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 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 72
LAT (Living Apart Together)Page 4 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)

If I was ever in a situation where I'm with someone and we agreed to maintain separate households, there's a rule I would have in my home: There is no keeping any of your stuff in my home for when you come over and possibly stay overnight-no spare toothbrush or make-up kept in my bathroom, no housecoat or clothing of any kind that's not mine kept in my closets. And I won't keep any of my stuff in her home. Bring an overnight bag with your essentials for any overnight stay and I will do the same. Only my personal belongings belong in my house and her stuff belongs in her home.

Why would this be different in a LAT situation? If you don't like someone's stuff in your house when they have their own living space why would it matter if you're going to move in together someday or not?

Another rule I would have is: I don't want unsolicited tips on how to better decorate my house. If I'm satisfied with how my house is set up, that's the way it's staying. If I'm unsure about where to put something or picking a paint color, I will ask for an opinion.

Of course. If you're never going to move into that particular space it shouldn't matter what the decor or situation is, unless there are hostages or animal sacrifice going on or a strip club in a private room, or something that would indicate you may not want to stay with the person in question. If the person keeps their home a certain way and you'll never live there, it doesn't matter - you can simply go home if you're not in the mood to be there.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 73
LAT (Living Apart Together)
Posted: 2/15/2014 8:24:37 AM

If you're never going to move into that particular space it shouldn't matter what the decor or situation is, unless...a strip club in a private room...


Gee, you sure know how to take the fun out of it.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 74
LAT (Living Apart Together)
Posted: 2/15/2014 9:16:36 AM
^^^ Hey I never said you couldn't do it, I said someone else won't have to deal with it - they can just leave, and lose your number if that's what they choose to do.
 professora
Joined: 7/28/2008
Msg: 75
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History
LAT (Living Apart Together)
Posted: 2/15/2014 7:27:06 PM
I lived alone for 20 years.

I wanted to find the "right person" and live with someone. I really enjoyed living with my husband so I thought eventually the "right" man would come along.

Erroneously, I thought older people would be more balanced and settled---making sharing a life together less challenging.

WRONG! I did meet someone and he moved in.

He wanted togetherness to the extent that I felt smothered. He chatted non stop and I would head to bed early just to get relief from his constant talking. If I was late from the beauty parlor he would go nuts....etc. I was on edge most of the relationship.

Now I welcome a LAT ----no more live ins.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 76
LAT (Living Apart Together)
Posted: 2/16/2014 6:32:55 AM

I was on edge most of the relationship.....Now I welcome a LAT ----no more live ins.


Letting a bad past experience control your current life is called baggage. You had a good experience-living with your husband, and a bad experience-living with someone who wasn't compatible with you. Yet, because of the bad experience, that is controlling your current life by putting up barriers and walls and declaring no one will ever invade your space again. Most men are looking for women who are baggage free. Someone who currently has issues because of a bad relationship in the past is too emotionally draining for a new partner and usually ends badly. Whose fault is it, that you chose to live with someone without taking the time to really know the person first?
 professora
Joined: 7/28/2008
Msg: 77
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History
LAT (Living Apart Together)-maleman
Posted: 2/16/2014 6:58:29 PM
Your words are true and I like opinions that challenge me.

I have no desire at this time to live with anyone again.

Then--recently ran into a long time friend-- & boyfriend from the past. We dated for 11 yrs and he was kind to my growing children. Then we parted bc he would not move in.

This caused us to break up.

After my recent unfortunate event, I welcomed this friend back b/c I would be comfortable with LAT--- only to learn that he NOW wants to live with someone.

He said all the nice things of how he missed me,etc. For the past 8 yrs he has written to me-- 3 times a year -- snail mail but I never considered us dating again.

I don't heart to tell him why I cant even discuss it living with someone.

I have baggage but I am also good by myself. I work, play, travel and more. Life is good:)
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 78
LAT (Living Apart Together)-maleman
Posted: 2/21/2014 8:33:54 AM
I can think of a situation where a LAT arrangement would be ideal. I've seen posts here and have heard people in real life say: "My ex is my best friend, and always will be. We just can't live together." If the only problem is not being able to live together, why divorce instead of trying a LAT arrangement, which is basically what they have already? I guess it's because they want to have the option of dating others since they're not living together, which would be a problem if they didn't divorce. But if they're announcing that, what makes them think Mr./Miss Perfect will come along and accept being at the bottom of the importance list?
 BelleAtlantic
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 79
LAT (Living Apart Together)-maleman
Posted: 2/21/2014 11:15:58 AM

I can think of a situation where a LAT arrangement would be ideal.


You ever have a family member who you love but you can only tolerate/have them in small doses? The love is very real, you would do anything for them, but in order for both to get along, you need a certain distance. It's all find and dandy as long as you're not in each others face for too long of a time.

