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Joined: 12/15/2008
Msg: 176
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Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!Page 62 of 70    (30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60, 61, 62, 63, 64, 65, 66, 67, 68, 69, 70)
A) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(B) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(C) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans

(E) Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.
Joined: 11/3/2005
Msg: 177
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 7/18/2011 7:40:17 PM
How Hot Is It in Kansas ???

IT'S SO HOT AND DRY Kansas.....the birds have to use

potholders to pull the worms out of the ground.

....the trees are whistling for the dogs.

....the best parking place is determined by shade instead of
distance water comes from both taps. can make sun tea instantly. learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good
branding iron.

....the temperature drops below 95 F (35 C) and you feel a
little chilly. discover that in July it only takes two fingers to
steer your car. discover that you can get sunburned through your car
window. actually burn your hand opening the car door. break into a sweat the instant you step outside at
7:30 A.M.

....your biggest motorcycle wreck fear is, "What if I get
knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death"? realize that asphalt has a liquid stage.

....the potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is
pull one out and add butter.

....the cows are giving evaporated milk. are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep
them from laying boiled eggs

IT'S SO DRY IN Kansas That the Baptists are starting to baptize
by sprinkling,

The Methodists are using wet-wipes,

Presbyterians are giving rain checks,

And the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn
back into water!
Joined: 11/3/2005
Msg: 178
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 7/19/2011 10:44:13 AM
Side Effects of Jet Fuel
Ole and Sven were drinking buddies who worked as

Aircraft mechanics in Minneapolis and one day

The airport was fogged in and they were stuck in

The hangar with nothing to do.

Ole said, "I vish ve had somethin at drink!"

Sven says, "Me too. Y'know, I hear you can drink dat yet fuel and get a buzz. Ya vanna try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high

Octane hooch and got completely smashed.

Next morning Ole woke up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover!

NO bad side effects. Nothing!

The phone rang. It was Sven who asks "How iss you feelin dis mornin?"

Ole says, "I feel great. How bout you?"

Sven says, "I feel great, too. Ya don't have no hangover?"

Ole says, "No dat yet fuel iss great stuff -- no hangover, nothin.

Ve oughta do dis more often."

Sven agreed."Yeah, vell, but dere's yust vun ting."

Ole asked, "Vat's dat?"

Sven questioned, "Haff you farted yet?"

Ole stopped to think. "No."

"Vell, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Iowa.
Joined: 7/10/2011
Msg: 179
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 7/22/2011 1:16:40 PM
Man asks a women hay can I buy u a drink
Woman says no its bad for my legs
Man says bad for ur legs why do the swell
Woman says oh no they spread
Joined: 11/29/2010
Msg: 180
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 7/22/2011 3:26:02 PM
A young schoolteacher had to write a long text on the board, so she got up on the tip of her toes to start writing from the top.

Suddenly a young boy erupts in laughter, she turns around. 'What is it Peter, why are you laughing like this?' she asks. 'It's because I saw one of your garters when you rose on your feet, Mrs!' replies Peter. 'Alright. You're suspended for two days.' she says.
She returns to the board and keeps writing when she realizes that she forgot to write the title, so she has to stretch and rewrite the beginning. Another boy erupts in laughter. 'What is it Tom? Why are you laughing?' 'I saw both your garters, Mrs, sorry!' he can't help keep laughing so she decides to give him a tougher punishment, hoping it will dissuade the rest of the class from any further disruptive behaviour. 'You're suspended for three weeks!' she says. Still nervous and angry, turning around to write on the board she drops her chalk to the floor. As she bends over to pick it up, the entire class erupts in laughter. 'What is it this time!' she shouts... Sam is starting to walk out of the class, 'Sam where are you going?' 'Well mrs, says Sam, after what I saw, I suppose I might as well go back to working in the field'.
Joined: 11/3/2005
Msg: 181
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 7/29/2011 9:56:59 AM






Joined: 11/3/2005
Msg: 182
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 7/29/2011 10:16:06 AM
OMG! Did you hear? Ronald McDonald killed Burger King right in front of Dairy Queen. It's being talked about all over Boston Market. Burger King just couldn't keep his Jack in the Box and was Dunkin Donuts under the Sheetz. but then compared to McDonald's Wimpy Little Caeser, it's no real wonder why his girl, Wendy, cheated on him. KFC said the funeral will be at Church's. You going? I'm taking the Subway!!!LOL

The celebrity turnout is suppose to be AWESUM!
I've heard the guest list includes Five Guys, Popeye, Arby, Tim Horton, Mr. Bojangles, (Long) John Silver, The Einstein Brothers, and maybe even a Red Rooster!
Everyone speaks highly of the King and they are sure that he has gone to that big White Castle in the sky!!!!

