Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Roommate having her boyfriend over constantly?      Home login  
Joined: 3/1/2006
Msg: 26
Roommate having her boyfriend over constantly?Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)

Actually, if the other roommate had someone over constantly it WOULD bother me. I just don't think that's right. One or two times a week - fine. I understand. But her boyfriend has his own apartment, and I see no reason they cannot stay there too.

And you're right. It's HER place to live. But not his. In my opinion. Hence, my asking for advice to see if I am off base or not.
Joined: 6/9/2004
Msg: 27
Roommate having her boyfriend over constantly?
Posted: 3/22/2006 10:02:09 AM
I personally think it's just plain strange to have an ex living with you..
It's great your just friends.....but why give her cheep rent?
Hummmmm...just plain wierd .
Joined: 3/22/2006
Msg: 28
Roommate having her boyfriend over constantly?
Posted: 3/22/2006 10:08:12 AM

Just one question how are you copeing and dealing with the fact that your ex is your roommate and she invites her "NEW" boyfriend over alot (mostly everynight) knowing you
two use to, be togeather and have feelings for one another.?

It has to be hard on your part especialy if you still care and love her (even if its as friends) i don't think i could be strong enough to let my ex boyfriend and his new girlfriend live with me knowing how good, things was when we USE to date.
Joined: 10/11/2005
Msg: 29
Roommate having her boyfriend over constantly?
Posted: 3/22/2006 10:16:58 AM
Ah room-mates, God love 'em because I sure as hell don't

When I first moved to my new hometown I lived with a friend of a friend for 6 months - nice guy, kind, polite and considerate... Unfortunately his ex-girlfriend was an obsessed woman that just would not accept their break-up, and kept coming back to sleep with him. My room-mate being a bit of a lazy man when it comes to romantic pursuits, saw this free sex as a golden blessing.

Unfortunately for me this became a regular thing, with her coming by a couple of times a week, and eventually escalated to an almost daily basis. I don't mind giving up the sofa & living room TV from time-to-time because they're a couple and naturally want to curl up in front of a movie and I was single at the time, but it was the manner in which her presence began to cut into my personal time that I took offense to... I started having to wait for my turn for the bathroom because she's in there for half an hour; I'd wake up to make breakfast and she's already there cooking away their post-f@*k meal, so I'd have to sit and starve quietly for another 30 minutes.

It got to the point I occasionally came home to find her there before my room-mate had even made it home from work! This chick is in our apartment with MY stuff exposed and potentially open to use/theft. It was at that point I promptly got my stuff packed up and moved the hell out. If she was paying rent I would keep my mouth shut, but when i moved in I moved in with HIM, not the TWO of them. In your case you have it easy, it's YOUR place. If she feels you're being a jerk when you politely confront her about it (and I hope you do soon), give her the boot with some notice.
Joined: 3/1/2006
Msg: 30
Roommate having her boyfriend over constantly?
Posted: 3/22/2006 10:20:55 AM
When they first got together, and he started staying at my place (and she stayed there), it was difficult. See, before she met him we were best friends. Hung out a lot, and were extremely close. We both understood the intensity of our friendship would diminish somewhat once one of us found a significant other. But we allowed it to be abnormally strong at first, so we both had a "transition" period out of our relationship.

But what I found was that after she started being with him, that she's barely acted like a friend at all anymore. So the difficult part was not just her finding someone else; that was expected. But losing a very close friend almost instantly was hard to deal with.

The guy is actually alright. He treats her very well, and he's totally respectful to me. (With staying every night being the possible exception) It's actually nice to see her with someone who really loves her. Something I had difficulty giving her.....
Joined: 3/9/2006
Msg: 31
Roommate having her boyfriend over constantly?
Posted: 3/22/2006 10:27:55 AM

I am a guy that has lived shared accomodation alot while saving money for travelling.

There is one gereral rule that i had learned from my elders... One twenty four hour visit and then three days off.

It is as simple as that. Shared accomodation living is for singles, not for couples. When people are a steady couple then they are a different entity and should seek their own privacy.

At all times the guest must be considerate to all the tenants or risk blacklisting because the people with the rights are the people who live there.

