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Joined: 6/12/2006
Msg: 535
So you want a second chance?Page 5 of 57    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41) here's my question...I posted my story before...and here's where I am at. I followed everything to a T...even started dating again. Now, my ex knew nothing about this. Anyway...I go out one night, and see him. He approaches me, we talk, and over the next few weeks he says he wants us to start as friends, and that we didnt fall in love overnight, so to get back to a relationship wont happen overnight either. Ok, so I give him space, and continue on with my life. I still date, and actually enjoy it. Now...seems like some days he cant wait to see me or spend time with me then others, nothing days go by with no effort to spend time together other than the odd 'hello' message on my phone. I dunno I guess I am maybe answering my own question, but what's the deal? I mean, if you really want to be with someone, wouldnt you put more effort into it?? I just dont get it.
 Smilin Angel
Joined: 6/6/2006
Msg: 538
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/22/2006 6:09:38 PM
Yes.... the no contact.... I think its like an alcholic or smoker giving up their vice... when you have been a part of someone's life for a period of time & had that romantic relationship the contact is like an addiction.... only way to break an addiction is cold turkey.... but damn the withdrawal is Hell.

Its funny we didn't even talk/text message or email every day but I think just knowing the option was there makes the difference.

What I find hard to stomach is the inconsideration of some people.... I actually had a guy I met once for a coffee date and it didn't go anywhere, this was probably around the same time I met my ex. This guy figures since technically I am single again... then him & should hook up.... I made it clear I am here for the friends & forums... not looking to date anyone. I need to heal first.

to everyone and don't forget to be good to yourself you deserve the best!!

Joined: 10/8/2006
Msg: 547
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/24/2006 5:26:07 PM
sounds good. but get this... I was married for 27 years to my high school sweetheart and am now separated because of this.. my son, just turned 18 and has been going out with a girl from his school I thought I knew. the minute she walked into my house, my son has turned into an arrogant little brat, uses bad language, disrespects me and this use to be the perfect child. I know he is getting this from her besides the fact hes 18. It has gottn so bad he has moved in with her and her ''mother". That part I am trying to handle. Here comes the kicker. My ex never backed me on any of this and decided to try and be 18 again. I think the little **** has a thing for my ex. All of his attention goes to my son and her. He has alays been very close and we were a very very close family. Now the fighting with him and I start and its so bad, we are divorcing over this, his idea. I hate to think that maybe this 48 year old man has the hots for his sons gf but this is so weird and nobody, friends and family, can believe it. I say mid life crisis but the crap he has put me thru the last year sux. He and my son work together and my son has not talked to me in 3 months. He and I were very close and now he says he wants me out of his life because he loves her. First gf, doesnt know what love is. Now, my heart is torn out. i not only lost my son but also my husband. all because I had rules in my house about language, sleepovers with her and I have a 13 year old to think about.
Hows that for some good reading? Dont want him back after all that.
Joined: 6/12/2006
Msg: 551
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 10/24/2006 9:24:21 PM
Thanks for your response. Well, I couldn't deal with the "friends" thing, so I told him. All he said was ok. Yup, he obviously didnt want to stop me. So, no biggie. It hurts, but I have yet to shed a tear. I did that 3 months ago and refuse to now. Since the break up I have done well, re aquainted with friends and made a life for myself. Yes I wanted him included, but not in the cards. Sooooooo today....just had to share...I went on a shopping spree...and bought myself a brand new car!! Who says shopping is no fun?? LOL Anyway...I feel really good compared to when the break up happened, so yes...time helps. You dont forget, but you dont hurt as much. YAY!!
Joined: 9/27/2006
Msg: 581
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/10/2006 7:37:57 AM
Guys i can assure u that the NO CONTACT RULE really works!! My boyfriend broke up with me 4 months ago, and wow, i was BROKEN at the beggining....i couldn't stop crying, didn't want to go out with friends, i isolated completely from my family/friends...and called him, sent txt messages...and one day we spoke and he told me i was important for him, but that he needed time to be think, to live without me....and he really broke my heart, i didn't know what to do, i loved him so much, but had to hide the love i felt for him because..he didn't need it? ....and time passed by....and i got better...i didn't contact him, i just gave him his time...and some days ago he wrote me an email...because he wanted to know how i was...

