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 mariacba
Joined: 5/20/2007
Msg: 1012
So you want a second chance?Page 24 of 57    (17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57)
Jarbarian
I support you in this unpleasant situation. For me it is a wonderful thread, I've recommended it to some of my friends,I have also translated it into spanish for some of them. People can take it or leave it.Those who liked your thread outweighed the numbers of those who didn't so... your aim is fulfilled!Is there anything more rewarding than helping others???.
Regards and all the best to you.
mariacba
 Ron9
Joined: 8/10/2004
Msg: 1028
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 12/13/2008 10:40:31 AM
I had it bad. Twenty three years of - having it bad.

I had to fight fight fight to beat her down - out of my wishes. Out of my hopes.

FIVE YEARS ...... yeah I know - taking five years is ....... well there is just no words for that.

I had been making some progress - then fall backs - then some deeper progress - then some fall backs.

It took me five years because the first three years was ......... “go away - no come back” signals from her. She would come over and (you know) called me often .... yadda yadda yadda.

Then I stopped picking up the phone (I never called her) - that was a big step.

BUT ........ about twice a year (while feeling really down) I would call her. Big mistake - she would give me some ..... hope or something.

I called her last December and ...... she made the biggest “yes - we would be well suited - we know each other - we like each other” - more more more - jabber. BUT ...... her company was selling out and her big azz job was going to be gone. She needed to put getting another job with the (big paycheck) same type of money. She needed to focus on that and nothing else first.

One year later (about two weeks ago) I called her again (a year later).

I started picking up (because I was looking for them) “items”. Items to add to my “Why in the world would I want her back” list.

1. (this was big big big to me) I ask her - how long had it been since we actually saw each other. She said “about a year” .......... It had been almost three years ..................

Needless to say ..... that was a huge “just where am I on your list of important people”.

2. Because I convinced her to stay and stay at her job - due to her long long connection (24 years) with one of the principles - she landed a big job with that man - in his other business. I had worked on her for four years about how important staying with him (he is a Doctor)

Twenty four years of rapport with a successful business - DOES pay off in a case like this.

So her big azz “excuse” from a year ago ------ was gone. She was doing the “yes - we should” again but ........

I got off the phone and typed out a long ass email (never did that before) pointing out how silly I had been trying to get her back for five years. She was right ............ I was wrong. She did not love me and I was silly for all the hope. “I will try not to contact you again”.

AND I MEANT IT

I was out of reasons. Totally out of reasons to want her back.

I ask myself “why would I want her back” ......... I had ZERO answer for myself.

Being lonely (no other female in my life) was the last hold out reason ...... now that reason was no longer good enough.

GUESS WHAT?

Now she is sending the emails ..........

Sorry lady ........... it is way way way too late.

-----------------------------

Stop rationalizing ...... just stop rationalizing.

Then think about how they REALLY treated you. Forget the “good parts” screw that ....... think about the REAL parts.

Ask yourself .....

“Why would I want them back?”

Be honest with yourself - stop the lonely excuse - think about how they REALLY treated you.

----------------

Why in the world - would I want her back. I don’t.
 mitchchan
Joined: 12/4/2008
Msg: 1030
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 12/21/2008 10:19:57 AM
Great advice OP... Time and distance is all we need, never forget the lessons, move on, and hopefully you learn from your mistakes...

It was HIS choice to end the relationship - It will be his lost that he didn't get the chance to prove that I am still a good person inside.

A good guy will know not to lose or take a good woman like me for granted.
 Cynderella
Joined: 3/8/2007
Msg: 1034
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History
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 1/7/2009 12:08:28 PM
Some things are better off left alone.

Come on new life...I love myself now!
 GWSmith
Joined: 12/18/2008
Msg: 1050
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 4/9/2009 3:15:29 AM
I don;t do second chances. In all my relationships but one I was the breaker, they are ex lovers/girlfriends for a clear and determined reason and they will remain so for that reason. I am friends with some of them now but I would never get romantic with them ever again.
 PirateJohn09
Joined: 1/7/2009
Msg: 1055
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History
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 4/9/2009 7:17:14 PM

DO YOU BELIEVE THAT THIS FORUM HAS 52 PAGES OF SO YOU WANT A SECOND CHANCE...

How sad is that...

Oh, don't be so harsh.... Give this thread another chance!
 leanco
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 1090
view profile
History
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 6/18/2009 1:26:54 PM

If you love and respect yourself you simply walk away from people who take you for granted. If they'll do it now, they'll do it again in the future. Besides, if they really wanted to be with you, neither hell nor high water would stop them from finding you. You don't have to pursue them, they'll find you.


In the end, this is what it really all comes down to.

