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Joined: 3/27/2006
Msg: 21
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I need some advice...Page 5 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
see, women are twisted these days WITH the thought that it is ONLY their decision. IT IS NOT!!! it takes two to make the baby, not one, but now adays the court doesnt see that and maybe thats why some women think the way they really should be BOTH parents responsibility and decision. obvioulsy he cant MAKE you have an abortion...but if it goes that way, your keeping it, and he doesnt want a part of it, then so be it, but by golly, dont try to get money out of him, YOU made that decision not him. yes it takes two to make it, but it also takes two to keep it, so if your up for keeping it,and hes not, then thats YOUR decsion. leave it at that, and forget he exists. if he is a man, he will come around and want something to do w/ the lil rugrat...
regardless of your personal feelings toward each other, need to do what is best for the baby, i read one person said that "how good is it for the baby when moms here and dads there..." seperated. HELLO!! IT TAKES TWO! thats the way God made it.
now im not saying abortion or adoption is the answer, but maybe girls and guys shouldnt be so quick to jump in the sack w/ whomever they are attracted to. WAIT! a little bit, get to know someone, mentally before physically. THERE, problem solved
Joined: 6/29/2006
Msg: 22
I need some advice...
Posted: 7/7/2006 8:38:07 PM
To the guy who got the girl pregnant, sorry dude, you are pretty much screwed here. If the girl wants to have the baby, then she is going to have it, if its yours ( no offense, no one is for sure its yours at this point ) then you are going to have to pay for the child or go to jail. At least two decades of support of some kind and virtually no chance for you to ever go on things like vacation or have an early retirement. Theres no real way around it man, you slept with the wrong girl ( at least for you ) at the wrong time. Mentally preparing for it now is all you can do.

What I think some of the single mothers in here might not be accounting for, at least the older ones, is that things have changed both socially and economically since they probably had their kids. Things have changed drastically in the last 5-10 years. Consider that 10 years ago, there were few cellphones out there and very few people had Internet, now look at the world. I think the cost structure to raise a child has changed as well. This girl doesn't sound like a DuPont here, she is likely to go into the social welfare system, live in near poverty in most cases and her child statistically has a greater chance of having emotional issues and be incarcerated. And that child will grow up with no father or a father who clearly does not want him/her.

I wouldn't tell this girl to have or not have this kid at this point. Its not a great idea to make long term decisions based on pure emotion. I think its a good idea to sit down, relax, take a moment of pause and talk to a range of people, not just other single mothers. And I think some of the single mothers here ought to be honest about the financial realities of being a young single mother. Most of them were not eating steak dinners on fine china every night. I also think the father should have some input into your decision, the decision is yours, but if you box him out now, you will box him out forever of your childs life. That might be fair to you but might not be fair to the child.

If you have the time to make a decision, then take a few weeks and really think about it. There are no wrong choices, just choices that are wrong for you.

If theres an object lesson for the men here, its to consider every sexual encounter as someone you might have a child with ( if thats not a sobering thought, I'm not sure what is. If men really thought that way all the time, most women would never see sex again. )
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 24
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I need some advice...
Posted: 7/7/2006 10:26:47 PM
laurelmoonstar wrote ...
I dont know what to tell you to do. I got pregnant once and had an abortion. I often think about it, and now, 3 kids later, I regret that decision. I have to live with it for the rest of my life, and it is very hard. I just wanted to say that hopefully that wont happen to you, but for me it is very hard to live with, the regret.

@joker of wilds ...

I have four children ... miscarried 2 additional, and recently lost the baby of the bunch at the age of 22 ... last October. I understand the loss of a child no matter what the stage or age.

I worked in a clinic in Hawaii that confronted this issue everytime our OB/GYN was in the clinic ... two days per week. I can't begin to tell you how many "morning after" pills we dispensed. As a nurse, it's not my call to pass judgment or advise my patients one way or the other. My only obligation is to see to that they know about the side effects they may have when they consume the pill and how to use the pill correctly.

This is a rough call ... for sure, if it were me ... if there was any question about regrets, I would not have an abortion. As Laurelmoonstar posted ... it was very hard to live with the regret. As is the case with our lives ... what's done is done and once it's done, there is no taking it back.

Please give this a lot of thought and try not to allow yourself to be influenced by people who will not be around to help you raise your child (should you decide to have the baby) and certainly do not allow the father to force you to do something that in your heart you know you may not be able to live with for the rest of your life ... the rest of your life!

I will never forget the births of my children ... still remember them very vividly and always smile. I have also never forgotten the sadness of the loss of the other two that miscarried ... fortunately, that is not so vivid as the births were.

