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 Bandito
Joined: 11/9/2005
Msg: 51
Is separated single?Page 3 of 37    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37)
My point Sienna_leigh is that all those issues you raise are no different for someone that has just left a LTR. You don't have had to been married to leave a relationship only to return to it.

As you might have been people that are seperated are in a legal transition state. But the legal state isn't any measure of their capacity to enter a new relationship....I think thats where I have issues with your claim...just because you have had personal negative experiences.

The fact is I am biased. The other fact is that I don't date or seek out relationships....not because I plan on returning back to my ex, but because I have custody of 3 beautiful children that don't need their lives any more complicated right now. That won't change in 3 months when I am allowed to file for divorce.

I do fight for the rights of clean, honest, seperated people wanting to move forwards with their lives. I just don't think its fair to shut the door in their faces without knowing their story first.

Just my humble heart felt opinion,

Bandito
 bugsybears
Joined: 10/6/2004
Msg: 52
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/4/2006 12:25:47 AM
legally your not single until the paperwork is finished. if you have nothing to lose, go for it. you may not feel married, but you are. it would be best to get your divorce before you get into another serious relationship. most would just say it's over, but there are a few out there that will take you for everything they can. technically it's still adultry.
 Feeniks
Joined: 1/16/2006
Msg: 53
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/4/2006 12:42:58 AM
This thread is the twin to the one that inspired me to create a profile here to begin with. Anybody who is too judgemental to not risk a chance to meet me, I don't want to know anyway! GFY!
My ex and I used a mediator to create a separation agreement.
Some of his input:
(1) There's no need to get divorced unless you're about to marry someone else. (My ex will remain covered by my medical coverage at work and the money saved on drugs, dentist, etc will likely be her only contribution to rasing the kids. I won't give that up for a piece of paper to satisfy the Sienna's of the world.
(2) If you're not bunking together or banking together, you're separated in the eyes of the law.

I'm in similar circumstances to Justbrian7. I have the legal paperwork that commits me sharing the family house until May, after which its mine and the kids. The alternative was to lose so much in real estate fees selling the house that the kids and I would be relegated to living in a basement suite and probably have to give away the dogs and cats to find a rental. If you don't have kids, you're in no position to comment.
We structure our work shifts to avoid each other and pick different rooms in the house on the rare occassion that we're there together. Highly awkward. 56 days to go.

The relationship has been dead for a very long time. I think I remember getting lucky once in 2004 (with my wife, of course.)(And no-one else, BTW.) The time before that was probably 2001. There's actually a very good reason for that but its not to share here and I don't give a &#%@ if you think its just another bogus excuse. It'd make me look like the angel that I'm not.

I've ventured, or accomplished, a few coffee dates in the last while. I find that my living situation stops me from being able to fall head-over-heels-in-love so I'm not going to do that anymore until myterm is up. I don't want to have to nuture a spark through a two month wait.

But I fully expect to have found the love-of-my-life that will see me through to the end of my days before another year is up. Although maybe I'll have to change my profile to read 'divorced' in a month or two. NOT!
 Bandito
Joined: 11/9/2005
Msg: 54
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/4/2006 12:47:05 AM
There are a few of everything that are out there that will take you for what they can. The fact that they masquarade as being "seperated" shouldn't reflect poorly on those people that truely are legally and physically seperated.

In Canada at least there can be no adultary if you are legally seperated. However, regardless if is offensive to consider or judge seperated people as adulters until you
know if they are having active sexual relations.

See...thats my point...everyone likes to jump to quick conclusions and get out the linch mob for everyone that is single crying out hethens, adulterors....makes people here seem rather judgemental don't you think?
 Feeniks
Joined: 1/16/2006
Msg: 55
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/4/2006 12:48:38 AM
Active thread! In Canada, divorces are "no-fault," if that's the expression. It doesn't matter why the relationship ended. Bugsy suggests that there is a legal risk if you "commit adultery." I find it offensive that you wold apply that term to a separated man but perhaps its different elsewhere. Or I mis-read the social implications of separation.

I see it as a legally dictated cooling off period, when people decide if they really want to be split. If they really do, then let them get on with it.

I don't want to be here now! Let alone six months from now.
 Sienna_leigh
Joined: 2/16/2006
Msg: 56
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/4/2006 12:56:21 AM
StillinLimbo - once again, another "separated" person who's incredibly defensive though I suppose it's understandable.

