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Joined: 5/29/2005
Msg: 26
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I'm so hurt I can't sleepPage 2 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
RO...I'm no guru but some days are better than others. I really understand the pain. But do things you want to do. Make some new friends and keep in touch with old ones. Keep busy, find a hobby and make yourself happy. People will want to be around you if you keep a smile on your face. If you like movies, go to comedies. A good laugh is stress relief. I went to the hot tub and just soaked listening to my music. Having your ex around will make you bitter, angry, and the relationship has been damaged, you are better off. (listen to me talk).
Joined: 3/16/2006
Msg: 27
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I'm so hurt I can't sleep
Posted: 5/8/2006 12:37:24 PM
You know if you yell for 8 years 6 months you can heat up a cup of coffee. where dose that get you no where. sounds like to me he is getting no where.
As for you need to look on the bright side what goes around will come around. I like to say you will be just fine but you are the one who can change it not us all we can do is be there if you need some one to talk to. can't speek for all but I will chat with you if you need some one to talk with.
best wishes to you in you NEW LIFE.
Joined: 5/9/2006
Msg: 28
I'm so hurt I can't sleep
Posted: 5/10/2006 2:26:24 AM

Lets put it into perspective.

Have you ever held a gun to your head? With the serious intention of using it? (Yes I know it's going to cause an uproar)

One in thirteen divorced men suicide. It's the single highest killer of 30-50 year old men.

So a few tears are about average.
Joined: 5/10/2006
Msg: 29
I'm so hurt I can't sleep
Posted: 5/10/2006 6:47:17 AM
Baby girl, please hold on to the fact that you had a nice marriage- But, that it is over- for whatever reason- It is over!!
You must now, rebuild and move on with your life now- Enjoy your family- go out with gf and stay away from living and reliving regretful times.
YOu will be fine- stay with POF we are the best of friends for you here.
Shawty 4 u
Joined: 5/5/2005
Msg: 30
I'm so hurt I can't sleep
Posted: 5/10/2006 7:02:51 AM
I am so sorry for your divorce.....its really a hard thing to go through. What you need is support. Try not to be alone at this time of grieving
Joined: 5/29/2005
Msg: 31
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I'm so hurt I can't sleep
Posted: 5/10/2006 9:55:24 AM
Sierra..The truth is I've been a bit homesick. All my children are up North. I truly understand the marriage is over. Its the loneliness and living on unemployment thats hard. It's the bitterness of being forced to sell my home having to split it with my X and his girlfriend. My whole world crashed. So I came down to start over. I love the forums and give my 2 Cents. Its a chance to chat and meet nice folks.
Joined: 5/26/2005
Msg: 32
I'm so hurt I can't sleep
Posted: 5/10/2006 10:18:33 AM
i've been right where you hurts for sure....let yourself feel all the different emotions right now. there are really no "wrong" ones.

don't do or say anything that you'll regret. paying him back for all that he's done sounds nice...but i vote for karma taking over. and trust me, it will.

my ex left me for another woman after i worked two jobs to put his a** thru school. but eight years later he's the one with the guilty conscience. my brother (who lives in a different state) ran into him at a grocery store.....he dropped his basket and ran for the hills.

trust'll get thru this. and you'll be a better, smarter, and a more whole person than you ever thought possible. good luck to you.
Joined: 5/29/2005
Msg: 33
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I'm so hurt I can't sleep
Posted: 5/10/2006 10:41:03 AM
Tanner..thanks...All my children have not called or written to see if I even exist. Guess they don't know what to say.

He came to the marriage with the shirt on his back and an old beat up truck. I stood by him while he was not working. He too went to school and I worked two jobs so he could start a welding business after I put myself through college.

It's the bitterness of being forced to sell my home and having to split it with my X and his girlfriend. It's memories of seeing them in public, and my children telling me what a nice person his girlfriend is. It's the unfaithfulness. My whole world crashed after 25 years.

Its getting mad at him because I lost my job for an unscheduled pre trial conference (the divorce is this bad). I have a lawyer not going for part of the business, or for alimony or fighting for my 401K benefits that he's claiming 1/2 of.