The inturnment is Friday, Outback.
Joined: 11/3/2005
Msg: 183
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 7/31/2011 11:47:53 AM
Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and Obama asks him his name.
" Stanley ," responds the little boy.
"And what is your question, Stanley ?"
"I have 4 questions:
First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?
Second, why are you President when John McCain got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to all of the jobs you were going to create?"
Fourth, why don't you enforce our current immigration laws?
Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right: question time. Who has a question?"
Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name.
"Steve," he responds.
"And what is your question, Steve?"
Actually, I have 6 questions:
First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?
Second, why are you President when John McCain got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to all of the jobs you were going to create?"
Fourth, why don't you enforce our current immigration laws?
Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And sixth, what the hell happened to Stanley ?"
Joined: 9/5/2010
Msg: 184
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Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 8/1/2011 6:53:37 PM
Ha HA Ha LMFAO great joke
Joined: 5/16/2011
Msg: 185
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 8/7/2011 2:12:04 PM
These 3 guys climb to the top of this big,high moutain &,at the end of it is a cliff. It's called "Lookout Point" and it's magical.... it's said,if you run & jump off,the last thing you say is what you'll become. So.the first guy runs and jumps and says "Concord!" and he soars off,a huge silver airplane. Now,the second guys runs and jumps and shouts"Eagle!" and,he,too soars off into the clear,blue sky. The third guy is excited....but, a bit of a klutz! He runs,goes to jump at the end...but trips instead! "SHIT!!" he shouts. PLOP!!! What comes before Part B? Part-A!! This man is having an identity problem....he thinks he's a moth! So he runs into a dentist's office and says,"Doctor,Doctor,can you help me? I think I'm a moth!!" The Dentist shakes his head and asks"If you think you're a moth,why are you in here? " And the man says,"Well....your light was on!"
Joined: 11/3/2005
Msg: 186
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 8/12/2011 7:12:27 PM
Catholic Heart Attack

You don't have to be Catholic to appreciate this one!!!

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.

A store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.

The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had
emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at
the Catholic Hospital he was taken to.

A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded with
several forms, and a pen.

She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked
the irritated nun.

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters!
Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
Joined: 10/23/2008
Msg: 187
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Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 8/13/2011 5:20:17 AM
teenage girl wears see-through blouse and no bra. Her gran goes mad, telling her not to go out like that. "loosen up gran, These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes. Next day, girl comes downstairs, and the gran is sitting there with no top on. girl embarassed, explains to her gran she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate. "Loosen up, sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."
Joined: 8/4/2009
Msg: 188
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 8/13/2011 11:06:36 PM
A delivery man was driving down a rural road and looked over to see a hog in its pen with a wooden leg. He stopped and backed up the the driveway of the farm. The farmer walked towards him and said "Howdy, what can i do for ya?" "Umm, does that pig have a wooden leg?" the man asked. "Yes.sir" answered the farmer.

"Why?" asked the man. "Well, once when me and my wife Ethel were out some young punk broke into our house and that hog jumped his fence and then sat on the kid until we got back." answered the farmer. Before the man could speak the farmer continued "Another time I flipped my tractor in the mud and that hog jumped its pen and drug me out of the mud and saved my life. And another time our house was on fire and that hog got out and woke us up, saved our whole family." "But sir. how does that explain the wooden leg?" asked the man.

"Son, you can't eat a hog like that all at one time."
Joined: 11/3/2005
Msg: 189
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 8/22/2011 5:32:37 AM

Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mom that the boys keep asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at doing them.
Mom said : "YOU should say NO - they only want to look at your undies".
Susie said: " I know they do ... that's why I hide them in my backpack"!!
Joined: 8/31/2011
Msg: 190
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 9/23/2011 6:47:44 AM
My neighbour came over & knocked on my door. when i answered she inquired about missing items from her clothes line.. I nearly shit her panties..!
Joined: 11/3/2005
Msg: 191
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 9/28/2011 11:05:28 PM
While creating wives,

God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.

