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 Mr_GentleMan
Joined: 9/14/2006
Msg: 201
sustaining a marriage is harder these daysPage 9 of 12    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)
I lived with my ex before I got married but, people change and it's harder to sustain a marriage compared to over 30 years ago.

most women think that their boyfriend is going to marry them if they move in with them. not the case, guys are doing it because of financial reasons or they are secure in knowing that they have someone that is responsible and can pay the rent.

otherwise, if I was to get married again, I would not move in with my finacee. find out how they are before you move them in and have lots of "sleep" overs.

People need space sometimes and being married is not about having space. you are in your own realm.
 1qaw3ed
Joined: 7/18/2006
Msg: 202
Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 10/10/2006 9:26:26 AM
Lets have a group home of about three dozen of us (18 to 30 females) and have rotating sexual partners and see who we click with
 frespirit
Joined: 10/6/2006
Msg: 203
Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 10/12/2006 12:32:50 AM
I understand and have heard that, but for real, I'm not gonna play a guitar without first knowing if the strings were all attached right!!! MARRIAGE??!!! Oh my gosh....there must be a four letter word for that one!.....Figured it out....JAIL!!!!!! LOL!!
 FunFab
Joined: 3/23/2006
Msg: 204
Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 10/12/2006 7:11:44 AM

There is far greater probability of splitting up from a shackup environment, than otherwise in a commited, married one

well yeah...since you have to pay a lawyer and things could get really ugly in a marriage versus the other scenario of just leaving when things get bad....I must say tho that if the two are planning on having a family,then marriage is a more secure environment for the children,but what if you're in your 40,50,60's and there is no possibility of this? Maybe when I was 20,I would have said no to the living together...Nearly in my 40's,I say I'd do it now
 FN604
Joined: 10/15/2006
Msg: 205
Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 10/25/2006 11:20:22 PM
for me I would say 'bad idea' b/c I much prefer to do it differently that is he has own place and I have my own and not jumping into a love relationship or marriage too fast...(whats the rush?)...if things did not work out then while not living together then its a good thing n you still have your own place n independance.
 snowite
Joined: 2/28/2006
Msg: 206
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Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 10/25/2006 11:40:23 PM
Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 4/11/2006 8:07:35 AM
Boy.. this is my kind of thread!!!!...

Husbands and wives live together. Families live together. Everything else within the context of this thread is shacking up. Shacking up is nothing but free sex with absolutely no commitment. As Dr. Laura says, heck if you are going to shack up, why don't you charge for the sex that you are giving? Why give it for free? After all, w h o r e s charge for that.

In reply to this posting MYDADKID:

Whores give it away for free.
Prositutes charge money..
Sluts do everyone.

You should really understand the concept of the word before you let it ripp.
 shiloh444
Joined: 10/21/2006
Msg: 207
Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 10/29/2006 9:46:45 PM
I do not see anything wrong with living with someone before marriage,it does not take a piece of paper to say i love you or say i do,i believe people are much happier living commonlaw then marriage i see no difference its just a piece of paper ,if this ever happens to me im sure i wont be the first or the last so dont worry be happy
 marshw
Joined: 8/9/2005
Msg: 208
Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 10/29/2006 10:32:58 PM
I'm not marrying anyone I have not lived with for a whole year and I don't care what anyone says about it.
 bathurstman
Joined: 8/19/2006
Msg: 209
Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 10/30/2006 12:44:21 AM
well it depends on people views.each theyre opinions.i think its a good thing cause i dont nessesarily want to get married so.so yes i believe living together is not a bad thing without getting married.cause u get to know someone better to see if they are someone u could live with forever.to see how compatible u are.better to know now than after your married dont u think.cause sometimes u get surprises once u live with someone.things change sometimes.people start changing once u live with them.
 DevineDene
Joined: 10/12/2006
Msg: 210
Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 10/30/2006 12:55:35 AM
As to the posted question of living together ((before)) marriage. No, I don't think it is a good idea.
As Runs with Squirrels post 96 so eloquently stated choose either/or but not both. Having been there done that I learned two important lessons.
1- No matter how long you have lived with someone you do not know that person. People change, grow, develope, evolve. Heck I know I am not the same woman I was at twenty.
2- There is a different level of commitment involved in marriage, which does cause both parties to view each other and their circumstances in a new way.

I think its best to decide just how much you personally want to commit to making things work out. If you still need to see if you can 'put up' with the others foibles then what on earth is wrong with extending the courtship? I just have to grit my teeth every time I read some comparisons people are using on here. "You don't buy a car/dress/house etc. without testing/trying it out. For pity's sake, we are people not inanimate objects! We are dynamic, ever changing. Would it not be better to ask yourself, 'Am I willing to go the long haul for this person, do I ever want to live without this person in my life?'

