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 diverdown7
Joined: 11/27/2006
Msg: 164
Living together before marriage a bad idea?Page 9 of 12    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)
Ok, again just my opinion and also what I have seen.

I have known couple to live together for as long as 5 years before they got married and life was great for them, however once the rings were on the fingers and ownership papers were signed the marriages were over within a year so yes things do change.

I also agree with the fact that getting married without truly knowing how one carries on a there daily routine and there habit they may do when you aren't around is kinda like buying a $200,000 sports car from Italy without even test driving it.

I also have known friends that only dated a month or two and have been married happily over 20 years, and some who dated 3 or 4 years and divorced within 2 years.

So what I am saying things do change once you put the rings on, now whether it is for the better or worse that is up to the individual couple. That is my take on the subject
 aalhazzred
Joined: 12/23/2006
Msg: 165
Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 1/25/2007 12:44:30 PM
No, the only "bad" idea is getting married.
 OriginalLeo
Joined: 11/7/2006
Msg: 166
Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 1/25/2007 2:09:01 PM
Ok I may get some heat for how i word this . So I'll put on the suit of armor and hope for the best...

I think Living together is almost a requirment . I mean lets just say that 50 & of all marages end in devorce. 25 % of those left are together only because they do not wnat to do thedating game al over again.. (not that I blame them). So with the left over 25% happy.. I say you need help.. Living together allows you to see just what this person really brings to the table .. You dont buy the car without a test drive right? Some times you may .. living sepratly get along well.. Thats diffrent then being there 24 Hrs .. when all the bad habbits come out ..day after day after day..It sucks to break up at all but well it costs what 25 bucks for a marage licence? (Never been married myself) and like over 500 for a devorce.. I say make sure your going to stay married before doing so.. I relize that living together does not make a 100% chance and some say why buy the cow when you can get the milk free.. Well I say If you love the cow your not going to want anyone else drinking that cows milk .. LOL so your going to do whats nessasary to hold on to it.. But ofcourse since when does being married mean the person will stay with you? All in all Its love .. It doesnt need a piece of paper.. But someday Id like to have one .. Just because its the ultimate commitment in my book anyway.. thats why when it comes to being married Im still a virgin.. Wow .. never thaught i could use that word ever again with me in the same sentince
 ~Brook~
Joined: 10/23/2006
Msg: 167
Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 1/25/2007 2:25:08 PM
I wouldn't marry anyone I didnt live with first.......How are you supposed to know what there quirks are? and if your really and truly compatible?????

and NO staying at his/her house on the week-ends is not the same thing, neither is staying for a week or a really long vacation *shakes head* I love how people make no sense sometimes
 blady
Joined: 8/5/2005
Msg: 168
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Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 1/26/2007 11:43:00 PM
I understand the part about living together before marriage, that is if marriage is the goal. If it is not the goal,that is fine too. My advice is to have some kind of legal papers. If not a certificate of marriage at least get your name on the deed or lease!! Do not take the chance of being thrown out into the streets in the event of the death of your partner or
the unfortunate breakup of the union.
 johnnynoname
Joined: 5/21/2006
Msg: 169
Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 1/27/2007 12:21:00 AM
you have to live w/ her first. how funky is her breath in the morning? how ugly is she w/out make up? does she really stink up the bathroom? once i smelled my girl after a #2 and had to let her go. it was very traumatic
 blady
Joined: 8/5/2005
Msg: 170
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Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 1/27/2007 12:50:20 AM
@johnny;
So your b.ms. smell like a bed of roses???? Get real you sound like Donald Trump . He told his wife not to fart in the same room with him!!! Do you want a human woman or a robot
that does not have bodily functions?? Have you found a new lady that does not have b.ms?
 rederer1
Joined: 8/7/2006
Msg: 171
Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 1/27/2007 12:50:42 AM
Not living with someone before marrying them is probably the worst idea I've ever heard of...excluding genocide, I have to say that genocide is the worst idea I've ever heard.
 Inigo_Montoya
Joined: 10/17/2006
Msg: 172
Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 1/27/2007 12:52:18 AM
I don't buy that; I think living together with someone truly helps to build an appreciation for your partner. That and dating vs. living together is VASTLY different. You really get a sense of someone when you both start sharing each others space.

