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 Reddwine
Joined: 4/15/2006
Msg: 626
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Is separated single?Page 26 of 37    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37)
The definition of separated to me, is this: to cease to live together as a married couple or to go in different directions until divorced.

Why would I want to invest my heart into something that might or might not happen. They are not divorced. Losing my heart to someone like that, would make me kick my own butt.
 Reddwine
Joined: 4/15/2006
Msg: 627
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Is separated single?
Posted: 5/7/2006 3:18:52 PM
one word:
prenuptial
 Feeniks
Joined: 1/16/2006
Msg: 628
Is separated single?
Posted: 5/8/2006 11:21:29 AM

From the responses, those who are separated say separated is single, and those who are divorced and widowed say that separated isn't single. Amazing that once people have taken the time to heel, and got the divorce, then most of them realize that separated isn't single and won't date separated people.


I don't think the sample is sufficiently unbiased to mean much. Most people on PoF never read the forums, let alone post to them. And, of course, most people here are still single (by my definition). As I've pointed out before, those who have successfully found a new love are cuddling on the couch or out bowling, not sitting here participating in the discussion. The survey I posted earlier indicated that those who are out of a relationship for more than a year comprise 13% of their sample group, which was, I think, a more valid sample.

Of those posting here, these are all people who have decided on their own that they are ready to date. That may include those who are recently separated. Some of those may be a flash in the pan here. I wonder what the turn-over rate is? I've seen so many post a profile then disappear. Are they successful? Or disillusioned? I hope to be such a flash. I like the idea of having a significant other.

When I first left my parents house, I lived alone for ten years. I thought a room-mate was too disruptive (arguing over who pays for what, who does what task, etc.). For financial reasons, I had to give that up, very reluctantly, when I was in my late twenties.. I quickly came to realize that the aggravations were more than balanced by the infusion of new ideas and companionship and so on. I found vitality in the randomness of having someone else in the house. Being alone, I always knew where the remote control was, because I was the one who put it there. A roommate would sometimes misplace things, but it broke the boredom.

I think that those who have been out of a relationship for some years, whether labelled 'divorced' or 'separated', have become comfortable with being alone and do not want the disruption in their lives of dealing with someone else. As I was with the thought of roommates all those years ago. I'll be mostly searching in the group that hasn't given up on the concept of being in a relationship nor been out of one so long as to be set in their ways. Whether divorced or separated, if you haven't found someone else in five or ten years, I don't think I'll waste my time seeing if I can fit the bill. I'll be looking for someone easier to please or more willing to do what it takes to be in a relationship. I still remember the art of compromise.
 jcurtis54
Joined: 12/3/2005
Msg: 629
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Is separated single?
Posted: 5/8/2006 12:34:17 PM
NO it is not single...I dont want to think about ,let alone date a separated Man. And at a time like that in any ones life,is so hard!!!This is the last place that you would think they would be involved in.I have LOVE for the separated dont get me wrong!! I just hope they take care there life first..and come back in a couple years!!LOL
 Cowtown Cowboy
Joined: 4/3/2006
Msg: 630
Is separated single?
Posted: 5/8/2006 1:32:40 PM
Ok then...being that a vast majority of people are saying separated isn't single...I have a question.

