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Joined: 2/2/2005
Msg: 26
How do you stop loving someone?Page 2 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
This will be my first post.
I just wanted to say that you're not alone. My husband walked out on me quite suddenly.
I didn't see it coming and never even entertained the idea of us not being together.

I'm still not entirely sure why he left. I know that we have always been best friends and will continue to be. Somewhere along the line, we stopped communicating.

I thought we should see a marriage counselor and try to repair it. He adopted my 10 year old less than a year ago and we have a 2 year old together. I don't know. I guess I thought the kids deserved for us to make an effort to try and fix things.

I'm sorry if I'm kinda running amok with what I'm saying, still have days where things can be difficult.

But, everyone is right...the hurt does eventually go away, and broken hearts mend.

Take care and just focus on you and your daughter.

Joined: 1/18/2005
Msg: 27
How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 2/4/2005 12:34:58 PM
I just played my last card with mine today, and instead of it being the ace of spades which I so hoped for it was the 1 of hearts. I'm so utterly destroyed in the head and in the heart that I don't know how I feel. Days before I was crying my head off, trying to come up with solutions losing sleep day after day after day. I've even said bad things to her when I was upset things that I didn't mean and shouldn't have said but emotions took over. I got the blame totally for that. Totally. Because I was upset and wasn't able to think it got thrown in my face and thats why we are no longer together anymore. That same day I brought 24 roses and a note explaining everything and even tried to talk and hug, but no good. She said I was no longer in her heart after the things I have said. But how does one control these emotions? I know alot of people are the same as me. I know it shouldn't have slipped and I should have been more confident. But I am far from perfect. No matter how hard I try. And it hurts today to say that when I talked to her mother it was the last thing that I could do. And it didn't work. So my last hope was destroyed. my mind destroyed and my heart obliterated. I don't really know how to feel other then lost. I've felt really down and cried hard before but right now I find myself not being able too. I have never had it so good in a relationship before nor was with someone who had a baby that i spent so much time with that called me daddy, or none that I have taught to walk before. I have never had a taste so cloes to marriage before. And I almost had it. Now that there is nothing left I am left behind with access emotions and love that seem to be pouring out of an open wound. I've tried to be strong about the whole thing but in the end. It just feels like.

thanks for taking time to listen and read
Joined: 11/13/2004
Msg: 28
How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 2/4/2005 1:37:00 PM
Major Mike,

I first want to thank you for going at great personal risk and taking care of business on mine and the rest of the country's behalf.

I have been divorced 1 year and 8 days. I know what you're going through. I hear myself when I read your words. I was exactly like you a commitment to marriage is for life. My ex and I used to joke that we had an 80 year contract and that time we would be free agents. Mine asked for a divorce the day before our 10th anniv. I hear the self doubt in you. The best advice I can offer is keep busy, change routines, avoid things you did together even change grocery stores brand of foods drinks, video store.
When you must see her be friendly, business like, and keep things polite and brief. Always be the one to end a visit and phone call first. Do notlet her know how much you hurt.

I was doing most of what "buffalowardance" suggests in my case it was a mistake. MAYBE if I had waited till now it would work. She is hurting also. But I find when a women gets to this point they are VERY strong and determined, trying to win them back at this point makes them run faster, that is my experience.
The big question, you will never stop loving her, nor her you. I can't tell you when it stops hurting because I hurt today as much or more than I did a year ago. Also if you are planning to be friends, you MUST distance yourself first for at least 6 months. This was a big mistake I made
Joined: 12/23/2004
Msg: 29
How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 2/4/2005 2:00:39 PM
Wow I wish I knew the answer to that one,
I don't think you ever do, you just seem to be able to get to a place in your life
where you keep all the good memories, but eventually you can move on.

I was married for 18 yrs and together for 22, had 4 kids with him,
I got sick myself, and one day he decided he didnt love me anymore
and moved on.

But enough about me, I just think it takes one day at a time,
good luck and you are in my prayers.

