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Joined: 11/12/2005
Msg: 126
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If we are talking about being picky or "closed-minded" ... looks like we have a new winner in Mr. Stillinlimbo!!!!

- no one who has had anything less than a 15 yr. relationship
- no one who has NOT had children
- no widows
- no women with a few extra pounds ("chunky", as he calls it)

Have I left anything out? ... Hmmm... let's see ... how do you feel about women who can't cook...
Joined: 9/11/2005
Msg: 127
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/5/2006 6:43:58 PM

Would you wish to involve yourself with someone not legally divorced? Whether they may be emotionally or physically apart or living in the "other" room or "basement" to spare the children or to save expenses

IMO, separated means they physically live apart and the divorce papers are filed; it also means they have dated others before me, as rebound relationships aren't any fun. I personally wouldn't date someone who was still living in the same home; there are other ways to save expenses. I also wouldn't date a separated - or divorced - person unless they had been apart from their spouse for a while and had dated several others before me. Sure, there's always the chance that the separated people could get back together, but that's not a given. There's also the chance that they could meet someone else while they're with you; nothing is ever certain. But I believe that one has to look at the overall situation before they make their decision about whether or not to get involved.
Joined: 2/2/2006
Msg: 128
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/5/2006 6:54:22 PM
Being online for a marathon 6 month, communicating and meeting a broad array of people I learned that regardless of our personal status, we have to maintain our emotional equilibrium in order to move on.

Admittedly, I’m still confused... who should I get involved with? Separated, single, attached, older, younger? Sadly, wherever I turn I see people with truckloads of baggage…little zest for life.. I really have little expectations, all I want is someone who learnt something from his past, moved on gracefully, and who is emotionally available and stable. It’s such a dilemma coz most have issues and problems often carried on to the new relationship, hindering it’s smooth flow…even my 18 years old daughter had a substantial baggage…scary really…
Joined: 9/11/2005
Msg: 129
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/5/2006 7:00:50 PM
cusema, I know how you feel...but when we get past our 30s we all have baggage of some kind; it's how we handle that baggage that makes the difference. Some people let it influence every decision they make, while others learn from it, realize what they do and don't want in their own life, and go on form there. Though that doesn't mean we don't make anymore mistakes ;)

I really believe that if we each figure out what we do and don't want in our own lives, it's easier to find someone who has done the same. If we don't know what's important to our self, we can't expect to find someone to make a good relationship with; it's like that old saying about how one has to be happy with them self before they can be happy with someone else.
Joined: 10/8/2005
Msg: 130
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/5/2006 7:43:30 PM
To the OP's question, "Is separated single"? In a legal sense, NO. In a dating sense, MAYBE. It's easy to have a knee-jerk reaction and say "separated people have baggage, they're likely to reconcile, they're on the rebound", etc. Every situation is different. In the US, depending on whatever state you live in there are different divorce laws that require a person to be legally separated for X amount of time.

You got to judge the situation before you discount the possibility of starting a relationship. Ladies, is Brad Pitt legally divorced? If he is, say right after he broke up with Aniston, you see him, he approaches you, you going to say "hell no I can't date Brad Pitt, he SEPARATED". Get real.

Every situation is different and a separated person could be as available as a single person. I don't blame with not posting every single detail about her personal situation on internet dating sites. And it's good that she determined that she is OVER with her husband and wants to move on to the next Someone Special (you go girl). I was in a similar situation, met a lady via the internet, her profile says "divorced", turns out she's separated. Normally I'd think "she lies about this, what else is she going to lie about?" Turns out one of the SMARTEST things I've done in my life is to have dated this woman. Needless to say she had a unique situation which I believed once I listened to her stories (which were very entertaining), her relationship was TOTALLY over, and she awaited the impending divorce. We had GREAT COMMUNICATION, of which I placed paramount value.

