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 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 1147
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So you want a second chance?Page 39 of 57    (17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57)

(Msg 1385) AS for throwing away a relationship and having to go thru another year to find someone else???? If the relationship don't work.why stay in the mess??


What I was referring to is some people feel it's relatively easy to find the "right" person. Often, it appears the ones who talk about not settling or advising others to wait for the one they can't live without or council kicking ones partner to the curb are people for whom a relationship is not a priority.

In other words it's ill-advised to suggest one end a relationship under the assumption they will find a better one. In most cases the choice is not between the present partner and a better partner. The choice is between the present partner and having no partner for an extended length of time.

For those who value the "couple lifestyle" there are many intangibles to be considered. Rather than concentrate on the one or two conflicts/differences/mistakes people are well advised to consider the benefits/enjoyment/ fulfillment they receive on a daily basis.

From what I've witnessed (blogs/forums/friends) the post break-up period ends up being more of a heartache than the cause of the break-up. That's definitely evident when a LTR/children are involved. From financial to emotional the change of lifestyle frequently results in big-time depression. Even for those who initiated the break-up the ego wars with reality. The after break-up struggles and loneliness take on a life of their own. The pain of the original transgression pales in light of the pain, day after day, caused by their unwillingness or inability to forgive and take a second chance.
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 1149
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History
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/18/2009 6:57:39 PM

(Msg 1390) I can't imagine that it would be better to stay in a relationship that causes you constant pain, insecurities, mistrust.


I agree. If the pain and insecurities, etc. were ongoing then the people have had their "second chances".

Going by the title "So you want a second chance?" I felt it referred to long term relationships that were going great and then, bang!, something happened. It's when people make a rash decision where I feel it's a mistake.

I think it's important one take a good look at the entire relationship. It's difficult to find the same comfort or familarity or contentment assuming they were there for an extended period of time. While forgiving isn't easy it's difficult to find that niche or "easiness" we all seek and I believe that leads to continued discontentment and, ultimately, bitterness.
 strgzr2691
Joined: 11/8/2009
Msg: 1150
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/19/2009 9:24:31 PM
I can't let go of my seven year boyfriend. I know it will be best but I don't want to live without him. Things were progressively worsening for a few months. I knew something had to change and was hoping for improvement not a break-up. He has broken up with me three times before. He always stayed in contact with me each time, saw me every weekend, although just as friends, Me? always waiting for the re-connect, the back-on signal. This time I'm doing it again. I don't know if he really wants to break up or if this is his way of dealing with his pent up frustration because he isn't good at talking about highly emotional problems. I have gained a lot of weight like 25 pounds, and this time he said it is a deal breaker, he is embarassed to be seen with me and is not attracted to me, he is also frustrated about other stuff. I knew I gained weight, but was to the point of getting serious and getting back in shape, which for me isn't too difficult, so now I am losing the weight, I even told him I will lose the weight. I just can't let go. He took most of his belongings from my place, there are still a couple of valuable items, but he is planning to remove those very soon. I feel like I never want him to remove everything because I at least have a connection to him if he has stuff at my place. I just don't get how after so long and working on staying together so hard this could have happened. I definitely want to keep him. But part of me knows letting go is best, or could someday prove to be. It is a lot of work to keep and please him, maybe I just got burned out, hence the weight gain. Really, if he loved me he wouldn't break up over that. I just can not come to terms with the reality that he probably doesn't love me, but then he never really leaves either.
 jarbarian2
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 1151
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 1/7/2010 1:27:24 PM
Sorry for my late reply, Strgzr, got busy during the holidays.

Unfortunately for you, in your case at least, you will NEVER be able to move on and have a successful relationship with someone new until you get the OLD out of your life completely. The way you do this? It starts with self-discipline first. After that?

Delete/block him from all forms of communication (Facebook, IM, phone, etc).
Box all his stuff up and put it somewhere you don't go often.
Implement and STICK to NO CONTACT. That means never answering him at all. Ever.

Until he becomes a part of your PAST, your FUTURE will be effected severely.