It is hard to understand that if the other person needs time without us, by trying to force contact the only thing we do not achieve is to have them closer...we put ourselves in the position of begging some love, but do we really deserve that???.... so it's really hard, but time can heal hearts...if we only understand that we cannot control the situation, that the decision is on their side, that the only thing we can do is try to continue with our lives, have fun, rebuild our self-confidence.....and maybe someday.....they realise that they really missed you and want to try again! The waiting can be terrible...but if you focus on you, things are different! at the end, you will be fine with yourself, happy...and then if they come back, you'll see what you decide to do....but if they don't come least you have already began to heal!
Joined: 10/11/2004
Msg: 595
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/21/2006 11:23:15 AM
Age never is a factor to wisdom, thanks so much for taking the time to write that whole guide.
 Natures Harmony
Joined: 11/9/2006
Msg: 602
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/26/2006 7:28:15 PM
I have a question Jarbarian..........what happens if both parties are following the rule of no contact......who breaks and makes first contact?

what then????
 Natures Harmony
Joined: 11/9/2006
Msg: 605
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/27/2006 3:13:11 PM
Well, I was the dumpee but he made first contact this morning. He said he was worried about me because he hadn't heard from me. He wanted me to e-mail him so he would know that I was okay, which of course I did. While I was at work he sent me a text letting me know that he was going to be near my job tomorrow and would probably stop by......What am I suppose to do? How am I suppose to act. I would really like to get back with him (we were together for a year) but I know we both needs some growing to do.

Any Advice??
 Natures Harmony
Joined: 11/9/2006
Msg: 607
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/27/2006 4:41:49 PM
You have given me a lot to think about.............Thanks Jarbarian
Joined: 7/29/2005
Msg: 610
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/28/2006 6:09:00 AM
Hi jarbarian
Thank-you for your previous email response. There's been new developments......

Okay, so my boyfriend/ex-boyfriend (whatever!) Is a liar. Pure and simple. He knows it, I know it. Two months ago, after four years, he ended it with me but because we are tied to each other financially, we still spent (no sex) weekends together getting a house ready to market (what a mess) Because we also had a certain amount of 'safety' or 'comfort' if you will with one another, we continued helping each other with our personal growth (weirder, yet) A few weekends ago, he told me he had made the wrong decision and he wanted to be with me. Honesty is still the big issue. Yesterday, he told me that to break away from me emotionally, he had "played with another woman" those were his words for "I cheated on you". And he felt he had to tell me or everything he said from this point forward would be a lie. Now, there is a part of me that feels a certain respect for him and his own moral code that he was actually able to spit out the truth about something. The other part of me likes the visual of the knife on his nuts ;-)
BIG problem: We are still tied together financially and it is not possible for me to put him on NO CONTACT like I would like to do. He'll be back Friday night. Now what the heck am I supposed to do?
Joined: 7/30/2006
Msg: 611
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/28/2006 6:23:43 AM

And yes, with NC you don't announce it. You just do it.

Hey Jarbarian,

Sorry, although I read a lot of the thread, there is no way I could read it all :) Why did you say the above (page 7)?

I told her I found the contact with her difficult and that I just wanted to say goodbye. What is wrong with that???