I've known people that have dated for years and have broken up within months of living together - they found them just how uncompatible they were. I've also known couples that have dated and lived together for years; they've done well, especially now that theyr'e married.

That said, the opposite I'm sure could be true (half a dozen of one; 6 of the other) but each couples chemistry is different and if things are going to work; that couple will find a way to make things work. If not, then they will find out soon enough.

IM
 johnnynoname
Joined: 5/21/2006
Msg: 173
Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 1/27/2007 1:04:41 AM

@johnny;
So your b.ms. smell like a bed of roses???? Get real you sound like Donald Trump . He told his wife not to fart in the same room with him!!! Do you want a human woman or a robot
that does not have bodily functions?? Have you found a new lady that does not have b.ms?


i have a shirt that says "girls don't poop." although i am sure this is not true, i like to pretend it is. so when a girl crosses this line and let's me know it isn't true, it is time to end things. on the other hand, guys are expected to make smells.
 JustCallMeMike
Joined: 5/29/2006
Msg: 174
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Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 1/27/2007 4:28:43 AM
For those of us who believe that their is a God (or whatever other name you call Him by) and that He has set the guidelines for the universe...The researchers discoveries are right. There is a reason why God said, "And for this reason will a man leave his parents and cleave unto his wife." Wife, not girlfriend, not f-buddy, not SO, not soon to be wife, WIFE.

1.Living together forges a mental, physical, and spiritual union. We are in effect saying that you are so much a match for me I am willing to see IF you can be a spouse to me. So, now you each try to make up a place that is habitable for the both of you.
2. You agree that each of you pay half the rent and utilities (only friends and relatives do that, not spouses (well at least not most of them)).
3. You are learning things about each other that would be best to learn after marriage (of course most of you are going to think I am wrong, but then again I am of a different thought, insight, and understanding about the world around me).
4. You are experimenting with things that only married people of the right union can understand, deal with, and overcome.

There is even a study that shows that most divorces ARE from those who did choose to live together first. Don't get me wrong, this world ALWAYS have exceptions to the rules, and those exceptions should count themselves blessed. In this case, we are talking about numbers, and the reason behind those numbers. And it is again, because this world (meaning humanity) refuses to live according to the will that first created this universe. We are so full of our ownself righteousness (yes even I have it once in a while) and what we believe is right, we can't see the cliff a head of us. But, the proof is there of the truth, the question is, are you ready to accept it and live by it?

To answer your question: sex and living together before marriage is not only a bad idea, but it is a spiritually wrong and hurtful idea.
 JustCallMeMike
Joined: 5/29/2006
Msg: 175
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Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 1/27/2007 4:35:53 AM
I wouldn't marry anyone I didnt live with first.......How are you supposed to know what there quirks are? and if your really and truly compatible?????


Just like a your boyfriend/husband will never, ever, never ever, find out every quirk about you, the same is true with you discovering his. THAT IS WHAT MAKES LOVE FUN AND INTERESTING. Do you really want to know EVERYTHING about a person that you love, or do you want them to shock and amaze you once in a while. And again, there are different revelations that happens AFTER your get married, never before. You can thank God for that. That is because secretly there is a mindset that ONLY married people can discover and that is when that blowing milk bubbles with your nose becomes disgusting and childish to him (instead of cute and sexy) and that is when his ability to do Mozart tunes with his sphincter becomes boring and stupid (instead of exciting and clever). This is when TRUE LOVE shows its face.

Compatibleness is something forged, not instanteous. It is something worked at, not hapenstance.