I'm not advocating either choice, what I am advocating is that you choose. If you feel you need to hedge your bets (as in not sure you can stick it out) then maybe living together is your choice. If you feel it would end your world to not be with this person, then marry.

I personally do not see myself ever 'shacking up' again. I am self sufficient in the area of lifes neccesities, so I can't see why I'd want to disrupt a perfectly working system just to see if he puts the lid down on the toilet, or snores, or leaves his shorts...well you get the point. What I desire is love, that soul bearing can't live without feeling of pure connection. If I do not find that I may choose to have a friendship or I may choose to be his lover. He, whomever he may be, would be fully informed of my choice and of course have a say. However; should I be so lucky as to find that special someone who rocks my heart and soul and I his, then I would remarry and not give a dam about toilet seats etc.
To summarize my rather lengthy opinion. Marriage is yes you are THE ONE. Shacking up is maybe but I don't want to be alone so you'll do for now.
JMO
DD
 Servitude
Joined: 10/16/2006
Msg: 211
Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 10/30/2006 2:41:46 AM
I really enjoyed the posts about how if you just live together that this is getting free sex. Someone want to explain to me how sex is something that I would ever have to pay for? I don’t think so, a relationship or a marriage either one comes with sex. I do not wish to think of it as something I should have to pay for. Those women or men that do are obviously using sex as a way of control, then comes divorce.
Speaking of paying for things, why do we have to pay for love? Why should anyone have to sign a piece of paper that gives the other legal right to all of my things, property, money, ect? I have met a large number of women who are doing just that. They may marry five or six times in there life to get the property, alimony, child support and on and on.
In every divorce there is a battle for money, property and custody. These have been the leading reasons why I never wish to remarry, this is sickening in its function. This is not what love is about and to be honest we will never know how the other will be in the years ahead as those times come upon them. She may say today that she would never do that, don’t believe it, never believe it.
So live together and get legal documents that you both sign that protects your assets, trust me on this. If you have never married, never do it....
 rainy37
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 212
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Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 11/6/2006 6:28:54 AM
I think it all depends on what the two of you believe in. If you have no problem splitting at the first disagreement then it's probably not a good idea. On the other hand if you think like that then what would a marriage certificate change???
 fr0gkiss3r
Joined: 10/1/2006
Msg: 213
Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 11/6/2006 6:37:04 AM
From post #4:

"You never really know someone till you live with them and dang! I am getting to know my so called future husband before hand! I want to know waht I am getting myself into and it if is all good in my books!"

That's the problem - nothing is "all good" in marriage. The attitude of "If something goes wrong, I can just leave" also applies to divorce, not just breakups!

Unless you want children, marriage is pointless.
 alexandria_gal
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 214
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Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 11/6/2006 10:48:14 PM
I lived with my husband for many years before we got married. We owned a house together, had joint accounts, investments, wills and were each others beneficiaries on everything. The only reason we stopped living together is because he died. Getting married didn't change anything in our relationship except that we filed a joint tax return after the marriage. We were happy before, and happy afterwards.

Regarding "common law marriage"

I realize that a lot of people here are not from the United States. In Canada common law unions exist. In the United States common law marriage is all but extinct. In the few states that still recognize it, you have to hold yourself out to be husband and wife and generally comingle funds, etc. However, only around 10 states in the US still recognize common law marriage, and another 5 recognize ones created in the past. Although common law unions are not marriages, if at some point you decide to separate, you will need to obtain a divorce.

No one in the US should live together and assume that they are "common law". Most of the time that will not be the case. My husband and I lived in Virginia. Even though we lived in a manner that most people would have considered marriage-like, we never would have been considered common law, because Virginia does not recognize common law marriage.

For anyone interested, the Wikipedia has a pretty good summary of common law in many countries, including the US:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Common-law_marriage
 robotlordoftokyo
Joined: 10/24/2005
Msg: 215
Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 11/7/2006 4:16:50 PM
In my experience living with a woman is already a kind of marriage without all the formalities. I think taking on all the responsibilities of living with someone before you're ready for the committment of a marriage can be a pretty big obstacle to face when you're still getting to know someone. If you really have serious concerns about your partner's living habits you don't actually have to commit to that to find out.

I think the best bet is to just watch how they live with other people. If they have a room mate or live at home that's the true test. My uncle ,very wise man when it comes to this kind a stuff, once told me not to pay so much attention as to how a woman works with you as to how she works with everybody else in her life who was there before you met her because eventually that is how you will be treated and that's what you'll have to live with.

P.S.: I've tied my uncle to a chair and forced him to write all his secrets down which I plan on taking with me in my time machine back to when his advice would have done me any good but I was a pretty stubborn youth and I'm pretty sure I won't listen to me either.

