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 Dakini2004
Joined: 1/20/2006
Msg: 43
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SingleMoms being stereotyped.........Page 6 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
hey some of those kids like mine have adhd. its not a matter of control as a need for assistance. my boys are all over the place until their meds kick in. and you know what? sometimes they are still bouncing.

boys bounce. men seem to forget that about themselves as children.

the ones who want children, or don't mind children well, they are the ones to hold out for. you cannot change a person. and one shouldn't push a man into a relationship with their children.

and if they don't like your kids or your kids don't really like them, parhaps you should move on.
 Raeny76
Joined: 7/8/2006
Msg: 44
SingleMoms being stereotyped.........
Posted: 7/9/2006 2:22:12 PM
My daughter is very energetic. But if it means she is coming around you...then take it as a compliment... it means she likes you. For the man thats says we should make them behave...let the kids be kids. If you cant deal with an energetic child...dont date single moms. And lets all hope when you have kids...you can tell us the secret to how to get them to calm down! If a man cant deal with me having a child...then I dont need him. I let a man know first off that I have a child and that my child comes first and will always come first. Im not lookin for some man to be a dad to my child...she has one...crappy as he may be...but the package has to be accepted. Im also one of those women that likes for my daughter to meet that person fairly new into the dating. Ill be damned if Im gonna date a man for 6 months and then he cant get along with my daughter...cause Im gonna end up not seeing that man anymore. Ive been told Im wrong for doin this...but I want to know how my child and that man are gonna interact.
 crazychristy266
Joined: 6/9/2006
Msg: 47
SingleMoms being stereotyped.........
Posted: 7/9/2006 5:40:02 PM
i think with dating a single mom u shouldnt bring ur kids in the picture unless things get serious. then its not uncomfortable for the person ur seeing. not knowing what role to be.
 wbishop
Joined: 12/12/2005
Msg: 48
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SingleMoms being stereotyped.........
Posted: 7/9/2006 6:44:21 PM
Ive got to agree with you on that on I am a single dad who had sole custody of my four year old for a few monthes while her mother "found" herself. and often i found people treating me like something was wrong with me because i didnt have a woman in my daughters life. Like it was my fault her mother ran off with a biker 20 yrs older than she is! I have found that alot of the single mothers who complain about not getting guys wont consider a single father why is that??? I personally prefer to date a single mom because we have so much more in common.

and my biggest pet peeve about being a single dad......being in public when my little girl has to go to the bathroom!! she is too young to go into a public restroom by herself and obviously i dont want to take her into a mens room because there is no privacy, everything is just out there for her to see. It is a real nightmare!!!!
 Dakini2004
Joined: 1/20/2006
Msg: 51
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SingleMoms being stereotyped.........
Posted: 7/9/2006 9:35:35 PM
an all out spanking isn't always needed but a choicely placed swat properly times is crutial at times.
I have given said coice swat quick, short, direct with stern words following. the spank is not needed often but sometimes it is needed.
now that my boys know when i mean business all i have to do is say "2" and they go hopping. they hop in fear. i don't mind that they have a touch of fear rather than obeying out of respect... better they fear me and do as i say than make a display of respect yet doing whatever they wish behind my back. and better fear me more than the boogy man or things under the bed or whatever they occasionally try in order to stay up later...
im scared of the dark and im like oh yeah why and they were like theres monsters and im like i'm gonna beat those monsters asses if they bother you so go to sleep. and they did. comforted and confident that the monsters wanted a spanking even less than they themselves would want one.
 Dakini2004
Joined: 1/20/2006
Msg: 52
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SingleMoms being stereotyped.........
Posted: 7/9/2006 9:43:27 PM
dear Iwarrior,

first of all you shouldn't feel the need to dicipline anyones kid.

