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Show ALL Forums  > humor  > Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!      Home login  
Joined: 12/2/2006
Msg: 78
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!Page 4 of 70    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41)
Two aliens landed in the West Texas desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps and one of the aliens addressed it, "Greetings earthling, we come in peace. Take us to your leader". The gas pump of course did not respond. The alien repeated the greeting. There was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun and said impatiently "Greetings earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way. Take us to your leader or I'll fire".
The other alien shouted to his comrade "No, you don't want to make him mad". But before he finished his warning the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert where they landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who'd fired turned to the other one and said "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us. How did you know it was so dangerous?
The other alien answered "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy . . . any guy who can wrap his****around himself twice then stick it in his own ear is someone you shouldn't mess with".
Joined: 6/1/2006
Msg: 79
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 8/20/2007 4:19:37 PM
I don't know a fornicating thing; many of ye know this about me!

But I herd the other day thar iz sum reel Christ following folk, and sum descendants of Father Abraham, you know before Moses's time, who are trying to follow what they understand to be the scriptures on the pre-marital and marriage vows.

So I says to myself "self, what does all this celibacy practicing equal *If* we do it tooooo looonnggg?"

Ya know like some hermit-like types who abstain for a lifetime like some tribes within questionable Christianity; not mentioning any names but ye know such I sin-cerily think!

So I got to thinkin; hard for me it iz, ya know thinkin!

****Some say if one misses sex toooo looonnnggg they may or will eventually commit a 'Sexual Misdo-meaner'. IE. *the More one Misses Sex the Meaner you Get*!

Tarnation, I don't know anyone like that!

So Varmits, git out thar and find that true love; some of us sound so mean!
Joined: 9/19/2005
Msg: 80
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 8/21/2007 7:33:06 AM
Are you Kathlick ?
Three little boys were concerned
because they couldn't get anyone to play with them.
They decided it was because they had not been baptized
and didn't go to Sunday School.

So they went to the nearest church.
Only the janitor was there.

One little boy said,
"We need to be baptized
because no one will come out and play with us.
Will you baptize us?"
"Sure," said the janitor.

He took them into the bathroom
and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl,
one at a time.
Then he said, "You are now baptized!".

" When they got outside,
one of them asked,
"What religion do you think we are?"
The oldest one said,
"We're not Kathlick, .....because they pour the water on you."
"We're not Babtis, .....because they dunk all of you in the water."
"We're not Methdiss, ......because they just sprinkle water on you."
The littlest one said,
"Didn't you smell that water!"
They all joined in asking,
"Yeah! What do you think that means?"

"I think it means we're Pisscopailians
Joined: 6/1/2006
Msg: 81
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 8/21/2007 11:18:05 AM
*Blond Joke*

There was these two gals sitting on the couch watching the 10:00 O'clock news in Reno, Nevada. One was a Brunette and the other a Blond, and they were the best of freinds.

The TV News suddenly brought up a scene where a man was getting ready to jump from a tall casino after he lost all his money. The Brunette turned to the Blond and said "I bet you one hundred dollars he will jump!" The Blond says "You are on, I'll take that bet." He jumped and the Blond reached in her purse and took the $100 out and gave it to the Brunette.

Latter as thay watched the late movie, the Brunette said "I can not take your money as I saw the whole thing on the 6:00 O'clock News and knew he jumped." The Blond said "I saw it on the 6:00 O'Clock News too, I just didn't think he would do it again!"
Joined: 9/19/2005
Msg: 82
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 8/24/2007 2:34:30 PM
Little Johnny's neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born
> without ears.
> When the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's
> family was invited over to see the baby.
> Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him
> and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he
> so
> much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said
> the word "ears" he would get the spanking of his life when they came back
> home.
> Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.
> When Johnny looked in the crib he said,
> "What a beautiful baby."
> The mother said,
> "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."
> Johnny said,
> "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute
> little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
> Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will
> have 20/20 vision."
> "That's great," said Little Johnny,
> "'cuz he'd be shit-outta-luck if he needed glasses.
Joined: 6/23/2007
Msg: 83
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 8/24/2007 10:26:17 PM
Ya caught me
Joined: 6/23/2007
Msg: 84
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 8/24/2007 10:35:43 PM
from the Jeff Foxworthy redneck dictionary....
"ex.pend" ones former spouce on a spending spree...
sample...."Dang you should see my ex-spend money!"

