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Joined: 5/24/2008
Msg: 126
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little april was asleep in class, the teacher saw this and thought she'd catch her out so she asks " tell me april.....who created the universe?" when april didn't stir her friend little johnny jabbed her in the back with a pen....."GOD ALMIGHTY" shouted april.... a little later the teacher tries again " who is our saviour?" johnny again prods her with a pen .... "JESUS CHRIST" she exclaimed.... a few minutes later she had yet again fallen asleep, the teacher again saw this and asked her " what did eve say to adam after she had her 23rd child ?" johnny again comes to the rescue and jabs april who screams " IF YOU STICK THAT F>>>KING THING IN ME ONCE MORE I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ARSE" the teacher fainted........
Joined: 5/12/2008
Msg: 127
The tennis elbow and the Urine sample.
Posted: 6/11/2008 7:19:16 AM
Its so good... to just laugh..................
Joined: 5/12/2008
Msg: 128
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 6/11/2008 7:23:48 AM
sumluvplease... oh my gosh.... I busted a gut on that one...thank you my friend for the mojo....
Joined: 10/19/2008
Msg: 129
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 11/21/2008 3:08:14 PM
Superman was flying around one night. As Superman is soaring around he noticed that Wonder Woman was lying on the beach, stark naked and spread eagle.... he thinks.. 'Mmmm.. I could fly down there and nail her and she wouldn't even know it because I have speed of lightening' So, Superman flies around the world one more time and decides to do it. All of a sudden Wonder Woman hears a SWOOSH.. and asks "what in the heck was that??" Invisible man said "I don't know but, my butt hurts"
 kane stays
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 130
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 11/23/2008 5:59:42 PM
A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on
'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.
Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to
lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what
your azzhole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'probably deer hunting with his buddies.'

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom...
Joined: 10/12/2006
Msg: 131
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 11/29/2008 2:03:53 PM
'Hello, is this the Police Office?'

'Yes. What can I do for you?'

'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Jack Murphy...He's hidin' Marijuana inside his firewood!

Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there..'

'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'

The next day, twelve St Johns Police Officers descend on Jack's house.

They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.

They sneer at Jack and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Jack's house.

'Hey, Jack! This here's Floyd....Did the Police come?'


'Did they chop your firewood?'


'Happy Birthday, buddy!'

(Newfies know how to get'er done)
Joined: 6/9/2008
Msg: 132
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 12/7/2008 6:05:28 PM
My personal favorite=)

Q: If 2 gay guys and 2 lesbians got into a cross country race... Who would win?

A: The lesbians... They would get there lickity split while the gay guys would still be packing their s**t.
Joined: 6/19/2008
Msg: 133
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 12/10/2008 4:17:45 PM
All hilarious! It's nice to know that people actually do have a sense of humor! Awesome!
Joined: 5/5/2007
Msg: 134
try to explain to a small child...
Posted: 12/15/2008 1:56:14 PM
Cows are mommies- Bulls are daddies- Calves are babies----
So steers must be teenagers?

It might be better to NOT try to explain!
Joined: 5/5/2007
Msg: 135
a small child asks...
Posted: 12/15/2008 2:01:36 PM
"Mommie, Why is Jesus a boy?"
Mommie is floored on that one.
Then the child says, "Daddy is a boy. Why is daddy a boy?"
Mom is clueless how to answer.
The child continues and says..."daddy is a boy because he has...a...ummmm..."
she struggled for the words as Mom almost drove off the road....
"he has a...ummm...a..."
Then, quite satisfied with herself, she finishes..."a mustache."
Then she asks Mom, "does Jesus have a mustache?"
Joined: 5/5/2007
Msg: 136
Posted: 12/15/2008 2:05:02 PM
"Heather called me the E-word."

Of course this bore further investigation, since no one could figure out what bad word, beginning with E she could have used.

Brothers reply, "She called me an idiot."
Joined: 11/22/2008
Msg: 137
2 prostitutes...!!!!!!
Posted: 12/19/2008 6:21:01 PM
two prostitues were walking down the street and one said aloud..." I can smell d*%k in the air".."we making money tonight"!..and the other says.."you fool..I just burped..."
Joined: 3/20/2008
Msg: 138
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 1/4/2009 11:03:16 PM
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 140
Glad to be drunk
Posted: 2/2/2009 8:44:10 PM
Glad to be drunk

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 141
Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries
Posted: 2/2/2009 8:47:26 PM
Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and
you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when
you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".