I mean, i wouldn't even have you meet my kids for some time. like a couple of months.

then only in open public areas like a trip to the park or beach or mall or zoo. places where there are distractions and other kids.

if the kid acts up you by then should be confident enough in the relationship to say something... gently to the mom.

however, if she insists the kid is an angel, your beter off getting out anyway. because you'll never be able to have an adult relationship with the woman.

she'll always put the kid first and the kid will be able to do no wrong. not a healthy attitude.

me, i know my boys can be bad. they will push buttons, and downright naughty. and i jump right in on their cases.

i know know not many moms do partly because they feel guilty that the child is "missing out" on having their father around.

well let me tell you Im glad im divorced. my ex used to lock the kids in their room and go out to the store when i was at work.

to the moms out there, you need to give up that feeling of guilt which leads yu to over copensate for your childs shortcummings behivior wise. your not doing them any favors and they will not be any kinder or sweeter to you in the future for it. in fact your probably going to help turn them into the exact same kind of selfish self serving male their father is/was....
 singlemaninMD
Joined: 3/21/2007
Msg: 55
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SingleMoms being stereotyped.........
Posted: 5/26/2007 7:43:18 PM
alura,
You would be stereotyoing and thinking I am one of those losers. I suggest you get a grip, and I certainly think I am the better parent by far. I am quite the opposite of a loser and I would bet most of the guys who even care enough to show up for the visitation routinely are the same. It's the pieces of sheeeeeeeittt that beat women, verbally abuse them, show up for the kids when they feel it is convenient that jades all you ladies. Hell if you would open you eyes and your mind your obvious bitterness and attitude may have a chance to change. Men think women with crap attitudes are like the plague. Generally because they left someone who had the same attitude. Sometimes one must look at themselves and se if maybe they are "projecting" their own faults and attitudes onto others. Inner reflection and se;f evaluation is crucial. I used to walk around and see single dads wth their kids at mcdonalds and who the "****" he used to be married to had an affair with etc. My piss poor view and attitude was alienating me until I realized not everyone who divorced hated each other nor were cheated on and cheated on with some ugly dude no less! LOL! I had to really take a look and finally got over it all and I feel better and happier than I have in years.

Single dads who step up are becoming far more common these days. It is the court's attitude towards the man that causes all of this nonsense. It should be EQUAL not just presumed Mon is best. I observe many cases of the opposite! I think we all may find someone if we step back and try to readjust our attitudes and not think every person out there wil do the same as your ex.

IMTHIKIN a very good post and sums up my thoughts and feelings very well. Thanks for saying it for me. I agree a single person w/out kids will generally NEVER understand the full committment and dedication both emotionally and financially a parent has to their child. Some may! I know my greatest love even though my son son seems to try and routinely test my stance! LOL!
 Ravenstar66
Joined: 8/27/2007
Msg: 72
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SingleMoms being stereotyped and their family!!
Posted: 9/2/2007 12:12:40 PM
I live in Canada. I'm a single mom (not by choice but here I am). NEVER would I look for some guy to pay my bills. I have payed my own way since I was 15. I have never sought alimony, or child support. The only way I would ever seek that from a stepparent is if he had made a commitment to be a legal stepparent by adopting my child...and that would be a VERY long term relationship.

I work, I parent, I do other things that interest me. I'm not looking for a father for my daughter. I'm not looking to be another child's mom either. If I dated a single father, my role would be to support him in his choices on how to raise his children...and I would expect the same.

I have great respect for single father's. I applaud men who are so selfless and responsible. I know the corporate world doesn't give much support to single dads. Hopefully that will change.

Stereotypes are just that. I don't even know why any man would even bother with stereotyping single moms. If they don't like or want children...if they feel single moms are..whatever, maybe they should just date women who don't have children. And keep their bigotry and ignorance to themselves. Every person is different..if you haven't walked a mile in their shoes..shut the heck up. And, yes, I know there are unscrupulous people out there..men and women.

Maybe we should teach our children to take more responsibility for their reproductive powers. If you are going to have sex...USE BIRTH CONTROL, don't leave it up to the other person and then get upset when you have procreated. It's just like anything else in the world...there are natural consequences for all choices. Mature people take responsibility for their actions, period, whether they like them or not. Single parents are taking responsibility for their actions, and it isn't easy to parent by yourself. I applaud that.

