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 Bookbelle
Joined: 10/24/2008
Msg: 20
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Has anyone dated someone with asbergers?Page 3 of 6    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
I have two female friends who have some form of autistic spectrum disorder. (ASD)
They are now going out, and have been for a while now; when my friend told me she was going out with the other girl, I could have kicked myself for not introducing them sooner because they are such a good match! (I knew they were both lesbians before they started going out.)
Both of them have trouble picking up on some social cues, and both dislike being touched by most people. One of them, the friend I knew first, often says or does things that may be rude/blunt/inappropriate, smply because she doesn't realise that what she says or does might offend or upset people.

They absolutely hate being described as a "cute" couple, so I tend to say that they're "well matched", or "well suited".

I'm totally not saying that people with Aspergers should only date other people with the same condition; just that it happened to work well in this instance where my two friends happen to be autistic.
As long as the partner understands and accepts the condition as being part of the person, I don't see a problem.

I haven't gone out with anyone myself who has Aspergers, but if we liked each other and were compatible, I wouldn't see the problem, same as with anyone else.
 GuitarHero68
Joined: 6/15/2011
Msg: 21
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Has anyone dated someone with asbergers?
Posted: 11/17/2011 4:22:48 PM
"I have taught teens with this disorder and often worried how they would fare in later life...the only comfort is the total unawareness they have of the world."

That statement applies more to the general population (who feed on and believe mainstream media are generally truthful) than to Aspies. Maybe you should look up some of the people you taught on facebook and see how they're really doing, instead of just imagining. Compare their comprehension and world views with those of the guy in the next cubicle, who likely has no idea how (or even if) the current Greek and Italian financial crises will affect him.
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 22
Has anyone dated someone with asbergers?
Posted: 1/2/2012 10:12:38 AM
I'm an Aspie - at 48 I have just figured it out, with the help of a man with Asperger's that I have been dating, who also has a daughter with it. At first I said, but I'm social and outgoing, but have also spent much of my life feeling on the outside looking in. I can't be an Aspie because they are withdrawn, but the more read and studied it was as if those books and articles were describing me. Even at 48, the idea of meeting a man, getting married, having kids, is beyond me and I don't know how one goes through the steps of life that NTs do. Female Aspie traits are a contrast to males - some because of social influences. http://www.help4aspergers.com/pb/wp_a58d4f6a/images/img244154ad237783e339.JPG Dating an Aspie man is still quite challenging. He was told by other women he was too intense for them. I actually enjoyed his intensity, didn't fight it, and he doesn't know how to handle that. Now I am hurt from him retreating from me. I thought dating someone so much like me was going to be the answer, but men will still be men running from the first sign of emotional intimacy. It is the thing I crave the most in life - that connection, yet it is the most elusive.
 BLoNde__ANgeL
Joined: 9/20/2011
Msg: 23
Has anyone dated someone with asbergers?
Posted: 1/2/2012 12:19:41 PM

also spent much of my life feeling on the outside looking in. I can't be an Aspie because they are withdrawn, but the more read and studied it was as if those books and articles were describing me. Even at 48, the idea of meeting a man, getting married, having kids, is beyond me and I don't know how one goes through the steps of life that NTs do. Female Aspie traits are a contrast to males - some because of social influences

I was married & had kids & worked & enjoy people, but I find it very stressful. I cannot stand alot of noise & disorganized behavior. I get anxious. I have a few OCD tendencies.
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 25
Has anyone dated someone with asbergers?
Posted: 1/3/2012 8:57:26 AM
Yes Peppermint Petunias,
It is difficult enough to figure someone out when you first start dating them, let alone if there is an underlying issue. How to tell if they are a sociopath, well meaning and simply don't know any better, or undiagnosed and refuse to be because of a stigma. It is hard to connect with someone who doesn't seem to want a connection.
Here is a very good article about that http://autism.about.com/b/2009/03/22/is-it-asperger-syndrome-or-just-plain-bad-manners.htm