Second chance is HIGHLY OVERRATED! Why give that person another free shot at breaking your heart? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...
 wendy_2008
Joined: 7/3/2009
Msg: 1091
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 7/28/2009 12:23:03 AM
that's a pretty cool post. i noticed it was posted in 2006. it's now Jul 2009. has of any of you or anyone you know tried with these guidelines and actually got their exes back?

thanks. Wendy
 CyrusOne
Joined: 7/16/2009
Msg: 1112
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/4/2009 2:52:02 PM
If by some random act of nature... someone decides to give you a second chance, I say you change what you did wrong and keep it that way... it's hard for people to give second chances sometimes.

I gave my ex a second chance once... and I learned my lesson. Would I do it again? I don't know really... it would depend on the one I'm with.

If I did something wrong like cheat... I wouldn't expect a second one. I mean once I screw up like that with someone I'm with, I think it's best for me to leave... the person won't trust me the same again... so why not just cut it then and there?
 Opequon
Joined: 5/27/2009
Msg: 1114
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History
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/5/2009 8:21:19 AM
Excellent post with some really sound advise. Second chances are a tough call. It all depends on the circumstances. I believe most relationships can be repaired, even when one side cheated. But it won't be easy. The person that cheated has to realize 1) they damaged the love and broke the trust the other person had for them; 2) repairing both is going to take a lot of hard work on their part. I find most people that had cheated don't have the resolve to put in the work to repairing a relationship. Contrary what one person's post stated, most people never learn from their mistakes. Either because they are a wired that way or their past has so broken them they cannot fix themselves without professional help.
 curlygrl
Joined: 11/8/2006
Msg: 1121
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 9/13/2009 3:04:41 PM

When and if he resolves his commitment issues maybe, just maybe I will listen.


No.
No contact is to get you to take the time to look at YOU and see that YOU
deserve so much more than someone elses crumbs-

What do you want - YOU want to be the one he comes back to after he
has exhausted ALL his possibilities with someone else- and all that is
left is YOU who will put up with his bullshit - NO.

YOU want to be the one who can look him in the eye and tell him to
fcck off- you dont need him, his games and the crummy life he has
offered you.

YOU have a new life with loads of self esteem and self worth- and you love
yourself- completely. NOW you can find that other half that loves you
just as much back.

No contact is for YOU - not for HIM.
 zinc_09
Joined: 4/16/2009
Msg: 1127
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/6/2009 9:27:45 PM
My ex-husband wants a second chance. Or rather, he wants to be friends in the the hope that it will lead to us getting back together.

I'm so torn.

Part of me is stilll angry and hurt at the way that he treated me. But another part acknowledges that until the end we were happy - and we *both* made mistakes: our break up wasn't entirely his fault.

When I consider giving him another chance, a voice in my head tells me I'm being weak and stupid and that I should never speak to him again.

When I consider never speaking to him again, a voice in my head tells me I'm being proud and stubborn and that I should accept that he made a mistake and forgive him.

I wishes one of these voices would shut up.
 zinc_09
Joined: 4/16/2009
Msg: 1129
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/7/2009 7:20:47 AM
dave1234 wrote

What can you lose by trying again, by investing a few extra months in a relationship that, overall, worked well for you?

Sit down with him and tell him what's bothering you. Tell him why you're angry and hurt.

You have a choice. You can discuss the anger and hurt, overcome it and regain what you lost. Or you can spend the next 2 or 3 or 4 years searching for someone until you convince yourself that being alone is just great knowing deep down inside all you'll be doing is lying to yourself.


On the one hand I completely agree with you - given a choice I'd rather be happily in a relationship than happily single - but as for the 'what have you got to lose' question - I guess it's taken me 2 years to get over our break up and get to the point where I'm happy with my life and confident enough to be dating again. I worry that giving him another opportunity - even just meeting for dinner, let alone "a few months" will simply be going backwards. The divorce is final and logic tells me to walk away.
 leanco
Joined: 12/7/2006
Msg: 1131
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History
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/8/2009 12:30:39 AM
On the one hand I completely agree with you - given a choice I'd rather be happily in a relationship than happily single - but as for the 'what have you got to lose' question - I guess it's taken me 2 years to get over our break up and get to the point where I'm happy with my life and confident enough to be dating again. I worry that giving him another opportunity - even just meeting for dinner, let alone "a few months" will simply be going backwards. The divorce is final and logic tells me to walk away.


The problem with giving someone a second chance is that you are always the one taking on huge risk on a long shot proposition.

As you said, you have already moved on. It took two years for you to get back to being happy again. If you allow your ex-husband to even be friends, you risk reopening up old wounds. Worse, if you get back into a relationship with him and he ends up leaving you again, your heartache will be twice as bad. For not only are you back to square one and have gone backward for two years, but knowing that you have let the same person hurt you twice would be a very tough pill to swallow.