It's ok to feel like you cannot date someone who's separated, you can have whatever dating criteria you choose, but you are POSSIBLY limiting yourself to not meet your Someone Special. You only have a limited time on this earth, like the Rolling Stones said "you can't always get what you want, but if you try sometime, you just might find, you'll get what you need!"
Joined: 3/4/2006
Msg: 131
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/5/2006 7:54:35 PM
im there now my wife left me two years ago, to find herself, and i was very loyal to her as i didnt know if she would come back. now we are getting a divorce and it takes too long and i want to get on with my life, i feel it is ok for me. now if they are living together please make sure you dont get hurt and find out someone is lying to you.
Joined: 2/16/2006
Msg: 132
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/5/2006 8:25:24 PM

You got to judge the situation before you discount the possibility of starting a relationship. Ladies, is Brad Pitt legally divorced? If he is, say right after he broke up with Aniston, you see him, he approaches you, you going to say "hell no I can't date Brad Pitt, he SEPARATED". Get real.

Well I can't relate to your example because Brad Pitt has absolutely *not ever* done it for me. Ugh. But say it was someone else who was hotter than a pistol - there are some of us out there who would not compromise our convictions and principles all for a pretty face, or a boatload of money, or for fame, or whatever you want to dangle before us. I've met some gorgeous/sweet/hilarious/witty/smart 'separated guys' in my day but I didn't sway in my beliefs. Now before the Mod Squad comes in to accuse me of being holier than thou, I'm not saying I'm better anyone - I'm just saying that some people stick to their principles no matter what. :-)
Joined: 1/23/2006
Msg: 133
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/5/2006 8:29:10 PM
Yes, I know that each circumstance is definitely different. When I was newly separated....I did not date....and it wasnt because I was not divorced yet or anything. My X kept calling me begging for me to divorce him legally and pay for it because it was me that left and I was just way too busy in those days to even think about dating. My X got/paid for the legal divorce cuz he had someone waiting for the marriage years later...I am on a different page than newly separated people.....and I hear way out there stories.....I am looking to find my best friend, hang out bud and yes, remarry....but in order to marry cant already be married......ding ding.....
Joined: 1/16/2006
Msg: 134
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/5/2006 11:39:51 PM
A survey in The Georgia Strait, Feb. 9, 2006:
" When a relationship ends, how long do you wait before beginning another one?
Female responses:
Always in a relationship:13 percent
Longer than a year: 8 percent
One year or less: 43 percent
One month or less: 33 percent
One week or less: 7 percent.

Male responses:
Always in a relationship: 22 percent
Longer than a year: 15 percent
One year or less: 30 percent
One month or less: 26 percent
One week or less: 7 percent

As to the fact that its the separated men who are "being defensive" (I'd call it defending my position. You can use whatever loaded term you like), I too have been waiting for the people to chime in who started a successful LTR while still separated. Then I remembered that this is a DATING site and most people who are in a successful LTR aren't here. DUH!

Considering that I've only had sex twice this millenium, as far as I can remember, I'm a little nervous about the idea that I may spend a few months getting to know someone and when we first sleep together, I'l be compared to some rugged ape that she was dating before me. So I'm only going to date virgins.

As a white male, I carry the whole burden of mankind's evils. I can't do much about the male bit. Well, gender re-assignment and look for lesbian lovers, but they have a lot of their own issues. I can, however, minimize my exposure to all the baggage that minorities lay on whites if I only date Caucasions. But not Irish. Don't need to get in the middle of that Catholic/Protestant crap. An atheist Irishwoman would be OK, I guess. But not a red-head. That would definitely remind me of my ex. So. I'm only going to date thin, brunette, atheist Irish virgins with children. That's just my personal preference and if you others want to get all risky and adventurous, go right ahead. I'm not being judgemental, just looking for the right girl for me.
Joined: 1/16/2006
Msg: 135
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/5/2006 11:54:23 PM
As a serious response to the OP's question:
I believe that separated is legally single. I believe those stridently opposed may have strong religious tendencies that shape their decision, which is fine if you want a religous interpretation.

Most people here have baggage from former relationships. Some have moved on emotionally before they even have the house to themselves, some take 12 years before they've recovered (no offense intended, Sunshine.)

If the question related to a certain one who's caught your eye, I'd say give him a chance to show his worth without pre-judging. You're equally likely to have someone who's been dating for a while decide to dump you for someone they'd been seeing before. (Just taking a time-out.) There's absolutely no difference in the likihood, as far as I can see.