To all young people..PLEASE know that having a baby does NOT make anything better. It usually makes things worse. Children put a lot of strain on even the best relationship. Just my observation.

Peace
 Canoe Gal
Joined: 5/5/2006
Msg: 73
SingleMoms being stereotyped and their family!!
Posted: 9/2/2007 10:15:25 PM

My brother and I talked about raising kids with mental disorders (his wife is a phyciatric nurse) and he said he could not understand why things were going this way for me...and I just put it like this; 1. I am a single mom 2. I am on social assistance 3. I live in housing and if I had a professional job, married and had my own house do you think my family would be abused like this? ... Stygmatism sucks!! And so do the ignoramisis of this world...(sorry for the grammar)... I would encourage anyone with any opinion to post a reply....as all are welcome...

I can let you know that it is not just your family. I too am a single mom. I am not on assistance I work full time making excellent money. Yes it is a professional career with an Oil & Gas company. I don't live in housing, I do however rent in what was until a few weeks ago an excellent neighbourhood. My family goes through the same abuse as yours does.
 southernlass
Joined: 5/2/2006
Msg: 74
SingleMoms being stereotyped.........
Posted: 9/3/2007 3:23:15 AM
The truth about single mothers is this:

Most single mothers are tough, smart ladies that are struggling to maintain a home and bring in the bacon, as well as raise law abiding, moral, well-behaved children. We have to do this on one salary, one day at a time, whether we're sick or well, tired or chipper, rain or shine. Single mothers work twice as hard as most because we have a second job to do when we get home from the first one and the second job lasts until approximately nine or ten pm most evenings. Single mother's don't get time off but still have incredible stamina, patience, and the creative ability to stretch a dollar, tell a story, answer endless, repetitive, boring questions -- yet still we smile and show tenderness, despite the bone numbing weariness we are feeling. Single mothers don't know what it means to take time off. It doesn't matter if we're sick; we still have to go to the store, cook dinner for the family, clean the house, get the kids bathed and into bed and up for school the next day. Single moms don't have the word "vacation" or "time off" in our version of Webster's. We just aren't allowed to rest much. Single mothers are protective, wary, and probably half frightened these days (if we're smart). We never know if that so called gentleman we've just met is a prospective pedophile (because so many abound these days). We never know if he can be trusted around children so we'll keep him at arms length for quite a while until we've checked him out so thoroughly we probably know him better than his own parents do. Single mothers often don't have a lot of or even any family to help when emergencies strike. We have to learn to survive completely on our own with very little help from anyone. Single mother's become survivors in every sense of the word. We also know how to make a cozy, comfortable home and we know how to take care of others well. It's a shame we don't know how to take care of ourselves better and we need to learn. We are compassionate, loving, giving, tireless women who put others before ourselves on an ongoing, consistent basis because this is our regular job description, day in - day out.

Now while not every single mother may fall under this description, I think the majority do. Very few people who aren't single mothers have a clue what we go through on a daily basis. Until someone has walked even an hour in our shoes, it's pure and simple ignorance to judge or criticize us. Instead, applaud us -- and quite loudly while you're at it. I think we need to give ourselves one big hug and a pat on the back. We deserve it. And believe it or not, there are still men out there who know and understand what I've written here. These men are the real keepers. Pass the others on by and keep fishing, girls!
 brandy_n_3
Joined: 8/27/2006
Msg: 75
SingleMoms being stereotyped
Posted: 9/3/2007 8:36:02 AM