Second chance is way overrated. It's important to recognize that for the lucky few who has succeeded in reconnecting with an ex, a great number more didn't. Worse still, the experience can leave a deep scar that often takes many more years to recover. There is no shortage of threads in this forum about those dreadful on-again-off-again relationships, and how utterly time-wasting and debilitating the whole exercise was.


Or you can spend the next 2 or 3 or 4 years searching for someone until you convince yourself that being alone is just great knowing deep down inside all you'll be doing is lying to yourself.

If being alone was so great dating services wouldn't be springing up on line. People wouldn't be getting in line to pay money every month just to meet people. I suspect even the most jaded have a secret wish they could meet someone. Otherwise, why are they spending time and money looking? (Just for the record this does not apply to me as I make it clear I am married.)

Ego has been the downfall of many wo/men. Be careful not to fall victim to it.


I am not sure how many people think in this line. I know for sure I don't. I much rather expend the efforts in finding someone new who may be a match for me than to take on the huge risk of reconnecting with an ex. I give my all in every relationship and I wouldn't hesitate to do it again, but for me, one heartache per person is more than enough. This does not make me jaded. I am merely taking care of my emotional wellbeing by not subjecting myself to extraneous risks. It has nothing to do with ego.
 zinc_09
Joined: 4/16/2009
Msg: 1133
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/8/2009 7:52:38 AM
Thank you all for your advice.

For the record, he was unfaithful and that was the begining of the end of our marriage.

I've decided not to give him another chance - I think quite simply, I would never be able to truly trust him again, and whatismore I'm happy enough without him. I think I'd rather start again and hope that next time round I find someone better.
 Ron9
Joined: 8/10/2004
Msg: 1145
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/7/2009 9:05:50 AM
Relationships should (and need to) be equal.

Both sides need to be totally - counting their blessings to have the other in their life.

It is 11:00 am on Saturday. I could pick up the phone and have my ex-wife out on a "date" ...... if not today, within 2 or 3 days at the most. We would just end up in bed.

Since I have no interest in a FWB .... I don't pick up the phone.

She just up and dumped me six years ago - total shock. Both of her daughters that we had just raised (adults by then) were also totally shocked.

After being married to her for 17 years and three more years of >>> bed (she would just come over). I finally stopped picking up the phone when she called.

(read the first line again)

She would always feel she had the upper hand.

The main thought in this thread is ... KILL THE CONTACT.

Personally I will never (never ever) be lonely enough to knowingly be in a lop sided relationship ........... never.

If they did it once ..................
 kangaroos6969
Joined: 7/2/2010
Msg: 1152
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 7/5/2010 8:55:43 PM
By the time I read this blog from 1 through 56, I almost got over my ex. It helped me understand a lot of things about him. I do agree that you just have to let them go if they want to go, because there is NO WAY you can keep anyone.

Jasbarian, you are an inspiration, I hope you are busy with a wonderful woman in your life!

I don't know if this blog will continue, but there is no point sharing my story if nobody is here to listen.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 1162
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 4/6/2011 11:55:40 AM

Like i said things were great and then one argument and it all fell apart while im deployed so in the mean time shes moving out and im still away. Was thinking maybe Ill just see how things are when I get home but I doubt she goes out of her way to talk to me since the only time she does is when she needs something.


It's interesting to me that she talks about you lying and cheating and that she now
has trust issues and you talk about small arguments and working out differences.
She breaks up with you to focus on healing herself and at some point you guys have
a conversation and you mention seeing someone else.

I don't know...should I start singing? She broke up with you because apparently
she was hurt (just guessing from her letter) and you let her know that you've already
moved on. Why are you even wondering what's wrong or what to do? I'd keep up
the no contact so she can move on as well.
 minpinz
Joined: 10/24/2011
Msg: 1166
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/26/2011 3:00:05 PM
Your advice is great but some people don't realize that no contact isn't about getting your ex back its all about YOU and learning to love yourself again to heal and become a better person. Some mistake it for the magical formula that will bring their ex back to them. NC doesn't always work like that, and not for every situation.
Also second chances are only possible if you're healed, let go of the old relationship and learned from your mistakes. Otherwise it won't work if you haven't learned a thing and the same problems arise that make them walk again.
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 1167
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/26/2011 3:43:20 PM

have you ever seen a sequal that was even as good as the original ?
I cant think of one, and that will go for 'remakes' too.


