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Joined: 1/19/2006
Msg: 28
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!Page 2 of 70    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41)
Did you hear about the two antennas that got married? the wedding was terrible, but the reception was great!
Joined: 1/19/2006
Msg: 29
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 8/16/2006 7:55:56 PM
If women with big breasts work at Hooters, where do women with one leg work? IHOP!
Joined: 9/7/2006
Msg: 32
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 9/14/2006 9:04:29 PM
yo that 1 was alright
Joined: 6/7/2006
Msg: 33
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Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 9/18/2006 5:00:04 AM
Subject: New Parrot

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful
parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so
she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that
bird used to live in a house of Prostitution
and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought
this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and
for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her,
said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,but then thought "That's
really not so bad."

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said,

"New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman began to laugh about the situation considering
and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith!"
Joined: 9/2/2006
Msg: 34
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 9/18/2006 5:17:21 PM
how do you put an end to postal strikes?

have their pay cheques delivered by mail.
Joined: 2/16/2005
Msg: 35
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Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 9/20/2006 2:48:18 PM
Dining out one night, a man was pleased to find a gorgeous woman at the table next to him. He just couldn’t get up the nerve to talk to her. Suddenly she sneezed and a glass eye came flying at him. He automatically grabbed it out of the air and handed it back to the woman. “Oh dear! I’m so sorry!” the woman said after she gracefully popped the eye back into place. “Please let me buy you dinner.” He agreed, and they had a wonderful meal together. They followed this with a night at the theater and drinks afterward, and before he knew it, they were back at her place. He was amazed at how wonderful she was. “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman! Are you this nice to every guy you meet?” “No,” she replied. “You just happened to catch my eye.”
Joined: 2/16/2005
Msg: 36
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Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 9/20/2006 2:51:39 PM
A gentleman with a pair of glasses in need of minor repairs dropped in at a store displaying a large sign, "Glasses repaired while you wait." When he passed his glasses to the repairman, the repairman said, "you can come back for these on Tuesday." "That's four days!" protested the gentleman. "How about your sign? It says 'glasses repaired while you wait'?" "Well, yes," the repairman said, scratching his head in thought. "You'll be waiting, won't you?"
Joined: 9/11/2006
Msg: 37
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 9/20/2006 7:16:10 PM
A baby seal walks into a club.
Joined: 5/18/2006
Msg: 38
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Posted: 9/23/2006 12:27:33 AM
A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender replies, "Nope. All we got is hard alcohol, wine and beer."

The next day the same duck walks in with the same question, "Do you have any grapes?" To which the bartender says, "Hey, I told ya yesterday. All we got is hard alcohol, wine and beer."

This goes on for three more days. Finally the bartender snaps and says "Look you. I've already told you this is a bar, not a fruit stand. I don't have any grapes, never had any grapes, and never will have any grapes and if you ask me that question one more time I'm gonna NAIL YOUR FLAT FEET TO THE BARTOP! So the duck waddles out.

The next day the duck walks in and says, "Do you have any nails?" The surprised bartender replies, "No, I don't have any nails."

So the duck says, "Good. Got any grapes?"
Joined: 9/2/2006
Msg: 39
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 9/23/2006 3:23:42 PM
^^^6 another proud CANADIAN moment!
Joined: 1/24/2006
Msg: 40
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 9/24/2006 10:23:38 AM
Since I am Polish, I am entitled:

A Tall pollack and a Short pollack are standing on the edge of a cliff. One falls off, which one was it?

The Tall one of course, 'cause the short pollack is just a little mor-on.

Gotta luv these emoticons
Joined: 9/11/2006
Msg: 41
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Posted: 9/25/2006 5:04:22 PM
Scientist today have discoved that Diarreah is hereditary. After all those scientist took exlax they found Diarreah really does run in your jeans.
Joined: 8/27/2006
Msg: 42
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 9/27/2006 7:04:35 PM
How many $$sholes does it take to screw in a lightbub?

One, he climbs up the ladder
puts the bulb in the socket
and the room revolves around him!!!!
Joined: 6/3/2004
Msg: 43
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 10/2/2006 2:39:13 AM

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included admirals from the US, British, Canadian, Australian, and French Navies.

At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a group of half dozen or so officers that included personnel from most of the countries.

Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks, but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.

He then asked: "Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences, rather
than speaking French?"

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied: "Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians,
Aussies, and Americans arranged It so you wouldn't have to speak German."

