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Joined: 2/20/2004
Msg: 2
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Helping a girl you like out.Page 2 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I totally agree with you Sweet Sensations. Even if this was just a friendship, after 2 months of knowing you, his attitude and the way he said "good luck" was insulting and I wouldn't even have taken him out to dinner as he didn't deserve it anymore! He degrated you by making you admit you needed his help, then turned his back on you when you thought you could start trusting him. There were better ways of turning you down if he didn't want to help and he could have been much nicer about it. At least you learned you couldn't trust him early on. Consider yourself lucky!
Joined: 5/21/2005
Msg: 8
Helping a girl you like out.
Posted: 5/2/2006 5:20:42 AM
I don't know that she set out to use him---and he had no clue he'd be "tested" as he was, either. I can appreciate her independance and that's a good thing---nothing beats that sense of accomplishment of tasks you're not familiar with or experienced in.

His flip or smart assed "good luck" probably wasn't intended as the slight she thought it was but who knows what he really meant by that comment? It could have been only his sense of humor which she didn't share about this particular subject. He certainly could have been less child-like PERHAPS but that's not the issue really---it more about her and her "shy" request for help in more tasks. In two short months they don't know one another at all so he didn't know how much a struggle it was for her to ask for help. He also didn't know he'd insulted her about this same subject.

She wasn't into him but at least she gave it a shot to see if something might be possible. He unknowingly failed and she decided that was the end---all well and good. Doing whatever necessary to let him know it wasn't going any further would have been best---the dinner invitation was just a bit more than needed. Offering to pay for his time would have been a huge sign she was appreciative of his help but that she also didn't want any sort of "obligation" because of that assistance. It's too bad the dinner turned into yet another disaster with this guy--that too is NOT good for her--sorry to hear that happened.

I would say the "reading a woman's mind" thing also comes just a bit into play here---HOW was he to know about her pride of independance and that he'd somehow offend it? He didn't---so he's not such a bad guy for accidently stepping into that minefield. We've all done that---fortunately it's not a criminal offense!!

For whatever reasons she decided he wasn't "the one" it's over now----learn just a bit from this. Not everyone automatically knows or understands your inner feelings or thoughts. Don't be so easily turned off by an accident unless that's a convenient way to end things; if that's the case then just end things but don't look for more "reasons" (excuses) to do so.

Better luck next time---don't let one bad instance ruin future things!
Joined: 10/12/2005
Msg: 10
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Helping a girl you like out.
Posted: 5/2/2006 6:54:45 AM
what do you think his e-mail means ????????.........this is a tell all
Joined: 5/21/2005
Msg: 14
Helping a girl you like out.
Posted: 5/2/2006 7:42:41 AM
So often in these sorts of post we get the whole story bit by bit. As the parts are added we get a totally different view of things; far, far different than frist presented. Now that you tell us more we see that it is a case of lots of confusion to a degree and more expectations about what "should have been" I think.

The mention of an astrological sign doesn't mean much to me as I don't know or think that can always "explain" away some behavior. This WAS just two people dancing around who was going to say "I like you...." first but it never got to that point---which is sorta sad.

His latest email isn't good---maybe it's time you distance yourself from this one and look for someone a bit more to your liking? Learn just a bit from this, that sometimes it might seem risky to express yourself BUT it's never a bad thing. Don't fear "rejection" to the point that it freezes you in place, ruins what might be a good chance at something or makes you second guess yourself after things like this happen.

You do seem like a good person--build on that and quit hiding!!
Joined: 10/12/2005
Msg: 15
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Helping a girl you like out.
Posted: 5/2/2006 7:51:29 AM
maybe he outsmartted himself ...he could be waiting for the lady to ask him to help assemble the things in hopes that he may get another invite to spend quality time with her .....not time being the free general handyman

I'm really sorry SS but I think you are wrong here ....cut both of you a break and send him a return e-mail telling the truth about what you think and why you think it and see what he says to it least you know for sure what he is or was thinking ...communication is the key to unlocking many a heart
Joined: 2/23/2005
Msg: 32
Helping a girl you like out.
Posted: 5/3/2006 1:00:36 AM
trust your instincts. i know exactly where you are coming from. I own my own home, too. have been doing it all on my own for the last 3 years, and with two babies. both out of diapers now anyways, lol, i am dating a guy now (dave). he told me I cant do it all by myself. and I say, but yes I can. he said he knew I could do it, he just ment it was easier when there is two. i had to agree with him, but I wont ask for help.

and us women, do have these little test type of things that we do. Not necessarily something we plan, and we dont even realize till after it happens.

a couple of weeks into dating dave, he came over to my house. it had been garbage day, and my garbage cans were still out at the road. without hesitation he grabbed them and brought them to the house. in my mind i was like "ohhh he past test one". but he does stuff like that all the time, and i never ask him too. I caught him sweeping my floor one day, "watcha doing dave?" i tell him not to, he does it anyway.

