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Joined: 1/29/2007
Msg: 160
WHY DON'T MEN TAKE THE FIRST STEP?Page 2 of 13    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)
^^^^^^ Now this poster has a good point!
Joined: 8/13/2006
Msg: 164
Posted: 5/31/2007 7:56:14 AM
Men don't take the first step?....difficult to generalize. Like many women have already posted, the problem isn't enough men taking the first step, but too many of the "wrong" ones do…lol. If many women find the quality of men responding to their profile is lacking, then don't just sit back and wait for something better, do some searches based on the criteria you want and contact them instead. There are no guarantees with this, but at least that puts you in the driver's seat and eliminates your dependency of being at the mercy of only those that contact you.

I've found even in this day and age of seeming gender equality, most women do not make first contact. The dating dance is still pretty much up to guys to initiate and pursue. Some men have no problem with this and accept the role, while others find it just too time-consuming, soul-deadening (from too many rejections), and counter-productive.

My take is NOBODY should pursue. If there's MUTUAL attraction, you BOTH should invest the time, expense, and effort to get to know each other. Don't get carried away with the initial bloom of interest based on just a profile, pics, and some witty back and forth. Internet dating, like any dating, is an incremental process and should be taken in steps. Once there's initial attraction from "both" parties, get to know each other by asking substantive questions (btw, it shouldn't take weeks or months of emailing; you should get a good take of the other person fairly quickly). This doesn't mean some silly, innocuous dialogue about sex or what you like to do for fun, but asking things that get to the heart of a person's personality and uncovering the traits of what you're seeking in a partner.

If you get past this stage and still interested in each other --- meet in person. To me there's absolutely no substitute for spending time with each other. That's why I'm not a big fan of long distance dating.

If you spend time with each other and actually enjoy each other's company, congratulations, you've just graduated from the FIRST step in a successful relationship. There are many more to follow for true, lasting success, but at least you've made a start.

~ Mo
Joined: 8/13/2006
Msg: 173
Posted: 6/1/2007 4:05:34 PM
True, it’s very easy to get jaded and cynical with this. But that can happen with a lot of things in life. Who’s to blame? All of us, because WE ARE Internet dating, especially on free sites like this. WE are the ones that hold the keys. We’re not controlled by some mysterious, behind the scenes Dating Oracle or mesmerized and manipulated by some Dating Guru.

We’re all to some degree responsible --- from the immature, scatological jackasses that make a lamp post look smart, to the ones that allow themselves to get suckered by slick promises and appeals to vanity, to the arrogant narcissists that want trophy wives and husbands because they think they DESERVE the best.

Being burned or disillusioned or hurt is always from “other” people, never at one’s own hands. It’s always another person’s fault. I’ve RARELY read one thing in all the pages of posts in all the dating sites on the Internet where individuals take personal responsibility, or even acceptance (however mild), of their own infallibility, discrepancies, shortcomings, and faults. I sincerely believe most, deep down, actually think, “Well, God, I’m the frickin’ prize in any relationship, aren’t I? A partner should be damn lucky to have this --- I mean, look at me? Am I not the most talented, intelligent, beautiful, handsome, caring, brave example of a human specimen in existence?” The amount of arrogance I see is truly unbelievable, and seemingly boundless.

Forgive me, but I don’t see a lot of Victoria’s Secret models and Renaissance genius millionaires on these sites. What I DO see is a lot of talented, nice, but ultimately average people in straightforward jobs trying to get ahead in a crazy, topsy-turvy world.

I think only when people pull back, take a hard, honest look at themselves in the mirror and “realistically” appraise their strengths and weaknesses, will REAL dating (and what most of us are looking for -- a successful relationship) be given a chance.
Joined: 4/10/2007
Msg: 181
view profile
Posted: 6/2/2007 7:49:41 PM
You see there are thoose men like me who r the good guys and always are last, women always go for the bad asses who end up being the wrong choice and bein an ass themselves. Yes booth parties are to blame but I think women need to have more insight before geting hurt them selves by these A holes
Joined: 8/13/2006
Msg: 182
Posted: 6/6/2007 11:15:16 AM
Just a general observation, but I get the distinct impression some people evidently believe you just need to put up a profile and your soulmate comes running. I'm curious, does ANYTHING in your life work that way, or is that easy? I know in my life it isn'

Anything worthwhile takes effort, and finding a compatible partner and creating a happy relationship, though not akin to scaling Everest, is pretty darn near the top of the list.

If you lament the quality of choices that are answering your profile, get off your duff and be proactive. Do some searches and contact people YOURSELF, ones YOU find appealing.

If you're constantly turned down, ignored, or outright blocked, don't blame everybody else. Try looking at yourself and examine the reasons why. They're usually right at your doorstep.