I was engaged, and the engagement was broken off so that my fiance could go to Vegas to marry some guy she hardly knows(she leaves in June to do this)...since we were only common law and are not living together anymore...and OBVIOUSLY the relationship is over...amd I classified as separated or single?
 allh2h
Joined: 3/23/2006
Msg: 631
Is separated single?
Posted: 5/8/2006 1:56:57 PM
I do not know how common law works, if there isn't a need for a divorce with that then I'd say single.
 smile14
Joined: 4/26/2006
Msg: 632
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Is separated single?
Posted: 5/8/2006 2:56:53 PM
Yes, you are right, but there are to many different situations. My husband left a year ago and he was living with other woman two weeks after. I still separated but not divorce. The Florida law say "No fault state" and 50% division of any marital things. Yes I will like some advise from you because I don't think that my lawyer is doing much of anything. We are having a pre-hearing with the judge on June 2 and I will like to know a little about what can I do and also what can I say. One more thing, my ex to be is only thinking in money, money, money, not about our son or 17 years of marriage. Would you advise me please?
 alaiyo2
Joined: 5/4/2006
Msg: 633
Is separated single?
Posted: 5/9/2006 9:55:55 PM
I think that separated can mean much the same thing as single, but that it doesn't always. If someone is "trying out" being without their partner, that could be a very legitimate red flag. But in my case, for example, the legal status is just a formality we have to finish. Not a fear of really closing the door on the ex-relationship. If you see someone being honest enough to say they are separated, ask them about it. If they tell you that they share a house with their "spouse" and are planning at some point to move on, proceed with caution. If they say, "My ex lives in another province and we have no interest in having anything to do with each other, even after all this time," you can be pretty safe in treating this person like a "single".

~~~~Alaiyo
 rainieday
Joined: 5/3/2004
Msg: 634
Is separated single?
Posted: 5/10/2006 5:41:55 AM
It really depends on the person and the situation. I am divorced but when in VA we had to be separated for a year before the divorce was final. I don't feel it is right that a person must put their life on hold and not see other people for that long, if it's over it's over. But there are some cases where a couple may be separated but to them it may meen taking some time apart and dating to see if they missed out on something more. I don't think I would date someone who has only been separated for a very short time because there are still very strong feelings that can not go away overnight and takes some time. I don't think I started dating again until about 5months into the separation because I didn't feel it was fair to someone else to go out with them if I wasn't really ready emotionally even though I knew there was no chance of me and my ex getting back together. I think that in most cases that is safe to say a person is as good as being single when they are separated.
 jackie13
Joined: 5/10/2006
Msg: 635
Is separated single?
Posted: 5/11/2006 11:13:37 AM
I think I would tell her to blow it out her a s s
 DEMI DISH
Joined: 1/15/2006
Msg: 636
Is separated single?
Posted: 5/13/2006 12:22:22 PM
Hi all. My ex-husband was a good man to marry and a good man to divorce. No time wasted either way. I moved out 6 months after the decision and moved 4 hours drive away. We filed exactly the 1 year later. He bought me out, he's raising the kids and I visit bi-weekly. I wish him well career and relationship wise (he is "free" in my mind) and although jilted, I think in time he has come to see that I didn't want to leave, the relationship was not working and it was better to move on now than later.

We have an excellent working relationship with the kids as we did before although a few emotional things between us, but nothing we can't get over. I intend to preserve an excellent relationship with him/kids until someone else is serious in my life; it's self-respect.

I'm sorry for people experiences on here. I had a boyfriend 2 months after moving out. He never questioned my "separated" status (legal status) at all and I would have hated him to judge me based on that.

Every situation is different. Men may be more dishonest in general about stuff anyway so I guess on the status of "availability" also.

If you've been married/kids, you know it is more complicated and I do understand women who hesitate to get involved until the divorce is final. But I thank the dear lord that my boyfriend didn't hesitate, or I would never have made it through the divorce period.

I have been lucky and good luck to all who are less so.
 sunshine2tan
Joined: 1/23/2006
Msg: 637
Is separated single?
Posted: 5/13/2006 3:01:26 PM
just a thought.....and I am the OP.....usually the kids of a marriage are legally awarded to the Mom...and the odd occasion the Dad....but....does that make a difference of feeling separated pending a divorce?
 TruckerLuv34
Joined: 5/12/2006
Msg: 638
Is separated single?
Posted: 5/13/2006 3:42:28 PM
Well I don't have the time to go through all 23 pages as I will probably lose my signal here in these mountains. However, I have read a few and see alot of varying opinions. I will save my own as they have been expressed already.

However I will ask a favor.


Ladies, I am the last one to admit that marraiges (spelling?) fail. I hated to see mine go after 10 years. Do I have feelings about it? Yes of course. Does it stop me from wanting to move on? Not at all.

I have emailed a few nice ladies I felt would be a nice challenge for me. A few came back (rather brutally for a few) with the fact that I was either a truck driver, or seperated, or both in a few of them.