If they want to pay rent as a couple and if this arrangement is acceptable for all involved than a compromise can be made. That compromise can also include a piece of the extra profit to go to the other single roommate who is not the owner to cover the delays of washroom, maybe go to a movie to get away from the extra crowd, and so on.

There are many ways to overcome the stress of this situation and i am sure you will find a way.

You have every right to feel how you do, and voicing it is the only solution. Someone does not have a right to live every night in the quarters of a shared accomodation situation.

Joined: 3/22/2006
Msg: 32
Roommate having her boyfriend over constantly?
Posted: 3/22/2006 10:28:05 AM

I understand it better now and i know how you must been feeling and felt the guy i was with we broke up because of this woman in her late/late 40s and she treated him like a "puppy" it was like she had, some sort of "hold" over him and anything she said/done was "fine" i could look in his eyes and KNOW he was NOT happy.

But i guess he was afraid of what she would do or end up doing to some people including him.

Your post reminded me of alot of the thing i went through for 2years and even tho it was hell, because of that woman i still did NOT give up on him.

Best of luck and i am sorry for takeing up your fourm.
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 33
view profile
Roommate having her boyfriend over constantly?
Posted: 3/22/2006 10:30:56 AM
One quick question ... how many hours per day would you estimate he is there? If he is “basically living there” then you have a legitimite gripe.

But I’ll tell you now, no matter what the situation is, people are going to view your problem with this arrangement as being a product of jealousy.

But I have been in a situation kind of like yours. I had four roommates in college. Two of them had GFs that “basically” lived with us. One was a saint. She cleaned the house all the time, would cook us dinner and was into having a good time regardless of what the guys in the house were doing. She was great and fit right in like the rest of us - she made it a better to live.

The other one was a total biotch. When we had parties and guests would be there until 4 a.m. or so, she would **** and complain that it was too loud and people needed to go home, she’d take over the TV, tell us we were lazy for playing video games and told us we drank too much. It got to the point where we had to tell our roommate that she was no longer welcome for longer than a couple or so hours per day.

Bottom line is, it’s your place and you should feel comfortable being there.
Joined: 3/1/2006
Msg: 34
Roommate having her boyfriend over constantly?
Posted: 3/22/2006 10:36:25 AM
That's a good point. How long is he staying there.

Well, he gets off work around 5:00. So he's at my place at 5:15. Then I leave for work before he gets up to go to work. So basically, the entire weekday I am at home - he's there. Unless he and her are out for a movie, dinner, etc.

On the weekends, I wake up and he's usually in the kitchen cooking breakfast with her. Then he'll stick around through the entire day, and go to sleep with her.

So when I say he's basically staying with us, I mean it. He actually IS living with us. On more than one occasion, he's had to drive home so he can replenish his clothes supply. Then he drives back. (Happened last night actually)

I almost cheered that I had a break from him spending the night. Until I saw his shoes in my foyer this morning.
 Summer Teeth
Joined: 3/9/2006
Msg: 35
Roommate having her boyfriend over constantly?
Posted: 3/22/2006 10:37:02 AM
Sceptik--I think it's great that you are happy she has found someone, but in order for you to move on, don't you have to gain some distance from the situation?

I won't talk about the logistics or the financial matters anymore, but EMOTIONALLY this doesn't seem like a fair situation for you . . .
 my daughter and i
Joined: 2/11/2006
Msg: 36
Roommate having her boyfriend over constantly?
Posted: 3/22/2006 10:46:47 AM
i'm just answering the OP, sorry if i repeat anything that has been said allready...but i have experiences with this topic and wanted to give my two cents without getting too deep into it.

the rent in this case should be splitt 3 ways along with the utility bills (dont forget the TV and internet bill, she is using that too).
"is she being inconsiderate" i'm sorry to tell you that i think that you where a little incosiderate by letting her stay... after all she could let it look like a common law relationship and kick YOU out and keep everything...

i think she is using you, get a real roommate.

Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 37
view profile
Roommate having her boyfriend over constantly?
Posted: 3/22/2006 10:49:05 AM
Yeah, I would say he IS living with you. That should be addressed directly.