Internet dating is NOT going to do all this work for you. It's just a tool to bring (hopefully) like-minded people together in a common forum so they can interact and (hopefully) find a connection. For many of us this process may take months or years. Some may NEVER find a partner? Is that Internet's fault? Of course not.
Joined: 8/13/2006
Msg: 187
Posted: 6/14/2007 5:13:30 AM
Completely agree with above.

Look guys, women get much more attention on these dating sites then men, and good-looking women get tons more than that! So if you write these women and they don't return your messages don't get bitter, or go into deep therapy, or throw your hands up in despair, just move on. Take a break if you have to and come back with renewed optimism, but be more realistic about all this. DO NOT blame all your troubles on women.

Now, you women have some responsibility in this, too. I can't tell you how many times I've heard and read women criticize the quality of responses they get and even lower quality of men doing the responding. I then find out in the vast majority of cases the women don't search out and write men that fit their criteria. They're content to sit back and apparently believe Mr Wonderful is endowed with ESP and will pick them out of the crowd with laser precision. Some women are even brazen enough to say they don't write men, period. They're so hot, beautiful, and sexy men fall over themselves to shower them with attention, anyway, so why should they have to work at this? It's the guys job to pursue them, not the other way around. How Well, if you're angry about the responses you get then DO something about it. Take some initiative and write men yourselves.

Sheesh, this isn't rocket science, people…lol

Joined: 8/13/2006
Msg: 196
Posted: 6/15/2007 6:08:58 AM
I hear what you're saying, Kultured, but again, keep in mind gorgeous women with great pics get so many emails that to answer them all would literally become a fulltime job. In some cases, women have told me they get "on average" 20 to 30 emails a day. I don't know about you, but there's no way I'd respond to everyone if I got that many.

We also have to recognize the "Jerk" factor. Apparently many guys can't take no for an answer, no matter how politely a woman puts it. If a woman shows courtesy and answers, even just once, to say thanks for the message but she's not interested, guys (too many, it seems) will run with it and keep responding back. They must think, "Hey, she responded so she must be interested, regardless of what she says?" They use it as a foot in the door and never let up. In a word, they become

Or some go ballistic over the rejection and write back nasty comments that are completely uncalled for.

After putting up with a few of these idiots I'd absolutely sympathize if a woman says "No More!", and makes it her policy to only answer messages from guys she's truly interested in.

I know not getting a response back feels cold and cruel, and many believe they're entitled to a response out of common courtesy, but I never obsess over it. I know there could be legitimate reasons why I never get one.

One more thing. Nobody is OBLIGATED to respond on dating sites. It's up to the individual. No one can "force" a person into liking them. As for me, maybe she read something in my profile that turned her off, or she's not attracted after seeing my pics, or she's not in dating mode right now ..... whatever. Don't get angry or hurt over it, move on. There are a hundred dating sites out here with literally thousands of choices.

Joined: 4/30/2007
Msg: 199
Posted: 6/17/2007 4:23:26 PM

The trouble is they are all going after the same pretty faces who get hundreds of e-mails and of which, far too many are using stock photos of models! The women are responding to the same pretty faces who get hundreds of e-mails and of which, far too many are using stock photos of models!

You are very close.. There may be people posting 'stock photos' because they think that is the only way anyone is ever going to get any messages in here - and they are right. It doesn't get them anywhere because at some point they will have to consider meeting the person. It is a waste of time but it gets rather boring to sit looking at an empty mail box every day if you don't have a picture of yourself looking like a model.

Most guys are only looking for a pretty face with the body of a model. If you don't look like that, you aren't going to get any man to take the first step. If you do look like that, you won't have time to respond to any messages because every time you log on, their computer freezes up with 100s of guys wanting to talk to them at the same time. Some guys don't bother to contact girls like that beacause they know it is probably a good chance she won't have time to talk to them, but most guys don't want to lower their standards to consider messaging or talking to anyone who doesn't look like that. They would rather take their chaces going after the pretty face and hope some day she will have time for them at some point, because they think are better than the next guy who is after her and she will choose him over the 100os of other guys who is after the same 'pretty face' because he is so very special. ... 'Pretty faces' are really busy, but they are busy for the wrong reason. The sad reality is - they are the only kind of people who will ever get anywhere in a place like this.

Look at the profiles of the girls who have the 'pretty face' and the girls who don't and see how many friends they have. The pretty faces have 100 or more - the average looking girls have 4 or 5 at most. It is pretty clear what the problem is. If you are lucky enough to be able to talk to the girl with 0ver 100 friends, you will probably find out she is can't keep up with the mail in her mail box.

It isn't fun not to be popular at all and be treated like you shouldn't be alive because you don't look good enough for anyone, but I wouldn't want to be too popular for the wrong reasons either.
Joined: 8/13/2006
Msg: 201
Posted: 6/17/2007 8:58:59 PM
I agee with Wanda about one thing, very attractive people (men “and” women) will get much more attention than average looking people, and not just with dating, in ALL walks of life.