Don't label us guys in one lump sum. Look at each scenario first. There are guys like me that want to find a new lady to share his time and feelings with. The guy to be there and help fix the house, or play with the kids. Whatever the case may be.

I am trying like hell to be single again and do it right. I haven't had to date in almost 12 years. I have no damn clue what to say, when to say it, or what to do.

For me, it's the financial end. Everywhere we looked, it was upwards of 3 grand to get a divorce. Even with my income that is more than we can do. Trish and I seperated on good terms, so there is no hostility there. One lady on here told me on the phone how to get a divorce uncontested so it's cheaper. Now with that info, I may be divorced within the next 4 weeks. But still, please, look at each person's case before labeling him.


.............you might just miss out on the very same guy you have been looking for.
 valhallaguy
Joined: 2/13/2006
Msg: 639
Is separated single?
Posted: 5/13/2006 8:30:47 PM
I agree with Truckerluv34. "Don't label us guys in one lump sum"
I am separated, And yes I love my wife - I always will. I spent 10 + yrs working on that relationship. She was my best friend and is the mother of my beautiful daughter.

But things change.

I agree with the "emotional separation" as the final line in whether someone is single or not.
Am I lonely? yes
lonely enough to go back to the situation I left? no
Am I dating? no
Am I still human and need companionship? Damned rights!
Do I deserve it? yes

Ultimately it comes down to the person your dealing with and are they truly in touch with themselves.
Are they interested in friends or dates?

Friends in my case.
Unfortunately POF set up is such that looking for friends still dictates only women
 Feeniks
Joined: 1/16/2006
Msg: 640
Is separated single?
Posted: 5/14/2006 1:50:09 AM
@Sunshine. I don't understand the question. I have the kids, in my case. Having my ex sleep in a separate bedroom for a couple of years may have helped the kids understand what was happening, so that they were fine with my dating the weekend after Mom left town. Maybe if they'd had to go with Mom, they'd be pissed off that I wasn't trying to win her back or something. But the kids make no difference to the feeling of the relationship being finished. Although they were, as previously mentioned, the reason that it wasn't ended long ago.
 Feeniks
Joined: 1/16/2006
Msg: 641
Is separated single?
Posted: 5/15/2006 12:59:15 PM
just a thought.....and I am the OP.....usually the kids of a marriage are legally awarded to the Mom...and the odd occasion the Dad....but....does that make a difference of feeling separated pending a divorce?


Still wrestling with the question about the kids. Its a bit off-topic, but maybe related in this manner: I would think that the non-custodial parent might have a greater interest in trying to salvage the marriage as that person would be the loneliest of the two and have his or her life most changed. So a divorce would close the door more effectively on that person's hopes or expectations and so make them more ready to move on.

That's all pretty hypothetical and limited. My ex and I did a four month split three years ago and she came back out of loneliness for the kids. For me now (for both of us, I think) the fact that we've tried to reconcile and have split again puts 'paid' to the relationship. But my lifestyle is totally unchanged now except for a few issues of transportation for the kids and such. And my abillity to start dating, of course.

I'm probably not dong much for my marketing with this one, probably looking insensitive, but I just don't see the deal with childless couples who decide their relationship isn't working. It was good for a while, now its not, can't be fixed, goodbye. Without kids as the glue to hold a family together, for better or worse, where's the trauma? I mean: once the finances are agreed upon, you never have to meet again. Its over. Much different with kids. There is an on-going relationship that lasts a lifetime.

As to the question regarding "feeling separated", I have a fear of the ex's car being in the driveway someday because she's lonely for the kids. But I have a co-worker who has just ended a ten year living apart relationship that began back in high-school and he's always worried, sometimes for cause, that his ex will show up at his door because she misses him. That's not something I have to worry about. LOL.
 sunshine2tan
Joined: 1/23/2006
Msg: 642
Is separated single?
Posted: 5/15/2006 7:10:21 PM
the reason behind me asking the question is.....no matter I guess who has custody or the kids....I did....my ex never ever wanted to have them visit...I had them with me 24/7 365 days a year for a few years. So, I did not feel single as I had my hands full with a relocation, looking for work, and doing everything I could to make the adjustment for the kids easier. So, I am thinking that it might be easier for the non custodial parent to feel "single" because the house is quiet and alot of time is their own to decide on what to do, who to see and who to have over. Does, that clarify where I was coming from with the question?
 Feeniks
Joined: 1/16/2006
Msg: 643
Is separated single?
Posted: 5/15/2006 10:29:31 PM
That's funny. I came at it from the exact opposite direction. Depends on the age of the kids, for one thing. I see your point. Whether the non-custodial parent left or was sent away probably also would be an issue. I'd think if you were told to leave, you might hope to earn your way back. If you left and left the kids behind, I guess that's party time for some. Not all.

I've read profiles of women that say that they've been alone for years, raising the kids, and now that the kids are on their own, they're ready to start dating. I find that odd, no disrespect intended. I just find a nice continuity in the household with my social life now switched from Friday nights with my buddies to Friday nights with a date. A nice smooth transition.