Cheers.
 kangaroos6969
Joined: 7/2/2010
Msg: 1152
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 7/5/2010 8:55:43 PM
By the time I read this blog from 1 through 56, I almost got over my ex. It helped me understand a lot of things about him. I do agree that you just have to let them go if they want to go, because there is NO WAY you can keep anyone.

Jasbarian, you are an inspiration, I hope you are busy with a wonderful woman in your life!

I don't know if this blog will continue, but there is no point sharing my story if nobody is here to listen.
 jarbarian2
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 1153
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/16/2010 9:37:01 AM
You're welcome. I think the easy link to the forums has disappeared so I had to Google how to find it.
I haven't met anyone and I not really concerned about it. If its meant to be it will happen. Im not worried about it. :)
 jarbarian2
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 1154
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 8/16/2010 1:14:00 PM
If she is still dating the other guy then you need to treat her like the plague. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. That isn't fair to you.
 SimplyEric
Joined: 6/17/2010
Msg: 1155
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 1/14/2011 12:25:42 PM
1st time poster on this great thread.
My 5 months girlfriend gave me the "need a time to think, lets be friends and see" B.S speech a week ago. I want to try the method of let go/no contact but I think it is a little childish to ignore her emails/phone calls and texts...will she think its immature from my part to play these little games? what about the facebook? we have mutual friends in there and deleting her will send a message to everyone that I'm hurt and a cry-baby no? HELP

Eric
 Cdn_Iceman
Joined: 12/1/2010
Msg: 1156
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 1/14/2011 12:34:02 PM

My 5 months girlfriend gave me the "need a time to think, lets be friends and see" B.S speech a week ago
you're relationship is on its last legs, stick a fork in it brother its done like dinner.

I want to try the method of let go/no contact but I think it is a little childish to ignore her emails/phone calls and texts...will she think its immature from my part to play these little games?
this is where you have to be a man and lets your balls drop, if she wants time and space you cannot be there for her, she's placing you on the back burner a just in case something or someone doesn't pan out. To me if you want space I would give her all the space she wants , " don't call me/text me/tweet me/email me/or send a pigeon with a note on the window, or the pigeon is going get "whacked"

what about the facebook? we have mutual friends in there and deleting her will send a message to everyone that I'm hurt and a cry-baby no? HELP
huh, what you saw this Oprah or something?
Use the privacy button on face book where she cant see your posts or anything and if you have mutual friend do the same, you dont have to delete her just set a privacy button and you can avoid seeing her posts etc .
 SimplyEric
Joined: 6/17/2010
Msg: 1157
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 1/14/2011 8:22:29 PM
Ok after deep thoughts and research on heartbreaks, I've decided to go with the NO CONTACT/ LET IT GO method.
I was about to write an email to her requesting my wish of her to stop texting/calling/emailing me, then for phone rang and it was HER!
Perfect timing!
After a few minutes of platonic blabbing, in a very calm tone, I asked her where her head was at about our relationship and if there were any "progress" on what we are heading with all this.
She kept saying the same things from where we left eachother 10 days ago, saying she is still confused, she enjoy the free time alone, flame has died, blah blah...
So I went on saying (still in a calm and composed voice) that I understand her but being friends with her is not an option for me (and explain why). That I want a woman who loves me and want to be with me...either it will be her or someone else.
I said I dont want to be hurt anymore by just standing there like an idiot , just waiting her moves and being just friends...
So I asked her to stop all contact with me if its not for reconciliation of our couple.
That's when she started crying... like she couldnt understand why I was putting up such a boundary to her. ( I must admit a started to get emotional too when I heard her trembling voice).
At the end, she said that she understand my choice and we said goodbye.
we hand up....
I felt a huge sadness...then relief. I dressed up, went jogging and workout.
I feel like I've made the right choice for my sanity...I leave the rest into God's hands.
Thanks for reading me.
Eric.
 XtaylorX
Joined: 4/1/2010
Msg: 1159
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 1/24/2011 9:57:04 AM
13. ACCEPT THAT SOME THINGS JUST AREN'T MEANT TO BE: Keep in mind that you may follow this guideline to a "T" and in the end and still the may never come back. Some people are just not meant to be together. But don't get discouraged. Use this experience to guide all future relationships. How much do you love your ex? Do you love them enough to want them to be happy even if it's not with you? To me, that is the true test of love. Not only do you love them unconditionally, warts and all, but that you want them to be happy with or without you. There is someone out there for you, but until your confidence and self-esteem is at healthy levels, until your life is full of happiness and fun, until you realize that you have to be happy before you can make anyone else happy, you won't find them. People with all those positive attributes don't have to look for a mate, they usually find them ;)