But is that really a revelation? Is that some cosmic secret? Pffffft....of course not.

Personally, I think it actually works against them. It takes an extremely strong personality to avoid getting carried away with all the fawning and ego boosting and remain humble, levelheaded, and firmly planted on the ground.

You can’t help but start believing all the hype after awhile, and, frankly, I haven’t seen people handle it too well. They either become extremely narcissistic, high maintenance, demanding, and superior to mere mortals, or they rebel and become bitter and cynical. I've seen very few adjust positively.

Where does that leave the rest of us with dating? It means we have to be honest about what we want, what we can attract, and what we can get.
Joined: 3/7/2006
Msg: 205
view profile
Posted: 6/24/2007 10:31:15 AM
Going all the way back to OP and the question at hand, and don't take this the wrong way, but men DO take the first step, but some of us only do it when we feel there is potential for a connection. I still have most of a membership at a paid site because after a year or so of being there, I actually read a profile from someone that really wowed me. So I bought a membership, and contacted her. It paid off, and we had a good run of it for a few years. Now that membership sits idle again.

Men can be selective too, contrary to popular belief.

I understand how frustrating it must be to think that the world doesn't work the way you think it should, but ask yourself why it doesn't. Is it really that men don't take the first step, or that maybe you're not giving them the incentive to do so? And would you really want to be inundated with advances from hordes of men, many/most of them to whom you don't feel any attraction?

Sure, it might inflate your ego, but wouldn't it be better to find the right one rather than just all the ones that think you're cute?
Joined: 12/31/2006
Msg: 208
view profile
Posted: 7/2/2007 9:12:27 AM
this is my first time posting on here so here goes . i've been on here for awile and i have sent plenty of messages to women as the first contact and alot of the respones i get are the "read" and nothing or the "read and deleted "part i try to say what i mean because i'm not here to play games i'm just being myself. it makes me question myself alot to weather i stay or go from pof.
Joined: 3/7/2006
Msg: 216
view profile
WHY DON'T (people) (do what I'm too afraid to do myself)???
Posted: 7/9/2007 5:21:08 PM
OMFG, tell me you didn't use that word, even in jest. You do realize that the proper response to use of that word (or if you're actually Rush Limbaugh, simply on sight) is a swift smack upside the head with a manure-filled sock?

Yes, yes. Bashing the opposite sex is a surefire way to get more attention. Oh, poor me, I can't get a date/get laid/find the love of my life because everyone sucks. Do they suck simply because "the good ones" don't want you, or because you lack the intestinal fortitude to actually persue the ones that simply may have missed you in a sea of literally millions?

Whining is sexy, really it is. So is bashing, bad temper, and general undirected flaming. Perhaps this is why I'm single, because these are sports for me. Well not so much the whining part, but being a mean, angry bastard is pretty much my signature character trait.

There, I feel better. I know why I'm single. And oddly, it's not really anyone else's fault but my own. Let's see some of you own up to that.

Oh, that an I really haven't found anyone that even remotely sparks my interest on all the levels that I seek. High standards are a real pain, but I'd rather be alone than with someone I'll toss away in 3 months.
Joined: 1/18/2007
Msg: 220
view profile
Posted: 7/11/2007 10:47:34 PM
The majority of men are expected to take the first step so they do. We except it is something we have to and women expect it, so if many of us are shy we find ways to discard the shyness and make fools of ourselves and ask women out. I've made a fool out of myself doing so, but I am proud of that. I think the majority of men make the initiative that is why many sites are free for the women and not for the men.
Joined: 8/13/2006
Msg: 222
Posted: 7/13/2007 5:23:58 AM
I think it shouldn't matter what gender takes the first step.

This Victorian notion that men MUST do this and that in the dating process should have been laid to rest along with the sexist idea that all women should be married, barefoot, pregnant, and stuck in the kitchen. If there's initial interest "from either gender", that gender should make the first move and contact the other. All this "batting of eyelashes" type of behavior instead of concrete action from the woman to signal interest is sheer nonsense.

To like a guy's profile? let him know you're interested.
Joined: 10/10/2004
Msg: 234
view profile
Posted: 7/14/2007 2:52:19 PM

they do not think ahead of after the first contact email and if "Said" woman does reply he is not prepared to continue a conversation let alone a date/meeting.

I think you are right, rowdycowboy. I get many emails and I respond in kind and then the communication ends!
Joined: 2/24/2007
Msg: 241
Posted: 7/25/2007 7:21:49 PM
I would say my reason for not taking the first step is because I'm a shy person to begin with; this is the only area that I'm particularly shy about.
Joined: 12/9/2007
Msg: 250
view profile
Posted: 6/14/2008 1:11:44 PM
Men are more likely to be rejected then women, so it is more economical for women to start. In that case, men ago and self confidence can be preserved.
It is a win-win situation.

