have no way to fix what they have done...god forbid they do something wrong.

Now before you say...But so and so would never do that...save it...I just want to know what you would do IF it happened? Ok...carry on.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 3/2/2005
Msg: 107
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/4/2006 6:21:05 PM
Separated even legally separated is it's own status. And it's not single, I don't know how the laws are outside the States, if I'm wrong on that point, fine. I was separated for a year and a half and I considered myself married, even though we lived hundreds of miles apart. It's just my own personal preference that I never dated anyone separated. There are cases like bandito's and others that are a bit different. As I understand Canadian law, and I don't know it WELL, but I believe the length of their divorce process is much longer than the States. And bandito IS a good friend and an exception in many ways. If I had a suitable friend, I'd wouldn't hesitate to introduce them. Of course MOST of my friends live in the States. Back to topic, it's all about preferences again and what you're comfortable with. At the same time, it helps to be somewhat open minded to a situation that could be different. Being rigid about things only limits your opportunities.
 worstguyonhere
Joined: 6/11/2005
Msg: 109
Is separated single? Room for an argument????
Posted: 3/4/2006 6:44:25 PM
M: Ah. I'd like to have an argument, please.
R: Certainly sir. Have you been here before?
M: No, I haven't, this is my first time.
R: I see. Well, do you want to have just one argument, or were you thinking of taking a course?
M: Well, what is the cost?
R: Well, It's one pound for a five minute argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten.
M: Well, I think it would be best if I perhaps started off with just the one and then see how it goes.
R: Fine. Well, I'll see who's free at the moment.
Pause
R: Mr. DeBakey's free, but he's a little bit conciliatory.
Ahh yes, Try Mr. Barnard; room 12.
M: Thank you.

(Walks down the hall. Opens door.)

Q: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
M: Well, I was told outside that...
Q: Don't give me that, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!
M: What?
Q: Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type really makes me puke, you vacuous, coffee-nosed, maloderous, pervert!!!
M: Look, I CAME HERE FOR AN ARGUMENT, I'm not going to just stand...!!
Q: OH, oh I'm sorry, but this is abuse.
M: Oh, I see, well, that explains it.
Q: Ah yes, you want room 12A, Just along the corridor.
M: Oh, Thank you very much. Sorry.
Q: Not at all.
M: Thank You.
(Under his breath) Stupid git!!

(Walk down the corridor)
M: (Knock)
A: Come in.
M: Ah, Is this the right room for an argument?
A: I told you once.
M: No you haven't.
A: Yes I have.
M: When?
A: Just now.
M: No you didn't.
A: Yes I did.
M: You didn't
A: I did!
M: You didn't!
A: I'm telling you I did!
M: You did not!!
A: Oh, I'm sorry, just one moment. Is this a five minute argument or the full half hour?
M: Oh, just the five minutes.
A: Ah, thank you. Anyway, I did.
M: You most certainly did not.
A: Look, let's get this thing clear; I quite definitely told you.
M: No you did not.
A: Yes I did.
M: No you didn't.
A: Yes I did.
M: No you didn't.
A: Yes I did.
M: No you didn't.
A: Yes I did.
M: You didn't.
A: Did.
M: Oh look, this isn't an argument.
A: Yes it is.
M: No it isn't. It's just contradiction.
A: No it isn't.
M: It is!
A: It is not.
M: Look, you just contradicted me.
A: I did not.
M: Oh you did!!
A: No, no, no.
M: You did just then.
A: Nonsense!
M: Oh, this is futile!
A: No it isn't.
M: I came here for a good argument.
A: No you didn't; no, you came here for an argument.
M: An argument isn't just contradiction.
A: It can be.
M: No it can't. An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition.
A: No it isn't.
M: Yes it is! It's not just contradiction.
A: Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position.
M: Yes, but that's not just saying 'No it isn't.'
A: Yes it is!
M: No it isn't!

A: Yes it is!
M: Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of any statement the other person makes.
(short pause)
A: No it isn't.
M: It is.
A: Not at all.
M: Now look.
A: (Rings bell) Good Morning.
M: What?
A: That's it. Good morning.
M: I was just getting interested.
A: Sorry, the five minutes is up.
M: That was never five minutes!
A: I'm afraid it was.
M: It wasn't.
Pause
A: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue anymore.
M: What?!
A: If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes.
M: Yes, but that was never five minutes, just now. Oh come on!
A: (Hums)
M: Look, this is ridiculous.
A: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid!
M: Oh, all right.
(pays money)
A: Thank you.
short pause
M: Well?
A: Well what?
M: That wasn't really five minutes, just now.
A: I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid.
M: I just paid!
A: No you didn't.
M: I DID!
A: No you didn't.
M: Look, I don't want to argue about that.
A: Well, you didn't pay.
M: Aha. If I didn't pay, why are you arguing? I Got you!
A: No you haven't.
M: Yes I have. If you're arguing, I must have paid.
A: Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.
M: Oh I've had enough of this.
A: No you haven't.
M: Oh Shut up.
 Bandito
Joined: 11/9/2005
Msg: 113
Is separated single? Room for an argument????
Posted: 3/4/2006 7:26:44 PM
awww@bucsgirl, what a wonderful thing to say Canadian law is that you must be seperated 1 year before filing for divorce. A uncontested divorce takes about 3 months to process so all in total I have another 6 months to go before the final divorce decree is granted.

