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 sayonara7
Joined: 3/13/2006
Msg: 101
Living together before marriage a bad idea?Page 5 of 12    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)
That's right Raven1...that's why you stick to it and make it work out instead of just walking away which is very easy to do.Everyone does it and divorce rates are going higher and higher.That's the main reason why people don't get married, easy way to bail out.Besides....looking at what you had to say about her: " She is ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS (model type material, sunshine girl many times over, winner of many beauty and bikini pagents, etc. tall, blonde, physically fit and extremely busty- the dream girl for MANY guys). "


That is what you had to say about her.All physical aspects.Granted you did say something good about her personality but that wasn't as much as what you had to say about her looks.It seems to me that she was more of a trophy to you than a person you would have loved to live with.When that illusion was shattered after you started living with her, you walked out, or she did, I wouldn't know.So, the moral of the story is physical attraction does get you started out, but its the emotional connection that has to be there, which in your case surely wasn't there, thats why it didn't work out.It could have worked out, but neither of you were motivated enough to make it work out.

All I have to say is you were right when you said ,"HOWEVER, could you imagine if we had married first and then lived together?
It would have ended in divorce!
"

That's true, it would have, marriage requires a lot of work and not everyone can do it.
 Raven1
Joined: 9/14/2004
Msg: 102
Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 4/15/2006 1:27:27 PM
I'm sorry sayonara7 but I disagree with you. I'm on bike man's side with this one.
I think you're more at risk of divorce marrying someone you've never lived with.
It's only after living with someone that you truly get to know them. People have their likes and dislikes. Things they can and cannot stand. Sometimes you don't find out these things about a person until you've lived with them.
People are too quick to just into marriage without getting to truly know one another and that's one of the reasons there's such a high rate of divorce.

What's so bad about living with someone first?
We've all lived with someone at one time or another (familly, friends, roommates, etc.)
It's kind of like having a roommate but on a different level of course. We're not back in the 40's where something like that is unheard of.

You seem to have old fashioned, traditional values where you marry and then live together and that's all fine and dandy. HOWEVER, you have to realize that times have drastically change from back in the day. It's not like how it was for our parents.
People back then had more integrity IMHO.
I'd rather live with someone and have it not work out, than have a failed marriage. Marriage is supposed to be something sacred. Not something you jump in and out of.

Woould you rather be a casuality of a breakup or one of divorce?
 sayonara7
Joined: 3/13/2006
Msg: 103
Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 4/15/2006 1:30:02 PM
Since you put it that way, I agree more with you now Raven1. That's a good way to put it.But I'd still stick to my values, I guess I am old fashioned and traditional.
 Raven1
Joined: 9/14/2004
Msg: 104
Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 4/15/2006 1:50:17 PM
That is what you had to say about her.All physical aspects.


*SIGHS*

Some people read but they truly do not comprehend!

You're missing the point. First off, the point I was trying to get across was that she met ALL the requirements a guy could want. Physically AND personality wise, intellectually, etc.

I did comment on her being a deep and insightful person (I'm one myslf and that's one of the characteristics I need in a person of which I am dating). I also mentioned she was a person of substance, etc.

BASICALLY THE POINT I WAS TRYING TO GET ACROSS WAS THAT IS "WAS" THE PERFECT PACKAGE. I'M EMPHASIZING "WAS".

After living with her I found things I didn't like.

Some examples are as follows:
I didn't like how she raised her son (he listened to and was more obedient with me than her).
I didn't like how she was a computer addict and neglected her son at times because of it.
(she would end up putting him to bed at rediculous times all because she was carried away on the computer). Hell she used to even neglect me at times for the computer.

THESE ARE JUST A FEW things that turned me off and caused us to fight. She was a free-spirit and wasn't ready to change for nobody. Neither me nor her son (even though we're talking about positive changes).

