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Joined: 8/31/2011
Msg: 190
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My neighbour came over & knocked on my door. when i answered she inquired about missing items from her clothes line.. I nearly shit her panties..!
Joined: 11/3/2005
Msg: 191
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 9/28/2011 11:05:28 PM
While creating wives,

God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.

And then He made the earth round.
Joined: 9/19/2011
Msg: 192
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 9/28/2011 11:50:31 PM
Somebody once asked me what name I go by on Plenty of Fish. I told them, my name is Lord Xenu and they said to me: "Funny, I thought you were trapped in a mountain or a volcano or something like that. At least that is what Scientologists say. " And I say to them: "No, that was my first body that was trapped in the mountain. Or was that really a volcano? I never can remember! I have been reincarnated since then, you see." And they ask me if we used space ships that look like airplanes. I said to them: "Honestly, if you were an advanced enough civilization to build a space ship... would you model it after an airplane?" Which then brings us to the best question of all: "Have you ever had a stress test?" And I always answer that one by saying: "All these stupid, idiotic questions you keep asking me ARE a stress test. Lord Xenu has spoken!" So before you can see "Xenu is my homeboy!" the other fellow turned pale and walked away. No respect for former Galactic Emperors these days... no respect at all! Ah well... I guess it could be worse, they could have asked me to teach them the ways of the Force. And we see how good that always works out for former Galactic Emperors. Sorry, I have no desire to take on an apprentice only to have them throw me into the Death Star's core! Of course, we could always throw Yoda down there... I'll bet he would just bounce off the walls and come back up to annoy everybody further with his best Grover Monster impersonations. Because that is how Yoda rolls, baby! Like Grover. Super Grover, nonetheless. Yes... it is not easy being a Sith Lord. Especailly one with a sense of style and fashion like me. I mean, seriously... black cloaks? No thank you! That is as boring as the Jedi and their brown cloaks. I would love to have gone before the Jedi Council and said, with a crazy grin on my face: "Why so serious?" Before shooting some force lightning at Yoda's chair just to make him jump up into the air and smack his head on the ceiling. Anybody else hearing the Imperial March right now? And while we are on the subject of the Empire... ah, I do miss the good old days of the Empire... anybody notice that Darth Vader prefers to be called Lord Vader? Ever wonder why? Because he is not a Master... Vader. That is as bad as when people confuse me for Xena. I mean seriously! Xenu is not a warrior princess. Warlord of Mars, maybe, but never a warrior princess. Though I'd kiss Gabrielle anyday. Because that is how I roll. And speaking of fiendish Star Wars names... Boba Fett. I mean, who ever thought that a name that sounds like Booby Felt was a good idea? I guess the same person who had thought that Vader would make a good Master Vader. Hmmm. Ming the Meciless never had those kinds of problems. Instead he had annoying flying vikings, an Aryan football player turned savior of the universe, and a real hot babe for a daughter. The planet Mongo though... really, at least we can all be grateful it was not the plenet Mongoloid. Because then we would not have Ming attaking Flash Gordon. We would have Jason Voorhees attacking Flash Gordon. And Jason in space never works! Well, you've been a good audiance. Probably a patient one too! Lord Xenu thanks you.
Joined: 10/1/2009
Msg: 193
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Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 9/29/2011 12:41:08 AM
He didn't like the casserole,
And he didn't like my cake,
He said my biscuits were too hard,
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right.
He didn't like the stew.
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer,
I was looking for a clue.
Then I smacked the chit out of him....
Like his mother used to do.

I love a good poem, don't you?!?!
Joined: 7/25/2007
Msg: 194
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Houseplants can be dangerous
Posted: 10/2/2011 2:23:38 PM
A couple ihad a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was.
She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.. About that time the family dog came and
cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.
The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.
About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around.
She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now, the police had arrived. Breath here......

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her.
Joined: 7/25/2007
Msg: 195
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Houseplants can be dangerous
Posted: 10/2/2011 2:25:10 PM
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third orders 1/4 of a beer. The bartender slams two beers on the bar and says, "You guys really need to learn your limits."
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 196
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Houseplants can be dangerous
Posted: 10/2/2011 4:11:46 PM
I LOVE that one!! Thanks for passing on the laughter.
Joined: 11/3/2005
Msg: 197
High Urinals
Posted: 10/21/2011 9:35:31 PM
A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs ) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'

'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'
Joined: 2/29/2008
Msg: 198
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Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 10/22/2011 10:08:51 AM
Dont know if it's a good one? But here's one sent by txt yesterday.

What's Black with 2 broken arms?
Colonel Gaddafi's
Joined: 4/11/2011
Msg: 199
Jokes, Jokes, Jokes!!!!!!
Posted: 10/22/2011 10:30:48 AM
A blind man walks into a bar . Starts twirling his dog around up over his head. Bartender asks wtf are you doin?! OOOOOh just ookin around......
Joined: 10/1/2009
Msg: 200
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Posted: 1/27/2012 7:35:39 AM

One day three blondes were walking down the beach when they saw that something had washed up on the beach.

The first blonde shouts, "Look it's a dinosaur!"

The second blonde says, "No stupid. It's the Titanic. Duh."

The third blonde chuckles. "You're both dumb. It's obviously a genie in a bottle." So she proceeds to pick up the bottle and rub it. Sure enough! A genie pops out!

The genie stretched and looks around to find the three blondes. "Normally," the genie said, "I would grant three wishes, but since there are three of you, you each get one wish."

The first blonde steps forward. "Ok, I don't like being a dumb blonde so I want to be 50% smarter."

The genie bobs his head and says, "Done." He turns her into a brunette.

The second blonde says, "I don't like being a dumb blonde either so I want to be 100% smarter!" The genie turns her into a redhead.

The last blonde ponders her wish for a moment and finally says, "I LIKE being a dumb blonde. I want to be 100% dumber."

The genie turns her into a man.
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