And now that I said my piece...I'm letting go of it...
Joined: 5/26/2005
Msg: 34
I'm so hurt I can't sleep
Posted: 5/16/2006 12:08:12 AM
thanks for writing me back. i remember how sickening it felt to see the whole life that i knew, change and drift away from me. it was a very scarey time. but i came out of it a very strong woman and so much better off. its actually become one of the best things to ever happen to me. and not in the way that you might think.

it's taught me to stand up for myself. to ask those questions that might be hard to ask. to look inward into myself for the love and acceptance that he was unable/unwilling to share.

look at this as an experience that is/will be something you can learn about yourself and your life from. this isn't the worst that could happen to you. it's horrible, and men can be huge jerks, but this isn't the end of living for you. there are still so many wonderful things to see, do and become. find out about who you are again (not the wife or mother parts) but you personally. what do you LIKE to do? take some classes and find out.

this whole period in your life it just that...a period....not a forever. i know that it feels that way. but soon an new trauma will take it's place.....

glean what knowledge you can from this marriage, use it as a life lesson learned and share with others what you know.
Joined: 5/29/2005
Msg: 35
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I'm so hurt I can't sleep
Posted: 5/16/2006 4:23:18 AM
ok..what are you doing up at 3 am? I'm doing ok. Love the weather down here. Now...I need to get a small day job. I'm working the concerts for the summer and its definately something I wanted to do. I go dancing as often as I can....anyone down this neck of the woods dance???? I'm getting my paperwork from New Hampshire to transfer my certs to teach for the fall. I'm looking for my own place but it's going to take time. Haven't quite decided if I'm going to a resort apartment or a teeny, tiny house. Either way...I will make a decision soon. Maybe start a year in an apartment to meet new people and get my pampering done sounds good. (pools, hot tub, fitness center, walking trails, and security) before worrying about repairs, taxes, and being totally isolated. hmmmm.

As far as my husband...Well all I can say is the grass is not always greener unless it's fed by manure. lol
Joined: 4/26/2006
Msg: 36
I'm so hurt I can't sleep
Posted: 5/16/2006 5:26:20 AM
Im going through a recent break-up and am still having trouble sleeping,Its affecting my whole life .I find myself up at 4am and have to be at work a few hours later iv'e been draggin lately .it's only been a few weeks though but there was no closure in my relationship with this woman.she was a liar and a cheater and I really cared about her and we share a beautiful daughter luckily we wa never married. In the end im the one suffering...good luck just try to keep your mind occupied
Joined: 9/28/2004
Msg: 37
I'm so hurt I can't sleep
Posted: 5/16/2006 5:56:14 AM
I'm sorry you are having a hard time. When he was screaming in your face it was only to hide his own guilt and to make himself feel better about the situation. You deserve a man getting into your face (only to kiss you). Nobody should be screamed at! It's uncalled for. There are MANY women out there in your situation. If you can, find a support group. It WILL get easier as time goes by. Once you get past the hurt, the anger will kick in, then it will be easier to let go. Get around people that make you laugh. I wish you the best!
Joined: 5/29/2005
Msg: 38
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I'm so hurt I can't sleep
Posted: 5/16/2006 12:57:14 PM
"When he was screaming in your face it was only to hide his own guilt and to make himself feel better about the situation."...definately Terry. His way of dealing with anything he did wrong the whole time we were married was to become angry at me to relieve himself in order to justify that he didn't admit he was wrong. I accepted and understood the way he handled situations.