I will never get over the pain of losing my son ... it will stay with me until the day I die. Please forgive me ... it is a pain that is undescribable and only those who have ever suffered it can know what I mean.

Choose wisely and be prepared to live with that choice. Good luck and don't be afraid to ask for help from family and good friends ... those who love you and support you will not let you down. If necessary ... I hope the welfare system will be there for you ... let's hope you do not have to use it though.

Joined: 6/29/2006
Msg: 25
I need some advice...
Posted: 7/7/2006 10:35:31 PM
The girl is a 21 year old single student.

Seriously, what kind of job skills do most 21 year old students have? This isn't meant to piss on the original poster just make a point that there are some serious financial questions she will have to face very soon that will impact the rest of her and her childs life.

Sure if you have some help, maybe some family, maybe some good friends. But if this girl is on her own, she is going to be churned through the social welfare system. Some of you women have probably been there, some men too.

Statistically speaking, what future does this child have? Everyone wants to talk about the mothers rights, what about the quality of life for this child? To potentially grow up in poverty without a father?

And yes, I'm sure there are men wiping their brows and breathing sighs of relief right now over past girls they slept with in their youth and are glad they did not have a child with them.
Joined: 3/21/2006
Msg: 26
I need some advice...
Posted: 7/7/2006 11:23:02 PM
OP- In the end, do what you feel is right. The men have no idea what it's like to have a little person growing inside your belly. Especially the ones that have no children giving you advice. However, whatever decision you make will be okay.

Does it really matter if you'll be eating steak dinners on fine china as one poster mentioned? Money isn't everything that's for sure. Talk to people close to you and you make the decision that's right for you. Yes, this is a very emotional decision and one you'll have to work out. God bless you, Sweetie. Kat
Joined: 5/16/2006
Msg: 28
I need some advice...
Posted: 7/9/2006 7:00:44 PM
Totally amazing thread.

Okay for everyone on the thread, including the ones hanging on these threads year after year that are self proclaimed experts, that is at a lost to OP.

I would take just about anyone with a 6th grade reading ability to see by the 15th reply ,as well as thread "pregnant EX" that OP was just another "sperm receptacle" that either has killed another child or will carry one to term that most likely ..."I"... will end up paying for.

I'm astonished and appalled at the general agreement in the thread that abortation is a prefectly good means to POST birth control, and that the "sperm provider " has no say, but to cut a check for the next 19 years or so.

My most respect for the very few that offered adoption is voiced.

OP never defened herself in either thread for lack of taking care of her first child, or the attempted suiside, just the fact she wasn't going to jail.

That is where she may very well be at this moment. At 21 she is already breeding with someone she only knew after 8 weeks. A man, that in his profile states...." man looking for a man.".........

So just by her own admission, or lack of rebuttal. She is not taking care of the first child, is suisidal, total lacks any kind of sound responsible adult judgement.

She had many of many options not to create a child. Pills, patches, needles, condoms(his and/or hers), sex other then intercourse, and the old "Oldie but a Goodie"*** N-O *****"Just say No"

Instead she spreads her legs in a matter of a few weeks, then runs to a free dating site for answers....."WHAT DO I DO?"

The 1st part that amazes me that the majority here think it is fine and dandy to murder a life cuz to morons can breed.

The 2nd part that it is her decision alone. (I don't want to hear any crap about childbirth and the women, this is her 2ND at least). If he is to be held responsible then he should be able to make a legal call NOW.

Thank God there is a Michigan case in Federal court challenging that ,right now, under the constitution's "Equal rights clause"

The 3rd part that amazes me that how many in this thread need some psychic to come post so your curious minds will be at rest.

Let me be a little clairvoyant for you with Words of Wisdom By Big Daddy Joe:

She will either kill the child like millions and millions of others in this world that are prefectly happy with calling POST BIRTH CONTROL as "Pro Choice for the women" or we in another 13-16 years will have another loser on our hands that I paid to drag through the welfare,courts, and maybe jail syatem, as I am taxed to death while two other lazy pieces of crap are to lazy to go to almost any state ran health department or probation office and load up on FREE birth control.

Pleeeeeze .....The sooner society starts realizing that it's not the choice of "one" sperm receptacle and demands the responsibilites of others,including society as a whole, things will just continue to deteriorate. Life will be looked at to be plucked from the end of a coat hanger, and if not , tax players will be left with 2 or more decades of paying for the mess.


Gecko, I know you have only been posting a few weeks, and you won't make EVERYONE happy, but I read almost every one of your post. You are so on the money. Shoot it straight at them....They always ask for the truth, so let them swallow it.......
Funny, maybe OP did that,alot on this thread wouldn't have their panties in a bunch.
Joined: 10/17/2005
Msg: 29
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I need some advice...
Posted: 7/9/2006 7:10:33 PM
Edit ... looks like treemanbdj beat me to it! ......