John Carpenter's remake of "The Thing" was pretty good.
But I'll admit, good sequels/remakes are *really* rare.
 minpinz
Joined: 10/24/2011
Msg: 1168
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/26/2011 3:56:12 PM
John Carpenter's remake of "The Thing" was pretty good.
But I'll admit, good sequels/remakes are *really* rare.

oh god my favorite movie of all time, yes it was amazing
the prequel didn't impress me though


anyway here's my two cents about second chances...........
in order for a second chance to work BOTH of you need to learn from your mistakes. Taking the time being separated allows you to reflect on what happened while you are healing and learn from those mistakes. Most people always try to pick up where they left off and thats not going to work. You're supposed to start new leaving the old relationship and its problems behind.
 the.ties.that.bind
Joined: 3/24/2014
Msg: 1171
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History
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 3/30/2014 2:07:45 PM
Hey man, read your advice on second chances... thought it was really good stuff. Need a bit of advice. I am a male, 23 years old, and I was with this girl for around 3 years, age 18-21.

1st year was long distance, we met in my city, started seeing each other, and then she moved abroad. Things worked out, however, and I went to visit her over there, and then she came back. Unfortunately, I had some unresolved health problems, ie. depression and I was big pot head, and the relationship really suffered as a result. I really resonated with what you said about not being able to have someone love you if you don't love yourself, and that was my exact situation. We moved in together, things got way worse, sort of like rock bottom, where we just fought in virtually every context.

The relationship ended while I was trying to better myself, and it took me a while to accept what had happened - to allow it to end rather than fighting it. I struggled with my own anxiety at being dumped and feeling like I had lost everything important... bla bla bla... and kept calling and texting and messaging her again and again saying I love you, I'm better now etc., because I felt I shouldn't give up on "my true love." She would say things like I'm seeing other people now, I don't love you anymore, it's over, and so on so forth. She finally had enough and emailed me saying I can't send her those kind of emails anymore, and that she's with the guy she's going to marry. I reply saying only two words: sure thing - felt good about that more recently, that ended the talking and gave me space to heal.

To bring things up to date, I have moved through the hurt and can honestly say I feel like I have completed all of the 13 steps you mentioned, some in greater depth than others. Awesome! So where I need advice is in this:

She emailed me a few days ago saying: "Hello! I found an old USB of yours and it had this stuff on it, I thought you might want it back. I hope everything is going well with you!" Attached was some old resumes. Don't know what to say. Like a lot of people on here, I still really love my ex, and would love to be with this girl (in a "new" relationship - not the old one I hung on to.) I expect she might still be with the same guy, and if they're happy together, I can live with it. I love her enough to give her that freedom (same sort of thing you said). IF I EMAIL HER I Don't want to start down a path of missing her and hurting because I was hoping for something to come out of it, but on the other hand, IF I DON'T I really don't want to miss out and regret not replying or something similar later.
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 1172
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 3/30/2014 2:33:30 PM
bla bla bla... and kept calling and texting and messaging her again and again saying I love you, I'm better now etc., because I felt I shouldn't give up on "my true love." She would say things like I'm seeing other people now, I don't love you anymore, it's over, and so on so forth. She finally had enough and emailed me saying I can't send her those kind of emails anymore, and that she's with the guy she's going to marry. I reply saying only two words: sure thing - felt good about that more recently, that ended the talking and gave me space to heal.


Hopefully you have your balls back now after all that. I would say, as she said, "it's over"... even if it was possible to get it back you *probably* blew it after all that.


She emailed me a few days ago saying: "Hello! I found an old USB of yours and it had this stuff on it, I thought you might want it back. I hope everything is going well with you!" Attached was some old resumes. Don't know what to say. Like a lot of people on here, I still really love my ex, and would love to be with this girl (in a "new" relationship - not the old one I hung on to.) I expect she might still be with the same guy, and if they're happy together, I can live with it. I love her enough to give her that freedom (same sort of thing you said). IF I EMAIL HER I Don't want to start down a path of missing her and hurting because I was hoping for something to come out of it, but on the other hand, IF I DON'T I really don't want to miss out and regret not replying or something similar later.


If I emailed her back, it would be nothing more than "thanks", maybe "hope you're doing well too", and leave it at that. Don't *ask* how she is, don't offer how you are doing (she didn't *ask*, she said "I hope everything is going well", not a question). If she has a *question*, she can come back and ask, or not.

Stay grounded. The fact that you are even *asking* this here says you are still hanging onto hope she'll come back - chances are she won't. I'd be more likely to say you're "healed" if you said "I deleted her email after reading and am not even thinking of replying".
 the.ties.that.bind
Joined: 3/24/2014
Msg: 1173
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History
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 3/30/2014 4:14:27 PM
Right on, thanks
 the.ties.that.bind
Joined: 3/24/2014
Msg: 1174
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History
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 3/30/2014 4:20:03 PM
Definitely not healed lol... healing
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