But I also have to agree with summer, for your own mental health I would suggest you ask that she moves out. That has to be taxing.
Joined: 3/2/2006
Msg: 38
Roommate having her boyfriend over constantly?
Posted: 3/22/2006 10:51:37 AM
Sceptik, it seems pretty clear that you are bothered more by his intrusion than by the fact that he is with your ex, so here's a suggestion. It's a bit iffy, since it might make your ex feel like you're ganging up on her, but she IS NOT being considerate.

Talk to your other room-mate and ask him how he feels about having an extra person over all the time. Emphasize the fact that you're bothered by being crowded out of your own house, and that it is not a matter of jealousy (or that jealousy isn't the main factor). If he agrees with you, then the two of you should have a little adult chat with your ex and explain that it's a living space for 3, not for 4, and that she should be reducing the time he spends there. If she doesn't realize how annoying it can be, then give her notice.

I know you're worried about the friendship, but she's over-stepped her boundaries. It is after all your house, and since you are the landlord, you can impose certain rules.

I don't think you're out of line at all: when I was in university, I had a roommate my freshman year, and her bf was ALWAYS there. It was annoying, since I had to spend a lot of time studying elsewhere, and I wish I had the guts back then to tell her that I was paying for the room and he wasn't, so he wasn't welcome when I was around. So the next year, I became floor supervisor and had my room. *Poof* Bullsh*t gone. If you scrounged up for a place of your own, you might just as well enjoy it.
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 39
Roommate having her boyfriend over constantly?
Posted: 3/22/2006 10:52:53 AM
It's only inconderate if he is eating food you have bought, showering or using other resources that you would have to pay 1/2 for. Other than that it's a normal roommate thing.

Remember she's a roommate not an ex and if you still think of her as an ex than it's best to kick her out.
Joined: 8/19/2005
Msg: 40
Roommate having her boyfriend over constantly?
Posted: 3/22/2006 10:57:55 AM
Beyond any feelings, or lack thereof, between the OP and his gf, beyond having an extra, uninvited, body sharing one’s personal space… I’m thinking of the extra cost involved in having this full-time-body using the facilities.

I had a roomie for a few months recently and the gas bill alone went up an extra $150 per billing period during her stay.

I think ex is being inconsiderate, perhaps “insensitive” is a better word. But as others have stated (particularly if she’s never owned a house), she might not even be aware of the extra burden on the house her bf is causing.
Joined: 2/24/2006
Msg: 41
Roommate having her boyfriend over constantly?
Posted: 3/22/2006 10:59:40 AM

We moved in after breaking up, and are simply friends now. For this situation, I do not need advice. But my problem is that she has been dating a new guy for almost two months now. In the last two weeks, he has been at my place virtually every evening, and stays over almost every single night. Now, because she's my ex it makes things a little awkward and I don't feel particularly comfortable in my own house at times.

Well, since you don't need advice, then why ask your question. Seems obvious. You chose to live with her, now you have to deal with the consequences of your choice. For every choice, there is a consequence. She's no different than any other roommate, had you been living with a girl who wasn't your ex would you be here complaining? No. So just because she is your ex, why are the rules different for her when it is YOU that chose to live with her?
Joined: 3/2/2006
Msg: 42
view profile
Roommate having her boyfriend over constantly?
Posted: 3/22/2006 11:56:35 AM
OP: This is my opinion: Simply put, she is using you for a place to stay cheaply and also rubbing the breakup in your face. If I were you, I would tell her to get out asap or I would bring a date over and see how she felt about it. Just some thoughts........
Joined: 3/1/2006
Msg: 43
Roommate having her boyfriend over constantly?
Posted: 3/22/2006 12:17:09 PM
Hey Completekaos:

If you actually took the time to read the rest of the thread, you would answer your own questions.

Thanks to everyone who responded (intelligently). The general thought, save for a few entries, is that it is not acceptable for him to be staying as long as he is. The secondary concept most people are providing is that it would likely be better for her to move out - despite the fact that her rent money is welcome. If I need the money that badly (which I don't really), I could always get another roommate.

Thanks again.
Joined: 10/20/2005
Msg: 44
Roommate having her boyfriend over constantly?
Posted: 3/22/2006 12:40:11 PM
hehehe... I JUST went through the same thing.. well he wasnt an ex but a friend was living with me. His "friend" was spending the night 6 out of 7 nights and was making me feel like it wasnt my house anymore.