Wish me luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 sumthnsexi
Joined: 9/26/2006
Msg: 216
Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 11/11/2006 6:50:34 PM
I don't necessarily believe in "shacking up" however for my own personal reasons, I am doing so. Some of the reasons are selfish, however a lot of the reasons include my son as well as my boyfriend's son from a previous relationship. I honestly wouldn't advise shacking up, there's too much "drama" involved in it because basically you're shortchanging yourself. Most men believe "why make that next step if we're already living together? what's the difference?" Ladies, unless it's a dire situation, I wouldn't advise it.
 sumthnsexi
Joined: 9/26/2006
Msg: 217
Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 11/11/2006 6:54:52 PM
By the way...what's the big deal about the toilet seat being left up? My boyfriend and I live together and he also has a potty trained son, sometimes the lid is up, sometimes it's not...what's so hard about just putting the lid down b4 u pee? Now that I think about it, the seat is hardly ever left up, so i guess i'm one of the lucky ones, lol.
 YamIhere
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 218
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Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 11/11/2006 7:10:54 PM
Wow, I forgot all about this thread ... this has to be the longest thread I started in which I never actually expressed an opinion.

Quite frankly, I think any sort of cohabitation is a waste of time.
 arri
Joined: 10/5/2005
Msg: 219
Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 11/11/2006 7:14:30 PM
^^^ unless you need regular sex, and someone to do your laundry and make your lunches
 YamIhere
Joined: 3/17/2005
Msg: 220
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Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 11/11/2006 7:46:24 PM
come on now, Arri, you've known me long enough. First of all, cohabitation is no guarantee of regular sex. I know people who have had more sex while in a five-year coma than I had while married. And someone to do your laundry and make your lunches?!?!?!? Point me to that woman. I haven't met her, unless it's my mom I do always find it interesting when reading forums to read all these statements from women talking about all the things they do for their men. It leads me to believe that there must be some women out there that actually do things for men rather than just taking all of the time. Then I remember that this is the Internet and anyone can write anything they want here. I mean, if I told people I was the king of Luxemborg it would be just as credible.
 dave1234
Joined: 11/7/2004
Msg: 221
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Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 11/12/2006 7:33:29 AM

(Msg 221) what's so hard about just putting the lid down b4 u pee?


I remember my Ex "falling" in the toilet one night. She started on about leaving the seat up. I asked her who would put their bare a$$ anywhere without first looking where they're putting it. By the way, what do ladies do if the lid is also down? Do they sit first and then get up and lift the lid? Inquiring minds want to know.


(Msg 224) First of all, cohabitation is no guarantee of regular sex.


That's when it's time to un-cohabit.
I agree with Arri. I mean, we don't really need a refrigerator either. Every time we're hungry we could go out and get food but it's much more convenient having an accessible supply at home.
 BlondBlueEyez
Joined: 8/27/2006
Msg: 222
Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 11/12/2006 7:45:30 AM
take that desire that you have to live with your man to be your desire to marry him instead.....go for it and give it your all instead of "seeing how things go"......only move in after you have set a wedding date and need to save some money for the wedding....you will know during the course of your daily relationship whether or not the 2 of you can work through issues and problems and come out good when its all done and said....i have lived with 2 men before but i was engaged first--sure it didn't work out but it still made me feel more secure with us knowing that we had that type of strong commitment to begin with....
 new man on pof
Joined: 9/6/2006
Msg: 223
Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 11/18/2006 12:03:36 AM
too bad you feel that way-any ideas on how to really know some1 unless you live with them?

This has nothing to do with sluts-prostitutes-whores-- I livedwith a woman for 1 year and found out what she was really like--So glad i didnt marry her
 Ama-mo
Joined: 3/23/2006
Msg: 224
Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 11/18/2006 4:31:51 AM
I can believe that there is a higher divorce rate for those who live together before marriage, but maybe for a whole variety of other reasons that this psychologist has not explored.

1) Many people will not live together for religious/moral reasons...the same reasons that they would never get a divorce. (The other side being that those who would live together are more open to the idea of divorce.)
2) Having had the experience, it is easier to take the other person a little more for granted than you otherwise might (that was a learning experience for me)
3) Some people may see it as an easy way to get sex, love, connection without the commitment....tho I would hate to think that these people were in the majority

I think there are too many variables in this particular study to make any kind of causal connection. I don't know that I could marry someone without sharing intimate space with them first. You really don't know a person until you have lived with them. On the other hand, if you have a commitment already, maybe you are just more willing/motivated to work out the details. I hate to use this parallel, but to me it would be like buying a car without test driving it first (what if the wheels fall off after I buy it?! lol).
 nomenome
Joined: 9/7/2006
Msg: 225
Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 11/18/2006 4:43:59 AM
I'd like to live together first. But, I would only live together if we were actually discussing and planning to move the relationship further along... And, i would not live together forever before getting married. But I want to know how we mesh under the same roof. See if there are any major issues that we need to get ironed out - I have my quirks, and most guys do too. It's easy to be on your good behavior when someone comes over for a few hours here and there - another thing entirely when they see you all the time...
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