I guess it was shock...I replay that scene over and over again. I've never seen soooooooo much hate in his face. The eyes were like daggers in my heart. He was within inches of my nose screaming as loud as he could. "The marriage is over" My soul shrinks at the thought that this most loving man was the most hateful being there ever was. I was reduced to tears thinking someone younger had taken my place in his life.
Joined: 5/29/2005
Msg: 39
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I'm so hurt I can't sleep
Posted: 6/8/2006 3:43:52 PM
Well all...its been a few weeks. I've decided to spend time in the sun, go out walking, dancing and what ever else to keep busy. If ever you go out with friends...I'd like to meet new people in NC. Write me.
Joined: 3/8/2006
Msg: 40
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I'm so hurt I can't sleep
Posted: 6/8/2006 5:29:37 PM
Know the feeling. I've cried myself to sleep for 4 years now and weve been divorce only about three. The only man I ever loved and we were married for 36 years. We went through so many hardtimes and heartaches, had 8 children (lost four as babies) and he was a minister for 23 years of that marriage. When the affair happened I forgave him and tried to get him to work it out but he refused. So here I am still hurting and loving him, think of him everyday and dont really know if I can ever love anyone again... And it is harder to find someone when you are older because they want the younger ones.
But Ive finally made up my mind I'm at least going to give it my best shot and stop beating myself up over something that wasn't my fault.
Joined: 3/8/2006
Msg: 41
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I'm so hurt I can't sleep
Posted: 6/8/2006 6:00:28 PM
another reply, like the part about the grass being greener and the manure( never heard that one) I was a stay at home mom only worked a few times off and on but always ended up quiting because I waited on him hand and foot and had to take care of the children and house also. When we divorced I gave him the house didnt take but the bare neccesities and my two teenage sons. I have a decent apartment that I have furnished myself and I just bought a new car. Maybe be sleeping in it when the first payment is due. LOL
My children have been my biggest support and my many dear friends WE made over the years.
So I need to just focus on that and not Him....NO ALIMONY NO CHILD SUPPORT JUST $236. a month of his retirement and $5000. of his 401K. I can make it on my own after all he said the breakup was over money. (I got some credit cards to help get us through some hard times)
I went out to a chinese restaraunt with my daughter and granddaughter a few weeks ago (you know how they leave the fortune cookies on the table when you are finished) My granddaughter who is 10 carefully selected one for me and handed it to me. I opened it read it and then handed it to her, it said :STOP LOOKING FOR HAPPINESS ITS SITTING RIGHT BESIDE YOU. she looked at me with those big brown eyes and said" see mama you are going to be ok we love you. I CRIED tears of happiness.
Joined: 12/9/2004
Msg: 42
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I'm so hurt I can't sleep
Posted: 6/16/2006 12:47:58 AM
yes it is true 1 part of your life is over
it will take time for your broken heart to heal
but before you can heal you must bring out the pain you are holding in

once you can bring the pain out
you can deal with it
once you can deal with it,than you can overcome it
once you have overcome it than you are ready to move on with your life

you have to be willing to take the time to let yourself heal
you have to take the time for your broken heart to heal
in time all things heal if you let them heal

once you let yourself heal than you will understand
that yes 1 life is over but it is also a new beginning
it is a new start at life for you

it is another chance to find true love,to find a love that will not end

when you cry do not stop crying for crying is a way that the body heals it's self
you must be willing to let the hurt and pain come out and leave your body
you must be willing to release your pain so your body can heal it's self

it is sad something life this had to happen and you are hurting and in pain
it is sad that someone had to break your heart
it is sad you are crying cause you are in pain

but in time you will come to understand it is a new beginning and not a ending

it is another chance to find true love and in time you will once again seek true love
i pray 1 day that you will find that love you seek
but first you must be willing to let yourself heal
so you can move on with your life
Joined: 5/29/2006
Msg: 43
I'm so hurt I can't sleep
Posted: 6/16/2006 5:58:29 AM
OP i am sorry for what you have and are going threw . and someone may have touched on this but if so i did'nt remember seeing it. i looked at your profile and noticed you're seeking long term. i have always heard that divorce is like going threw a death . and that we go threw different stages of feelings until we reach the last one. until that last feeling is dealt with we are not ready to move on. and as you 1st said in your question you are still having a hard time with this even after a year. so back to the long term. maybe you need friends more then a relationship at this time. many people who lose someone to real death or divorce will think of so many ways to end hurt, pain and angry feelings that somewhere along the line even getting into a nw realtionship appeels to them. but it never works. at least as far as i know. not telling you what to do. only something to consider. love of another partner is what we all want but sometimes its not the answer today if we are not free of heart .
i wish you well.
 unknown biker
Joined: 3/13/2004
Msg: 44
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I'm so hurt I can't sleep
Posted: 6/16/2006 7:02:14 AM
I found this on pof and it is great for exactly what you are going through. This is a half hour sermon but he is right on the money. heres the link
Good look to you, walk out of that house and shake the sand off your shoes and don't look back..
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 45
And This, Too, Shall Pass....
Posted: 6/16/2006 7:14:09 AM
Hello and welcome to your new life....the better one. After having being devoted to someone else and giving all you possibly can and then even more, please be comforted in the fact that the powers that be are looking out for you (I would say God, but perhaps this does not apply to your life).
No one (man or woman) needs to be blasted or verbally abused or seems that there are more children in this world than there are adults, regardless of age. You are significant, loved, and needed and certainly don't need to be made feel otherwise.
I wish yoy the best in your it is bright. There is love around you everwhere you look....
Joined: 4/25/2006
Msg: 46
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I'm so hurt I can't sleep
Posted: 6/16/2006 7:26:24 AM
My ex used to get in my face, posture like a bully and yell too. One thing that I have come to relish is a sense of peace. I will not allow that kind of behavior in my personal life again. Was married 25 yrs. Divorce was devestating. I cried my river. Be good to yourself and forge ahead. Life is NOT over.
Joined: 6/1/2006
Msg: 47
I'm so hurt I can't sleep
Posted: 6/16/2006 8:37:41 AM
My heart really goes out to you. I myself am enduring the same agony. My wife of 10 years left me for a guy from the gym we both attended. It turns out she was having an affair with him for over a month before I found out. I was crushed; boy was I blind. I am starting to move on, now. She has made that part a little easier; since she has made it crystal clear she wants to be with her new hunk, instead of trusty reliable. I definitely can relate to not being able to sleep. Since the separation, I have only been able to get maybe two-three full nights worth of sleep. Just like you, my mind does not want to settle down. I've tried over the counter sleep aids, and my doctor has tried me on Sonata, Ambein, and Imovane all with no real effects. The only thing that helps me get to sleep right now is Xanax, but it is for short-term use only. Bummer... I've always been a late night person, but not getting any restful sleep is ridiculous. I'm hoping the situation will improve once the divorce is final, which cannot come too soon for me.

