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 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 151
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Tragically, I actually understand that guy.
 oldhippie1952
Joined: 2/9/2011
Msg: 152
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 3/13/2011 12:36:21 PM
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get
in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she
loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from
the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Frick,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our
store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both
of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel,
are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels..

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'


And last, but not least:

15.. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of
the clerks passed out.
 thebeave300
Joined: 10/11/2010
Msg: 153
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 3/24/2011 5:34:01 PM
Sweeet!!!! too funny
 AmericanPieQT
Joined: 10/1/2009
Msg: 154
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Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 4/2/2011 12:06:02 AM
I've never done this before ....... Hope this posts OK. I just saw this "Forums" link in the top of the PoF page. I've never seen it before. Hope I find it again.

Here's my cutsie poem:

Redneck Romance

Susie Lee done fell in love,
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy 'bout it all,
She told her Pappy so.

Pappy told her, "Susie Gal,
You'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo' ma don't know,
But Joe is yo' half brother."

So Susie put aside her Joe,
And planned to marry Will,
But after telling Pappy this,
He said, "There's trouble still

You can't marry Will, My Gal,
And please don't tell yo' mother,
But Will and Joe, and several mo'
I know is yo' half brother."

But Mamma knew and said, "My child,
Just do what makes yo' happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe;
You ain't no kin to pappy."
 AmericanPieQT
Joined: 10/1/2009
Msg: 155
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The Importance of Walking
Posted: 4/7/2011 8:19:15 PM
The Importance of Walking


Walking can add minutes to your life.

This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
and we don't know where the hell he is.

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing..


I joined a health club last year,
spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate...

I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.


Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.
 oldhippie1952
Joined: 2/9/2011
Msg: 156
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 4/14/2011 4:51:26 AM
I did not see a thread about marriage so this generic forum should do!

Emailed from a friend!


A redneck family from South Carolina was visiting the big city and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'Paw, what's at?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my whole life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular number above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, 'Boy..........go gitcha Momma!
 english lass
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 157
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 4/16/2011 3:54:02 PM
Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.

"What's Logic?" the first redneck asks.

The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weedeater?"

"I sure do."
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good!" says the redneck.
The professor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."

Impressed, the redneck says, "Amazin!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck is obviously catching on.

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!!"

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin'?" asks the friend. "Math, History, and Logic!" replies the first redneck.

"What in tarnation is logic???" asked his friend.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?" asked the first redneck.

"No," his friend replied.

"yer gay!"
 oldhippie1952
Joined: 2/9/2011
Msg: 158
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 4/22/2011 1:12:04 PM
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. No thanks, I'm married.

2. Nope, no more booze for me!

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4. No thanks, I'm not hungry.

5. I'm not interested in fighting you.


6. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance. I have no coordination and I'd hate to look like a fool!

7. I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.
 oldhippie1952
Joined: 2/9/2011
Msg: 159
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 4/22/2011 1:13:27 PM
Journey of a Man

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.



When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.



In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen , cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.



When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.



When I was 30 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.



When I turned 34, I found a smart and ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.



I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.
 oldhippie1952
Joined: 2/9/2011
Msg: 160
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/8/2011 11:17:53 AM
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America ..
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the
same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking
when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
 Kansasflyboy
Joined: 11/3/2005
Msg: 161
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/24/2011 8:43:24 PM
Long hair in the Bible

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.

The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'

His father replied, 'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?
 Dan99993
Joined: 11/29/2010
Msg: 162
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 5/31/2011 3:40:58 PM
An old scrooge had just finished his Christmas shopping, he was trying to change his ways, bought a lot of gifts, etc. He decided he'd take a taxi for once, instead of walking home. So he gets into a taxi, and just as he gets inside a thief passes by and snatches one of his bags, carrying valuables presents. The taxi driver jumps out of his cab and catches the thief and starts beating him up. The client yells at him no, don't do that, stop! The driver doesn't listen and just goes on pummeling the thief. 'Stop! Please!' yells the scrooge, but the driver keeps on beating on the guy. 'Stop!' asks again the scrooge. The driver finally stops and feels a bit bad about himself, since this is Christmas, and excuses himself to the client: 'I couldn't just let him go, like that.' and hands over the stolen bag. 'No, says the scrooge, I mean stop the meter!'
 Kansasflyboy
Joined: 11/3/2005
Msg: 163
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 6/5/2011 8:28:03 PM
One day a man walked into a bar. He told the bartender that he didn't have any money. However, he would show the bartender something amazing in exchange for a drink. It was a slow day, so the bartender agreed.