But here we have it - another "separated" man who's still living in the matrimonial home - of course you've got all your good excuses as to why but this particular detail doesn't add up to me:

The alternative was to lose so much in real estate fees selling the house that the kids and I would be relegated to living in a basement suite and probably have to give away the dogs and cats to find a rental

The commission one pays a realtor to sell their home is only a relatively small percentage of the selling price.....you make it sound like it's hundreds of thousands of dollars, or practically the full amount you'd get for the sale of the house. And if this "reason" is valid, how is this all going to suddenly change once your divorce is final? Won't you then still be selling the home and having to contend with these real estate fees THEN? Doesn't make sense.

And if you really didn't want to remain with your wife, you *could* get yourself a small bachelor suite and live on your own until the divorce is final - tons of people do that in a situation like this - particularly because it's only a supposedly temporary situation.

Nevertheless, I find it interesting that you make reference to "the Sienna's of the world." What is so darn wrong with not wishing to be involved with someone who's still got a lot of baggage to deal with? LOL
 Lux_Interior
Joined: 12/18/2005
Msg: 57
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/4/2006 12:58:17 AM
Technically. No.

If both parties are ACTUALLY functioning separate from eachother except where children are concerned, then I suppose they're pseudo-single. Although that sounds quite stupid.
 Sienna_leigh
Joined: 2/16/2006
Msg: 58
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/4/2006 1:10:39 AM
Bandito - my decision to have nothing to do with separated men (which many women also subscribe to) is only PARTLY due to the fact that many out there are lying swine who claim they're separated when in fact they're not - but to speak to that, there is no real way to know for sure if someone is still getting it on with their spouse - short of hiring a private investigator. But really, that's just one aspect of it. I have no desire to get involved with someone who's got emotional baggage that they need the time to deal with. It's a well known fact (and you can verify this with any good relationship counsellor or psychologist) that when a marriage ends, regardless of WHO ended it and why, there is still a grieving process that takes place..........and those 2 people can be fine and dandy while separated, but once that divorce is actually final, it can stir up a lot of regrets and feelings, even a sense of loneliness..........now does that kind of person sound like a good relationship-prospect? Common sense would say "no."

This is especially true for someone who's been in a longterm marriage. How can they go from being married for "x" number of years to just jumping into another relationship with someone else? Surely they should be taking some time once it's truly over (divorce granted) to be on their own for a while, sort themselves out, come to terms with the end of their marriage, do some self-reflection on how they may have contributed to the demise of the marriage (and learn some valuable lessons that they can carry into their next relationship).

Do I want to be involved with some guy who tells me that his divorce is almost final - only to find out that his ex wife changes her mind at the last minute because she's jealous he's "moved on" - and she decides to play games and get her lawyer involved, and if she can't 'get him back' then she'll try to make his life miserable, using the kids as pawns, threaten to take him to the cleaners, bla bla bla...........naturally this drama is going to carry over into OUR relationship - and why would I want to be a part of all that? I had my marriage, and my divorce - years ago......and I took the time to work through things and get to the place where I was emotionally ready to move on and find someone else.............it's so wrong that I expect that which I myself gave in the past?

In a previous post, I explained my own personal experiences on this subject, and why I feel the way I do - and if you want to accuse me of being judgmental and of painting all separated men with the same brush, go for it, it doesn't matter to me. At the end of the day, it's about my own happiness and I will not apologize for looking out for myself. Life is filled with risks but smart people take calculated risks. There's a whole sh*tload of reasons why it's unwise to get involved with someone who's not fully closed a previous chapter of his life - my reasons my vary with other peoples', but that's okay. The point is, I deserve someone whose attention is on our relationship, not someone who's preoccupied with his past.
 longte
Joined: 10/18/2004
Msg: 59
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/4/2006 1:57:45 AM
Not going to bother taking any sides in this one

Over here it may be different to the USA
What happens while seperated here has no bearing on any divorce court

Wife and I seperated on friendly terms about '93/94 after 20+ years together
Haven't lived together since, but still talk about kids etc as old friends would
In fact I still talk to my first real girlfriend from nearly 40 years ago
Have met some of her boyfriends and she got on well with two of mine
Neither of us plans on getting married again, but if that changed, getting it finalised it would not be a problem
Assets were split in a mutually agreeble way with no lawyers involved

As far as closure goes, it was closed before we seperated, for both of us

I think there is some law here that after 5 years seperation you are officially divorced anyway

Just have not bothered checking, as it has no relevance to my situation now, or in the foreseeable future
..
.
 Feeniks
Joined: 1/16/2006
Msg: 60
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/4/2006 2:20:19 AM
Can I quote myself?