I can tell you from experience that it does seem to get easier with time.
Joined: 5/29/2005
Msg: 48
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I'm so hurt I can't sleep
Posted: 6/17/2006 4:25:08 AM
ahhh...thank you all for the support. Everyday that goes by is one day closer to finishing this whole mess. Yes, I heard the sermon. Yes, it was meaningful. Definately kinda felt that some higher power was seeing the way we were. So sad. Our marriage had changed, he wasn't there. We were always taking care of elderly, sick family members, children, that he didn't know how or stopped making time for US.

I was definately the one who managed everything in the marriage, (finances, housecleaning, saving for trips, the caregiver) and I want someone who would gladly share this, this time.

I did see justice by the way his new girlfriend treats him. She won't even let him leave the yard without knowing where he is going, what time he's due back. She was soooo angry that I sold the house and she, wasn't getting asking price. She called him names in front of our friends. He wants someone to treat him like a doormat!...sorry, I have low opinion of his self-esteem now.

I told you all that I moved out of state and that was THE best thing I ever did. Well thank you all for writing and keep writing...I am spending alot of my time outdoors in the sun.
Joined: 12/20/2005
Msg: 49
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I'm so hurt I can't sleep
Posted: 6/17/2006 5:04:18 AM
Maybe KARMA will be the answer for him
What comes around goes around I have no pitty for cheaters...
Hold your chin up and I hope you took him to the cleaners!!!
Joined: 6/14/2006
Msg: 50
I'm so hurt I can't sleep
Posted: 6/17/2006 1:56:38 PM
"How can you stifle the passion for a partner who has deserted you? How can we smooth the journey back to sanity and liberation when our love has been rejected?"

"To begin with you must remove all evidence of the addictive substance: the beloved. Throw out cards and letters or stuff them in a box and put it out of reach. Don't call or write under ANY circumstances. And depart immediately if you see your former lover in the office or the street. Why? Because as Charles****ns said, "Love will thrive for a considerable time on a very slight and sparing food." Even the briefest contact with "him" or "her" can fire up your brain circuits for romantic ardor. If you wish to recover, you must expunge all traces of the thief who stole your heart."

"When you can't stop thinking about "him" or "her," dwell on their negative traits. Write down their faults and carry the list in your purse or pocket. Picture yourself walking arm in arm with someone who adores you, the perfect partner. Make it up. And make it good. Someone is camping in your brain; you must throw the scoundrel out."

"It is very important to stay busy. Call friends, visit neighbors. Go somewhere to worship. Learn to draw or play an instrument. Dance. Sing. Do crossword puzzles. Get a dog or cat or bird. Take that vacation you've always thought about. Write out your plans for the future. Exercise is particularly good for rejected lovers. Do anything that forces you to concentrate your attention, particularly things that you do well."

"Why? Because the despair of unrequited love is most likely associated with plummeting levels of dopamine in the brain. As you focus your attention and do novel things, you elevate this feel-good substance, boosting energy and hope."

"Any kind of physical exertion will elevate your mood. Jogging, biking, and other forms of strenuous physical activity are known to drive up levels of dopamine in the brain, bestowing feelings of euphoria."

"Avoid sweets or drugs that will stress your body and your mind. Count your blessings: optimism heals."

Material is excerpted from "Why We Love" by Helen Fisher, Ph.D. I highly recommend the book for anyone who would like to delve deeper into this subject.
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