Joined: 1/23/2005
Msg: 30
How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 2/4/2005 6:00:48 PM
You don't but you do have a choice as to how you handle it. You can take that love and look at it as a sign of your capacity to love and tuck it away as a precious gift in the recesses of your heart. When the time is right that will be your standard or guide when you love again. And my friend you will. I was in an 8 year relationship many years ago and he got up one morning to go to work(two days after Christmas), gave me a kiss on the cheek and asked what I was making dinner. He never came home. He was missing for a week. His sister, brother and I called everyone we knew. We knew he was o.k because he had the work truck and they would have been notified if it was in an accident or abandonned somewhere. His sister got the idea of calling everyone again and letting it be known that if he did not call soon she would report the work truck stolen in order to get the cops to work faster to find him. He called within 4 hours. Said he needed time to think. Then said the responsibility of the business, the relationship, the home we had purchased was too much. He needed out of the relationship. I moved out of the house since he paid the lion's share of it all. A week later, SHE moved in, with her 10 year old son. Oh, man I hurt. I thought I would die. I cried for a week, drowned my sorrows in beer. Lost the baby I did not know I was carrying at the time (I would not have drank had I known). Then one day I woke up and decided I deserved better than that. I knew a part of me would always love him. But I could cherish the gift I had for 8 years. Cherish the memories and all those glorious feelings OR I could turn bitter and resentful and lose that gift to the bitterness. If I did that then I would have wasted 8 years of my life. I learned my capacity to love and my capacity for forgiveness as well. Less than a year later I met my husband. We have had 10 years together. We are currently going through a rough spell and are trying to work things out. There are things from his past that he needs to deal with. BUT if they do not work, Yes, I will hurt, yes, I will mourn. BUT I will eventually love again.
Give yourself the right to mourn, give yourself the right to forgive her and yourself. I sense that you blame yourself for her feelings change. Part of the change in her feelings may be that she in unable to deal with not having been able to help you through the trauma you went through. It is possible that she feels she has failed you in some way and that failure prevents her from loving the person that you are now. Strictly hypothosizing of course and I know none of it helps. I'm just speaking from my own circumstance that is no where near yours. I'm a mother, a wife, and of course a female and I am therefore a nurturer by nature. It hurts me deeply that I can not help my husband through his pain and trying to figure out just who he is. Sometimes I think it might be easier if I could turn off my heart and just move on now. You circumstance are his magnified by 100 so it only stands to reason that your wife may have just done that. Concentrate on your daughter, let her love heal you. She still loves you for who you are to her. Most importantly, love yourself. You have served your country well. You have a beautiful daughter who loves you. You're wife did not create her on her own. You have reason to take pride in that.
Take care of yourself Mike. I wish you all the best.
Joined: 2/3/2005
Msg: 31
How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 2/4/2005 6:50:42 PM
I think it is wonderful that there are so many supporters on this site, makes it easier to open up, i believe a spiritual side is always helpful, the more spiritual you are, the better off you are, no - i dont mean a holy roller, i just mean that you have beliefs to help you through. One of you wrote that the person lost takes a part of you, that really affected me because i do believe i am full of holes then.
 Still Standing
Joined: 1/21/2005
Msg: 32
How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 2/4/2005 6:54:51 PM
You don't stop loving the other person - you start loving yourself. My marraige went south after 25 years!!!! People change, times change - ther';s something else ( better ) out there for you. Accept it and move on. I'm not saying its easy, but its the way things go and the sooner you get on with it, the better. I wish you the best!
Joined: 2/3/2005
Msg: 33
How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 2/4/2005 6:56:21 PM
I hate to say it, but it is true. You have to suck it up, get out there, and find someone new, if anything just to pass time with and share your heartache and feelings. I always pick emotionally unavailable men that never share themselves with me, i don't know them, so I have this idea of who i think they are. In essence, i am in love with the person that I have created, not the real person. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt and am very forgiving, but some things are very unforgivable-like wounds to my self-esteem that take literally years to heal. Giving yourself pep talks and constant reminders of the real person that you were with is helpful. Try to remember the way that you felt when they paid no attention to you, or you were always second best, or there was "too much Howard Hughes in Howard Hughes." Have good friends and do what it takes to feel better yourself. Working out is wonderful and energizing as well.
Joined: 2/4/2005
Msg: 34
How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 2/4/2005 7:07:02 PM
Well, I got dumped today, and that list is just too much for me to take on right now. I feel like I can't breath. Maybe tomorrow.