There is a full spectrum of behaviors out there and it seems we have to become amateur psychologists just to figure it out. I suppose when someone makes a left field or off the wall comment we can casually ask them to explain themselves. I figure why would a guy ask me out in the first place if he didn't see something in me he liked, so it wouldn't make any sense that one would want to spend an evening with another and say rude things to them. I like to know as much about what is between their ears before I meet them so I know what to expect. The hard part is when I know them long enough to become fond of them and attracted to them and then they start acting out of character "for them." As an Aspie I need consistency so the whole sudden retreat into the "man cave" or needing "space" (does that mean they go to another galaxy?) after quite a few times together when there is obvious chemistry, baffles me and just increases abandonment issues for me. So emotionally unavailable, just rude, or is it Aspergers? I guess only time will tell with a person. Is there truly no chemistry? Or is "chemistry" just a term people use for ambiguous instantaneous lust that doesn't last and is normally only seen in Hollywood movies passing for a "relationship"?
 drew8472
Joined: 11/18/2009
Msg: 27
Has anyone dated someone with asbergers?
Posted: 1/15/2012 5:36:42 PM
I hear your statement. You may need to discuss the behaviour with others to see if a solution can be arrived at. You may need to report it because that is wrong if the individual is making you uncomfortable (and he is aware of it) but doesn't stop, regardless of whether he's Neurotypical or not.

I know very well about Asperger's Syndrome (and for that matter, Non-Verbal Learning Disability). In a lot of cases, it is mild, more positives than negatives (not the other way around), but other people even though they know about Asperger's, even work in the field with clients that have Asperger's, will find the subtleties to quote many "creepy".

Anyway, you just may have to report it, plain and simple if it persists.
 drew8472
Joined: 11/18/2009
Msg: 28
Has anyone dated someone with asbergers?
Posted: 1/15/2012 5:41:24 PM
I cannot speak for all the people claiming to be "Aspies" but I am sure a lot have been formally diagnosed, as I have.
 Tristle
Joined: 9/11/2010
Msg: 29
Has anyone dated someone with asbergers?
Posted: 5/9/2012 4:25:49 PM
I don't know, but sometimes I think I might have it. I've been "accused" ???? of having it. that and ADD. I think the people that accused me of that were doing so to criticize me though. I guess I can feel uncomforable in social situations sometimes, but I think that's normal from time to time. I think I read people pretty well in social situations for the most part. Was tested for ADD and it was not suggestive of an attention disorder. I think I'll ask my doctor about it next time I see him. kinda interesting. I'm kinda introverted and like someone earlier said, maybe I'm just an introvert at times. someone also said that I make friends easily though too. So who knows.

I know a person through an online forum that has it and he suffers quite a bit with loneliness etc. Online he's pretty enjoyable. actually I know 2 from there come to think of it. online couldn't tell anything socially off by either. seemingly intelligent fellows. Which also makes me remember that they tend to have a high vocab and their language is kinda a little too formal in some social situations I believe? anyway, interesting stuff
 Tristle
Joined: 9/11/2010
Msg: 30
Has anyone dated someone with asbergers?
Posted: 5/9/2012 4:35:01 PM
also, people with Aspbergers (Aspies) love cats.
 bluenit64
Joined: 5/4/2012
Msg: 31
Has anyone dated someone with aspergers?
Posted: 5/10/2012 9:42:05 AM
WillB,

This is a fascinating topic, I just recently saw a movie featuring a young boy with this syndrome, it was entitled, Extremely loud and incredibly close. it was about a boy with aspergers syndrome who lost his father in 911 and was trying to complete an expedition that his father had laid out for him in an attempt to regain 8 minutes with his father Tom hanks plays the father and the boy I'm not quite sure who he is but it was an amazing film and this coming from someone who is usually bored by documentaries and loves scifi & midieval movies. Now I myself am extremely shy and would recommend should you choose the high road and date this person your interested in, tell some jokes try it make it about them the first time you meet then they will warm up to you after the first date and want to know more about you. it takes a strong heart to date someone like that and I promise you it won't always be easy to say the least, but you'll have someone amazing times with that person some of which you couldn't experience with another who was deemed normal.