Excellent thread by the way
Joined: 7/30/2006
Msg: 613
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/28/2006 10:24:42 AM
Well, when I initially said goodbye she seemed indignant as though I were doing something wrong. She then made some attempts to contact me and phoned two weeks ago using a mini-disaster in her life as an excuse. It was something I couldn't ignore so I start talking to her about it but her phone died after about 10 minutes... she was really REALLY disappointed when she knew our conversation was going to be cut short and said she'd phone me the next day - haven't heard from her since.
Joined: 6/12/2006
Msg: 617
So you want a second chance?
Posted: 11/29/2006 7:44:47 AM
Ok, so its been a while since I posted here. I have posted a few times regarding my situation. Just a bit about bf ended things in the summer time.NOw this was a guy who, once the relationship was over, he never looked back, so I was devastated. As hard as it was, I followed Jarbarian's advice to a T. We had an encounter while we were both out one night about 2 months later. He said he wanted to talk again and take it day by day. I had a hard time with all that, cause I felt like I wasnt getting what I needed, but that he was calling the shots. Anyway, I was patient for a while, but got frustrated too. I finally got to the point where I wouldnt keep quiet about what I wanted anymore. I told him straight up what I needed from him, and that it couldnt all be about what HE wanted. I was also VERY prepred to walk away if there was no compromise. It was a painful thought as I love him very much, but in the time we were apart, I had re-built ME, so I knew I would be ok no matter what happened. Well, I am happy to say that things are going very well. It took him some time, but slowly we are getting there. There were lots of things I missed, the little things that made us "US". Slowly like I said things are progressing. He makes the effort once again, and that was missing. He spends more time with me, which at first I felt like I was an "option". I dont feel that way anymore. I've tried to let the things in the past go, which was one fault I had that contributed to the relationship ending in the first place. He is now more involved in the things I like as well, which was yet another thing that went wrong. Now dont get me wrong, I know that the advice was good, but isnt necessarily what made it work. But, I DO believe that once he saw that I was fine without him, not clinging to him, or bothering him with calls, texts etc... that he realized what he may lose. I have to add that I am a very lucky girl to have the wonderful friends and family that I leaned on during the break up. They also have not judged my decision to be with him again. I definitly think for him, he needed the time and space to get the big picture, and I needed to communicate more, since ya, he's a guy and doesnt read minds, who knew??? LOL Believe me, it was HARD to give him that, cause sometimes all I wanted to do was talk to him, or msg him, but I didnt. And I have to say, the feeling in the pit of my stomach that says "I'm scared he'll leave" is gone. So Jarbarian.....thanks for the wonderful words of advice you have posted, because, whether he and I made it or not, I found ME because of it.
Joined: 9/3/2006
Msg: 618
Great Advice
Posted: 11/30/2006 3:04:46 PM
Hi Jarbarian I thouroughly enjoyed your post. I have been dating a guy for about 3months. During this time we would see each other about twice a week if time permitted due to our busy lives. He had made it clear that he wanted our relationship to be exclusive. I started to notice he was a bit jealous in his behaviour with me in that he would question me about our time apart or who called my cell phone things of that nature. At first I found this flattering. Well about 3 days ago I picked him up at the Airport wherein, he came back from seeing family for the holidays and I spent the evening with him. The next morning, when I awoke (he had already left for work) I notice my key to his place was missing off of my keychain and my cell phone was out of my purse. I found out he went through my cell phone calls and came across another man's number in my phone. I proceeded to leave and return home and text him a couple of times asking about the key thing. He replied "who's soandso". I told him in a further text just a male friend is all. Later that evening, he emailed me saying. "I need a break, I am dealing with alot right now, I don't appreciate you calling me some other mans name while in my bed (i am sure i did not do that) and I know you are sleeping with him (i am not), I am really not mad at that I am mad that you lied." I replied "Ok Alvin I agree, your absolutely right about the needing a break thing, but Absolutely wrong about me sleeping with him over the weekend or ever, that part is not true. Im really sorry you feel that way I have not lied to you and have been faithful. Just the same, Im not mad at the fact that you took it upon yourself to look through my cell phone while I was asleep (invasion of my privacy) but, nevertheless, I enjoyed our time together your a sweet heart. Good Luck with your new Job. All the best Alvin,
beedelisle: Just in case you thought i was lying Alvin I swear on my Mothers grave I have not slept with "this other guyl" or any other."

So I guess I would like some input from you on this situation. I have not bothered to contact him any further as he has stated he needs a "break" Can you offer me some input here. Thanks
Joined: 9/3/2006
Msg: 620
Great Advice
Posted: 11/30/2006 3:29:09 PM
Thank you for the imput, you are absolutely right I never really looked at it that way. Having been previously married for 16yrs, the dating world is foreign to me. I think I need to be more informed there. Thanks again.
Joined: 9/3/2006
Msg: 621
Great Advice
Posted: 11/30/2006 3:32:12 PM
Im sorry I forgot, He is 43yrs old, and a Cop, I am 39yrs old Law Clerk
Joined: 9/27/2006
Msg: 624
help me!
Posted: 12/2/2006 12:42:56 PM
Hey Jabarian, i really love this forum, it always gives me strength to move on. But since a couple of days i feel devastated and really don't know what to do. We've been together for 2,5 years (he's 28 and i am 19) and we both knew things at the end were not ok, so i insisted to talk about it, but it was like he "couldn't see" how bad things were (i mean, he didn't want to see) i told him to break up, to be on our owns...he was a very insecure guy that was very afraid of losing me and called me 5 times a day and didn't get out with friends just to be with me (what made me feel caged, and i began to see him more like a friend than like a bf, it was kind of boring being with him cause i always was the one that made decisions).......we got together some times after the breakup, and i felt i really loved him and wanted to be with him, he changed a lot and since the break didn't call me or emailed me (something very strange) one day i told him all that i was feeling but then it was him the one that didn't want to come back with least not at that moment. he needed time to be alone, to think, to fix his relationship with himself...and i really don't know what to's been 5 months since we broke up...and he told me that if things are meant to be, we'll be together (we ended the relationship in very good terms, with no anger or fights)...but i really really miss him, and i don't know what to do...and christmas is coming....and in some days this year will be over....and i really feel that i'd be better dead. i'm on holidays so i have so much time to think, to cry...and all i want to do is to be in bed....i'm not having a good relationship with my parents...and my "friends" seem not to care about my pain (they tell me to forget him, to move on, to go to bars and dancing clubs, to take some alcohol and enjoy) but i feel i'm not ready! i love him so much.....and i know he cares about me, but his indiference in killing me...we have each other in msn i'm always looking if he is online, which picture he has, his nickname....i feel i'm getting sick. What should i do? i feel there's no possible way out of this... :'o( I NEED TO LET GO, BUT IT'S TOO HARD
Joined: 9/27/2006
Msg: 626
Posted: 12/4/2006 5:10:00 PM
Hey Jarbarian! thank you so much for your answer!! i really needed to read what you're so right bout my self-respect...i know i'll have to work very hard on it! but it's difficult to accept/ understand that someone who promessed eternal love IS NOT HERE now, just because he doesn't want to. Because he made a choice and that was NOT BEING WITH ME. And you are sooo right when you say that "Someone who really loved me would have been willing to work things out"...but i guess it's just too painful for me to believe that all his feelings towards me just disappear...that all his love for me (the one i know and felt was genuine and true) just vanished into thin air, i just can't understand it, and that's why i keep on falling down and don't know how to get up and continue with my life... but i guess now it's not time to understand (because i simply won't find his reasons)'s time to ACCEPT REALITY and try to let him go (and allow myself to heal).