If the question is more general, ie "Should I even look there?" You have to set your parameters. If that creates too small a pond, consider which might be flexible. Do consider the source of your advice here in that respect. If you go to and ask their opinion on any particular model, you'll not be flooded with fans, just stories of problems. If you ask on a dating site who's had luck getting an LTR started with someone who's separated, the ones who would answer in the affirmative are out bowling with their lovers, not banging away ontheir keyboards here.

I'll try to remember to drop back in to say I told you so in a year or two.

I just showed my 16 year old this thread. He thinks its a hoot!

And Auntie. Cooking's not a problem. I advertise "gourmet" on my profile and there isn't a word of untruth in it. I am running out of clean shirts, though.
 smile with your eyes
Joined: 9/4/2005
Msg: 136
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/6/2006 9:34:27 AM
I now change my answer to it being on a case by case basis. Why?

I was chatting with a guy (finally opened up to it again) and last night decided to tell him I thought it would be best if he gave it another try with the ex. Again why? Because the ex is the one who ended it..and she's now found herself in quite the mess...and is telling the kids that there's a chance she and daddy will get back together.

That's a big ole red flag to me...why would I step into that's doomed from the beginning if you ask me...the kids would never like me because she's filling their heads with hope. So to me...either eliminate all hope...or try to fix it so you can have the family you used to. But it's not for me to be involved in.

So in answer to the question..Case by Case basis.
Joined: 2/28/2006
Msg: 137
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/6/2006 9:38:02 AM
be a bit more specific:

Separated but not yet divorced..1- 2 year? that's normal as there is a long waiting list one of my friend tell me.

Separated but not divorced +5 years? what are you waitng for?

Just separated last week and therefore not divorced? Am out of here as you may not know yet if you will patch it up and have not yet explore all possibilities.
Joined: 2/12/2006
Msg: 138
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/6/2006 10:21:14 AM
I too am involved with someone who is married, yet seperated, I feel as though i am breaking a rule, though he does live on his own with his roommates, he says as soon as he gets the "money" they will file, want to shove him in that direction to allow myself to not feel guilty for dating a married man, oh and this is not the first guy, yes there are many. I know divorce is prevelant but come on now, I am so tired of this.
Joined: 3/7/2006
Msg: 139
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Is separated single?
Posted: 3/10/2006 12:19:47 AM
After reviewing some of the perspectives here I'm left with the thought that those who lie, are emotionally not over someone else, and who might return to a former partner or re-commit fidelity to a current partner can be anyone irregardless of their marital status. Until we spend some time, get to know, and develop more intimacy will we know better if that person is emotionally available and over the past relationship. I've been separated from my husband for over 2 years. I haven't divorced because yes, of course, my ideal is that he will get a standing grip on his addiction, for which staying together was causing too much destruction and enablement. Until he gets some time in recovery, we can't really re-examine the shaken foundation of our relationship. In the meantime, my love for him has increasingly waned and I miss being in companionship of someone close that I care for. In my separation, I'm open to meeting friends, dating, sharing companionship. If something special develops with one person, I'm emotionally available, willing to pursue further, and able to put closure on my marriage. Until I'm into something that seems to be developing into a relationship, I'm not motivated to exert such finality regarding my marriage. I'm one of the few people who is straight-forward and puts my status out there when first meeting someone. I dislike being deceived so I don't do that to others. If someone is uncomfortable with my separation status, I don't judge them, respecting that it's just not something they want to get involved with.
Joined: 1/16/2006
Msg: 140
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/10/2006 2:09:22 AM
Wow. That's the first time on these threads that anyone has addressed the idea that they would/might/could return to their ex and that finding someone else might persuade them not to. Well spoken, Tammy. Somebody grab that girl! And give her some hope!
For myself, I thought I was fighting the fear of the possibiliity, the risk, that I might dump my next "girlfriend" for another better one. I'd never considered the idea of doing so for my ex to return. Its a one-way street for me.
But I guess, upon reflection, that the purpose having a law requiring separation is for just that purpose. (shudder!)
Joined: 1/31/2006
Msg: 141
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/10/2006 4:17:10 AM
Nicely said tamarindnector ... wish I had that post to read a year ago
Joined: 2/23/2006
Msg: 142
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/10/2006 5:29:14 AM
Well there is separated and there is legally separated,no? I know that I am separated legally and the house is sold and property divided all that is said and done.I did not date for a year because I was not ready,now I am.A divorce will only allow me to marry again and I havent had a proposal so not extremely necessary to me now. Then you have your trial separations now that to me is a red flag.Then you have your bashing each others brains out in court separations and that is emotionally draining. So Smile with your eyes I agree with you it is a case by case basis.
Joined: 2/16/2006
Msg: 143
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/10/2006 5:39:39 AM
So how do you know for sure that someone is legally separated or just partaking in a trial separation?