Okay ... I did some checking ...
The OP is a 21 year old student ... boyfriend is a 22 year old with no profession listed ... both from the same town.

The OP started this thread on 05/07 at around 10:30 PM, then her boyfriend started his own thread (Pregnant EX) on 05/08 (about 2 hours later) at around 12:45 AM ... that's where he told his side of the story. He stated at that time that there was already an appointment for the abortion and that she, herself had made it ... but of course we do not know if she kept it.

The last time she posted to this thread was on 05/08 at 10:35 AM ... she posted on her boyfriend's thread the same day at around 11:25 AM.

The last time the OP was on POF was was 07/02 ... the last time her boyfriend was on POF was 06/04.

This is his side of the story.

Alright ill let you all say what you want about me. But this is my desicion too. My ex girlfriend found out she ws pregnant after we broke up. We agreed to have an abortion and i stated why below. but now she changed her mind and decided she wants to keep it. Or that she id "unsure" what she wants to do. I know this is a typical male response but i have backed up my reasoning below. i just want advise from people on what You would do. We already have an appointment to have the abortion done. SHE MADE IT. She said she would walk out of my life and never see me again. First of all i cant let her walk out of my life cause i do care about her. Second of all this is a bad situation to be in. We arent together, which first of all is unfair to a child. Having mom here and dad there. second we are both so far in finacial trouble its unreal. she is on the verge of going to jail. i dont make very good money. also she barely takes care of her own kid. we lived together for 2 months and the whole time we were there someone else had her kid. she doesnt have the patients to put up with her own kid. that wouldnt be fair to her kid now. she told me herself she regrets having her daughter, so what shes gonna play this "Oh this time will be different shit. Fix the problems with the first one. why would she want a second. also just last week she tried to kill herself. thats real safe. she swallowed a half a bottle of tylanol. thats not good for a baby. I have medical issues that i dont want to pass on to a baby. to me its not even a baby its a fetus. it could be used for stem cell research if we go through with this. thats not my point just one. everyone is different. I didnt say it was right. i said in our situation its the best decision.

There's not much more in there from him.

Just call me "detective" Cotter ... but it really wasn't hard to figure out.

Joined: 1/20/2006
Msg: 30
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I need some advice...
Posted: 7/9/2006 10:07:30 PM
here is my advice..

first let me say this. i have two sons. I was married to their father for 8 years after living with him for two years.

my first came a year after marriage. the second came in year three. they were both planned and i love and cherish them.

I am divorced two years now.

i work 56 hours a week overnights to maintain my $1600.00 a month rent. I am a nurse.

prior to going to nursing school i got pregnant from my then boyfriend. I was not even in nursing school yet. I decided to terminate.
Had i kept the baby, i would not have finished school. and i would be living in the slums of yonkers or mt vernon on welfare.

Im tired in the mornings when i get home but i feel good because im sending my boys off to one of the best school districts in New York.

because i can clothe them and feed them and take them to medical apointments without reservationand get them top notch care.

you have to ask yourself... in two years, how will I support this screaming hungry baby. where will i get milk and diaper money. sure wic will pay for the milk but not the diapers. and sure you can get assistance but your going to have to live in a shitty neighborhood where you might have to avoid broken crack pipes on your way to your shitty waitressing job or crappy job behind the counter at mcdonalds.

those jobs are great while your in highschool. and sure you can even survive on it as long as you live somewhere cheap enough to maintain. buy you probably will have rats, roache and drug addicts as your neighbors. is that any kind of life for your baby...

there is this thing i personally believe in... and thats quality over quantity.

I'd rather have a little bit of an awesome thing rather than a lot of a crappy thing.

basically. personally.... if you don't have any kind of money earning education, how are you going to feed and clothe this baby? who will pay for the phone, electric, heat, and tv?
you? then you better have some kind of paper. Computer teck, lpn, RN, cna, cpa, something.
otherwise your dooming yourself and your child to a very poor and difficult life.

and if you ask the state for aid because you chose to keep it, the state will go after the father weather you want his money or not... the way the laws are going now, he would have to prove he isn't the father to get out of it.

and let me tell you how difficult it is to find a quality man as a single mom with two big boys... they're 8 & 6 and smart asses. not in a really bad way but they are pains in the butt for sure. who is going ot want o get into that?


any man you end up living with could be held legally responsible for the child finantially depending on what state your living in..

even if you break up....

think long and hard. my advice would be to split the cost with your boyfriend, and terminate.

if you two stick it out... get married and have babies together someday later.
Show ALL Forums  > Single Parents  > I need some advice...