# 1 You have a family member who loves to gossip and loves to ask you questions (to have material to gossip about). You love them to death but you don't want them in your house, and you want to be vague about your answers so it doesn't get around. You are essentially loving them from a certain distance, you are drawing boundaries in order to sustain the relationship.

#2 You have a family member (you two used to be really close growing up) but as both of you got into adulthood, you got into relationships/marriage and got children. While you two would love to spend a lot of time together, your responsibilities keep you from spending too time together. You're on the phone and little Susie goes "mommy, I need you too", you get the gist. Outside responsibilities make it so that you can't spend too much time together, in the same space.

#3 You have a family member that is entrenched in substance abuse or underground business, who you love them to death but you can't be around too often because of their choices in life. They need to live very far from you and visit very seldom, in order for you to stay safe.

These relationships are no different from real relationships.

1. Let's say one of them is a slob, and the other one is a neat-freak. They can be together but living together is too much of a clash so the slob can spend some time at the neat-freak's apartment, but long before making a mess there too.

2. Let's say you tend to beehives in your backyard/farm/garden, but your SO is allergic to bee stings (really bad reaction). He doesn't have to give up the hobby (bees are endangered nowadays), she just can't reside there. Same goes with pets.

It's about creating and upholding the necessary boundaries and limitations so that the relationship works. It's not sacrificing, its about compromising.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 80
LAT (Living Apart Together)-maleman
Posted: 2/21/2014 1:44:41 PM

Let's say one of them is a slob, and the other one is a neat-freak. They can be together but living together is too much of a clash so the slob can spend some time at the neat-freak's apartment, but long before making a mess there too.


That means they are not compatible, and should re-consider their relationship. If I'm dating someone who has bad habits or a life style I find intolerable, we would never get far and would probably stop dating that person. I am not going to lower my standards and settle for less than what I want, just so I can pound my chest and brag to people that I'm in a relationship.

If I'm in a serious. or semi-serious relationship with someone, chances are we're going to spend time together sharing the same residence from time to time-whether it's a weekend get-away. vacationing together, or just spending time together at home for a few days. If I'm at the point where I'm thinking to myself "I could never tolerate this long term. I'll be glad when she's at her place and I have my place to myself"-that's when it's time to re-evaluate the relationship.
 BelleAtlantic
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 81
LAT (Living Apart Together)-maleman
Posted: 2/21/2014 4:07:42 PM
Let me tell you a story,

I am any man's worst nightmare when it comes to the way that I live (which is one of the reasons why they can't live with me). I do absolutely no house chores, I pay other people do it. It's not that I don't have time or that I don't know how to clean, do laundry, cook, iron, take things to the dry cleaners, buy groceries, etc, it's that I rather do other things with my time. I rather kill myself on the stationary cycling bike at my gym, than clean a toilet. It really is that simple, I have better things to do, things that I enjoy. I can't learn anything from cleaning a toilet (other than which brand works best), so it's useless to me.

I buy everything in bulk (so I don't have to shop often), so my house looks like a dorm with crap piled up on one wall (3 huge cases of toilet paper, paper towels, q-tips, hand soap, shampoo and conditioner, tampons, tissue paper, pocket tissue, air freshner, matches, laundry detergent, baking soda, blades, shaving gel, wax, etc). My place looks crammed and all 3 closets are scrammed with clothes, jewelry, shoes, athletic gear, yoga mats, water bottles, tumblers, sugar scrubs, make up, nail polish, and all girly things you can imagine. There is absolutely no space for a man to put anything and I'm not throwing anything away as nothing in there is garbage. I certainly could not buying so much crap (to avoid buying crap often), but I don't even want to think about having to spend time acquiring household necessities.

And when I go food shopping once a month (BJ's Wholesale club), you can't even see what the dinning table actually looked like, because the whole thing will be full of fruits, veggies, nuts, etc. And forget about the fridge, lol.

My ex always poked fun that he never needed anything in his home (because I'd supply it), and he couldn't stay too many days in my house (aside from the fact that I'm not a cable subscriber), because there really wasn't any room for him. Meanwhile, I had a full dresser at his house, closet space, he always stocked the fridge with my favorites, he bought a flat pillow just for me, lol. I stayed about a whole 2 weeks over at his house once, and he got annoyed that I didn't clean something (I think it was the bathroom), and I told him "I don't clean my own f*cking house and you know it, what made you think I'd clean yours? All you had to say was that you wanted it cleaned and I would have called the company that cleans my house to come to do it". He was flipping backwards when he had an important meeting once and I ironed this shirt and pants, he was like "omg, you f*cking b*tch, you know how to do things and don't do them, what's next?", I said "well, I was thinking of making dinner and dessert but that might cause you to get used to it, so scratch that!". I did cook, he couldn't get enough but he gave me the dirtiest look ever (as he always cooked for me), "you can actually cook" is what I heard. He was under the impression that I didn't know how to cook, for the like the first 3-4 years, lol. I was under the impression that I'd never measure up to his mom's cooking (her food was restaurant quality), so I had discouraged myself from attempting to make anything.