-Sincerely,

-James.
 bluenit64
Joined: 5/4/2012
Msg: 32
Has anyone dated someone with aspergers?
Posted: 5/10/2012 11:02:23 AM
1ukn4u,

all of us are our own worst critics, myself included and usually people with aspergers syndrome have a higher IQ and a more formal speaking style. you mentioned in your message "There is a woman that I love that does get me to do all the things that I really don't want to do. There is someone for everyone. " maybe that's what you needed to improve your quality of life and she is the missing piece of your puzzle thus enabling you to achieve some sense of normalcy. Many people spend their entire life looking for something like that. But it is worth all the hassle in the end if both parties truely care for one another.
Has anyone dated someone with asbergers?
Posted: 7/7/2012 8:08:50 PM
'GeekPrincess' you posted that comment and very good it was too

(In 2006) doh

I have used pof for ages

Can't get a conversation let alone a girlfriend

But was intrigued that you said the kids you've helped find it tough and it's only because they are so unaware of things in the world or 'their environment' if I can put it like that, that they are I suppose potentially blissfully unaware of what is lacking around them socially. It's tough alright. And as another blogger said it's not necessary being worried about all the latest scares, wether it's bird flu, flooding??? ETC I just hope I can meet some people (preferably before I'm old and wrinkly) that accept someone unlike themselves.

People all have a tendency to be selfish, me included, but not wanting to do things other people's way leaves me out in the cold. I'd like to have it my way. I have mild Aspergers Dissorder. It's a pain. And I do suffer. And I suffer in silence. It has led to mental health problems at the moment. My hope is Christ. Him and others, like my parents, in the main.

So to sum up this recovery enducing cathartic sermon I would say it's a tough one both getting through to someone who has the condition, as I do ofcourse, but not only that - tough for them/me communicating. Or in other words it's a mine field of curious obstacles and blind spots, too many to see ahead clearly, and coupled with a growing sense of isolation often as I and Aspie friends have found. The isolation is born of being trapped and growing frustrations.