No Phuck you,
I dont agree to this at all,
you can have the most positive attitude, every thing a lady is looking for and still get rejected. Its what god has planed for you that matters!
 ridewithme78
Joined: 3/27/2011
Msg: 1160
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 4/6/2011 3:59:04 AM
So im currently deployed and have been with current gf for almost 3 years. Although we have a ten year difference things have been pretty great up until valentines this year. We got off to a rocky start 3 years ago but I thought we worked through all that and then she dropped a bomb shell on me 6 weeks ago after we had a small argument...
received this after she basically shut down on me for 6 weeks and refused to work things out. Now I still pay the cell bill and we have mutual friends so its not about another guy but she has all these new girls in her ear and I believe part of the problem. Im ten years older and a ready made family. (divorced with child and dogs) But we have lived together for over a year now...
Not sure what to think of the following, but been trying to maintain no contact since I received it.

. I HATE fighting with you more than anything in the world. The last month has been the most stressful and draining month i have had in a long time and no I'm not blaming it on you. I know that you don't understand my reasoning for leaving and I get that, but I hope that you will try to understand where I am coming from. I have a lot of issues that I need to work out on my own, one big one being the things I went through with you cheating and lying. Again I am not trying to bring up the past or point fingers I am just trying to explain myself. I know I said I let it go butnin reality it's like a big black hole inside me. I have major trust issues and I was raised by my mother who's frame of mind was basically just turn your head the other way and pretend things are great. I refuse to be like her and I refuse to become a wife and mother and isnstill those beliefs into a childs head, therefor I need to take time for myself and work on ME. I do love you more than you will ever know but the arguments we have had and the snooping and drama has made me realize I should have done this a long time ago, even before you. I in no way meant to hurt you, but there comes a time in everyones life when they sit back and evaluate themselves and realize that changes need to be made and I am only 22 so I guess this is my time. I don't want to give you mixed signals and say that we will get back together because I can't predict the future, but i do believe everything happens for a reason. You talking about focusing on "someone" really hurt me today. I know that I ended this and I do want you to be happy in whatever you do, but I could never imagine finding someone else right now. If that's what you want then I wish you the best, like I said I can't and won't stop you, but I just hope you don't do anything out of spite because I wouldn't. I hope that we can stay as close as possible and I hope that one day you can find it in your heart to forgive me, but deep down I know I am doing the right thing for me and if I ever want to have a good relationship I need to do this.

Like i said things were great and then one argument and it all fell apart while im deployed so in the mean time shes moving out and im still away. Was thinking maybe Ill just see how things are when I get home but I doubt she goes out of her way to talk to me since the only time she does is when she needs something.
 browneyesboo
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 1162
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 4/6/2011 11:55:40 AM

Like i said things were great and then one argument and it all fell apart while im deployed so in the mean time shes moving out and im still away. Was thinking maybe Ill just see how things are when I get home but I doubt she goes out of her way to talk to me since the only time she does is when she needs something.


It's interesting to me that she talks about you lying and cheating and that she now
has trust issues and you talk about small arguments and working out differences.
She breaks up with you to focus on healing herself and at some point you guys have
a conversation and you mention seeing someone else.

I don't know...should I start singing? She broke up with you because apparently
she was hurt (just guessing from her letter) and you let her know that you've already
moved on. Why are you even wondering what's wrong or what to do? I'd keep up
the no contact so she can move on as well.
 sexyangel169
Joined: 2/2/2008
Msg: 1163
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 7/5/2011 1:34:48 PM
I've been following NC strictly since my boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me. The problem is, he keeps trying to contact me, as a friend; texting me that he misses me, AIM "reminding" me that he's here for me when I'm ready to be friends and to talk to, and telling our mutual friends to tell me that when I'm ready to be friends, he is too.