The man reached into his pocket and pulled out a frog and a tiny saxophone. He gave the saxophone to the frog. The frog then proceeded to play an incredible jazz solo. Highly impressed, the bartender gave the man a drink.

The man then asked for another drink in exchange for something even more amazing. The bartender agreed.

So the man pulled a hamster out of his pocket and set it on the bar. The frog started playing the saxophone again. Then the hamster started singing along. It was a terrific jazz duet. Even more impressed, the bartender gave the man a second drink.

Just then another bar patron rushed up to the man. He offered the man $1,000 for the singing hamster. The man considered it for a moment and then agreed to the deal.

The patron paid the man and quickly left with the hamster. After the patron left, the bartender exclaimed, "I can't believe you let a singing hamster go for only $1,000!"

The man replied, "It's no loss to me. The frog is a ventriloquist."
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 164
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Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 6/8/2011 9:31:28 AM
Shouldn't the frog play piano, or some non-mouth-required instrument to make this work?
 Molly Maude
Joined: 9/11/2008
Msg: 165
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Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 6/8/2011 5:53:51 PM
... and ... of the ENTIRE JOKE ... the only part you have a concern about, Igor, is that the frog couldn't do the ventriloquist thing while playing a saxophone?

~~~
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 166
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Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 6/9/2011 5:36:16 AM
Shows up how brilliant my thought processes are, eh?
 Dan99993
Joined: 11/29/2010
Msg: 167
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 6/9/2011 12:43:53 PM
Engineers get caught up in the details.
 Dvs_Max
Joined: 5/18/2011
Msg: 168
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 6/15/2011 12:26:29 PM
WHAT DO YOU CALL A BUNCH OF MEXICANS RUNING DOWN HILL? PRISON BREAK!
 Dvs_Max
Joined: 5/18/2011
Msg: 169
Sex after death?????
Posted: 6/15/2011 12:55:50 PM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.

Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

True to his word, he made the first contact:

" Marion ... Marion "

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.

I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.

Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.

Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"

"No...........I'm a rabbit in Arizona
 gailnbrown1
Joined: 6/12/2011
Msg: 170
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Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 6/15/2011 1:21:14 PM
Hey I'm new here, my name is Gail, I found theses jokes. Here's one. The older a lady get's gravity start's taking it's toll. I go around singing or humming all the time. The other day, while standing at the bus stop, I thought the old man standing next to me was getting fresh with me. But when I finally looked down he was patting his foot, keeping time to the tune.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 171
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Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 6/23/2011 1:29:55 PM
It's a bit dated, but the presentation is GREAT (as in hilarious). Note: for those who want to know, use http://www.evilgenius.net/asciibin.html, select "Binary to ASCII," the click "Translate."
 Sportsfreak89
Joined: 12/28/2010
Msg: 172
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 7/6/2011 11:33:03 AM
If you're playing poker with your buddies and gambling for meat, would it be right to say you're playing high steaks poker?

If you pick up a pirate's treasure without his permission wouldn't that be sexual harassment since you are grabbing his booty?

What kind of meat do stoners like to eat? POT roast!
 GWSmith
Joined: 12/18/2008
Msg: 173
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 7/9/2011 9:25:16 PM
What do politicians and strippers have in common?
They make a living working the poles.

What is the difference?
The way they screw you.
 Kansasflyboy
Joined: 11/3/2005
Msg: 174
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 7/10/2011 7:48:44 AM
Seniors Pre-nuptial Agreement

An elderly couple were about to get married.

She said: I want to keep my house.

He said: That's fine with me.

She said: I want to keep my Cadillac.

He said: That's fine with me.

She said: I want to have relations 6 times a week.

He said: Put me down for Fridays.
 Kansasflyboy
Joined: 11/3/2005
Msg: 175
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 7/12/2011 6:39:58 PM
The Shredder

A young engineer was leaving the office at 5:45 p.m. when he found the
CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important
document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned on the machine, inserted
the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared
inside the machine, "I just need one copy."

Lesson: Never, Never, ever assume that your boss knows what he's doing.
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