I could write on a lot of topics. I was good in school in English especially. But making friends does not seem to be my best achievement. To date. :0
 NewatthisA1
Joined: 5/20/2012
Msg: 39
Has anyone dated someone with asbergers?
Posted: 7/8/2012 9:11:49 AM
I see that this thread is an old one, but I will still add my input in case anyone in 2012 or later needs some clarification. Thank you to all who did such a marvelous job at explaining us. Yes, I'm an Aspie. (Some don't like this term, but I find it convenient.) I have just recently been diagnosed, although I have known for most of my 60 years that I was different. Only, in the case of older Aspies, we were not diagnosed as children, and have been forced to live lives filled with confusion, guilt ("Why did you say that? Didn't you realize how embarrassed you made everybody feel?), shame for doing things wrong because supervisors gave specific directions instead of letting one see the whole map of the situation, etc.
We aspies think logically, and often in patterns - I do most things the same way, and when I change it, like where I put my coffee cup on the restaurant table, it is always for a logical reason, not because I just randomly set it down differently. Randomness and Aspergers are an oxymoron.
Thank you Scorpiomover - a very good explanation.
I was at a POF sponsored event last night - better than the last two, but still excruciating because I don't know social signals. Even in our "enlightened" times, women still expect the man to ask them to dance, etc. If they came up and talked with me, I could maintain the conversation. But I need help in starting . BTW, this is not "just" shyness as most of you sometimes experience it. Think of it as walking into a room after learning a new language and speaking it somewhat well, and trying to meet people or join in a conversation. The body language will be different, the in-jokes will be confusing or unintelligible because your language course didn't cover all the assumed contexts and innuendos that everyone else has grown up with. However, generally in such a situation, the others in the room will turn and try to explain the joke when they see the blank look on your face, because they understand from your accent that you are not native-born. Too bad most Aspies do not have an accent. If we say we have Aspergers, they look at us with blank looks on their faces lol.
I married, had three great children, have a bachelors and a Masters degree, computer servicing certifications, speak French, studied Latin, Ancient Greek, Hebrew, and German; I have driven firetrucks; I have been part of a first response/rescue team; I was a minister for over 25 years. When I was relieved by another responder when doing CPR, the fire chief then asked me to talk with the older mother. When a 16 year old boy was killed on his motorcycle, I responded, and when the paramedics took over, the chief had me talk to his mother. Then she asked me to break the news to the boy's grandparents.
We are different people. But as Scorpiomover has pointed out, the benefits can out-way the disadvantages. Would I change if I could? Not if it meant giving up my high intelligence and ability to see the world in a unique way.
BTW, one person posted something about some aspies having cognitive problems. No - by definition, Aspies have average to high intelligence. If cognitive abilities are impaired, they sit somewhere else on the Autism Spectrum.
I'll bring this to a close (Aspies will go on and on about things that concern us or are interested in). If you want to see some examples, look at Zak in the first couple of years of "Bones" , Bones herself, Spock in Star Trek, and from a humourous perspective, Sheldon in "Big Bang Theory".
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 41
Has anyone dated someone with asbergers?
Posted: 7/8/2012 8:50:29 PM
Kirstcatch1981 - I met an aspie last year, and yes I had a real chemistry and connection I have never experienced with anyone else before, but all of a suddenly he became emotionally unavailable, as well as making up excuses why he couldn't see me. Especially over the holidays - that hurt. I don't think I can trust an aspie if they get all freaked out when a woman gets too close. Neurotypical men (non-aspie) are bad enough about being emotionally available. I don't need someone leading me on and wasting my time, and yes taking a bite out my heart. I should have known when he almost kind of bragged that this woman or that woman had fallen in love with him were a bit stalkerish.
 FairlyAlright
Joined: 9/26/2011
Msg: 42
Has anyone dated someone with aspergers?
Posted: 7/9/2012 10:28:28 AM

It got me thinking how can someone date a person with this if their personality is as limited as this?


I briefly dated a woman who, like me, was in the off-again phase of an on/off-again relationship. Her on/off guy was not particularly attractive and had Asperger's, while she was both attractive and socially adept.

I chalked up the pairing to the fact that they were both artists, and this guy's work was well-regarded in his field.

It was toward the end our passing relationship, prior to each of us returning to our on/offs, that she disclosed that this guy was so enormously hung that he could... uh... do certain things to himself quite easily without a woman's help.

So, OP: that might be one reason.
 TwelveFootNinja
Joined: 11/9/2011
Msg: 44
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Has anyone dated someone with aspergers?
Posted: 8/4/2012 6:46:36 PM
I have aspergers myself, was diagnosed back in 2005, and am now 31.

While I don't declare it on my profile, I don't feel that my lifelong condition with mild autistic symptoms is going to enhance my chances of finding someone. I want it to be one less complication in the rare scenario that an opportunity does arise.