Let me translate what he is saying to you in plain English: "I want all the benefits of being in a relationship with you, WITHOUT being in a relationship with you. I want you on standby IN CASE I ever change my mind and want you back. I have needs that aren't being met in some way/shape/form and I would like to USE you to get MY needs met until I can find someone else who meets these needs."

Sounds selfish? It is. He doesn't deserve your time or friendship. When people make a choice to walk away from you, let them! As long as your ex remains in the picture, he/she will be a roadblock for the RIGHT person. Remove the roadblock!


I had broken up with my BF of 2 years after realizing that he could never be faithful to me no matter how many times he said "I'm sorry, it won't happen again, I love you, please forgive me" He decided to walk away from our relationship by cheating on me.
I had forgave him a few times because my ex before my recent ex, I had cheated on him and I do believe that someone can reform, because I reformed. I made a promis to myself that I would never hurt someone like I hurt my past ex.
At that time I still loved him, I still do but I love the guy I fell in love with, or more so, the memories we had made. Maybe its just that I love being in a relationship and thats what I miss so much. All I know is that his "love" is toxic to me now. I am working on "letting go".
The reason I am responding to this post is because my ex would still call me wanting to talk. Not all the time but when his mother went into the hospital, he called me crying his eyes out saying that he didn't know who else to call and he needs a friend. At the time I would have done anything for him.
But now after reading your post...I have to say thank you for putting this post up.
I didn't realize that he was being selfish. He wanted my shoulder to cry on but then say F$#K YOU by doing what he did to me. He wanted my friendship.
No, he doesn't deserve my friendship.
He doesn't deserve my time.
He doesn't deserve my emotions at all.
And I must say that this lifted a huge weight off my shoulders and I see things so much clearer now.
 valenciacityx
Joined: 3/10/2009
Msg: 1164
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 7/9/2011 5:34:31 PM
burn that bridge often and early.
Next.
have you ever seen a sequal that was even as good as the original ?
I cant think of one, and that will go for 'remakes' too.
 jarbarian2
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 1165
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/25/2011 11:02:34 AM
It's still going and I am glad its still helping people.
 minpinz
Joined: 10/24/2011
Msg: 1166
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/26/2011 3:00:05 PM
Your advice is great but some people don't realize that no contact isn't about getting your ex back its all about YOU and learning to love yourself again to heal and become a better person. Some mistake it for the magical formula that will bring their ex back to them. NC doesn't always work like that, and not for every situation.
Also second chances are only possible if you're healed, let go of the old relationship and learned from your mistakes. Otherwise it won't work if you haven't learned a thing and the same problems arise that make them walk again.
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 1167
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/26/2011 3:43:20 PM

have you ever seen a sequal that was even as good as the original ?
I cant think of one, and that will go for 'remakes' too.


John Carpenter's remake of "The Thing" was pretty good.
But I'll admit, good sequels/remakes are *really* rare.
 minpinz
Joined: 10/24/2011
Msg: 1168
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/26/2011 3:56:12 PM
John Carpenter's remake of "The Thing" was pretty good.
But I'll admit, good sequels/remakes are *really* rare.

oh god my favorite movie of all time, yes it was amazing
the prequel didn't impress me though


anyway here's my two cents about second chances...........
in order for a second chance to work BOTH of you need to learn from your mistakes. Taking the time being separated allows you to reflect on what happened while you are healing and learn from those mistakes. Most people always try to pick up where they left off and thats not going to work. You're supposed to start new leaving the old relationship and its problems behind.
 jarbarian2
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 1169
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 1/1/2012 5:39:49 PM
Funny thing....bumped into my ex last week. It was cordial but I showed no interest in rekindling anything. Sometimes when second chances are there and the dumper might be interested the dumpee "loses that loving feeling".

Keep your chin up kids. Life does get a lot better!
 borazon
Joined: 11/29/2011
Msg: 1170
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 1/1/2012 9:04:31 PM
Excellent post.
 the.ties.that.bind
Joined: 3/24/2014
Msg: 1171
view profile
History
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 3/30/2014 2:07:45 PM
Hey man, read your advice on second chances... thought it was really good stuff. Need a bit of advice. I am a male, 23 years old, and I was with this girl for around 3 years, age 18-21.