This hurts.
Joined: 1/30/2005
Msg: 35
How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 2/4/2005 7:16:28 PM
You don't stop loving someone. But you do move on.
Joined: 1/25/2005
Msg: 36
How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 2/4/2005 8:23:31 PM
Oh geez...hurt and pain. How sad life can be. I guess in a way... I am your ex. I was divorced after 24 years and four children. We married so young and tried so hard. We never asked for handouts...but were always there to help others. We just had so many hard times and I kept saying next year it'll be better. It never was but we got by. It just got so tiring when he was dealing with his hurts, pain, disappointments and confusion in a 'guys' way... in 'his' way... and kept closing me out. He had too much pride and too self-centered at times to go with me to get help. Gradually the distancing happened on my end where I started handling things 'his' way. I quit asking for help and support and just quiet hugging time. I quit worrying about how to make things work and how to handle everything and just made plans and did it...without consulting him. He liked that I had quit nagging. I let him have his space and found my own way to handle the hurt in me. When the final bad thing happened and cleaned us out and there was no one their to help us... I didn't care anymore if he was hurting or disappointed... I just cared that he was going to get up, for our girls sake and go on...he couldn't get up and I couldn't stay down. I had lost my ability to laugh and ....I needed to be in a partnership, not mothering another person. I felt so bad and still do at times, but I also felt so relieved to have the weight off my shoulders. At any time, right up until I filed the divorce papers.. all he would have had to do was say... Ok ! I am sorry! I will honestly try to shake my Ghosts.Help me work this out and I would have! But he couldn't. They had become his comfort zone. I am so sorry but if your ex is like me.... it took her a long time to come to this point and a lot of hurt. Please.....don't get angry with her and just drift with the hurt and pain until it gets easier. It does you just takes so long. I finally met the most awesome man in the world two years ago. It took me 5 years to trust that a man would be strong enough to be a shoulder when I needed him. Just before Christmas he told me he wanted to do more dating. He is scared of marrying again because his marriage was so bitter. His son had made it obvious I would not be welcome and his siblings were not happy in their second marriages........ so the pain and hurt....they start again. It is harder the second time because you are so careful to be so careful. You cry and you try to stay focused on not being mad or bitter and you 'know' that the hurt will pass. Please stay well and get strong from your other hurts or you will just take them into another relationship and it will be you making someone cry. Love is an awesome risk and I hope one day to get a chance again... but until then I meet awesome new friends who help you work through and trust that you can be happy again. Take care of yourself.
Joined: 9/13/2004
Msg: 37
How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 2/4/2005 9:47:53 PM
get over it the past happened last night
Joined: 7/29/2004
Msg: 38
view profile
How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 2/5/2005 6:20:28 AM
You don't, you never just learn to live with it and eventually there will be room for another might be a different kind of love, maybe even a stronger love or a more comfortable love.......someone who loves you for all that you are and all that you have been through......I still believe in "happily ever after"
Joined: 1/29/2005
Msg: 39
How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 2/5/2005 8:04:54 AM
I agree with most that you do not stop loving someone.

I was involved with someone 4 years ago, and we loved each other. She was really my first true love, despite having been married once.

We broke up 3 years ago, and it took me time to get out dating again, but I did.

I still love this person, but not in the same way. I do not think we would be romantic again, but you can not turn the past love into hate.
There are often too many love memories.

Do not try to stop loving her. Do try to move on and find someone who will accept you love.

Good Luck
 jennifer j
Joined: 10/15/2004
Msg: 40
How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 2/5/2005 8:21:11 AM
Keep busy
Joined: 10/9/2004
Msg: 41
view profile
How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 2/5/2005 11:43:13 AM
To all

I want to move on, I really do. I have been on a few dates, and am trying to meet new people. But I have spent the last two years just trying to think of a reason to get up in the morning.

I carried a .45 cartridge with my initials on it in my pocket for a long time, a reminder that it was my choice, to live or die. I chose life because I was afraid of the effect my suicide would have on my daughter, as I have known several children of suicide. I love her more than I thought it was possible to love anyone or anything, and now I live for the moments together.

Although I do love her so, I know now that I need more in my life if I ever want to enjoy it again. I so want to feel the touch of a woman again, but not in a one-night stand, that's just not me. I want to wake up and feel the sun on my face, and not be afraid it will cause a migraine. I want to be able to go through a day without watching a clock for medication time, or constantly evaluating myself for the signs of an oncoming headache (see below).
I exist . . but do not live, and existence is not enough.

Okay, I'm having another pity party, sorry.


** I have been to the best headache specialists in the world, tried every possible treatment regimen, including chiropractic, nutritional, massage, accupuncture, etc, nothing works as a preventative. I am now on last-choice meds, including heavy narcotics, the only relief I have ever received. I have slight temporal lobe damage, post-traumatic epilepsy, and a permanent post-concussive syndrome from a head wound I incurred in a combat situation. I appreciate your concern and advice, but if it's out there, I have tried it. **
Joined: 10/9/2004
Msg: 42
view profile
How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 2/5/2005 5:22:25 PM
Me again, for some reason I couldn't edit the last post.