It got so quiet; you could have heard a pin drop.
Joined: 8/18/2006
Msg: 44
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 10/23/2006 10:02:28 PM
A retired man goes to the Social Security office to apply for his pension.After waiting in line for a long time he got to the counter.The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age.He looked in his pockets and realized that he left his wallet at home.He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home.Will I have to go home and come back?The woman says"unbutton your shirt". So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair.She says that silver hair is proof enough for me and she processed his application.When he gets home the man excitedly tells his wife about his experiance at the Social Security office.She said you should have dropped your pants,you might have qualified for disability too.
Joined: 8/18/2006
Msg: 45
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 10/24/2006 9:07:23 PM
What did the left nut say to the right nut?

Why in the hell should we hang????........................Dick did all the shooting.
Joined: 10/12/2006
Msg: 46
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 10/28/2006 7:43:51 AM
So these two aliens land in the middle of the Nevada desert near an old old deserted gas station. After looking around a bit and discussing the situation the leader of the two decides to be proactive, much to his partners dismay.

He walks up to the old gas pump and loudy demands; 'Take me to your leader."

The pump; of course, says and does nothing.

The partner takes a small step back.

The leader pulls out his supersonic ray gun, points it at the old pump and again demands; "Take me to your leader."

The pump of course, says and does nothing.

The partner takes another step back.

The leader, unable to believe such ignorance and disrespect from a lowly earthling screams at the pump for it to take him to the leader right now or he'll use his supersonic ray gun.

The pump remains inert.

Before the partner can retreat any farther, the leader fires his supersonic ray gun at the pump.

So these two aliens are floating up to heaven.

The partner says to the leader; "I told you not to piss off any man who can wrap his D**k around himself twice, AND then stick it in his ear!"

Joined: 10/15/2006
Msg: 47
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 10/29/2006 6:07:19 PM
a very old couple is finally celebrating there 50th wedding anniversary. that morning the wife says to th husband " hunny when we were newly-weds we used to walk around naked all the time, i miss it, let's do it agian" the husband turns to her and says "ok hunny anything you want" so they strip down naked and she begins putting breakfast on the table. As there sitting there eating the wife looks at the husband and says " hunny after all these years you still turn me on, you still make my heart race and my nipples burn w/ desire" to which at this point the husband looks at her and says " dear your tits are in your oatmeal"
Joined: 10/30/2006
Msg: 48
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Posted: 11/3/2006 5:16:24 PM
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple
minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in
high-powered vacuumcleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money," and
she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and
pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seenmy demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her
hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horsemanure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the
"Well," she said, "I hope you have a good appetite, because the
electricity was cut off this morning."
Joined: 8/7/2006
Msg: 49
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 11/4/2006 10:24:17 PM
There was a German, an Italian and a Redneck on death row. The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:
1. To be shot.
2. To be hung.
3. To be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head."
Boom, he was dead instantly.
Then the Italian said, "Just hang me."
Snap! He was dead.
Then the Redneck said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff."
They gave him the shot, and the redneck fell down laughing.
The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.
Then the Redneck said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.
Finally the warden said, "What's wrong with you?"
The Redneck replied,"You guys are so stupid..... I'm wearing a condom!!!"

Joined: 10/12/2006
Msg: 50
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 11/18/2006 3:32:16 PM

When the world gets me down, I look for you and your jokes!
Thank you for keeping my funny bone active and happy.
looking forward to your next installment!
Joined: 10/31/2005
Msg: 51
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 11/25/2006 8:49:33 AM
Subject: Innocence..


Should children witness child birth?

This is one of the funniest! Pass it along!

Paramedics got a call to assist with a woman in childbirth, only one paramedic responded to the call.
Due to a power outage, the house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mummy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.
Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him his by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom, Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in first place......... smack him again."
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 52
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Posted: 11/26/2006 7:06:14 AM
Sent to me by a good friend ... do not know the source. Enjoy!!!!!

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know, I get a little each month . . . but not enough to live on!"

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time
we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"It wakes me up!"

Tired of lifeless sex, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent
lovemaking, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She looked at him and replied, "You're never home!"

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his
body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood,
but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The
doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small," $6,500 for "medium," and $14,000 for
"large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him
to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back
into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My
Wife - Cold As Ever.' "
"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My
Husband - Stiff At Last.' "

My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He
couldn't get back in.

One night an 87 year old woman came home from bingo to find her 92 year old husband in
bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of
their 20th floor assisted-living apartment killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on a charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to
say in her defense.
She began coolly, "Your honor, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex, he could fly.
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 53
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Posted: 11/26/2006 1:57:06 PM
Eight Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female..... Any part under a car's hood.
Male.... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 54
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Posted: 11/27/2006 1:32:51 PM
I don't know if anyone has put this one in here yet ... if so, I apologize for not yet having read the entire thread ...

I wish I knew the kid who wrote this answer on his mid-term.


The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct … leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

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