If you don't have kids, you're in no position to comment.


There you have it. For those without kids, when the relationship is dead,you are free to simply move on and deal with the emotions after you've left. Takes time to get over the failure of a relationship. However, when you have children to house and feed and care for, you will make sacrifices of your own happiness to ensure that they are as happy as they can be. For some of us, this has provided ample time to contemplate our failings and/or mistakes. And strengths. And to get used to loneiness. Or being simply being alone.

I don't know how much of my finances its appropriate to discuss here but do you have a spare $500/month in your budget? Lucky you. Health care pays well? Regardless, see the quote above. I'm a pay-check from bankrupty. Like Justbrian, we (my ex and I) are expecting to see a dramatic improvement in our financial health by spring. (Since we signed the papers, my house has increased in value more than I make in a year.) But we signed the papers last October to ensure that the wait will be rewarded by a definite and legally binding departure. (Its a one-way trip!)

After that, I willl have logistical difficulties with a relationship. I'll be continuing to work 55+ hours/week to pay the bills, as I always have. I'll have to arrange transportation for the kids to the stables and the pool and such. I'll have to teach them to cook and fend for themselves better. I'd like to have the time to keep in touch with my buddies and also date, but my main buddies know that I'll be focusing on my love-life. So work, kids, and friends will be competing for my time and money.

But emotionally? I'll not go ga-ga over the first girl to give me a smile. Been there, done that, (and she's still the one that all others are measured against. LOL, I hope she reads this.)
I'll not subject anyone to an analysis of my ex.
I'm prepared to "play the field" for as long as it may take to find a soul-mate [insert profile blather here]. And if she comes along tomorrow (well the first of May) I'm ready for that too.

I hate these repetitive threads, but: the Valentine Edition of The Georgia Strait did a survey and found that 13 % of females were 'never not in a relationship." Compared to a similar number who "waited a year or more." Most were less than a month. But there's nothing wrong with being in a minority if it makes you comfortable. Its a big pond.
 Sweet sensations
Joined: 9/5/2005
Msg: 61
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/4/2006 2:52:17 AM
Unfinished business in my books!
 Feeniks
Joined: 1/16/2006
Msg: 62
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/4/2006 3:07:55 AM
What is? Living under the same roof? Being separated? Raising children? We're tied for life, the ex and I, through our children.
Where are you coming from?
Single? Does that mean divorced? If so, that's not totally honest.
Got kids. Is Dad stilll in the picture? Any attachment or did he just bigger off? Its all a matter of what you're coming from.
 aegean_odyssey
Joined: 10/12/2005
Msg: 63
view profile
History
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/4/2006 3:14:14 AM
Absolutely not!

Separated is still legally married..
as in the State of Florida -- there is NO legal separation
and it is a NO- Fault Divorce State-- you can be done in 30 days here

I know people here who have been "separated" for 5 or more years here
and carry on as if they are single,, other relationships, living etc.

But in the eyes of the LAW they are very much still married...
In most ALL cases Separated means do not go near this person

In the State of Florida --sexual relations/actions while separated are ADULTRY

I guess this would be the same in God's eyes also !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*********************************************************

States such as New York, New Jersey, Pennsylvania and Connecticut
require a legal separation in order to complete the divorce process
the time may vary from one - two YEARS but the red flag is still held high
stay away

go finish your business first and then go on with your life !
 Teddy Bear II
Joined: 2/10/2006
Msg: 64
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/4/2006 3:20:14 AM
Why not do the divorce yourself. I will only cost around $300.00 and it's done. If your thinking that it would be complicated, its not. Also, check with student legal services in your area. They might have a divorce workshop. In Edmonton the divorce workshop is at the University of Alberta. The workshop is about six hour on two consecutive Mondays and very easy to do. If there is no workshop get a do-it-yourself divorce kit. That’s if it would be a simple divorce. If you have property or kids then get use to idea of paying a professional scumbag.
 Feeniks
Joined: 1/16/2006
Msg: 65
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/4/2006 3:23:13 AM
Florida is a different country and as far from my side of the continent as possible. Its a one year wait here, although, as I mentioned and as you say many you know have chosen, sometimes its appropriate not to complete it.