1st year was long distance, we met in my city, started seeing each other, and then she moved abroad. Things worked out, however, and I went to visit her over there, and then she came back. Unfortunately, I had some unresolved health problems, ie. depression and I was big pot head, and the relationship really suffered as a result. I really resonated with what you said about not being able to have someone love you if you don't love yourself, and that was my exact situation. We moved in together, things got way worse, sort of like rock bottom, where we just fought in virtually every context.

The relationship ended while I was trying to better myself, and it took me a while to accept what had happened - to allow it to end rather than fighting it. I struggled with my own anxiety at being dumped and feeling like I had lost everything important... bla bla bla... and kept calling and texting and messaging her again and again saying I love you, I'm better now etc., because I felt I shouldn't give up on "my true love." She would say things like I'm seeing other people now, I don't love you anymore, it's over, and so on so forth. She finally had enough and emailed me saying I can't send her those kind of emails anymore, and that she's with the guy she's going to marry. I reply saying only two words: sure thing - felt good about that more recently, that ended the talking and gave me space to heal.

To bring things up to date, I have moved through the hurt and can honestly say I feel like I have completed all of the 13 steps you mentioned, some in greater depth than others. Awesome! So where I need advice is in this:

She emailed me a few days ago saying: "Hello! I found an old USB of yours and it had this stuff on it, I thought you might want it back. I hope everything is going well with you!" Attached was some old resumes. Don't know what to say. Like a lot of people on here, I still really love my ex, and would love to be with this girl (in a "new" relationship - not the old one I hung on to.) I expect she might still be with the same guy, and if they're happy together, I can live with it. I love her enough to give her that freedom (same sort of thing you said). IF I EMAIL HER I Don't want to start down a path of missing her and hurting because I was hoping for something to come out of it, but on the other hand, IF I DON'T I really don't want to miss out and regret not replying or something similar later.
 forums1
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 1172
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 3/30/2014 2:33:30 PM
bla bla bla... and kept calling and texting and messaging her again and again saying I love you, I'm better now etc., because I felt I shouldn't give up on "my true love." She would say things like I'm seeing other people now, I don't love you anymore, it's over, and so on so forth. She finally had enough and emailed me saying I can't send her those kind of emails anymore, and that she's with the guy she's going to marry. I reply saying only two words: sure thing - felt good about that more recently, that ended the talking and gave me space to heal.


Hopefully you have your balls back now after all that. I would say, as she said, "it's over"... even if it was possible to get it back you *probably* blew it after all that.


She emailed me a few days ago saying: "Hello! I found an old USB of yours and it had this stuff on it, I thought you might want it back. I hope everything is going well with you!" Attached was some old resumes. Don't know what to say. Like a lot of people on here, I still really love my ex, and would love to be with this girl (in a "new" relationship - not the old one I hung on to.) I expect she might still be with the same guy, and if they're happy together, I can live with it. I love her enough to give her that freedom (same sort of thing you said). IF I EMAIL HER I Don't want to start down a path of missing her and hurting because I was hoping for something to come out of it, but on the other hand, IF I DON'T I really don't want to miss out and regret not replying or something similar later.


If I emailed her back, it would be nothing more than "thanks", maybe "hope you're doing well too", and leave it at that. Don't *ask* how she is, don't offer how you are doing (she didn't *ask*, she said "I hope everything is going well", not a question). If she has a *question*, she can come back and ask, or not.

Stay grounded. The fact that you are even *asking* this here says you are still hanging onto hope she'll come back - chances are she won't. I'd be more likely to say you're "healed" if you said "I deleted her email after reading and am not even thinking of replying".
 the.ties.that.bind
Joined: 3/24/2014
Msg: 1173
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History
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 3/30/2014 4:14:27 PM
Right on, thanks
 the.ties.that.bind
Joined: 3/24/2014
Msg: 1174
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History
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 3/30/2014 4:20:03 PM
Definitely not healed lol... healing
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