"fit.ness" to be able to wear a snug guarment. ...
Sample ..."and you didnt think I could fitness in this bathin suit after havin 3 kids!"
(use your imagination)
Joined: 6/1/2006
Msg: 85
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 9/6/2007 5:45:56 PM
The other day I was on the Greyhound Bus heading East; terrible direction for me to wander ya know. Anyway in the back of the bus were these two 'Ebony gals', you know 'soul sisters' who were in total awe of these two girls getting on the bus with dark skin and raven-like hair.

Well the most aggressive ebony sister says to the other "What iz they girl, they ain't Hispanic, not Mexican, no Chicano in them two gals up there in the front of this bus." The other says "Well it's sure is plain as day they are not Asian, not Philipino or from China."

So after about 30 minutes of all this curosity they wandered up front and one of the Black girls asked " We knows you're not Asian or Hispanic girls but what iz you sisters?"

The big dark haired gal said "I'm a Navaho, and she is an Arapaho."

Then one of the ebony gals remarked "Girl, that's all right, I'm a Chicago hoe and she's a Cincinatti hoe!"
Joined: 9/19/2005
Msg: 86
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 9/8/2007 8:14:29 PM
Joke - KIN
Two good ol' boys down in West Virginia were sitting around talking one
afternoon over a cold beer...
After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your
trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she
got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"
The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head,
and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.

Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it sure would make
us even."
Joined: 8/18/2007
Msg: 87
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 9/10/2007 6:24:58 PM
4 girls are about to become nuns and the priest asks one final question. Have you ever had any contact with a man ? The first says i once touched a man with my finger and he says wash your finger with holy water and you are a nun the second says once she gave a man a hand um pleasure he says wash your hand with the holy water and congrats you are a nun now the 4rth pushes the 3rd out of the way and says if you think i'm garggling with that water after she puts her a$$ in there you are nuts.Have better jokes just warming up lol
Joined: 6/1/2006
Msg: 88
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 9/11/2007 8:22:55 PM
Have any of you noticed that a relationship can be very much like the condiments you pick up at the fast foods restruants?

You know, like the plastic packaged Mayonaise and Mustard that you tear open.

Well like a relationship if you don't control the climate by keeping it at the right temperature it tends to go bad as soon after you open it or once you start up a relationship it could sour without the right treatment.

Now think about that one and I'm sure you can see parralels of the past!
Joined: 9/19/2005
Msg: 89
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 9/22/2007 9:19:00 AM
Gov't Help

A**** U.S. Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm."

The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field right over yonder."

The Agriculture representative said, "Mister, I have the authority of the United States Government with me. See this card? The card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand!"

The farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores.

Later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the Agriculture Rep running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull. The bull was gaining on the Agriculture Rep with every step. The Rep was clearly terrified, so the farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out....

"Your card! Your card! Show him your card !!!"
 Bleedin Soul
Joined: 9/16/2007
Msg: 90
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 9/26/2007 10:02:31 PM
(The age ol' question...) Why fart and waste it,When you can burp and taste it?
(My answer....) Because the warmth of the release and the flutter of the cheeks makes it more worth while than the taste of what the smell reveals...

If God exists....and I can show True evidence that I am Back Asswards, and by definition, made by God....Would that be Prove enough of Divine Humor???
Joined: 3/25/2007
Msg: 91
Why is it so cheap !
Posted: 9/27/2007 12:41:17 PM
Subject: Why's it so cheap?

'Why is it so cheap?' the woman asks, in the Pet shop.

'Well', replies the assistant, 'it used to live in a brothel and as a result
its language is a touch flowery'.

'Oh, I don't mind that', said the woman, making her mind up, 'I'm broad
minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot'.
So saying, she buys
the parrot and takes him home.

Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around
and squawks at the woman.

'F===! .... me, a new brothel and a new madam'.
'I'm not a madam and this is not a brothel,' scolds the woman trying not to

A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home.

'Un-f===king-believable. A new brothel, a new madam, and now two new
prostitutes,' says the parrot when he sees the daughters.