After reading your answer i tried to get strength and deleted him from my contact list in msn (you should have seen me....doubting about clicking DELETE in front of the monitor....pathetic), but well...i did it. And i'm proud of it. I'll try to do my best, and i hope that thing about the 3 weeks work out for me. NC on Xmas will be very hard, but i need to be i'm going to avoid that painful contact.

Thank you very much for all your support and advice, it really helps!
Joined: 9/27/2006
Msg: 628
Posted: 12/5/2006 8:04:59 AM
Hi Jar...and thanx again for your quick reply :)
It's kind of strange but i feel really bad by just thinking about deleting him from my cell phone, or not calling him for xmas...I mean, i feel like GUILTY (and i guess that's because i still have the idea that if i call him and show i care....i'll maybe get another chance, but on the other hand, if i get another chance with him, i don't want it to be this way! just because i'll be in the exact same place where he left me...and i want to grow from this pain and build a better i feel a great contradiction inside...what i feel vs. what i think)
But well..if i persevere, i know i'll succeed
thanks again for your motivation and advice, I really appreciate it! :oD
Joined: 8/10/2004
Msg: 631
Posted: 12/5/2006 7:34:20 PM
I made a couple of post on > What is NO CONTACT, you say?

I mentioned it had been three months since I cut off contact with my ex wife (married 17 years - she dumped me in 03’). She had called often for the entire three plus years and came over a few times - I just stopped picking up the phone.

Today I looked something up and it is now closer to 5 months - time goes by fast when you are starting to regain control.

I just read the original post in this thread - it too is right on the money.

Something dawned on me the other day - well actually two or three months ago. She left me BUT ........... I empowered myself - I am the one that stopped the contact.

Moving the focus off of her and putting it on myself .......... was the turning point and things are going up up up every single day.

The OP mentions self confidence and self esteem. I’ve been working on those two areas the last few months and it is working.

I don’t mean piddling around working on my self esteem/confidence I mean I went at it BIG TIME - like probably at least 5 times what people could imagine. I have two or three subliminal programs running at the same time and I am listening to one of the “experts” on the topics at the same time.

Plus I have created very thought provoking messages on those two topics and they are “flipping” on the monitor of my lap top that is sitting beside this desk computer.

So I have at least three and often four or five input sources coming at me 16 hours a day.

A few little “tid bits”

You are not what you think you are ............ you are what you ...”think” you are.

We have all heard about cause & effect but ................. have you really thought about that ?

Effect - you become what ...........

Cause - you think about most of the time

Effect - your outer world is is a reflection of ...........

Cause - your inner world (thoughts)

My ex wife is a good person - she did not do it on purpose but she looked down her nose at me for 20 years. I think it must be in her genes. Her mother is a ice cold - self centered person - I did not even like being in the same room with her. I have no idea how her father has any self esteem left.

So - I did not lose my self respect/confidence/esteem overnight - I lost it inch by inch over the 20 years. I was a very strong person - it took a very long time but it DID happen.

I am fixing it ............ and YOU can too.

Getting over someone and rebuilding yourself go hand in hand. I have came miles and miles in the last few months.
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