And then He made the earth round.
Joined: 9/19/2011
Msg: 192
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 9/28/2011 11:50:31 PM
Somebody once asked me what name I go by on Plenty of Fish. I told them, my name is Lord Xenu and they said to me: "Funny, I thought you were trapped in a mountain or a volcano or something like that. At least that is what Scientologists say. " And I say to them: "No, that was my first body that was trapped in the mountain. Or was that really a volcano? I never can remember! I have been reincarnated since then, you see." And they ask me if we used space ships that look like airplanes. I said to them: "Honestly, if you were an advanced enough civilization to build a space ship... would you model it after an airplane?" Which then brings us to the best question of all: "Have you ever had a stress test?" And I always answer that one by saying: "All these stupid, idiotic questions you keep asking me ARE a stress test. Lord Xenu has spoken!" So before you can see "Xenu is my homeboy!" the other fellow turned pale and walked away. No respect for former Galactic Emperors these days... no respect at all! Ah well... I guess it could be worse, they could have asked me to teach them the ways of the Force. And we see how good that always works out for former Galactic Emperors. Sorry, I have no desire to take on an apprentice only to have them throw me into the Death Star's core! Of course, we could always throw Yoda down there... I'll bet he would just bounce off the walls and come back up to annoy everybody further with his best Grover Monster impersonations. Because that is how Yoda rolls, baby! Like Grover. Super Grover, nonetheless. Yes... it is not easy being a Sith Lord. Especailly one with a sense of style and fashion like me. I mean, seriously... black cloaks? No thank you! That is as boring as the Jedi and their brown cloaks. I would love to have gone before the Jedi Council and said, with a crazy grin on my face: "Why so serious?" Before shooting some force lightning at Yoda's chair just to make him jump up into the air and smack his head on the ceiling. Anybody else hearing the Imperial March right now? And while we are on the subject of the Empire... ah, I do miss the good old days of the Empire... anybody notice that Darth Vader prefers to be called Lord Vader? Ever wonder why? Because he is not a Master... Vader. That is as bad as when people confuse me for Xena. I mean seriously! Xenu is not a warrior princess. Warlord of Mars, maybe, but never a warrior princess. Though I'd kiss Gabrielle anyday. Because that is how I roll. And speaking of fiendish Star Wars names... Boba Fett. I mean, who ever thought that a name that sounds like Booby Felt was a good idea? I guess the same person who had thought that Vader would make a good Master Vader. Hmmm. Ming the Meciless never had those kinds of problems. Instead he had annoying flying vikings, an Aryan football player turned savior of the universe, and a real hot babe for a daughter. The planet Mongo though... really, at least we can all be grateful it was not the plenet Mongoloid. Because then we would not have Ming attaking Flash Gordon. We would have Jason Voorhees attacking Flash Gordon. And Jason in space never works! Well, you've been a good audiance. Probably a patient one too! Lord Xenu thanks you.
Joined: 10/1/2009
Msg: 193
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Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 9/29/2011 12:41:08 AM
He didn't like the casserole,
And he didn't like my cake,
He said my biscuits were too hard,
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right.
He didn't like the stew.
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer,
I was looking for a clue.
Then I smacked the chit out of him....
Like his mother used to do.

I love a good poem, don't you?!?!
Joined: 7/25/2007
Msg: 194
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Houseplants can be dangerous
Posted: 10/2/2011 2:23:38 PM
A couple ihad a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was.
She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.. About that time the family dog came and
cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.
The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.
About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around.
She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now, the police had arrived. Breath here......

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her.
Joined: 7/25/2007
Msg: 195
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Houseplants can be dangerous
Posted: 10/2/2011 2:25:10 PM
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third orders 1/4 of a beer. The bartender slams two beers on the bar and says, "You guys really need to learn your limits."
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 196
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Houseplants can be dangerous
Posted: 10/2/2011 4:11:46 PM
I LOVE that one!! Thanks for passing on the laughter.
Joined: 11/3/2005
Msg: 197
High Urinals
Posted: 10/21/2011 9:35:31 PM
A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs ) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'

'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'
Joined: 2/29/2008
Msg: 198
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Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 10/22/2011 10:08:51 AM
Dont know if it's a good one? But here's one sent by txt yesterday.

What's Black with 2 broken arms?
Colonel Gaddafi's
Joined: 4/11/2011
Msg: 199
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 10/22/2011 10:30:48 AM
A blind man walks into a bar . Starts twirling his dog around up over his head. Bartender asks wtf are you doin?! OOOOOh just ookin around......
Joined: 10/1/2009
Msg: 200
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Posted: 1/27/2012 7:35:39 AM

One day three blondes were walking down the beach when they saw that something had washed up on the beach.

The first blonde shouts, "Look it's a dinosaur!"

The second blonde says, "No stupid. It's the Titanic. Duh."

The third blonde chuckles. "You're both dumb. It's obviously a genie in a bottle." So she proceeds to pick up the bottle and rub it. Sure enough! A genie pops out!

The genie stretched and looks around to find the three blondes. "Normally," the genie said, "I would grant three wishes, but since there are three of you, you each get one wish."

The first blonde steps forward. "Ok, I don't like being a dumb blonde so I want to be 50% smarter."

The genie bobs his head and says, "Done." He turns her into a brunette.

The second blonde says, "I don't like being a dumb blonde either so I want to be 100% smarter!" The genie turns her into a redhead.

The last blonde ponders her wish for a moment and finally says, "I LIKE being a dumb blonde. I want to be 100% dumber."

The genie turns her into a man.
Show ALL Forums  > humor  > Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!