I am a single mom of two boys, and my oldest is ADHD, Autistic and has Oppsitional Defiance Disorder/ Conduct Disorder*....The last of the three mentioned above is the hardest..and I would encourage people to read abit about it...My neighbourhood has alot of kids there, and as you all know kids will get into things that well..kids do...Not so for my son, everyday he goes out the door I have at least 7 knocks on the door of people telling me " he did this or he did that", I have even been told that I am an "Unfit peice of s**t." My son has the mentality of a younger child... I have been accused of neglect or spoiling my kids..which is neither ture...We are tormented...I go out and check on him regulary to remind him to play nice...and have seen him bullied by the same kids and suprise their parents are the ones who are the first ones to come running to me. I have even had one grown 6'2 man chase my son because my oldest threw a rock on the ground...and when I mean chase I mean he jumped over a gate and ran after my son who was terrified. My son has no concept of danger and I have to put up dead bolts on the door, locks on his door, and alarms, all of which worked for a little while but he figured out how to get them open and would get out all hours of the night (no wonder I have problems with sleep) .I have 7 professionals working with my son, ranging from behavioural managment, peditricians (2), and a phycologist. I have stayed away from everyone and tryed to explain the situation and when even that did not help, I just got fed up and stood up to them..Now I had even been threatened by a resident that one day someone will call the cops on my son..guess what? Later that day someone did...The police officer just shook his head when I explained my situation and said basically some people should be in jail for wasting their time with such pettyness and bulling of parents and childeren, apparently his son has ODD as well. I have been on my own for 4 years and for me to date again is a big thing..And I know for a fact that my family is stereotyped and I am just loving the idea of actually meeting someone (sarcasticly). I just have seen so much with the so called "men" around here and they take one look at my kids and all they say is "this is nuts..I will call you some time k?" Translation: I would like to be here but not with your kid...Between you and me, this is the first time I have ever had the gumption to actually post anything about this, but I am so tired of the fight...My brother and I talked about raising kids with mental disorders (his wife is a phyciatric nurse) and he said he could not understand why things were going this way for me...and I just put it like this; 1. I am a single mom 2. I am on social assistance 3. I live in housing and if I had a professional job, married and had my own house do you think my family would be abused like this? ... Stygmatism sucks!! And so do the ignoramisis of this world...(sorry for the grammar)... I would encourage anyone with any opinion to post a reply....as all are welcome...


I could have written your post. OF my 4 kids 2 of them are "alphabet soup" kids as I call them. My oldest has severe ADHD, anxiety disorder and possible PDD-NOS, the 2nd one has ADHD and conduct disorder, so I know what it is like parenting kids with these. I have had it out with neighbors over the last 5.5 years I have been here. ONe who was forever after me and my kids becaue of this or that, of course her children could do no harm, despite the fact they are both bullies. SHE finally caught her son knocking my son off his bike as he rode by trying to push him ont he road then proceeded to tell him he was gay and had anal sex. That was the last time she got after me about my kids. I had been tellingher for years her son was a bully and I would not stop my son from defending himself(her son would attack mine, mine would fight back, then she would be at my doorstep freaking out that my son punched hers).

I had the man next door tell my kids he was going to break into our house and kill them while they slept because they were useless human beings. That family moved away a month afterwards because I involved the police. I've had another neighbor accuse me of being unfit, not supervising etc when my son would get out of the house as a smaller child, or when he climbed out the window etc. They finally learned to shut up and back off as the kids grew and they could see 1 the kids were growing up well despite their labels and starting to overcome some of the behaviours, and 2 that the 3rd was completely different, being a very normal boy that was well-mannered, listened etc and was being raised the same way as the other two.