I felt early on he was a keeper, and now 5 months into it, its great. he went out and cut my lawn last weekend. I went and woman cleaned his kitchen (wiped down cabinets, appliances, floor). its all give and take.

sounds like this is maybe something like what your looking for?? i can agree with the other posters and say he might of been joking.

all i can suggest is something my friend told me, "communicate" and than "decide".

yah its a book, sorry.
Joined: 5/21/2005
Msg: 33
Helping a girl you like out.
Posted: 5/3/2006 3:59:06 AM
The longer this goes on the more she DOES become the "victim" of all this. She's also somewhat upset more than a few think she's somewhat the cause of this---I think that's been the consenus--that she's not totally blameless in all this? No one is bashing you like you try to portray---those who aren't applauding you aren't back stabbing you---we're only expressing another view point.

Your follow posts more and more move towards how you've been misjudged, that you just knew asking a man for help would lead to problems, that it will be a long time, if ever, before you ask ANYONE for help ever again, that you've been let down and taken advantage of, how you're either upset, how you've exposed your vulnerable side, etc etc etc.

IF this guy did something that you didn't care for maybe you're just better off distancing youreself from him and stop worrying about it all. If one man ruins your outlook on life then you ARE a "victim" but only of your own doing. You REALLY don't know what his intentions or "meanings" are because you've never really TALKED TO HIM about any of this. You're going on pure speculation and conflicting opinions here---none of which are 100% correct.

So do something other then defend yourself here!! I don't think you set out to use him for his mechanical skills---if I gave you that impression I apologize. My main contention is your actions and reactions to something that is quite possibly nothing more than a misunderstanding. That you haven't or won't talk to HIM about it seems strange. You adding in you'll not ask a man for help ever again because of this sound like you're pouting. That sort of thing makes me wonder what the real issue is---it doesn't seem to be ONE remark!!

Good luck
Joined: 11/9/2005
Msg: 35
Helping a girl you like out.
Posted: 5/3/2006 10:14:53 AM
Oh boy...the old flipside response time...I hate when that happens.

On one side of the coin, it is fair to ask and hope a friend, lover, etc would help you in time of need. Specially if the work wasn't overly time consuming and patio sets are not by any stretch of the mind.

On the other side of the coin, it is wrong to blindly expect the person to help you just because you are dating. Sure you would like to see your man jump to your aide in time of need...but to expect it is a different matter.

Tables, bikes, BBQ's etc, can all be delivered fully assembled at a marginal cost. If your a shrewd shopper you can get it thrown in for the same price (notice how I don't say the word free?...its not free if you are paying where you actually do or not!). The fact of the matter is that this conflict could have easily been avoided, the relationship potentially saved had you been more flexible in your expectations.

In the end I think it has naturally gone where it was going to gop eventually. The guy was not giving enough for cudo's for walking away anyways.

In the future, negotiate harder at buying time to avoid moving and assembly work...makes a easier time of it for everyone but the guy selling you the stuff....and who cares about him

Joined: 9/3/2004
Msg: 37
Helping a girl you like out.
Posted: 5/3/2006 10:53:47 AM
He's got the "butterflies". Believe it or not us men can be rather foolish. There comes a time when we start thinking with our hearts and not our heads. When that happens it can look like we're a totaly different person. He wants you and wants to HEAR from you that you want him. You sound like a very in controll lady. Maybe he's hoping that you will let some of that controll go and make it clear that he is needed by you. It can be very hard to look though another person's eyes. Most of us simply can't do it. So, instead we talk to each other to learn what the other person see's and feels. May I suggest something? Talk to him. Nothing may come of it. Are connections with another person so easy to find that we're not willing to work on them when there's a question in our minds? I don't see this as a question about "helping a person out", I see this as a battle of pride. "I will not be the first person to show my feelings".
Joined: 5/21/2005
Msg: 40
Helping a girl you like out.
Posted: 5/4/2006 4:51:17 AM
^^^Yeah---"you go, girl"----right on in the same way and you'll need to keep posting things like this!! Same actions result in same outcomes---live and learn!!