On the other foot, I would have no issue dating someone who had aspergers. Knowing that everyone is different, I would respect whatever quirks that would stem from the condition.
 juiceylips.xx
Joined: 5/26/2012
Msg: 45
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Has anyone dated someone with aspergers?
Posted: 8/31/2012 2:55:43 PM
pathetic!!!!!!!...my son is in a relationship, has a fantastic personality and very intelligent with good job. not impressed with your perseption of people with aspergers. there are different levels of the condition....you should not label a person and should think twice before you write your pathetic comment !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! sweetlikechocolatexx
 alisonseymour
Joined: 5/2/2011
Msg: 46
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Has anyone dated someone with asbergers?
Posted: 11/15/2012 4:12:05 PM
After I was diagnosed with Aspergers, I realise why I found it really difficult to end a relationship, and ended up in a mental hospital, (it was after having a mental breakdown) not being able to deal with the break up of a relationship then, and not understanding what was happening around me... reading facial expressions and body language was a significant something I think. I have since had another wonderful relationship which ended because my man said to me he wasn't sure it was what he wanted. Could it have been the slight ocd's I have, the stigma around aspergers, or the long distance , hampering our communications?
 CountryQT82
Joined: 12/27/2010
Msg: 47
Has anyone dated someone with asbergers?
Posted: 12/4/2012 4:06:47 PM
I'm an aspie. It's hard finding a guy that is understanding and patient.
 Bunny Tails
Joined: 5/9/2009
Msg: 48
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Has anyone dated someone with asbergers?
Posted: 12/5/2012 3:38:31 AM
Yes. He was very very smart, almost a genius, in lots of subjects. He even started school to become a priest. He said when he was a kid he would hide to keep from having to go to his own birthday parties. I found a site called something like "don't date this person" and found three posts about him. One girl said he drugged her at his house. She said he had guns and ammo all over the house and it scared her. I know he turned out to be a real mental case. But I don't know if it was all Aspergers or if it was only part of the problem. I'll never date anyone else with it.
 Rapunzel1964
Joined: 10/25/2012
Msg: 49
Has anyone dated someone with asbergers?
Posted: 12/9/2012 7:25:53 PM
There are different degrees of Asperger's .
I am currently divorcing my Aspie husband. His disorder and his inability to have empathy for others, extreme difficulties with communication and socialization, as well as his extreme focus on limited subject matter (train engines, and math) , and being very emotionally unavailable have definitely contributed to the demise of our marriage.
 SKPLOVINGLIFE
Joined: 9/10/2012
Msg: 50
Has anyone dated someone with asbergers?
Posted: 12/29/2012 8:59:48 AM
I divorced my ex-husband, who was never diagnosed formally with Asperger's but I have my suspicions. I was a medical transcriptioninst for many years for a neurodevelopmental psychologist and the more I typed for her the more I started to recognize that my husband had these same character traits of Asperger's. Unfortunately, our son has it to. My ex-husband is a very hard person to deal with and I have to deal with him because of our son. He makes my life a living hell most of the time because of the fact that he has no empathy for others. He does not believe that he is the cause of anything negative that happens, when in fact it is mostly him. I can take my share of the blame because at the time of our marriage, I didn't completely understand the disorder. Even if I had understood it, I don't think I could have continued to live my life that way. He is now remarried and he and his wife have had thier share of problems, but seem to be making it work...they seem happy, at least in front of me. I was surprised that he even remarried, but am happy for him, especially if he can make it work with her. I'm only happy that I don't have to deal with it on a daily basis, like his wife does.
 minervyx
Joined: 5/25/2011
Msg: 51
Has anyone dated someone with aspergers?
Posted: 12/29/2012 4:33:32 PM
i have aspergers, but i've worked to improve on it to the point where none of the traits are noticable. i don't use it as a crutch, identity or excuse. i don't tell anyone, because i don't need to make an issue out of it.

it's these difficulties that motivated to improve socially, to the point where i'm not just good with people, but i'm great with them.
 Discerning Virtuosa
Joined: 6/10/2008
Msg: 52
Has anyone dated someone with asbergers?
Posted: 1/25/2013 9:29:22 PM
I think more likely than not most of us have met people who have maybe a slight case of Aspergers and not even known it. Whether it is diagnosed or maybe so subtle that goes undiagnosed, everyone with it is not the same. It all boils down to an inability to communicate effectively with people or maybe to communicate at in extreme cases. Sometimes it isn't even noticeable, because that person is aware and learned to compensate.
 letshaveacrack!
Joined: 1/25/2008
Msg: 53
Has anyone dated someone with asbergers?
Posted: 2/7/2013 6:52:40 PM
to date an aspenger,,,,,you would need to be nuts,,,get agrip folks,,,thats a rescue me relationship,,if i ever saw one,,,,

No they don`t need any help,, they help you ,,,lol
i dated a girl that had Aspergers 30 yers ago and she is up there as the best lover i ever had.
If i read a profile and she said she had Aspergers i would immidiately be more interested.
Also she vas the most loyal GF i ever had.
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