I couldn't see myself being with someone that wasn't ready for comprimise. I had already given up alot. Spending most of my time being her with her and her son. Playing husband to her and daddy to her son. Taking care of them when I should have been out there working and looking after myself. Driving 45 mins to an hour away at rediculous hours of the night to babysit her son the next day so she could go to work instead of me being out there working myself. I used to wake up in the early hours of the morning on little or no sleep to tend to her son. Get him his bottle, change his dirty diaper. Watch him when he woke up as his mother would often still be sleeping. Bathe him, dress him, babysit him, drive him to school, make his food, feed him, teach him, disciple him, etc.
After giving up so much my for myself to take care of them (not working at the time to be there and take care of this instant familly I found myself in).
I don't think a little change on her part was too much to ask.
It's not as though my advice was bad, on the contrary! It was usually right. It usually came back to bite her in the ass when she didn't listen to it!

Eventually I ended up finding out she was diagnosed with A.D.D, O.C.D, accute anxiety disorder, social phobia. Her ex beat her so bad he would have probably killed her if the cops didn't see this happening in the laneway and stopped it. When she was pregnant with his son he used to disappear for days leaving her at home with no money and no groceries.

Although deep down a loving, caring and genuine person she did go through alot which obviously contributed to her being the way she was.

What it all boils down to though is that I couldn't see myself spending the rest of my life with someone like that. I couldn't see having a child with her and having her raise it the way she raised her son. I couldn't see being with someone that was never willing to listen to me.

Anyhow, I've gone off on tangent. What I'm trying to tell you is that many of these things we not readily available for me to "see" until we lived together.

You're young and obviously have alot to learn but as you get older and date more and get into REAL and serious relationships then you'll see.
 harveywallbanger
Joined: 12/25/2005
Msg: 105
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Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 4/15/2006 3:02:51 PM

Harvey,

Certainly in any statistical analysis there is a chance it will be skewed.

If you notice, I am not advocating one way or another on this topic. In addition, I must point out that Dobson wasn't the one who performed the research. This also isn't the first time I have heard this information.

edit: I am surprised this thread has garnered so much attention.


I have read a little too on this and the quote seems down the line with just a little angle put on it.

I'm not suprised many people have differing opinions on the subject. I for one see nothing wrong with it if people want to so be it. I forget who said in this post that marriage and commitment sometimes can be different. We can all see that considering in the US 66% of married people now will be divorced. And about half men and women that are married cheat.

And let us not forget marriage is not the commitment its a symbol of the commitment. Truely committed people don't need them because how they live thier lives together is the symbol.

But I can also see the anti-living together groups points. The shelf life is rather short. Its easier just to get up and move.

So I'm on the in between. I think if the two of you are into it good for you. But if the two of you would rather get married good for you too.

harvey
 Secondary125
Joined: 4/14/2006
Msg: 106
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Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 4/15/2006 3:08:57 PM
It hasn't been my experience, and I think living together could work as long as it should work ANYWAY, but nearly all my friends have broken up with all the people they go and live with.

The ones that are still together with people over 2 years are people who don't live with their SO. One pair have been together for 5-6 years and see each other nearly every day. But they just don't live together.

So, donno what to tell you.
 memtndude
Joined: 4/15/2006
Msg: 107
Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 4/15/2006 3:12:42 PM
I have lived with alot of people in the Army and it seems some people are just really easy to live with and some aren't. I lived with my wife beforehand and even though we are divorced now, that had nothing to do with us splitting up. It was the time we spent apart that killed us, and we spent alot of time apart (3 1/2 years). I think you have to live with someone at least for a few months to get to know them better and if you can even stand living with them. I can live with anyone, but not everyone is as passive as me.
 dyeaton1
Joined: 11/6/2005
Msg: 108
Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 4/15/2006 4:05:36 PM
Living together should be for those who are married or are committed to be married soon. This is an interesting forum, as one should say that people should not be together intimately prior to marriage. However, I have been married and divorced and would say that I would want to be intimate prior to another marriage. The question then becomes...as a partner on occasion or living together. I think once an engagement ring is accepted, I am o'k with living together. Right or wrong... that's my thinking.
 SunStreeked
Joined: 4/15/2006
Msg: 109
Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 4/15/2006 5:27:43 PM
I moved in with my fiancee..I have now called everything off and we are now just dating..I can't handle it...I say you wait....its too much work, I no longer have any freedom and I'm pretty much strapped down already
 HB2
Joined: 5/11/2005
Msg: 110
Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 4/15/2006 7:42:45 PM
why not live together INSTEAD of marriage?