I recommend sitting down with her. Say you would like to discuss a few things. Make sure it is clear that you are not jelous (i was accused of this!!!) and just mention to her that you feel it isnt fair to have him there all the time. See what happens... GOOD Luck
 Summer Teeth
Joined: 3/9/2006
Msg: 45
Roommate having her boyfriend over constantly?
Posted: 3/22/2006 1:06:13 PM
EB1--So I guess that the solution for the both of you would be for you two to hook up with each other . . .
Joined: 2/8/2006
Msg: 46
Roommate having her boyfriend over constantly?
Posted: 3/22/2006 1:09:13 PM
Ask her if he intends on paying rent. When you are sharing a limited space that space needs to be respected. I don't think that she is taking advantage of the situation because the two of you really haven't set any boundaries. Set some boundaries if you aren't comfortable with your arrangement, just be careful she doesn't get defensive and think that you are just being jealous.
Joined: 2/24/2006
Msg: 47
Roommate having her boyfriend over constantly?
Posted: 3/22/2006 1:11:15 PM
I did read the whole thread but thanks for checking up on me. And I don't have any questions, your situation is clear to me. You chose this arrangement and now it doesn't quite "suit" you, here you are. So it's your house, boot her out then. It's obvious the reason it "annoys" you so, doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that. Beware though, the new applicants for roommate might not take kindly to you censoring who they can see and when and for how long.
Joined: 12/9/2005
Msg: 48
Roommate having her boyfriend over constantly?
Posted: 3/22/2006 1:42:22 PM
well i read yours and some other post not all. Cause i want to give you my thoughts and not blend it in with someone elses..Well first you guy weren't getting along with each other for whatever reason when you were going out. Fine it happens But having her move in as a "renter" was a bad move Friends..Guys/gals doesn't matter there that hey it cool i can do this are that..(was there ground rules layied out before rent was payied?) hell even a "sock on the door" heres 20 bucks go grab a movie..One more thing thinking ahead for you (did you and her sign a rental agreement? tell me it wasn't a verbal.. Look Tell her if this guy plans on staying every night i rented you a 1 bedroom on the idea that it was just the one person staying it it and the rent was set to one person I.E hydro space food etc ..then you decide if you want to raise the rent and have him there (which i think you don't like the idea of him staying there period not cause him but because of her..theres still something there..i could be wrong) are give her 30 days/ 60 days notice in writing and copied. look at the landlord tennant act in your city the reason i say that is cause shes going to get pissed off and your going to have to cover you butt you might not even be in a zone where you are aloud to rent a place out etc little things like that will bite ya. if all that covered i assume it is you seem smart just wear you heart on your sleave..been there set up a room 4 rent add and kick her out tell to live at bobos house...what i don't understand is bobo? he's dating a chick thats living with her ex..i'd be wondering why the rent so cheap then kick her to the curb
Joined: 2/17/2006
Msg: 49
Roommate having her boyfriend over constantly?
Posted: 3/22/2006 2:00:05 PM
ok.. here it is.. WAKE UP...holy cow. this is a business deal...$$$ being exchanged. get the b.f to split the rend. you now have a 3 way split. get a contract written up with the new terms. if u can't do this..or throw them out.. u r a whimp and stop the complaining. grow up and act like an adult.
Joined: 3/1/2006
Msg: 50
Roommate having her boyfriend over constantly?
Posted: 3/22/2006 2:31:57 PM
Woah Coca. What's with the aggression? I know you live in New York, but come on - I'm not the enemy here.

1) We don't have a 3-way split. I own the place. Again, if people actually read the thread...
2) Complaining? I'm not complaining. I asked a question where I requested advice.
3) I'm just trying to establish a fair and reasonable solution to this issue for all parties involved. I don't think my inquiry of other's opinions constitutes immaturity.
4) It's not that I can't "do this". "This" has not been an issue until the last two weeks. Now that is has become an issue, I am going to rectify it.

After reading your "advice" in the other forums, it's pretty clear to see you participate only to boost your own ego and put others down. Ever consider writing to actually HELP people rather than to tear them down when they already have a problem? You'd be surprised how fulfilling it can be to be kind. Just a thought.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Roommate having her boyfriend over constantly?