I am legally seperated from my ex. That means I am no longer responsible for any debt that my former wife creates after the date of the legal seperation. Of course I am still on the hook for any debt prior to this and fortunately there is none to worry about.

 bucsgirl
Joined: 3/2/2005
Msg: 115
Is separated single? Room for an argument????
Posted: 3/4/2006 7:36:14 PM
bandito My good friend, you are an exception in so many ways. And God bless the lucky woman that you find who is your match and is worthy of you.
Florida law is different. No required time of separation, we had one hearing in the judge's chambers, a final decree of dissolution. Whole process less than 4 months. From his first letter, me filing...and with 4 children no less. If I remember correctly the hearing was done and over in 45 minutes.
 Le Roi
Joined: 11/19/2005
Msg: 118
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/5/2006 12:09:29 AM

Would you wish to involve yourself with someone not legally divorced? Whether they may be emotionally or physically apart or living in the "other" room or "basement" to spare the children or to save expenses.....Viewpoints welcome...........


Not if they live under the same roof. I found myself in that position once. I really liked the girl too! But when I found out that she was still living under the same roof (albet different bedrooms), it didn't matter that her husband had a girlfriend, I broke it off before it went any further.
 Marvelicious
Joined: 9/25/2005
Msg: 119
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/5/2006 5:30:19 AM
I don't want to involve myself with someone who is only separated. They need to be ready to move on. . . need the paperwork!
 LunaLover
Joined: 2/24/2006
Msg: 120
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/5/2006 7:31:09 AM

I expressed my opinion on the matter and why I felt the way I did

Sienna, I thought your posts to be insightful and intelligent. I didn't see them as being judgemental, just expressing opinions that I'm sure that many would share. I know I do!
Luna
 Bdamnman
Joined: 12/16/2005
Msg: 121
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/5/2006 7:34:49 AM
Well, honestly, despite what everyone has said, each specific situation is different. I for one was separated and very over her and ready to move on. She had to stay in my house for a while to get her stuff together, but she slept in a different room and we no longer left the door open while taking a shower or any of that! :D

But.... I feel for you ladies out there because there are some guys who just want to cheat and that is the excuse they use. Bad part is that it is up to you to figure out the truth of it all. You may have to take off the love goggles and think it through logically for a minute.

If you can do it (not everyone can), then you should be able to figure out the posers and the real situations.
 Bdamnman
Joined: 12/16/2005
Msg: 123
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/5/2006 12:22:19 PM
There was no way on earth I would have went back with my ex. I don't care what she could have done, there was no way...

The question is... what are the secret thoughts of the person you are dating who says they are separated, and will you know them?????

I think one person can tell you they are separated and they are good to go for a new relationship, and another one isn't. Only they know... and they may be in denial.
 dimples196754481
Joined: 1/21/2006
Msg: 124
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/5/2006 1:49:32 PM
I think every case is different. I am seperated, and not divorced and I consider myself single. I have been seperated since 2000. The only reason I amnot divorced is because the to be x won't help pay for the divorce. I live on my own and it is tough enough without trying to add another darn bill, altho i am working on finding someone cheap. We live in different towns and even before we actually seperated I lived by myselfr and when we did live together we had seperate bedrooms for almost 2 years. I have already had a 3 year live in boyfriend. So I am sooo single inmy eyes.
 prolibertate
Joined: 9/11/2005
Msg: 126
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/5/2006 6:43:58 PM

Would you wish to involve yourself with someone not legally divorced? Whether they may be emotionally or physically apart or living in the "other" room or "basement" to spare the children or to save expenses


IMO, separated means they physically live apart and the divorce papers are filed; it also means they have dated others before me, as rebound relationships aren't any fun. I personally wouldn't date someone who was still living in the same home; there are other ways to save expenses. I also wouldn't date a separated - or divorced - person unless they had been apart from their spouse for a while and had dated several others before me. Sure, there's always the chance that the separated people could get back together, but that's not a given. There's also the chance that they could meet someone else while they're with you; nothing is ever certain. But I believe that one has to look at the overall situation before they make their decision about whether or not to get involved.
 prolibertate
Joined: 9/11/2005
Msg: 128
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/5/2006 7:00:50 PM
cusema, I know how you feel...but when we get past our 30s we all have baggage of some kind; it's how we handle that baggage that makes the difference. Some people let it influence every decision they make, while others learn from it, realize what they do and don't want in their own life, and go on form there. Though that doesn't mean we don't make anymore mistakes ;)

I really believe that if we each figure out what we do and don't want in our own lives, it's easier to find someone who has done the same. If we don't know what's important to our self, we can't expect to find someone to make a good relationship with; it's like that old saying about how one has to be happy with them self before they can be happy with someone else.
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