OR you can "go girl"!! That seems to work as well!! LOL
Joined: 4/30/2006
Msg: 41
Helping a girl you like out.
Posted: 5/4/2006 9:03:51 AM
holy sheesh. I think you are a silly girl. You are giving up on a guy because he didn't perfom manual labor for you?!

I am almost certain he got defensive after having experienced so many usey people in the world. I probably would have said something simular if asked to do a task that was going to entail alot of work.

Not that you are usey, but we guys are overly defensive to girls leeching things out of us at the start. He probably though, "sheesh helped her get this stuff, went out of my way to help and now she is asking for another 4 hours of my time?"

I think, if you are not willing to accpet a no for an answer then you shouldn't ask a question.
Joined: 5/21/2005
Msg: 43
Helping a girl you like out.
Posted: 5/4/2006 9:50:58 AM
The Italian saying is great----very lovely in fact! I don't think it applies here though----your last few words do, however!!

The saying supposes there is a friendship in place and as such we'd WANT to do things to help out---it's a good feeling knowing we're able to ease a burden even slightly. The OP made a few comments in her follow-up posts and then disappeared---perhaps we too didn't do enough work to suit her?? LOL

Truthfull, your comment she wasn't that into him if a minor miscommunication was all it took for her to go all crazy like this. I think the lucky one is he who is no longer in her good graces! Hopefully they'll both find someone more fitting and deserving of their respective selves!
Joined: 11/19/2005
Msg: 52
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Helping a girl you like out.
Posted: 5/4/2006 10:22:40 PM
SS, This guy offered to help and also MADE you admit you needed help. The offer was nice but making you admit you need help? Why do that? Hes an a$$. If a friend needs a hand with something and I offer then that is my choice. If I get a thank you thats good and if they want to buy a dinner or a beer its even better but not expected. This is is how friendship works and it doesnt matter if its a female or male friend. Friends help out friends.

I think the important thing in the original thread was that it sounds like this was at best becoming a friendship and not a romance. You just didnt seem to be into him that way. So its good that you ended it. He was looking for romance and you had found a friend. It wasnt going to work. He might have taken it slowly to get to know you but he wasnt going to settle for friendship.

Yes, maybe he would have helped out but it sounds like he was wanting some payment for it.

You did the right thing. At best your were going to settle for this guy. You would not have been happy. Find someone that really does make you happy!
Joined: 7/20/2005
Msg: 53
Helping a girl you like out.
Posted: 5/4/2006 11:41:59 PM
No I don't think your off base. It is one of those tests you pass or fail. We all give them to people and don't even realize we've done it until we pause to think for a minute. Your quite right, if your looking for someone who is giving, they will be that at all times they can be. It's just part of showing you care. If your around anyone long enough their true nature will emerge.
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 59
Helping a girl you like out.
Posted: 5/5/2006 7:14:50 PM
Sweet Sensations,

I met someone about a month and a half ago. It hasn't been all hell and get out but we have formed an odd little friendship. We have never been intimate, never touched each other nor have we ever kissed. So it's nothing like that. I do think there is some kind of weird chemistry floating about.

This is the reason why all this went down. Why would you have a 'friendship' like that with someone that you met? I'm not going after you -- I would ask him the same question, much more sternly (him being the guy)!

Fact is, he liked you, he wanted you, and it was 'romantically-frustrating' to him. He should have done something about it and made a real move, and he didn't, and that is his fault it got to this point. It's the kind of ice that needed to be broken more than anything, even though the ice of getting to know one another in general was cleared.

Even though to you, it was probably more like 'Oh, this is a weird pseudo-friendship'... he was probably asking himself and his friends every other day "What do I do? Does she like me? How do I know? This is driving me nuts!"

Anyway, he most likely realized that although there was some sort of weird chemistry floating about, that after some time, it was obvious that you weren't really into him and wouldn't be. Combine that with moving your stuff around, he felt like he was supplicating to a woman who really wasn't romantically interested in him (which is a big mistake for guys to do, for women they persue). So given his frustrations, and coming to this conclusion while you actually REALLY DID need help moving, and it wasn't just hanging out and leisurely decorating, he realized that he was just called on to be a helping hand. While waiting to for the 'read' on whether you were really interested in him or not, he got that, and took it out on you by being a jerk.