'Mum, tell your parrot to shut up, we're not prostitutes,'
complain the
girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet.

A short while later, the woman's husband, Dave, comes home.

'In-f==king-credible, a new brothel, a new madam, new prostitutes,
but the
same old clients ....

How ya doin', Dave?'
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 92
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 10/2/2007 8:52:08 AM
What do brunette's miss about the best parties?
The invitation.
Joined: 3/25/2007
Msg: 93
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 10/15/2007 5:42:22 PM
Private Medical Cover

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital when
during her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was
furiously. "Oh my G0D!!" screamed the woman, "That's disgraceful!!! Why
is he doing that?"
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry
that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where
his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least 5
times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture "Oh well, in that case, I guess it's ok." commented the woman.
In the very next room, a male patient was lying in bed and it was
obvious that a nurse was performing oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed,
"Oh my GOD!! How can THAT be justified?" Again the doctor spoke very
Same illness, but he's with Bupa"
Joined: 3/25/2007
Msg: 94
Girlie Wisdom
Posted: 10/15/2007 5:51:31 PM
Girlie Wisdom

I have read these before but they make me giggle so I apologise if you
have read them already!

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and
forget where they left them.

One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a
woman gain 5lbs.

My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't
know what you are doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then,
your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together
and setting fire to my knickers.

Every 7 minutes of everyday, someone in an aerobics class pulls a

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks
2 sizes!

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things
like..."You know, sometimes I forget to eat!" ......Now... I've
forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys. But I have
never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to
forget to eat.

A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills...
She has 14 kids but doesn't really care.

My body is not all that communicative but I heard from it the other
day after I said "Body, how would you like to go to the six o'clock
lass of vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said "Listen it and die."

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about
nothing and then they marry him.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are:
eating too much; impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding?
That's my idea of a perfect day!
Joined: 9/30/2007
Msg: 95
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Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 10/16/2007 7:32:09 PM
What is the best part of a blow job after you get married

The five minutes of silence
Joined: 11/4/2007
Msg: 96
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 11/12/2007 6:32:43 PM
sorry ,I'm from the back of beyond.
What is a shoe???????????
Joined: 4/10/2007
Msg: 97
view profile
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 2/2/2008 4:41:30 PM
JBG , you should edit them and print them as a book,
i think i 'll be the first guy to buy your book.
Joined: 4/10/2007
Msg: 98
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Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 2/3/2008 12:59:04 AM
chinese mams use tiny little spoon to feed their kids too.
the same culture at this point.
Joined: 4/15/2005
Msg: 99
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Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/27/2008 5:56:54 AM
Truth and Falsehood are both whatever, and simultaneously NOT so, rather than not.
Joined: 12/29/2007
Msg: 100
view profile
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/28/2008 4:33:00 PM
Best comeback line ever?

A divorced man meets his ex-wife's new husband at a party.

Later, after knocking back a few drinks, he goes over to the new guy and
asks him:

'So... How do you like using second hand stuff?'

The new husband replies: 'It isn't that bad. Past the first 2 inches it's
all brand new.'
Joined: 5/24/2008
Msg: 101
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Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 6/2/2008 3:05:10 AM
little girl finds her dog dead, legs in the air, she asks her dad...why is it like that daddy?
dad says .. its died like that so jesus can pick him up and take him to heaven... next day she tells her dad .....mum nearly died today..... she was on her back , her legs were in the air and she was shouting , oh jesus , i'm coming , i'm coming...... if the mikman hadn't been holding her down i think we would have lost her ........
Joined: 5/24/2008
Msg: 102
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Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 6/2/2008 3:15:24 AM
little april was asleep in class, the teacher saw this and thought she'd catch her out so she asks " tell me april.....who created the universe?" when april didn't stir her friend little johnny jabbed her in the back with a pen....."GOD ALMIGHTY" shouted april.... a little later the teacher tries again " who is our saviour?" johnny again prods her with a pen .... "JESUS CHRIST" she exclaimed.... a few minutes later she had yet again fallen asleep, the teacher again saw this and asked her " what did eve say to adam after she had her 23rd child ?" johnny again comes to the rescue and jabs april who screams " IF YOU STICK THAT F>>>KING THING IN ME ONCE MORE I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ARSE" the teacher fainted........
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