My dog reminded me that he has a role in this house too, and that his unconditional love was helping me just as much as his sisters (long story). haha

Joined: 2/4/2005
Msg: 43
How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 2/5/2005 8:25:49 PM
Oh, I kept busy. I cried until I busted a blood vessel in my eye, and then I cried cause my eye hurt. Move on. Something about that till death due us part thing makes it a little hard. Funny, I'm still living and he's still living and we're apart. Can I have a moment to grieve before I "move on"?
Joined: 12/24/2004
Msg: 44
view profile
How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 2/5/2005 10:44:45 PM
I don't think that it's wise to ask God to make us into someone that another person will love.
I think you have to leave that one alone. If a person loves us and wants to be with us, and the feelings are mutual, then it's a win. If it worked for a while but it doesn't now, thank them for not wasting any more of your time and for letting you go so that you can get on with the rest of your life. If we want love, the universe will provide. We need only wait for that which is ours.
The waters eventually become smooth. It is good to know the end result sometimes.
Joined: 7/13/2004
Msg: 45
How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 2/6/2005 1:10:48 AM
now.. i did not read the other post.. but i dont thin you can stop loving some one.. because when you love someone you give them a peice of your heart.. what they do with it( in my case stomp on it) is up to them.. but that piece is gone.. ahhh well... i chose unwisely..
Joined: 2/3/2005
Msg: 46
How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 2/6/2005 3:27:34 AM
a heart wants what a heart wants i cant say too much more than that you cant tell a heart what to do and you certainly cant make it think otherwise the way i see it once you love somebody you love them forever you can love them more than anything one day and just love them a little bit the next day thats the funny thing about love although its there sometimes it isnt as strong as wed like it to be sometimes its too strong however if you love her just let her go let her be happy and let her continue her life as for you life always brings about a point being eventually your heart will mend itself and you will be over her you may not completely stop loving her but you will love her less as time goes on you are doing the right thing here talking about your problem let all of us keep helping you and well keep trying to support you. keep your head up. we are your friends now.
Joined: 2/2/2005
Msg: 47
How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 2/6/2005 8:20:14 AM
I feel your pain I'm going through all most the same thing now 3 week ago on the morning of our 12th after makeing love my wife came to me and told me she had ben seen some one els and wanted a divorce I wish I could figure out how to do this myself
Joined: 2/6/2005
Msg: 48
How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 2/6/2005 7:13:14 PM
it's hard to move on after being with someone for a long time. but God has a plan and you have to keep going and trust he'll lead you on the right path!
Joined: 12/24/2004
Msg: 49
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How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 2/6/2005 9:26:11 PM
You are so right Piper.

I find that when you break up with someone part of the pain is saying goodbye to the dream of what that person could have been, not what it was, often. We say goodbye to what we wish it was, not what it really was...some times.

All we have is this moment. Right now. That is the only reality. And you will find that if you are sad, it is often because you are thinking about yesterday which you can do nothing about, or making your heart sore over worry about tomorrow.

Pain begets pain. Happy begets happy.

Behavioural therapy says, put a smile on your face and eventually you will grow into it.

There is always something to learn from how a relationship went. Always a theme. If you learn it right the first time, you won't have to repeat it. Try to spend more time on figuring THAT out, than dwelling on the pain and you will move on faster.

Always search for the beauty. Nomatter what, there is always beauty to notice. When I'm in a tough spot I always tell for the beauty. It may be small but it's there.
Joined: 2/4/2005
Msg: 50
view profile
How do you stop loving someone?
Posted: 2/7/2005 3:38:58 PM
Hey Mike, I feel for you. My wife left with another man 5 years ago. We were together 22 years and married for 18. Yes I still love her and always will. She was my life and I can't seem to move on.. it seems I feel I am betraying her when I try. She left our son and daughter and sees them maybe once a month because her boyfriend doesn't want her to be around them. She has a 3 year old daughter to him. He doesn't allow her to leave the house without him,he's 62 she's 40. She got herself in a real mess. But everything shows she's not the same person that I loved and married, still my feelings are the same. I wish there was a way to get someone out of your heart but I have to agree with most everyone else Love doesn't Die!
Good Luck Mike and stay strong!
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