$1M question for you Brook (or anyone else who believes living together first is a must). So, what you are telling us is that if you are in a relationship, I am talking the bells and whistles are blaring. The streamers are showing you. Everything in the universe has brought you to this man who YOU KNOW WITHOUT A DOUBT that God has made for you...That if he saids he does not wish to live with you or even have you spend the night over at his place out of personal beliefs, you would dump him? Or refuse to marry him if he asked?
 loyalheart5
Joined: 9/8/2006
Msg: 176
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Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 1/27/2007 4:56:56 AM
I agree with you. But I think it goes one step further than that. It's not just the matter of living together ,, it's the premarital sex. And biblically that's wrong. It's the two becoming one factor. And I won't be doing that till I find THE right man and it won't be till our wedding night. I realize by today's world standards, the majority can't conceive that kind of thinking. But I will not compromise my morals for anyone. I figure the right man, will be willing to wait and I would sure hope he would have the same morals. Rules apply to both sexes, not just us gals.

Never added a thread before, but this one hit home.
 NewToMichiana
Joined: 6/6/2009
Msg: 177
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Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 8/14/2009 5:00:37 PM

I just read a piece by psychologist and syndicated columnist James Dobson who said one of the worst mistakes a couple can make is living together prior to marriage. He said research on five decades of statistics have revealed that those who lived together prior to marriage have a 50% higher incident rate of divorce than couples who only lived together post marriage.

I quote:
Why? The researchers found those who had lived together later regretted having “violated their moral standards,” and “felt a loss of personal freedom to exit out the back door.”
Furthermore, they have “stolen” a level of intimacy that is not warranted at that point, not has it been validated by the degree of commitment to each other.

Kind of flies in the face of what you might expect.

Thoughts?


I would want to agree with the thought process being that if they were willing to wait, they probably were a little more patient people. Being patient people, they could probably deal with hardships better since they both have patience.

I've gained a lot of insight into who I am and who I am searching for. I think now, I have more patience. I'm thinking if it were a "living together" situation now, it wouldn't necessarily be a precursor to see if we could "make it" rather just a simple desire be with each other as a marriage does take time to plan and execute,,,

funny that I used marriage and execute together,,,
Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 8/20/2009 4:14:16 AM
I agree with you. But I think it goes one step further than that. It's not just the matter of living together ,, it's the premarital sex. And biblically that's wrong. It's the two becoming one factor. And I won't be doing that till I find THE right man and it won't be till our wedding night. I realize by today's world standards, the majority can't conceive that kind of thinking. But I will not compromise my morals for anyone. I figure the right man, will be willing to wait and I would sure hope he would have the same morals. Rules apply to both sexes, not just us gals.

I agree with what she said!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 heartseekertrue
Joined: 6/24/2008
Msg: 179
Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 8/20/2009 4:26:06 AM
Not going to address the clear social value bias, profferred moral etiology, or any somesuch....
BUT research clearly indicates cohabiting DOES significantly REDUCE the ensuing marriages longevity and reported marital satisfaction.

Undoubtedly, there are varied and diverse causes for this phenomenon.
Undoubtedly there will be many more individuals in thread claiming their own anecdotes as incontrovertible proof that sociology doesn't know of what it reports....

I'd hazard a guess (this is science; ask more intelligent questions, instead of demanding concrete proofs to not tapply critical objective thought further) that a possible reason (it has been suggested, sans the obvious moral value judgment) might be that the co-habitors have, for the basis of their relationship, the underlying "commitment-free" decision....and when things go awry (properly, maybe?) they decide to seek another relationship instead of working on their inter-relational (or personal) shortcomings.
 heartseekertrue
Joined: 6/24/2008
Msg: 180
Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 8/20/2009 5:19:38 AM

People like the get out clause that shacking up gives

i'm sayin...
methinks people shack..(and marry)...too casually. But its not mine to judge.
I'd not do it either, dawg.