"I remember that too", she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"
 Great Pharoah
Joined: 11/5/2008
Msg: 142
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 2/3/2009 10:02:31 PM
Here is one, for everyone.

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
 Great Pharoah
Joined: 11/5/2008
Msg: 143
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 2/3/2009 10:03:38 PM
Ooops, and one more

This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo. Well, the guy has his doubts, but Hey! He needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around. During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!" The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"
Joined: 6/2/2006
Msg: 144
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Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 2/5/2009 8:08:48 PM
Yesterday I was at my local Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant?

So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
Joined: 9/28/2007
Msg: 145
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 2/25/2009 12:25:25 PM
Humour can be found in many different places, some pleasant some unpleasant as in
Joined: 2/4/2009
Msg: 146
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 3/8/2009 7:48:28 PM
A cop stops a man for running a stop sign and the subject gives the cop a lot of grief explaining that he did stop.

After several minutes, the cop explained to the gentleman that he didn't stop, he just slowed down a little.

The gentleman said 'Stop or slow down, what's the difference?'.

The cop pulled the guy out of the car and hit him with a nightstick for about a minute and then said, 'Would you like for me to stop or just slow down?'
Joined: 5/4/2008
Msg: 147
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 3/8/2009 11:04:20 PM
ahhaha that great...
 Renaissance Mun
Joined: 8/9/2007
Msg: 148
Posted: 3/26/2009 9:56:11 PM
A man went into a brothel and asked the receptionist, "Give me the ugliest woman you've got."
The receptionist protested, "But sir, you're spending a lot of money. Why wouldn't you want the prettiest woman we've got?"
The man replied, "I'm homesick, not horny."

The offering plate was passed during a church service and a gay man put in a brand new fifty-dollar bill. When the offering was brought back to the alter, the preacher said, "Well, looky here - one of our members put in a brand new fifty-dollar bill! I'd like to recognize that person, and furthermore, I'd like them to pick the next three hymns." The gay guy stood up and pointed, "Well I'llth take him ... him ... and him."

Why do Pollocks bury their dead with their butts sticking out of the ground? So they'll have a place to park their bikes at the funerals.
Joined: 3/14/2007
Msg: 149
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Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 3/10/2011 7:52:29 PM
A customer walks into a cake shop and orders a cake. He asks the cake shop owner to make the cake in the shape of the letter 'B'. The cake shop owner tells him that the cake will cost more than a regular shaped cake and it will take two days to make. He pays for the cake and says "That's fine. I'll see you in two days".

The customer comes back two days later and the cake shop owner says to him "Sir, your cake is ready. I hope this is what you wanted". The customer says "Hey, I'm sorry. I forgot to tell you that I wanted the cake in the shape of a lower case 'B'. Can you make me another cake?" The cake shop owner "Yes, we can. But we'll have to charge you for another cake and it will take us another two days to make it". The customer pays for another cake and says "No problems. I'll see you again in two days".

Two days go by and the customer comes back to the cake shop. The cake shop owner says to him "Sir, we have made your cake. I hope that this time we have made it exactly the way you wanted it". The customer says "No, I'm sorry. Again, I forgot one minor detail. I forgot to tell you to make the cake in the shape of an italicised lower case 'B'. Can you make the cake exactly like that?" The cake shop owner "Yes, of course we can. But we'll have to charge you for another cake and it will take another two days for us to make the cake". The customer pays for another cake and says "OK, here's the money. I'll be here again in two days time".

Another two days go by and the customer returns to the cake shop. The cake shop owner says to him "Sir, your cake is ready. I really hope that this is the kind of cake you wanted". The customer says "Wow! That's exactly how I wanted the cake to be. Thanks very much" The cake shop owner says "I'm so glad that you're happy with the cake. Give me a minute and I'll put it in a box for you". The customer says "No, that's OK. I'll eat it here".
Joined: 3/14/2007
Msg: 150
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Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 3/12/2011 3:53:55 AM
Two cows are standing in a paddock when one cow turns to the other and says "I heard on the news that mad cow disease is back again. Are you as worried about it as I am?" The other cows says "Why should I worry? I'm a helicopter"


A cement mixer collided with a prison van just outside town. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.


Sigmund Freud was walking down an aisle at his favourite supermarket, he didn't notice that the floor was wet so he slipped and fell. It was the first ever Freudian slip.
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