It's mainly his fault for letting that pseudo-weird-friendship form, as he probably didn't want to be rejected by you... but if you're wondering why, it does actually seem pretty clear to me how a guy who let himself be in that situation be a jerk. It's unfortunate!

I can understand the postings you didn't like up here about it -- but some women do unknowingly 'play' a guy. The type of 'friendship' you described actually describes such a scenario to a tee. Nothing wrong with you! No guy should get caught up in that situation, as he shouldn't utilize his time with a woman he's romantically interested in, who isn't interested in him after even a couple weeks go by.

Joined: 3/25/2009
Msg: 61
Helping a girl you like out.
Posted: 4/4/2009 6:39:59 PM
always help a woman out if she needs you learn to be a gentleman first remember god helps those that help others dont expect something in return every time you do something for a lady dont make it bad for other real men out here looking for a real woman if you always looking for sometjing when you do something for someone then STOP doing and STOP EXPECTING THINGS IN RETURN FOR WHAT LITTLE OR NO SERVICES YOU CALL YOURSELF GIVING
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 62
Helping a girl you like out.
Posted: 4/5/2009 2:14:29 PM

So, the thing is... I also had bought previously, a gazebo, a fire pit and now this patio set table needs to be put together. It's a lot of work. Yes, I am capable and had planned to do all this stuff on my own. So this is where I feel I'm gonna get slammed for saying it. While he was here and we were putting the patio set under my car port I was thanking him and very shyly asked him if he would come back and help me with the stuff. Now you have to understand. That took a lot, I'm very proud in that sort of stuff, and felt really vulnerable.
He laughed in my face and said "Good Luck". I stood there and laughed with him. But inside, I thought to myself. You know what! If this man had said yes... I would have liked him and respected him a lot more.

All I can say is that the other side if the coin is that women tend to forget that guys aren't their personal servents. I've gotten to the point that I will only do so much before I expect reciprocation and when I'm in the friends only pool, that's not going to extend to spending hours helping a woman do something I would expect a guy to do. Respect? Who cares? If I'm on a woman's ``just friends'' list and her respect for me depends on me being a servent, she didn't respect me in the first place. Do I really care about someone who like me because of what I can do for her?
Joined: 7/30/2008
Msg: 63
Helping a girl you like out.
Posted: 4/5/2009 4:23:21 PM
has anyone thought about this? ... Maybe he is like me and a total klutz about assembling things, and didnt want to embarrass himself in front of you?
Joined: 3/19/2009
Msg: 66
Helping a girl you like out.
Posted: 4/5/2009 7:19:42 PM
Hey, I got caught up reading this and couldn't stop. Will keep my opinion (for what it's worth) brief. I'm an old fashioned guy and believe offering a helping hand to someone in need, especially a close friend should be automatic. He should have offered to help, even if it had to wait a least he could have offered.

I think a lot of people have missed the point here. This guy screwed up by being insulting and uncaring, NOT because he didn't help. He is a typical control freak and gets his power from making you admit that you need him and then letting you struggle on your own. People like this are manipulative and unpredictable in their behavior. He would only be happy if he is in control and you admit your weaker that him.

Your lucky to be out of there SS.

Oh!! before some of you shoot me down for being so hard on him.....I do know what I'm talking about..... I'm a Psychologist and Counselor and have seen this type of behavior many, many times.
Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 67
Helping a girl you like out.
Posted: 4/5/2009 7:58:05 PM

Hey, I got caught up reading this and couldn't stop. Will keep my opinion (for what it's worth) brief. I'm an old fashioned guy and believe offering a helping hand to someone in need, especially a close friend should be automatic. He should have offered to help, even if it had to wait a least he could have offered.

If I wouldn't assume something is a big enough deal to require help, why would I ask? If I did that, I'd spend the entire day offering to help people do things like dial a telephone. There's a difference between offering help and having someone charm you when they need help so that you're a door mat.

I think a lot of people have missed the point here. This guy screwed up by being insulting and uncaring, NOT because he didn't help. He is a typical control freak and gets his power from making you admit that you need him and then letting you struggle on your own. People like this are manipulative and unpredictable in their behavior. He would only be happy if he is in control and you admit your weaker that him.

Someone who says no is manipulative and controlling? I think the ``Help poor little me. I'm a girl,'' is manipulative. Assuming every woman needs help with ``guy things'' is patronizing and it assumes women are incompetent.
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