if you can't handle living together then you won't be able to handle it because of a scrap of paper...
 xemicangirl
Joined: 7/18/2005
Msg: 111
Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 4/15/2006 8:45:07 PM
Why would you even consider living together, let alone marrying again?!!!
Please somebody tell her about marriage!!!
It doesn't matter what you do, whether is marriage or just residing at the same address, trust me the beginning of the end of the relationship!
Having said that...Good luck to the both of ya...:D
 GreySpot
Joined: 9/18/2005
Msg: 112
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Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 4/15/2006 8:54:45 PM
I agree that it's a bad idea if the object is to ultimately marry. If all you want is to "play house" with a friend with benefits thrown in, then by all means go for it. The problem with the live in arrangement is that it really doesn't work well as a trial marriage. Marriage requires a level of commitment way beyond that. Just living together implies that if and when the going gets tough or someone more interesting or exciting or youger comes along then, bye, I'm out of here. I can't comment on research because I'm not familiar with the work and I also know how difficult it is to accumulate meaningful statistics or set up research projects, but from my own experience, well I've tried it both ways and marriage is far better. The level of intimacy and support and caring is just so much greater. It has nothing to do with moral standards or what other people think, by the way.
 catman40
Joined: 5/29/2005
Msg: 113
Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 4/16/2006 5:13:18 AM
let's look at this . being married . is thee same as living together . BUT , the ball and chani is not when you live with someone . It is when you get married . and when your married it costs for a divorce . sure the sex is great when living together . married sex . If it even happens . All of those got married and are now divorced say " your the smart one " . I say how so , they tell me . for not getting married . 1 woman told me " before we got married . sex was great . after we got married no sex . "
 Bikeman_
Joined: 10/8/2005
Msg: 114
Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 4/16/2006 9:10:49 AM
@sayonara: I respect your feelings, moreso I respect my partner's privacy and independence, that is why I don't recommend people moving in together just for the sake of having more frequent sex. If you were my partner, I'd respect your opinion. I'm not forcing my opinion on anyone, just highlighting the logic of how living with someone for a semi-extended period of time can illuminate certain personal qualities about them that might be problematic had you learned about these qualities AFTER you got married to them.

If there are financial benefits to the scenario, and the couple is commited to each other, I see no problem with living together either. The only possible issue I really have regarding cohabitation is when people do it to facilitate sex, then they break up and wonder why the previous living arrangements have totally screwed up and complicated their life? Or they complain about being stuck in a bad relationship that they cannot escape. These people have no one to blame for their problems other than THEMSELVES.
 MyKidsDadIAm
Joined: 8/10/2005
Msg: 115
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Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 4/16/2006 10:13:38 AM
^^^^ life25: Google "divorce statistics" and you will have plenty of numbers.
 ShadowKnight59
Joined: 9/18/2005
Msg: 116
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Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 4/16/2006 10:18:11 AM
Hmmm, this research sounds to be a bit skewed. I would be interested in knowing who paid for it. Sounds like some kind of religious garbage. Of the people I know in long term marriages it is a mix. I also know people who have just lived together rather than doing the marriage thing and have been together for 20+ years.

So to me this study sounds like a load of hogwash.

Happy Easter,
Kevin
 MyKidsDadIAm
Joined: 8/10/2005
Msg: 117
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Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 4/16/2006 9:35:03 PM
Shadowknight and dogrescuer:

I have no doubt that there are people who may have been shacking up for many years and are happy. In my opinion, that is more of an exception. There indeed has been a tremendous amount of research that has been done in this area. In one research, that lasted almost 20 years, the researchers followed the families and if they divorced, they followed each partner and the kids and compiled their data on how it affected them. Divorce is sometimes a necessary choice when the physical well-being of either spouse and/or children is at stake. Other researchers have followed married and shacked up people and compiled their data respectively.

If you are interested in seeing some credible research data, www.americanvalues.org has plenty of material in that respect. Two of those, "Does Divorce Really Make People Happy?" and "Why marriage matters?" touch upon topic for this thread. A third one is related to it and is called "The Denial: Downplaying the Consequences of Family Structure for Children". Of course, there are so many other reports that you can browse through as and when you find time.