It was the joke of the year, but we had many moments like that. I'd surprise him with things (since he knows I'm allergic to house chores), I'd do things here and there. I cleared out a drawer in my house for him, and that was the joke of that year, lol. We had really funny moments and we'd crack jokes all the time.

Anything can work if both want it to work. If I apply your logic to my last relationship (which lasted 8.5 years), we wouldn't have lasted a year. We were compatible in every which way except for our living styles.
 fieryredhead77
Joined: 12/17/2012
Msg: 82
LAT (Living Apart Together)-maleman
Posted: 2/21/2014 4:31:19 PM
^^I think you may be my long lost twin, lol.

I have a sister who lives half a mile away from me. I pay her to cook for me. I did all the womanly house stuff when I was married, and don't plan on doing it ever again. I would rather be single than make food for an ungrateful partner again. Not that I think all men are ungrateful, I just won't chance it.
 Westernguy
Joined: 2/14/2014
Msg: 83
LAT (Living Apart Together)-maleman
Posted: 2/21/2014 5:30:10 PM

I do absolutely no house chores, I pay other people do it. It's not that I don't have time or that I don't know how to clean, do laundry, cook, iron, take things to the dry cleaners, buy groceries, etc, it's that I rather do other things with my time. I rather kill myself on the stationary cycling bike at my gym, than clean a toilet. It really is that simple, I have better things to do, things that I enjoy. I can't learn anything from cleaning a toilet (other than which brand works best), so it's useless to me.


Exactly and yet ... this just won't fly with most women ... sadly...


Westernguy
 BelleAtlantic
Joined: 11/7/2012
Msg: 84
LAT (Living Apart Together)-maleman
Posted: 2/21/2014 7:13:36 PM
Firery,

Not all partners are ungrateful, so don't give up.

Western,

What do you mean? Like a woman would look down on a man for outsourcing house chores, and choosing to pay over doing it?

The only thing I'd see with that is if you never knew how to do household chores, but if you know, and are just outsourcing, then a woman doesn't have to worry about you helping out (with chores) if cash gets low and neither can afford it.
 ATXcool
Joined: 8/17/2015
Msg: 85
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History
LAT (Living Apart Together)-maleman
Posted: 12/22/2015 8:27:52 AM
From reading the book and agreeing with this sort of lifestyle (to each his or her own..right?) it reinforces the POV that you can still love someone who is a "slob" and you are a "neat freak" , you can still love and want to be committed to someone who wants to live in a loft in the city, while you want to live in the burbs...basically just because you have different lifestyles, yo can still love and be with one another...a situation in where you don't have to "push" your lifestyle onto your mate...and instead of arguing about dishes in the sink, you can be planning an awesome date and focusing more on having a loving relationship instead of "sweating the small stuff" that many live in couples are faced with...and which can deteriorate the quality of their relationship..

SO this is an viable option for those who don't wish to live with someone, but who want to have a loving relationship with someone who feels the same.
 PBR_Gal
Joined: 1/25/2017
Msg: 86
LAT (Living Apart Together)
Posted: 2/22/2017 11:03:21 AM
Really? Here in the good ole US we call that dating. Some may claim to be in a relationship, but why must people in a relationship or dating need to live in the same place. You live with the one your gonna marry.. Not many 20 some yr olds will marry the one they are currently with.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 7/1/2016
Msg: 87
LAT (Living Apart Together)
Posted: 2/22/2017 11:17:58 AM
Here in the good ole US, older adults who have homes, often
times choose not sell them when they enter a relationship.
Maybe they're holding onto the house for their family, maybe they
like their own space, maybe after years of being married, they like
the idea of living alone. That doesn't mean they don't want a
relationship. It doesn't work for everyone, but it is a thing.

And sometimes you live with someone you don't marry.
Financial reasons, convenience, companionship.
Rules change, times change. People do what works best for them.
 PBR_Gal
Joined: 1/25/2017
Msg: 88
LAT (Living Apart Together)
Posted: 2/22/2017 12:01:36 PM
my uncle remarried in his 70's and they live in 2 separate places. her in Seattle, him in Zillah. They spend a weekend here and there together but for the most part she wants to be near her adult kids and he doesn't want to leave his home. And yes your correct that is alot of why older people with homes do it like that. I was referring to people in their 20's cuz the OP said a percentage of the people in their 20"s was the highest and it just struck me as funny cuz we call it dating here not living apart.
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