However it gives more responsibility to the women, start and continue a contact only if it is likely to be continue in the future.
I don’t really know what I am talking about, both men and women should be able to make the first step.

One more thought, if women do make the first step, that gives confidence to men, and they more likely make the first step (with a different woman) in the future. It is a win-win situation again.
Joined: 2/12/2006
Msg: 251
Posted: 6/14/2008 1:37:33 PM
Hey come on now ladies !!
We men are getting kinda Bored hearing those same old lame lines of you getting tons of emails or its a mans job to make first contact.

And even if men do make first contacts most times what happends is nothing !
And why is that ! Cause most women see a big list of email in their inbox and they just hit delete ! LOL

I know alot of us men are bored to death with those old stories & you ladies wanted equal rights yet your too coward to use them rights !

What afraid some guy might just read& delete an email from you ??
Joined: 4/19/2008
Msg: 252
view profile
Posted: 6/14/2008 2:00:40 PM
^LOL! i have no issues with a woman making first contact...actually i prefer that. i've contacted women on here and get nothing not even a no thanks! it boggles my mind that everyone here wants to hook up with someone yet both sexes are ****ing that nobody makes first contact, showing interests, etc...are we just dancing in a vicious circle?
Joined: 3/7/2006
Msg: 254
view profile
Posted: 6/14/2008 2:12:50 PM
^^^ They have pills that might help with that problem now...
Joined: 2/12/2006
Msg: 258
Posted: 6/15/2008 7:39:18 PM
Hey the women run from me !LOL
I guess having a strong personallity and not afraid to speak scrares the h -e - l - l out of women on here !hahaha
But I also do not wait for someone to bother to work up a tiny bit of contact energy !
As by the time they do I'll be out doing something either with them or with out them.
I've been on here for about three years and lately it's like a chat site and not a dating site.
And since summer will soon be here I am not waiting around for a woman to get with it and make contact with me . But if someone is interested they better get with it cause only first step I am making anymore is asking them out to meet me . No I do not send first email ice breaker emails . Did that and they just got trashed so if they want to be my girl they have too prove it and get with it. Because if not who cares I will be busy with out them !
 Optimistic for 2008
Joined: 5/2/2008
Msg: 264
Posted: 8/16/2008 2:44:34 PM
Nofooling 43.....You hit the Nail on the Head....

The real truth and everyone knows it.. is what you write doesn't matter if they don't like the picture you could be shakespear and your not going to get a reply....
Joined: 7/5/2008
Msg: 271
Posted: 10/15/2008 4:15:57 PM
I can understand why men don't always want to take the first step. It doesn't matter who sends the first message, you don't know what's going to come out of it, so it's a risk. I personally have no problem sending an email to a guy if their profile interests me. I have contacted numerous men, and very few of them have replied back, so it is a two way street in that respect.

But here is what befuddles me. A guy puts me on his favorites. I respond telling him I'm flattered and I give him my hotmail address. He reads the email, deletes it, and I never hear back from him. Even more puzzling though, is the fact that he does not delete me from his favorites either. So what's up with that????

Anyway, that's my 2 cents worth.
Joined: 7/5/2008
Msg: 273
Posted: 10/15/2008 9:38:02 PM
Don't take my word for how the favorites work Avid. Everyone seems to have their own definition of how it works. In my mind's eye, if I am put on someones favorites, I figure they want me to contact them if I am interested. Other people believe that if someone puts you on their favorites, they should still make the first email contact. It's seems to be an ongoing debate with myself and a couple of my friends, and even from what I have read in the many different forums.

Personally I don't use the favorites. If I am interested in perhaps meeting someone, I will make the first contact with an email. That way there is no confusion. In this case, my confusion is with the person who put me on their favorites, and then doesn't respond when I contact him.

Maybe someone can answer the question better on how the favorites might/should work, there seem to be several people here forums who know quite a bit more of how the systems works. I'm still a newbie myself.

Happy fishing.
Joined: 5/27/2005
Msg: 277
view profile
Posted: 10/30/2008 3:30:23 PM

Men do not ever "TAKE THE FIRST STEP" They do not email first, they do not ask you out, they very rarely volunteer a phone number. Some refuse to post pics on their profile and it is a must for me.....(You have seen me and it is not fair if I have not seen you.....Quid pro clearly in my profile. )They do not take the first step at anything. Or is this just me. Please let me know if it is just me having this problem or many......Thanks classy

I saw this on another form post;
with all due respect to the originator of THAT post (from the US) , I'll paraphrase;
"they're afraid of rejection..."

Stay casual.
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