 dee-licious trouble
Joined: 4/26/2006
Msg: 644
Is separated single?
Posted: 5/16/2006 5:45:32 PM
it totally blows my mind to see how narrow-minded people are in this day and age. just black and white...no looking at what the situation behind the separation is, not looking at a person because they are separated. i can tell you right now. i have only been separated for one month, but that's just separate HOUSES. he had been sleeping on the couch for 5 months prior to that. (which here in bc, constitutes separation) as long as you are living plutonically under the same roof, for the sake for the sake of the kids, it counts as separation. HOWEVER, you must somehow PROVE this, which is what our problem right now is. even if we both SAY that is the case, they want a sworn affidavit from a counsellor or a doctor or a priest stating this. so, our separation starts "legally" one month ago. the laws suck here, the justice system is ass-backwards, but whatevs...it's life, and it's how we have to live it. but please don't JUDGE us for it...i know in MY heart and mind, there is no chance for reconciliation EVER, due to distrust and infidelities and overall lack of love. i just want to move on with my life...
*~dee~*
 Sweet Euphoria
Joined: 6/17/2005
Msg: 645
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Is separated single?
Posted: 5/16/2006 7:57:41 PM
I've been legally separated for over 7 years now. I have not sought a divorce because I really do believe my ex should be the one to file. He left myself and my children to be with my ex-best friend. I figure he made the choices ..he should finish it. At this point in my life, I'm not heavily involved with anyone that would warrant a divorce. I haven't had one man I've dated complain about my situation. I think it would be painfully obvious that my ex and I will never get back together and it's been a very long time since I became emotionally available to love again. I gave myself a year after he left before I even considered dating. Enough time to get my head on straight. Of course the time frame does depend on the individual. I do, however think twice about dating men that have been recently separated.
 lvlarge69
Joined: 3/5/2004
Msg: 646
Is separated single?
Posted: 5/16/2006 8:09:11 PM
So what about this...my wife and I have been separated for just over three years now..we have three children who we share responsibility with but we have not lived together during that time and she has liver with her boyfriend for about a year now and they just had a baby a couple months ago...so all of you would not consider Me, then single as per my situation????? Geez its hard enough finding a girl who can deal with the fact that I have kids let alone having to worry about not being considered single?????cause I am only separated..
 Polly_G
Joined: 11/21/2005
Msg: 647
Is separated single?
Posted: 5/16/2006 8:10:51 PM
Many people who get separated legally just stay that way rather then go through the expense of a divorce when they have no immediate plans for marriage in place.

Doesn't mean they wouldn't get divorced if it was important to the person they were currently with or wanted to marry. It also is NOOOOO indication that they have plans getting back with their spouse.

I put divorced simply because I don't want people to think I'm recently separated. Its been almost 10 years now and at least 7 since I last saw him. I'd have to track him down first to even get one.

I didn't get divorced because of complications which occurred when the marriage was registered. A divorce will cost me quite a bit more than if that little glitch hadn't happened. Not to mention he's approached me twice saying he was going to take care of it then I never heard back from him again (any wonder we broke up?).

I would love it if he would pay for it. But chances are he won't and at some point when I do have that kind of extra money laying around I will pay for it myself.

It's never been an issue with any guy I've dated.
 timmins911
Joined: 5/11/2006
Msg: 648
Is separated single?
Posted: 5/16/2006 8:27:49 PM
Hey, my 2 cents. I'm seperated, not divorced for one reason. It isn't necessary. As with most of my ex's (not many), my ex wife and I are friends now. Not close friends, but no enemies. Neither of us needed to pay lawyers big $ to say we were done. It just seems to be a question of honesty between people. Fyi, I'm seperated for 8 years and have meet her new guy about 6 months ago (had me over for coffee). I am happy my ex has a new love, who isn't limited by small stuff. Peace.
 sweet-tart
Joined: 5/8/2006
Msg: 649
Is separated single?
Posted: 5/16/2006 9:34:54 PM
Hey all,
Just wanted to share this. . .I am seperated myself, but I would be very cautious about dating a guy who said they were seperated, cauese I know a girl who was seperate from her husband for almost 10 years and they got back together. It just doesnt seem final enough, ya know?

~Linds
 dee-licious trouble
Joined: 4/26/2006
Msg: 650
Is separated single?
Posted: 5/17/2006 12:01:12 AM
why is it so different about a separated guy and a separated woman so different...you seem to put all the blame of the 'reconciliation' on the man...now...excuse me if i'm wrong...but...wouldn't the woman, who got back together with her ex after 10 years, be just as much to blame as the man?! and on a side note...i know people who have been DIVORCED...NOT separated for over a decade and remarried...so, sh!t happens...to EVERYBODY...and NOBODY should be lumped into a category because of their marital status. If you're not interested in somebody...you're not interested...all these stereotypes of what a separated person is, as opposed to a single, or a divorced person...it really kinda sickens me.
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