I have been stereotyped, it happens, I try not to worry about it. The guys I have dated understood what my kids were like before we even started dating. I have only had 2 boyriends over the last 6 years, both were single fathers so perhaps that makes a difference as far as stereotyping goes. Those that chose to stereotype before getting to know me aren't worth my time or energy thinking about. I have enough on my plate taking care of my kids to be worried about what others think of me.
 Andraya
Joined: 11/14/2005
Msg: 76
SingleMoms being stereotyped.........
Posted: 9/3/2007 10:28:16 AM
Now this is why I am so selective about who meets my kids and when they meet them. I have two girls ages 9 and 19 months. I have seen the pain in my eldest's eyes when her Step-Mom left and I saw it again when my ex left. I will do anything in my power to prevent that now. I do feel stereo typed in many ways, that I am after money, or after a daddy, wanting marriage right away and that I am an easy lay. NONE of them are true. I raise my girls on my own financially and yes sometimes it means I can't go out to do the things I want but I rarely allow a guy to pay my way. If I can't afford to go out I simply don't go out. If a guy can't handle a night in then he is so very wrong for me. Both my girls have a daddy and I would feel like butt if I tried to bring a new dad into their lives. I want whoever I end up with to love my girls... but they will never be their father. I don't want marriage and I may never want that! As for the easy part I see far more single hootch at the bar looking for a one timer than I see single moms.

Honestly I think some men find that playing the "she has kids" card is an easy way to leave a budding relationship. They don't feel connected or aren't ready for that kind of lifestyle so they put the blame on the mom as a way to feel better about backing off. I try not to let myself get overly involved right off the bat for this very reason.

If I wanted a man around for my kids I wouldn't be looking for the qualities I admire. My profile would say "must love playing Barbie and know every Backyardigans song".
 kansascattail
Joined: 8/14/2007
Msg: 77
SingleMoms being stereotyped.........
Posted: 9/3/2007 11:07:36 AM
I try to be careful about who I allow in my children's lives. It is true though that many men seem to think I am looking for a new father for them. While I would love to have another positive male influence in my children's lives, they could never replace their father. Just as I know that my ex may have another woman in his life, but she will never replace me as their mom.
 Canoe Gal
Joined: 5/5/2006
Msg: 78
SingleMoms being stereotyped.........
Posted: 9/3/2007 11:40:43 AM

Many single moms are hard-working people but many are not...

I think you meant to say "some" are not "many". You have a limited exposure. You do not know all.

I have a disability (cerebral palsey) I get stereotyped all the time..it is because people know that one person who has a disability that abuses the social assistance system or is lazy ect.) I have a good job, work hard for my money have some savings and I know I am not falling into the stereo type. I know I am but why would I worry about what others think who do not know me?
It does bother you or you would not have brought it up. Even to use as an example of being stereotyped.

Canoe: sorry to hear your residental area is no longer safe..that really sucks.
My neighbourhood is safe. It is a wonderful area. It's just that there are two houses on the street that are of the same opinion as yourself when it comes to single mothers. Their exact words are "you single mother's are nothing but white trash and should go back to the trailer park you came from." I've never lived in a trailer park. The only thing I know about trailer parks is what I have seen in movies.
 MonzaRacer
Joined: 1/28/2005
Msg: 80
SingleMoms being stereotyped.........
Posted: 9/3/2007 3:16:52 PM
Well as for single moms being sterotyped , yep see it all the time I also see a man my age not wanting to plan for my retirement rather than start a family.
I am 39 not 59. For other reasons I am not married and no kids at home nor can see(long story but isnt from not wanting too).
I meet women in thier mid 30s who are either single with kids or have raised thiers and dont want anymore or just want to statt planing for a retirement or some such blather ,rather than making a home (regardless of kids or not) and all.
I then get derided for looking to younger women who still want children or have them but arent looking for a daddy.
I have a step mother and a step brother and 2 step sisters, 2 step neices and 3 step nephews and one great step neice (God I can remember when her mom was born) so being a stepparent isnt out of my range of knowlege.
Anyway to me a single mom is sacred, my mom raised me single till I decided to get away from problems at school and move in with my dad/step mom.
As for dating a single mom I have messaged many and got so many different responses.
Also if she is looking for a new baby or sperm donor she wont even get a call back except to say good bye.
But if the lady wants to date, get to know each other and hopefully make a stable relationship together and she has children so be it.
I was raised to treat ladies right and all and God rest his souls my dad would haunt me if i didnt treat them nice AND my mom who is still around and kicking after a liver/kidney transplant would give me what for if I was treating her bad.
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