Knowing self, and if i am healthy to commit...is more important than knowing my
apparent and superficial needs are satisfied. If i "park" there, personal growth dies too.
And then I'll likely blame the other...and wander off easily....
woof!
 BlondE324
Joined: 6/17/2008
Msg: 181
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Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 8/20/2009 6:20:38 AM
My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. We just recently moved in together. When we first started dating we said that we wouldn't move in together before a year AND that we would live together before we got married. I wanted to know what I was getting. If we could make it work being together. I don't regret moving in together. I wouldn't even consider the possibility of getting engaged until we lived together. Now that we know we can do this, I'm excited about the possibility of getting engaged. We are very much in love and want to build a life together.
 ForRumOnly
Joined: 3/16/2009
Msg: 182
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Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 8/20/2009 6:23:58 AM
Personally, I will never again marry without living together first, and marriage is optional for me. I have no moral issues about living together, as long as we treat each other ethically. Anyway, without reading the study on which the conclusion is based, and gaining an understanding of why marriages after cohabitating fail at a higher rate (and in what time frame), I wouldn't worry about the study. Statistics may indicate overall trends, but as an individual I may well be an exception.
 big pacific
Joined: 7/2/2009
Msg: 183
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Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 8/20/2009 6:36:49 AM
Personally, I'd never marry without living together first. I don't give a f*** about statistics, they don't apply to me.

You ever met a person that told you they were in the bottom quartile of Intelligence? Didn't think so, but i bet a bunch of people tell you they scored in the top 10% of some stupid quiz.

I just don't see how some trailer couple in missouri or some rich couple where ever has ANY bearing on MY relationship choices or outcomes.

My question to you all is, are you the statistic?
 varinia
Joined: 1/1/2009
Msg: 184
Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 8/20/2009 6:55:42 AM
Frankly, I don't really care about marriage. In fact, I'd prefer to not get married, but I would if this was really important to him. But to me ,when I'm in a relationship I'm committed.

Living together is just a natural progression and I don't go by a certain timetable as to when that should or shouldn't happen. To me it's about enjoying being together now and not what may or may not happen down the road. There's a good chance that the relationship may not be 'til death do us part' (most don't), so I would just want to enjoy the NOW, instead of living for some future potential. It's really easy to miss living, if we follow a lot of shoulds or shouldn'ts like that.

Someone brought up a question about staying or leaving a man that won't live together before marriage. Chances are that I would never get together in the first place with that kind of man. Our thinking wouldn't be very compatible, as I don't really follow traditional norms too much, but make my own choices.
 HazelRose
Joined: 6/15/2009
Msg: 185
Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 8/20/2009 6:59:54 AM
I have done the living with a guy, and I am so glad we did not get married! He was obssessive compulsive to a degree I had never known. He was controlling and psychologically abusive to the point I threw him out. That was 4 years ago, and to ths day he still asks about me!
 monalee1
Joined: 10/22/2007
Msg: 186
Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 8/20/2009 7:03:22 AM
hi.. for me it all boils down to doing things Gods Way in order to give myself the Best fighting chance.. I tell my teen and her boyfriend, if the relationship is important enough to you then take God and His Blessings with you, in this world you will need it... no to living together, no dress rehearsals.. yes to the commitment of marriage... many blessings
 ForRumOnly
Joined: 3/16/2009
Msg: 187
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Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 8/20/2009 8:41:04 AM
Excerpt from a very recent followup study:


The real question is whether or not cohabitation leads to divorce, or whether cohabitation is practiced by people who are less stable financially or emotionally than those who live apart. Well, the answer is very difficult to discover from a questionnaire. This type of analysis requires in-depth study of individual couples, which was not part of the Denver study.

Stanley reasons, it could very well be, that cohabitation doesn’t weaken relationships and that the relationships at risk may have involved pregnancy or people who were too weak to be in a relationship, in the first place


The later results also showed that if a couple were engaged or otherwise had intentions to marry at the time they began cohabitating, there was no impact on the likelihood of divorcing after marrying.
 ItsMargo
Joined: 4/24/2007
Msg: 188
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Living together before marriage a bad idea?
Posted: 8/20/2009 4:04:04 PM
I once spent an afternoon schloshing through all of the research on why more relationships that began with living together prior to marriage ended than those that went direct to marriage. Much of the research is flawed, but one of the things I gleaned from it was the habits we form and their effect on the way we interact or relate together.

People who live together with a "one foot in and one foot out" attitude are developing those habits and way of thinking about their relationship and each other. Being married doesn't necessarily eradicate this attitude or approach... so it is more likely that they will split up when they encounter problems in the relationship.
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