You know something about a love that's whithered, BTW?
My condolances, nevertherless.
 -Horrible/Brazen-
Joined: 9/17/2005
Msg: 66
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/4/2006 3:26:26 AM
I'm going to quote my profile in response to this thread.


12. Men who are separated or the ink hasn't yet dried on the divorce papers. You're not ready to date and thinking you are, only solidifies the fact that you aren't. Duuuuude, face it, you're a dating biohazard.


I've been burnt by a separated man, so yes I'm very leery about becoming involved with one again, and that is MY right. So judging me based on my criteron and what I feel comfortable with, is as equally offensive. You wouldn't want to date me and vice versa. I'm sure I can live with that.
 Sweet sensations
Joined: 9/5/2005
Msg: 67
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/4/2006 3:28:30 AM
^^^^^^^^^

Ditto... I'm with her!
 Sweet sensations
Joined: 9/5/2005
Msg: 68
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/4/2006 3:30:11 AM
^^^^^^^^^

Ditto... I'm with her!
 aegean_odyssey
Joined: 10/12/2005
Msg: 69
view profile
History
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/4/2006 3:48:35 AM
In my post I did mention FOUR North East States where the
legal waiting period is from ONE - TWO years,,,,,,,,,,

Now 20 years ago -- I was Separated/Divorcing in one of these
states and my wife of the time was living in another
We were in separate homes, separated everything.
We lived over 100 miles (160 km+) apart and four States between us.
all was legally done (and yes at the time very painful)

However -- when I tried to date at the time woman were suspicious
that we might reconcile,, or were we together on weekends etc.
{which we never did -- nor did we do holidays together}
We had no children involved and it was UN Contested as such ---


still people wanted us to be DONE before we continued on...

.
.
.
.
.
.
.


that all being said -
once divorced in my opinion you can claim that you are single again.
 maggietush
Joined: 7/10/2005
Msg: 70
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/4/2006 5:58:47 AM
I would date a man that has been separated for at least a year but....he has to have his own place. I wouldn't date a man that was still in the marital home with the kids and wife upstairs. That is just way too strange.
 musicmanpvb
Joined: 12/14/2005
Msg: 71
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/4/2006 6:03:07 AM
The only thing that I would like to add to this thread is the following. The people that are saying they don't want to get involved with a separated person are NOT judging the PERSON - they are judging the SITUATION that person is in. If you are separated, you may be a wonderful person - but you are in a situation that people do not necessarily want to deal with, probably based on experience. Stop thinking that it's a personal attack, because it's not.

Some people don't want to date people with kids...
Some people don't want to date people that live more than 50 miles away...
etc...
 LunaLover
Joined: 2/24/2006
Msg: 72
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/4/2006 6:03:09 AM
In my opinion I don't think you are single until the papers are signed. Until you get those papers I don't think it really hits you. I myself won't date someone that is separated for the single fact that there is always the chance the couple will get back together. If children are involved I wouldn't want to be the cause of a divorce if the couple could anyway work it out!
Luna


If you're not bunking together or banking together, you're separated in the eyes of the law.

That's bullshit. You're legally married until you have the divorce decree in hand!
 KeepingStep
Joined: 7/6/2004
Msg: 73
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/4/2006 6:07:21 AM
I don't see any problem with dating a separated person. BUT, if it goes any further you run risks.

They are married. Let's say you get a condo together...he becomes seriously ill and cannot manage his business himself... guess what? you lose. wife can step in and make all the decisions for him....

Date him..sure.... get deeper involved..no way. If all you want to do is just hang out and/or date.... no problem. I didn't date just to have something to do. I was looking for my mate for life...no way that can happen with a married person..and separated is married.
 mogrl
Joined: 5/29/2005
Msg: 74
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/4/2006 6:10:20 AM
I wouldn`t get involved with anyone that`s separated.All the excuses about the kids,whatever !! I get the feeling that the other half of that separated couple usually doesn`t know about the separation.I couldn`t stand being separated,i wanted it over with.
 LunaLover
Joined: 2/24/2006
Msg: 75
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/4/2006 6:24:19 AM
onehelluvawoman, I don't think it's as much of a judgement as it is a preference!
Luna
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