:)
 greyboxerbriefs
Joined: 4/4/2006
Msg: 118
Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 4/17/2006 12:59:52 AM
I personally MUST live with someone before I marry them. You NEVER truly know someone until you live with them and are around them all the time. Then you will know if you can really tolerate the person enough to marry them. You to live with them to know if you can survive their little "quirks" and habits.
 sayonara7
Joined: 3/13/2006
Msg: 119
Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 4/17/2006 7:17:01 AM
I agree with you lazyboy.I say marriage because as a woman in this crazy competitive world, I need to think of myself.What if the consequence of living together is a single mother with no father for the kid in the scenario.I mean guys can walk out anytime, it's the woman who is usually the one who has to take care of the kid, I'm not talking in terms of monetary matters here, I wouldn't even accept child support from the jerk if that happened to me, but the child needs fatherly support and all that and living together is always the easiest way to quit.Also, you can't be a single unwed mother and have a demanding carrier at the same time, you have to choose one over the other eventually and I would never want that for either me or my kid. I see these young 16-19 year old high school girls pregnant, when they should be thinking about their future and making a career.

P:S: Don't give me the BS about condoms and pills, because there's never a 100 % protection against pregnancy.
 ~softEDGE~
Joined: 6/12/2005
Msg: 120
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Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 4/18/2006 4:21:59 PM
it's a very personal decision to make between the people involved; and no one else.
judge and call it whatever you like, so as to make you feel so much better about yourselves fingerpointers, just remember: judge not, lest you be judged. (i think no one is perfect, and we are all perfect, heh.)

hopefully we are all, at this very moment, doing the utmost best we can and
we are all exactly where we are meant to be, seeing possibilities,
making carefully thought out choices, and doing whatever we see as best.

thankfully we don't have to answer to anyone but
our spiritual center if we have one and those we care most about.

in today's societies and cultures there are just too many types of families
and blended families for any one singular religious or spiritual choice to make sense for all.
i feel that those insisting their way is the ONLY right for all are selfish and not seeing the whole picture, but only from what is best or works for them and their own families and lives.
 blady
Joined: 8/5/2005
Msg: 121
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Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 9/24/2006 5:18:24 AM
The best "set-up" I have ever seen was when I visited Disney World. Mickey Mouse lives NEXT DOOR to Minnie Mouse!! This would be ideal for people too. You have your significant other close by but not up under you. You can share bed and meals if you like but at the same time be alone when you get tired of snoring in each other faces and each one does their own houskeeping, cooking, laundry etc. Yet you are close enough to "whistle" when you get in "the mood" !!!!! There is a house for sale two doors down the street I hope a nice single man in my age range will buy it!!! This might work for many married couples also, resulting in fewer divorces!!!!
 Dynamite_Smile
Joined: 8/15/2006
Msg: 122
Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 9/24/2006 5:26:24 AM
Some couples live together never having the expectations of marriage. Why is marriage the assumed destination? And why does being married make someone more moral than an individual who's living with someone? It's that high and mighty judgmental thinking that strikes me as immoral.
 Dynamite_Smile
Joined: 8/15/2006
Msg: 123
Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 9/24/2006 5:33:46 AM
^^blady, you're idea is right on the money. I had that arrangement for a year and it was the best of both worlds. It worked for me, but not for him. He wanted the whole enchalada.
 FunFab
Joined: 3/23/2006
Msg: 124
Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 9/24/2006 6:34:45 AM
I wish I would have lived with my ex-husband prior to marrying him...then I prolly wouldn't have married him...I would only marry again after living with someone...Just my opinion
 Mr_GentleMan
Joined: 9/14/2006
Msg: 125
sustaining a marriage is harder these days
Posted: 9/24/2006 8:43:49 AM
I lived with my ex before I got married but, people change and it's harder to sustain a marriage compared to over 30 years ago.

most women think that their boyfriend is going to marry them if they move in with them. not the case, guys are doing it because of financial reasons or they are secure in knowing that they have someone that is responsible and can pay the rent.

otherwise, if I was to get married again, I would not move in with my finacee. find out how they are before you move them in and have lots of "sleep" overs.

People need space sometimes and being married is not about having space. you are in your own realm.
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