And really, what does a legal separation really mean in the grand scheme of things? It's no assurance that they person will not try to reconcile with their spouse - separated couples change their minds all the time and "try again to work it out" - often just having been apart for the first time ever is enough to cause them to take a good hard look at the situation and each other - and then decide to give it another shot.
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 144
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/10/2006 5:42:55 AM
my parents have been seperated not divorced for the past almost 10 years..they have emotionally detached themselves from eachother and have both had, and one still has..another partner in their life.
I would date a guy seperated, as long as the emotional attachment to his ex wife was clearly placed at the curb.
Joined: 1/29/2006
Msg: 145
view profile
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/10/2006 5:56:41 AM
I understand snowflake ............I am in a situation where I obtained my religous divorce, but to get the civil divorce will cost me about $10,000 on top of the money already spent protecting my kids and fighting for child support ( 1.5 yrs and $10,000). He is on the second girlfriend in that time and living with her, yet everytime it is close to a court judgement - he stalls it or refuses to sign the final papers. I would rather spend this money on my children.

I don't think I or anyone else should punish me for something he refuses to finish. I would and will date a seperated man - but would wonder if he stayed that way after the mandatory year wait. At this point, I am not looking to remarry - so that isn't an issue.
Joined: 2/16/2006
Msg: 146
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/10/2006 6:03:57 AM
Lily3 - what's a "religious divorce"?
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 147
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/10/2006 6:15:03 AM
Annulment. Basically the marriage didn't happen and only way of getting remarried in certain churches, eg. Catholic.
Joined: 3/3/2006
Msg: 148
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/10/2006 6:22:32 AM
Means your still "married" I won't date anyone who is separated...I have had my heart broken by dating a few "separated men" no thanks..They should clean up the mess before they move on...Its the right thing to do...
Joined: 2/16/2006
Msg: 149
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/10/2006 7:43:49 AM
Ahh, duh, I didn't think of that, dartguy. As an ex Catholic who would rather walk over hot coals than buy into the Catholic church's gig about having a marriage annulled so that in the "eyes of the church, the marriage didn't exist" - what a crock. I guess I shouldn't get started on that. Yes, let's all live in the dark and stick our heads in the sand and "pretend" it didn't occur......though obviously the head of the church, GOD (no, not the Pope, contrary to popular belief) knows it DID exist. How silly. Back when I was going through my divorce, I spoke w/ a priest about the annulment process and told it would ONLY cost me $900. Sounds like a money-making scam to me.
Joined: 1/16/2006
Msg: 150
Is separated single?
Posted: 3/10/2006 9:14:39 AM
So how do you know for sure that someone is legally separated or just partaking in a trial separation?

I carried my papers in the glove-box and offered them up when I had a second coffee date with the same girl. She told me that that was inappropriate but I felt better for having made the offer. There are lying cheaters out there. Some may also be claiming to be single or divorced.

For myself, we had a trial, non-legal separation three years ago. I was too angry about the financial claims she was making to even think of dating. Nor did I have the funds to. Now, the separation papers include the financial settlement which carries through into the divorce. The argument over the finances was enough to drive a spike a yard long through any chance of reconcilliation. I've got a deal I can live with and would never allow the ex a chance to re-open the negotiations. (We could spend 40 grand in court and we'd probably have the same result.)

I fail to see what protection anyone has that a person they are seeing isn't going to go back to a previous lover or move on to a "better" catch.
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